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Posts by odon
Name: baterdene odongerel
Joined: Jan 15, 2014		 Last Post: Oct 21, 2014
Threads: 12
Posts: 27  
From: Mongolia
School: CSMS

Displayed posts: 39
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odon   
Jan 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / LUCK Vs HARD WORK ; 99% of the success depend on hard work [2]

Luck or hard work

I think that people wants luck . There are someone around us who have succeeded by things such as gambling , lottery ,etc . But it does not mean we all are lucky. I am willing to discuss it by proposing two main reasons below .

First , Scientists argue that In About million years ago Our ancentors was the apes. The only way the humankind emerged was labour . Furthermore , All of our attainments and inventions of the science and technology are created by great efforts and numerous hard working after many and many fruitless attempts . In even nowadays , Those attainments are benefiting to us.

Second ,The popular people who have succeeded such as Steve Jobs and Bill Gates , often advise to us that work out faithfully what you do and if you found what you like to do , your heart would tell how to do . I realize it as that working hard will lead to my dreams.

In conclusion , I believe that The ninety nine percent of the success depend on hard work while Only the one percent of success depends on luck . Therefore, The only one choice you have is work hard , if you want success.
odon   
Jan 19, 2014
Essays / Class Paragraph assignment: The consequences of deforestation (about 200 words) [3]

I think it is good.

those belows would have been like this.
1.
In additionl , destroying the forests also exerts a negative influence on the natural habitats of differen animals.
In addition
2.
Once tree are cut down, they lack shelters, food, and are on the verge of becoming extinct
shelters and food and are
odon   
Jan 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL' Library or Sport , Which one do you think more important ? [3]

please , inspect my Essay meaning and grammar . it is for TOEFL
Library or Sport , Which one do you think more important ?
The books are a window to the world. Although we can live without the books , we would have a better live if we read the books. I believe it is the library and not the sport that is more useful for a life .

Firstly , in the university , the ways which education is given are based on the books. For example , if teacher assigned homework to us , we would go to the library and do our assignment because every lesson has its book. Therefore, to have the comprehensive books in the library and be comfortable, managers of the university should focus on the library than the sport.

Secondly , it is enough for keeping health to do physical exercise in two day per week. Even though the sport fetch fame to the university, educated students can fetch more . In order to prepare the educated students , the library effect most efficiently. For that reason , the top universities of American have many libraries and students choose to in what school they study ,exploring availability of the libraries of the universities.

In conclusion, when financial resource is limited , it is right way to spend resource on improving useful things such as condition of the library, computers and scientific laboratories. it is certain that the library is more important than the sport.
odon   
Jan 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / People attend university for many different reasons. 'making more money' [4]

Hi tarabas,

i think that these might have been

"but I am perfectly aware that I need a good job in order to have a good life"
"but I am perfectly aware of that I need a good job in order to have a good life"

this is what I expect to be the end result of my education
what I expect to be at the end result of my education
or
what I expect to be as result of my education

i would have preferred this
But speaking only from my own experience is not enough
But speaking based only on my own experience is not enough
odon   
Jan 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / Why people go to the museum ? [7]

please, inspect my usage of grammar and essay meaning. it is for TOEFL
Why people go to the museum ?

The museum preserves the facts of cultural, historical and scientific heritages. There are some people who think it is waste of time going to the museum. However, based on my experience and according to my observation, I believe that going to the museum is important.

Firstly, if the country want to develop, the folk of that country must know their history well. The one way to improve knowledge of their history is taking up the museum. This is one of the main reasons why people go to the museum. For example, when I was in seventh grade, a teacher who teaches a historical subject suggested going to the museum. There I understood profoundly about what the teacher taught.

Secondly, the social consists of past and present. When you are visiting in some place, the folk ,buildings and custom can give you its present without doubt. But the museum give you some chance to feel its past easily. Let's imagine that there are some tourists who came to any country. Where would the tourists go? Of course, in order to be more familiar with that country, they would go to the museum. Furthermore, the museum can provide us with many information about things such as period of renaissance and collapse of the country , inventions and arts.

In conclusion, the museum is a extensive and significant cultural resource of our life , our custom , our past and our dream. Thus, No matter who you are , what you like or where you live , I hope that the museums could amaze you undoubtedly.
odon   
Jan 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Do you prefer to eat out or eat at home ? [7]

please inspect my grammar and essay meaning . It is for TOEFL.
Do you prefer to eat out or eat at home ?

While some people prefer to eat at out, other people prefer to eat at home. Each one has its benefits. However I think I prefer to eat at home.

Of course, there are some advantages of the eating out. Firstly, restaurant can give us feeling of being comfortable and tasting delicious foods. And after the eating, there is no need to wash kitchen utensils such as dishes , cups and spoons. In addition, for couple who are dating , the restaurant is more appropriate place. There they are able to speak to each other and know about each other profoundly. For instance, my father told me that my parents first date took place in a restaurant located in the downtown. Furthermore, for someone who do not know how to cook and have no one who can cook for them, It seems that the eating out is only one rest of choice.

I believe that the eating at home has more diverse advantages than the eating out. Firstly, The principal advantage is that the eating at home give us more guarantees for our health. Whether that the restaurant meal can be quality is doubtful. In other words, It is a significant for being healthy to eat at home. Majority of the restaurant foods contain much cholesterol and it has bad effects. In addition. If we cook at home instead of the eating out, it will be more cheaper. The eating at home is a way to save money. And we can spend money saved on what else we want to buy. Lastly, in the restaurant, we choose what a meal we want to eat from the menu. But , at home, we can make a cook which we designed as our desire instead of choosing from the limited menu.

Although restaurants suggest us feeling more comfortable situations and eating delicious foods, I believe that the eating at home is more beneficial.
odon   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Should university students be required to attend class;gain education profoundly [7]

please inspect my grammar usage and essay meaning. It is for TOEFL
Should university students be required to attend class ?

While some people think that students must be required to attend class, others think that for students, attending class must be optional. there are some chances of studying without attending class. But I think that going to class is more proper and it must be compulsory for students. The following reasons will illustrate the my point of view.

Of course, there are many advantages of going to class. One of fundamental reasons is that if you encounter a confusing problem or a something which you can not make out in your study, you could solve those in a jiff by asking from your professors. Moreover, the professors lead you to the right direction and can give you more knowledge than anything which you set about exploring. Therefore, in class, only there is a great way to gain education profoundly. It seems that university's class exists so that students can educate excellently.

In addition, attending class grants prodigious opportunities to make friends with many various people. There is no point of feeling alone. Therefore, in class, it is possible to exchange experiences and information with classmates. In short, attending class is a simple source of making friends and being funny.

In conclusion, according to my observation, I think that in contrast to students who are not required to attend class, students who are required to attend class are able to succeed in studying more. Because of those the reasons, it is necessary, for pupils, to be required to go to class.
odon   
Feb 11, 2014
Undergraduate / My passion for psychology. Fall 2014 CommonApp Transfer essay [4]

Hi luvlookie.
I think it is appropriate.

I was frozen because I had never thought deeply about a goal as a psychology major
I was stiffened because I had never thought deeply about a goal as a psychology major
odon   
Feb 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / Should a new restaurant be built in your neighborhood? [5]

Hi all, please inspect my essay. I will appreciate every suggest and comment.
it is for TOEFL
Should a new restaurant be built in your neighborhood ?

Every person have his/her own mind about the new restaurant. While someone think the restaurant, specially in his/her neighborhood, is vain to her/his, for someone the restaurant favors them. In my opinion, the restaurant existing in my neighborhood is convenient.

Of course, benefits of the restaurant existing in nearby one's domicile are many. Firstly, it is possible to celebrate and mark such some special events as yearly anniversaries and birthdays of our households by dining together there. I believe that this way would conform to interest of all members of our family. After this, there is no need to waste time on our way back home or take a cab because of being close our home. Furthermore, having the restaurant gives us a auspicious chance to make friend with our neighbors and to befriend profoundly. In order to do that, we have to just invite them to dine with our and their families together at the restaurant being nearby.

Secondly, Let's image that if a failure, such as interrupting flow of electricity or breaking in stove and oven, occurred while cooking, we would have sole choice to go a restaurant. In this case, the restaurant being close is more proper. Moreover, cooking is more time-consuming work. Sometime, after my work I come my home so tired and having no energy to cook. If there is no one who cook, I directly decide to eat at the restaurant. If the restaurant was far away from my home, I would forsake this idea and it would usher me in cooking myself. Fortunately for me , there is a little restaurant nearby though its service is not fast and its meal taste is not better.

In conclusion, Although, in populous and compact town, construction of new buildings are considered as encroaching on such areas as parks, strolling areas and playgrounds, based on understandings mentioned above, the new restaurants, at least one, which render fast services and have delicious meals should be built in my neighborhood.
odon   
Feb 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / toefl: Learning with a teacher is more efficient than by myself. [5]

Hi all.
please, Inspect my essay. it is for TOEFL :))
I will devoutly appreciate comments and suggets
Do you learn better by yourself or with a teacher ?

Every person learn in their own manner which they think that is most expedient to them. As for the learning by yourself, it has some certain profit. It gives you a chance to concentrate on what you learn cause there is no one who distracts your attention in presence of you, and your learning becomes more profound. In addition, the learning with a teacher makes us bear more burdens of studies cause they assign us homework, Nevertheless, I prefer to learn with a teacher rather than learn by myself.

Firstly, The distinguishing fact of the learning with a teacher is that you can ask about problems related your studies. In other words, when we encounter difficulty in our study which we can not make out, that asking the difficulty from our teacher is propitious way for us to solve it instantly. In addition , professors and teachers have much experience and knowledge, and are so dextrous with letting students understand their study. They know something which are not incorporated in such materials as books and webpages. Hence I, in my class, often communicate with my teacher to find a coordinated answer to a my faced problem, and my classmates are so accustomed to communicating with the teacher.

Secondly, in my mind, the learning with a teacher is more efficient than by myself. We can accomplish our assignments with little help of a teacher within less time than do it by ourself. Furthermore, the teachers play important role in leading us to right direction. Moreover, This gives us opportunity to rise our educational level to an exited degree. knowledge may be thereby better improved and strengthened.

Finally, of course ,being without a teacher has shortcomings. Notable one of the shortcomings is that if someone faced so complicated confusion in his study and his many endeavors on making out it were miscarried, this might be ended in disappointment. I think that for one who depends on only himself in learning, his improvement of ability, with regard to cooperation and express his opinion, is unpromising. Hence I support this point that the learning with a teacher is better.
odon   
May 13, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; More important to work quickly& risk making mistakes [7]

Hi Farshid_t.
I think your writing skill is good . ( surely better than me :D )

If people learn how should increase their speed at work by studying, they can stares in their workplace .
it had better be like this

since one learned how to increase their speed by studying at work , they can be paragons in their workplace.
odon   
May 13, 2014
Writing Feedback / Not believe everything in newspaper, it's form of business; the goal: gain money [4]

Hi guys . Please inspect my essay . :D
It for toefl .
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement.
You should not believe everything that you read in the newspaper.

The newspaper is one of the ways of getting the news. Although the newspaper impart many worthy news to me , sometimes the news published in it is false . Hence I should not believe everything that I read in the newspapers.

Firstly , As the newspaper press agencies are property of a individual and a organization of business, it is clear to serve its proprietor favorably . If its owner has opponents , the newspaper set about publishing negative information about the the opponent . For example , In my own country the newspaper agencies owned by influential people such as politicians tend to libel others ,especially political opponents. Even there are some cases that few journalists thrown into a prison on a charge of libel.

Secondly, As far as I concerned that for small newspaper agencies , they experience straits by financial deficiency. Furthermore , to solve the financial problem , they have to draw people's attention to their newspaper. As a result, they publish flagrant and false news , specially about stars , in their newspaper which they hope that audiences interest in. Moreover , on a recent day , a group of researchers team claimed that selling rate of the newspapers which contain false or offensive facts about popular people is higher than the other newspapers.

In conclusion, It is high probability for the newspaper to publish false facts , because its primary goal is to gain money . The newspaper is just a form of business. therefore I agree with that I should not believe everything that I read in the newspaper.
odon   
May 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / Television has comprehensive good effects on society. [4]

Hi guys , It for TOEFL

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Television has had a positive effect on society.

People are often divided on some issues involving a effect of television on society. One group believes that television has had a positive effect on society, while others view that television has had a negative effect on society. There are stronger reasons that confirm that television has had a positive effect on society.

Firstly , The advent of the television spawned a new type of a communication and broadcasting system. As far as I concerned that television is one of the main sources of acquiring information. We can learn a lot of things such as cooking prescriptions , new languages , science phenomenons etc, from the television. Therefore, people enjoy funny and entertainment broadcasts ,and it has a beneficial effect on their health. For instance , after hard working, my parents often watch entertainment channels and it helps them relax more easily.

Secondly ,the television is more important to the population living in a rural area of a country. As ways of getting information improve, the exodus of people from a rural city towards a urban city descents. Moreover, the researcher confirmed that even though the radiation which is emitted from television is harmful to children eye sight , children who frequently watch TV are more developed mentally and socially than other children for whom TV is prohibited, and it improves their speaking ability remarkably.

In conclusion, As facts mentioned above, the television has comprehensive good effects. I agree absolutely with that the television has had a positive effect on society.
odon   
May 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / "death is inevitable - everybody dies" - Soma Mine Disaster [3]

Hi bora99,
Nice essay :D
But I noticed some error.

Though, death appears for a special purpose, such as health problems, accidents or cruelty, but not destiny.

1. "cruelty" and "purpose" is not appropriate word for this sentence.
2. many commas make this sentence incoherent.
3. I am not sure that form of this sentence is correct.
Though death is due to some special causes such as health problems, accidents or criminal actions , it is not a cause of destiny .
odon   
May 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - parents should teach children / or school is the place? [5]

Hi RSD,
a good essay :D
but I noticed some error .

Both of these viewpoints will be discussed in detail, before a conclusion is reached.
1 .This sentence is useless.
2. in instead , it is better to state your opinion for the question
odon   
May 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / The use of electronic mail (e-mail) makes people become better writers. [3]

It is for TOEFL.
please , give me your advises and check my essay grammar.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The use of electronic mail (e-mail) makes people become better writers.

I view a time when the mail began to play a significant role in our life may date back to The Stone Age or earlier. This days, the use of one form of mail called e-mail is widespread throughout the world. As new technology has its both advantages and disadvantages, the e-mail has some defective effects to its users. But I believe that the use of e-mail has much beneficial to its writers and it makes people become better writers.

Firstly, a notable chance produced by the use of e-mail is that when we write grammatically or literarily wrong sentences or words in our mail, we can correct the mistakes instantly. There is no need to use another papers or correction tools. This chance conduce to improvement of writers' writing ability, and writers' speed to compose. For me, when I have to compose a mail to others such as my manager, friends, and families, I choose straightforwardly to use e-mail. Because I tend to make mistakes literarily and it saves my time. Furthermore, the paper mail is more complicated.

Secondly, the use of e-mail is fair essential, especially for office employees. The paper mail must be delivered by post office workers to its address. On the other hand, it means the paper mail takes much time to be delivered to its address. By contrary, the e-mail just takes few seconds to be delivered. Sometimes, the manager or employer of any company faces a need to send mail to their workers. In this case, they had better compose one e-mail which is possible to be sent to many employees again and again. In the spare time created by using e-mail instead of using paper mail, they can do their another important works.

Finally, for people whose penmanship is not good, the use of e-mail is best way. It results in cutbacks in the usage of a paper. In addition, the use of e-mail is not only for making cutbacks in expenses of papers but also, most significantly, supporting writers' composing ability and speed. It prompts the use of e-mail makes people better writers.
odon   
Oct 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / Pride. These days, antiques became the most popular thing in Cambodia [2]

Hi Vns9x.
This is a good essay. :D

what is this for? toefl?

But i think i noticed some inconvenient things.
1
Numerous people want to decode the information on the antique
decode is not proper word
2
More than that, it is not that common to see such subtle image on the antique
this does not express good meaning
instead - Moreover, it is not very common to see such delicate images on the antique exhibition
3
Although , we did not managed to truly win any war
this sentence is erring grammatically and not meaningful
odon   
Oct 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / To make our children happy, we must not only have a job but also spend enough time with them - TOEFL [4]

Hi guys, my essay is for toefl and please inspect it and try to grade it.
If it was a real TOEFL exam, what do you think how much point i would get.

Which would you choose: a high-paying job with long hours that would give you little time with family and friends or a lower-paying job with shorter hours that would give you more time with family and friends? Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details.

What type of job we have is highly influential to our life. In general, the jobs may be classified into two categories- a high-paying job with long hours and a lower-paying job with enough spare time. Sometimes people do their job as if they live for the money. But in fact, we must realize that we work and then gain money so that we can live with our family happily and sufficiently. Therefore, I would choose a lower-paying job with shorter hours.

Firstly, on a healthy level, there is one strong negative drawback in doing job with long hours. Of course, all people need to have proper management ruling when to work and when to rest. But if they have a job with long hours that give little time to rest, it might be so stressful and even underlying causes of unforeseen diseases. Moreover, even though they have a high-paying job, it would be fruitless. In fact, they would need to spend their accumulated money from the high-paying job on curing their disease. As a result, they can see no profits from the job.

Secondly, in my view, family and friends is more precious than any job. Having a job with long hours can destroy valuable relationships with family and friends. For example, in my country, one study was conducted on the divorce of pairs. The result showed that divorcing rate is 3 time higher among families in which husband or wife works extra hours than among families in which pairs have a job with proper time. Thus working time has a strong impact on the good relationship with husband or wife.

In conclusion, one main purpose of the parents is to bring up their children sufficiently and happily. Thus they do a job and try to provide their children with necessities as much as they can. But most important thing is that children always want to be with their parents rather than being sufficient. We must understand that in order to make our children happy, we must not only have a job but also spend enough time with them. Consequently, I would choose a lower-paying job with shorter hours that would give you more time with family and friends
odon   
Oct 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / Once time, I came to countryside. It was terrible! Living in the crowded cities is better. [3]

Hi tekikurin.
Nice essay.
I think your writing skill is good.
But i noticed some simple errors, not serious :D

Nowadays, this is a social trend that people are moving from suburban areas to urban areas. It is Because the small villages have poor facilities. Otherwise, living in small villages made people feltfeel more comfortable than lived living in the big cities. In this essay, I wouldwill talk both of the sides: advantages and disadvantages of living in suburban areas.

Everybody know that VietNam was one of the strongest agricultural country overduring{it is more convenient } the war. For the first time, we worked in rice fields day by day. This activities required that everybody worked together. So that , {so that is not for sentence like this } Thus the villages had a lot of social communities. EvenEven though they were busy with their work, they might greeting or chatting with another people in several minutes. Otherwise, people always busy in work, they didn'twould not have little time to talk with anyones when the y lived in the cities. The social activities such as talking, chatting happened on the Internet like facebook, twitter. That was made everybody became become stranger, unfriendly. Also, everybody could attend some natural activities which you{this makes this sentence inconvenient : begin with everybody and now you} couldn't do when people lived in urban areas like fishing, climbing. That helped members of their family werebecome closely. Besides, living in suburban areas that meant that you lived in an healthy enviroment. this is Because, they used helpful vehicles such as bicycle or walk on foot. So people could avoid the noisy traffic, dusty air which always happenedexists in the cities. That influenced very much onnegatively your health. There were the positive sides of living in suburban areas.

1. Sometimes some sentences contain many commas wrongly
2. Remember It does not mean that everything I corrected is completely my right and your wrong. Even i am still learning English like YOU.
3. GOOD LUCK
odon   
Oct 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / Firstly, on a safety level, traveling with a guide is most important [4]

Hi guys, please check my essay , i wrote within 30 min
It is for TOEFL
If it was real toefl, How much score could I get?

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In nowadays, people have become increasingly willing to travel during their vacation. Of course, it is considered a good way to relax and reduce stress. But some prefer to travel alone while some believe that traveling with a tour guide is better. In my opinion, traveling in a group led by a tour guide is more convenient in some ways.

Firstly, on a safety level, traveling with a guide is most important. In a complete strange city, traveling alone is dangerous. Moreover, when some unpleasant thing happens to us, there must be someone who takes care of us. For example, when I was traveling in Japan for the first time, I got a serious stomachache due to a strange sea food. Fortunately, I was with a guide and she took me to a hospital. I got better there. I can't imagine what would happen to me, if I was alone there. Furthermore, travelling alone may accompany not only health disorders but others unpleasant things such as robbers or any accidents. Thus we had better always travel with a guide.

Secondly, a tour guide is certainly more cognizant of nice places for tourists than any tourists. Sometimes tourists have not enough preparation for travelling. For example, they come to a foreign country without any planning about what places to visit. Therefore, they spend most of the time finding nice places to visit or finding a hotel. By contrast, if with a tour guide, they spend their time efficiently because tour guides already arranged everything before tourist come.

In conclusion, as far as I am concerned, travelling in a group led by a tour guide is more fun and gives an opportunity to make friend with other people. For example, going from a place to another place for a long time on a tourist bus is often involved in travelling. It may be one of the dull parts of travelling. But if we travel in a group, it may be one of the fun parts of the travelling because we can play card games together. Consequently, travelling in a group led by a tour guide is better.
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