Writing Feedback / EFFECT OF VIOLENCE ON TELEVISON TO CHILDRENS - IELTS 2 [3]

Here is some corrections for your essay

accessible information likes do not have rules = it might be good if you try this " accessible information seems to cross the boundary"
Because of that, in nowdays easier to watch violence in television and therefore it gives negative effects on children's behavior = thus, nowadays, it is easier to see violence on television. Therefore, it sends negative effects on children's behavior.

They are not mature enough to distinguish between right or wrong values = the are unable to diffentiate what is good for them due to the age.

This is because of children growth phase make they always copy and record everything shows in their eyes = this is solely because the growth make them to grow a tendency to imitate everything they see.

For the example = for example
Annoucedtelevision shows including news and drama movie are the factors behind most cases of violence by children = announced that television shows such as News and Drama movies are the benefactor of most cases happened to children.

five teenage and children drama movies who receive special attention for showing violence on children's showtimes = five teens and kids drama movies who get intent focus for showing violence on kids' shows.

Copy, record, and imitate were appart of future learning for them = Copy, record, and imitate are way apart from the way of learning the kids should get in the future.

Childrens = children
Do not have ability to thinking = do not have the ability to think.
The childrens only have little experience as same as they ages = the children's level of grasping something is limited to their age.

some of your errors are just about spelling. i hope i can help your essay with my suggestion.

Writing Feedback / The United States became the most frequent winner of the hot-dog eating contest within two years [5]

hi, Beauty17
here my little correction on your essay:

while remain Mexico males and Germany whose female participant only once won this contest= while the rest are Mexico and Germany whose woman participant won this competition

Futhermore , and this trend kept in the following 11 years = well i found this sentence a bit peculiar you may use mine like this " furthermore, this trend has been kept up to 11 years in arrow.

The others like Mexico and Germany just once to be a winner, in 1993 and in 1984 respectively = The remaining such as Mexico and Germany won once each, Mexico in 1983 and Germany in 1984.

hope this would be useful.

Writing Feedback / summary TED's video: advice for new grads on living a succsessful life [3]

Hi there, Adip!
I'm going to give some corrections here related to spelling and grammar.

First, "It begins , when she determined to resign from her occupation which as the professional teacher in the New York City, in her daily routines she usually teachs like the others in the same profession" the words that I marked are the errors. when you want to described one's story, you should use past tense in all the sentence ,but in fact, you use simple present such as "it begins" where is should be "it began". and i guess you mean "teaches" when you typed "teachs".

Second, "the grat number of people" it is a minor error,really. It should be "a great number of people"

Lastly,"howerer", "surrond", "besed", "arguements" well, I bet you were in a hurry when you typed these, weren't you? they should be "however, surround, based, and arguments.

Type carefully

Thanks mate!

Writing Feedback / What Do You Know About the Common Cold? [3]

Hi there, bbcheesecake14!

I'm going to give you several corrections here.

"Some people says if we getting cold" = you might want to type like this "Some people say if we catch a cold"

using "but" right in the start of the sentence is quite rare, instead you might use "however" as it sounds more like it.

"but not caused by low temperatures. Sneezing, handshakes, or coughing on ..." = it seems that you kinda omit some words there . "but not caused by low temperatures" is a fragmented sentence. a clause that is missing either a subject or a verb. so, it should be " but It is not caused by low temperature"

"on the other hand, sneezing, handshaking, and coughing would make common cold virus spread easily." this is the correction for the aformentioned sentence.

"Honey can also aid to heal your cold, but ..."Honey can also aid to relieve your cold, but Dr. mishori did not recommend you to feed honey to a baby under 1 year.

"Dr. Mishori suggest" it should be "Dr. Mishori Suggests"

Writing Feedback / Excerpt Meaning from I Have a Dream Speech [3]

Hi there!

I'm just going to give a brief correction.

"Also he fought racism for the sake of harmony and never fights injustice with violence" here I found inconsistency in your tenses/sentence.

the conjunction "AND" connect two or more similar words, phrases, and sentence, but there you typed 'Fought and Fights"

thanks

Writing Feedback / South Sudan Works to Rebuild Higher Education [4]

Hi there!

I want to give some comments on your essays related to Grammar and Spelling errors.

"South Sudan IS very poor. from the area of half a million square meters only fifty kilometers covered with asphaltgood road , and almost no public electrical ..."

"There are only two universities around which the seventy-five percent of the lecturers ..."

"The solution for this condition is , the government of South Sudan asked ..."

"They "WERE" requestED to teach a wide range of knowledge ..."

"... good land in South Sudan isare being farmed"

"While more one "THAN" millions of people need food aid to survive. One of THE higher education which is ..."

thanks

Writing Feedback / summary TED's video: find you find your purpose [3]

Hi there, Adip!

I have several comments for your summary.

1. Army purdy saidtold us about how to live beyond limits. i guess you might want to use another word.
2. When she was graduated from the high school. She fascinates to place where it snowed. = there was fragmented sentence in your essay and it should be "When she graduated from high school, she is eager to go to a snowy place."

3.Until her life took a detour, she getting got sick then she should "be" hospitalizeD for several days in the hospital ...

thanks

Writing Feedback / Should people be allowed to keep animals as pets? [3]

Hi there!

I've got several input for your essay.

1. Caring a domestic animal is commonplace. But, how about wild animals? = This sentence is fragmented. you should change the period before the conjunction "but" with a comma. so, it could be a whole sentence.

2. Caring for exotic animals areIS difficult or impossible.
3. Because, they oftenTEND TO grow to be larger, stronger, and ... = I think you should change the "often" here because the meaning is a bit confusing.

4. They may bite, scratch, AND tear up the furniture also.

thanks

Writing Feedback / TED Summary : How to control someone else's arm with your brain - by Greg Gate [2]

'Sup there, fella!

I've got some corrections here for you. don't keep it personal 'kay.

1. Electrophysiology as the Neuro-Revolution is faced apparently in the cutting-aged world. = the structure is swapped i think and it should be "is apparently faced with" and the use of "the cutting-age world" is a bit off the mark. i suggest you to change it to be "this sophisticated era"

2. People who want to have broaden horizon about the brain ...
3. Greg Gage who is the founder of a company ...
4. so they may be thinking about possibly the possibility of becoming a brain scientist.
5. he demonstrated the equipment and showed for all audience how the somebody's one's brain, that have about 80 billion neurons inside, transferred an electrical and chemical messages back and forth;and could control someone else's arm with her brain.

6. ... that it is a simple way to conduct with another person with our brain.

thanks

Writing Feedback / Ear Care: Do-It-Yourself Wax Removal [2]

Hi there!

here are some pointers for you.

1. ... it protects and cleans the ear. It traps dirt and other matter, and it keeps insects out.

2. Earwax might also help to protect us against infections and the waxy oil keeps the earstofrom drying .
There are two types of earwax, that iswhich are dry and wet.

3. The glands in the canal that produce the wax make too much insometimes overproduce at some people.

4. Usually, earwax normally expelled or falls fell out of the ear or gets washed away. ButHowever , the abundant amount of earwax can result in blockage thatto which interferes with sound waves and reduce hearing sense .

5. you could get wounded

thanks

Writing Feedback / TED resume : The happy secret to better work [3]

Hi there!

I want to give u some hints on your essay. here you go:

- In science of happiness, external world ...

- In studies of happiness, outside world can determine happiness level. 10% of long term happiness can be predicted by outside world and the rest of them is not predicted it. instead, it can be known by how the brain process the world.

- Based on the previous research, only ...

- Based on the previous research, only 25% of successful jobs are determined by IQ and the other 75% are settled by optimism levels, social support and ability to see stress as a challenge instead of a threat.

- Most of people nowadays have being ...

- Most people nowadays have outlined all the negative things that could happen but not talked about the positive. For example the absence of disease is not being healthy. Actually, the point is how to get healthy not about the absence of disease.

- It is need to reverse the formula for ...

- It is needed to reverse the formula for happiness and success. Most companies and schools follow a formula for success such as " If I work harder, I will be more successful and if I am more successful then I will be happier"

- If happiness is on the opposite side of ...

- If happiness is on the opposite side of success, the brain never gets there. People have pushed happiness over the cognitive horizon as a society, it's because they think "that" they have to be successful first then they will be happier right after that.

thanks

Writing Feedback / Astronaut nearly drowns in space [3]

Hi there!

I'll give you another tips for your essay.

- Being an astronaut is very threatening itself . They spend a long ...

- Astronauts' problem is drowning during a spacewalk, IT is where an astronaut ...

- They should wear space suit forTO protectingthem self THEMSELVES by from extreme temperatures, provide oxygen lacks oxygen, and pressure loss the astronaut's body . The helmet is also very important, due to it helps the astronaut ...

- he notices D water inside his helmet. (...) assumed it was JUST a small leakage.

-A few moment latt er, water filled his helmet, it' s covering his eyes, filled ing his ears, then entering his nose, which make de it him difficult to breathe.

thanks

Writing Feedback / Technology as A Supplement in Education [4]

yo!
got some issues found on your essay, hope it could help and improve yours.

The growth of technology has a significant impact / impacts (you seem fail to mention how many "impact" that you would explain there)

a number of employees at the school

... teacher's jobs, it has some "other" benefits in education world. (because it is not able to replace teacher's work then it might have other functions for different purpose)

powerfull

... more attractive for students, so it will help teacher to ... (never forget to put comma when you start a Dependent Clause with "SO")

Regards

Writing Feedback / The Old Issues : Gender and Education as Opposite of Globalisation Era. [3]

Yo!

here are some feedbacks i got for your essay

1)The the discrimination is an irrelevant in education nowadays
2). Achivements tofor students should (...) their skills and creationscreativity
3) In the fact => In fact / as a matter of fact
4) there are some countries having realizedwhich aware of similarity ofin gender in every side ...
5) hight
6)Gender and education are an old issueShavingwhich need to be erased in ...

hope it will help.

Writing Feedback / Government and Society : What Governments Can Do ? [3]

The officials of government run "the" wheels of administration in a
country.

Every actions of government such / like public policy determines how the society conditions are "supposed" to be.

there are also some typos (Collution=>Collusion, Sevices=>Services, Proverty=>Poverty, Existance=>Existence, Trough=>Through)

beside of the some primary government duties commonly (this sentence got me puzzled for sure. maybe it was supposed to be like this "apart from the main duties of government"

there are the other duties of government such as (...) and many the others duties.

... not able to imagine how the life "is"runs"running" without it

Writing Feedback / Different Perception Of The Happiness [2]

hey, there!

here are my points for this essay that I want to share

1)? isIs (always start with capital if you want to write first letter in the first sentence) every happiness that people thinking"of" regarding who has a vast numbera hefty amount (gold is Noncount Noun so it will not go with "a vast number of..") of gold coins?

2) various perceptionS (perception is count noun)

3)people bear a meaning for happiness "that" fills full of "a" huge amount of ...

4)According to the survey, it depends "on" S several human who is are/live in isolated place defines about the different happiness

5) some times=> sometimes

6) particular people=> certain people

Writing Feedback / CONSUMERISM CULTURE IS BEHIND ADVERTISING [3]

Hi, there!

I want to get some more additional tips for your essay

1) Did you ever see ... => Have you ever seen a repetitive advertisement which kept played 3 times or more at a time?

2)to buy their new product for make us pleased => to buy their new product to please us ( use "in order to" or just "to" when you mean a purpose)

3)the cunning one of advertising put on fabulous ... => one of the advertising schemes is to put on fabulous and fancy/adorable public figure. sometimes, kids force their parents to buy ...

Writing Feedback / HOW CRUCIAL IS ENGLISH IN YOUR LIFE? [3]

Hi, there!

got some additional tips for you.

1) Other languages may disappear, if one language is dominant. => if this statement is a quote u may need to use Apostrophes("...")

2) ... is becoming a global second language, and "is" most important "for" every textbooks or journals are is published in English.

3) Considerable numberS of English native speakers ...

4) in the fact => as a matter of fact

5)English has "a" huge number of vocabularies...

6)A side=>Aside from that, English "is" well-known as a global second language ...

Writing Feedback / Tourism as a Crucial Key for Promoting Cultures and Increasing Local Income [3]

Hi, there!

got some additional tips for you.

Entertainment is one of "the" essential needs

every states

Although tourism may become possible local traditional and cultures to be endangered => I still kind of bewilder with this sentence.

the rest of the essay is good just try to keep it fascinating yet simple.

Writing Feedback / ZOO IS IMPORTANT PLACE YOU HAVE TO KNOW [6]

Hi, there!

i got some ideas for your essay after perusing it for awhile.

1) A zoo had been "an" interesting place ... (explaining about a countable should use article such as "a, an and the" )
2) for animals shelter (here you need to put an apostrophe) "animal's shelter"
3) ... to know how important zoo itisBE cause zoo can be animal's conservation
4)for instantce
5), there isare many certainspecial animals that are maintained individually (certain means specific and it does not match with your adjective "many")

6) There isare many beastS

Hope it will help.

Writing Feedback / PROBLEMS OF EDUCATION IN DEVELOPING COUNTRY [7]

Hi there!
how's life treating you?

Here are some ideas which I hope would enlighten you.
1) One of the problemS is in education field"."(you need to end your sentence there before you continue making another sentence) it It causeS most of childREN"must" be at workING in tender age, not many schools are absence in a particular area, "and" education is an important ...(always end your parallel structure with AND, OR, ETC)

2) ... problems in developing country.itIt"is" because of childREN have to work in green age.

3) There is no option for not working,; they must to make money for daily needs. (never put "to" in front of modals)

4)Second, in developing country has problem of education.itItBE cause OF the lack of a number of schools.
... problem in developing country because "there is" no equalization availability of schools at such remote area.

5)Moreover, identicALwithto my latest last point,.E ducation is a necessary mattersforto regenerate economy ...

hope it will help

Writing Feedback / The greatest and most crowded subways in the world are located in London, Paris, and Moscow. [4]

What's up there!

got some ideas here for your essay.

1) ... clearly seen by scanning theits/their means of transportation,. (you need to end your sentence there if you do not put any conjunction afterwards) S ubway becomes a benchmark of how great is a country is . (put the "be" in the back of the sentence when you use noun clause just to differ it from Interrogative sentence)

2) ... the very first time in 1863; overtook by Paris ...

3) London has an unusual means to construct the railway called cut and cover, which means ... (not sure what to comment from this sentence, but if you mean to explain a sequence then it is messed up)

4)AtIn the first day the subway in London operated, 30,000 riderspassangers were transported.

Hope it will help

Writing Feedback / SOLUTIONS OF BAD BEHAVIOR IN SCHOOLS TO CREATE A GOOD ENVIRONMENT [3]

Hi there!

Here are some tips to your essay

1) There must have been "a" few bad boys (a few means a little positive than few)
2) The school havehas many solutions for bad behavior
3) the teacher should have a power to punish a mischievous children, schools has have to bonding a relationSHIP with their parents.

4) First, the solution ofTO bad behavior in at school is the school has TO create a positive ...
5) Second, forTO make a good environment inat school is that the teacherS have to have strength to handle all rebellious kidS .
... want to know what their graderS do. The teacherS should have a participation E to control naughty kidSwithby givING a penalty.

Hope it will help

Writing Feedback / Home-schooling: A Way to Educate Children or Seclude Them? [3]

Hi there!

Here are my suggestions for your essay

Education is a crucial key forto getting (whenever you mean a purpose you need to use "in order to" or just "to" would suffice)

key to getting better lives and giving e

It is caused becausetriggered by the fact that children do not know how to socialize with each other and get the social experience that school offers.

Hope it will help

Writing Feedback / THE MEANING OF SUCCESS IN EVERY PERCEPTION OF PEOPLE [4]

yo!

Here are some suggestions for your essay

BeING a successful person is a ...

There are many perceptionS of success

a few people believe that success ISifWHEN they succeed ...

there are some of people that also assume that success is obtainED professional careers

Writing Feedback / The Pessimistic People of Nuclear power [2]

Hi there!

some suggestions will not hurt, right?

Have you everrecited read thean article in the neighborhood about the nuclear resource ?

N owadays

In the fact,

Writing Feedback / Light Bulbs from Plastic Bottles, Water and Bleach [2]

Hi there! @abdasyari

here some suggestions for you.

Electricity is one of needs

there are some steps to be finisheddo => (on this part it'd be good if you change the wording there)

they can save almost half of hertheir weekly income

keep improving!

Writing Feedback / PUTTING WORMS TO WORK TO HELP YOUR GARDEN [3]

Hi Jnur!

I got some tips for your essay

Earthworms, a disgusting creatures for some people / Earthworm, a disgusting creature for some people. (a period is needed here) (when you make generalization, make sure the Subject-verb-agreement is totally in sync) helpING gardeners & farmers to turn their crops (...) and put it onblending it on soil.

red worms,(put comma here) well-known as red wigglers.

make a holes

Kim Gabel said "T he worms do breathe." (you failed to put another apostrophy when you use "quoting" in this sentence)

Writing Feedback / WHY SHOULD WE TALK TO STRANGERS? [3]

Hi there!

here are my ideas for your writing.

as unsafe person = as unsafe individuals

... has the best intentions . It is good to be friendly, and it is good to learn when not to be, but none of thatthem means we have to be afraid".

we will get vasta great number of advantages of using our ...

there is an affection with whoM we talk to.

Writing Feedback / (TED) Judson Brewer: A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit [5]

Hi there! @abdasyari

I have read your writing and wonder about some tips like these:

1) It is commonly known/knowledge that everyone has positive and negative habit in their lives.
2)it is so hard to control and ,(comma) break a bad habit and go disperse it away from our mind.
3)to step out of their negative habit patterns.
4) mindfulness training (you need adjective to modify the gerund)

Writing Feedback / The Taklimakan Desert, covered with eighty-five sand dunes, has remarkable plant life [2]

Hi Asma!

nice to see your writing there...

The Taklimakan desert is covered with eighty- five percent sand dunes, which has size aroundapproximately 337,600 square kilometers. (this is more like it)

has root size many times rather than that plantover to other plants.

Some its root absorbs water about sixteen meters depth= some of its roots absorbs water about sixteen meters depthdeep .

hope it is useful!

Writing Feedback / Athlete Has a Great Peripheral Vision Ability in Sports [5]

Hi there Fauziyah!

upgrade their visual ability to detect and track....

(only certain verbs followed by "to" and gerund such as "look forward to, be accustomed to, and be used to"

any objects...

to balance their head's movement and eyes' motion...

Writing Feedback / The Taklimakan Desert is one of the most extreme environments on Earth [2]

Hi there, Fauziyah!

The Taklimakan Desert is one of the place with the most extreme environment(s) on Earth, having rare rainfall, (...) the temperature can change up to 20oC ...

... Northwestern China and has a wide size abou approximately 337,600 ...

Scholarship / AGENT OF CHANGE IN THE FUTURE - Leadership and Influence Question for Chevening [4]

Hi there! Nice to meet you @niputusri

it's a nice essay you got here. Well, I have some ideas that you might want to consider using on your essay.

..., and it is still being an ambition" this sentence here could be simplified because you have same subject ( Being a leader and it) so you can change it to be " Being a leader has become part of my life and is still an ambition"

"plastic bags and use reusable bag bags that we gave given for free through by means of switching non-environmentally friendly goods"

some minor errors in preposition and subject verb agreement exist, such as Succeeded in executing
an impressive influence as you may be aware that singular/plural nouns are followed by an article (a, an, and the)

hope this would help you.
thanks
-W-

Graduate / The University of Southampton became my choice. My First Attempt in Writing Personal Statement [4]

Hey there, @kayus! Nice to meet you!
it's a very thorough explanation of your dream.
so I have some ideas you might consider using to improve your essay.

on grammatical range and accuracy, I found minor errors such as:

in during => these two are preposition so you only need to choose one.

my choice institution => it's either my chosen institution or just my choice because you already mention the university name.

the array of = this expression is preceded by 'an' so it becomes an array of

hope this could help
thanks
-W-