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Posts by LadyOfClockwork [Suspended]
Name: wang gang
Joined: Jun 26, 2017
Last Post: Apr 10, 2021
Threads: 30
Posts: 102  
From: China

Displayed posts: 132 / page 1 of 4
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Apr 10, 2021
Writing Feedback / People buy things such as books, air tickets and groceries on the internet [5]

Hi, my fellow student. I noticed that the second paragraph contained as many as eight sentences. It is not quite good for IELTS writing, in my opinion.

When I first came to the forum, @Holt taught me that a paragraph should contain three to five sentences. I listed to her and saw improvement in my writing. I believe the advice also applies to you. Why not try to combine two or three sentences to one? For example:

I often buy some books on Tiki. Their service is really flexible
=> I often buy some books on Tiki, whose service is really flexible

In addition, I think that you should avoid using data, such as "In Canada, about 5% of population are staffs of online business company", unless it is common sense.

That is because by no means can you check data in the real test. Here is what the educational consultant taught me:

"Let me remind you that the testing center computers will be locked down and you will not have access to exterior internet sources. Practical examples that come from personal knowledge or experience always impresses the reviewer and also keeps you comfortable enough in your presentation to use better sentence structures throughout your essay."

I know my reviews are far from perfect, but I still hope they are helpful to you. Best wishes.
Apr 10, 2021
Writing Feedback / Many believe that individuals can do little to improve the environment. There's nothing we can't do. [3]

Hi. As @Holt said, I believe it would have been better if you had outlined the reasons for your position at the end of the last sentence in the first paragraph as opposed to giving ambiguous indications such as "reasons under", leaving readers confused. I don't think readers, especially examiners, have the time and intertest to play a guessing game, that is, to figure out themselves what the reasons actually are. They want to know the general idea of your essay at the very first glance at it.

If I write the essay, I will write "I totally disagree because individuals, however powerless they seem, can play a major role in environmental protection even through the simplest acts such as not littering"

Personally, I do not like your example "all of people throw trash to the sea in one day..." Perhaps you live by the sea, but there are a great many people who live in inner villages, towns and citys, and I don't think you example goes down well with them. In addition, domestic sewage and industrial easte are discharged at sea everyday, not "in one day", mostly at the hands of companys such as chemical plants instead of individuals.

Why not use simpler and clearer examples? Such as not littering. If most of people put trash in the bin rather than throw it carelessly, the environment will be more pleasant. That is the demonstration of individuals' power.
Apr 9, 2021
Writing Feedback / Nuclear energy is a better choice for meeting increasing demand, agree or disagree? [4]

Hi, as @Holt said, when the question is Agree/Disagree, all you are expected to do is to indicate your agreement or disagreement and detail your reasons, evidence and personal experience to support it. Make sure that you are not involved in a two-sided discussion where both advantages and disadvantages, cons and pros, are offered.

In this case, if you agree with the statement, you should only detail the advantages of nuclear power. If you don't, you should only detail the disadvantages. If you list both advantages and disadvantages, it will be a prompt deviation which will drag down your score.

I know that IELTS applicants including me are used to two-sided discussion, but there are topics where the format does not apply.

In addition, I have some reservations about the sentence:

"For instance, USA is able to provide electricity to more than 300 millions of citizens since it has a lots of nuclear power stations."

As far as I know, nuclear power is actually in decline in America. I don't think it a good choice to use the US to defend your position. It would be better if you said "nuclear energy is much more efficient in electricity generation than any other form of energy, because nuclear fuel is far more powerful than both traditional fossil fuel such as coal and other renewable energy including wind"
Apr 7, 2021

Hi @juliachung

As far as I know, the primary cause for global warming is not overconsumption of plastic or toxic industrial waste but greenhouse gas emissions, which I think you should foucs on. For example, you could say:

Because the government does not take concrete action to promote renewable energy including wind power, a great many people and companies still burn fossial fuel, thereby producing enormous carbon dioxide emissions, which are recognized as the culprit for climate change.

Discussion on overconsumption of plastic, in my opinion, is deviation from the topic.

To be honest, the topic of climate change is somewhat out of touch with daily life, so it is understandable that you are not familiar with it. But you have to prepare for it anyway because you will likely meet it in the test. If you know little about it, you may want to Google it to learn more about it. And remember to add the prompt the prompt next time, such as:

Climate change is now an accepted threat to our planet, but there is not enough political action of control excessive consumerism and pollution. Do you agree or disagree?
Apr 7, 2021
Writing Feedback / Universities should focus on specialist subject - this is a much better choice. IELTS Writing task 2 [5]

Hi @CBQ. I'd love to discuss the sentence "it leads to undergraduates' poor motivation..."

I don't think the word "motivation" is a good choice. Actually, most of college students are required to learn a range of subjects but few of them are thus discouraged. In my opinion, "distraction" is a better choice. I'd like to write as below:

It leads to distraction. College students are forced to divert a considerable amount of time and energy to the subjects in which they are likely not interested as opposed to devoting themselves to those that they are motivated to learn.
Mar 26, 2021
Writing Feedback / Future people will not buy printed newspaper or books, they will read everything they want online [3]

Hi, I think you could diversify your presentation by using synonyms for 'printed newspaper" instead of the word itself. It would show your mastery of English words.

Why not write the first sentence as "not a single person will buy physical editions of newspapers and books"?

Physical editions of newspapers are printed newspapers as opposed to aggregated news websites. In addition, "no body" means "not a single person".
Mar 26, 2021
Writing Feedback / The graph below shows UK acid rain emissions, measured in million tonnes from four different sectors [5]

Hi. As a reader, I'm not happy with the "enormous change" sentence.

First, I think you could make it clearer. What "enormous change" took place? Was it a dramatic decline, a sharp increase or a wild swing? Second, I think you could give a more comprehensive overview.

If I were you, I would write as below:

The period given saw declines in acid rain emissions from electricity, gas and water supply, domestic industry and industries assigned to the 'other' column, though by varying degrees.
Mar 26, 2021
Writing Feedback / Self-employment became popular among the majority of people. Why is that? [6]

Hi, I think you may want to use some abstract words to give an overview of the paragraph and make it more coherent.

For example, why not try "flexibility"? I'd love to use it at the beginning of the second paragraph.

Flexibility is one of the factors that people take into consideration when they decide to be self-employed. They can enjoy unfixed schedule......

I believe it will make you essay more impressive.

As to grammar, I found some mistakes that you may want to correct. For example:

"As more and more expenditures become have skyrocketed (prehaps "have been skyrocketing"), while the wages that they earn ... have not seen any increase...
Feb 8, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Each year, a number of languages fade into extinction [4]

Every year several languages die out.

Some people think that this is not important because life will be easier if there are fewer languages in the world. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Each year, a number of languages fade into extinction. Some people believe that it does not matter since it brings ease to life. I strongly disagree. In my opinion, the trend is anything but insignificant considering the protection of cultural heritage and the purpose of communication.

A language is not merely about letters, words and pronunciations but about a culture. Its dying out means that the culture vanishes, which can be a tragic loss. For instance, if the Chinese language was wiped out, the accumulated knowledge and history of would be lost. No longer could people gain a glimpse of China's five thousand years of civilization and draw on the treasure trove of art, science and technology to make the world a better place to live.

As to communication, language barrier is admittedly a major obstacle. If humans ended up speaking the same language, people from all around the world would lead an easier life as they could communicate with ease. However, communication is meant to exchange different ideas, thoughts, opinions and feelings, while people who speak the same language tend to have similar values and point of views. Fewer languages means that people have more difficulties benefiting from the diversity of thoughts, which is a source of creativity and inspiration.

In conclusion, I am in strong disagreement that the disappearance of several languages every year carries little importance because of the apparent convenience the trend brings to life. It makes it almost impossible to carry on the cultures the vanished languages represent. People also find it more difficult to learn from diverse thoughts by communication.
Feb 8, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1, what nursing graduates did in the UK [4]

I think the last sentence in the last paragraph can be further improved. I'd love to rewrite it as below:

-> Of the students who made the decision about three quarters work as hospital nurses.
Feb 6, 2021
Writing Feedback / People's shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factors. [4]

People's shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factors.

Do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that nothing exerts as much influence on one's shopping habits as the age bracket into which he falls. I disagree with the idea. In my opinion, there are a variety of factors which are more influential.

First, disruptive innovations including online shopping overshadows age in determining people's shopping habits. The elderly, who are the most conservative segment of the population, tend to stick to old norms and practices. They are usually in contrast with younger people, who are eager to embrace novelties. However, in this era when electronic commerce is on the rise, even senior citizens are turning to shopping websites and thus they do not show much difference from young shoppers. For example, my grandfather, who will turn 85 this year, and me, who is in my early 20s, both become regular users of Taobao, the Chinese version of Amazon.

When to make purchases, affordability is another consideration which carries more relevance than age. Most of people, regardless of the age, are habituated to buying the best things for which they can pay. Take clothes, for example. The rich tend to develop a habit of going to fancy boutiques in pursuit of customized suits that never fail to arrest attention, while the poor perhaps have no choice but habituate themselves to browsing eBay for what is sold at discount.

In conclusion, I am in disagreement that age is the most significant factor in deciding one's shopping habits. His financial means can have more impact. Innovations which bring revolutionary change to life also exceeds age in terms of relevance.
Feb 6, 2021
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Student enrolment in 1980 and 2000 [6]

I think the last sentence is a bit in a mess. I'd love to rewrite it as below:

the percentage...in 2000.
=> master's degree holders made up 9% of the whole student body in 1980, a percentage surging to 35% in 2000.
Sep 28, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The diagram illustrate immigration into the United States from 1850 to 1930 [4]

Hi, I think your analysis of the line graph is a bit confusing. Below in my thought. I hope it's helpful.

-- No more than 3 million people immigrated to America ever decade from the 1850s to the 1870s, but the figure swung up to a record high of near 9 million in the 1900s.

I think that it would be better to list information in time sequence.
Sep 28, 2020
Writing Feedback / Number of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University [4]

IELTS Task 1:
The line graph gives information about the number of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University between 2005 and 2009.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph provided demonstrates how many students from Iran, Turkey and Greece were admitted to Sheffield University from 2005 to 2009. Overall, Greece and the other two countries diverged evidently in student enrollment. Greek students enrolled at a slower pace, while more and more Turkish and Iranian students entered the university.

In 2005, Sheffield University enrolled much more Greek students than those from any other country listed, 180 to less than 40. However, Greek freshmen rapidly diminished to approximately 70 in 2007, by which Greece was overtaken by Iran and Turkey in enrollment. Afterwards, Greek student enrollment continued to slide, to about 30 in 2009.

The enrollment of Iranian students growed in parallel with that of Turkish students by 2008, when the former began to soar. In 2009, Iran became the largest source country as 160 Sheffield University freshmen were Iranian, a striking rise from less than 40 in 2005. The number of Turkish students who enrolled in the university also saw a considerable increase, from around 20 in 2005 to over 120 in 2009.

Sep 19, 2020
Writing Feedback / Task1: How much carbon dioxide an average person in four countries emitted into the environment [3]

Hi, I think you missed an improtant trend. That is: the United Kingdom was always the biggest emitter of carbon dioxide, though its emissions was in constant decline. You illustrated the change in emissions in each single country during the period. That's great. But I think that you may also want to make comparisons between the countries listed.
Sep 19, 2020
Writing Feedback / From the given line graph: how much chicken, beef, lamb and fish were consumed, by grams per person [4]

IELTS Task 1: The graph below shows the consumption of fish and different kinds of meat in a European country between 1979 and 2004.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph given demonstrates how much chicken, beef, lamb and fish were consumed, as measured by grams per person per week, in an unnamed European nation from 1979 to 2004. Overall, chicken gained popularity while beef and lamb lost favor during the period. There was little change in the intake of fish, which was the least consumed food all the time.

Beef well exceeded any other food listed in consumption at more than 200 grams per person per week in 1979, but the figure was in decline throughout most of the period, despite hovering at a high of approximately 225 grams per person per week in the 1980s. As a result, the average person in the European country only ate slightly more than 100 grams beef each week in 2004. A similar downward spiral was seen in lamb, whose consumption was just modestly above 50 grams per person per week in 2004, a dramatic decrease from 150 grams in 1979.

By comparison, the consumption of chicken was in an upswing and overtook that of lamb soon after 1979 and that of beef around 1989, making it the most consumed food ever since. In 2004, people in the country took in about 250 grams fish every week on average, well above around 150 grams in 1979. With regard to fish, its consumption always stayed at about 50 grams.

I have a specific question: is it correct to write "...decrease from 150 grams" instead of "decrease from 150 grams per person per week" in the last sentece of the second paraphrase?

Sep 19, 2020
Writing Feedback / The chart shows IT components of GDP in the UK from 1992 to 2000 [3]

I'm confused with "despite being less influential" in your second paraphrase. Actually, service industry's contribution to the GDP grew, so it should be more influential. Did you want to make a comparison? Then you may want to say "the service industry grew as a percentage of the GDP throughout the period given, albeit at a much slower pace than the IT industry after 1996"
Sep 17, 2020
Writing Feedback / The bar chart illustrates the number of people who decide on university subjects chosen in 2005 [4]

Hi, I don't think you used the word "thousand" correctly. You could say "thousands of" or "over 25 thousand", but "over 25 thousands" is incorrect. I'm not a native speaker, so my opinion isn't quite authoritative. However, I strongly suggest that you check it out yourself. The usage of "thousand" is very important in IELTS task 1.
Sep 16, 2020
Writing Feedback / Changes in the amount and type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers [3]

I see, thanks. For some reasons I haven't taken any IELTS test yet, but I'll take one next month. I'll try my best to achieve the balance you mentioned. It's said that IELTS writing tests in mainland China are enormously difficult, because the examiners are quite demanding there. I don't know whether it's true. But I'll work hard to keep improving my writing anyway.
Sep 16, 2020
Writing Feedback / Changes in the amount and type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers [3]

fast food consumption by australian adolescents

IELTS writting task 1: The line graph below shows changes in the amount and type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers from 1975 to 2000.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
. Write at least 150 words.

The line graph given illustrates how often Australian adolescents consumed three types of fast food, as measured by the number of times eaten per year, from 1975 to 2000. Overall, pizza, once the most consumed fast food, lost favor with Australian teenager. By comparison, the period given saw a sharp increase in the consumption of fish and chips, and hamburgers.

Pizza, which Australian adolescents ate as high as 100 times per year in 1975, saw slight downward fluctuations until 1985, after which it was in sharp decline. It was overtaken by hamburgers in the late 1980s and by fish and chips in the early 1990s. In 2000, the consumption of pizza fell below 40 times per year.

By contrast, the consumption of hamburgers, and of fish and chips, which was well below 20 times per year each, experienced a dramatic rise, albeit at different rates. The former soared to over 80 times per year in 1985 and then rose steadily to minimally more than 100 times per year in 2000, while the latter increased at a considerable rate before leveling off at over 80 times per year from 1995 and 2000. Noteworthily, throughout the period given, Australian adolescents always ate hamburgers at higher frequencies than fish and chips.

I just saw Holt advocate for the three paragraph task 1 essay so I try to write such one. Hope it works out well.

Sep 15, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 Distribution of water [5]

I can't proved advice as detailed as Holt's, but I'd love to rewrite a sentence for you. I hope it's helpful, especially if you want to create a more sophisticated sentence.

"Overall, the charts show that agriculture...North America and Europe,"
=> Overall, most of water is committed for use in agricultural production in all the regions given except North America and Europe, where the industurial sector is the biggest water consumer.
Sep 15, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - Foreign languages spoken by British students [5]

I'd love to make some recommendations for you.

1)" who were multilingual ..."
I think that it would be better to wirite as "who were bilingual and multilingual speakers". "Multilingual" already means "speak languages other than English". You didn't need to repeat "speak languages other than English" here.

Or, you could simply write "students...who spoke second languages" . To British students, "second languages" of course means "other languages than English".

2)"those students...with 30% and 35%."
The sentence as it was is somewhat confusing. I try to clarify it for you: The British students who spoke only in their native tongue made up the largest proportion of the student body in both years given, as their share saw a slight increase from 30% in 2000 to 35% in 2010.
Mar 23, 2018
Writing Feedback / Do the disadvantages of using e-mail surpass the advantages? [4]

I'm afraid you are not allowed to explain the advantages only. The question is essentially "Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages". That is, you have to explain the disadvantages too and then explain why the advantages prevail.

I notice that you used "in spite of" twice. Try to use a substitute (despite, etc.) for the phrase to diversify your presentation. And "in conclusions" is wrong. You should have written "in conclusion".
Dec 30, 2017
Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [403]


Happy new year 2018/Happy new year 2018

Hi everyone. Long time no see. I was quite busy these days, so that I didn't find time to practice writing here. Though I think I will come back soon and keep improving my skills under the guidance of obliging fellow members, especially @Holt.

May my friends have a prosperous 2018.
Nov 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / Upraising e-books, good or bad? Adv vs disadv essay. [4]

I'd like to give you an example of paraphrasing the prompt:
Electronic books are rising while paper versions are on the decline. Some people look upon this as an improvement, though others beg to differ. In my opinion, this trend has following benefits and drawbacks.
Nov 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / [task 2] Some people believe that it is a good idea to continue to work at their old age [4]

Some people believe that it is a good idea to continue to work at their old age. To what extent do you agree or disagree

the writing topic of 20171102 China mainland IELTS test

elderly people at work

Some people think it a good idea to stay in their jobs when they grow old. Personally, I strongly disagree with them on this matter. I will elaborate my arguments as follows.

The primary reason that the elderly should retire is that they are physically fragile. Their immunity is certain to deteriorate with age, so that they are more vulnerable to illness. For them, the likelihood is extraordinarily high of falling ill under the stress in the workplace. When struck by disease, they also have difficulties in recovering readily, and thus, the conditions can be chronic. Considering the potential risk of healthy problems, it is unwise for them to continue working.

Furthermore, even though a few people maintain robust health at their old age, they should withdraw from their occupation too - because it is a painful struggle for them to keep up with the times. In the age of technological innovation, many job sectors have undergone disruptive change, forcing professionals in these fields to learn from scratch and explore the unknown. This is just the serious weak point of the elderly, who tend to be conservative and not open to novelties. They usually stick to existing tools or solutions, reluctant to exercise their creativity. For this reason, the best option for them is to simply bow out of the employment market.

To recapitulate, infirmity due to age proves a major hurdle to the career development of older people. The era of technological revolution also poses formidable challenges to them. Therefore, they should withdraw from their occputation at a ripe old age, despite their eagerness to continue their professional pursuit.

This time, I tried to make some improvements accordingly. Hope it works. I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.
I used the term "strongly disagree", so I just laid out my disagreements rather than wrote a comparative essay. I placed the transition sentence "Furthermore, even though ..." in the opening of the third paragraph.

Nov 2, 2017
Writing Feedback / [task 2] children should not do any paid job, in spite of its benefits [2]

Children are engaged in some kind of paid job
Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

paid job for children: right or wrong

These days, children work for pay in certain cases. Some people look upon this as wrong by any criterion, while others deem it as worthwhile work experience, key to cultivating a sense of responsibility. In this essay, I will discuss each point of view, and continue with my own opinion.

Those who object to children participating in paid employment make a case that they are not qualified workers in the age of tremendous technological advancement. So many posts are highly professionalized, that there are few left to the poorly educated. Children, unfortunately, are right among the ranks, since they generally do not possess even a high school diploma. It is definitely no good for those not full-fledged to take on demanding tasks. However, this argument is challenged by other people, who believe paid jobs are not necessarily regular or exacting nowadays.

They contend that children can also gain precious work experience when they are paid by neighbors for baby-sitting, feeding pets or shoveling snow. As trivial as these jobs look, they are actually perfect opportunities for boys and girls to improve practical skills, and above all, learn to assume responsibility. Their rewards depend on their performance - if they do not take their assignments seriously, the pay will be embarrassingly low. To avoid the prospect of any financial loss, they will conscientiously fulfill their duty. Indeed, money incentives have their merits in this respect, but I think they do much more harm than good.

In my opinion, children's engagement in financially rewarded work is downright wrong. Mentally undeveloped, boys and girls are prone to taking tangible rewards for grant. If the tendency is followed, they are unlikely to do others a favor unless cash payment is involved. They will thus become mercenary, a serious consequence none will not regret.

Considering all these arguments I have provided, my conclusion is that children should not do any paid job, in spite of its benefits. They simply do not have the capacity for most of positions. More important, they can hardly be generous if they are used to this type of jobs.

348 words.
This time, I made corrections on my presentation. Hope it works. I will more appreciate it if you score my essay.

Oct 30, 2017
Writing Feedback / [task 2] International aid: necessary or not? [2]

The advocates of international aid believe that countries have a moral obligation to help each other, whilst the opponents consider it unnecessary because money is misspent by the authorities receiving it. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

international aid is beneficient only for governments

Some people advocate international assistance in the belief that states are under a moral obligation to give aid to others. Yet it is deemed unnecessary by the opponents, who cite the reason that the authorities as recipients spend the money inappropriately. In this essay, I will discuss each point of view and proceed with my own opinion.

The supporters contend that we should help foreign countries out of suffering for the sake of humanitarianism. Their citizens are as much human beings as us, and based on this unalterable fact, we simply cannot stand aloof. If we turn our attention inwards, leaving them to struggle with their miserable lives, our conscience will be bitten. We are all to be overwhelmed with remorse when we look back at our cruelty and selfishness. Such an argument does have its merits, but it is also called into question by others.

They dispute the necessity of aid on the ground that our favor and kindness cannot extend to those who we are desperate to help. There are too many regimes that show callous indifference to the misery of their people. The only concern for them is to maintain their rule. Therefore they are certain to withhold oversea aid to support their agenda. As harsh as the claim sound, it is actually rational, and resonates with me.

I echo the statement, since it has unfortunately come true. We have a perfect example right here and right now - that is North Korea. The rogue state holds its wretched nationals as pawns to appeal to sympathy. Once succeeding, it will not do anything but commit its gains to the nuclear weapon programmes and ballistic missile development. At that time, we ourselves will be under the growing menace of the sinister ruler - Kim Jong-un.

The discussion I have provided points to the very conclusion that international aid is not necessary. It is disquietingly clear that the beneficiaries are not people in need but governments. More important, our generosity can be the bane of us ourselves.

This month, I have paid much mo attention to task 1 than task 2, so I tried to practice task 2 this time. I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.

332 words, 45 minutes: It seems that I have a better time management for task 2.

Oct 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / [task 1] The charts show the relative size of populations of countries of the European Union [2]

The charts show the relative size of populations of countries of the European Union in both 1998 and 2007.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

population spread across EU states

The pie charts illustrate the population spread across states of the European Union in the year 1998 and 2007. It is noteworthy that 21 countries are grouped as a whole for analysis. In this essay, I will extract the essential elements of these graphs to make insightful comparisons.

Overall, the figures demonstrate the fragmented nature of the population distribution in the EU, without any segment accounting for above three tenths of Europeans in either year. Their share only saw minimum changes in 2007. Likewise, the ranking in the relative size of population turned out to remain the same.

Among the nations named, Germany continued to have the largest percentage of the total population, at 16.6% in 2007, in spite of a marginal decline from 17.1% in 1998. France and Britain retained the second and third spot, each accommodating 12.8% and 12.3% of Europeans in 2007, up from 12.5% and 12.2% in 1998. They were followed by Italy, where 11.9% of people lived in 2007, almost the same percentage as 11.8% in 1998.

Farther down the list came Spain and Poland. Their citizens represented 8.3% and 8.0% of Europeans in 1998, and 9.0% and 7.7% in 2007. With regard to the 21-country group, their people composed 29.7% in 2007, a negligible rise from 29.4% in 1998.

213 words. 35 minutes (efficiency will be improved)
I arranged my presentation in order of population ranking, and chose a replacement for "distill". Hope it works.
Please feel free to pick out errors you see, no matter how minimum. I would more appreciate it if your score the essay.