Writing Feedback / [task 1] map writing: arrangements in an American town between 1948 and the present year [3]

The map below shows the changes in an American town between 1948 and the present.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making comparisons where relevant.

transformation of an American town

The map illustrates different arrangements of an American town between 1948 and the present year. Here can be found diverse changes. They will be summarized in this essay by making appropriate comparisons.

Overall, the transport system goes unchanged whereas the buildings beside have largely been transformed. Almost all of the redevelopments occur north of the canal. The sole exception is in the southwestern corner, where a church has been repurposed.

In 1948, there was a petrol station in the north of the town, across from a park. Along the road to the southwest, there were a residential area and a local supermarket beyond; to the northeast lies an industrial zone. On the other side of the canal was situated a larger housing estate, away from a church in the southwest.

Currently, while the petrol station still stands, the park has been replaced with a supermarket and other commercial buildings. Furthermore, the factories have been converted to an airport, and both the smaller residential section and the local supermarket has given way to commercial structures. The church has vanished, with a sport stadium constructed instead. For all these transformations, the housing complex in the southeast of the town remains intact. It is also notable to mention that the grid of roads and the canal are untouched.

215 words
I am trying to improve my English proficiency by keeping writing. My current focus is on map analysis. I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.

I have a question: if the prompt goes that "The map below shows the changes in an American town between 1948 and2010", is it appropriate to assume 2010 is the present year? Or should I use the simple past tense to describe 2010? (such as ...the housing complex... remained intact)

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Writing Feedback / Reasons for land degradation - what impair the productive capacity of agricultural land? [2]

why agricultural land becomes less productive?

The pie chart below shows the main reasons why agricultural land becomes less productive. The table shows how these causes affected three regions of the world during the 1990s. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie chart is provided for analysis of what impair the productive capacity of agricultural land. The table details these damages in three regions over the last decade of the 20th century. In this essay, I will distill key points to make informative comparisons.

Overall, on a global scale, deforestation, over-cultivation and over-grazing are the primary culprits, each accounting for approximately three tenth of land degradation. Among these regions listed, Europe was hit most severely during 1990s, with 23% of its land degraded. By contrast, the comparable proportions were 13% and just 5% for North America and Oceania respectively.

Globally, overgrazing-induced land degradation makes up 35% of the total. Deforestation and excessive cultivation take a close second and third place in harmfulness, leading to 30% and 28% of land degradation each. On the contrary, only 7% of land degradation is attributed to other reasons.

Regionally, over-grazing bore the most blame in Oceania, where it reduced 11.3% of soil to barren fields, compared with 5.5% in Europe and 1.5% in North America. With regard to deforestation, 9.8% of land in Europe became infertile for this reason, while the percentage was down to 0.2% in North America and 1.7% in Oceania. Likewise, though Europe saw 7.7% of its land damaged by excessive cultivation, only 3.3% of land in North America and o% in Oceania suffered the same problem.

226 words
This time I practiced pie chart writing. I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.

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Writing Feedback / In the chart the population distribution in age, of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and projections for 2050 [4]

populations of Yemen and Italy

The charts below give Information on the ages of the populations of Yemen and Italy In 2000 and projections for 2050.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie charts illustrate the population distribution in age, of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and projections for 2050. Various changes can be seen in these figures. In this essay, I will distill the key points to make informative comparisons.

Overall, Yemen was much younger than Italia in 2000, and will be all the more so in 2050. In any given year, the overwhelming majority of population in Yemen was, or will be younger than 60. By comparison, a significant proportion of Italians were already 60 or older in 2000, and the figure will be even higher in 2050.

In 2000, people under 14 made up a bare majority - 50.1% - of population in Yemen, a larger share than 46.3% for those aged 15 to 59, and 3.6% for those 60 or older. In 2050, youths and middle-aged citizens will constitute the largest population group. They are forecast to account for 57.3% of the total, compared with 37.0% for babies and teenagers, and 5.7% for elders.

The spread of population across each age bracket is quite different in Italy. Only 11.5% of Italians will be under 14 in 2050 - even lower than 14.3% in 2000. The share of people age 15 to 59 is also projected to plummet from 61.6% in 2000, to 46.2% to 2050. By contrast, the share of older people will nearly double from 24.1% in 2000, to 42.3% in 2050, strengthening its position as the second largest age group.

243 words

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Writing Feedback / [task 1] The charts show the relative size of populations of countries of the European Union [2]

The charts show the relative size of populations of countries of the European Union in both 1998 and 2007.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

population spread across EU states

The pie charts illustrate the population spread across states of the European Union in the year 1998 and 2007. It is noteworthy that 21 countries are grouped as a whole for analysis. In this essay, I will extract the essential elements of these graphs to make insightful comparisons.

Overall, the figures demonstrate the fragmented nature of the population distribution in the EU, without any segment accounting for above three tenths of Europeans in either year. Their share only saw minimum changes in 2007. Likewise, the ranking in the relative size of population turned out to remain the same.

Among the nations named, Germany continued to have the largest percentage of the total population, at 16.6% in 2007, in spite of a marginal decline from 17.1% in 1998. France and Britain retained the second and third spot, each accommodating 12.8% and 12.3% of Europeans in 2007, up from 12.5% and 12.2% in 1998. They were followed by Italy, where 11.9% of people lived in 2007, almost the same percentage as 11.8% in 1998.

Farther down the list came Spain and Poland. Their citizens represented 8.3% and 8.0% of Europeans in 1998, and 9.0% and 7.7% in 2007. With regard to the 21-country group, their people composed 29.7% in 2007, a negligible rise from 29.4% in 1998.

213 words. 35 minutes (efficiency will be improved)
I arranged my presentation in order of population ranking, and chose a replacement for "distill". Hope it works.
Please feel free to pick out errors you see, no matter how minimum. I would more appreciate it if your score the essay.

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Writing Feedback / [task 2] International aid: necessary or not? [2]

The advocates of international aid believe that countries have a moral obligation to help each other, whilst the opponents consider it unnecessary because money is misspent by the authorities receiving it. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

international aid is beneficient only for governments

Some people advocate international assistance in the belief that states are under a moral obligation to give aid to others. Yet it is deemed unnecessary by the opponents, who cite the reason that the authorities as recipients spend the money inappropriately. In this essay, I will discuss each point of view and proceed with my own opinion.

The supporters contend that we should help foreign countries out of suffering for the sake of humanitarianism. Their citizens are as much human beings as us, and based on this unalterable fact, we simply cannot stand aloof. If we turn our attention inwards, leaving them to struggle with their miserable lives, our conscience will be bitten. We are all to be overwhelmed with remorse when we look back at our cruelty and selfishness. Such an argument does have its merits, but it is also called into question by others.

They dispute the necessity of aid on the ground that our favor and kindness cannot extend to those who we are desperate to help. There are too many regimes that show callous indifference to the misery of their people. The only concern for them is to maintain their rule. Therefore they are certain to withhold oversea aid to support their agenda. As harsh as the claim sound, it is actually rational, and resonates with me.

I echo the statement, since it has unfortunately come true. We have a perfect example right here and right now - that is North Korea. The rogue state holds its wretched nationals as pawns to appeal to sympathy. Once succeeding, it will not do anything but commit its gains to the nuclear weapon programmes and ballistic missile development. At that time, we ourselves will be under the growing menace of the sinister ruler - Kim Jong-un.

The discussion I have provided points to the very conclusion that international aid is not necessary. It is disquietingly clear that the beneficiaries are not people in need but governments. More important, our generosity can be the bane of us ourselves.

This month, I have paid much mo attention to task 1 than task 2, so I tried to practice task 2 this time. I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.

332 words, 45 minutes: It seems that I have a better time management for task 2.

Writing Feedback / [task 2] children should not do any paid job, in spite of its benefits [2]

Children are engaged in some kind of paid job
Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

paid job for children: right or wrong

These days, children work for pay in certain cases. Some people look upon this as wrong by any criterion, while others deem it as worthwhile work experience, key to cultivating a sense of responsibility. In this essay, I will discuss each point of view, and continue with my own opinion.

Those who object to children participating in paid employment make a case that they are not qualified workers in the age of tremendous technological advancement. So many posts are highly professionalized, that there are few left to the poorly educated. Children, unfortunately, are right among the ranks, since they generally do not possess even a high school diploma. It is definitely no good for those not full-fledged to take on demanding tasks. However, this argument is challenged by other people, who believe paid jobs are not necessarily regular or exacting nowadays.

They contend that children can also gain precious work experience when they are paid by neighbors for baby-sitting, feeding pets or shoveling snow. As trivial as these jobs look, they are actually perfect opportunities for boys and girls to improve practical skills, and above all, learn to assume responsibility. Their rewards depend on their performance - if they do not take their assignments seriously, the pay will be embarrassingly low. To avoid the prospect of any financial loss, they will conscientiously fulfill their duty. Indeed, money incentives have their merits in this respect, but I think they do much more harm than good.

In my opinion, children's engagement in financially rewarded work is downright wrong. Mentally undeveloped, boys and girls are prone to taking tangible rewards for grant. If the tendency is followed, they are unlikely to do others a favor unless cash payment is involved. They will thus become mercenary, a serious consequence none will not regret.

Considering all these arguments I have provided, my conclusion is that children should not do any paid job, in spite of its benefits. They simply do not have the capacity for most of positions. More important, they can hardly be generous if they are used to this type of jobs.

348 words.
This time, I made corrections on my presentation. Hope it works. I will more appreciate it if you score my essay.

Writing Feedback / [task 2] Some people believe that it is a good idea to continue to work at their old age [4]

Some people believe that it is a good idea to continue to work at their old age. To what extent do you agree or disagree

the writing topic of 20171102 China mainland IELTS test

elderly people at work

Some people think it a good idea to stay in their jobs when they grow old. Personally, I strongly disagree with them on this matter. I will elaborate my arguments as follows.

The primary reason that the elderly should retire is that they are physically fragile. Their immunity is certain to deteriorate with age, so that they are more vulnerable to illness. For them, the likelihood is extraordinarily high of falling ill under the stress in the workplace. When struck by disease, they also have difficulties in recovering readily, and thus, the conditions can be chronic. Considering the potential risk of healthy problems, it is unwise for them to continue working.

Furthermore, even though a few people maintain robust health at their old age, they should withdraw from their occupation too - because it is a painful struggle for them to keep up with the times. In the age of technological innovation, many job sectors have undergone disruptive change, forcing professionals in these fields to learn from scratch and explore the unknown. This is just the serious weak point of the elderly, who tend to be conservative and not open to novelties. They usually stick to existing tools or solutions, reluctant to exercise their creativity. For this reason, the best option for them is to simply bow out of the employment market.

To recapitulate, infirmity due to age proves a major hurdle to the career development of older people. The era of technological revolution also poses formidable challenges to them. Therefore, they should withdraw from their occputation at a ripe old age, despite their eagerness to continue their professional pursuit.

This time, I tried to make some improvements accordingly. Hope it works. I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.
I used the term "strongly disagree", so I just laid out my disagreements rather than wrote a comparative essay. I placed the transition sentence "Furthermore, even though ..." in the opening of the third paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Changes in the amount and type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers [3]

fast food consumption by australian adolescents

IELTS writting task 1: The line graph below shows changes in the amount and type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers from 1975 to 2000.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The line graph given illustrates how often Australian adolescents consumed three types of fast food, as measured by the number of times eaten per year, from 1975 to 2000. Overall, pizza, once the most consumed fast food, lost favor with Australian teenager. By comparison, the period given saw a sharp increase in the consumption of fish and chips, and hamburgers.

Pizza, which Australian adolescents ate as high as 100 times per year in 1975, saw slight downward fluctuations until 1985, after which it was in sharp decline. It was overtaken by hamburgers in the late 1980s and by fish and chips in the early 1990s. In 2000, the consumption of pizza fell below 40 times per year.

By contrast, the consumption of hamburgers, and of fish and chips, which was well below 20 times per year each, experienced a dramatic rise, albeit at different rates. The former soared to over 80 times per year in 1985 and then rose steadily to minimally more than 100 times per year in 2000, while the latter increased at a considerable rate before leveling off at over 80 times per year from 1995 and 2000. Noteworthily, throughout the period given, Australian adolescents always ate hamburgers at higher frequencies than fish and chips.

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I just saw Holt advocate for the three paragraph task 1 essay so I try to write such one. Hope it works out well.

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Writing Feedback / From the given line graph: how much chicken, beef, lamb and fish were consumed, by grams per person [4]

IELTS Task 1: The graph below shows the consumption of fish and different kinds of meat in a European country between 1979 and 2004.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph given demonstrates how much chicken, beef, lamb and fish were consumed, as measured by grams per person per week, in an unnamed European nation from 1979 to 2004. Overall, chicken gained popularity while beef and lamb lost favor during the period. There was little change in the intake of fish, which was the least consumed food all the time.

Beef well exceeded any other food listed in consumption at more than 200 grams per person per week in 1979, but the figure was in decline throughout most of the period, despite hovering at a high of approximately 225 grams per person per week in the 1980s. As a result, the average person in the European country only ate slightly more than 100 grams beef each week in 2004. A similar downward spiral was seen in lamb, whose consumption was just modestly above 50 grams per person per week in 2004, a dramatic decrease from 150 grams in 1979.

By comparison, the consumption of chicken was in an upswing and overtook that of lamb soon after 1979 and that of beef around 1989, making it the most consumed food ever since. In 2004, people in the country took in about 250 grams fish every week on average, well above around 150 grams in 1979. With regard to fish, its consumption always stayed at about 50 grams.

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I have a specific question: is it correct to write "...decrease from 150 grams" instead of "decrease from 150 grams per person per week" in the last sentece of the second paraphrase?

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Writing Feedback / Number of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University [4]

IELTS Task 1:
The line graph gives information about the number of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University between 2005 and 2009.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph provided demonstrates how many students from Iran, Turkey and Greece were admitted to Sheffield University from 2005 to 2009. Overall, Greece and the other two countries diverged evidently in student enrollment. Greek students enrolled at a slower pace, while more and more Turkish and Iranian students entered the university.

In 2005, Sheffield University enrolled much more Greek students than those from any other country listed, 180 to less than 40. However, Greek freshmen rapidly diminished to approximately 70 in 2007, by which Greece was overtaken by Iran and Turkey in enrollment. Afterwards, Greek student enrollment continued to slide, to about 30 in 2009.

The enrollment of Iranian students growed in parallel with that of Turkish students by 2008, when the former began to soar. In 2009, Iran became the largest source country as 160 Sheffield University freshmen were Iranian, a striking rise from less than 40 in 2005. The number of Turkish students who enrolled in the university also saw a considerable increase, from around 20 in 2005 to over 120 in 2009.

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Writing Feedback / People's shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factors. [4]

People's shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factors.

Do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that nothing exerts as much influence on one's shopping habits as the age bracket into which he falls. I disagree with the idea. In my opinion, there are a variety of factors which are more influential.

First, disruptive innovations including online shopping overshadows age in determining people's shopping habits. The elderly, who are the most conservative segment of the population, tend to stick to old norms and practices. They are usually in contrast with younger people, who are eager to embrace novelties. However, in this era when electronic commerce is on the rise, even senior citizens are turning to shopping websites and thus they do not show much difference from young shoppers. For example, my grandfather, who will turn 85 this year, and me, who is in my early 20s, both become regular users of Taobao, the Chinese version of Amazon.

When to make purchases, affordability is another consideration which carries more relevance than age. Most of people, regardless of the age, are habituated to buying the best things for which they can pay. Take clothes, for example. The rich tend to develop a habit of going to fancy boutiques in pursuit of customized suits that never fail to arrest attention, while the poor perhaps have no choice but habituate themselves to browsing eBay for what is sold at discount.

In conclusion, I am in disagreement that age is the most significant factor in deciding one's shopping habits. His financial means can have more impact. Innovations which bring revolutionary change to life also exceeds age in terms of relevance.