Research Papers / research paper mla format "dress code enforcement in islamic countries" [8]

clueless what to wite? write or cite O_o

well, look online for the information...GOOGLE is your friend. Or, if you have access to a library, look for information about Middle Eastern dress. The portions about arguments- some libraries have online resources.

You can support your argument with the reasoning behind dress code. and show this dress code enforcement is necessary despite the arguments against it. <there. now go research :O

Research Papers / research paper mla format "dress code enforcement in islamic countries" [8]

about this research paper, how many words? And how focused do you have to be? any general guidelines that you have to abide by? These will narrow down or allow you to write more about the issue. For example, a 4000 word research paper may range from 14-16 pages depending on layout, words used, citations, etc.

About a thesis, that's your own idea. xD Ask yourself, why this topic? what important about it? what is the best approach to such an issue? :] introductions can take up an entire page or more depending on what you want to talk about. basically, the intro presents a general explanation of what you are trying to say, why you are saying it, and the importance of talking about it.

Research Papers / research paper mla format "dress code enforcement in islamic countries" [8]

what do you know about dress code in these countries?
if this is a thorough research paper, maybe have an outline like this:
1.intro
2.what is dress code in islamic countries
3.importance of this matter
4.why this dress code is enforced/importance of dress code
5.people/reasons that support
6.people/reasons that reject
...current issues/events/etc

As for points ...go Google :]
you can get citations there too. easybib.com is a good site to make citations for a works cited page.

*sorry, I don't really understand if you're asking a question...

Book Reports / Oe Kenzaburo - Discussing three separate works using Oe's common notion-feedback [3]


what do you mean by the last clause?

About tense, you can try keeping everything in present tense for a lot. This way it sounds better. Something my English teacher advised our class to do just yesterday :] something about writing conventions. Also, since Oe Kenzaburo is still among the living, treat him as a contemporary writer?


using this as a topic sentence is rather weak. what did you mean by freedom inside incarceration?


Why do you say this? I'm confused. beginning of what? by the end of the first body paragraph, I'm still puzzled over that notion thing.


somewhat of a explanation, but make sure your comparison is parallel. sounds like his arrest isn't literal like in this and that book, but metaphorical. <very confusing. maybe [isn't literal as the arrests are in this and that...]

These factors are his incarceration. He is a prisoner of himself and his choices.

Focus on this point. placing it at the end of the third paragraph is confusing. and the three points, can't they each be a separate paragraph?


this was the prompt.. but you don't really mention, how this notion, freedom inside incarceration, is in this first novel. I'm still get the connection between being a prisoner of his choices gives him freedom.

Try not to summarize so much plot. Try to focus more on the theme/idea/point of freedom inside incarceration in these novels.

Undergraduate / DePaul Essay -- Goals, Challenges, Community, Interests [6]

about prompt 1, make sure you answer the ENTIRE prompt. I don't think you answer the second part of it. also, you mention that you are doing all those activities regarding theater, but you don't describe how you will accomplish it.


four ands :O


vague. What specifically did you learn from THIS experience/situation?

prompt 3. this question is so weird."playing a leadership" it theater terminology :O


prompt 4


you say that you took classes. these were in school or out?


vague. branched to ...what do you mean?

This is really hard. 100words per answer :O short answers ...not essays right? and do you just choose one? or all of them are required?

Essays / How to start a Classification Essay on television shows? [4]

there are many ways to deal with television classification. maybe start by describing the eclectic of shows available and possibly the ratings/genres/audiences. then a thesis about how these shows, while of these different genres, have a similar purpose or statement...or that they have many different purposes...I'm assuming you have to discuss those three types of shows? you can also talk about the appeal of such shows to different people, and what meaning they have for these groups.. just some ideas.

Can you explain more what you have to discuss?

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

I've never understood what sth means. s and n and v and adj and adv are simple enough, but the others ones...I always get confused when I'm looking through my french dictionary

Letters / 'I hope that you can give me some latitude on this' - my e-mail sent to UC Davis [3]

However, the school [Burlingame]

I recently acknowledged [ I recently found out that]
I will contacted Burlingame high school on December 14th, but I fear that they may not have gotten it [send my transcript] out on [by the] time [you need it for confirmation].

I think this is fine. Question though, when did we have to send out transcripts for UCs? I haven't sent mine out and I'm not sure when they need them by. Sometime this month, but I'm not sure when.

Undergraduate / Tennis. Common Application Short Answer:Elaborate on an extracurricular activity [4]


informal, but it works I guess
about your answer, you just talk vaguely about what happens in high school tennis. Suggestion: make your answer more personal by showing more about how you learned these characters, what event, if you can specifically recall it, that made you realize this about tennis. While I think it's great that you learn to call lines and faults, etc, what else about tennis makes it the ONE activity to talk about here.

Undergraduate / "my first visit to Liberia" - Essay for VCU [4]


run-on


run-on. semi-colons should be used for independent clauses.


passive voice, but also the tense changed -remember


rephrase.


more history. again, the semi-colon issue.


semi-colon issue again. maybe use a dash sometimes.


Ok..so this is the second paragraph. page 87 OF YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY...talking about your family history there is odd. Maybe mention that you these thoughts came back to you. that seeing the land in front of you reminded you of things...but make sure it flows. try not to just talk history. make yourself part of this. it's an essay about you

Ask yourself why you write this. Then edit and add more.


sounds like you're still dependent on your parents a lot even after going to college. maybe say they agreed that I could go visit.


coming sounds present tense. so tense change again. going to* visit


not to sound offensive, but this sounds like you're "going native." Because you talk so much about your family already, maybe edit this to show more emphasis on what was happening...in a more past tense manner. Your journey started when you left Holland, is it? So maybe say, began the next step in embracing...

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Is it better to move around or to stay in one place? toefl essays [5]


basically, saying that "Firstly, like we, human beings, animals..." is confusing...Using firstly as an adverb just doesn't fit there...I don't ever remember using that word with the -ly. I think you meant to say, "For example, humans, like other animals, are delivered to this world with genetic instincts." Instincts are assumed to be genetic, so no need to repeat.


About "in addition to the previous point, the fact that you say "In addition.. means that you are adding the the previous point. No need to say it again...unless you have a very long analysis that follows your point...I don't see the need here.. Another common mistake goes like this, "We both went to eat pizza together." Only ONE, both or together, is needed.

A few other transitions that have a similar meaning are moreover, furthermore, and what is more.


for a strong conclusion, try not to summarize what you wrote previously. Try to connect some of the smaller points from the previous paragraphs into the ending to make it flow more. You don't have to just restate the introduction and the topic sentences. Be creative!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt; Repressed Memoir of My Past [24]

well, no need to have repressed memories of the past anymore. time to move on and work on homework. how are your other applications going?

I'm confused. Did a moderator delete your finished draft :? I can't find it here...

Writing Feedback / Is it better to move around or to stay in one place? toefl essays [5]

For your first essay, make sure you capitalize proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences.
For however, place commas around it like this: I, however, will always continue to strive for new surprises.


This sentence is rather long. I think your point got lost somewhere in there. Overall, this was a shady way to approach the prompt, as you avoid mentioning staying put or moving around. Although you mention that dreaming of going to the United States is a motivation for you, you place a definite main point that answers the question.


Again, you stray from the prompt. You say that turning 18 is NOT what makes people an adult. You don't present what does...


This is closer to answering, but you still say it in passing. Make sure you give a stronger statement. Ask yourself, what do the examples I use show about my thoughts? How do these words build upon a central idea?


This should be the focus of this essay. Try not stray too much.


Good you make a claim this time. However, some typos that are distracting I made bold


This was the lesson you learned, right? Not quite. You don't say what you learned; you only state that this was what happened. Make sure you make your points.


These sentences are filled with more information, some informal, but you STILL do NOT have a main point. You only present the effects of these scenarios.


Much better. Clean and well stated. I'm not sure if you intentionally did not mention the zoo part, but it works.


just a note: try not to use so many helping verbs / passive tense.
Firstly <I'm not sure if this is correctly used. I just thought it was awkward>
captivate <I think you meant 'capture'>
In addition to the previous point ,
wanted assis t

Comments: improvement in the last essay is noticeable. Just a point, try to build on your conclusions, but overall, the last essay was much better.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY CHOOSE WHERE TO GO [4]

However, if I learn Chinese dynasties through television, you must pay close attention to them because, in television program, although I can watch it again and again, I am not able to learn more than what is screened on television. <run-on sentence.>

In your second paragraph, maybe include this could go with learning about it's culture and long history.

I can learn mysterious aspects that are rarely shown in the television program. <You mention this at least 5 times throughout the essay, once in each paragraph. maybe mention what you see on television and how you want to visit/explore the scenes that appear. Just saying that being in China to see things first hand, not through the screen of a television doesn't provide the detail that the prompt asks for.>

You have a flow of words, with the first, second, third, "to sum up," etc but can you be more creative and show about this:

I really want to learn more about a history, ancient palaces, and the unseen culture. To attain the goal, traveling to China will help me a lot to learn these things by my eyes rather on television in my own country. <this should be your focus, so many talk more about how each of the three:history, palaces, and culture are motivation for you to go to China.>

Undergraduate / Pueblo, the city I live in - Prompt 1 for admission to UC schools: [5]

make sure you keep plural with plural and singular with singular. Some flips in the first para.


I'm confused, what do you mean?
a city great; a diverse population, <semi-colon misuse. use a colon>


<transitions would help. about this first line of the paragraph, ask yourself why you say this>


<you is informal. I see some sarcasm here, but make this more a personal statement. why will I delighted to see such a thing? explain and tell more about how this community/city has affected you.>


again, somewhat informal, at least I think so.

, as clichéd as it is, <seems like more looking down on people, does this mean that you don't want to fit into cliches? that you want to be different? maybe say that in a less cynical way?>

my DNA <about this usage, it's interesting, but character is not an embedded trait...it's not natural to all. by imprinted, do you mean it's been stamped on? that this world has made you thus? that's interesting...>

Comments: maybe less on how this world is, although it's VERY descriptive, and mention more how it has shaped you. about "character" what do you mean? As a "westerner," maybe I don't understand what you're implying.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / A letter from Birmingham Jail- A Argument essay [4]

If a immigrant travels to America from a foreign country, they aren't always treated equally or fairly. <keep it parallel>

Martin Luther King Jr. writes in his essay, "Letter from Birmingham Jail", about various topics regarding equality. <combine this with the next sentence> Even though King writes about African-Americans and equal rights in America, he's [also] writing about every person who is not welcomed in their country.

He would have helped anyone in any country who was treated unfairly, "Had I lived in Germany at the time, I would have aided and comforted my Jewish brothers"(King 227). <make sure your quotes flow well with the sentence. also, make sure whatever quotes you use, you substantiate on them and ask the "why am I using this" question to yourself.>

being accepted; equality, <use a colon, not a semicolon>

Comments: this intro is a tad long-winded, make sure you want everything there to lead into the question you set out to answer: how does King's letter address the struggles of current immigrants, especially those in the US today? <something along this lines, yea?>

Undergraduate / Dental training, Obstacle Essay Help [6]

do what you think is best. the smile that Dadi shows you is cool.. but I don't think it adds to what you will bring..so consider placing it in an earlier part and taking some things out.

Undergraduate / Hampshire College supple essays (Korean point of view) [2]

share A time...not two?
tossed down sounds derogatory
encouraged them
at first time .
<new paragraph?>
learned about brief history of [the] United Nations.


this is a rather prosaic sentence.

i'll post more, but I hope others comment too. you have lots to say

Undergraduate / U of wisconsin madison personal statement (an educational environment) [2]

Love how the prompt is like "....In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?"

would join joined
about your addiction, do you mention them in your main app? do you talk more about them? do you do well with all these activities? if yes to this last Q, then great job!


this was what I was thinking

It was [not] until


sounds informal. [so we all benefited]

I have had completed


another informal statement.

very hard for this especially for me since it was something new <needs edit>

please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus.
you talk about MANY MANY interests. maybe talk more about this dancing talent that you unexpectedly gained by trying "something" new. <note: less somethings in your essay so it sounds clearner.>

Good luck with your app!

Undergraduate / "It was like living in a mini zoo" - UC Prompt #1: My college app. essay [4]

outnumber = one word
, at least


combine into one sentence. I think you can
Finally, <I think Guy and Lisa can be taken out. you don't use the names throughout.>


can be combined too.
<I'm not sure what's wrong with your spacing. New paragraphs?>
I was [filled]overcome with nostalgia of childhood dreams of being a mermaid.
At the age of sixteen


do you need to put this achievement? maybe just say you finally received recognition of your efforts/pursuit.


misuse of semicolon. [that first goal of helping...]


[shaped me in many ways]

very cool story.some grammar errors but it's nice. also the weird spacing/enters. watch em

Undergraduate / "Running gave me perseverance" UC prompt 2 [4]

ok. thanks K C. it is ok... but try rephrasing so YOU don't have to?

and no, i don't think you are summarizing.. summarizing means spiting back out lists of activities

Undergraduate / "Sunflower" significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken... [4]

Sunflowers extend their necks and twigs. Although they are slender and deformed, sunflowers can scrape fingernails deep into the earth while straightening their face to the sun. They grows in thorns, but by the end of summer, they flourish with the fruit of maturity. <plural maybe?>

I attended elementary school late and was forced to adapt into the new environment quickly. Since the first day of school, teachers noticed that I needed more academic support and attention from them. Although I excelled in Art class, I was terrible at Math and barely aware of a dozen words while others had already started reading The Confucian Analects. Not surprisingly, I was the one who always got the lowest mark. My peers were incredibly cynical; they classified people into categories of idol, commoner and moron based on grades-nobody made friends with morons. I was on outcast. Even in my excelled art class, I was the center of ridicule. "Dude, look at this bizarre flower. Ugh. Can moron also draw?" I wanted to gobble myself whole so that others couldn't see me. My tears rolled down my cheek in a big Ha-Ha. <what is a ha-ha?laugh?>

I returned home sorrowful and depressed. I glanced at my painting and started to erase everything off. Yes, my sunflower was hopeless, but I just could not accept that all my effort devoted in the sketch was all for nothing. The nanny heard me weeping, and quickly approached, "What a nice painting!" she proclaimed. "No, it sucks; my classmates think it is stupid." I cried even harder. Nanny patted on my shoulder, "They are just jealous and afraid that you would surpass them. Don't let others steal your confidence. Your painting is just fine the way it is." Then, she firmly snatched my eraser away. I look at my painting, a stem seemingly too thin to heave a weighty head up confronting the sun; several leaflets too small to absorb sufficient nutrition. Even though some stems were somehow crooked and that just made it right. Despite the fact that my flower could not fit the criteria of beautiful or even normal, it didn't need anything. I could see something struggling under its tenuous appearance. I could see it grow.

She was right. <most of this is very good.>

With that painting, I won the first place in the "National Literature and Art Competition" among five thousands participants. Years later, with unconcealed confidence and delight, persistence and hard work, I overcame all the obstacles and reached the top of my class within a year. While nanny has not worked for us for years, I have her words treasured deep in my heart, "Don't let others steal your confidence", believe in it, and I will accomplish anything. <ending needs a bit fixing. sorry I edited right on your essay. try looking for fixes and see why. you answer the prompt very well though. good luck.>

Undergraduate / "Running gave me perseverance" UC prompt 2 [4]

I'm confused. . Running can't be hard! but it IS hard? try making sure you get the point across better. first para about a first day. make that clearer earlier in the para.


informal use of YOU, please don't
manifested <word use. those thoughts crossed your mind...>
make the tense consistent. use PAST for most of it. and not a journal, unless you WANT that effect


what do you mean?

focus more on how you are proud of this accomplishment/experience and how it shows who you are. a tad less on the running that don't mention perseverance/endurance.

Good luck

Undergraduate / Prompt 2- "to honor the life of a departed friend" [9]

don't scram this essay for the first one. I hope you're not just starting the other one...

focus on how that event changed you and makes you YOU. otherwise, it's better for prompt 2

Undergraduate / Dental training, Obstacle Essay Help [6]

I carry these lessons with me in all new problems I face. In dentistry, simply ignoring problems only makes them build up, until they cannot be ignored. By facing complications when they originate it is easier to overcome them. should be the focus of your essay yea?

make it more apparent.

a story of a friend's passing. though nicely worded, focus more on that last part of the prompt. And why the dream/waking intro and ending? Was this ALL a dream?

Undergraduate / GW honors essay - Is it too business like? [2]


try to make this a more personal essay.


what do you have to offer? I don't see anything here in this essay
The Honors program is a perfect fit for me as I go on to pursue a career in the medical field. The tough, challenging courses it provides will add to my drive to excel and succeed. Focus more on this idea throughout the essay.

good you talk about yourself at the end, but it's unexpected and breaks the flow of the previous two paragraphs. try moving things around.

I ask what I can do for the Program itself. <what do you mean itself?>

you do show interest in joining. however, try making it more personal and focus more on what you have to give instead of a big "suck-up" answer in your intro. place that at the end.

Research Papers / Review on article of Corporate Farming [3]

1. I can't find the article. I can find book quotes from Google, but no article, and that link 1 is a dead one
2. try summarizing more and being more concise. I tried reading some but it's not much evaluation. overview for part a) seems fine.
about biases, there are always biases, from where information is found, from what is used as information, what is excluded, etc.


how it THIS bias evaluation?

timeliness is good. article ahs

Undergraduate / Prompt 2- "to honor the life of a departed friend" [9]

I can still remember the connection we had the first time we met
I can also still <also still?> remember my[self] trembling as[when] I gave a eulogy at his funeral.
friend, Ryan Hwang, [had] passed
patheticness <word!>
[such] as <or [like]> myself
emptiness could never weigh so much.

His death acted as a catalyst for my motivation you should focus a bit? maybe a lot more on this part of your essay.
- after the depression came the opportunity and the drive to make the world a better place; an attempt to remove the sadness that previously overwhelmed me. <why a dash? why the semi-colon?>

I feel as if that significantly altered the course of my life. <pray tell. how? tell more and use some other terms. >

My character has been built on my experiences, <we all know that. strength the second part of the sentence.>
in the way I appreciate my friends. <another point you can focus on. something about being THANKFUL..ring any bells this season?>
If there was anything to be [I] gained [anything]
there wasn't enough love as it was.

Fortunately, <about your conclusion, maybe focus a bit more on how this event has affected you. about how these have DIRECTLY changed you, to reflect how you are.

how does this make you proud? that you were able to witness a death of a friend that changed your perspective of the world? maybe talk about how you are proud of the change that you made after..>

needed edits, <comments>, [additions/fixes], focus

Good luck with your app!
*I submitted mine but if you would like to read them, go ahead.

Undergraduate / "My parents are pastors" - UC Prompt #1 - My World [18]

first essay i skimmed and didnt notice much. you answer the prompt nicely tho.

And thus the ability to speak multiple different languages is the talent that I am most proud of.<awkward wording>I had the blessing of living in four different countries, therefore, learnt four different languages. <here too. the clauses sound off a bit.>

which granted me to learn Spanish; lived in Brazil, which granted me to learn [where I learned Spanish...learned or learnt, I thik its learned.>

"Why am I wasting time here?" I regret taking french. It's no real help here in SoCal. maybe instead of mentioning the spanish class event, talk about what you used Spanish for in your trips, and in church.

to do that I would need to know their languages to communicate.
I am a little prepared to achieve my dream <sounds insecure> [Learning these languages have prepared me to achieve my dream...] edit the ending a bit.

Book Reports / Comparing aspects of some world literature books [4]

Ok...I decided to just analyze an excerpt from The Trial.

Here's a summary of the section: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Before_the_Law

This is my proposed topic: How does the excerpt reflect the connection K has with the Court? Focus on identity and justice.

In this excerpt from Kafka's The Trial, a priest presents a fleeting yet meaningful introduction to the law that governs the Court. Symbolic on several levels, the priest's dialogue attests to the situation in which K finds himself. Within this brief text of the law lie numerous correlations between K and the man, and between the doorkeeper and the Court. The saddening fact is that K does not realize the more symbolic connotations of the law, but he only reflects on the characterizations of those involved in the narration. Like snippets of unnoticed evidence, those subtle associations demonstrate how the indicted, in their quests to face the law, become fools trying to delay their fate.

The story of a man and doorkeeper fills the bulk of the opening to the law, effectively trapping many in its analytical significance and their critical ignorance. Even Joseph K becomes clouded about the story after pondering over the implications. This account is like a mirage that blinds everyone's understanding, which naturally draws upon the information as if it were significant for debate. The accused fail to pass over this obstacle but instead succumb to the debacle presented them. Because they cannot see further into the rules of the Court, the accused are left to the mercy of their lawyers.

All are fools who try to enter the doors of the law or hope to accomplish change in a system they have no knowledge of or any control over. As the priest tells K, "You fool yourself in Court." This statement immediately shows that no hope remains for fools, for those who try to face the Courts' orders. His additional statement, that K's hope to evade the Court is deceitful, confirms that the Court knows of the reservations that people have before when they seek the law. Embarking on his story of the law, the priest ensnares K into the trend that so many before him have fallen. Instead of finding the law, they find a contemplative narrative of a man who never gains admittance to the law and dies in his attempt.

Just as the man from the countryside is a neophyte in the law, the accused are also inexperienced in its workings. They find a doorkeeper barring their way to what is supposedly open to all. Throughout the novel, this doorkeeper is present in the stale, suffocating air of the Court, as well as in the mysterious actions of the lawyers. The fact that a doorkeeper guards the flow of people to the law, which is thus paradoxically open yet closed. While invited to pass through the gates, these people remain on one side of the gate, just like those who are puzzled reading the law and stumped by the law's perplexities. Without passing through the gates in the initial stage, they learn of nothing other than their own shortcomings.

The doorkeeper stands by the door and executes his duty, but his actions reflect those of the lawyers of the Court. It is remains a possibility that people can enter the law, "but not now." The accused have to wait upon lawyers to make their case for them, without any real evidence or anything to benefit their position. All that stands in their way is the word of the lawyer, the doorkeeper who accepts the bribes given to him. Described like a bully with his snug coat, his overbearing nose, beard of knowledge, the doorkeeper asks disinterested questions, just like the lawyers do. These reflect the immunity of the law to the peoples' desperate needs and doubts.

...I'm not done yet, but any advice would be great, about the analysis or focus, etc

Thanks

Undergraduate / USC Prompt 3 (reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence) [7]

more reflection I think. it's quite too much about the golf game and not what you learned from it. but then again, doesn't have to aLL be reflection..just maybe some more.

thanks for the note about Murphy. about the reset button, try making it more like a metaphor/simile? would be more than "In essence,..."

Undergraduate / Pg.217 UPenn Essay (Optional) [5]

I don't get it...is this supposed to be something about u receiving admission:? haha.
oooooooohh. now I remember, this is supposed to be page 217 of your 300 page autobiography.

As I hoped that my optional essay to Penn made an impact in my admissions factor, I slowly tore open the snow white envelope addressed to me with gently quivering hands. <the first clause needs editing.>

very interesting..haha. but this as page 217? are you sure? that's a bit late in your bio..

Undergraduate / USC Prompt 3 (reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence) [7]

so similar. why not just ask there, but I guess it's better.

beating sounds violent.
In a way, this event [This experience]
talk more about how this relates to you, but yea it does mention how you face a challenge..
refer to that previous comment i made:
what is murphy's law? mental reset in order to overcome a challenge...:<

Undergraduate / My great-grandma and Alzheimer's- UC Prompt #1 [8]

born to [in]
she is always there for me when I need her even through the toughest of times <toughest of times is included in always there, yea?>

graduated from Stanford with engineering degrees <why include this?>[Both graduates from Stanford, they help me whenever I ask.]
with my homework when I need it <something more? or just homework>
not only inspired by my family, they were <save some words?>
My inspiration is two small words with more definitions than a dictionary, incurable disease.<This inspiration...a dictionary: incurable...>
succumbed to Alzheimer's after years of struggling with the disease.<sounds off. succumbed to Alzheimer's is like getting it right? or maybe I'm wrong>

her passing[,] she <comma or no comma?>
to strive for creating treatments [to strive to create treatments]
progression of <these/such> incurable diseases.
dreams and aspirations <maybe just use one of the words. you use them both twice I think.>

Comments: for more word cuts, make sure that what your writing is about the world of the your family...that it's important about who you are and thus led you to biomed..

other than that, good I guess.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: K-pop [12]

hahaha. nice remake of the intro.
They began to question where they had gone wrong- <instead of question, ask?>
I guess "Bengali community" is used well enough, just maybe there was one too many.
good though. it presents more about you while keeping with that theme. no more wannabe Koreans xD

Undergraduate / Dance has made me who i am..- UC prompt #2 [13]

What if I forget the dance? My instructor led me and my fellow dancers out onto the stage. Our dance number was announced, the music was queued, and I started to dance to "The Hokey Pokey".

period inside quote always. forgot*

the second para still has a tense conflict. you talk about struggling, in present tense...then you go back to past tense about the fouette..then back to present. i'm guessing you tried a transition with "...but I never give up because as a dancer, I learned discipline."

At times, life can be difficult <comma needed?>
self-discipline or confidence <?why or>

lol at all the conjunctions.

Undergraduate / "our departure from NC Governor's School" - Give Me Some Advice [6]

Walking down the rows of tables at Governor's School with my first dinner in my hands, *you don't have the school in your hands :x

My first encounter with Alex resulted in a conclusion that he was very introverted, almost antisocial.<make this more active and not a passive sentence

Well, I would help him have some fun at this camp then. <informal. [I decided to help him have...]
up to me, and I to him <is it supposed to be "up with me, and I with him"? I'm not sure. maybe it's fine>

fearful of approaching others openly first [fearful of being the first to openly approach (an)other(s)]
true color [use a dash here] his
Alex had been able to [Alex had open up to]
counsel < used awkwardly>
Even though Alex first...<I thought you approached him. and about him being a ghost, you sure?>

focus more on how this challenged you to better yourself. you can change a few sentence to seem less like you knew everything and were able to advise him perfectly..talk about what you had to go through..

Essays / Parents VS You - need a few writing ideas! [8]

would be interesting to read something about a significance experience/accomplishment about a room. but make sure you can tie in things about how you are proud of that accomplishment and how your room reflects you.

Undergraduate / Christian private school - Requesting Critique for UC Prompt 1 [2]

first sentence grammar is off. that paragraph is somewhat strange too. aside from...I studied the Bible...by yourself? in class?


tell more about how before ending the paragraph. try making each paragraph have a central topic that flows better. Your first sentences of each paragraph are long winded btw. keep tense consistent > when a recipe took a turn...

I don't see much in your essay about how you make your own conclusions from experience. about that cooking experience, make a topic sentence along the lines of, While many would consider culinary arts non-consequential for college, my decision to register for a program (gave me/taught me) ___. as for a transition from the previous paragraph, I'm not sure if this^ will help.

Comments: your world, your experience, your unwillingness to accept for truth what others tell you to accept but want firsthand knowledge, that's all good I guess. However, keep it focused? and mention/show how this affects your dream/aspirations...also, I'm still confused about the Christian/Buddhist inferences...maybe focus more on the not-wanting-to-be-biased aspect and go from there.

Good luck with your app!