Book Reports / Animal Farm: Reflection on what you learnt [4]

sorry I didn't see this earlier...

if this was a reflection, it should be fine. some grammar mistakes but it's well written-ish.
interesting use of obfuscate at the end

Undergraduate / Princeton essay: fear of death [3]

OMG this essay, I ended up doing my own quote, but I had lots of trouble with it. this was the one i chose at first but ended up ditching because I made myself look too dumb. what i realized about this prompt is either something that is entirely unanswerable, such as death, meaning of life, right, wrong, etc...about how these questions keep us thinking, that they are constant reminders to us. so i guess you did answer the prompt, better than i did at least.


use a period to separate the sentences. need a comma b/n cold and terrifying
I thought , since I
twistingspinning? quarters ...is brokenbreaks


this should be the focus of your essay maybe, I'm not sure if it is, but this addresses the question.
the more I think about it...., the more this desire...[either use <that, or rephrase to use exponentially]
the way you use the quote doesn't fit the parallel of the sentence there. usage otherwise is fine.

I don't understand your last sentence. fix?

Comments: you do address the prompt well, but the part about leaving the question about death, after saying that it "haunted" you, is rather off. just noticed you didn't write out the entire prompt. it's supposed to be something like : use the following excerpt as a jumping off point for something...

Good luck with your app!

Undergraduate / Dance has made me who i am..- UC prompt #2 [13]

most likely have to wait on Kevin or Sean's judgment, or anyone else's. whenever they feel like looking over your stuff. haha. couple more days, how are you doing on your first prompt?

Undergraduate / my stay in africa and my dad. [14]

make sure you keep commas and periods and other punctuation at the right place in a sentence. no need for a space after the last word. I don't know what you mean by combining the two prompts...you have to enter them onto the online app as two separate essays.

no paragraphs?

Nigeria, a country in Africa
going gets tough-colloquialism
tough. [new paragaph] Knowing


true yet not true.


what do you mean by "content enough to do so"?

part about your grandmother pops out of nowhere. paragraphs please?

comments: you mention schooling, your homeland, and family, but you dont focus on one. it's great that your world has affected your dream to be a nurse and ...also to help with democratizing nigeria, but make a more focused thesis.

Undergraduate / Dance has made me who i am..- UC prompt #2 [13]

wording is great. too bad i can't write like this. haha, especially the intro.

about: It was at that moment that my eleven year recreational and competitive dance career had kicked off. [..It was ...that my eleven years of ...career kicked off.]

right after you use career again, repetition? try for another word.

about: I will admit that I did get frustrated at times when I struggled with a technique [comma] but I never gave up because as a dancer, I learned to be disciplined. [at times, I did get frustrated when struggling with a tech...]

about: going on around me, and focus solely on what I was currently doing. [around me/currently sounds funny. I'm not sure if its the tense. about tense, you use past tense almost all the way through. you mention that dancing "was'..is it no longer?

good luck with your app!

EDIT
you mention "dance IS my inspiration," but then you move into past tense..dont know if you wanna mention cheer in the intro.

about mustafa's comments/bolds, some were tense changes

Undergraduate / what makes me a unique individual and how these qualities can benefit the Uni. [3]

first lemme say this is quite long. 1253 words :O
your first sentence is somewhat informal...well, so-and-so said...""... and what exactly do you mean by this quote? do you explain it well later? questions that pop into my mind as i read your first para. seems like your second sentence contradicts the first..it's supposed to be a counterargument right? make it seem more like one.

would've never come...would've sounds weird, its a colloquialism..

I have risen from the limited viewpoint, and gained freedom to view the cultures in many ways through interactions with people of all society. [do you really gain freedom or do you experience it?]

I am a freeman [free man] with various perspectives who has managed to get out from the circle of limited viewpoint, while everyone else is an "apprentice" who needs a help to achieve...[you sound a tad arrogant. just my opinion...i dont like this...b/c EVERYONE, including you, needs to be an apprentice to learn things about other people, even if you are a great person, you had to have learned something somewhere about the people you live with/visit/know...maybe you are saying you're a liberal? an "enlightened one" but still.]

about the rest, there's too much story, even by skimming...

Undergraduate / Making my sentences more colorful/descriptive [3]


Every day when I go to school, I find in my group of friends a diverse world of ethnicities: ...
Walking through the halls of my school, I see the faces of my many friends, people from all different backgrounds and ethnicities...
I'm not sure whether you want flowery language...

Undergraduate / Conncoll supplement - what influences your desire to attend conncoll? [5]

try rewriting with what you have so far. then have people look at a fresh copy.

mention more about why you wanna go to ConColl? other than JUST giving back

Undergraduate / "Choosing classes, the request", two different essays, not sure which one to use [4]

different; to me...experience rather than a pleasing one
soon, dreaded college apps... [LOL . Haven't seen that in a while, but I agree.]

[physics! best class I had...although I got poor scores on the recent SAT2. haha. I don't think you have a solid start with the first essay. the idea is somewhat there but I don't see a stable answer to the prompt...yet.]

With the cape one, there's more opening for symbolism about what this could mean to you...that you could mention as afterthoughts of your efforts.

Good luck! Thanks for reading mine. 4 more days!

Writing Feedback / Today people are using nuclear energy and interested in it! [2]

issue. Moreuse. Then
clean and cheap energy [cheaper* really? didn't know that. I thought uranium is very expensive.]
choose between one consistent tense. most likely past about the historical part and present for your opinion part. Try not to add to much "fluff" about the history though, as the prompt asks for your agreement/disagree and not solely a history summary.

"In fact, it can be used in variety of ways as in industry, household, medicine and so on." REALLY? pray tell. I'm not sure how the therapeutic treatment fits in.

Chernobyl accident was the result of failed tests because of a chain of under-supervised events. but yes I guess this is a risk...
Make sure you end the sentence with a period. Don't leave them hanging like this .

started to discuss about it... What do you mean by the last sentence in that paragraph?

As the world population and energy consumption are increasing, it cannot be enough

Comments: You don't use any statement of facts, just things you say...which the reader hopes is true. You present the info in this manner: Nuclear power is a hot topic. Why use nuclear power? But it's possibly harmful and risky. Alternatives are best. Nevertheless, still need nuclear power.

Try rephrasing and writing more to present a thesis instead of just these separate points.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / BU Supplement Three Words Essay "Questioning. Everything. Always." [8]

I don't think I'll ever stop

I decided to take a break and come back to it later [these words could be taken out or changed for less words
great approach, you incorporate more than just three, but it has a nice ring to it. However, taking out maybe one question statement...and "tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community."

Blackberry is capitalized.
Er. Biomedical Engineer just pops out of nowhere, but I think it's hard for everyone else too, to say what they want to be. I'm not sure, however, if you need to include that. Maybe mention in closing how you will ask questions in college to ____do something____. Ask :p

Undergraduate / Conncoll supplement - what influences your desire to attend conncoll? [5]

Why "Yes, 'give back.' ? I think you can leave that out because you state it quite well elsewhere.
During my years studying...
...never thrive today...[sentence is awkward]
the repetition is ...different. I'm not sure if you really need it because there's a 250 word limit.
you make a strong point though..

Faq, Help / New Innovations in EF Intriguing? [12]

Why thank you Mustafa :] I will make sure to change that whenever I get the chance. That writeup took 2 minutes so yes it was a bit sloppy. hehe

Undergraduate / From Taiwan to the United States -UC Personal Statement #1 - Describe your World [5]

I thought this essay was very nicely written. Although there were some things I want to change, I'm holding back because it flows very nicely..

I didn't move here only for the American dream and freedom, but beyond all these dreams/aspirations/__something about the US , I moved here to reach my ultimate aspiration of helping people and contributing to the world.

I love your writing style. You shows independence and determination.

Mind reading my essay for me ? Thanks

Undergraduate / How one views the challenge -a significant experienece and its importance to you [6]

UC Berkeley is my number 1 choice for public schools too ^^ the competition is on! haha. guess you'll be the last person whose essay i'll edit for now. need to do hw.

prompt 2...hmm

I had never met anyone who hadliterally made my eyes seem so unimportant; in all probability, she was perhaps insinuating that she was equal or better than I was.

[you don't mention this lady yet, and so it's rather odd for a starting sentence]
I wanted to share in her supposed [what do you mean] pain but she certainly did not need the pity. Mrs. Tijani was blind but she definitely did not depict the picture I had of a blind woman.

[present the scenario a bit better and it's a very good start]

I had just completed my penultimate year [what's that? junior year? O_o] in school and I finally had time to take part in community service as I go to a boarding school. [too many strings in one sentence.]

Luckily, my mother's place of work was organizing a fund raiser and needed volunteers and so I cheerfully agreed to take part in this experience. [change/shorten, use only what's necessary] After raising money, the community service program was to end with the 'Walk for Sight' - a ten kilometer walk with the blind to raise awareness. [wow. talk about this earlier please. make it stand out earlier than in the middle.]

It was during this walk that I met probably one of the most awe-inspiring people in my life till date . I started the walk with the hopehoping to giveof giving her [who's her, (O I know Mrs. Tijani, but still...)] hope, but as she narrated her story I ended up getting it [hope?].

"Mrs. Tijani became blind at an early age of two due to ignorance on the part of her parents on the dangers of polio. According to her, she did not realize her lack of sight during her early years; "I would hear people playing around me and would run towards them falling so many times before getting to them; I thought I was alright and falling was pretty normal", she said. At this point,..." [shorten shorten shorten :<]

I thought I should be comforting but as I tried to comfort her she stopped me abruptly; she did not want any of it. "Do not feel an iota of pity for me", she retorted. I was taken aback by her reply. Why did she not want any consoling I asked myself? She must have read my mind as she then said, "I do not want you to feel bad for me; I may be challenged but so is everyone." [main focus, I think...]

She said. "As we go through life we all meet challenges, physical or not. What matters most is how we deal with this challenges; it is when we let them get to us that we are truly challenged." She exclaimed. [what? this popped out of nowhere. note: I said, "...." She said, "...." not I said. "..." etc..] Mrs. Tijani went on giving me shocking examples that proved to me that one is not disabled until one gives in to challenges. She said, "I am happily married with three children; I have a university degree and work. So how am I disabled? I am only challenged." [combine this with the previous statement about everyone is challenged] Those words struck me; they reminded me of my parents' endless counsel on the need for perseverance and determination (a lesson they need not teach anymore) [why the parenthetical statement?]. She inspired me; she made me to realize the pride one earns from determination. [move this to an earlier spot in your essay] As the end of the walk came into view, I realized that she had given me hope and a new perspective to life. [repetition of previous statement I think, use is only once]

From this experience, I learned how life would certainly pose challenges but what is of utmost importance is not the challenge but how one views the challenge. One does not lose to challenges until thebut moment one gives in to it. Success only comes through challenges and confrontations. For only when one gathers the courage to face them does one truly have a shot at satisfaction.

Comments: Good experience, maybe focus more the prompt and make sure you have everything they ask for...some grammar errors that I may not have caught, but overall, it's nicely written.

*mind reading my UC prompt? no one has bothered >_>

Thanks and good luck with you apps!

*At Mustafa, you hinting that someone else wrote his essay or that he's using too complicated words :?

Undergraduate / 'Big colleges' - benefits of a diverse educational community [4]

It is also a final step before entering society.
I felt I had arrived in a new world.
This state is so different from my home country.

"I believe big college can give me more opportunity to meet variety people. Since college is little country for student and I discovered that a big college is perfect for me because I want to have a larger pool of friends." Woah! total difference in tense/wording. big colleges* Since college is a small country for a student, I want to join a larger one so that I can find a larger pool of friends.*

I want to continue meetinginteracting with

OMG VIRGINIA TECH >_> AND KOREA :| -.- |: .-. lol. sorry I couldn't resist

You don't really mention, other than in a few lines, what you see as important in a diverse educational system/community.

note* are you applying through the common app?

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Are you referring to Langston Hughes' poem?
second to third paragraph transition is not existent. Try focusing your essay on a single topic and mention that in your intro. First twothree look like a sob story. Maybe say that you couldn't find something you were successful at until junior high, and thereby you had "dreams deferred"?

hopes, but when

nonsensical! don't make yourself open to attack...don't put yourself in a lowly position where things all fail around you. maybe mention that these events occurred, but if possible, show how they changed you, earlier in your essay

I could have braced myself, deciding to be satisfied if I just cleared once out the sixteen cuts. [what do you mean?] bestow his favor? I'm confused, kissing is not a favor, it's a show of affection or friendliness depending where you are from.

"I love to daydream. It's what drives me and challenges me to do my best." main focus of your essay. mention how this allowed you do work in different areas, to try different things...instead of focusing on your days of moping.

the harder it will fall ,
I had to realized

Yes, I guess you are referring to that poem. If you want, make references to that poem that reflect your situation, that you don't want dreams deferred because they implode and cause people to go crazy, that you want to keep dreaming and achieve if not all, at least some that will still satisfy you.

Undergraduate / Moral to the story? "Wheels and other round things" [3]

what's the essay topic? I'll try reading through to round things up a bit.

why haughtily? HOT!ILY ^^ jk.

old, and
Almost half of my life at this point had been plagued by fruitless attempts to abolish themy rickety training wheels. [fruitless sounds interesting. abolish sounds wierd, but I guess the meaning is accurate enough.]

of person
implorations [is this a word :? haha]
"path of least resistance" is used twice in the same paragraph. I would try not to use the same expression one after another.

option, without
I place myself somewhere in between; taking on challenges when appropriate, but knowing my own limitations. [semi-colon is used incorrectly? it's supposed to split to independent clauses. the second one is dependent]

middle school and approached

"As middle school and approached and passed by, I did finally learn how to ride a bike. The old hatred, however, stayed within me. I would only strap on a helmet and mount a bike when forced, and I was never sorry to get off. In the seven years that have passed, I think I may have ridden a bike only five or six times." Maybe say this earlier. It flows with the rest, but maybe not so much in an admissions essay.

implored [begged you?]
That last paragraph is a hanger. Lots of information but why? If you want to use your current essay, try reformatting, maybe say in the beginning that phrase used by your sister. Then go from there, show how that is true...or place the "moral of the story" at the end..

I'm still confused about the topic, what do you have to write about?

"I think you could bring out your actual thesis a little more rather than focusing on the whole kissbiking thing. I didn't really get what the essay was about very easily" :|

*edit: ok, so the open topic, still I think you need a central theme in your essay other than just your distaste for all things round. Maybe say that this is something important to you , but expand on it...

Good luck with you apps!

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

For majority was, yes it sounds better in some cases, but here in context, I thought majority were fits more...because even if I add, The majority of these people (were/was), grammatically, was is still right. I'm stumped.

I think, just a random thought, that English conjugations have some unsolved mystery.. :]

well, maybe it's because "I were" is used in a past conditional tense (past progressive?), so possibly some old English scholar declared we use some other tense.

Look:
If I were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.
If you were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.
If he/she/it were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.
If we were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.
If you were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.
If they were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.

I'm not sure if these are correct, but they sound familiar and so I think I would fall into a trap of using them.

Gobble gobble :<

*btw, how do you quote other people? I know there's a button on the side, but does that really quote anything?

antimoon.com/forum/2005/6314.htm
*how do you embed a link :|

Faq, Help / New Innovations in EF Intriguing? [12]

Found out about the different layouts... need to open the EssayForum.com picture to see the things on the side..
and logout is through the profile page.-could that button be moved to an easier to find location?
for those who use this site on public places, that would make it easier to log out.

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1: inspiration and reality [2]

sentence 2 from intro is a hanger. its not complete?
small but yet alive
me, opportunities [because you use though, you need to continue the sentence...] this last sentence is rather strung out,. make it more concise.

"At such times, inspiration also stood at a distance waiting for me to not only find it but make good use of it." [I'm confused. what do you mean?]

"meeting the same people but in apparent different faces" what does this mean? masked people?
"In terms of wanting to see the existing and harsh side of the world."[another hanger]
[same with the next sentence. I'm not sure if you're going for a poetic effect or not.]

had gotten adivorced [this sentence doesn't flow too well]
my mother decided [use active voice even if this was a passive event]
TAIWAN IS NOT A PROVINCE >_> I PROTEST >_> lol. no offense taken :|
I occasionally visited This is weird, I copied your essay to Word to test for passive tense. It said only 3% passive sentences.
that resided there .

Portraits of underdevelopment, scarcity, and deficiency painted all around not only terrain but in the faces. < The terrain not only painted portraits of... but it also painted the peoples' faces as such. [consider this change if you like it.]

The rural landscape was covered by nothing but unfertile soil cracked by the lack of water and harsh winds. [why include this sentence? it THIS your world?]

I was aware Taiwan's weather was not the most convenient nor the most pleasant but not once did I imagine to what extent it had affected the population there. [I think you meant "not once had I imagined the extent to which it had..."

Each time I went back to visit my mother as visitor, I was preoccupied with the excitement of returning and overwhelmed with a sense of reluctance. [Why? Explaining would be a better painting of yourself]

Try rereading what you wrote, It will be easier for everyone to read and understand.

fourth paragraph's first line is somewhat informal.

"a daily basis, somehow when ..."
the sentence after this is too strung out.
who, not whom

Comments: You are quite vague about the whole painting theme. do you like to paint? if yes, say so. about family, you mention alot about how the place where your mom lives in Taiwan is poor and cracked and hopeless...what the mood of your essay shows...but that's not true about other places in taiwan...its not all backcountry... :<

about that<, the imagery is interesting, but does it show YOUR world? did you live here enough to see why/how these people live? how did this affect you(yes you sorta answered it, but restructure)

focus on your goals/aspirations...and maybe mention a bit less of your parents' divorce unless it affected you and mention how it did...

Good luck with your app!

Book Reports / symbolism and mood in The Death of a Salesman [3]

i havent looked at those sites, but from what I remember, there were instances where Willy blends his dreamy memories with reality, thereby creating a mood a reminiscence and wishfulness. I also felt sympathetic to the brothers but angry at the father. As for atmosphere, constricted atmosphere, mostly everything happens by their small home, only dreams and off stage references to previous events. also the closing in of the apartment next door.

As for symbolism, there's alot...take anything that they use and you can relate to each person's attitude/personality. some objects for that: pen/apartment/flowers/stockings/etc...

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

Another question that was just as puzzling to me.

Which of the following is better?Learning about and helping clients with their dilemmas, I saw some happily leave and others rush out to call potential employers.

ORLearning about different peoples' dilemmas and helping them find possible jobs, I saw some happily leave and others rush out to call potential employers.
Question I have is about the "learning about and helping clients" part. does this type of writing take away from the meaning present in the second?

Thanks

Faq, Help / New Innovations in EF Intriguing? [12]

is there a way to revive an old forum thread?
this post has faded from disuse, but I would like to comment.

essayforum.com/general-writing-questions-13/logical-fallacies-debate-p ersuasive-writing-6744/

there were several others that I found useful, but they are closed.

another thing, something I just found out today. haha, could someone tell the webmaster a suggestion? to move the forum jump scrollbar at the top of the page?

thanks.

----

Yes, you can reopen that thread (I already did it for you).

EF

Undergraduate / "struggles" central florida. short essay [3]

seems like you just reposted the other thread.
1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2.Why you choose to apply to UCF

Not knowing what to expect,...[what do you mean?]
and military brat :? why this term usage?
never to allow others to dictate my life
ever given
Test scores...[this should be a new paragraph.]

grade/location/

"Everything depends on whether or not I get into UCF." putting your life in the admin officers' hands. I'm not sure if you should add that.

I figured, ...[sounds informal]

your university

Try splitting your essay into pieces that flow more.
Try to answer the prompt in a more defined way, instead of avoiding the bump, tell why

Undergraduate / "a drunken stupor" - Stanford - intellectually engaging [4]

really? I thought Mindstorm robots moved rather nicely.

interesting topic, for me at least. use another word instead of disagreements. I don't see really what you "disagree" on, maybe other than their uncontrollable-ness. Maybe since you want to mention more about why you figured the robot messed up, a more intellectual analysis of the issue. maybe mention how even computerized robots made mistakes and need better control's.

I'm assuming you used a R/C car? or was it something else?

Undergraduate / My father, mother - UC Prompt #1 do you guys think its too much about the story? [5]

It's better, but since you are talking about a future job, a future career in medicine, use a future tense that flows more. second to last para is still a bit stretched. can you make it more concise?

can you look over my uc app essay? thx

Undergraduate / My father, mother - UC Prompt #1 do you guys think its too much about the story? [5]

most of your essay is well polished already.

just a few snippets here and there.
first sentence/phrase is important. are you sure you want to use what you have now? it looks rather negative...

In order to be successful, I believe that I must graduate from one of the Universities of California with good grades which will enable me to obtain a well paying job. <This sounds like a rather forced notion of success. While supporting your family is one of your main goals, maybe include that you want to enjoy doing your work? that you will try to find an area of work where you won't have to worry about money matters.

She gave me reason to strive...
When that day comes, I will...<this sentence sounds rather negative too, even though it's supposed to sound positive... becoming what your father wished you to be is not very liberalist American, it's not, I think, what colleges are searching for in a student. maybe say, I can prove to my mother that I can be better than what my father wished me to be...

Last sentence: maybe use that^ . move your current one to the beginning somewhere.. will be better there.

Undergraduate / 'Korea volunteering work' - UC accomplishment meaningful to me. [4]

CAPS FTW!!!!! lolz.

In your intro, try presenting a more positive statement. try not to have half of it as being a passive giver. shorten that and focus on your strength- as a happy one. that while you did not see the importance of volunteering and sharing, you overcame this attitude and became an active individual in your community +world. looks like you were even a leader. emphasize that instead.

About the event, you do a good job presenting why that was important/meaningful,

Undergraduate / UC prompt 2 a round of golf [8]

no bumping is allowed. i believe we're all getting desperate. about your essay, intro is split in two halves, as theres little transition between the "story" attempt and your 8th grade golfing. that intro, as a whole, sounds rather interesting, but unhopeful, in that you cant defeat him...show more about responding to the prompt in the entire essay.

second para. why bother about golf terms and games. sorry i dont play golf. it doesnt give more about yourself.

what is murphy's law? failed at my attempt sounds horrible in that it's rather depressing, and you're talking about golf..the one thing you choose to represent yourself to the UCs. I hope thats not the truth..hope this is true: that you really enjoy golf, that it has shaped you somehow...i dont see how this is making you proud. a game of golf, okay you can talk about it, but pressing a mental reset button? interesting but i wish we had that in real life. haha.

make your last sentence more integrated into your essay. its a tad disconnected. ok, so you beat your dad because you focused not on your shortcomings but on your game.. good idea, maybe mention that earlier and less of the negativity.

sorry if this looks flamed.. im a bit annoyed right now. but i see what you mean. thx.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt; Repressed Memoir of My Past [24]

rather than taking it out...and posting really helpful info, why not edit another person's essay?
"I wish to play a role in which I can reconstruct torn wishes and lives, just like what he [who's he] had done to mine." about this, if he means psychologist, then say so.. if its about the offender, then say so.. this does add to the essay, just needs to flow more.

about the rule thing, no you didn't break a rule, at least even I can't see it anymore.

**edit

ok, so the other sentence...well I think she wanted to show that she wanted to help others get over trauma by becoming a psychologist. it shows her goals/dream

lets edit: I want to become a psychologist because I am so proud of my observant personality andto listening to other people's stories. and acting like a therapist to those around me was never classified as a chore, but more like a gift. [editing the last part. 'I never classified acting a therapist to those around me a chore; I considered it a gift.' ]

Undergraduate / I am about the farthest thing from the stereotypical New Yorker - Breaking Stereotypes [7]

not to break your bubble, but there are other non-stereotypical people. I hope you weren't stereotyping others as stereotypical when you wrote this. something I noticed, you said that you grew up away from relatives, but then later you say that they constantly encourage you. I got confused.

vague on how your world of Webster has shaped you. elaborate on how your world is, not just how you don't fit in with the world and are a unique person. talk about one aspect of your world, family, community or school, and go from there.

Faq, Help / Turnitin website - originality report [15]

EF and TurnItIn, plagarism of your own work?

Just another question that popped up. Does anyone know if TurnItIn includes sites such as these in its plagiarism searches.

Undergraduate / UC prompt number 1: The world I come from and how it shapes my dreams/aspiration [3]

Your first line is interesting, but then you include info about Katrina and operating rooms. maybe take out the first dependent clause: "Although we live in a world of terror and disaster." another thing, maybe change it to help humanity in times of need/disaster. OR, move that part to the end of the sentence, as a because we live in a world...

volunteering religiously, interesting combination, how medicine is mainly atheistic towards life. just a comment. visceral, why not use intuitive?

Question. are you located anywhere near these two events(towers,N. Orleans)
Beginning to take note of my world on 9/11, ... about those words, if you want to use them, try repositioning that in the intro, would fit better.

Although I spent many hours at my school's drive packing clothing and supplies to ship to Katrina's victims, I knew with certainty that I belonged to medicine when I watched the rescue teams provide medical services further assured me that I belong in medicine . <medicine sounds odd, but it works. keep it, maybe. :<

perhaps more, sounds a tad negative. this paragraph is a split, it contains info on previous hours doing work in America, and then many in Israel. try making that clearer, then you can keep them in a paragraph.

Comments: Overall, topic is strong, shows willingness/drive to persue medicine
you should talk more about describing your world..you do, but it's not one of the three they have as choices. maybe say that the world is your community, that disasters and international strife have led you towards helping those needing medical aid.

Site with good information: californiacolleges.edu/admissions/university-of-california-uc/personal-statement.asp

Good luck with your app!

Undergraduate / MY BROTHER - Common app essay - person with a significant influence on you [3]

I'm confused why you have that sentence for the intro to your essay. use something along the liens of > "Accepting that my brother was gay was not a problem for me. He was and always would be my brother whom I loved. " <this should be the main focus of your essay, try restructuring the other info around it.

On my fourteenth birthday, Isaac wanted to take me to Target so that I could pick out my present that he was going get for me. I picked out a few movies that I had wanted for a while. We went to the checkout lane with our purchases, where my brother proceeded to take out his credit card and hand it to the cashier. At this time he also took a picture out of his wallet, looked at me and said, "Look Lacey!!! Isn't my boyfriend cute??!!"

<instead of that, maybe:As my brother and I went through the Target checkout to purchase a gift for my fourteenth birthday, he took a picture out of his wallet and said, "Look Lacey! Isn't my boyfriend cute?!" I thought about this incident for the next few days. He had never really had a girlfriend come toover at the house, but I knew that he had gone to prom both his junior and senior year. What did this all mean?Just one example. this could be your intro. maybe...

Your last paragraphs are strong, shows how he affected you. try expanding on what he does, some event maybe where you saw him stand up for himself and how you reacted.

Good luck with your app!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt; Repressed Memoir of My Past [24]

I believe she did not make an interesting enough title.
It is different now. I'm wondering how that essay turned out.
1 week left til deadlines. Good luck

Faq, Help / New Innovations in EF Intriguing? [12]

Okay, thanks for the tip. The link did work.

So instead of making this a meaningless post, here's my message:
Hi, my name is Jonathan. I'm currently a senior in high school, applying to those colleges and all. While my main interest is math and science, I've picked up quite a bit of English writing experience from school and peer editing. As a child, I was told that writing was important, but I didn't enjoy it. I can't see why I thought that back then. Maybe my teachers' insistence on 5paragraph essays. Anyways, I hope I can help others be better, more creative writers through constructive exchanges of information.

haha. feel free to critique it ^^

!! found a great link embedded in the threads from last year.

californiacolleges.edu/admissions/university-of-california-uc/personal-statement.asp

has lots of good information.

Undergraduate / personal essay. uc. a move changed everything or almost. [15]

FINALLY. after much thought and reconsideration, a new version.-ish hehe
I tried keeping most of it. And I noticed they want "tell"ing, not showing @emily foong
Comments please. any new advice, or old ones that I didn't catch.