Undergraduate / My roots in Algeria - Barrett Honors College application essay [4]

Your essay didn't tell me what makes YOU diverse - aside from your Algerian background. The only distinctive "life experience" was the daily hardship, the optimistic and positive attitudes you experienced on your trip (and your grandmother's good mood.)

I am sure you could write more about the village you visited, your Algerian relatives and your rich cultural traditions. Finally, don't forget to reflect on and give specific examples of how you will contribute a unique perspective to the community.

Graduate / 'I extremely strive to pursue Masters in Financial Mathematics' [11]

Have you already sent in your essay? I just saw that you had no moderator feedback in my Checker program.
The prompt asks for a SHORT biographical statement. You only get to that as of the second paragraph - I don't think you need the first one. I don't think you should mention your uni courses (it is in your transcript. You should specify what was invaluable in your first job at the Marriot.


You don't need to detail the number of interviews for your first job. It is more relevant to talk about what you achieved there i.e. what you succeeded to do in your job


ditto - what pivot point?


You mention your job qualifications and courses (?) you had to pass? But you need to include something on why this particular program interests you (prompt 2.) Also, I don't know what the admissions requirements are but since the prompt asks, you should answer how you fulfill them.

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins University-Why I Chose Math and Public Health [4]

Kevin gave you very insightful feedback. Did you incorporate it? Let's see the end result.

Undergraduate / Marist Supplement- why is marist 4 u? [4]

Still pretty generic. This could have been written by anyone. Why YOU, Naveena?

Faq, Help / How do I ask a moderator to read and edit my essay? [11]

Sourav90 and rikacollege91,
I think you misunderstood the title of this thread - and thought that moderators would read your posts. To get their comments, you will need to start a new thread.

In any case, I glanced over your essays and here is my feedback:
Sourav90 - your essay is very much "motherhood" i.e. you praise the school and write correctly. But I am not sure if this is compelling enough or distinguishes you as someone OSU cannot turn away (a have-to-admit.) Add more specifics about what convinced (you) that OSU with it's vast resources and research facilities in the field of finance and an excellent faculty

rika - the meat of your essay is in paragraph 3. You can skip the preface and get into the specifics of what you wanted to do in the uni's

Student Talk / Anyone who has had a Harvard interview has some suggestions/pointers? Yale. [15]

Is this at the school or an alum in your town?
If it is the latter, you might want to ask if the person is interested to read one of your essays as well as get your background c.v. in advance. That will help save time and focus the interview. (If it is at the school, they already have all of this in your app.)

Writing Feedback / THE PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS, BLAME, AND SELF-ACCEPTANCE [3]

Your first sentence does not really link to your central theme or the second sentence.

What are you trying to say here? That it wasn't because of peer pressure that you smoked? "No one can pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, if they use force that's something completely different. That wasn't the case for me though. "

If not and other than for "fun," you don't mention what made you smoke and why you liked it: "No one ever tried to pressure me into smoking, but it seemed like they were having fun, so why shouldn't I. "

I think you can tighten up your writing by eliminating the casual reference to the reader (in red). I was also confused by references to your Great Neck friends vs. school friends as some (eg. your best friend) are also in your school (bolded).

When I was thirteen I started smoking Marijuana, or as it's more popular name, Weed. I was in Eighth grade living in Port Washington, and none of my friends at school smoked. I used to split my weekend between two groups of friends. I would hang out with my friendsone from school (MY GRADE?) Friday night and my another friends from Great Neck on Saturday, or vice versa. My friends from Great Neck WHO were freshman in High School. One of them was my best friend. I've known him all my life, and he always made a point to introduce me to his friends as much as possible, so that I would feel TO MAKE ME comfortable when we all hung out. Once Weed was introduced to him it wasn't long until it became a friend of mine as well. I'll tell you right now, peer pressure is bullshit. No one can pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, if they use force that's something completely different. That wasn't the case for me though. No one ever tried to pressure me into smoking, but it seemed like they were having fun, so why shouldn't I. It wasn't long till it became a regular habit for me and I was smoking every weekend. I never smoked during the school week. I was always scared I'd get caught. I know only on the weekends doesn't sound like a lot these days considering people smoke multiple times everyday, but I assure you, it was enough to change my entire personality.

It would strengthen the essay greatly if you could add an extra sentence at the end of the third paragraph about what made you stop. Was it something your Dad said? Something seemed to click in your mind when you "told them everything."


Not sure this is the reason you quit... It also appears from your last sentences, that your best friend also quit. Did that influence you?

Undergraduate / How to write statement of purpose?- University of Texas transfer essay A [3]

A statement of purpose is (as the prompt says) an opportunity to address the admission committee directly to let (them) know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey. It's like you are allowed to present yourself (in essay form) on paper instead of face-to-face in an interview.

Your four points of why you want to transfer to UT are strong. What would help is to give background on why Audiology, why math and science, touch upon your passions and finally include some specific classes your want to take or profs that impress you, that you would want to learn from (this means do more research on UT.)

Poetry / stair case to no where....5 senses [3]


I get that you cover the 5 senses with what precedes the last two lines. But it leaves me lost:
-Did you mean a loud CROW (black bird)?
-Who can't think or move on? The crow?
-All the staircase does not make sense: "the staircase leads no where" would be more correct.
But then this also is inconclusive (leads no where...)

Undergraduate / IUPUI: Personal letter about goals and values- Feedback [3]

The essay is like a donut that is missing the filling. What happened in highschool to lead you to define your values and beliefs? Some corrections adn suggestions made below:



when I left behind that follower attitude I had adopted.
You should express what happened in your first job that made you drop this attitude.




The last paragraphs can be strengthened with specifics (as opposed to self laudatory statements) especially about how you will "take advantage of all the resources that IUPUI has to offer"

Undergraduate / Teaching, advising, and mentoring - Smith Supplement to meet my academic goals [6]

It's a very plain vanilla essay. If you want to give it more "bite" to make YOU stand out, it will need more specifics and energy. I tried to rearrange of your sentences to improve coherence and focus. Comments and corrections made in CAPS:

Undergraduate / "to become acquainted with you as a person and student" - Personal Essay [3]

oops, Sheila (or is it Miranda?) Forgot to correct this


should be "make a difference TO CHILDREN'S LIVES" or to the lives of children...
Maybe easier to just end it after "make a difference."

Graduate / Leading: "your greatest talents and/or abilities" Applying for an MBA [3]


I think you mean being responsible(or accountable) for my mistakes...


The aforementioned are generic qualities of most students vying for an MBA. What distinguishes your form them? You might want to consider including a unique personal talent beyond being a good team leader for group studies.

Undergraduate / becoming a thriving businessman - Emory Supplement Short Answer [9]

Great advice, Simrath. (Please keep reminding all of us as often as you can!!)

Writing Feedback / the effects of stress (cause and effect paper) [11]

I like this topic. Are you writing this for a psych class? Since you mention "cause and effect," I would start by establishing some understanding about both (what causes stress and its effects.) Are you asked for a personal opinion or mainly citing academic research?

Once you have defined both, you will need to make an outline of your "thesis" concluding your findings on the effects of stress. Then a wrap up conclusion is appropriate.

That's all you have to do.

Undergraduate / a psychology major, passion for learning: Common App transfer essay [4]


Something is not right here - how did your parents and lack of experience accelerate the deadlines?


I reread this several times until I found what kept me stumbling in your intro paragraph. If there are no trees, why are there "constant meteor showers comprised of tree trunks?" Did you mean the trunks of dead trees (I guess so as it is in the Sahara, right?) Conflicting imagery to me.



The third and fourth paragraphs don't fit with the first two. The maserati final upgrade analogy is cool but out of place. Up to now, the reader still in a desert with plummeting tree trunks. Maybe consider introducing this point upfront in beginning paragraph when you mention a car "In my road, a new car represents the accomplishment of a goal."


This comes out of the blue (like another meteor/tree trunk.) If this is of importance to expressing your values, it would help to clarify what you mean by "message of abstinence."

Undergraduate / My journey towards success - This is for my common application [6]




This comes out of nowhere - the extent of "what does not kill" has not been eluded to earlier

Undergraduate / Common Application- Favorite Activity (I participated in Green Team) [8]


You were taking shorter than 15 mins showers - I'm not sure you want to give the impression that even shorter showers constitutes a significant contribution.

A more meaningful concluding sentence (than joining an organization) would help...

Undergraduate / "to become an extraordinary teacher",common application-extracurricular activity [8]


It is more inspiring/convincing that being an extraordinary teacher ...etc. is your dream/aspiration than your realization (at the end of the experience of your essay.)

Undergraduate / 'Going through surgery' - EXPERIENCE THAT HAS AFFECTED YOUR GOALS---SU [5]


I can be successful in everything I put my mind to.


if I had not gone through it OR without it

Scholarship / career as a Pharmacist, scholarship Essay [8]


The senior citizen in your example was not demonstrably sick, just old and perhaps overfed/overweight. Do you have another moving experience with a sick person?


You can also mention willingness to work (and earn your keep.) Colleges now give more work/study opportunities.


Sorry to be harsh here but this is not a strong sell. What do you mean "achieve something more than yourself" and "chase to a medical profession closer" - that appears self-meaningful. You also did not write about "what would it mean to you if you received it" - in the prompt."

Undergraduate / The apocalypse, or judgment day - Help For essay sample Northwest University [9]


Based on what you said earlier (on honoring your ancestors,) you can develop your thesis statement to be about preserving the human race and the planet (i.e. nature.) Talk about how you see your self doing this - spend more time on this than doomsday or armageddon. Tie that into what you want to study and why NW.

Undergraduate / "ready to return to my learning state of mind" - SCAD STATEMENT OF PURPOSE [5]



No need to undersell yourself!!!

Undergraduate / APPAREL INDUSTRIAL ENGINEER [3]

Are you planning to apply to work in a different sector? Which one? Specifically, what other manufacturers are reluctant to hire apparel industrial engineers? Is this what you mean by "recognized?"

This could be attributed to industrial production downturn due to the ongoing global recession. Very few industries are hiring, more reducing their work force and cutting costs. Unless you are in an emerging and growing economy (China, Brazil, India, Russia?)

Undergraduate / "So what do you plan on doing now?" -Common Application Transfer Essay [10]

Your writing is poignant and engaging. It would be riveting to learn how you see yourself fitting in to the US as a Muslim.
Some mention of your desired field of study and why this college would be great. And of course, how does this transfer lead you to fulfilling your future objectives and aspirations.

Undergraduate / University of Toronto, Commerce Supplementary Essay [7]

You are applying to the Rotman commerce school, so some business relevance would be appropriate.
Specify what positive change, what ideals you want to make happen at UoT:


Any particular facet/application of business?Any aspect of the curriculum you find most appealing?

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay About My Grandmother - Feedback [2]

Your title of a narrative essay is very broad. What else do you want to communicate besides general narration about your grandmother? I am not sure what "on topic" means (in response to your question "I want to know if stayed in the topic or what." There were times it felt as if you were ramling.

Can I make a suggestion? Select the main idea from each paragraph and see what thesis statement (important conclusion) emerges. What is the memorable "big idea" you want to leave the reader with? There should be a main one and maximum (the magic) three supportive ideas. Finally, there are still many typos. Please be sure you correctly spell the words for what you want them to mean and not how they sound (like ants instead of aunts.)

Writing Feedback / Narrative essay about an experience that has changed the way I lean [3]

You are "on-course" writing about how you learnt to deal with stress. But your recap of the prompt says to write about how an experience CHANGED the way you LEARN. The key words are CHANGED and THE WAY YOU LEARN. That to me means some before and after narrative as well as recognition of a better process of learning. What do you think? Also, I stumbled on these parts:


This gives the impression that you were going to be carsick (and throw up.)



The section on your mom seems lengthy and "off course." And I was not sure if it was the embarrassment she caused or embarrassment from your own behavior that led you to realize how the situation could have been better dealt with.

Undergraduate / Columbia Transfer essay, a sense of who you are (international student) [7]

Ohhhh - I get it!! Your theme of walls...the powerful imagery of the Great Wall (of China) came to mind upon re-reading your essay (oh - and there was the Berlin wall too.) Some questions, suggestions, corrections (in RED):


Why repeat "every single"? I would get rid of every single one of them (absolutes are a NONO.)


Instead of "ridiculous" (a weak adverb) how about "self-defeating as each time it puts me back over the all ... or makes my walls go back up?. Can you come up with


Isn't this sentence a half non-sequitur? Be careful of conflicting or double negatives. Using your own prejudiced standard would NOT penetrate your own prejudice. It would only obstruct you from seeing objectively. So either you go with one or the other: using your own (unobjective or biased) standards would obstruct you from seeing objectively; or we should view others using objective unbiased standards. Keep it simple!!

Graduate / SOP Corporate law LLM -India [6]

In addition to why a master's corporate law, you also need to convince the AO of why the UK. Do you already practice law in India? Wouldn't you also need a local Indian law degree?

In short, as per your request, 2-3 lines or give some example so that i get an idea of the SOP:
1) Short introduction of yourself, your background and qualifications, why corporate law and why the UK and this particular institution
2) Follow up paragraphs to develop each point with info that highlights why you should be admitted to XYZ lawschool.
3) Conclude with a recap of the most compelling convincing arguements of your purpose for the LLM in the reader's school.

Graduate / SOP Corporate law LLM -India [6]

Have a look at this example:
https://essayforum.com/graduate-admission-essays-4/want-pursue-mast ers-telecommunication-uk-14875/#msg69859

Undergraduate / an aspiring student, Why are you considering Stony Brook University? [4]

Hi Fatima, Your starting line has great potential. You now need to find out what amongst ALL Stony Brook's benefits are the most important for you to succeed in life. This will require you to find out more about the school's various departments and course offerings. You also may have to do some soul-searching into what you want to do (and it's OK if you can't decide or don't really know YET, that's why you want to go to university - to find out, duhh.)


For some reason, I cannot get the PREVIEW option to work, so apologize if this came out garbled.

Undergraduate / "I am never go to abroad!" This sentence is what a Japanese friend called Taro in my club said [6]


Besides this, what did YOU (not we) do for the club? The prompt asked for you to elaborate on your "activities." You wrote more about what you learned from the club. Sorry, but this is for Cornell so you will have to make it more impressive.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree? a jury has access to the defendant's past record [5]

These mistakes should be cleaned up:



or BE BETTER INFORMED TO JUDGE



OTHER THAN THE PART I HIGHLIGHTED IN RED, THE REST OF THE PARAGRAPH IS CONFUSING


"ANY" IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE WORD -WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Undergraduate / "fear for challenge" - Brown University Transfer Essay [13]

The first half of the essay does not seem connected to the second half. First, it was about your father's change and acceptance of your going to school in the US, then all of a sudden, in the last paragraph (single sentences don't count) it was about a different subject leaving me totally confused.


You need to focus more on this part - the prompt asks why are you transferring. These very general statemtns (what are your lifelong aspirations, what limits became apparent, what was the fact of insufficient resources?)


Is the retirement of your beloved adviser the reason you are transferring? You write as if the school is discontinuing the African development department?


I am totally LOST!! Where is this coming from? Is it the same essay?
What divestment claims? what nasty realities, what endangered space for open dialogue.
The same goes for the rest of the sentences - they don't fit in, you haven't prepared the reader at all for the context (are you switching back to your father's job in China or are you referring to the college situation compelling you to transfer ?

Graduate / SOP Corporate law LLM -India [6]


Does this mean that you do not have any examples of how a corporate lawyer can contribute to society? What do you want to do as a corp lawyer? help defend the poor against the rich? help defend nonprofit orgs that help the poor defend against corporates? or help corporates defend against other corporates?

It seems that you do not know your destination. First, define where you want to be in the spectrum of corporate law. (If you don't know, google.) Then, you will have to come up with why you need to go to the UK.

Undergraduate / My Mom: Someone with an influence on your life - Common Applicatiton Essay [7]


It would be nice to read examples of each of these formative experiences eg. can you recap the most difficult time in you life when she helped you make a transformative decision or get through a major obstacle or insurmountable difficulty?

Mothers are there to do


How did she do this besides advice and peptalk?

Undergraduate / A pharmacologist - "Describing aspirations" Essay [8]


HOW DOES REWORDING WORK FOR YOU?

Undergraduate / Man Ponders Himself - Transfer admission Essay [6]

I would shorten the Izzy third paragraph (which pretty much dominates your essay) and work on developing your last paragraph or close. Why does a good paying job with a promising future not fill your void? What motivates you (other than curiosity) to study neurobiology? Corrections in RED:

Undergraduate / Oberlin Supplement: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... [6]


inquire doesn't seem right - did you mean ACQUIRE the sun? I agree with Naveen that you should tie in Oberlin to the sun i.e. a place out of the storm and rain. (you could also dance in the sun...)