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Posts by lowcal
Joined: Dec 20, 2009
Last Post: Jan 17, 2010
Threads: 12
Posts: 27  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 39
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lowcal   
Jan 17, 2010
Scholarship / Lowe's: Converint to Ecofriendlyism [2]

At Lowe's, we believe that helping to build our communities is just as important as helping our customers build their homes. How have you helped to build your community? What lasting improvements have you made that you are proud of?

"Yuckkk!" I could not believe that I talked myself into spending my Saturday picking up filthy trash. At the moment, I held a broken beer bottle covered with snot scattered atop. As much as I wanted to, by dropping the dirty content on the earth floor would only contradict my intentions for volunteering for the service event. Holding on my breath for dear life, I quickly dumped the object into the soot black trash bag where other foul contents laid.

People consider me obsessive-compulsive. On a scale of one to ten, I rate myself a nine as a meticulous individual. When it comes to cleanliness, I might win an award for being the most annoying and overly tidy individual in the universe. One could imagine my expression as I laid eyes upon the trash scattered everywhere in only one neighborhood. Not to be a stereotyped as Hollywood's character of a valley girl, I honestly was not too energized in picking germs and muck. However, I made a pledge to myself to keep the promise that I had made only a few years ago.

The majority of family members on my father's side live in a rural area. Their houses are made out of mud. They live on no electricity. People must walk across and upon cow manure scattered across the ragged roads on a daily basis. Their neighborhood has no system of collecting trash or even recycling reusable materials. On my winter break visit to the heartland of Bangladesh, I witnessed all of this. The fact that my family had to live in these conditions breaks my heart. I want to help them. I want them to live in a better setting. However, because I am one person, I cannot fix everything for them. But, because I am one person, I can try to make an effort to improve polluted places one step at a time.

Even though I do not live in Bangladesh, I prolong my journey towards improving today's environment right here in the good, old U.S.A. While I pick up trash in one neighborhood, I succeed in bettering the environment. I help others who I know not of live in a cleaner society. I am proud to be a part of this movement, this movement towards bettering the world one step at a time.
lowcal   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Describe your short and long-term goals (working as a cardiologist). Related? [3]

Her doctor that part of her heart is swollen and any tension or constant thinking or anything could trigger her to die.

i think that you're missing a word in this section

I aspire to take care and better the wellbeing of people as many people with heart diseases as much as I can. I plan to major in nursing first and earn my Bachelors.

i could be wrong, but I believe that "nursing" should be capitalized since it's a profession.
lowcal   
Jan 10, 2010
Scholarship / Leaders are made, not born - leadership experience essay [2]

Discuss a leadership experience you have had in any area of your life - school, work, athletics, family, church, community, etc. How and why did you become a leader in this area? How did this experience influence your goals?

Usually in a typical sibling scenario, the oldest one tends to be the role model, the boss, or even the leader. In my case, I had to switch roles with my older brother. About four years, my brother had been hit by a car. Following the accident, he had severe brain injuries and fell into a coma for about two weeks. Thankfully, he managed to make it through the storm and face the real world again. However, his life perspective altered. It was difficult for him to stand upright for at least a minute. His speech had been somewhat impaired. Most heartbreaking of all, he forgot many of his life memories that he shared with my family and I for many cherishing year

Although I was not captain of the track team or the president of the debate team, I was the leader towards guiding my brother back to hopefully leading a normal life. Many days I had to sacrifice my plans with friends to take care of him. I read him stories that he used to indulge himself in to about 2:00 o'clock in the morning. I attempted to revive his speech by repeating sentences to him when we conversed. As a soccer player, I try to maintain my body in good shape. I stretch out my muscles everyday to increase my stamina and flexibility. With the help of my workout regimen, I weaved my routines into my brother's physical therapy not only to enhance his physical abilities but also to succor him in acquiring strength needed for him to mobilize independently. While I tried to the best of my ability in aiding my brother to live a stable lifestyle, I also grew into a mature and more independent individual through the period.

I learned that sometimes despite how people strive to gear towards independence, they need somewhat of guidance in some point of their lives. Vince Lombardi once said: "Leaders are made, not born." The moment I decided to care for my brother, I stepped in the role of a leader. As I set aside my parts of my life to take care and better the circumstances of another human being. I maintained the mindset to proceed with altruistic acts rather than selfish ones. I strived to help my brother to once again gain the strength and courage to stand on his own two feet again. Till this day, I reflect upon each day that I spent with him during his critical conditions. While he was in pain, I was in pain also. Sometimes it was distressing from for me to face someone who I called brother, protector, and friend in physical ache. But through my moments of grief, I grew into a stronger person. My goal was to help him reach where we both wanted him to be. Our moment of grieving had past. It was now time to move forward. It was time to move forward to a better life.

My moments during his difficult time drove me to care for others who battled life's troubles every day. Whether troubles may be physical, mental, or even emotion, I aspired to take on the task to helping others arrive to a better setting. Accordingly, my experience with my brother has further pushed me to reach my goal in becoming a doctor. I long to let others depend on me to aid in battling their hardships and try my best to help them survive. I want to remind people that despite life's hardships, they have the ability to conquer it. With pain comes strength. With strength comes courage. With courage comes victory. Although my journey towards helping my brother has successfully ended, I would like find a new route where it requires such humanitarian efforts.
lowcal   
Jan 10, 2010
Scholarship / Racism, Injustice (others were treated unfairly) [4]

it's good that you grasped a situation that you want to talk about. make sure that you work on your syntax, vary in using long and short sentences.

He fled out of my his when he

also, did you mean office over here?

My mother and me [or My mother and I] speed walked our way across the parking lot until we are panting as we walk inside the store.

hoped i helped, good luck!
lowcal   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Impossible Is Nothing- Adidas [7]

you're syntax and writing style is well written. however, you're sentences seem quite jumbled up. try mentioning one of the courses that you will take at the Program and how that will help you in your future aspiration in with in Foreign Relations. Also, maybe weave in what you would give to the program as well.
lowcal   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Branching Out my Roots (My short and long-term goals) [3]

Discuss your short and long-term goals. Are some of them related? Which are priorities?

Its floors are not squeaky clean. About three people, to say the least, either yell or cry in it on a daily basis. To end on a lighter note, it's hardly a place where anyone can label as boring. This chaotic atmosphere defines none other than the typical hospital setting. As intimidating as it may seem, I'm a willing and hoping to mesh into this world in the near future.

My passion lies in helping others in need. I always love to listen and learn about what people have to say. Most importantly, I aspire to take care and better the healths of as many people as I can. After earning a major in either Chemistry or Biology B.S., I plan on applying to medical school in hopes of becoming a doctor specializing in Pediatric Care.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience." Much to that of Shaw's ideal, I apply my life experiences to my future goal. After hearing stories of my Dad's hardship of poor conditions during his childhood years and even witnessing unfortunate children on a winter break trip to Cambodia, I cannot divest away my memories as if they are not important. Thus, as soon as a gain adequate experience in working at a local or even city hospital for a few years, I hope to broaden my horizons towards helping sick children in third world countries.

As for now, I plan to graduate from high school under the Summa Cum Laude title and attend a university that will fit my needs. Due to the previous situations of my Dad being laid off only a few months ago, it will be difficult for me to afford a prestigious university. As a result, I am trying my best in accumulating as my scholarships that I can earn in order to ease the financial burden not only on my parents but also on myself. Once I accomplish my short term goals, I believe that they will be a motivation towards reaching my long term ones. With my hard work and achievements, I strive to make the most of my life and that of others as well.
lowcal   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "You are perfect just the way you are" - Villanova lesson i have learned [8]

the beginning of your essay is very catchy, which is good. You might want to expand more on your conclusion like the previous comments says. Ask yourself questions like Who, What, Where, When, How, and Why. Also the prompt asks what will you share. that's the main idea. emphasize on that part a bit more. but overall, you're essay seems quite effective.
lowcal   
Jan 4, 2010
Scholarship / Out of the Crowd [4]

I sat alone. No one in the room dared to acknowledge or even laid eyes on me. Many students tried to find where they would not have sit in close proximity of me. Those who did have the courage to sit near me still tried to keep a distance. I tried to conceal my true feelings by listening attentively to the teacher's lecture. However, I could not completely isolate from my surroundings. A boy who arrived late to class noticed me sitting at the back row of the classroom. He held his stare for what seemed like two minutes but felt more like two hours. He quickly turned away. Although I knew why people gazed at me they way they did, I wished they would not. Moving to a new high school for my senior year was not in my life agenda. Although I have accepted the move, I continued to feel like a pariah every step I took in the school. By people judging me merely because I wore the Muslim headscarf did not make things less stringent.

With more than thirty minutes left of class, Dr. Atchley assigned a lab involving the process of amylase. My heart pounded fiercely. Beads of sweat dampened atop the palms of my hands. To add to my anxiety, I overheard a girl whisper to her friend, "No way, I don't want to work with the girl in the scarf."

Eventually, a slim and brunette girl approached me nicely and asked if I would work with her and her friend in the lab. Trying to cover my unease, I kindly said yes. At that moment, my muscles began to relax. I could feel the butterfly feeling escape from inside of the pit of my stomach. Soon, I came to terms with my situation and learned to deal with it.

I had moved three times to three different cities throughout my high school career. Transferring schools so many times had helped me grow accustomed to the pain that inevitably follows moving. Gradually, I learned how to cope with difficult situations and now I had the capability to handle others like them.

To add to the change in my life setting, I recently began to wear the headscarf. After overhearing the girl's comment from that day, during that time I did not know how to react. Then, I felt inferior and unimportant. After reflecting upon that period of my life, I remind myself why I had chosen to even wear the garment at all.

I am brought up among a family where religion surmounts our values. I consider religion as a piece of the puzzle to my life. Without religion, I believe that I would be lost and overwhelmed. I am a Muslim and I am not apprehensive of letting others know that. The philosophy behind the headscarf is that if a woman wears one, men, and other people included, will accept a woman for who she is and not for how she looks. I will admit that I did struggle against society's pressures of trying to appear as the All-American beauty. My life altering choice however has succored me to become a more confident and independent individual.

It is not a surprise that media can influence the way people think. With the current international attacks from Muslims themselves, many people are led to believe news reports that accentuate that the Muslims are dangerous. Sadly, many Muslims today are targets of strict airport security checks and even racism. I can only guess that the way in which many people react towards me is due to not only to the deadly attacks by individuals who follow my religion but also to the approach in which media portrays Muslims. However, I learn to cope with the circumstances. Just like I had learned to cope with the pain from moving to various places, I use that strength for enduing the pain from society's outlook of me. With a population of 308 million and growing people, the world flourishes with different kinds of inhabitants. Meshed in the population are a diverse set of personality traits and beliefs. However, whether people are short, tall, fat, skinny, blonde, brunette, Christian, Jewish or even Muslim, they all have one thing in common: they are all humans. Among the population, I belong in that group. I am a merely another diversity among the vast populace.
lowcal   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Georgia Tech - "My love for the game" [3]

this is a really good essay, it really does reflect your passion in basketball. Maybe try to accentuate more on what you gave to basketball.
lowcal   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Why I Really Must go!- Tufts [6]

I sounds really good!

Just as a suggestions, Because I desire a school of such limitless potential, Tufts is the only place for me.

starting a sentence with because may appear kind of sketchy and informal to the college admissions office. But other than that, fabulous response!
lowcal   
Dec 30, 2009
Scholarship / Defeating the Silent Killer [NEW]

Applicants must submit a personal statement that provides information about their community involvement, career goals and desire to contribute to their community. Information about unique, personal or financial circumstances may be added.

(1000 words max)

Click. The camera flashed about its tenth photo. I examined the long line of people. Standing in front of me was mixture short, tall, robust, thin, blonde, brunette, and many more physical characteristics of a person that the words in the dictionary can describe. On May 17, 2009, as the school year was rolling around to a close, I participated in one last school affiliated volunteer event. Each year, more than 3.5 million people from around the world take part in the occasion to raise much-needed funds and awareness to save lives from those suffering from one of the world's deadliest diseases. My task was to take pictures of all the survivors who attended the event to celebrate their victory through either a yearlong, or even lifelong, battle against cancer. As I prepared to take another photo, I heard a loud hooting cry of exultation and excitement coming out of one of the photographers.

"Oh my god, I haven't seen you in a year! How've you been?" The photographer's name was Linda. Linda hugged joyfully a short, nearly bald, blond hair woman. The "Hello My Name is" nametag the woman wore read Sarah. She was a cancer survivor.

"I'm doing really great. After battling the sucker for two years, I'm so glad that it's over." Her face lit up after she spoke those words. Her facial impression molded into much like to that of a child's, overjoyed and surprised after laying eyes on Christmas presents. After her brief moment of elation, she soon noticed me patiently waiting to take her picture.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart. I didn't mean to keep you waiting. I'm just so glad that now I can lead a normal lifestyle." Her previous warm smile did not fade. I took a closer notice of her physical appearance. A disfiguring scar trailed from the left side of head and stopped to the opposite end. Small specks of blond hair attempted to cover up the visible marks. The shape of her head was not in exact symmetric with the rest of her face. Despite this conspicuous appearance, her upbeat disposition and bright smile veiled her physical deformity.

"Oh don't worry about it at all. It's news that you should be celebrating about. By all means, be happy!" I began to place my fingers atop the flash button of the digital camera. As I looked at the camera screen which displayed Sarah on the other side, I could not help but smile. She had undergone immense suffering from a disease that millions of people around the world have been and still are fighting. Luckily, she survived the storm, her now smiling and full of spirit. While I was jubilant for Sarah, I could not help think but think about those who did not make it out alive. My thoughts molded across my face. Sarah soon caught my forlorn countenance.

"Did you know anyone who has cancer?" She spoke delicately. Slowly, I nodded my head. "Yes, my grandfather passed away from lung cancer." I soon felt a lump grow in my throat.

About a year ago from this day, my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer. He was a doctor. He was a miracle worker. He was healthy. He never smoked. He exercised. He ate well. Unfortunately, he fell victim to the number one cancer killer in the United States. Although a year had passed, I could not help myself from choking up whenever the thought of approached my mind. Never again will I spend Friday nights cuddle with him on the couch watching the Bill Cosby show. He would never again ask me if I knew to decipher the meaning of a difficult word that would most likely appear on the SAT. I would never again sit next to him on the couch to talk about stories of his younger years. I would never again be able to do any of these things with him, at least not in this lifetime. For this reason, I was glad that I had been there to volunteer. Although he had not survived, I feel this event reminded me not only of memories that I shared with him but also to address to others the importance of finding the cure to this fast growing disease.

My passion lies in helping others in need. In the future, I soon hope to become a doctor. As I divest my time in participating in community service activities, I fill that not only am I giving back to the community but also am I building on my skills needed in the medical world. A dictionary definition would classify a doctor as "a person licensed to practice medicine, as a physician, surgeon, dentist, or veterinarian." However, to me, I believe a doctor is much more. A doctor is someone who bases his life on helping others in need. A doctor is a nurturer. A doctor is someone who sometimes puts his life on hold merely to better the conditions of other human beings. With this ideal in mind, I aspire to bear these calibers.

My involvement in the Relay for Life event brought back many memories that I shared with my grandfather. Although I choose to specialize in pediatric care, I still plan on in the future to advocate for the necessity in formulating a solution to cancer. My first hand experience in meeting a real life survivor motivates my intentions of succoring others. Volunteering allows me not only to help others but also to help myself. I strive to continue my life story by adding chapter in which I continue to invest my time in humanitarian efforts.
lowcal   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / My name and it's influences on me: COMMON APP ESSAY: [5]

this is really good. i can understand how you feel since i go through the same thing a lot to. i don't want to sound nit-picky but you used the word "gregarious" twice. maybe try to find a different word like "affable" or "extrovert" or maybe simply "friendly." you have good voice in your essay so i would stick to that.
lowcal   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / UNCW Essay - Carolina's Paradise [2]

Every essay is carefully reviewed by the admission committee for content, clarity, mechanics and effort. Essays may be an important factor in distinguishing admissible candidates within the applicant pool. Please answer the following question thoughtfully in 300-500 words. Answer in the space below, or submit a separate sheet with your full name and date of birth.

Reflecting on your personal and educational goals, please write about how you believe UNC Wilmington will allow you to grow as a student and as a person

Once a week, on Monday night at 8:00 p.m., I make sure that divest my time away from the chaotic world to spend the next hour watching the popular drama One Tree Hill. While I persist to remain as an aficionado to the storyline, simultaneously, I continue to become mesmerized by the immense scenic beauty of either Cape Fear Coast or Airlie Gardens residing in the city of Wilmington. Taken aback by the Wilmington's atmospheric attractiveness, I was curious of how the University of Wilmington added to the décor. I discovered that not only does UNCW have an eye-catching campus but also it provides quality education and opportunity to fit my needs.

I am brought up in a home where I am taught to aid and care for others in need. Through this ideal, I am passionate in helping others who suffer physically, mentally, and even emotionally. Thus, I plan to gear my career choice towards becoming a doctor. Looking over Wilmington's top notch pre-health professions science courses, I feel like I will benefit greatly from its curriculums. Also, with the collaborative research groups and hands-on experience gained from the Chemistry and Biochemistry program in the College of Arts and Sciences at Wilmington, I fill I will enrich my knowledge needed not only for medical school but also for my future profession in the medical world.

While I do strive for high academic achievement, I also would like to attend an institution constituting of a diverse culture of people. For seven years, I had lived overseas in the heartland of Saudi Arabia. As I had attended an American International School, I met with students from around the world, ranging from places like Taiwan or even the state of Texas. Every year, I was always greeted to fresh new faces. Having lived in such a diverse environment, I became grown to respect and to appreciate the element of diversity among individuals. Seeing how Wilmington vastly promotes its high admiration towards have a diverse student body, I could not resist in attending a school where I can continue learning the beauty of different cultures that exist in the world today.

By attending Wilmington, I believe it will lay for me an avenue towards self growth. Not only will I increase my intellect from the prestigious academia provide by the institution but also will become more knowledge and mature through accepting others for who they are and where they come from. I look forward to constructing the tower towards my future and to foster lifelong friendships. I hope to soon to become a part Wilmington by attending classes and socializing with its population rather than simply spending another day watching it through the television set.
lowcal   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / MIT activity Essay---Reading [13]

good introduction. it seems like you improved really well since you're first draft. i like it.
lowcal   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / SMU Supplement - how is SMU good fit for you? [5]

SMU appeals to students for a variety of reasons, including the strength of academic opportunities, small class sizes, sense of community, location and attractive campus. Please comment on how or why you feel these characteristics or others make SMU a good collegiate fit for you.

By attending SMU, I feel like I will blend in easily into the multiple settings it has to offer. Due to my experience of spending two years at a small class size high school, I believe I will have no conflict in engaging myself into the small student-to-faculty ratio. Also, with my inclination of giving back to the community, by joining one of SMU's service organizations, I will further carry on my passion of helping others. All in all, going to SMU makes me feel like I will be right at home.
lowcal   
Dec 23, 2009
Book Reports / "A Chain Reaction of Death" - intro of hamlet essay [4]

i would recommend putting your thesis as the last sentence of your paragrah and to building into the introduction of the people who fall. like first the ghost, the ophelia's father, etc...
lowcal   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement - what motivated you to come to Rice? [4]

What motivated you to apply to Rice University? Please be specific and limit your response to 200 words.

There is no "what if" that cannot become "what is." After reading those few words about Rice University, I only became more motivated into considering the institution as the gateway to my next four years of quality intellect and wisdom.

As I continued to research the opportunities that Rice had to offer, the majority of the elements that I discovered about the university turned out as positive. Imagining myself attending the small student to faculty institution, I feel closer to home. Having attended a high school with small class sizes, I feel I will not only comfortably blend myself into the familiar setting but also have the opportunity to partake in intellectual and thought-provoking discussions. Furthermore, Rice's prestigious Pre-Med program only makes more believe that my dreams of becoming the best doctor that I can be can turn into a reality by receiving an immense and adequate education from the university.

please help me if i didn't answer the prompt correctly or with grammatical errors. much is appreciated.
lowcal   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "Not quite an enigma" -Stanford Prompt [5]

this is a very good way to portray yourself. maybe you should give a shot at put some transitions here and there.
lowcal   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / John Hopkins Essay - Chemistry, The Combustion Reaction of My Knowledge [2]

Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose?

please critique it harshly and please help me with grammatical errors! thanks!

"Now I want you all to repeat after me, Leo the Lion goes Grrrrrr." The majority of the AP Chemistry students merely rolled their eyes at Mrs. Jones corny reference. Going about in her energetic and merry manner, she tried to teach each student, including myself, the basic concept of half reactions. While she continued to fill our minds with more cute analogies and students turned their attention to doodling, I continued to become fascinated through learning more and more elements affiliated to Chemistry.

Knowing particles that weight less than a feather continuously travel on a daily basis within, distant, and next to me intrigued me. Learning each being in the classroom is made up of tightly clustered minuscule units called atoms only left me ravenous for further knowledge in the convoluted and phenomenal world of Chemistry.

Pursuing a major in Chemistry will aid in quenching my comprehension of the vast fundamentals in accordance to the subject. I hope to gather eventual knowledge of the complexity of hybridization of orbitals and atomic structure and soon carry with me into the medical field. My aspiration is to become a doctor who specializes in pediatric care. Through unfolding and discovering the complexity of the chemical world, I can soon foster my newfound knowledge in administering medicine to children to help them conquer chronic infections. I would like to comfort children through tough periods by trying to the best of my ability to keep them in stable physical and mental health. Furthermore, I soon hope challenge my ability by aiding children in third world countries to combat any evil chemical lurking by.
lowcal   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Northwestern supplement:: "A second chance" [6]

i really admire the fact that you want to help those in your home country, that is really amazing. overall, you took a good approach on the essay. just as a side note, maybe you want to emphasize how Northwestern will further your dream.
lowcal   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / UNC prompt: Stinsonitis [5]

thank you so much for your feedback, i improved it a bit if you don't mind checking it out and commenting, grammar help would be great too.
lowcal   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / UNC prompt: Stinsonitis [5]

thanks so much for your help, really. do you think it answer the prompt well, is it well written?
lowcal   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice's academic life, Road to Equality [4]

Thank you for your help. I really do appreciate, I just don't know how to fix it, I'm really having trouble with it. I tried to cut out as much imagery that I could think of. Am I not answering the prompt very well? I really do consider your comments.
lowcal   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UNC prompt: Stinsonitis [5]

Prompt: It's easy to identify with the hero--the literary or historical figure who saves the day. Have you ever identified with a figure who wasn't a hero--a villain or a scapegoat, a bench-warmer or a bit player? If so, tell us why this figure appealed to you--and if your opinion changed over time, tell us about that, too.

It has to be approx. 250 words

Call him egotistical or a Casanova, Barney Stinson fits the mold. Known for his conceited role in the sitcom "How I Met Your Mother," Barney lives by his life philosophy of picking-up and dumping women, thus labeling him as a womanizer. After continuing to watch him persist for three years, I oddly came to admire Barney's approach on life.

Although I have no intentions of becoming a "womanizer," I did however learn through his routines that I should consider changing my life perspective. If someone described me in three words, without hesitation, he would reply with overanalyzing, meticulous, and to end in a lighter note, kind. I have the tendency in numerous situations to think ahead or look back and regret. Thus, I succeed in earning the title as "semi-party pooper." However, through observing Barney's nonchalance manner, I respect the risk he takes in digressing from living a systematic life to choosing to live life at full throttle. Gradually, I learned from him to take a less stringent outlook on life and to loosen up. Similar to Barney's theory of living with no regrets, I now bury most of my past situations and begin to dig up for what is to come. Although I continue to remain steadfast to my idiosyncrasies, I thank Barney for reminding me that life is ephemeral to continue to live by the rules. Now, I live by his few words, " You've been living your whole life in a seatbelt, its time to unclick."

and should there be a paragraph break anyway?
lowcal   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice's academic life, Road to Equality [4]

Prompt: The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice?

The bus slowed to a stop. I took a moment to glance at my surroundings through the window. The sky painted a mixture of colors much like that of Edvard Munch's The Scream. I had arrived in a small village known as Morrelgang.

Stepping out, I felt the damp weather press against my skin. Though the above scenery displayed a pleasant and heartwarming view, what lay ahead of me did not compare. The road on which people walked or even bicycled across had a scattering of hazardous rocks and mud. Five children, dressed in wretched clothes stood before me. Many of them strode barefoot. Those with shoes had only ones of poor quality. Despite their conditions, all the children flashed me bright smiles. At that moment, my throat clenched and my heart tried to keep itself from shattering. At that moment, I was facing my own family.

As I tried to hold myself together, a young girl, my niece, approached me blithely and wrapped her cold hands around mine. She wore a faded red long-sleeved dress with tears trailing to where the skirt ended. Her hair was tied up in a messy knot with a ribbon of matching color. She constantly dangled her bare feet against the mud-covered earth floor. Not minding how she looked, she gently tugged on my arm as a signal for me to follow her to her home.

We soon stopped in front of an enormous house, built primarily out of wood and mud. About 20 feet tall, the house was painted in shades of bright red and blue. Stairs molded from a mixture of gray cement and golf sized rocks led to the inside. Back home in the United States, I had never lived in, nor seen a building even remotely similar to this mansion. To be honest, I couldn't imagine ever living in a setting like what lay before me. However, as I saw my niece gleefully run towards her home, gesturing for me to follow along, I gained an immense respect for her lack of embarrassment from where she came from.

Once in her room, I instantly spotted a medium sized gray shoe box placed on top of a wooden bedside table. When she noticed my expression, she giddily told me to have a seat on her bed. She grabbed the shoebox excitedly and placed it on top of my knee, pleading me to open it. I untied the elaborate handmade bow and lifted the lid. Inside lay a homemade necklace and bracelet made of rainbow colored beads and brown and ivory-colored yarn. My heart melted. Even though I had seen a million dollars worth of jewelry in my lifetime, I still thought her gift to me was the most precious piece of jewelry I had ever laid my eyes on. While I stared at my niece's present, I was filled with a sudden fear of presenting her with the gift I had brought.

Surrounded by a lifestyle in which shiny and materialistic objects were easy to obtain, I assumed that by merely buying her a golden jewelry set would make my niece happy. However, after seeing how much time and effort she had put into making a gift made me feel inconsiderate and less giving. I did not want to offend her because I could afford what she currently could not. I did not want her to feel inferior to me. However, I did not want her to go through life without having at least one moment of luxury, a life I had been living every day. Hesitantly, I reached into my purse to grab a maroon box which held my present for her.

I silently hoped and prayed that she would not get upset. In my head I imagined seeing a frown on her face once she saw the costly jewelry. Instead, she flashed her small teeth at me and leaped onto my lap to give m bear-like hug and kiss on the cheek. Slowly, she moved towards my ear an whispered, "Thank you so much Auntie, I really, really love it." All the immense anxiety within me suddenly washed away. Happily, I smiled back at her beaming countenance.

To this day, her smile reminds me of how despite our contrasting lifestyles, I feel that I am equal to her. Whether one could afford to make a piece of jewelry out of beads and yarn or a diamond necklace worth someone's lifetime savings, our exchange in gifts illustrates the ideal of quality. I believe that each person deserves to be treated with equally respect. I do not base a person's disposition through first impression but through elongated observance of temperament and spirit. I carry myself on the morals of keeping an open mind towards people, places, and things. The choice of taking a chance on seeing others by the same token leads me to become more knowledge in different realms. While I yearn to challenge myself on many intellectual levels, I also am curious of understanding other people's roots and ethics they hold with them every passing day. Walking across the college campus populated with fresh new faces ranging from small towns in Eastern Asia or even local cities in Texas, by the end of the day, I plan to allow individuals to show me who they truly are. While I do reflect on my niece's smile through moments of my life, I do not mind encountering another elated countenance.

Any advice on a better title?
lowcal   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Brown Essay (no personal connections with Brown) [6]

This supplement is strong without a doubt, but like the above, you don't need to praise Brown as "prestigious", they already know that. When it's asking "Why Brown", they want more you not more them. Why do YOU want to, ask youself, who what where when how and why questions about Brown and how it will benefit your life. I hope i helped and good luck!
lowcal   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Determined; Passionate; Open-minded - boston: three word that describe you best [3]

I intend to infuse all that i have learnt, in any way that I can into my life in Boston University.

that should be capital

Open-minded Is who I am.

lower case "I"

overall i like the approach of your essay. you targeted how you could contribute to BU which is good.

i agree with the present tense as the above, it makes the read feel like their part of your story
lowcal   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Title: The Road Now Taken [3]

Prompt: The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice?

Struck by sudden panic, we all realized the impending hour of the
Masquerade Ball. The aroma of the fresh out-of-the-oven brownies and the roar
of the vacuum cleaning were all examples of what we Interact members were doing
to prepare for the fast-approaching dance. Students scurried past one another
trying to get everything done in time. Rushing to encircle the pillars with
decorative lights, I paused to observe the frenzied work force of students. A
few feet away from me were two students high on ladders attempting to hang an
ornate poster. With a bright red background, dangling ribbons, and glitter
spread to form words, the sign read "Welcome to the Masquerade Ball! Not only
will you have fabulous time but you also will help children in desperate need
in third world countries." A picture of a young girl beaming with a gap-toothed
expression lay juxtaposed to the large poster. My eyes fixated on the picture.
At that moment, I couldn't help but smile, remembering my recent life-altering
experience in the heartland of Bangladesh.
The bus slowed to a stop. I took a moment to glance at my
surroundings through the window. The sky painted a mixture of colors much like
that of Edvard Munch's The Scream. I had arrived in a small village known as
Morrelgang. Stepping out, I felt the damp weather press against my skin.
Though the above scenery displayed a pleasant and heartwarming view, what lay
ahead of me did not compare. The road on which people walked or even
bicycled across had a scattering of hazardous rocks and mud. Five children,
dressed in wretched clothes stood before me. Many of them strode barefoot.
Those with shoes had only ones of poor quality. Despite their conditions, all
the children flashed me bright smiles. At that moment, my throat clenched and
my heart tried to keep itself from shattering. At that moment, I was facing my
own family.
As I tried to hold myself together, a young girl, my niece,
approached me blithely and wrapped her cold hands around mine. She wore a faded
red long-sleeved dress with tears trailing to where the skirt ended. Her hair
was tied up in a messy knot with a ribbon of matching color. Her entire body
was aesthetically-clothed. She constantly dangled her bare feet against the
mud-covered earth floor. Not minding how she looked, she gently tugged on my
arm as a signal for me to follow her to her home.
As she swung my hand back and forth while we walked along the
rugged road, I felt her body shiver frequently against my skin. Observing her
condition, I felt somewhat selfish since I had been comfortably warm with my
zipped-up leather jacket and fuzzy brown moccasins. Slowly, I released her
hand, careful not to offend her, unzipped my jacket, and proceeded to wrap it
around her petite, shaking body. Joyfully, she accepted my gesture and snuggled
herself deep inside the jacket.
We soon stopped in front of an enormous house, built primarily out
of wood and mud. About 20 feet tall, the house was painted in shades of bright
red and blue. Trees as tall as lamp posts stood near the right portion of the
house. Stairs molded from a mixture of gray cement and golf sized rocks led to
the inside. Back home in the United States, I had never lived in, nor seen a
building even remotely similar to this mansion. To be honest, I couldn't
imagine ever living in a setting like what lay before me. However, as I saw my
niece gleefully run towards her home, gesturing for me to follow along, I
gained an immense respect for her lack of embarrassment from where she came
from.
Once in her room, I instantly spotted a medium sized gray shoe box,
embellished by a bow shaped from a white piece of yarn, placed on top of a
wooden bedside table. When she noticed my expression, she giddily told me to
have a seat on her bed. She grabbed the shoebox excitedly and placed it on top
of my knee, pleading me to open it. I untied the elaborate handmade bow and
lifted the lid. Inside lay a homemade necklace and bracelet made of rainbow
colored beads and brown and ivory-colored yarn. My heart melted. Even though I
had seen a million dollars worth of jewelry in my lifetime, I still thought her
gift to me was the most precious piece of jewelry I had ever laid my eyes on.
While I stared at my niece's present, I was filled with a sudden fear of
presenting her with the gift I had brought.
Surrounded by a lifestyle in which shiny and materialistic objects
were easy to obtain, I assumed that by merely buying her a golden jewelry set
would make my niece happy. However, after seeing how much time and effort she
had put into making a gift made me feel inconsiderate and less giving. I did
not want to offend her because I could afford what she currently could not. I
did not want her to feel inferior to me. However, I did not want her to go
through life without having at least one moment of luxury, a life I had been
living every day. Hesitantly, I reached into my purse to grab a maroon box
which held my present for her.
I began to silently hope and pray that she would not get upset. In
my head I imagined seeing a frown on her face once she saw the costly jewelry.
Instead, she flashed her small teeth at me and leaped onto my lap to give me
bear-like hug and kiss on the cheek. Slowly, she moved towards my ear and
whispered, "Thank you so much Auntie, I really, really love it." All the
immense anxiety within me suddenly washed away. Happily, I smiled back at her
beaming countenance.
After moments of staring at the picture, I came back to reality.
The girl's smile in the picture reminded me of the same smile my niece gave me
the day I gave her the golden jewelry set. Her smile reminded me of how despite our contrasting
lifestyles, we both shared the same ideal of life, the ideal of equality. Whether one could
afford to make a piece of jewelry out of beads and yarn or a diamond necklace worth someone's lifetime savings, I believe that each person deserves to be treated with equally respect. I do not base a person's disposition through first impression but through elongated observance of temperament and spirit. I carry myself on the morals of keeping an open mind towards people, places, and things. Much like the concept draw out from Robert Frost's elegant The Road Not Taken, my perspective of life to take the chance of seeing others by the same token aspired me to become more knowledge in different realms. While I yearn to challenge myself on many intellectual levels, I also am curious of understanding other peoples roots and ethics they hold with them every passing day. Walking across the college campus populated with fresh new faces from small towns in Eastern Asia or even local cities in Texas, by the end of the day, I plan allow individuals to show me who they really are and not what today's stereotypes have set them up to me. While I do reminisce my niece's smile through moments of my life, I do not mind encountering another elated countenance.