Book Reports / Fences and Death of a Salesman Essay Pleae help me revise and edit this. [3]

You may or may not agree with me, but I'll point this out anyway.

Quote:

"...I'll show you all the towns...And they know me, boys, they know me up and down New England...I have friends. I can park my car in any street in New England, and the cops protect it like their own" (Miller 31). This quote is significant because Willy tries to persuade his sons into becoming like him by telling him about his life experiences.

I think it is a bad idea using this phrase. What it is telling me is that you do not really understand what this quote is saying and you just quote the whole lot and expect me to figure out, or you are not competent enough to integrate the quote with the idea that you want to express.

Instead try to do something like Willy tries to persuade his sons into becoming like him by "[showing] them all the towns" and ...

Yea, you see, this quote don't flow smoothly. So just take it out altogether and rephrase it. You don't need many quotes to impress the reader. Like you have pointed out, it is the flow.

Once again, I may not be right. Think about it yourself.
Good luck!

Undergraduate / Experiences...Accomplishments...Experiences - College admission essay [6]

I like your vision that "After all, a great leader's courage to fulfill her vision comes from passion not position."

Maybe you want to describe what you have done to be a great leader after pulling out from the election. Your idea is nice, but I think you need to understand what it means.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'bioengineering research' - College Sup. Essay: Duke Pratt school of Engineering [4]

Even though I hate Bio, I feel sort of manly after reading your application...

ershad193 has pointed out many of your mistakes, think along the line and give some specific evidence of what you have pointed out in your essay.

Undergraduate / major in Special Education - University of Illinois Essay-Freshmen Admissions [3]


I think this is a bit long here; either one of the two will do.

because I feel an obligation to help children with special needs.

OR

because my interest in a becoming Special Education teacher has always been with me.

~~

Maybe a little bit of a preference matter, I prefer "As a child" to "As a child growing up".

~~


"However" is probably a bit strange here, maybe:

Fortunately, I received help from caring teachers...

~~


Watching my brother's struggle has motivated me to help more children with special needs to pursue their education (why?)

~~


children can shine regardless of their learning abilities. (why?)

~~

I think you can trim of cut the last sentence to elaborate more on the contain. Personal preference though.

G L ~

Undergraduate / "That someone was me"; The American Dream [8]


I don't mean to put you down, but this sentence alone is worth expanding to an essay and will probably leave a better impression than the essay that you currently have. I know going to America is an exciting experience and you have shown it brilliantly with your colorful description, but what have you learn?

If this is an letter of appreciation, it would be great. But in a college application essay, do not expect to throw them your entire life and let the administration officers to interpret your life for you. Show them what you care, and how going to America has made you a better and a more mature person. I believed loving America is not an admission requirement.

Well, I may be wrong. You will have to decide for yourself.

Undergraduate / Essay for my father, who influences me a lot. [8]



Are you serious...


I think this is unnecessary, because you left it hanging without any connection to the next paragraph, and it did not shown how this aspect of him has affected you. And I think they knew well enough about CR already.

The motivation of the beginning all the way to"Without sufficient light" of the second paragraph is a bit unclear; how has his early life affected you?

Well, I can tell that your father is awesome. =D

Undergraduate / 'Coming mom / Do not panic' - intellectually engaging exp. and letter to roomate [4]


I think "instead" will go better here.


...you will meet...

Undergraduate / Is God real? Is it true that He's there in times of my deepest sorrow? [7]

Hello~

I think your essay have truly shown the process of your growing by questioning yourself about the things that happened in your everyday life. It is really hard to do but I think you did great.

On the other hand, I think the following transition is a little bit subtle:


There seemed to have no relationship between them, and i think looked random. I know what you are getting at but I think you need to put a little bit thought into the wordings. Something like: "As I peeked deeper into my inner self, I my faith in God was put to test as I witnessed the tragedies that are happening every day..."

Or any other thing that make your essay flow.

Good luck~

Undergraduate / TITLE: Seven Pairs, Thirteen Years: This is my Common App Personal essay [10]

I think you have quite an unique topic, and explained the relationship between you and your glasses really well. Congratz~

If you want to cut, I suggest you to work on the intro paragraph, since it is a long para compared to the rest of your paragraphs, and it does not show how your glasses represents you.


Luckily, at the end of the day my glasses, battered and worn, were returned to me.

G L~

Undergraduate / "To illustrate Strength" - How is the content, should it be more personal? [4]

Hi.

I think you got a little bit overwhelmed by the three values and the word limit. Just focus on one, like this one


and talk about how you have learned from it, how one of the three values (or one of your own values that resembled one of theirs) have influence you to make you better.

G L~

Undergraduate / "Swamp kitty," a.k.a. Cottontail - a college entrance application [7]

Hi.

I think your cat is awesome!


But I think it is a bad idea to name a few. Name one, and talk about how your cat's spirit has affected you.

G L~

Poetry / 1 sense poem 'When I'm at the beach I hear... [9]

I like the way you say


rather than you see. =D

G L~

Writing Feedback / My Dad; He always stands by my side - A Person That Has Influenced My Life [7]

Hi.

First of all, I think your dad is awesome~


My immediate impression after reading this is that there are too many "homeless man" in this paragraph. Try to shorten up this a bit just by going straight to the idea that

1. you are reluctant to give food to the homeless man
2. your dad ask you give the food to the homeless man
3. and you did

instead of going through all the details. Now all the homeless men disappear~

You did great at elaborating how the experience with the homeless man has affected you behavior afterward.

G L~

Undergraduate / My mother - UT admission essay - person important to you. [9]

Hi.

Since the body is not out, I cannot tell how this intro is going to play out yet.

However, my advice is try to get straight to the point instead of going from a general intro into the specifics. Every word will eat into your essay, and might not be wise to include things that are general enough to describe not only your mother but anyone. This is not easy but can be done. Try to start the essay with a specific incident that affect you, and branch out naturally from there. This way you won't have to think about how work your way back into the main topic in the second paragraph.

I am working on the essay that has the exact same topic same yours. It probably suck now and I am trying to improve it too. =D

BTW, don't you think it is awesome to write about our mums?

G L~

Undergraduate / Cubicle no 9: common app: Under which topic does this essay fits in [3]


Now you tell me which one it fit. =D

Even after you have figured out, there is much work to be done to polish your essay.

First of all, there are a lot of ";" in your essay. Change all to either "," or ".".


"Wonderful" alone will be good enough.


Either one of the clause will be good enough.


Trying to be cute here yo? ;D


My friends were not angry with me but my action had hurt them.

I like the way you used the cubicle as a symbol for friendship, maybe elaborate a little further on the fun times you guys had in the cubicle?

G L~

Undergraduate / England, Family, Memories, Life - Just an idea for the Common App Essay [9]

This is a really unique aka risky essay.

mm I don't know if this is the right approach but ask yourself what the person/admission officer reading the essay is going to find out about you after reading your essay?

They are probably looking for clues that help identify those with some traits that they are looking for, and what kind of traits are you trying to show them.

You have probably answer these questions by saying


So, is this strong enough?

If you think it is, then stick with it, take a risk, and see how it will turn out.

To be honest, I really like the poetic touch of your essay. But the risk of any 'poetic' essay is the lack of real, solid substance. But I think you did wrap it up well with the expression that I have quoted, and the scattering images gave some sense of your inner thoughts (Meanwhile I am aware that this isn't the final product). I think I will be more impress if you elaborate more and connects them in such a way that everyone is able to feel the way you feel, isn't that what the essay, and language in general, is all about? As I am telling you this, I am actually struggling with my own essay. Well, I am no expert. =D

G L~

Undergraduate / Ties, Girls and Universal Primary Education. Common App Essay. [6]

Hi.

Coincidentally, I have decided to open up my essay with an opening imagery too! But have decided to cut it, well, like Kevin said, for more discussion. It is painful to drop but sometimes you need to do it.


Have you really shown what EAMUN is all about in your first paragraph?

Talk about what you have learned, how you have changed by describing the person you used to be, etc..


I think you need to cut this too, since you don't have them.

I am really admire your commitment to the club, since I quit my club due to the lack of interest (commitment =p). Well, who them what you've got!

G L~

Undergraduate / I have tried to be the best son in the world (applying to some IVY schools) [11]

Hi.

I love my family too, but if I were you, I would probably have elaborated a little bit more rather than just writing some things that is general enough to describe the other 4765 students going to America each year.

Show them how you have tried to become the best son, what you have learned, and how you, or your love for your family, have changed. Including these will make your essay much stronger, unique and clearer. Deliver your thoughts to them and show them the way you feel.

Is this your commons application essay? If not then I think I am mistaken.

G L~

Undergraduate / Common App. - Inspiring person to run for Governor [7]

Hi.

From what you have written, I think you have really grown a lot from this election. I think you are really committed to what you are doing and surely, you did win.

However, I was not sure what kind of victory you are referring to when you say


Are you talking about your supporters, or the experience, and did that person inspired you to realize such victory? I think your reflection is equally important as the process, try to elaborate that a little. Make them feel your victory.

I like the ending, it shows your determination and commitment.

G L~

Undergraduate / My mother - UT admission essay - person important to you. [9]

Hi, I hope you didn't get tired of me talking. =D

After reading your essay, I truly thinks that your mum is really, really awesome, and definitely knows that she so much more than what you can ever squeeze into this essay. But you are doing something very dangerous here; you list everything down without elaborating what she really did, and as a reader, I never get to know how your mother has done anything for you that has truly inspired you to become someone better.

Sometimes ago, I wrote an essay about my grandfather. He took care of me from 3 - 9 and as I am writing the essay, I cried (yea not the manliest thing to do). But the response was good. Sometimes it gets all uncomfortable digging up your memories, but I think if you want the readers to be touched by your essay, you have to show them the details, cuz it is really hard to make others relate you your thoughts. Careful readers will pick up your train of thoughts, and observe your world as if they were standing right next to you. But first you need to open up yourself and show them what you have. Even if it fails, at least you have tried and there's nothing else to worried about.

If all these doesn't ring a bell, my final advice is focus on one incident when you mum really taught you a lot about faith, and talk about how you have changed. The focus is on you!

G L~

Undergraduate / "Pumpernickel do not go inside the kitchen" a bump in the road in my personal life [8]

Hi.

I can tell that your brother plays a huge role in your life but I think what the lacks is your response to this obstacle. What did you to overcome this obstacle?

The organization is not the best too. You need more paragraphs to show the development.

G L~

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]

Hi.

I like you essay very much. It seems to flow, it is the kind of essay that follow a person's nature train of thoughts.

This sentence is particularly good:


This is something I can strongly relate to. Voices are images, or symbols, that you can readily associate to when you recall a character in a film, and I think (correct me) through this essay you want to say that the characters lack the kind of images that truly represents themselves and you want to make them better.

The problem is that your essay flows so well that it does not have a strong 'punch'. The punch you intended probably started from "They were flat...", and extends to the next two para. But they seemed to lack something that is strong enough to wake me up, someone reading a thousand essays a day may just miss that, and you won't want that to happen.

So, ya, like Kelvin said, try to put somewhere in your essay a thesis, strong enough to catch the attention of the reader. I personally think (so it may not be right ;p) a thesis does not have to be in the beginning of the para but anywhere you think it fits. It can even be some kind of emotion when you ask yourself


Do you feel angry that they lacked these? Or frustrated? Any form of strong emotion will make the reader aware, and question themselves naturally what is going on.

G L~

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]

Hi.

I can really feel your enthusiasm at this subject and know you have put a lot into doing what you love. But I think you a getting a little bit broad with the ideas you have generated from the kitchen. Anyone can turn his kitchen into a chem lab, but not everyone can gain the experience that you will gain. Try to elaborate on the learning process. what does chemical engineering mean to you? What is your vision?

Given your enthusiasm, I think you will be a great chemist.

G L~

Undergraduate / "I faced my fears" - College Admission Test Essay [5]

Hi.

I understand that it is difficult in school once you felt that you are being left out and admire your faith in the new school life.


Elaborate more on how you want to contribute. This will make your essay more convincing.

G L~

Undergraduate / "the gift of giving" (quality accomplishment) - UC prompt #2 [6]

Hi.

Your essay definitely has covered the learning experience and the joy your received by helping other people. 400+ hours are a lot, I don't even think I have 50. lol

Try maybe to elaborate more on why you chose hospital in the first place, since you have contributed so much time on it.


A little bit unclear, try to explain a bit.

G L~

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]


Every time you respond the post will get revived and float to the top, and people get to see it. So yes.

I am thankful that my comments did help cuz I post crap most of the time. lol

G L~

Writing Feedback / To speak well is more important than to write well [3]

Hi.

I think the example you use is appropriate, the language is fair good and the ideas are clear.

Some idioms are inappropriate, though:


high income


Verbal skill, communication skill


Don't need this


When my brother was being interviewed for the position of personnel manager at IBM company, he responded the question skillfully and humorously.

I think particularly does not fit here. "My sister like ice-cream. Particularly, vanilla ice-cream."
I may be wrong, though, but I seldom see particularly being use like you did. Keep in mind that all these adverbs make your essay sound vague; the reader won't know how exactly your brother has handled the interview. Try to be more specific next time.


Awesome transition!


Whatever this means, it is not a good idea to use But in this situation. Your previous sentence is saying that you brother did a good job on his interview. Now he said this, and apparently the interviewer has a good impression on it. You use but when you want to introduce an idea that is negative to the previous statement, and in this case it is not true. Instead, you can just continue without using anything. But I still feel that this sentence is really dangerous...

Keep writing!

G L~

Undergraduate / "What don't you know?" - Brown Essay [4]

Hi.


I agree. =D

Well, it is true that a concise essay is better than a long and boring one, but it all depends on what you write. Students could easily write pass the word limit and you wrote way below it. Why?

In any application essay you wrote, it is better to focus on yourself. True Bush sucks, but isn't that what everyone is saying? So what are you trying to tell Brown by reiterating other people's words?

Mu suggestion is try to think of something that you personally don't know and would like to know. Why don't you know it? What's the significance? That way you can produce a full 500 essay and, hopefully, fill the essay with you own thoughts.

G L~

Undergraduate / "Pumpernickel do not go inside the kitchen" a bump in the road in my personal life [8]

Hi.

I see. I am mistaken this for a common essay, my bad.

Your essay is special, it captures the reader's attention by introduce something small but unique to your brother. I think it is really appropriate, though appropriate is not quite the word. It is like something snapped right in place.

I like the way you get so true about the circumstances, instead of trying to be a poet like many people do. Really sorry if I offend you in anyway.

G L~

Essays / "WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE FAVORITISM" - paragraph writing [5]

Hi.

You may want to start by talking about your own favorite thing and why you like it, cuz there is a high chance people like their favorite thingz the way you like your favorite thingz.

BTW, what is the "(7)ways method"?

G L~

Undergraduate / Challenge or experience that helped you learn what is important to you [12]

Hi.

Some of the most impressive essay I have seen talk about simple things that the writers encounter everyday, like walking across a creek or playing guitar. Trying to think of something you do often, and explain why you did them and what they have taught you.

G L~

Undergraduate / UT Topic A -- Influential Person (My Parents) [6]

Hi.

You essay is fairly well written but I would be more impressed if you can express the relationship between your decision to be a better student and how your parents have influence your decision more clearly. It seems that you have decided to work hard for your studies before your mother have decided to enroll in her course. How can the things she did later inspired you earlier work?

If your mother's enrollment into the course has taught you


then who is responsible for your earlier work? In my opinion, the second paragraph looked very detached.

I think it would be a good idea to switch the order of events; like talk about your mother first, then talk about yourself, that way we can see the connection clearer.

G L~

Undergraduate / "Potential problems" - Evaluate a significant experience, achievement [6]

Hi.

I will have agree that the essay is too long and too much of them are background information that the essay can live without. Your friend's birthday did not really come into play as a important detail, neither the fun you previously had.

You experience sounds really exciting, maybe you may want to elaborate more on what you have learned and talk about how it have change your approach to the world. Some solid decisions you have made based on this experience will be nice.

G L~

Undergraduate / "I'm not your typical girl" - Texas Essay [6]

Hi.

This essay is very interesting and I can feel your desire to describe yourself as fully as possible, but the essay ended up very scattered and lack the focus that the readers will be looking for. Are you trying to talk about the language barrier you have to overcome or your strong ability at mathematics? Why are you telling us your name and how people pronounce it? Why are you telling us about the boy you met? There are too many unnatural transition between ideas:

you name -> what you think about leaders -> the boy you met at cafeteria -> you school performance. Pick one of them and focus on it, what you did, what you have learned, what is the significance?

You are a good nature person, I wish you well.

G L~

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]

Hi.

This essay is much more relevant than the one before. Your passion and vision is clearly explained in the second paragraph, which is great. The organization of the essay is good too.

However, I must say that the last two paras are not as strong as your second paragraph. They are too general and do not make any strong point. Still need a lot of work for the last two paragraphs. Try to write a topic sentence, either implicit or explicit, and rely and only rely on that to develop your paragraph. Topic sentences gives you goals for what you want to achieve, like how you want to be a engineer so that you can explore how random chemicals are relevant to your daily life. Well, hope that make a bit of sense...

You are getting better.

G L~

Undergraduate / Nursing School essay: Why do I want to be a nurse? [5]

Hi.


I think you can replace the "or" with an period.


Take my advice, change this word. How about "ample opportunities"?


mmm, I think nurses are not the 'second person' at all. Nurse is a unique occupation, and I think you know it better than I do. Upon reading the paragraph, I think the idea you want to bring across is that "nurses, who are closer to the patients as they are needed to take care of the patients on a daily basis, will be able to fill the void while doctors are all busy attending other patients". This may not be the best way to word it, but I think this is what you are trying to say.

To be honest I like nurses a lot. I think all inspired nurses are wonderful people.

Ok I am weird...

G L~

Writing Feedback / Catostrophic earthquake in Southern Haiti: issue of international significance [5]

Hi.

My first impression of this essay is that it is a newspaper report, which defeats the purpose of this essay. The section, which forms the integral part of the essay, does not say anything about how you are affected by the earthquake, but facts that are all too well known by everyone around the world. All this can be sum up in just one sentence, like "The Haiti earthquake has affected me a lot".

What I prefer to hear is more about how you feel, what you have done volunteering, like you have mentioned, and what you have learned. I was affected by this event too, but each of us will see different things and these experience is worth sharing and appreciated. Connect the earthquake to your own life, talk about how it has changed you, about the conflict that happen within you. You cannot simply use a disastrous event to evoke emotions from your reader. It is not going to work.

I truly wish you see something valuable that is worth sharing.

G L~

Undergraduate / 'Twister and Spinner' - Supplement Essay . note to a future roommate.. [7]

Hi.

I think your analogy is really unique. Although the main idea is the good old "neither a key nor a lock can work alone", you make it fit your own personality by saying that the gregarious 'spinner' is always there to make his friend lol. To me this essay is also appropriate for the topic "describe an intellectually engaging activity", but you may want to make some amendments here and there.


...me attentively, ...


I thought spin will be better. It depends on your board size, though.


"Gradually its momentum decreases" alone will be enough.


Either one of these will do

I think this essay is good.

G L~

Undergraduate / "A better degree, a better life style", Commonapp Transfer essay [8]

Hi.

You are doing something very dangerous here: denouncing your current institution openly is never a good idea. If I am the admission officer, I will probably be thinking: if you cannot appreciate your current school, how are you going to appreciate us? No matter how suck your current institution, or life is, try to look positive, and you will discover something unexpectedly awesome. To be honest, this essay shows that you are not ready at all to go to a better place.

There are some ambiguity regarding the kind of "challenge" you want. You talk vaguely about wanting to become the best person you can ever be. So, envision yourself in 10 years, where will you be standing then? What kind of things will you be doing? Tell them, so that they know how to help you. Reiterating you grades will give an impression that you do not know what else to talk about.

As for grammar and style, they are excellent.

I truly hope that you find your vision.

G L~

Undergraduate / interest in and knowledge of solar energy: what you find intellectually engaging [4]

Hi.

Your essay is full of energy and enthusiasm. I was smiling while reading it. lol


I love this line!


FINALLY SOMEONE REALIZE THIS!


...that have made great investments...

G L~