Undergraduate / "the vast diversity and ... my cousin" - Why Franklin and Marshall [4]

Malika...
Three things...

1) This is so formal.... like a newspaper writing about a college not a student. Example:-



....(.I would say the worst sentence of this essay.) Every GOOD college in America has unique diversity of its own and this is a very poor sentence.... for facts you can check on the college board for top 100 college diversity ....

2)Don't start the essay with cousins ...just put it in between as a side line cause the essay needs to focus on you and your research. You have not said anything about your major and any research that they are doing in that field that you would like to be a part of it. Talk like a mature person.... who is very sorted in life not a person who just wants to go to a college because his cousins said and it has good diversity. THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN.

3) Conclusion.... :) I can just imagine the problem but you know.... it has to have a signature of your personality....ummmm.... Suggestion....read about 40 essays (which is what I did when I got in UC Boulder) to get a inspiration because conclusion can only come from you. I also, know you are going to feel really irritated reading this... like a granddad talk but that plain truth. Think about it. Your intro (like I said earlier ) and your ending is YOUR punch not essay forum's.

So, be patient and work on a new draft...
Hope this helps...

Undergraduate / "Self-Discovery; the bucolic town of Jijiga"-Essay Prompt [3]

Anania.... this is not a good essay. It is creativity gone totally wrong. This essay speaks about your grandmother... the tree but there is no Anania in this. Frankly, the concept of you being linked to the the tree is well, i'll say useless because this is an admission essay and you should not forget that you are in competition with others.

FIRST PARA AND SECOND PARA: Not a word about you.

THIRD:


Really? Are you sure you want to say that to admission committee....


You come across as a stubborn character FROM YOUR WRITING. Understand, that I don't know you and I can form a sketch of your character from this essay only...get it! Your writing portrays you....

FOURTH---


WHAT IS THE POINT OF WRITING ALL THIS?????? This tells me nothing about expect of the fact that you are thinking that admission committee wants to hear how pious I am...please do not think want they want to hear.... they want to see well rounded characters... people with a little good humor, hard work, mature to know why they are taking whatever major, a little goofy....they don't want people who put labels as GOOD BAD... there is 99.9% grey in life....


The college does not want a pat on the back from you....
my friends .... if fear of rejection is so much then they can never move forward in life. Continuous failures makes success faster...
See, I wanted to be harsh as possible to make you realize the possibility of someone like me can sit in the admission committee. I have just got in at University of Colorado boulder and been through the process of admission and essay...ITS TOUGH!!! Read a lot of essays and get an idea of styles of writing....

Post up a new draft and we can work on that as soon as possible.... :)
Hoping this helps....

Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplements-good match?, equity and community [2]

Tobi.... your essay 1 has lots of problems to begin within.


Your starting is like a text book question answer and not at all a college essay response. Your sentence that is your introduction should be catchy... a little informal(maybe)...something that gives an essay a lift. Your introduction is a put off.


The college is not wanting a pat on the back from you. Its sheer waste of space. See, its YOU who is writing this response and everything should portray your character. They must see that you are a person that they would like on the campus because he is different.


Who doesn't look?


How do you know this? Do other colleges not have this?
See, each line has these really sentences that tells me nothing. In simple example, today I can erase Tobi and write any name... the essay would remain the same. Get it! It lacks your flavor.

1) You could write about the major your taking and write about a research the college is doing in the particular field and say you are interested in it. That shows you took pains to research what the college has been doing and shows more passion for college then praises for its size or things that really are buttering. This research thing is only point of all you can write about yourself. But that no one can help as you know yourself the best and also....that's what's unique about you. ;)

Tell the essay more about you.
SECOND ESSAY....
This year whenever I read such an essay I found people slipping in one mistake, we can say that they should not do. DO NOT generalize your essay. Be specific. Am example, when your writing on say....animals....then don't write that we should be kind or we should stop cruelty...be specific. Talk either about Animal testing, Vegetarianism....one point. Shows you as a mature person and not a school boy. So, I would suggest you to rework the whole of second prompt.

I think that these are really good essay but for school stuff... not college.
Rework them and post them up...so we can work on it more. Cheers.
Hope this helps.... :)

Undergraduate / 'So, tell me about this company you want to start,' - achievement/experience/risk [5]

Brenda---One important thing...please put up the exact topic before your essay. Don't just write experience. Just put the complete thing.
Assuming its not a personal statement they have asked because then this would be debacle of an essay.
Experience... its a really good one. First of all, your ending is innovative but not what I would have written. It differs from person to person but think about my version of adding what your company is doing and how far has it gone. Its your greatest asset that you are hiding. Think about you... your company.... doing great.... shows your hardworking and committed. Then you can round it up by saying any more details you will have to meet... so on. Just for the smart line we can't miss out on your glowing factors... your personality.

But ending line brings a smile. :)


Before this, I am not feeling your excitement. Your idea to introduce this person late and everything ummm.... by the time I reach the climax or the punch of your essay I am uncertain about the essay. A little expansion in the feelings and anticipation would add more soul to this essay.

First Para- Your ending was much better and innovative. So....try polishing it up.
Second Para-


I can't deny that I would feel the same but I would structure the whole para once again. I want to know
1) How did this day come about?
2) What was your assumption(something witty can be added here like you know how in life we anticipate few things and they turn out totally different.) about this guy, this interview, the atmosphere...its interest's the reader.

3)Finally a little about the interview...
I think if there is no word limit then don't worry....let the writting flow even if its 10000 words because editting is easy....trust me.

Hope this helps.... :)

Undergraduate / "My dad's health struggles" + "Mathletes" - Common App Essays and Short Response [5]

Jorge, its not enough to say I haven't figured out what I want to do? Honestly then college would like prefer some one over you who is more sorted out and ready. Please figure out IMMEDIATELY.

This is the most important decision of your life.
Your essay also is not your admission essay. It looks like its your father's essay which shows his struggle and his achievement. Last para, you come in with your punch about "you". This should be squeezed in one para of your whole personal essay/statement.

Consider a kid with mention of journals, camps, research, wit and so on...
and your essay.
This is an admission essay where you must assume that person you are competing is better than you.
Right, enough of criticism... I would like a witty opening like something that reflects your reflects your personality. I wrote few months back in my essay on how I am a geek and every college needs all sort to have a complete diverse community. I wrote it to bring a smile on essay reviewer face and make him more attentive towards my essay. HAVE AN INTRO THAT REFLECTS YOU.

Need to talk about your major and don't fake it. They'll catch you. You must write why you want to do that particular major and also why from this particular university. I read a guy's essay and was highly impressed how he said that I have been researching on this Project in Bio and how this particular univ. specializes in this field.... you know he linked the college to himself. You need to something like that to.

Talk about some of your passions apart from education. Here's where the father, struggle and all determination para can come in. Link all these factors and conclude the whole essay in an informal and positive manner that they must want to meet you.

Hope this helps....

Undergraduate / Anchor to a world that seems far away-Common Application Essay [2]

One major thing Juliano....
This is your admission essay and not your father's. With due respect to him, he should not be center of the whole essay. It has to be you.


Why this did not appeal to me.... I spent few minutes thinking but could not figure out the reason. Shorten it... and try to be more emotional than well, words. Would write back to you if I figure this out.

After the rebellion.... this is where your essay takes off from the run way. Your inspirational father- his hard work and your motivation. Good but still needs polishing. I want to see more off you like I said.... You are center off attention and instead of that I get a perfect picture of your father rather than you. Get it.... That's where this essay loses steam.

You have a good theme, your circumstances were difficult and everything is set... you need to put it together.
I'll get back if I can figure that para of your's.
Hope this helps.... :)

Undergraduate / "I am a poor traveler" - common app. Something about think and travel. [2]

To be honest, this is a school essay not a college essay. Both are very different, you must understand.
Right now, this is not a creative writing competition or something of that sort but a college entrance essay. This has to reflect your personality, your achievements and extra facts that your resume may or may not say. Along with that, you need to mention why you are pursuing the particular major you have applied for and so on...

My problem with this essay is that its a misfit. Why are you writing this to the college admission committee? What does it show about you or anything...?

There is no problem in writing something different... and you should write something different but it has to show something. Not just one aspect of your personality but many... they must feel your a great addition for the college campus.

Traveling and you may just be a page... in your personal diary or your autobiography, if you write that :) but not for admission essay. Be cool, natural and a little informal but never forget that this a competitive essay which is fighting for a seat with other applicants in thousands.

Hope this helps.... :)

Undergraduate / Academic Excellence and Christian Values ; Pepperdine [4]

Your essay has no introduction. Let the essay know how this play process started... you know the anticipation, the hard work and then finally the satisfaction. Talk about more things... Please do put up the essay prompts or question by the college....however, I am assuming that you have written a personal statement. You need to mention more details like your major, why you want to do that major and why that particular college. That makes you sound mature and really sorted out person... one who knows what he wants to achieve. Talk about your personality... that is not just your catholic part but also your passions and how you would like to continue in college. Sound multi dimensional and not just uni-dimensional.

Hope this helps... :)

Undergraduate / "my compassion for others" - Vet tech essay [3]

Hi Siobhan! I hope you do get in the college. I think you can easily get in this college provided you have a great essay... your gpa then would not be such an issue.

Your first para is a big put off. Personal statements do not mean that you start discussing your one good quality.
I started my personal essay... with a humor. That catches attention. It worked for me but you are totally different. So, think about portraying your self. Tell the essay more about yourself. When your handling personal statement....

1)be specific 2) Appreciate yourself without boasting 3) Talk about what all you have done ( I talked about where I was from, I passion for camps... so on )...MAKE THEM WANT TO MEET YOU. 4)Talk about your major... why you want to do this and why this college( when you say why this college... mention some research project they are doing and talk about being fascinated and you know want to be part of such projects in future.)


Nice... However not wether its whether.
The 4th point that I have mentioned ....you have covered that. You love animals (nice to know that :) ] you essay reflects your love. No doubt. But let me see more of you. Let the animals be one para in your personal essay. Either you don't write a personal essay and write on issue that you feel for... for that you would need to tone the essay differently but if its personal essay then tone remains and matter changes. Read up a few personal statements.... on the forum and then accordingly, whatever seems best to you do that...because personal statements reflect you and your character.

Hope this helps.... :)

Undergraduate / (the absence of religion) Rice: What perspective do you bring to life at Rice? [4]

Matt....I would love to meet you and talk to you. Your thoughts and way of thinking seems very radical and out of the box.

This essay has a great theme saying that there is a grey world and not "black" and "white". The best part of the essay is YOU. You have portrayed your thoughts and your growing up instead of a lecture.


So true... this is good.


Let's have a new para here with you and your uncle your society and your thoughts.... Focus on it because that's like the punch in your essay.

I love your essay ... its by far the best essay in this forum.... :) Great Job.

Undergraduate / "I absorbed Mr. Fleming's teachings" - Princeton Supplement (significant person) [7]

Hi Andrew!
I didn't quite like the tone in the first para about your feelings towards the teacher. There is a difference between being informal and rude and I think you do tend a few times to ruder side.

Let me show you like...



The second one is good sort which does indulge a smile but the first one could me made better.


There is no need for "this man".... Is there?


I love this line. I can just imagine you, your feeling and this is a genuinely good line with a lame ending cause I think tennis does not make you embarrassed which would have been true if you were learning ballet(as a boy..)

On the whole, my aim is to show you there are few lines that need to be improved to give that punch and soul the essay. Your English is good- clean and simple without being childish. Just need tone the essay...

Hope this helps... :)

Undergraduate / "Green electricity, conservation, and other reductions" - Why colby [3]

Quite nice. Simple and clean.
Okay, what I would suggest you is that use some better phrases.


Avoid this...


You see it sounds very arrogant.
Otherwise fine... see if you can add a line on some environmental project they are working on and you interested in it.
:)

Undergraduate / taking one course at a time - "Why I want to apply to Colorado College" [3]

Hey, Look first thing.... Is there a word restriction in this essay.
If no, there is too little of matter here. Nothing impressive in the essay.
Just do one thing tell us the word restriction and then I'll give a proper feedback. Otherwise, its like aiming in the dark.
I'll keep in touch... post up the word restriction as soon as possible.

Alright, assuming there is no word restriction or we have 700 to 1000 words. This is a very poor attempt.
Every essay has a introduction, a body and a conclusion. It seems you are throwing chunks of plots at us.
How did you learn about Colorado College?
Talk about the major here.... some research in that major that college is working on and then link yourself to it. It shows you took pains to read the college website. Seriously, that's a better way to show love for the college then just by empty words.

The reason you're saying for applying to Colorado is babyish. I mean, just because you don't have to handle many subjects at the same time means you're afraid of workload. I maybe blunt and you may not be what I am saying but what I am saying is writing is showing us this character.

Compare somebody who wants to join the college to be a part of some great aspect of the university not because he wants to avoid workload.


How can you say that without attending the college. Look the college does not pat in the back from the students. They want to know HOW YOU CAN CONTRIBUTE?


Didn't get it! I mean how does career aspiration enter here?
Is this the conclusion line?
An admission essay needs to impress the fact you are an ideal choice for the college. An admission essay does not need to impress the fact that the college is an ideal choice for you. That is already understood because you are applying to the college that the college is your choice. So, show that you are unique and that you are an ideal person for this admission. This should be the theme for "why do you wish to attend this college?"

Hope this helps.... :)

Undergraduate / naive child, big world UC Prompt 2 [2]

Enrique... Hi!
I would not agree with this essay.


Are you going for war?? This is a admission essay... your essay to say that you are an ideal person for their academic curriculum, campus and a person who will be more than just a student. So, this essay fulfills none of the above checklists. Now, problem here that okay its a challenge but is that how you take a challenge?! Even if you were scared then you don't admit it. There are no rewards for honesty here... be smart.

Also, look at Para 1,2,3,4....no connections. No linking lines or a flow. It is very jerky essay. Where are you in the essay?


Just by saying its your greatest strength you can't wrap it up. Can you? I mean if there was another person with same qualifications then what? So, sound more sensible.... talk about the major you are opting for... ( Is it a language major you are applying for... if yes,that can be used for connection.) Add a line or so, about some award in writing or something you received in English or Italian to show your command and commitment to work.

I hope you get the drift. Post up a new draft and we'll work on it more.
Hope this helps.... :)

Undergraduate / "This naive American girl impacted me" - University of Texas (Austin) Essay [4]

Kevin!!!! Thanks for pointing it out.


See, what I meant was that (I agree the above review was not my best) but that Chole I don't think its unwise to write about cultural insensitivity. The point is that if you touch cultural essay it needs to be perfect - the perfect balance of sensitivity and understanding. The essay here fails to strike the right cord, so it may become controversial. The committee would not approve of a person who they feel may be insensitive.

Once again, I don't have slightest intention of saying your a fundamentalist but your "writing" may be a cause for concern. We can't take the risk. Which is why I would suggest that you avoid this topic. Very few can really take up this topic and do justice to it. The admission essay is not somewhere you be all honest because someone else maybe smart and snatch away "your" seat.

Its your call on the topic but the essay needs to be worked on.

Graduate / ANTHROPOLOGY graduate admissions statement of purpose (California Santa Cruz) [7]

Help others to make it better!

Undergraduate / "This naive American girl impacted me" - University of Texas (Austin) Essay [4]

NO. Chole... this may be a person who is close to you but I can't impact that is strong enough.
By mentioning all this you just show yourself as a fundamentalist even though you write I have changed.(which comes by the way in the last para.)

Maybe you need to write something more thought provoking. Frankly, I don't see the transition. The essay's basic fault is that it does not concentrate on being a transition. Its needs more self realization and some introspection and all that.

I wrote about a 500 or 400 words essay for Texas Austin and that was accepted. But I applied as an freshman so don't if you are a transfer and their requirements are different...anyway, just that if you are a freshman just go for 500 words. Let the feelings, emotion and some dilemma come in your essay. Once that comes we can work more on content and editing.

Write 10000 words and post it up....we'll edit it. But tell the essay more about yourself, the girl and the change. Focus on growing up and changing of way you thought.

Post up a new draft and I'll certainly help that out. :)

Undergraduate / What event or experience is important to you and why is important? [4]

Kenni... the point needs to be more emotional. The sentences and words are sounding of whiner and not of a winner.


Your starting is a very bland. AND THE ENGLISH IS WRONG---ALL TENSES IN ONE SENTENCE!!!

Talk about how looking at other kids accomplishing so many little things that we do not value made me realize how important every small thing is life. I have learnt to be more appreciative of life. Keep thinking and you will come up with more points.

Parents need not be mentioned in that way. Say it did depress me for sometime but it was motivation from my parents and-----(anyone you can think off).

It was not easy as everyday I had to watch others around yet I went on.... some thing in me had lit the fire to rise above all odds. Think of something more provocative and emotional.

Hope this helps... :)

Undergraduate / "George from Of Mice and Men" - Fictional Character- Common App Essay [2]

Kayley... come on you can do better than that.
What was this was my first and last question.
There is no story.... no personal touch(


is not showing personal touch.)
Talk about the character.... how he has influenced you to do something worthwhile... let me remind you that this is a admission essay where you are competing with kids from world over. There will be kids with great qualifications or great activities or work experience or something. Read your essay and judge where do you stand infront of them.

Really, is that it? I mean all through your high school, teenage life and everything all you could learn is caring for brother. Excuse me, everyone including me as I have small brother care for him. Does that make you different?

I think before writing ...go through some essays on forum and see what people write. Read the comments and most of all do not try to impress the admission committee. Tell the essay something about yourself and then see the wonders.

I understand that I have been a little a harsh but this is a admission essay and I would not like to be someone who gives false pretenses. Believe in yourself and rack your brains.... I am sure there is the something special in you will reflect in your essay.

Hope this helps... :)

Faq, Help / A piece of advice to new EF members - get involved! [8]

I certainly agree.
Don't just say "please people....help...."or "hey guys, very urgent...".
If you help in turn others will help you.


Great thought Ershad.

Undergraduate / "My soccer career; I had broken my collar bone" (meaningful event UF essay) [2]

Hello,
Let me say one thing before reviewing is that even if they write that tell us about some or the other significant experience.... even then you have mention everything that is reflecting you. The personal touch is there in the essay but tending all always to negative. That was one major drawback.... you need to show your positive and not a whiner. Okay.

PARA 1: So, informal. I know nothing of what you were feeling. It should like... one insane moment and... goalie clipped my feet... Those lines are needed in few places and not in excess to add some flavor to the essay.

PARA 2: No linking.... Psychology and mathematics have no connection. A essay needs to be linked very beautifully to be a smooth and appealing read to the readers. AND THAT'S YOUR AIM... MAKE THE ADMISSION COMMITTEE SIT UP AND NOTICE YOU. ;)

PARA 3:


ummmm.... wouldn't it be better to say how how life has made you responsible. Keep the tone not of worry but of challenge and overcoming it. AND HOW THIS MADE YOU READY FOR COLLEGE CHALLENGES..

Post a new draft with some of these changes so we can work more on it.
Hope this helps... :)

Undergraduate / An Engineer in the Making - UWM Admissions Essay [2]

Hi Zeith!
I tried to find a reason why I didn't like....well, can't say I didn't like it but somewhere it did not appeal.

I guess, it is because you did not choose to write the next part of question that is what would you like to say to the admission committee.

Try to come across as witty and hardworking. I love this engineering part not because there some great things done by you but its sounds very honest and earnest. Great writing style.... clean and simple.

Squeeze this that is all that you have written in about two paras maximum and add something more about you. But if you have done so in your first prompt.... then talk more about your


This is a very important and strong aspect. Would suggest you to break it new para as it should be highlighted and not blurred in between few lines. THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.

Try to be more than an engineer... Hope this helps... :)

Undergraduate / Walking to class, making new friends, and having experiences - Rutgers admission [2]

Hi Paulo!
I feel this essay is only talking about only a single point in different styles. I feel this essay lacks substance.... and is very below average essay.


I want to know what is so different about you.... like your passions, your major choice and what prompted that choice, what are your extra skills.... like that.

You have not touched any of the above mentioned points. Also talk knowledgeably about the college like what research interests you (which must be linked to your major... ) that shows you have researched and taken pains over the college. This shows you love the college more than just by saying.

Make these changes and then we can work on the punch lines and all that. But be multi colored and not mono.... :) Post the second draft quickly. Hope this helps...

Undergraduate / Advertising, Journalism? - ESSAY FOR HARVARD, UCHICAGO, AMERICAN, CARNEGIE [15]


BANG ON.

Sarah... life is well, something like a circle. Maybe some flowers bloom early and some late.... you maybe the late bloomers.

Okay, even though you have mentioned that you have fire and strength.... can't feel it in your writing.
The beginning is useless. There is no substance and its just decorative words. These are only used in speeches not essays. Start positive and end positive. Let me see a little of your character. Admission committee is going to reject you because you are not an asset to their college community.

Like I write many reviews where I ask the writer to compare themselves against somebody who is cheerful, witty, sensible and positive. You should write about your passions( EG: Animals or something)... then write about your background like your culture and your parents.... {just a few lines to show who you are and why you are different.... even ordinary is different :) }

Your major.... why do you want to do this... what have you done substantial like articles, journals, camps, something that proves that what you say and want to do is not mere faffing in air but your dream.

One para should be your past which should also show that I have faced challenges and I am ready for the challenge of the college. ONLY ONE PARA NOT A WORD... OR EVEN A LETTER MORE.

DO NOT SAY YOU ARE


NO ONE IS GOING TO GIVE YOU A CREDIT FOR THAT. IF YOU DO NOT THINK YOUR WORTHY THAN HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ADMISSION COMMITTEE TO THINK THAT. Change your attitude towards life and then it would reflect in your writing.

REVAMP THE ESSAY. This would be given even a thought by A.C. in places like CHICAGO, HAVARD and so on. Remember, you must make them happy.... even if things have to be altered completely. Hope this helps and post up a new personality... okay... ;)

Faq, Help / My and EssayForum - A bond... [8]

Yes! I got in University of Colorado Boulder... :)
Couldn't believe it.... and many thanks to essay forum for the being the torch leading towards the exit of the tunnel.
Thanks a lot guys... YO!

Undergraduate / "Unique experiance through playing guitar" College Essay [8]

Hi Bret!
Okay, The beginning is good but don't write about pain ruins the effect of other lines ( some which are very good).
Some lines were genuinely brilliant... like "metal fingers...." ; " I would move my finger..."; " drove my family insane...(HA HA)". ;)GREAT!!!!!!! Some of these lines are very very good.

Personal essay does not mean one single idea. It means 500 words, you need to put in your skills( that is in your case guitars), your ambitions and your extra activities.

You need to show you are a well rounded person and not just a guitarist. Frankly, if there is an competition between X and you where X mentions the camps he has been to... the research he has done... what are interesting fact about which would add on to their campus( like culture or background) then... you must remember that in an admission essay- you are in a race. Your essay needs to clear all laps before others.

Revamp the idea of the essay or the theme...
Be confident.. and I say this not to scare but.... Only mentioning guitar is a risk.... So, post up one more draft then we can work on editing and grammar of the essay. Okay, hope this helps... :-)

Undergraduate / Perspective on Journalism and Music: Northwestern Supplement Essay (qualities) [7]

There are reasons why this essay would not reach the level it ought to.

1) This is very formal writing, you see... it lacks emotion in the essay. Be a little eased out and a little informal in your writing. The beginning or ending have to be really good and should make an impact.

2)In the second para where you talk about university--- your sentences lack a sequence. I feel its a little jerky. Make the thing flow.


The first one is not showing that you were so mature and aware about college work but is an unnecessary statement which sounds a little over mature person. You're a freshman and not a fifty year old. Show your different (but don't make it slack). ;)

The second sentence is again not good because neither witty nor informative nor an achievement nor ... I mean why write this?

3)







ISN'T IT AN OVERDOSE...????

You need to improve your style and thought. The point is that this essay is long, boring and more "I" oriented where every few lines later there is a line showing your "passionate" ... and nothing else.

I mean, the committee would wonder.." If so passionate, have you written any journals, gone for extra camps like rafting, hiking... what have you done?" Everyone researches, so that doesn't make you different. If, you have done something then write that.

Just make these changes and others what you may feel... also what others post up. Second draft would help us give more suggestions. Its like if you keep posting with changes the next person can immediately work on the corrected one so, the improvement becomes faster.

Hope this helps... :)

Undergraduate / As I sit at dawn, the rising sun hovers over the awoken daisy: Personal Statment 2011 [3]

There is certainly a lot of work that is required to make this better.
1) The opening is lame. Its neither eye catching nor gives a description about you. Frankly, I don't want to know whether you love flowers unless there is a strong point attached to it. A strong point means means maybe a humor punch line which makes the reader smile or is related to you in way more than just... liking for flowers.

2) Your parents para is very lame, once again as no distinctive quality about your parents is written. Once again, all parents want good future for their children (not many... all).... the point is its a senseless statement.

What is your father like?
How has he inspired you?
How has your mother shaped your world? Your link them is important because this is an admission essay about you not them.

3) Your major and photographer and all that is not linked at all. That sounds like a child fantasy and not like a mature person ready to go college.

Talk about some summer camps.... How that has shaped your personality?
Talk about your culture and how you are different....remember this is tricky part. Okay, so be subtle about how you can be a asset and don't BOAST. The college admission does not want information about your culture (for that they can go to wiki)... so talk like informally... about what appeals to you about it... think about it!

Talk about WHY THIS PARTICULAR COLLEGE is an ideal choice for you. Go to their site and review some researches in your desired field of major and link it up... how you wish to be part of it and all that.... it shows you took pains to read their site and are passionate about their college.

Rework this and post it so we will work on it more.... Don't be stressed because if you have selected balanced colleges that is colleges within your reach... you will get in. Okay. I got in 3 days ago in Colorado Boulder within quite average marks but a cool essay . Bring out your personality and prepare a strong essay... all will become well. Hope this helps... :)

Undergraduate / "The Art of Argument" - My struggle with the Common App Essay [3]

No, don't be worried but be confident- and IT SHOULD BE ENGAGING ENOUGH otherwise, the essay reviewer may not go through it because well, nobody is interested in a laundry list of a kid or a thesis on a issue. So, keep it to maximum 1000 words and not more at all.

What I feel that you want to write on an impressive topic like ART OF ARGUMENT which has no connection to you. Aims and Points.... be quick 'cause time is ticking. Choose a topic that is close to your heart. Show how you are different and cool person... that they would love to add on their campus.

Forget this ART OF ARGUMENT unless, you really feel for this.
I'll tell you something interesting... I was applying UT Austin and had to choose an issue of importance to you or world and all that. I looked up on Disarmament, Euthanasia, and what not. Nothing worked and end of it I wrote on Animals for which feel and have passion. Then only, the essay speaks volume.

So, if you have a connection with this topic and have something really juicy to say... GO FULL STREAM.
If not, plan out quickly and move forward. I hope this helps... :]
ps: I am sorry, if I was a little harsh but just wanted to forewarn you about my mistake. By, the way I got the call from UT. So, be confident.... big surprises come in small packages. :)

Undergraduate / Jakarta, Indonesia (where you come from) + "tinkering with objects" (talent, quality) [4]

Prompt 1:
What I feel was wrong here was that it lacks good lines. A good story... though strayed a little off topic.
Topic is describe your world.... would like to know more about you. In your essay, there is a lack of personality. Your camps, some skills need to be mentioned. Not like... I did this... and I did that... but subtly say it in your essays. Talk a line or so on what has influenced your decision for the major your opting. That is so very important.

1)Could there be a better beginning? I would like you to think a little more on that.... not very important just... you know.
2) Edit the "life trials" line. Its very cheesy....
3)


WHOA! A line or two before you were a late speaker and without any linking line, you have learnt a whole language. (That's the idea I get from what you have written, even if you don't mean it).

Add a line or so to show what it took to overcome... show yourself as a fighter against all odds.... show you stood strong as an adult in the family during this period and MOST of all don't forget that this is your self defining moment in the essay... grab it and use it show how you became a mature person from a child.

4)


DO NOT SAY THIS... Impossible is a word that guarantee's -10 for your essay. People with no legs have climbed mount. Everest. So...
5)


Once again, you have shown transition without any punch line... (Breach the word limit, if there is any and let the writing flow... editing is very easy.)

Portray yourself.... a strong idea is there in the essay which lacks a base to be a great essay.

Prompt 2:
No no no.... the topic is... well, okay, you can write that but its not impressive enough. This is not a creative writing competition but an admission essay where you are competing with 40,000 essays. Look at it... read it.... and think is this different?

I am sorry, I am a little blunt but this is your admission essay and I feel this totally different from the Prompt 1 because this is a random thought.

Try to connect you skill with the major you are opting... then link with the college like how UC is the dream for you and how it would help you achieve all your goals ... get the drift.

Loads of work on the second essay is needed but you are a good writer. You have clean writing style which shows you are decent. Lets get organized.... :) Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / "the continual guidance of these virtues" - FSU - "Vires, Artes, Mores" [4]

Hello, Kaleigh.

This is a average essay. Thousands of such essay come and go but nobody notices them.

Okay,
1) There is no personal touch... you know a slight humor or a little punch line to not make the essay mono...

2) This seems like a laundry list of all your achievements. Agreed, the skills and all that has to be shown but needs to be done in a more subtle and interesting manner.

Add something... because your matter in Vires and so on is not linked. The essay has to be linked and that is very crucial.

3)


Why????? What inspired you? You need to be more precise and not vague since you are now stepping in your college and this is not a school essay. You need to sound mature, good natured and a person all sorted out about his life...(whatever the topic is) because we need to show that you are an interesting personality who can be integrated into the college community.

Be yourself and repost this essay with some more content and then we can rework it better...

Hope this helps... :)

Undergraduate / "Life-Changing Night at the Bohemian Grove" - Common App Essay [2]

Hmmmm... Tanner. Its not serving the purpose. To elaborate, there is no mistake in your essay. But its weak. Weak in the sense that the impact is--- one line!!!!!!!


Is that it?


This should be the high point of the story you're telling us. Let's hear how what point of which story struck and struck you hard me. Move this line up. Remove some superfluous information and start. Let the essay speak words without you writing it. For that my suggestion is to read as many essay related to this. That you can form the structure.

Bring more of you in the essay and WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO AND EVEN BETTER MENTION SOME WORK YOU HAVE DONE. It gives volume to the essay that would be great.

Rework the content and I think it should turn out fine. Hope this helps.... :)

Undergraduate / "A hunger i found so deeply rooted in myself" - UC Prompt [2]

Hi Dilllion. I hope this helps....

First Para: It serves no purpose. In terms too many superfluous words that give a little of what you were feeling. The anticipation.... The feelings you only best know. ;)


Expand this thought.

Second Para:


I didn't get this.... How come you started introducing. Did you know anyone? I mean whom where you introducing and why?

Third Para:


Wrong English.

Fourth Para:


GREAT! A very good line indeed.

Discussing the third and fourth para....
the transaction was a little jumpy. See if you can do anything about it.... Personally, all through the essay you have saying how ignorant you were about this. Let's add a little info on the job.

Overall good.... a little more on content, grammar and "better beginning". This would quite a nice essay.
:)

Undergraduate / "my goals when studying abroad" - what would you bring to the diversity [6]

Huyen.... this sounds very much like a documentary on Dan Bau. Nowhere have you mentioned yourself... your connection to it( special bond)... Something unique.

Frankly, I could find most of information on Wikipedia. How does this essay stand out.

Let's see... Firstly, what is the point in the essay you want to say. Right now, its like giving a description on Dan Bau. So, bring an angle which shows you and this instrument.

I think the content needs to be worked.


This embarrassed me. If your father reads this.... it should be so painful. This is rude and offensive statement that shows you have a cheap sense of humor.

I would suggest the whole para to be DELETED without another thought.

A personality that comes across as a nice, hardworking, cheerful and most of all pleasing is a immediate turn on for the admission committee.
I hope this helps....
PS: I maybe a little harsh so you can wait for Mark and Kevin's reply to analysis the essay.

Undergraduate / "World of innocence gone to a world of evil"- Describe the World You Come From [6]

Britney, you are portraying a wrong message here. To not take drugs and stuff is not something you stand on the terrace and shout a loud (only when you take them its a big deal!) ...

There are many like you who don't take these things and show more character. Many have have parents who encourage their children to do better. The first two para's.... what you write is minimum expectation of a students character. Nothing different....

GRAMMAR IS VERY BAD. The whole essay has very few sentences grammatically correct... such as...


Even, the education part.... I was taught by my mother. Kids have written journals, done research and gone for camps and have been tempted to do wrong things...not all turn that way... So, we must not state the obvious and say something different.

Where are your accomplishments? You have not mentioned your interests, your ambitions and how this college would help you achieve it? Let us get the matter straight and then we can work the grammar.

Hope this helps... :)

Undergraduate / Influenced by strong family traditions-UCF Undergraduate Essay [6]

Grace... THIS IS NOT AT ALL WHAT THEY ARE ASKING....! You have just described one ritual and what purpose does it solve? This essay is a question which is based on the family and culture, but basically is question....who are you? What is different about you? AND EXPLAIN, how are you different?

This is a very poor essay, where I cannot know you at all. What are the traditions that make you different? What are the qualities? How has your family made you what you are? How have family and background affected your career choice?(The last may not be necessary but would be great if you could add.)

Add some more meat and post it up for reviewing. Tell your essay something about yourself.
:) Hope this helps...
PS: Do not take the harshness personally... it is only that essay is an integral part of the application and one needs a perfect essay to show.

Undergraduate / Twin essay for UMiami. I have high testscore and a low gpa, so this essay is crucial! [6]

The point is not about repeating your resume. You need to mention your resume details very sly. It should not be highlighted but also should not be omitted.

You need show yourself as a strong character who can take decisions and can cope with university work. Things can be said without writing. ;)

Undergraduate / "my three month stay in the hospital" -evaluate a signifcant experience in your life [3]

This essay.... is very difficult to critique. I don't understand the mood of the essay at many times. It gets light and serious so often, that its ruining the effect. I strongly believe that essays require a pinch of humor and all that... however, its not going with the theme.


ARE YOU LIKE TRYING TO RUIN YOUR CHANCE HERE? Why are running yourself down so much. Nobody is going to give you kudos on,
"Oh! This kid is so honest..." no! It will be counted as a negative that you have a confidence deficit. Also, you running many others like your parents/guardians down. Also, word "thankfulness" is wrong which should be "thankfully"... is a poor way of showing flippancy even after treatment.


This para is full of grammar mistakes and needs a lot of work. I would suggest to edit it completely. Let's focus on some other things.

Other things like...
1) Your self introspection in the hospital on your life..
2) Your accepting yourself and your "weight"....
3) Thankful of the coach who got me out of that quick sand..
4) How, today I am a better and happier person...

Incorporate these ideas in the next para's and just round it off with a decent conclusion.
Hope this helps.... :)

Undergraduate / My Experience with Autism - Penn State Personal Statement [7]

John, its too...let's just say, only words. See, there is a lack of emotions in the essay.


Are you sure about that? There are incidents which are worse.


We know what is the meaning of Autistic and that need not be explained. Its a waste of precious words. Another important point is that how did your brother's illness affect you?

Simply, because he is Autistic does not answer all things. If, your brother would have written this, it would have been acceptable that I overcame the hurdles and all that.... that would be genuine and touching. However this answering nothing.

Where is the talk about yourself? I have no idea about you character?
Your experience? What was it about your brother's illness that hit you hard? The pity that people gave or something which you certainly know better.... then you can link that with the volunteer work. This motivated me... so on.





A little too much.... again and again the thought is rotated slightly and written which is why I said this is a lame essay and an essay which answers nothing.

Hope this helps. :)

Undergraduate / Twin essay for UMiami. I have high testscore and a low gpa, so this essay is crucial! [6]

No, unfortunately this is a very bad put off essay. I have a slight blunt way of saying things but since you have a low g.p.a.... a lot depends on your essay.

Frankly, for about 3/4 essay, you are running yourself down and then coming to the point. And the point is not presented well.
Admission committee may draw a conclusion from this,
1)You are not able stand up on your feet.
2) You have a confidence deficit.


Also, I don't think they would like the para where you discuss with them..your childhood. They would not go" awww.." over this and you need to understand that. You have strayed off the topic in the whole essay.

Where is the being a kid shell.... and that phase description?
Where is the first step that you took and started to find your own voice?
Where are the hurdles you faced without your sister... and HOW DID YOU OVERCOME THEM?
These are the most important details. We need to show you were an introverted person but now you are doing a lot... you are participating and now, you have basically grown up.

Hope this helps...
:)