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Posts by riny
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Jan 7, 2011
Threads: 13
Posts: 26  

From: Japan

Displayed posts: 39
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riny   
Jan 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should the government choose university subject for students? [3]

Q) Some people think the students should take the subjects which are decided by the government in the university. Others think that student can apply for the subjects they prefer. Discuss the two situations and give your opinion.

Several controversial opinions are raised when people discuss whether the government forces students to take particular university subjects. Some people strongly agree with this suggestion, whereas others argue that students should choose the subjects by themselves. To some extent, I believe the latter opinion for several compelling reasons. In this essay, both sides of positive and negative aspects will be discussed.

First of all, there is an important meaning that the government provides academic subjects for undergraduate students. This is because, if the number of students increase in certain subjects, the nation should compensate a lack of professionals in particular area with new employees. The area of medicine, for instance, is always having a problem of an employees' deficiency. Therefore, it is reasonable that the government promotes students to participate in the study of medicine including doctors and nurses. Moreover, it is assumed that this encouragement contributes to national economy in the future.

On the other hand, some sociologists strongly oppose this opinion. These people often think that various fields of study provide many types of people who have diverse perspectives. For example, arts and athletics do not affect national economy directly, however, it can cultivate brilliant general population. Students' rights to choose study subjects also vital to consider about their fairness and equality. Furthermore, a spontaneous application for subjects leads to students' self-confidence and self-esteem.

Based on aforementioned contentions, there are various advantages in both sides of opinion. Although, the government's choice may affect national economy, I think a respect students' rights outweighs the former theory.
riny   
Jan 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay-unhealthy diet and do not enough exercise [3]

Humans health has become ...when you talk about the time (present) you have to use the parfect tense.

In order to haveacheive or gaina healthy physical conditions, people from all over the world should addres facethe similar problems that they havesuch as unhealthy diet and do not have enougha lack of exercise.

this sentence is a bit too long...

suffisient vocabularies and good structure!
riny   
Jan 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / University is the place where people seek to further develop their expertise [4]

their expertise and knowledge

support their causes (?)

to take a degree that's more widely accepted, to gain knowledge and insight into an industry, or simply to deepen their research interests in a certain field

sufficient vocabularies!! but some sentences are hard to understand...u can make it more simple :)

good luck!
riny   
Jan 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / ielts: cultural heritage used to attract tourists and promote tourism [6]

the traditional culture can better understand and appreciates

In On the other hand...you should not use repetition.

traffic sector, shop sector, hotel sector, can have a deep development
-how about...sector of infrastructure, industries and tourism can achiece significant development.

people's lives

some are worried about it
riny   
Dec 20, 2010
Writing Feedback / Ielts: Charleen's talent and parent's perspectives [NEW]

Q) It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sports and music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

A)
There are several controversial opinions about children's ability and training. Some parents force children to learn one particular thing, while others just support children's choice. To some extent, I believe latter opinion. In this essay, both sides of perspectives and positive and negative influences on children will be discussed.

First of all, a child who has an incredible talent in certain field such as music and art, they are very enthusiastic to learn skills without parent's induction. The time spent for training is not a matte because these children are just enjoying what they are doing. Unless parents restrict them, these children can vastly enhance their potential abilities.

On the other hand, there are a number of children who achieve their objectives without talents. These children are often forced to practice certain skills by their parents. This action brings negative consequences to children's development. Persisting in just one particular field may lead children to have limited opportunities to learn other important skills such as interpersonal skills and cognitive development. In fact, some young people do not have enough time to interact with their friends due to their strict training schedule.

In addition, some sociologists suggest that these youngsters forced to take training by their parents, tend to lose their self-esteem and self-confidence in order that they have to make a effort to fulfil their parents' wishes. It is truly pathetic that some children suppress their actual wishes for their parents.Thus there are many negative affects which attribute to teaching children to become talented person.

Hence, parents should realize what is the most important thing for their children. If parents change their point of view and support children's wishes, they can develop their various abilities in many ways.
riny   
Dec 20, 2010
Writing Feedback / IELTS the advantages and disadvantages of the prevalent of English [2]

With the development of globalization, English has becomethea dominated language in inter national trades , conferences and many important events.

Some people claim that the prevalent of English brings a great number of benefits for people. First of all, it promotes the communication and interaction between different countries more conveniently and clearly.

However, the opponents believe that the dominated status of English hashave destroyed culture diversity and many less-used languages become extinct. Even English is a sophisticated language; it does not express every detail of life especially in Asian countries, which have totally different linguistic system.

Personally, English as an elegant language should be advocated in many fields to expand the global trade and communications. But, we still need to preserve other languages for sake of keeping the linguistic and cultural diversity.
riny   
Dec 20, 2010
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay "Should high school make music lessons compulsory" ? Opinion [4]

Moreover, if musical activity involves many participants, there will be co-operation and developed team work in the group, which is, of course, beneficial in their future life.

and

In fact, students with a quite poor academic background can show themselves in the music. Consequently, the calm atmosphere in the class might be created.

I felt these sentences are not connected well. I think they are diffrent topics.
You can spesify why it's benefitial in the future.

students with a quite poor academic background can show themselves in the music
-do you mean some students have a special talent for music?
riny   
Dec 2, 2010
Writing Feedback / Why do we need to study history? [3]

Q) To some people studying the past has little value in the modern world. Why do you think it is important to do so? What will be the effect if children are not taught history?

In recent years, people have been paying more attention towards the field of technology and science. On the other hand, the importance of study history has been gradually fading from compulsory school curriculum. I strongly believe that history class should not be abandoned. In this essay, several advantages od study history will be discussed.

First of al, studying history can contribute to children significant skills to live. learning how to analyse material, research and do basic sorting can enhance children's interpretation and thinking skills. An improvement of thinking skills also leads to children's mental flexibility and strength when the faced difficulties. This process gives children wider view of the world.

In addition, tradition does not hold people back. In fact, it helps people to build the future. For instance, people learn a great amount of skills such as the post events. Regretful experiences such as the post war of the world and incidents related to nuclear bombs give people how to prevent repetition of undesired experiences in the future. If children did not learn history, they will repeat same mistakes in the future.

However, it is significant fact that many of children and young adults do not understand the importance of study history. This tendency should be reconsidered immediately.

In conclusion, leaning history plays a significant role in the present and the future lives in the society. To encourage children to become more interested in the history, the administration of education must provide more opportunities in the field of history for children as well as technology and science class.
riny   
Dec 2, 2010
Writing Feedback / Ielts : Young people's awareness of global issues [4]

Q) Young people are much more aware of and concerned about issues like the environment, poverty and animal welfare than previous generations. What is your opinion?

In recent years, young people have been paying more attention towards various problems in the world. I strongly agree this trend and it should be more promoted by society for several compelling reasons. In this essay, the reason of the importance of these positive attitudes will be discussed.

First of all, environmental destruction is one of the biggest problems in the world. Although natural resources are limited, people have been using more and more these resources such as fuels without any concern over the decades. The huge gap between rich and poor nations also has serious issue in the current society. This is because developed countries do not give enough support for other developing countries suffered from poverty. Moreover, animals have been exploited by human for many ways such as animal experiments and entertainments.

Over the last half century, the fields of technology, education and economy have developed dramatically worldwide. According to this phenomenon, people have become more concerned about not only individual's life but also the various affairs occurring in the world.

Thanks to development of the technology, the opportunity to obtain a great amount of information has increased. Higher education also has played a significant role to produce sophisticated students. These achievements enable people to share their opinions and think about world issues. Thus, it is the best time to initiate reservation of environment, save people in poverty and reconsider the animal welfare because these issues should not be continued.

I conclusion, people must promote the action to resolve various issues in the world so that next generation will have better lives without any unfairness.
riny   
Dec 2, 2010
Writing Feedback / Ielts essay; I believe that companies' changing employees is acceptable. [3]

The fourth paragraph is similar to second one. My suggestion is that you can conbine both in one paragragh.

there are some repetition in essay, 'ïn order to' and following.

your point of view is reasonable, but some points are not clear.

I'm going to take ielts too :) I hope you will check my essay at some stage.

thanks
riny   
Dec 2, 2010
Writing Feedback / 'younger need thrill in their life' - young people enjoy life more than older [2]

they lost interest in learning new things and experienced about thrill.

Older people thinks

try to accomplish their demands

they are pressed their desire.

In Indian culture older people has have

to provides necessity things

heart attach attack

Although there are some grammatical mistakes, the essay structure is well organized.
good luck!
riny   
Nov 29, 2010
Writing Feedback / A new factory will be built in your hometown, do you agree or disagree? [3]

Q) A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influences on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

Building a large factory near my community obtains both negative and positive influences to the society. I believe it is a great idea to have a large factory to some extent. There are several compelling reasons for this.

The advantage of building a large factory is that it leads to an increase in employment and new residents coming from other area. According to an increase in the population, the number of shops and schools will increase. If an infrastructure improved, the economy of the region will develop dramatically. For example, some companies play a significant role in my hometown. These companies contribute to an increase in population and it affects many aspects of persons' life. People spend more money within the local area and the council provides better living opportunity by using the tax. Furthermore, the community spirit is more motivated as well as the economy improvement. This is because the city council will be able to capable to provide better community supports and to enhance the support system for people living in the society.

However, some people disagree this procedure. These people often think that a participation of a big company may leads to unpleasant consequence such as air and water pollution. Some people who live near the factory may be disturbed their lives by noise from the factory. In addition, there is a safety issue which influences the residents' lives. An increase in traffic by a number of tracks may cause car accidents. The amount of crime may increase by variety of people who do not know each other.

In conclusion, it is assumed that although there are some negative aspects of building a new factory, an effort of both company and city council can solve problems. If both sides compromise each other, building a factory will be beneficial for the future community.
riny   
Nov 29, 2010
Writing Feedback / "Where is the Line Defined?" - Argumentative Essay-no OUTSIDE SOURCES! [3]

a lot of Mustang Spirits .

Students ate and talked, while a lot of parents' barbequed food and laughed.This sentence is obscure.

because it could be dangerous.Why is it dengerous? you may need more specific reasons.

Is it really just fun and games?
question should be avoided at the end of writing... need stronger conclusion.

good luck :)
riny   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "the strengths and abilities to be a successful lawyer" PS for Law School [2]

Hello Whitney,

First, I was impressed your story.

It is fluent writing and easy to understand overall, but I thought some sentences are not suitable for academic writing as far as I concern (if it's casual writing, I like those words)

ex)

I can say with confidence that...

my love for law was no longer a spark nor constant flame, but a blazing fire.

my life and have the burning fire glow forever.

I don't know how to change thses words to formal way due to my luck of skills...sorry!
but ít might be better to think other expression. good luck with your study for the law.
riny   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Technology, community, lack of communication in my hometown - change [2]

This is one of IELTS writing task.

If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

In recent years, a lack of communication between people has been a significant issue in modern society. It is certainly true of my home town. In this essay, several reasons of the phenomenon and solutions will be discussed.

One of the biggest reasons is that people has lost their opportunities to interact with neighbours. There used to be various kinds of local communities few decades ago, however, less and less people participate in these communities because they are busy for work and study in a recent hectic society.

The development of technology also has lead to little relationship in the society. While people tend to spend more time at home by internet surfing, the conventional method of 'communication' is losing its importance.

A lack of connection within the community units may significantly influence the society. In fact, an increase in the amount of crime in my hometown is now one of the vital issues and many of them seem to be solved by the improvement of local communities.

To solve the issues, the local counsel should provide more practical community supports for citizens so that people can gather frequently to exchange their information. It is also important to have special occasions such as local festivals, meetings and educational classes in order to enhance person's quality of life too.

In conclusion, even though there are some issues of a lack of communication between people in my hometown, the problems can be solved by enhancement of community supports.
riny   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / I lost 2 boys.... common app essay [3]

Hi yada-san
I was impressed your essay, It was easy to understand, fluent and I could not find any grammatical mistakes (It might be because my skills is not enough...?)

I just thought the following sentences jumped the track a little bit..

In addition to my strong ability to communicate, I have strong skills in mathematics. I went on to the AMC10. I am currently dedicated to mastering the concepts of calculus and voluntarily attend all calculus classes possible. I also am learning about the concepts of probability and computations in statistics.

because the story about 2 boys went missing exemplifies the communication skills which you learned isn't it?

It's just a small thing though, I hope my comment assist your essay.
As i am japanese, I am very proud of you that you have great multicultural back ground!!
riny   
Nov 5, 2010
Writing Feedback / Negative influences of computers on children - essay [3]

Q: Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. Do you agree or disagree?

In the recent years, a number of children have used the internet devices. This has been driven by the technological breakthrough in modern society and it has enabled people to get a large amount of information much faster than before. In my strong opinion, the development of computer technology such as a form of the internet has contributed to child study significantly. However, there are several disadvantages too. In this essay, both advantages and disadvantages of computer usage among children will be discussed.

It is important fact that many children are using computer at school and home. Children can access to the website of a particular study field and get plenty of information. They also can discuss issues with other students via the internet. This action promotes children's self-education and positive attitudes towards the study.

However, the internet activities also have negative influence towards children. Inappropriate websites which contain sexual and violent scenes highly affect children. Some scientists suggest that these scenes influence child's mental health and increase the number of crime related to violence. The internet bullying is also serious problem in modern society. This is because a lack of communication caused by excess use of computer affects children's behaviour.

In conclusion, It is important that not only allowing children's using computers but also taking immediate action to solve these negative influences. The government should provide stronger restriction of the certain areas to prevent children accessing, and parents should supervise children's activities on the internet. An increase the opportunity to communicate within family units is also efficient strategy to avoid children's misuse of computers.
riny   
Nov 5, 2010
Undergraduate / "movie star job" - Career Goals paper [4]

this is my opinion though...
i don't think you do need to say that you don't know about your future carrer.
I think it is good idea just focus on the career as news caster and give more reasons.
riny   
Nov 5, 2010
Writing Feedback / "Nurture strongly influences early human development". Discuss. [4]

The innate factor might hashave been determined

The newborn have the more sensitive senses

the newborn's hearing, taste and smell sometimes may be better than the adult.
it may not true...

it can be improved by means of acquire

There is an old story

Good essay struction, good examle and vocabulary ;)
riny   
Nov 4, 2010
Writing Feedback / Should successful sports player get a great deal of money?? [4]

Q: Successful sports professionals can earn great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In recent years, professional sports players have received a great media attention worldwide. These sports professions such as golf and tennis players who won sports competitions often earn a huge amount of money. On the other hand, other professions like scientists and engineers have not had enough attention and the money they earn is significantly less than the sports players' rewards, even they have achieved highly important success in a certain field.

I strongly believe this trend in society is unfair. Discovery and success in the field of science and technology are more important than sports games. This is because these achievements contribute to the future study and human lives. A study of medicines, for instance, plays essential role to prevent malignant diseases such as cancer and AIDS. Thus, leading a healthy life in today's society must attribute to the accomplishment of professions' effort in medical technology. Therefore, the government should give a reward for these fields of science and technology rather than sports players.

However, some people think sports players are sacrificed their lives. These people are often living under a stress, since they do not have any confidentiality and their life styles are often exposed by the society. The great deal of money which is earned at one time of the competitions also compensates for their short period of career in their lives, because the early retirement is often unavoidable for players.

In conclusion, even though there are some reasons that sports professions are earning the great amount of money, other professions' hardship must be rewarded by the society as well as sports players.
riny   
Nov 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "never take anything for granted" - quality, talent writing style [6]

Yes, I think this essay a little bit too casual.

keep your cool and What a lie...these words can be altered to more academic words.

I like your explanaton of an example about relationship with a girl.

but as a girl, I simply happy if I've got a bunch of flowers!!! and I might forgive him!!
riny   
Nov 4, 2010
Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [413]

Hello everybody!!
wow there are many people from different countries :)

My name is Rina from Japan, I'm a nursing studend in Australia.
I've been studying english for a wgile but still poor in writing :(

This is because japanese schools don't have enough opportunity to write essay or talk engilish, so I am very struggring these probrems!! I have to take IELTS exam next year and I need each band 7.0...

I hope we can help each other and become great english speaker!
riny   
Nov 1, 2010
Writing Feedback / Isuues: Student behaviour at school [NEW]

Q:In many countries, schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the cause of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Can you please give me advices :) thanks!!

A large number of schools have issues regarding students behaviour in recent years and this is a vital problem in modern society. In my opinion, there are several compelling reasons for this issue. This essay will examine the cause of unpleasant child behaviour at school and its solutions.

It is significant fact that a number of children have become disrespectful to their teachers and this tendency has increased over the past decades. One of the reasons can be seen as a collapse of family functions. In recent years, many parents experience discord and divorce. This may lead to a deterioration of the connection between family members. If parents has divorced, single parent is busy for work and children become more isolated. This may cause a lack of communication between family members, and children lose an opportunity to learn important skills and knowledge such as moral and wisdom which normally given by their parents.

The collapse of family function influences child behaviour at school. These children who do not have enough care from family members often make a problem such as bullying other students. This is because these children do not know how to deal with other students.

Lack of communication may attribute to prevalence of advanced technology such as internet and computer games. These activities also strongly affect child mental health and a lack of concentration on study at school.

To solve these problems, the government should provide an immediate action to prevent students' making troubles at school. Providing education programs for parents is efficient to support parents who have a difficulty with children. In addition, school should provide special support for children who cannot deal with study and co-operate with other children at school.
riny   
Nov 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a fellow procrastinator" - My commonapp essay [5]

Though I am suffered from this habit seriously

Getting things done on time isn't everything to me. It is very difficult for me to take a time to think deeply(?) .

Most of the times, I leave homeworks to finish, books to read, test to prepare pile on my desk.

there are many figurative expressions...
riny   
Oct 31, 2010
Writing Feedback / IELTS- The freedom of expression, no government restrictions [5]

Please give me your own opinion against the freedom of expression too :) thanks!!

Q:Creative artist should always be given the freedom to express their own ideas (in words, pictures, music or film) in whichever way they wish. There should be no government restrictions on what they do. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

A number of people have a great opportunity to create new ideas without any restriction in recent years. This is because human rights are acknowledged by society, therefore various artists have achieved the freedom of opinion and expression and can provide a huge scale of art. However, this tendency has brought several issues in modern society. In my strong opinion, people should be more aware of the danger of the freedom of expression for some reasons. This essay will examine why the freedom of expression contribute negative aspects to people.

One reason is that young people especially children are highly influenced by products created by artists. Movies, for instance, often contain violent and sexual scenes. Although some artists insist these contents are one of expression as the art, these aggressive scenes negatively impact on people. It is clear that as many children are attracted by these scenes, they often misunderstand that these actions can be acceptable in the real situation. In fact, some scientists have proved the impact of violent movies on teenagers is highly related to the number of crime relating violence in recent research. In addition, many teenagers are involved in drug and alcohol abuse by influence of some artists' behaviour such as musicians and film actors.

To solve these significant issues, the government must take an action immediately. The restriction of age in viewers is one of the great strategies to prevent children to reach unrecommended movies, books, and pictures. An education to their parents can also be effective since they can avoid to purchase and leave these products at home.

In conclusion, even though artists have a right to express their ideas and opinions, it must be limited at certain stage to protect children from unexpected abuse and crime.
riny   
Oct 31, 2010
Writing Feedback / "News Editors decide what to broadcast on Television" - IELTS writing [5]

These days, news papers has been considered rich form of mass communication.

Now News are casted with with in second as it has happened.(I don't understand this mean)

Nowadays , it has become a symbol of bad news to newspapers, news channels and magazines for casting it.

Nobody desires to broadcast good news because channels may be having more critical point of view but the matter and all human condemns on casting bad or irritating news .

Some political parties or social bodies might be more conscious in the deliberation of news casting role in the society.

They appreciate news casting channels and print media for forecasting the Hidden Truth, but unpleasant news to cast having unconsciously and more dreadful consequences.

adequate vocabulary, but some grammatical mistakes.
riny   
Oct 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Engineering (fantasies + inventions and discoveries)- Brown Uni. [5]

Engineering is all about (my) dreams...

I always (have) had ...

nah -it's not for achademic.

the last part of question no.1 is good, but i do not think you need to put the story.

the very passage

I have always wanted to be like them, and growing up, that's exactly what I did.(and I grew up exactly what i wanted)
riny   
Oct 26, 2010
Writing Feedback / IELTS Compare the pros and cons of following as media for communicating information [NEW]

Q: Compare the advantages and disadvantages of three of the following as media for communicating information. State which you consider to be the most effective.

1)comics
2)books
3)radio
4)television
5)film
6)theatre

Ansewer:
There is varied media organizations that people can choose and enjoy in modern societies. Some are very efficient to get communicating information but some are not. In this essay, books, theatre and television will be examined and described both advantages and disadvantages.

Reading books is one of the conventional method which has been continued over the centuries. It contributes comprehensive skills to people because reading requires spontaneous action compared with TV or theatre. However, as there is no sound or visual impact, this popularity has been fading especially among young generation.

By comparison, the theatre has a great impact opon people in terms of stimulating their auditory and visual system in the brain. However, there are various disadvantages in theatre. Although theatres have a spectacular view and sound, it can not be effective device for people since it is expensive and many people can not afford to watch movies at the theatre every time. Moreover, there is a limitation of sending information because the theatre sends only movies the audience.

Television has the most effective system to send information to audiences compared with books and theatres. Firstly, it is not expensive than going to theatres, and every one can enjoy watching TV at home. Secondly, there is a variety of choice in TV programs such as, news, dramas and documentaries. Since television has many categories of information, people of all ages and sexes can enjoy watching TV. Demerit of television is that there are many advertisements between TV show, and it may disturb viewers.

In conclusion, TV is the most effective method compare with any other devices sending information, Thus it is assumed that television wil expand its function more and more in the future.
riny   
Oct 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / Dou agree with keeping traditional skills alive? [6]

This is my essay for IELTS, I need to get 7.0. how do u think?

Q: When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Over the last half century, modern technology has developed dramatically world wide and many people have been facinated this trend. On the other hand, it is a significant fact that traditional skills and a way of life have been faded rapidly. this phenomenon has also brought several issues in modern societies. In my opinion, the importance of traditional skills and customs shoud be recognized by individuals. This essay will examine three aspects of advantages of preserving the

traditional skills and customs.

fist of all, traditional practices often increase a sense of community and a social cohesion. For instance, national festivals have a significant meaning in terms of clutural and historical education. As people realize the importance of their heritage through the festival, they can improve their patriotism and sympathy with a social bonding.

Secondly, the inheritance of traditional methods and social customs have a profond impact on next generations. For example, folklore, historical stories and songs can be the best way to teach children how to learn a moral and wisdoms to live in societies. These children will be able to interact with other people when they grow up and start working in the community. In addition, these children who learned a moral and wisdoms through the education of traditional skills and knowledge will contribute to next generations.

furthermore, following conventional skills play a vital role not only to social cohesion but also to preserve environment. Convention skills such as walking towards a distination and using handmade products are all easy on environment because these practices are often harmless the nature due to saving petrol and redusing wastes. Thus these conventional practices enable peolpe to learn how to protect environment.

By comparison, technology has brought unpleasant problems world wide. Peolpe who are addicted to the Internet have a tendency of a lack of communication skills and sympathies with orther people. Hence some sociologists are apprehensive that crimes among young people have been increasing due to the prevalence of the technological development.

In conclusion, people should realize the importance of trafditional customs and skills because these practices have great advantages and it contributes positive influence to people in societies and the future.
riny   
Oct 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING: bad information in film books and internet should be controlled? [3]

1) whatever the type of the media like film books or the Internet is that he or she is searching on their own will.

2)we should act more responsbly
responsibly

3) However,should we thinks a bit deeper..
It should be discussed more deeply..

4) how does those information actract people
atract

There are some small mistakes but I think this essay is very good:)
riny   
Oct 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing: should Art be ignored by the government? [4]

I think your essay structure is good enough, you discussed good point of art.

'I would like to say ,,,'
In the IELTS essay, objective sentence is prefered.

'when we talking about... '
when we are talking about

'that government should ignor the art developing but more focusing on the other fields.'
but more focus on...

'the depressure on people's shoulder '
depression? or pressure?
riny   
Oct 4, 2010
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Discuss TV as educational tool [4]

Question:Some people say that TV is a very useful tool when it comes to education. Others argue that TV is a much overused, ineffective teacher. Discuss both of these views and give your opinion as to the usefulness of TV as an educational tool.

Over the past half century, TV has played a significant role in modern societies. This electric device has also been used as educational material and it influences people with some aspects of advantages and disadvantages.

One advantage is TV education enables people to learn at rural areas. This distance education system has brought vital improvement to students who live in countryside, since they can have same amount of education as students in the city.

Moreover, TV is often used for one on one study. For example, tuition is often taken via TV phone at home. This intervention has great benefit because people do not need to commute a certain place or to pay for the travel to take lessons.

Furthermore, TV has visual and auditory stimulation to learn new information in more effective way. In fact, some scientists have proved that TV education is one of the effective sources to send rememberable information to the brain. It has also great merit that students can study with their own paces. For instance, video lecture can be repeated as much as students want and students do not need to be worried about being hurry during the lecture.

However, TV leaning also has several disadvantages. Some people suggest that it may lead sedentary life and obesity, and it may cause health problems such as heart disease and diabetes mellitus. In fact, a number of people who are addicted watching TV and these people are threatened with several health issues.

In conclusion, although there are some disadvantages for TV education, the advantages of TV learning are more important to people in the modern societies. If people solve the issues of TV learning, it will bring adequate information to students in the future.
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