Writing Feedback / I definitely agree - pressure of school and parental pressure should be reduced [3]


Don't write lengthy sentences to open your essay. Begin your essay with a more catchy, interesting and meaningful hook :)
Nowadays, we can see a major increase in school drop outs. This is due to the fact that students find schools apply lots of pressure on them that they cannot really cope with.

I totally agree that (no comma)today lots of students today are exposed to pressespressure because of higher expectations.

Writing Feedback / What should a country do: run/ carry out the policy of isolating from the world or engaging others? [3]


.... well.... you should have chosen on of the words - run or carry out in this sentence.
This is my suggestion for your intro;
Today, the world has heavily come under the influence of globalization. This has resulted very close relationships between countries on various fronts such as trade, commerce, education, technology etc. Therefore , some people argue that a countries should not attempt to isolate themselves from the rest of the world and instead they should be more engaged with one another. I strongly support this view point.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; working and travelling a year before university is a good idea [4]


This is not what your prompt is talking about. It focuses on how to use the gap year between high school and uni. Should students travel or work during this year or should they immediately enroll themselves with new courses at the unis? That is what you need to address in this essay. Read your prompt very carefully and align your writing with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK - 2 Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men [5]


.... What is the significance of "era of trade" for this idea? I don't understand why you mentioned that and its relevance to the topic :(

Also, I wish your first sentence (which needs to be an effective hook for your essay) is more interesting, catchy and relevant to your topic.


This is not actually an answer to the issue that your prompt suggests. It is asking you whether the companies should have positions in the corporate management for women. Try to align your writing more with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Mobile phones facilitate our work and also simplify our lives [5]

Recent decades have witnessed a major transformation of mobile phone.in the way we communicate with each other. ...now start talking about mobile phones!

Distance and time are no longer a problembarriers for contactingkeeping connected with ouryour families, friends and colleges.

It is better you avoid "you" (third person) as it may refer to your examiner who is going to mark your essay. He might not like it :D

Writing Feedback / The importance of utilizing advisement globally continues to increase each year [4]


This is not a good way to open your essay. You need to write a sentence that has the ability to hook your reader to your writing. So, this sentence should be interesting, catchy and most importantly it should be meaningful and relevant to your topic. This is my suggestion for your hook;

Advertising has now become a part of our existence. (this is your hook - Now start introducing the issue)

Writing Feedback / Spending more money in public transportation should be improved early [4]

Yes.... it is always good to include the full prompt in your post so that we can have a better understanding as to what it requires from you. Also, include the purpose of writing , e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc., in the title itself to earn more feedbacks for your essay.

Transportation is one of the most significant thingaspects ofin human life.in our daily life.


.... wrong grammar
Governments have a responsibility to provide necessary infrastructure systems for their people.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - GUN CONTROL & INCREASING VIOLENCE [13]

Some people may argue that allowing policemen to carriescarry firearms can increase violence in the society. To some extent, I do not agree with this assertionview because I believe that criminal minds that breed violence not stringent gun control. ... this latter part is very confusing ....you need to rephrase this sentence to deliver your idea clearly to the reader.

Writing Feedback / How the Vietnamese invasion of Cambodia affected the United States-feedback [5]

This started awas the beginning of the war between Cambodia and Vietnam. When citizens of the United States found out about this, many felt very strongly about this.The people of the United States became very concerned about this war situation in Cambodia although they did not have a direct involvement with it.


....you need to improve the presentation of this sentence;
Richard Nixon, then president of the USA was one such person who was very concerned over this issue.

Writing Feedback / Young people should spend time on traveling before beginning their studies [4]


Yes, this is a better approach as the introduction is meant for introducing your topic to the reader. By stating your opinion as you open the essay, you are making an assumption that the reader already knows what you are going to write. The more acceptable way is to assume that the reader knows nothing and tell him what you are going to write about. So you should state your opinion just before you are concluding the introduction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Some people say that the Internet is making the world [5]

Now we are in the era of technology, the massive revolution on internet sector helps people to connect with each other.


In this introduction you do not really focus on the core of the issue, I believe you should pay more attention to the approach that you take on your introduction.

Writing Feedback / Parents should have much time for their children which are lonely sometimes [5]

First, I have some admin requests - You should have opened this thread in Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for this essay. Also, it is better you mention the purpose of writing this essay ( for example - IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) so that you would earn more meaningful and task related feedbacks from others. Next is that you should include the full prompt of your essay in the post for us to understand what it really requires from you and align our feedbacks accordingly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 - Reject a company offer - letter [3]


Begin your letter with a positive note although it is to inform something negative;
I am very thankful to you for offering me a career position in your esteemed organization. However, I am compelled to decline this offer due to the fact that I had already accepted the position as a Sales Manager in another company.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL essay] Internship prepare students better for their careers [6]

AnA professional job mostly begins with an university education. The university teaches us the most important knowledge for thehelps us gain necessary knowledge and skills for our future jobcareers. However, beside the knowledge taught from the book, I think the university should add an internship or some working activity in their training because of some reasons.in addition to the structure knowledge it offers, I believe they should equip students with more practical knowledge as well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - learning languages at an early age bracket benefits more than deteriorates. [4]


Well, this is not a very good way to open your essay. Ideally you should open your essay with a hook that can grab the reader's attention. The hook should be interesting, meaningful and relevant idea and you should present it in a much shorter sentence. Do not open essays with really really long sentences. That makes the reader tired as he begins to read your essay.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: apology letter - 'evenings noise' [4]

I am writing to apologize for the noise that spoilsdisturbed your evenings and causescaused you some distress.inconvenience.
As you may have guessed, I am currently decoratingrefurbishing my flat and workers are engaged in drilling a wholehole to allow the pipes of my new air conditioner go into my living room.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. MARRIAGES AND DIVORCE IN THE USA & ADULT AMERICANS' MARITAL STATUS [6]

Ok... I think you need to improve a little bit more on the approach for this task. This is a task which aims at assessing your report writing skills. Therefore your need to adopt a more reporting writing style. Here's the approach I am suggesting;

Introduction - Introduce the graphs very briefly
Overview- Discuss the main trends/ observations very very briefly to give an overall idea about the graphical presentation. Here you should not include any details like statistics and figures.

Detail Paragraphs - Now you can pick up individual trends and discuss them with more detail :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: CONSIDERING DISADVANTAGES OF TOURISM [6]


Tourism is one of the major industries that help boost economies across the world


Well, you have to give more prominence to the core of the issue which is that should disadvantages be overlooked or not. It is not given so much prominence here. Try to stay with your prompt always.

Writing Feedback / Video games are harmless fun. Disagree or Agree? [4]

What is the purpose of this writing? Preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? You better mention the purpose in the title itself so that others can provide you with more meaningful and task related feedbacks.


I think you should have more meaningful and interesting sentence to be your hook. I feel this one needs improvement.


Your prompt is pretty straight forward. It's asking you whether you agree or disagree. State your opinion before you conclude your introduction. The reader likes a straight forward approach rather than vague.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 Working hoursare toolong and people don't have time for family [7]


That's ok .... We instruct everybody to follow the rules so that it makes our lives easy to manage the house keeping part ...lol


Try to give more focus to the idea and convey it directly;
Overwork causes many problems.
First of all, family and social life could be negatively affected from thisby this. After a long day of work, maybe individual just wants to have rest and relax and does notit is not easy for one to enjoy the company of their friends as well as family due to fatigue.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. Chocolate production sequences [3]

Where is the diagram? It is important to upload the diagram if you wish to earn more meaningful comments. Use the feature - "Attach file(s)" in the message block of the screen for uploading your images.

Your writing seem to be ok ... Follow the approach of Introduction + Overview + Detailed paras for this task.

Writing Feedback / Short Description on Myself [2]

My name is Nor Hazlyna Bt Harun.I am 41 years old. I was born on the 25th Feb 1973 at Hospital Sungai Petani Kedah. I am now marries and a mother ofhave 5 kids which are, 3 girls and 2 boys. My husband is Mohammad Ghozali Hassan whichwho is the headHead of ???(write the name of the college) college and also lecturer at PSIS.

Now,I am currently functioning as a lecturer at ICT Department ,Politeknik Tuanku syed Sirajuddin, Perlis Malaysia. I started working at Politeknik onin 1999 at Electrical Department at Politeknik Jitra Kedah. I have anMy experience involve withincludes more than 5 subjects such as Engineering matahematic, instrumentation and Control, Programming Fundamental, Computer Organisation.

Writing Feedback / Children should learn to compete rather than be cooperative. What's your opinion [4]

Child-rearing has always been a topical issues over a long period of time, which is the result of parent's concern for their children.

wrong grammar - "a issues " ... this is wrong!
It should be - "an issue" or "issues"

I also guess that you meant "typical issue" and not "topical issue"


It is always good to be more straight forward and express your own opinion on the issue before concluding the intro. The above sentence only gives a vague feeling to the reader and does not help you add much value to your essay.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Text messages or phone calls; I prefer talking on the phone [3]

Text messages and phone calls are the ways which have changed the way thatpeople choose to keeping inkeeping touch.


Have a better link between these two lines;
Nowadays, people have too many options for communicating with each others. Text messages and phone calls are among the mostly used communication options.

Writing Feedback / Today's charity - support made by wealthy nations must be voluntary [4]

It is always good to mention the purpose of your writing, for example - TOEFL, IELTS, in the title itself for others to provide you with more task related comments and feedbacks. Also, include the full prompt in the post so that we can have a better understanding about what it really requires.

In the eyes of common public opinion, developed industrial countries are supposed toshould help poor countries by sharing their fortunewealth and resources with them.poorer nations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: procedure of making cement / traffic congestion & air pollution [4]

Have two different threads for each task. By having both in one thread, you would lose your chances of earning more feedbacks and comments on your writing. As per forum rules, each thread should contain one essay.

For the Task 1, which is aimed at assessing your report writing skills, you should adopt a more formal and reporting writing style. Avoid phrases like "To begin with" etc.

Writing Feedback / Ielts taks1: the diagram show how rainwater is reused [4]

Well, this task is meant to evaluate your report writing skills. So, you should adopt a more appropriate writing style for the purpose of reporting facts, trends and other data. When you reporting facts, your writing should be more concise, focused and informal. So avoid phrases like "Firstly, Secondly" etc.

Follow the approach Introduction, Overview and Details :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Music makes our lifes magical and meaningful [7]

I hope you pay more attention to eddies comments. You need to change your approach for this task if you aim at a good score. Follow detailed description eddies has give you as to construct your introduction. It should very clearly introduce the issue to the reader and then include your own opinion on the issue. You can make use of your prompt to a great extent for this task - simply paraphrase your prompt :)

Undergraduate / 'I found someone with shared values and motivation' - Honors College App. Essay [4]

When searching for friends or even a soul mate, I believe onetowe should look for someone that holds true to your same valueswith the same values and interests that we hold.and who always had your best interest at heart

Why did you include the "soul mate"? .... I feel that character really does not fit in here.... That's my personal opinion :)

Writing Feedback / Oil discovery has been most beneficial for people in Iran [6]

My country Iran is one of the most important countrycountries in the Middle East. We play an important role (??? in what? you need to specify) among the Asia'sAsian countries also. Our country Iran ( avoid the repetition of "my country", " our country") is bigquite large in size and haveplays a significant role in the world's oil industry which is essential for the whole world, such as vehicle's food, need for most industries, and more.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 Working hoursare toolong and people don't have time for family [7]

First, I have an admin request for you - You should have opened this thread in the Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for IELTS essays. This essay has been moved from Essays forum to Writing Feedback.

Personally, I tend to think that people spend even moretoo much time at work because ofdue to several reasons.

Undergraduate / This accomplishment of mine really made me get to know myself even more. [3]

Every experience that I have had made me a better person and it helped me know myself even morebetter.


Well... the question is focused on particular experiences or accomplishments that you had in your life that helped the most to define your personality. So I feel it is better if you be more specific on them. The above paragraph is not really answering the prompt as it is too open to include every experience of yours. I think you have elaborated too much on that fact which is actually not what they want to know.

Writing Feedback / TEXT Messages - novelty for us [4]

Well, it is not clear about the purpose of writing this essay. Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? It is good to include the purpose in your title itself and it helps you attract others to provide you comments. Also, they would provide you with more task related comments. The other thing is that you should include your essay prompt on the top of your essay so that we understand better what it really requires from you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay on video games - pros and cons [2]

n recent years, video games hashave increased itstheir popularity around the world. This has aroused considerable controversy in society as some people thinksthink video games are harmful while others believe that people can be benefited a lot from video gamesthem. . Personally, I think that the drawbacks of video games totally outweigh their benefits.

Writing Feedback / ielts: the chart gives information about UK travel between 1979 and 1999 [3]


Good advice by tiaDS. This is the approach I too suggest to everybody who prepare for this task. This approach would help you earn a good score at the exam while managing your time effectively for the task. You have to be mindful for both the score and the time management as this task has a major bearing on the time :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : 'domestic usage for all technology gradually increased' - graph [7]


Well, I think this should be your overview. This is the approach I would like to suggest you for this task;
Introduction (the one you've done is fine )
Overview ( discuss the main trends and observations very briefly to give an overall idea about the graphical presentation - do not give details)
Detailed paras- now discuss trends in detail

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Some sectors request many well-qualified people - career choices for young generation [8]

Some people expect to be an expertexperts in the field of their choice . In my country, several career sectors are predicted to the most popular career preferences for young people in the next five years ago.to come . In my opinion, I believe that economic and technological sectors will be delighted in.

Well, the last part is not at all clear. You need to rephrase :(

Writing Feedback / Imprisonment trend among five different countries - bar graph [5]


This is not a good introduction of the image :( I think you need to pay serious attention to the approach you follow for this task. This is what I suggest;

Introduction - Introduce the graphs or the image
Overview - Write the main trends or observations very briefly to make an overall impression of the image presentation. You should not have any detailed data or statistics here.

Detailed paras - Now discuss the trends or the image with more details

Writing Feedback / Home is good place to learn a lot, however school is the best place to learn. [8]

Well, include your prompt in the post before you start writing your essay. It helps us understand what it really requires form you and align our comments accordingly with the task requirements. Also, is this letter written for practicing for IELTS or TOEFL? You better mention that in the title so that we can give you more meaningful feedbacks. Follow my instructions when you open a fresh thread :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; all towns and cities to have public spaces [5]


Ok, this is not a bad introduction. However, I would like to suggest the following approach for your intro for this task;
1. Hook - Write an interesting sentence that can catch the reader's attention
2. Background - Introduce the issue to the reader - you can do this by paraphrasing the prompt
3. Your opinion - Express your view very clearly