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Posts by bbish520
Joined: Dec 28, 2010
Last Post: Oct 18, 2011
Threads: 8
Posts: 30  

Displayed posts: 38
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Oct 18, 2011
Essays / How do I write an essay in 15 minutes?! (Architecture/Computer Science major) [4]

Use the first 5mins to brainstorm a little and organize your thoughts.
The next 10mins just pour your heart out. Give the most important information in the beginning and don't even care about grammer problems cause they don't really care about that in that percise moment...they just want to see if you know the material.

Oh! Remember to paraphrase!
Oct 17, 2011
Writing Feedback / Let's Marry! - issues of fake marriage in the immigration system [2]

Prompt: Research argument essay (8-10pgs) regarding the issue of fake marriage in the immigration system.

Thesis: The process of immigration to the United States through marriage is flawed because the various methods used do not indicate whether or not the marriage is sincere or phony.

Title: Let's Get Married!

After 2 months of dating, Alec, my boyfriend, was just about to confine in me a secret that would change both his and my life. "I'm actually married." he said. I was struck by those words. "What you mean by married?" Those were the first words that came out of my mouth. How can I be dating a married man? It just can't be. And it really wasn't. "It's not what you think," he rushed to say. The truth is he is not really married. He is married but not in the whole sense of the word. The fact of the matter is that he married so that he can gain Permanent Resident status in the United States. It wasn't the first time I heard of this approach being used but it sure is the first time being confronted to it.

There, sitting on the sofa of my living room, millions of thoughts ran through my head. I mean, how can you be married and not be at the same time. Either you're married or not, there is no two way street around it but apparently in the world of immigration there is. Many people would use various ways to get legal residency at a certain country and fake marriage is one of the many schemes. "It isn't like I had any other choice. The easiest way of gaining legal residency was marrying a citizen." he started. "I know it's hard to believe but it's true. Many people use this method to stay in the United States or any other country to work and live better life." The whole deal is that one got do what one got to do in order to survive. The need of staying in the US outweighs his desire of not wanting to go through a fake marriage. This all rounds up to one big issue, the process of immigration to the United States through marriage is flawed because the various methods used do not accurately indicate whether or not the marriage is sincere or phony.

Stepping foot into America in 2003 was a life altering moment for him but being forced to choose whether to stay and go through a fake marriage or leave was a huge decision that changed his life forever. Coming from Venezuela, where the crime rates are through the roof, the United States provides not only a better environment but also more work opportunities. The reason why people immigrate is just to find a better life. No one would like to leave the place where they are most familiar with and go to an entirely new place and start all over again. But that is the scenario here. Having been in the U.S. for a year now, he was faced with the dilemma, either to marry a total stranger or be escorted out of the country and go back to where he comes from. At the end he chose to marry this total stranger and continue on in the United States.

One must wonder how he found a U.S. citizen willing to help him out. The answer is easy. Money talks. Friends suggested a few women to him that were willing to make some extra cash and it was in that group of prospective "wives" that he chose Annie. And the journey began. All things went down like a normal marriage would. Finding a witness, stepping into a church, saying the vows, getting a marriage license, signing the papers and the whole entire time taking a lot pictures to provide evidences for the revision of the application. "We had to act like a couple," Alec said, "hold hands all the time, look into her eyes as if she was the love of my life, and most importantly capture it all. The more evidence, the more believable the marriage looked. We practically memorize everything of each other. Not because we really wanted to learn about each other but because we had to for the sake of the interview that will take place after the application has been reviewed." One big question came to my mind at that moment. "So does that mean that you are awarded the permanent residency if you are a good actor?" I asked. "Practically." he answered.

The whole entire process isn't really that complicated. In order to request a green card (permanent residence) for an immediate relative of a U.S. Citizen, which includes the spouse, unmarried child under the age of 21 and parents of the U.S. Citizen, first the person has to determine if he or she is eligible. Being the spouse of a U.S. citizen automatically puts you on the qualified list. Not only that, you don't even have to wait until a visa becomes available because immigrant visas are available to immediate relatives of U.S. citizens unlimitedly. If the relative is inside the United States the steps are easier. First the person that is applying for a permanent residence status have to send in the Form I-485 to adjust to a permanent resident status while the U.S. citizen petitioner files Form I-130, which is the petition for alien relative. This adjustment of status is the process used by immigrants to get a green card while in the United States and it is also the process used by him after marrying his "wife". (U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services)

This is just the introduction. I wanted to see how it's going. Please be as cruel as you can. I really wanna improve it and see how I can continue it.

Thanks in advance!!
Mar 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay: Fun with Elders [4]

Thanks you Delilah for revising my essay so thoroughly but I decided not to use it becuase it didn't really bring out what I wanted to express what I wanted to write. But thanks you anyway!

Thanks Kathy Hinh for helping me also. I took your tips and revised some of it.
Mar 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / "early childhood teachers and classrooms" - article reflection [5]

Because you didn't post the article we wouldn't know whether the reflection was well written. Some things didn't make sence but I'm sure that if the article is provided I would mind helping you.

If you have time please check out mine :)
Mar 7, 2011
Undergraduate / (Marist, Italy) - why should i get the opportunity to study in a specific college [3]

What you should do is do some research on the campus and the academics that they offer over there and then compare to the other campuses.

You should tell of your passion for your major at the same time incorporating the reason why you feel that that campus will help you achieve your goal; usually one should put all the great aspect regarding the education and it campus overall.

Hoped I help!
Help me if you can please :)
Mar 7, 2011
Undergraduate / "an ethical dilemma that you encountered" - UBC Supplemental for Commerce, starting? [8]

The prompt basically ask you to describe a situation that had something to do with your morality, basically is to tell you to present a situation where you told weather it was right or wrong.

You don't necessary need to provide any additional information, that part it's just for you to add anything you want that the application didn't provide you with the space for.

Hope I helped!!
Help me back if you can :)
Mar 6, 2011
Writing Feedback / Is it better to live for the moment or plan for the future? [5]

"in an unpleasant circumstance "

"...plan for the future withby getting..."

"...we couldcan avoid..."

"...the importance forof a degree..."

Third paragraph you could start with: Saving money matters now since one never know when we would need it....

"...we have to pay their tuition..." we have to pay the medical bills, not tuition

"...we need to look for otheranother one..."

"...because we are depending from our bodies living this actual life ..." because we depend on our body in order to life or in order to keep living our life

For the last paragraph you should never say "for the conclusion" just start it off like a regular paragraph

hope I helped!!

Check out mine if you can! Thanks
Mar 6, 2011
Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay: Fun with Elders [4]

Please help me correct this essay. I'm not sure if I have the narrative part down. I'll appreciate all the help I can get! Be as brutal as you can! Thanks!

"Who can help out this Saturday?" Because of this question, my life changed drastically. That day my Language Arts teacher, also the United Way moderator, came into my classroom and asked who was available that Saturday to help out at an elderly home. Because on that Saturday I didn't have work, I decided to take part in the activity. As I entered the facility, all I can see were the smiling faces of all the elders, who were all so friendly and full of joy, and in that moment I knew that I had made the correct decision in coming to help out.

During that trip we played dominoes, bingo, and just basically had fun. A deejay was provided. Music ranging from meringue to salsa was being played. My friends and I joined the grandmas and grandpas in the dance floor once in a while. One may think that spending time with elders would be boring and not really fun but I have to admit that it was a really great experience. Elders are just like kids; they want to have just as much fun as possible. I am glad that I was able to spend that time with them. It doesn't necessary have to be with elders, it can be with others in need.

After all the dancing and friendly talks, it was time for lunch. Orders were made, foods were served, drinks were delivered and each one of us volunteer went to take a seat at different table to socialize with the elders. With the music in the background playing softly, I was able to chat with several lovely old ladies and divine men. Stories were told, jokes were being said, smiles appeared in all of our faces and nothing could have ruin that moment, the moment of joy, of making a difference in someone's life even though it was just for a few hours.

Visiting the elderly home made me realize a few things. Sometimes we complain about our grandparents, how annoying they are, how slow they are, or how we have to take care of them but even though they are annoying, they are slow, they are still our grandparents; they took care of us when we were kids, now it's time for us to care for them. In that elderly home I realize how little time I have been spending with my grandparents, how I haven't been phoning my grandpa who lives in China and how I don't appreciate my grandmother living with me, helping out with all the chores.

I would appreciate any other comments! Thanks

I'll return the favor if you help me! Thanks again!!
Jan 3, 2011
Undergraduate / Why UChicago?-Endless Opportunity [3]

Wow! I love how you imagine yourself as one of the students there! Impressive essay!

Please read mine!
Jan 3, 2011
Undergraduate / Honesty is the best policy (or not) - U Chicago essay # 4 [5]

I thought of doing this essay topic but then I didn't.

I likes how you started off with your essay of liking your nose and not wanting to be like Pinocchio.

If you want to keep adding to this essay maybe you can write from another form. An idea could be how lying can catch up to you in the future or how just one lie can produce many more in the future because as you tell one lie, you'll have to tell another lie to cover the lie that you have said before.

But overall i liked it, maybe expand on the value part of the prompt would be good.

Hope i helped!
Jan 3, 2011
Undergraduate / Great academic and social community--Why BU [5]

Your essay is eally good! It shows that you did research.
You basiclly covered all aspect so you don't have to really expand on much more.
Thanks for criticizing mine!
Jan 3, 2011
Undergraduate / "Growth is essential to a happy and productive life" - Chicago: Extended Essay [6]

Please help proofread! thanks!

Prompt: In the interest of adventurous inquiry, pose a question of your own. If your prompt is original and thoughtful, then you should have little trouble writing a great essay. Draw on your best qualities as a writer, thinker, visionary, social critic, sage, citizen of the world, or future citizen of the University of

Chicago; take a little risk and have fun.

One will never stop growing throughout his or her life. It doesn't matter if it's necessary or not, one can't stop it. New things are learned every single day without our acknowledgement until one day we look back and realize how much we've grown. Struggles that we face and errors that we make help us grow to who we are. Not only do we grow by ourselves, the societies do too. Although growth usually happens through struggle and mistakes, growth is utterly necessary for a happy and productive life.

By reviewing the experiences that a person has gone through, how they have dealt of them and how they have led them to where he or she is to this day can determine if he or she had a happy and productive life. Many believe that the meaning of life is just having enough food, drink and somewhere to sleep as a way to survive but it is not so. As humans, we have the ability to better ourselves through learning. These lessons, not needing to be in the sense of academics, make us grow into ourselves. The more we learn, the better our life would be. For example, my aunt, who lives in Hong Kong, has gone through her ups and downs. Gone from working as a bank clerk to being a district manager at Prudential, and owning various real estate throughout Hong Kong, she keeps updating herself with classes of English and Mandarin. If she didn't make the effort of bettering herself then she would still be a bank clerk, her life wouldn't be as happy and productive as now.

Obviously, what is applied to one person can't be applied to the whole population. China, being one of the leading countries of this world, wouldn't have been in the position that's in right now if they haven't tried to improve themselves, to grow in all aspect. Every time we look at a label we mostly see that it's made in China. Even though this proves that China has many factories which can employ many people it doesn't mean that the life in China is the best. Many people only earn around $150 a month which is next to nothing compare to people in the United States but if China didn't make the effort to grow, to attract these companies to open their factories there these people wouldn't even have those $150 a month to live on. Without this growth, the lives of those people would be worst but with this growth the people are able to live happily and productively.

For many, growth is defined as learning new things from different experience. These lessons can help us grow into who we are. Being who we are, we set our own goals. If life is just based on the need of food, water and shelter then it would be so much easier. Although it would be easier, it wouldn't be productive because we won't have the drive to reach our goals and without goals there is no meaning in learning, no meaning in growing. Growth is essential to a happy and productive life because through struggles and mistake we realize how great our life is, it makes us appreciate it more.
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / University of Wisconsin (overanalyzing) + Illinois: Short Essay (Professional goals) [2]

In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss yor academic interest and/or professional goals.

"Newborn baby found dead in front garden of terrace home." As I read this headline I couldn't wait to read the article. Ever since I was young I've always taken an interest in reading articles like these ones. As I read on I can't help but think why someone could be so heartless to do something like this to a baby and soon I realize there is always a reason behind everything. Because of this drive to know more and understand more I decided to major in psychology where I can study how the human brain function and how their emotions could affect matters. My nature of overanalyzing things always complicates situations but I have come to term with it; I soon realize that because I overanalyze matters I have become more observant. In the field of psychology I'll be able to use my observation to diagnose a patient's problem and try to provide help for them. With my understanding nature I plan to hear my patient's problem and inquiries and give useful advises to them. I'm looking forward to because a successful psychologist especially in the child department to help abuse or ill-treated children.


I need help!!! should i write more?? how can i improve this short answer?? PLEASE HELP!!
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "working as a newspaper deliverer" - one of your extracurricular activities [5]

if you need to cut down more words then you can cut:

Furthermore, 200 newspapers took me about 3 to 4 hours to deliver. The exhausting process was the best exercise.

The mentioning of exercise isn't really that important to colleges

hope i helped!!

check out mine if you have time please!! :D
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU essays: biology + connections + Dr. House from House, MD. [4]

The first question's answer i think its pretty good
The second i think you should elaborate more because many colleges has a diverse student body so it may not be only NYU that can offer the multitude of different people with different cultures.

The third, because its truly depends on you, i think that grudge thing shouldn't go, may be some other strong point

Hope i helped!

Check out mine please :D
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "I started swimming when I was 7" - influential person, Syracuse University [7]

first of all, thanks for reading mine!

having your mother as the most influencial person is quite a good choice but from what i read i think you would have to re-write it. It's kinda disorganize as you friend mention. Maybe you can make a list of the points you want to touch in your essay in regards to your mom.

Hope i help!!
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Oprah Winfrey + Winter Break + Programs - Syracuse Short Answer [3]

Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?

I dreamt of becoming a strong, successful woman who can make a difference in this world. A great example of who I want to become would be Oprah Winfrey, an American television host. Despite being born into poverty in Mississippi to a teenage single mother, she had made a name for herself worldwide. She faced many hardships including being raped at the age of nine and later becoming pregnant at age 14. It really hard to imagine the hardship that a child had to face at such a tender age but regardless of that, she now is considered one of the most influential woman in the world. She is a strong woman who should be admired by many. In Syracuse I would be able to develop into a strong woman with the proper education to make myself successful in the future.

Our mission of Scholarship in Action, education for the world in the world, extends beyond the classroom to include engagement opportunities with our campus community, the City of Syracuse, and locations across the globe. Based on your interests, tell us what real-world experiences you might pursue during your education at Syracuse as part of this mission.

The idea of just sitting in a classroom and hearing lectures from professors really doesn't appeal to me. When I heard about the vision of Syracuse, which extends education beyond the classroom, I couldn't wait to do more research on the university. As I enter Syracuse University's website, the first thing I notice was the SU Spotlight. It was an article regarding SU Florence alumni from around the world that were reuniting in Florence. After reading through the article I feel like I really want to partake in this study aboard program. I would love to be able to reunite one day with other study aboard students and hold a festival where around a table to discuss how we live that part of our life and how it affect us in different ways. With this idea in mind, I would love to be able to take the opportunities that Syracuse offer and participate in one of the many programs that Syracuse offer.

Please critic!! don't go easy on it! thanks
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Pursuit of Advancement"-Columbia supplemental essay [6]

good research done! maybe you should add a little bit of student life in there (if you want, to cover more field) but if not then the essay itself is pretty good.

mine checking mine out? thanks
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / The Spare Tire Debacle - Brown Supplement [3]

This totally reflect many college's motto which is learning is not only based on textbook or classroom learning.
Exellent essay with a good story intact.
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "to work in a church" - community service essay [5]

After three days

You can chang it to: Upon the fourth day of arriving

differences .So I knew I

difference so I knew...

i had a volunteer job in a Brooklyn Library during the 2010 summer to Sep 2010

I volunteered at the Brooklyn Library from the start of my 2010 summer until the start of the school year.

My favorite community service is to work in a church when I was a junior; i worked 4 hours per week. The church lets teenagers design some shows and posters for Christianity.

In my junior year, i volunteer at a church where i was able to design some show's posters.

-You should leave out the hours per week because in the extracurricular activity part of the app already states it.

You have to revise the 3rd paragraph because its quite confusing, especially the assigning task part.
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "thinking outside the box" - What makes Stanford a good place for you? [6]

Prompt: What makes Stanford a good place for you?

Coming from a place where Chinese are considered a minority, it is pleasant to know that Stanford has an Asian American Activities Center that will allow me to interact with other people of my race. The interaction among peers and faculty members is one of the things that attract me to Stanford. The thought of being able to ask my professor a question and not get the answer "you should know this by now" is the most pleasurable feeling ever. Because of the variety of cultures there is in Stanford, I am looking forward to learning each and every single one of them.

Knowing that a college in not only based on studies but thinking outside the box really fits my motto: the sky is the limit. Being able to conduct research on things that really interest me is another plus. Having come from a relatively small school where there is only enough space for a volleyball court, the variety of athletics club really astonishes me. I am glad to know that I would be able to participate in other sports other than volleyball or ping pong.

Having the dream to be able to travel the world when I retire I am really looking forward to partake in the study aboard programs that Stanford offers to students. The exchange programs can broaden my horizon and expand my knowledge on matters. The idea of learning other people's culture from these study aboard programs really gets my heart raising and because of the diversity of cultures in the university, I'll be able to continue my learning even if my study aboard program ends. The many opportunities that Stanford offer will help me become the person that I wish to become.
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "I used to wish you were a better mother" - App Essay [5]

First, I hoped you would love me more.

I think you should change first to frankly because by using first you are making a list but you only listed that so it would be better if you change it

other than that i really like how you wrote this as the essay topic of choice, it makes it unique
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / UVA- What is your favorite word and why- Coherence [16]

This word is what makes an argument reputable.

Coherence is the word that makes an argument reputable.

be specific is always good to not create any confusion to your readers
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Every time I think of my grandmother" - Short Answer + Personal Essay [6]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

Whether helping the kids with their homework or playing with them in the park, being in the after school program has helped me learn a lot. Not only did it help bring back memories from my childhood, I also learn the correctness of a quote: "patience is a virtue". Being with the children everyday afterschool can be a little hard but through this experience I tested my patience. Going from calculus to kindergarten's math really made a hit to my patience. It's so easy to add and subtract for me but it takes a great deal of time to explain it to a child who is barely five years old. Patience is truly a trait that shows high moral standards. Even though I still have many hardships to go through, I'm sure that with the practice of patience, I'll be able to overcome them all.

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Every time I think of my grandmother I feel like I could have expressed my love toward her more but now, unfortunately, it is too late. October of 2008 was the worst month for me. It was one of the darkest moments of my life. Not only did I lose a grandmother that day, I also lost a part of me. When my mom called from Hong Kong to tell me about the news I couldn't believe it. My strong, amicable grandmother had passed away and thankfully it was a no-pain death.

In 1993, my parents decided to immigrate to Puerto Rico for a better life, and I, only being one year old, was left with my grandmother and aunt. I wouldn't ask for anyone else to raise me because these two women were there for me all the time. They both were moms to me. My grandmother, only 47 years old at that time, hadn't retired yet. Needing to work, she had to leave me with a babysitter but she made sure that I was well taken care of. On weekends she, along with my aunt, would take me to theme parks, beach, camping and etc.

When I was three years old, my mom decided for me to go to Puerto Rico to stay with her. My grandmother, together with my grandfather and aunt, came with me to check out the place and see if it was any good for me. After three weeks my grandmother, my grandfather and my aunt had to leave. I was left with my parents. Although I can't remember it well, my parents told me that I would cry day and night asking for my grandmother, asking where she was and why she had to be so cruel and leave me here. My mom was heartbroken. I wouldn't pay attention to anything she said. When my grandmother called, I would be screaming my head off for her to come back and get me. I was so sad that I lose ten pounds in only one month. My grandmother, hearing this news, would tell me that if I behaved then she would come visit me soon. Being the eager child that I was I hung onto every word she said; I started eating again, went to nursery school and behaved like a perfect child would.

After two years, when I was five, I was enchanted to see my grandmother's pumped up, unwrinkled face. She, who barely topped five feet, picked me up and showered me with her loving kisses. That moment was one of my happiest childhood memories. When I think about her, the first thing that comes to my mind is her cooking. There is no one in this whole wide world who cooks better than she in my opinion. Her love for food makes what she cooks tastier. She would spend around 3 hours daily preparing supper for us. No matter what she cooked, from seafood to just plain salad, it tasted as if it came from a five star restaurant to me.

One of her uniqueness was her love for music. She got her own iPod, which she listened to when she is walking in the park as a form of exercise. She would want the newest songs along with oldies that she liked. My grandmother would even ask me to teach her how to use the computer for her to download her own music.

I've done many things in my life that I regret. The one thing that I regret the most was when she had to return to Hong Kong to treat cancer I didn't want to talk to her. I was afraid, I was afraid that I would break down while talking to her, I wanted her to know that I was strong but I really wasn't. I wanted her to be strong, I didn't want her to be discouraged but now I regret it deeply. I should have talked to her because then I could express my love but I, stupid me, was afraid, afraid that I would lose her...

I couldn't have asked for a greater grandmother because she, who is in my heart forever, was the best. I will always remember her lovely, amicable face. She, who would cook me whatever I wanted to eat, who woke up every morning to prepare my breakfast and my lunch of the day, and who would express her everlasting love for me constantly. She is the person who made me who I am today. I'll never forget about her. No matter where she is, I know that she is looking out for me, blessing me every moment with her love.

Please critic as brutal as you can. I really want to better this essay and short answer! thanks!!
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "a Chinese girl playing on a volleyball team" - Stanford: Intellectual Virtality [7]

Please help!! I'm really not a good essay writter so I am seeking help to better my essay. So here it goes:

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

As I was walking up the stairs I notice three guys standing by the door to the movies theater. Because at the time Forbidden Kingdom - a kung fu movie starring Jet Li and Jackie Chan - was premiering, many people have just come out of seeing it. As I walk passed the three guys I suddenly hear them making fun of the Chinese language. I was horrified. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I turn back my head to see if I heard right and indeed I have; I saw them laughing to each other as if they had make a joke about something. I have accepted that I may be different to them because of my physical appearance considering that I live in Puerto Rico but still there was no need for it, no need for them to make fun of my language. I am from another culture and I don't see or hear myself making fun of their language.

I really believe in the saying: "Don't judge a book by its cover." Because physical appearance isn't important then it shouldn't matter if one is white, black, etc. Race is just the background where the person comes from; it doesn't really tell us how the person is.

If here and now people are behaving this way - treating others differently because of their race - then what are we telling our next generation through these acts. How can we hope for our next generation to get along no matter the race or ethics that they may have?