Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]


U r right Ismail in saying that...the world is surely moving to one culture n those who r against modernization are still indulged in controlling women, n abusing human rights...


How can you blaim this all on just one country? USA is at the pinnacle of success in most of the fields, is that why it should it be blamed? USA is a great country where people from all countries/color/creed/ethnicity/religion live together and they all have their own cultures and they do follow it over there too. One's culture is for him to follow, not for others. Moreover, if you have ever talked to any European, you will know that their culture is even more open than the American culture. This transformation in the culture is coming as a result of technological advancement and education . I live in India, and India has experienced major cultural transition in last few decades and there is nothing to blame on USA for that. Have you ever felt why is the whole world moving towards western culture??? Its because countries in the west are more open & less hypocrites, they guarantee their citizens all the human rights , all the freedom and all the fun everyone should have. Every culture has their own good and bad aspects.and their is no definition of good/bad. What you consider as bad, I might consider as good. The rule above all rules which I follow is that no culture is superior or inferior- I don't believe in sweating bullets over religion or culture. This world is a big place and one should enjoy the diversity and fun it has to offer and not look down upon countries/culture/people.

Writing Feedback / ILETS essay. Becoming difficult to escape from media. [4]


Alisha, no one else other than a professional IELTS examiner would be able to exactly grade your essay because their criteria is based as:
4-POINT CRITIQUE
--->TASK ACHIEVEMENT
--->LEXICAL RESOURCE
--->COHERENCE AND COHESION
--->GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

I will give you a name of a guy who will professional rate your essay...however he rates only one essay for free and the rest you will have to pay for... I had sent him my final essay which I wrote in the IELTS exam and he rated it accurately...so maybe you can try him.

His name is Miracel.

hope it will help you...

good luck and cheers

Writing Feedback / Important truths are outrageous when they begin; GRE ISSUE TOPIC [4]

Hi Bimala,
You have written a very good essay and the facts/arguments/examples you have given really reflect your clarity about this topic.
However I would advise you to break down your essay in one or two more paragraphs. It might make it look more cool and also easier to read..

this thread might interest you on RELIGION V/S SCIENCE topic
Existence of the supernatural? Essay wrote on watching "The exorcism of Emily Rose"

good luck and cheers.

Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]

There are a lot of things people should not do in front of parents. USA is the most dominant country in this world and it is not its fault that others are trying to ape it.

-Moreover as I have repeatedly said- go and see some European movies too.

-Besides as far as I think usa directors are not craving for others to watch it. It is your will to watch it or not.

-Besides we all are independent beings n can think what we like .

Good luck n adios.

Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]

Disappearing of an old culture for the betterment of technology,society and lifestyle is not a bad thing at all. Festivals dont include that, however if ancestors followed some blind faith tradition because of lack of educational awakening or available scientific proofs, then its the duty of the young generation to NOT follow it.

- Besides Kevin's color of paints is a great example as I think that this is what USA and India both are- an mixture of so many cultures. Do give one example where a good cultural tradition was lost due to USA dominance??

-In India people in earlier times used to wear dhoti- kurtas but due to the influence of the Britishers, it all changed and people started wearing shirt, pants ,suits etc. coz they were more comfortable and easy to wear. If some other nation has something good , then there is nothing wrong in absorbing it. If u think that you have lost a culture by wearing western clothes then you should not wear it and also suggest your peers. Initiate first and suggest later.

Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]

Ok let me give u some facts--
1. Men suits- originated in early eighteetn century during Victorian era from the Britishers.
2.Jeans- is derived from word Genoa which was a clothing worn by sailors of genoa and later it became as jeans for rugged use.
3.Denims- derive from frnch word "serge de Nimes" was produced in late 16th century in France.

4.T shirts- these originated in USA carved from under-clothings , and was specifically designed for US soldiers ,marines etc and later during the great depression it was the cheapest n most common clothing worn by whole europe and america.

5-Bikini- the modern bikini was invented by French engineer Louis Reard in 1946

6-LINGERIE-Lingerie is derived from French word "Linge" and its dated as back as 3000BC worn in Egypt(documented proofs r available).

Now my friend if you see all above facts- USA invented only T shirt while all fashionable clothings were invented in France . u shud rectify urself n clear ur misunderstanding-USA does not propagates fashion in the world neither does it thrust it on anyone. Moreover France is considerd fashion capital of the world not USA-French gals r really cute -- hahahaha..

- u r in 21st century not 11th century. People dont wanna live as Nomads ...people wanna eat a pizza but cnt endure a gal wearing bikini-people wanna wear Tux but cant endure public kissing---Its all hypocrisy--if one wants to b modern, they shud accept modernization else if they wanna live in hyper control regimes-they shud go to middle east- there r plenty of countries who follow ruthless core traditions over there.

Writing Feedback / Of all the mentioned five countries, Turkey had the highest spending in food, drinks and tobacco [8]

Its Swedish n not "swedes".

- u have written this task in a good way. However in conclusion u can also write that the countries r spending more on food n lesser on education which shows that people's top prority are food n clothing.

- u shud write a generalised conclusion based on given facts, it will show ur clarity of understanding.

- I would like to c how u write Task 2 essays as they r more important than task 1.

Good luck n cheers

Writing Feedback / Of all the mentioned five countries, Turkey had the highest spending in food, drinks and tobacco [8]

Google traslator is not an accurate translator and I have consulted many people from Estonia, Russia, Denmark etc who say that one should not blindly believe google translator as they always find error in translation.

- SWEDES is an ethnic group in Sweden . Maybe Sweden citizens are called as "swedes" but I feel Swedish is more common.

-AND I WOULD like to advise you Mr. Xin that you should not post futile messages like "message posted" on other student's threads , for the sake of generating your thread,as it serves no purpose and is certainly in violation of the rules of this website.DO READ THE MASTER RULE.

Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]

I dont consider any religions inferior- I bow my head in front of ALLAH with the same respect as i bow infront of Jesus or any Hindu god n even the sikh gods too- coZ as a human i believe we shud acknowledge blessings from all.

-Why i mentioned Middle east? few days back in Times of India newspaper- I read that a woman journalist was jailed in Iran as she wanted to cover the Women's Football World Cup final. I always condemn any rude behaviour against female-Coz I live in a modern world and I believe that a woman should be given the due respect and the equality as males. You can count numerous judgments against women rights and. human rights related to middle eastern countries. I hate hypocrites .

-I dont consider any culture as inferior or superior. Science is enough to demolish all foolish blind beliefs. My ideal is APJ Abdul Kalam- former president of India-A great scientist - and above all a down to earth human...n as a matter of fact he is a Muslim but I love n respect him more than any damn Hindu leader---Its not the religion caste or color which should separate us-It shud b our attitude which will cause rift.

-By Middle East I solely meant a geographical area- as u will say India is in South-asia.

Writing Feedback / Of all the mentioned five countries, Turkey had the highest spending in food, drinks and tobacco [8]

Very good English and very thoughtful arguments have been given by you.

-However, in the introductory paragraph, do write a theme sentence stating which argument are you supporting.

-Conclusion is a little short. Maybe you should merge the last two paragraphs and shuffle lines to make a good conclusion without changing the word count.

The last line of your 2nd last paragraph ( only training or only talent....)- make it the last line of ur essay - its a lovely and very effective line.

- I cant rate your essay as am not a professional and no one here can give you an exact band score. But I think your essay is no less than 6.5 band score but dont think it as a real score as I am not an expert. When I gave my Ielts, I wrote a worse essay than this but still got 6.5 in writing section.

-Btw Seth M R Jaipuria is a famous school in lko so I think u will not have any problem in English my friend.

Gud luck ncheers

Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]

Correcting u David Beckham is an English footballer.

-Raul Gonzalez - spanish striker n also a real madrid player.

-Lionel Messi- Argentine forward footballer who also plays for Barcelona.

-and i didnt know about them from google but from my own interest in soccer.

It depends on the field of interest and none of the above players are from USA.

-As far as movies are considered Death at a funeral, Kinky boots, Charlie and the chocolate factory are alll British films... Even the famous Harry Potter series is a joint venture of US-UK artists. People watch these films mainly because their original language is English---Chinese films are mainly in chinese while spain makes spanish films... when the director makes a movie in a local language-it also attracts limited audience. I know Mandarin is considered as the language spoken by most people but I also know that neither u nor me know mandarin---we are conversing in English-so thats y movies made in English are more famous-Its the language barrier.

-USA is the super power-It has excelled in all fields -from Science to Arts, society to education-- thats why people get influenced by it... Would u not wish to study in Harvard or MIT?? I would because I know its the best...people are attracted to the best not the worst--- they have the best -I am not a U.S . citizen but I respect that country as it has shown over a long period of time that its superior in all fields not just one.

Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]

"CONSCIENCE" -THIS is the best religion in the world... no culture ,tradition,ritual, or religion is above one's conscience..when ur conscience really allows u to do anything or follow anything-only then that shud be followed... no matter if one is educated or uneducated-the conscience always knows whats right n wrong---people who do wrong actually ignore their conscience first... one should only believe in enlightening their "conscience"--- n all the gods will then certainly shower their blessings on that person.

Writing Feedback / IELTS> 'strict policies' - urbanisation - benefits and drawbacks [16]

hello,
I think that the corrections made by "hvthoteen" are correct . I would like to comment on the structuring of your essay.

In the first paragraph (Introductory para) , you have mentioned the advantages and disadvantages. This is not wrong, however I would advise you to save these points for later paragraphs instead of the introductory paragraph. More over the last sentence of the first paragraph is a really important one (Theme sentence). Your theme sentence gives the direction of your essay and is really the basis of the new writers. Professional writers can write without it also, but they know how to twist the emotions and the thinking of the reader. Do read this link to know what is the actual importance of a thesis (theme) sentence.

grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/thesis.htm

--> In the advantages section of the essay, you can write also the following points:
....availability of proper health care and attention in case of medical emergencies in cities.
.... higher standard of living and better facilities available in the cities.

---> In the disadvantages section, you can write also:
....over-crowded cities
....imbalance of the economy

----> Your conclusion is not as effective as it should be. I would advise you to write the most impactful lines in the introduction n the conclusion paragraphs. Moreover it is also a little short.

----> read the five para structuring of essays, it would be really helpful if you wanna give IELTS/TOEFL. Read this: bookrags.com/articles/4.html

I hope it will help you.

Good luck and cheers.

Writing Feedback / IELTS> 'strict policies' - urbanisation - benefits and drawbacks [16]

Firstly you cant see an IELTS essay as they dont allow you to take anything out of the exam room except ur belongings.
- what you must have seen must have been corrected by teachers or professors but not the IELTS examiners.
-I believe in a minimum 5 para approach as I was advised this by a professional examiner .

-I never say that four para is wrong. Conventional argumentative essays require a minimum five paras. Maybe you can write an exceptionally good essay in just three paras. I go by conventional methods and improvisation is never a bad thing.

-Getting 8 bands in Ielts means the person would end up getting 8.5 bands out of 9.- which is a little more than exceptionally tough. I hope you do get it. Good luck

@leafninja- theme sentence is a line in which u state the opinion u gonna support .

Writing Feedback / IELTS> 'strict policies' - urbanisation - benefits and drawbacks [16]

Thanks Naruto. My IELTS experience was a real weird one I should say. The venue was a big very big hotel of our city, plus a real hot female invigilator was there, plus the tension of performing. I did Listening task really easily, Reading I somehow finished in time.

-In writing task, the sheet they gave, I thought that I have to fit my both tasks in that only. So I wrote the whole sheet in 50 mins n then sat there relaxing. I was disappointed that I wrote only four paragraphs for task 2. Just 2 mins before the end, I noticed that other students were taking extra sheets. I felt I screwed my exam. I know u will say it weird but when ur brain is working too fast then u do miss some trivial things.

-My band scores were :
L-8.5
R-8
W-6.5
S-7

-I still blame that confusion that i got less score in writing section. My essay strcuture was bad even when I knew what it should have been, but thats luck.

-Time management is very essential. One gal in my room had noted al the listening answerz while the audio was playing ,which is allowed, but she didnt write them on answer sheets in time-DO MANAGE YOUR TIME ELSE NO MATTER HOW GOOD UR ENGLISH IS, YOU WILL BE IN BIG TROUBLE.

-HOPE IT WILL HELP U

GOOD LUCK N CHEERS MY FRIEND

Writing Feedback / IELTS> 'strict policies' - urbanisation - benefits and drawbacks [16]

Well my score is sufficient to get me admission- so I dont wanna do any sort of re-assessment. :-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl】teachers should take courses every five years to update their knowledge? [5]

Hi,
Dumi has given the most appropriate corrections required in your essay. There are several grammatical and spelling mistakes . I might sound a little rude, but work on these sections to get a good score in TOEFL.

- consult these books for making your writing skills excellent:
.Word power made easy-by norman lewis
.Wren and martin english grammar .

-All the very very best to u

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1_ the requirement of coal per person in 15 countries [3]

Rephrase your last paragraph.

-Industralized doesnt seems to be an appropriate word here. You can use "technologically advanced" term or "developed and developing" term.

-Anyways your English is great n u wud get a good score in this task for sure

good luck and cheers

Writing Feedback / IELTS--Air travel only brings advantages to the rich people? [2]

Hi Katie,
Work on your grammar part,and also the spellings too. The arguments as I personally feel aren't very strong. Plus you need to work on the conclusion part for sure. Its too short and pretty normal. Try to be a little different and think before you write. I have read your earlier essays and I feel that this one isn't as good as those. So try to think of good lines and good arguments. When you read the topic, take 5-10 mins to think about it and then write it.

Good luck and cheers
adios

Writing Feedback / Having less number of friends or more friends? Which is better? [5]

As our circle of friendship broadening (broadens), we have more chance to be introduced to diverse kind of entertainment and science.


The question has asked you to give advantages of both opinions, but you have just supported only your. In an argumentative essay, you need to consider both ways and then prove how your opinion is stronger. Conclusion part is also weak, you need to make it stronger.

good luck and cheers

Writing Feedback / IELTS - solving crime through attacking the causes of crime [2]

Hi Sangeetha,
see I told u that you will get plenty of opinions here. EF_Susan has already made the corrections necessary . You essay is very nice and you tried to cover most of the points.

-In any essay or writings, try and write currencies which are famous like-US dollar, Pound sterling or Euros .

-Caning 30 times? Don't write such statements in any writing which opposes human rights.

Rest its all very good

good luck and cheers.

Writing Feedback / The importance of natural resources (forests, animals and clean water) [16]

Hey birdman, sorry for late reply. I was busy . Anyways about your essay:

1. The first introductory para- u really dont need to write that u r going to elaborate n u have written an essay. Time and again I have told u that the thesis statement/ last line of first para- it should be very impressive and should have a great impact- So dont write ordinary lines at the start.

2. In ur next para, the animal n children corelation , I feel can be summarized as aesthetic charm and psychological effect .. maybe u should mention how animals influence the ecosystem--- give examples of the food chain etc.

3. Next u have written about importance of fresh water and related it to cars?? Come on buddy, scientists are still trying to develop this technology and when did car become so important for the survival of mankind n other organisms? maybe u should write that more than 3/4 th of earth is water yet only a minor percent can be used as fresh drinking water... n what will happen if that is also polluted??? your example is a radical idea n is yet to be made available to mankind. U can write it as a measure to control air pollution.

4. Improve ur conclusion- mention about deforestation, extinction of species, red book listed species -

This topic is such a vast topic that u will never run out of ideas.

Hope it helps.
Adios

Writing Feedback / The importance of natural resources (forests, animals and clean water) [16]

Hi birdman, I asked my friend amrosca to review ur essay too. I hope her reviews are quite a bit beneficial. Apart from that, the topic can be bifurcated into three parts mainly--y natural resources r disappearing-Their importance and then how should they be saved...

- In the quest of trying to be different , people go off the topic or cant relate to it much. Your examples are good, but keeping in mind the overall context of the topic- they aren't strong. You need to corelate how your example is important for ecosystem n the biosystem. The exampleof the cars u gave can be better said as to encourage the use of non-conventional energy resources (NCER).

-You wanna sound different, use NCER related examples which are much more technical and way different.
-I have studied environmental science and NCER both , as part of my mechanical engg. curriculum--- so I do know how important it is in terms of conserving natural resources.

- Mention about Red Book enlisted species-Its a book in which endangered species have been listed.

- Mention use of solar powered automobiles, example of how the recent oil spills near US coasts and also Indian coasts has caused damage to aquatic ecosystem.

-Be more rational n less radical.

Good luck n cheers

Writing Feedback / technology will completely replace the traditional teacher in classroom. Do you agree [8]

What exactly have you written all this for buddy? As I can see it in the speech writing section- I will consider it for that only.

-Mention the technologies which have impacted the education inschools in the best possible ways--- for eg. computers, projectors, video conferencing classes,internet and by the way- personally- even a cellfone has impacted my education in the college ( just search anything on it in case u dont know)

- If u have to write a speech , maybe you can elaborate on these points.

Good luck

Writing Feedback / make comments or even criticism on teachers or not ----IELTS [4]

Buddy,
You should write your theme sentence in the first paragraph itself...thats the rule we all follow in argumentative essays.
-moreover as a matter of fact, I am also an engineering student and i see that most of the times student just criticize teachers or comment to have fun and kill time in the class.

- A good teacher can always allow students to clear their doubts to a reaonable extent and if it requires lot of time, students can ask them after class.

I hope it helps.

Good luck

Undergraduate / "whatever decision I make with my co-members" - extracurricular activities or work [21]

@Kate47---Your comment above is one of the cheapest I ever saw on EF. Rebecca Bakare might not be having an extra-ordinary English like yours, but she surely seems to be a better human than you. Stop insulting other people when you yourself have not posted a single thread.I hope you learn some manners.

Undergraduate / 'Going to dance class every Saturday' - Common App - Topic of Choice [6]

Reading the whole thread above, I think you made considerable improvements in this essay. A really cool and interesting essay and I dont really think you need to improve it any further.It might be having some minor errors , but I cant notice them. Overall theme is really awesome ,reminded me of the movie STEP UP.

Good luck with ur dancing.

Writing Feedback / ielts - should people be forced to stop working? [5]

Hi Sangeetha,
Your essay is very good I think and you have stated very good reasons also. I am sorry I haven't been active on EF lately so I couldn't respond to your emails. However , I should say that your essay is very good and the structuring is also good , as per the required standards of English in IELTS. I hope you do well in your test.

Good luck.

Writing Feedback / How is your generation different from your parents generation? Differences? [3]

Ok since its your first attempt I would like to point out ur mistakes and give u a few tips:

UR MISTAKES:
1. Do not start a sentence with small letter, use always capitalized letters.
2. Pay attention to your grammar part which is having quite a few mistakes.
3. I am not sure if you typed it wrong but as you can see I have marked quite a few spelling mistakes, so do read the spellings of complicated words again.

TIPS:
1. Use a five para approach for writing essays in IELTS. I gave IELTS and all other people who have followed this Five para approach in IELTS/TOEFL exams have got good scores. U can google it and you can write more paragraphs than five, but I would strongly suggest not to write lesser than that.

2. The last line of the first para is a theme sentence which shows your opinion. So write it in a way that its short,sweet with a lot of thinking behind it.

I hope it will help you.
Gud luck

Undergraduate / "Boston Tea Party" - Why Boston? [2]

Some suggestions:
1. See the ranking of Boston university in the top ranking systems of the world like: QS World Rankings, Times Higher Education ranking, Shanghai academic ranking of world universities, 4icu.org ... Do not see the generalised rankings, see the position of Boston university in your concerned academic field which would be available in these sites.

2. Graduate prospects - search the profile of grads from Boston university and tell how you would like to follow in their footsteps or maybe make a trend yourself.

3. Climate- Do mention one line about the climate in Boston because many students also consider it as a parameter.

4. What you will get--- write how u will be benefitted with a degree from Boston University in your academic field and what you can offer to this world. Just know there is a lack of research oriented people in this world so maybe you can mention your interest in these fields.

Speeches / Speech: Country living VS living in the city; Evnviromental factors, activities [2]

FEW LINES YOU MIGHT CONSIDERING ADDING IN YOUR SPEECH:

There is an unusual calmness in the country side which makes our mind and soul to relax.

The fast pace life of a city can be attractive but eventually the steam runs out. Its more artificial and we all know that artificial things can be good in the shorter version of life but only nature offers us completeness.

--> Also mention that right from the air we breathe to the sounds we listen, everything is filled with purity.

--> As far as ending is concerned, I would suggest you to think of an impactful ending which can give a very strong message to the audience.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay if children should be sent to school at an early age? [6]

See this image for understanding a proper structure for such argumentative essays.

- At the end of first paragraph, write a brief, strong line stating your opinion and the point of view you are about to support. This will give the reader a brief idea about what he/she is about to read.

-The best way to explain things in essay is to co-relate it with practical examples of life. For example, say that its easier to mould when the clay is soft. I am not sure what this kind of writing is called in grammatical terms but what I have seen in good essays is that all writers try to co-relate.

I hope its helpful.
Cheers :)

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Writing Feedback / 'the world of formidable evil, injustice and detest' - IELTS essay [6]

Your writing is very awesome I feel.However, as I have pointed out in your last thread, you really need no less than 5 paragraphs in an argumentative essay. The structure of your essay is not in accordance with the generalized rules of argumentative essay writing.

-> You are supporting capital punishment in your introduction but immediately in second para, you are mentioning the drawbacks of capital punishment. In these kind of essays, always put the supporting points first to make your stand very clear. You should write the minor drawbacks of capital punishment in the 4th paragraph. Note- When you are writing any argument against the opinion you are supporting, make sure it isnt too strong to mar the whole supporting opinion of yours.

- Here is a link of the same essay I wrote when I was preparing for IELTS exam. Do have a look at it, its not the perfect one, but just fine for IELTS standards.

IELTS- capital punishment..necessary or not?

Writing Feedback / Two hundred years.. the British ruled our people [5]

I hope I am not interrupting you Mr. Rajiv. However don't you think it was our own inferiority that led a handful of Britishers to rule us for more than 200 years?

What I feel is that all cultures have their demerits which are overcome by new reformations. The caste system, no widow-remarriage, Sati system--- do you really think we need to save and encourage that kind of culture ? Probably the Gen X is losing their traditional roots, but look at what we have gained through it. In just less than 65 years, India has become one of the most powerful democracy in the world.


I am really shocked to see these lines. You really think westerners did a wrong thing by discouraging the caste system? I hope the westerners who discouraged this caste system were more humane than the eastern people who planted the idea of caste system. How can be any other human being superior to other? Why can't the lower caste people enjoy the luxuries of the upper caste, if they have worked hard for it? Just because their ancestors were so called "shudras". I really think that its the best thing that the caste system is broken down. For instance, being a student, right now what I see is that there is a 49.5% reservation in India for so called minorities and lower castes.. but when I look at the top universities of the world-Harvard, Oxbridge, Stanford etc., I never see any sort of reservation over there.


My friend, its not their label, its the reality. We are still a developing country. Look in the sector of Healthcare, Education etc. where do we stand? University of Wales in UK has been ordered to shut down after a visa fraud scandal. How many bogus India universities have you seen being shut down because of corruption? I rarely hear such news or action being taken in India. We surely have a sound economy, but look at the gap between the rich and poor.

I am not in total support of the British rule we endured . No country has the right to rule another country without its will. But when few hundred thousand Britishers ruled Million Indians,,... then don't you think it was partly our own weakness too? Look in the history, India has always been suffering because of traitors. Culture or no culture... religion or no religion ... civilized or uncivilized.... the best religion in this world is HUMANITY... the day we learn and start respecting, forgiving, loving other human being, without the thinking who is inferior or superior... we will have peace. Germans had NAZIS, but it doesnt mean that the present day Germans are bad. It was just a temporary bad patch of history and it is now gone. Some narrow minded inhumane people might still support it, and thats where we need to make improvement. A culture is never lost if its for the betterment of the society and the humanity and if a culture is lost in such evolution, then probably its a good riddance.

Writing Feedback / IELTS should fathers take care of the children while their wives work? [3]

Buddy, after reading your whole essay, I am really finding it difficult to see what opinion you are having? The whole idea of the essay is to support a particular theme. You are highlighting the pros and cons of both the aspects but not strongly stating your own opinion.

-Moreover, you really need to work on the structure and the conclusion part. The introduction and the conclusion are the main parts which will either get the reader interested or dislike your essay instantly. So try to make it most impactful.

- Read this thread. I am not sure its a good essay or not, but I wrote it when I was preparing for IELTS.
IELTS-fatherhood ,motherhood or both?

Gud luck and cheers

Undergraduate / An airplane idea that could revolutionize the world. Duke essay =) [4]

First of all, I would like to wish you best of luck of the admissions.

As far as your essay is concerned, it would be best to show them that you are a research oriented guy who wants to achieve the excellence in the field of mechanical engineering.

- You wish to design engines or aircrafts? How about an aircraft with internal combustion engines? How about a silent aircraft that can give some peace to the people living near airports.??? What about an engine that can run on water, ofcourse by separating Hydrogen from water and using it to propel the vehicle.???These are some on-going research activities in the field of mechanical engineering. You can probably mention them in your essay to show how much focussed and aware you are.

- Mention some engineering greats or some person in engineering field which inspires you. See the website of Duke University and try and find the research topics of the professors over there.. You can probably mention your interest in certain topics also.

Writing Feedback / 'Better to attend a small college or a large university?' - TOEFL Essay [3]

Hi buddy,
You can some particular points to your essay probably.
1. A bigger university will have a more diverse student crowd and will prove to be the best learning experience in your academic and personal life.

2. In a small college, one might be like a frog in a well. One will face less competition in the smaller colleges which will eventually result that the person will be not so prepared to tackle the high competition. A big university can offer more competitive and growth actuated environment.

3. Big universities can offer more scholarships as they are given more funding and research grants.

I didnt see these points in your essay which I personally think can make your essay more informative. Do think about it.

Good luck and cheers. :D

Undergraduate / 'the ins and outs of cars' - Mechanical Engineering UofT [7]

I would ask u to just specify in which stream u wanna pursue ur career in? Mechanical engg is a vast vast vast field and u shud be more specific..dont say u wanna just know abt cars? U know even on a car, there r a number of mechanical engineers who work on it- Design, production, simulation etc..

- Use a little more engineering specific words. Your SOP seems good but too generalized. You need to get more specific. You dont need to really say since childhood blah blah blah...

- Also mention the few names of people in this sector who impress you and have a big reputation.

I hope it helps.

Gud luck

Writing Feedback / 'the new supermarket in Garlsdon town positions' - Cambridge IELTS 5 writing [3]

1. I think your essay is a little long one. Try to summarize it in lesser words. 150 words min means you don't need to exceed from 200-225 either.

2. Overall a good piece of writing. Just try. to be precise and write in condensed manner. Remember the task 2 of writing is carrying more weightage in ielts than first one.

Good luck

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The steep price of petrol is not the best solution for growing traffic [4]

Hey buddy,
1. Write minimum 5 paragraphs for a good essay structuring. Google the Five paragraph approach.

2. You should write the points for and against any topic first and then write the essay. This will give you more variety in the essay.

3.For example, you have forgotten one very important aspect of the increased fuel prices. When the fuel prices increase, the transportation cost of almost all commodities increases ( as we know most tankers, trucks etc run on these fuels only ). This will result in escalating of the prices of normal essential commodities for the basic customers and thus raise the inflation rate..

4. The government needs to phase out the privately owned vehicles running on petrol/diesel etc and also the public transports. Only these transportation vehicles should be allowed to use these pollution causing fuels and rest all should be slowly and effectively phased out .

I hope this helps.
Gud luck and cheers.