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Posts by ARIA
Joined: Jan 17, 2011
Last Post: Jan 23, 2014
Threads: 16
Posts: 43  
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From: Canada

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ARIA   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The graph shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days [6]

Hi Serapke
I think your introduction is very good and you can also add a kind of overview at the end of it.
The only thing I found is that your third paragraph seems to be misleading,
The second chart explains why the usage of electricity in different times of the year has such a sharp contrast...

because the pie chart does not show the differences in consumption between winter and summer and it is about the whole proportion of consumption. The best point in interpreting of the IELTS task 1 you get in comparison of data rather than just description of that. Therefore try to compare different proportions in pie chart instead of just describing.

good luck
ARIA   
Jan 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Summarising two charts (Demand and electricity usage during typical day) [6]

Hi Hanafi

The most important point in IELTS writing task 1 is structure.
As "dumi" explained you need introduction which in best way is paraphrasing of the title with a short overview of the main points. ( in here you can say: demand on electricity in winter is far beyond of that in summer, and most of this electricity is used for heating home and water) with no number or trend.

in 1-2 next paragraphs, depends of how many words you have written in your introduction, you should compare data in figures (here you can compare exact number of consumption in winter with summer or compare the winter and summer peak of demand, or the exact proportion of electricity which was used in different sectors).

As you can see in your question sheet in IELTS they prompt you : "Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in this chart or diagram" then you need no personal feeling or any other informal writing.

good luck
ARIA   
Jan 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / Has the widespread use of the internet influenced taken the world`s control? [4]

Hi Trouble
First of all it is important to know where do you need this writing essay?
In general in all your writing I can't see anywhere to answer the main question in title. You need to write whether or not the Internet influences takes the control of the world or not. Whole your writing needs to be focused b answering this question. So that you need introduction with your opinion about the question clearly specified there with paragraph that develops your opinion with example.

As to have an idea about what you can write regarding the topic or have an outline for your writing, you can write yes because it is used almost everywhere in the world and it is good tool to influence others opinion or action as all media or communication tools have had this quality through history. then you can give example of the effect of papers and printing on human development or control that books have had on human being and, etc.
ARIA   
Sep 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 writing. Who should be responsible for subjects taught in schools? [6]

The subjects that children are taught in schools are decided by central authorities. Some people say that teachers, not politicians, should be responsible for this task. To what extent you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Education is the key element in development of a society. As in most countries, the educational system and material presented in schools are planned by government. Some argue that it has to be the responsibility of the teachers, those who are involved in teaching of those courses and subjects. I am against this belief, because authorities have a better view of what we need for a growing economy and can provide plans which fit better for our economy. Moreover, a universal plan made by government can help us to proceed into the higher education level.

Those who govern our society have a better knowledge of what is beneficial and what is not for a prosperous economy. For education like other sectors they must have plans made by experts and educational specialist. The curriculum made by those experts guaranty that students who finish their school have their jobs and keep up with economic growth. For example an industrial country education system is focused more on what is necessary for its industry development. While curriculum planned by teachers may be at interest of teachers and do not help the society to reach its goals for economic prosperity.

The education system in a country needs to be common in whole country. Despite the subjects and courses in higher education, which are more specific and diversified, material taught in primary and high schools are more general. These subjects need to be the same in schools around the country, hence it covers all information required for the higher education. Therefore, all students in country fallow a common program and learn the same material which helps them in better way to continue their education in university.

In conclusion, although the government is not formed with those who teach at school, they can plan our educational system by experts in a way that to be more productive for our economy and provide an integrated and uniform system of education for a higher level.
ARIA   
Sep 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] the portrait of Jane Austen; Integrated Writing [2]

Dear JOY HU first of all you forgot to put the question that you need to write about that.
second I suggest to review your writing after you finish that.this can help you to get ride of some small mistake that you might miss at your writing such as "... permission had never see her before" or " what is said in the lecturer challenges..".

your introduction with some trimming looks very good, while your other paragraph try to hook the point but in a complicated way.
I assume the question in this writing is " what are the points mentioned in excerpt which is refuted in lecturer comments?"
they are 3 :
1- the fact that the portrait of Jane Austen is original and represent her image is rejected by following reasons. (it can be in your introduction)

2-the portrait made by Ozias Humphrey was painted 70 years after Jane Austen's death, therefore the family members who affirmed the authenticity of the portrait had no idea how she was looked like. and portrait could be one of the relatives, such as cousin of the well known author. (see this two facts can be claimed in two separate paragraph.)

3- the portrait suggested in writing part be Humphrey's work just based on the style with no other authenticity such as name or signature, had a sign on its canvas which reveal the origin of that from a vendor named "William Legg" and it had proved that this kind of canvas was not marketed in London unless Austen was at the age of 27.

surely you have found these 2-3 facts but your style of explanation can not convey these results.
I think your problem is time frame and you try to write it at the allocated time. but I suggest first focus at a correctly answering the question then focus on your time management.

Keep trying and good luck.
ARIA   
Sep 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS - CAM 4 - TASK 1 - DEMAND FOR ELECTRICITY IN ENGLAND [6]

H there
it is a good beginning which can be better with some trimming and better organization of the main information.
there are some suggestion:
#1-I think it is better to define your introduction from the rest of writing by pasting a part of your second para to the first para.

The line graph compares the daily consumption of electricity in England ...
#2-there is not "the daily consumption" and it is "daily demand" which is totally different entity. you mentioned that in your both first and third paragraph.

#3- I believe using word "reaches to its lowest level" is more academic than "has its bottom", however, its correct form would be "in both winter and summer time energy demands reached on its lowest level at 6-9 am and around midnight",

Keep going
good luck.
Aria
ARIA   
Sep 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Writing Task 2: OPINIONS ABOUT GOVERNMENT FUNDING OF ARTISTS. [5]

Thanks guys.
First of all you are right, I needed to put "alternative sources" instead of " health and education" in introduction.
In my second Para, I think I discussed the view and also gave an example for "alternative sources".
An especial thanks for "dumi" your blue sentence , was the one that I was looking for.
Aria
ARIA   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Writing Task 2: OPINIONS ABOUT GOVERNMENT FUNDING OF ARTISTS. [5]

Some people think that government should give financial support for creative artists such as musicians and painters. Others think that creative artists should be funded by alternative sources. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

People have different views on whether it is wise decision to spend public money for art and artists. Some believe that government need to invest on art, while others think they have other priorities such as health, education and security. Although, there are good arguments in favor of both views I believe investment on art should be done by both public and private supports.

Art is as an important element of the culture. As one of the government's legacies is to promote cultural promotion and its value in society, investment on art and those who create it is an important pace taken for that society. Government can develop facilities for education and training of artists, provide facilities for their performance or exhibitions, or invest on projects for creation of artistic products. In each country there are artifacts that are well known as national symbol, such as Eiffel Tower in France or Statue of Liberty in United States. Without public funding, creating of these monuments was on doubt.

On the other side of the debate, there are those who believe government has other important issues such as health, education, or security. Investing money on cultural issues before advancing on those essential priorities is just wasting the materials. Moreover, they also argue that the art is considered as a profession and artists like others who have jobs should find their own client and sell their products to those who are interested.

Put in a nutshell, there are good reasons in both sides of spending public or private money on art and artists, but I believe in an average society art as cultural element need to be supported by both public and private sectors.
ARIA   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries [4]

1- There are several reasons of causing serious effects of obesity: Clear this, those reasons are "cause" of obesity or "Effect"

"There are several reasons that can cause obesity". OR. "There are several reasons that their effects are wight gaining.

2-"is now a general issue anywhere around the world." When you mentioned general, it results that can be seen everywhere. it is better to omit "anywhere".

3- your second paragraph conclude that playing computer game or watching TV are considered "growth of magnificent standard of living".
you try to prove your vocabulary in cost of your writing coherence.

4-Still you have not responded one of the questions in your essay. "the effect of the obesity". you mentioned diabetes , heart disease or cancers but in your writing they are as a result of eating too much. remember the main point in either IELTS or TOEFL test come from "proper and coherent answering of questions"

5-there is a notion in any language called "Collocation", seen in each language it is defined as; a sequence of words that often occur together. try to read more about that ant try to use more frequent and usual used words.

6- Don't give up reading along with writing, there is no short cut, only practice.

Good luck
ARIA   
Apr 24, 2011
Writing Feedback / The new technology killed our traditions. [5]

Thank you David
Those are a very on point correction . I like suggestion like that, because they show the way that we can see better our weakness and help us to think english rather than our native language. I will appreciate your further comments.

Aria
ARIA   
Apr 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / Map of Garlsdon Town; industrial and residential sectors and facilities; IELTS [3]

The below scheme shows a detailed map of Garlsdon Town with its relations to different industrial and residential sectors and facilities, and 2 proposed locations for eventual supermarket in this town.

According to the map, the S1 site situated in the peripheral rural area of the town, while S2 site in Garlsdon town centre within a no traffic zone area.

S1 site is in proximity of Hindon city in its 12 km distance and 10000 populations, while the S2 site is in a way of Cransdon in its 25 km distance and Bransdon in its 16 km distance. The population for the Cransdon and Bransdon is 29000 and 15000 persons, respectively.

While the S2 site is situated in the half through way of the 2 main industrial zones in the Garlsdon town, the S2 site is close to one of these zones.

There is a main railway, which passes through the Garlsdon town, and both S1 and S2 sites have the same remoteness to this railway.



  • Map of Garlsdon
ARIA   
Apr 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / <IELTS> should goverment control media crime? [3]

Hi Katie
I suggest, it is better to fit your writing structure more within an "introduction", included your "thesis statements", followed by paragraphs, which elaborate and exemplified your reasons and a "conclusion" at the end.

This essay would be great if you changed some of your paragraphs' layout. It is more reasonable if you put your 2nd paragraph at the beginning then followed by your first sentence, and then mention the reasons that government should control the media. It easily can reflect your "thesis statement" in a good "introduction" with your reasons.

In other words your grammar and vocabulary explained very well the reasons but they don't have a logical order and the reader in each paragraph meet a new fact or opinion.

Keep on try and good luck.

Aria
ARIA   
Apr 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / The new technology killed our traditions. [5]

Hi Guys
thank you in advance for your comments and suggestions
Cross your fingers for my next week IELTS Test
Aria

Q: When a country develops its technology, the traditional akills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

When it comes to the effect of new technologies on our traditional style, some people think it killed our older methods, while other consider our old tradition can remains and survives. I believe the most of our technologies are the continuous development of our traditional one and some of them can stay along with the new ones. Moreover, the traditional styles can survive, if have their recognized value.

Most of the time, the technological development in a country is not a new starting, and countries just try to improve their own way of production in a new method that have a faster speed. For example, Japan was and still is a one of the most important producer of products such as pearl or silk in the world. The new technology in these two goods helps the Japanese to keep up their production paces rather than modifying that.

Moreover, if a traditional method is not interfering with new technology, there is always chance to survive. In the market today we have different kind of some food products such as wine in 2 different ways of industrial scaled produced and homemade products. Each ones have their own consumers then both method of production can still be used.

At the end, both old-fashioned style and new style have their own market preferences. Sometimes the values of the traditional style could be far beyond of the newer method. For example, years ago some countries start to develop a new way to produce rugs by machine rather than man made ones. Despite the existence of those cheap machine made rugs, the handcrafted one still are more expensive but popular.

In a nutshell, the effect of technological developments on traditional methods cannot be significant, because, new technologies are modified traditional styles. The old styles can survive the market as long as they do not interfere with products of new technologies, and there are also some old-fashioned made products, which are more popular despite of their higher expenses.
ARIA   
Apr 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / Coaches are the best teachers. Agree or disagree with this statement? [6]

Hi Kamila.

First of all, it is a better idea to put the entire essay title in your subject area, then we would have a better idea about the what you are going to write.

Second if your writing is for IELTS exam I don't think you accomplished all criteria, which an IELTS paper should have.

A book entitled "Preparation and practice Reading Writing academic module" can help you better to put your essay in an easy and acceptable format, which contains

"Introduction with your thesis statement + " 2-3 paragraph with your reasons and examples" + "conclusion"

You used some complicated and strong words, which make you to fail the proper conveying of information or meaning of what you try to tell. For example, when you talk "the heel of Achilles" of something in fact you talk about the weakness of that thing, while in contrary with what you mentioned earlier here about its "important role".

Your reason in the second paragraph is the repetition of your first reason, and then you might loose your points.

In conclusion you again repeated your opinion again without your reasons.

Keep try and write more and more

Happy writing

Aria
ARIA   
Apr 20, 2011
Writing Feedback / US marriage and divorce in 1970 and 2000. IELTS Task [10]

Thank you very much guys.
Your advices especially about the "introduction present tense, main body past tens" from neeta was extraordinary. I have checked some research paper and I found the same pattern.

with your permission I am going to close this posting till be able to submitt a new one.
Aria
ARIA   
Apr 16, 2011
Writing Feedback / US marriage and divorce in 1970 and 2000. IELTS Task [10]

Hi Guys
I cannot find the electronic version for this essay's bar charts. is there anybody who can help me?

The two bar charts show the numbers of marriage and divorces in USA in 4 different years of 1970, 80, 90 and respectively 2000, and comparison of the marital statue of Americans in 1970 and 2000. As a holistic trend it can be seen that he the numbers of marriages in America slightly dropped during these years and a comparison between 1970 and 2000 shows that percentage of the bachelors and divorced persons has rose up.

According to the first bar chart, on one hand, the number of marriages ceremony during first period remains constant on 205 million marriages at year, then this number start to decline on the next two-time period from approximately 2.25 millions from 1990 to 2 millions in 2000. On the other hand, the numbers of divorces start to rise from 1 million in 1970 to 1.4 millions in 1980, then started to drop in 1.1 and later 1 million in 1990 and 2000, respectively.

As far as the comparison of the marital status of the American years 1997 and 2000 is concerned, the second bar chart shows that the majority of the American in both years were married and less remained bachelor. Although, in 1970 there were more married and widowed rather than 2000, the numbers of those did not try to marry or failed their marriage in 2000 have risen.

In conclusion, the bar charts show that that there is a slight decline in marriages and a modest up and down trend in number of divorces during this for time period, and in comparison with year 2000, in 1970 there were less married and widowed along with more bachelors and divorced people.
ARIA   
Apr 16, 2011
Writing Feedback / Different Forms of Entertainment ( Bar Graph) Task 1 [5]

Hi Turalfh

I made some changes in your first paragraph, but as a first try for essay it is a good job, unless to be more cautious about the writing of graph or tables. the first thing is to be focus on wholistic results, and it needs a 5 minutes thinking and making an strategy for writing. Thia is the most challenging part and if you go over some of my thread about Task 1 you will see that I also have some mostakles like this. first o fall as you see the task asks you to more compare the expenditure rather than describing just each bar. then the main goal in this writing is to show the trends comparisons. I think it is better to

compare the
1- A holistic comparison of the three regions.
2- The trend of the changes in each region during that time.
and if htere are enough time and place
3- the major changing or shifting of the preferences.

I think first start to do your writing regardless on how long you take time to do this, then try to increase your speed and and other qualities.

The graph gives us the information aboutcompares the amount of expenditure of on four different forms of entertainments between 1995 and 2000 in Asia, Europe and United States. It can be clearly seen that there is an upward trend in all kinds of entertainments mentioned in the graph.

The field which was spent the most money is publishing by US: 75 bln in 1995 and over 100 bln in 2000. The cost of publishing in US is more than the overall expenditure of Asia in 2000. Television market increased by 100% ( from 50 bln to 100 bln). Although cinema, video and music spending is rising, it is less than 40 billion altogether.

Europe takes an average position. Over a five-year period, publishing went up to nearly twice. Television and cinema, video rose, while music fluctuated in five years. Albeit, Asia spends least in three world markets, the amount of money spent between 1995 and 2000 is more than the one of Europe. All kinds of entertainment virtually increased twice

All in all, US has kept tis domineering position in five years. the Unidet States spends more money on entertainment than Asia and Europe together.

Word Count: 192
ARIA   
Apr 16, 2011
Writing Feedback / Spending life time in a changing manner. IELTS Task 2 [6]

Thank you Neeta
You are absolutely right. my main problem is the time limit. I have to write and revise both 2 essay in one hour and I used to write the revised draft as soon as I finishe the time. sometimes when I back and see my writing easiky observ where is my Weakness.

Anyway, thank you for your comment and effort.
Aria
ARIA   
Apr 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL eassy- it is easier to succeed nowadays than in the past. agree or not? [4]

Dear Daliqin

Lets start with your forum type which is "Essaya, Term Papers" which I am not sure is related to your "TOEFL Eaay Feedback" then be careful about your request in posting a thread.

Regarding to your writing as a TOEFL Essay, it is better to have an acceptable structure as Essay for TOEFL. In this essay sample, which I found it far from standards in TOEFL essay writing, you need some work out on your grammar along with vocabulary. Your writing looks like as a speech which you can tell and go further,remember that in writing you will leave behind some evidences that are observed and judged by the readers. I can give you a some suggestions that can prompt you have a acceptable structure or in other words a departure and destination point.

Lets start first with writing structure in TOEFL or any other essays.
A quick review of the structure in essays shows that you should have an comprehensive introduction with your thesis statement and arguments about the question or any other request in essay title, followed with 2-3 paragraphs elaborating each of your arguments and providing an example, and at the end a conclusion which is a rephrasing of the introduction.

This 3 steps are streight forward and easy to carry out; however need some effort and practises.

Now let go back to your essay and see if you accomplished all of this needs?
Do you find any argument or point of view about the " Is easier today to have a success rather than the past?"
Then you start your first paragraph with:
" Some people might suggest people in the past are more likely to success. ,,,,"
without giving a reason that why people suggest this idea. then you continue the same argument without providing any example and this pattern is going further without any result that be seen at the end and close your paragraph.

In the next paragraph, you start talking about the "Back to today's life..." new life and technology, you start a another chapter about pressure in job or unfairness without any defined resolution.

The next paragraph is the same failure as I said for other parts, and your conclusion is very short and incomplete.

After a couple of times reading your essay the reader can understand what do you intend to say, but in TOEFL the score is given on how you correctly and coherently provide your opinion.

There are also some vocabulary mistake such as : to success, which it is supposed to be
to succeed and some small other points.
do not forgot that a good writing is a stuctured and goal oriented one.
keep on trying and goood luck.

Aria
ARIA   
Apr 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / Spending life time in a changing manner. IELTS Task 2 [6]

Hi good friends
there is a Task 2 IELTS writing, and I appreciate in advance your comment.
Aria

Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding changes. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

When it comes to the changes in life, some people like a monotone rhythm of life with the same place and people, which they see every day and years, whereas, other like a dynamic and challenging mode of living, that give them different opportunities. I found a monotone life style is boring and like most of the time to change my job, places and even hobbies. It can help in better way to get ride of a uniform of and usual life pattern and give you the chance to see and meet other place and people.

The first thing that a changeable mode of living gives you is that you leave a boring and repetitive rhythm of your daily life. It is tiring to meet the same people everyday and go to the same way to reach in your workplace, or give the same salary, either. The kind of life that you have can also influence your performance and have effect on your abilities. It is like to watch a movie times and times without adding any new pleasure or information to you.

Moreover, modifying your usual life such as changing your job or place give you the opportunity to visit more places and meet different people. Furthermore by changing your lifestyle you have a better chance to promote your material and mental states. Changing in different levels at school during our education life is a good example of changing and enjoying of our life.

In conclusion, although, some people prefer to have their life as constant as they can, I prefer to have a more dynamic and actively changeable life. it will be a chance to see different environments and challenges years and years while see more places and fabulous people, which can provide me more opportunities.
ARIA   
Apr 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS (task 2) A year break for traveling or work before joining university. [10]

Hi Neeta
As I see here and some of your comments your english is pretty good and in this essay your work is very decent. I am not entering to your grammar or vocabulary, but I would like to talk more about the structure of your writing, especially its "Coherence"

your introduction is very good with exeption of the some issues which seems to be a matter of different taste. I believe it is better at the end is better not to say " This essay will look at ..."

Watch the unity and logical order in your following paragraph.

Its often argued that a year gap will not benefit youngster. Opponents, think that young generation are more likely to have inadequate education (ARGUMENT) because many find it hard to restart with academic qualification,( REASON) .. A large percent of this group either drops out from university or struggles to scope up with the standards set by the

university (RESULT OR SOLUTIONS OR EXAMPLES).

THEN YOU SHOULD BRING SOME EXAPLE OR INFORMATION TO CLOSE YOUR ARGUMENT THEN GO TO THE NEXT ARGUMENTS
SUCH AS :
"this one year gap can give them the opprtunity to advance their knowledge about the university life and education."
were as some finds the work more interesting which gives them an opportunity to earn. I did not get this part, you might mean "whereas some find..." that means you should bring arguments contrary to the information in previous sentence. It should be like your previous sentence with (ARGUMENT, REASON, RESULT OR SOLUTION OR EXAMPLE)

Refuters, also believe that the time period between completing high school and joining university is more than sufficient for young people to discover the world or to understand functioning of corporate world.

WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH REFUTERS? DO YOU MEANS THOSE YOU MENTIONED AT THE BEGINING OF THE PARAGRAPH?
HERE YOU SHOULD HEVE THE ARGUMENT,RESON, RESULT OR SOLUTION OR EXAMPLE.


I found your second paragraph a good examples of the missing part in previous paragraph.

In your coclusion you stated your opinion, an extra information that was not asked in the title. you should write justabout what they asked, otherwise you will lose your point.

As I told your grammar and vocabulary are perfect, what you need is a coherent structure.

Keep on writing and good luck\

Aria
ARIA   
Apr 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'cocoon to become a silk' - The life cycle of silkworm. IELTS chart [5]

Thank again you Collin for your fabulous comments.

Actually I copy all of your suggestions and keep those separately in a file, because i am afraid i will lose them if I keep them just here. It is more effective to learn while you learn from your own mistakes. I have been writing english for about one year on and off, but never I have the same understanding of some of my mistakes and notions such as apposition and verbs tenses.

Have a great time
Aria
ARIA   
Apr 14, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'cocoon to become a silk' - The life cycle of silkworm. IELTS chart [5]

Hi Penfriends
there is an Task 1 IELTS writing.
I appreciate your time and all of your effort for your suggestion.
Aria

The first diagram shows the life cycle of the silkworm, which takes around 72-94 days and the second diagram shows the process in which the silk textile are made from the cocoons, a part of the silkworm life cycle.

According to the first figure the silkworm life cycle starts from laying eggs from mature moth. After 10 days that the larvae come out of the eggs and start to consume mulberry leaves as their main source of nutrition. During the next 4-6 weeks they become larger in size and start to secret silk fibre, which makes a shelter around them and is known as Cocoon. In the next 3-8 days the cocoon become totally close from inside and the larvae complete their last phase of metamorphism in the next 16 days. At the end of this period the mature moth come out from the cocoon and start a new life cycle in its own round.

The fate of the cocoon to become a silk fabric is started after selecting of the cocoons in the first step. Later the cocoons are put in the boiled water, by which the micro fibre of the silk that their length varied between 300-900 meter are unwind from the cocoons and twisted together to become a thicker and stronger thread. Those threads will be dyeing in different colours and send to the last step of producing the silk cloth, which is known as weaving.



  • figurs 1 & 2
ARIA   
Apr 14, 2011
Writing Feedback / Creating an ideal society. If it's possible, how can we do it? [8]

Thank you again Collin and this time I have to appreciate more. I absolutely understand what you mean and you effectively convey what you wanted to say. as I told before now I try to write more and be cautious about what I write, which reflect my opinion; however it seems a little difficult for a non English native speaker to express the feeling in English. The main point is to try more.

I am looking forward to seeing that my essays be revised by you.
Have a great time
Aria
ARIA   
Apr 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / Creating an ideal society. If it's possible, how can we do it? [8]

Thank you very much Collin

I really apreciate it. I actually was reading one of your comments on an essay which I found it vey useful, when I came back I have already put some comment on my essay. This kind of elaborative suggestions make us to say: this site is a perfect place for improving our writing. After finding this site I can say I love to write in english.

Aria
ARIA   
Apr 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Prize money and fame as motivation to sporting champions [5]

Hi Hui Li
As I saw some of your essays your grammar and vocabulary is very good, but your essay need some polishing. There are some of my suggestions and it would be great to find if am I right or not.

Some suggestion:

First try to avoid using the same words in title in your introduction. As I have heard and see in some of the IELTS books it can cut your points and is really frustrating to lose some points just because of this issue despite your nice vocabulary and grammar.

In your introduction try to include your opinion or argument, which there easily you could mention them.

As I told your grammar and vocabulary is perfect then try to keep on try, but sometimes your grammar would be affected by using long and complicated sentences. I think it is seen in the part that I changed and the immediate following sentence " With this change, the uncertainty is no longer viewed as hindrances for them to strive for excellence in the profession as great performance in sport will certainly bring about lucrative rewards."
ARIA   
Apr 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / Creating an ideal society. If it's possible, how can we do it? [8]

Hi Guys
Thank you in advance for your comment and suggestion.
Is any body knows how I can add a graph or image which its format is not with .jpg
actually I wrote a task 1 writing and I don't have the electronic version of the chart. how can I attach the image. the only thing that I have is just "scrap object"

it would be great if to find.
Aria

People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?

There are different definitions for a perfect society, which could be made from different points of views. Human beings during the history always tried to create one of these communities as groups, countries, tribes, etc, and because of different reasons its effort could not have a brilliant result. I believe an ideal society is a place which all people have the same right and freedom regardless to their colours, religions, or ethnicities. it has a healthy and logical structures, which help the society to reach in a perfect relationship, and achieves its goal.

Nowadays, the most important issue for any person is living in an egalitarian society. All people should have the same right and freedom for the way they want to live. This right should be available for all members of society, regardless to their mode of thinking, belief, or race. In this way these people consider the society their own home and help to increase the quality and value of there. Now we can observe an influx of immigration from different nationality to different developed countries, which praise this value and equality and contribute on empowerment of those countries as their own country.

More over, an ideal community is a place where is build upon a healthy and logical structure. In such a place any kind of problem is each person problem and would be discussed within the members of the society regarding to their expertise, and the resolution come out by a healthy and open mind discussion from inside of that society. It can be clearly seen that in most of the developed countries, which led the main economical and technological powers in the last two centuries, the solutions for their problems came out from their own by smart decision based on their public opinions.

In a nutshell, although there could be a different definition for a perfect society, I believe a perfect society is one where all members have the same right and with freedom, so they easily can collaborate to plan and achieve their goal in order to make their future.
ARIA   
Apr 10, 2011
Writing Feedback / Should Schools Offer Moral Class? (SAT and homework) [4]

Hi Lily

Try to write your essay as an essay. Think it would be published on a paper or something like that. your essay have a structure like an interview.

Do not give an example which need a research, like "Scottsboro Case", otherwise it can confuse the reader.

If you are looking for some example of the importance of the moral, as you toled at the begining of your thread there are some:

"the human society is based on moral values and ethics and there are some historic example such as Rome Empire which lost its existence because the lack of moral"

"Our family integration is based on morals..."
"Those who respect moral values live better"

Do not start a sentence with "AND".

Is your last paragraph your conclusion?
ARIA   
Apr 10, 2011
Writing Feedback / "What is a good son or a good daughter?" - TOEFL iBT sobject [7]

Hi Mahru
As you see on Annika correction, she or he corrected those part that I told you before are not based on English thinking. It is good idea to keep those parts and consider those for your future writing.

try shorter sentences. long sentenses make you prone for gramatical mistakes.
for example the below sentense

Moreover, our parents brought up us to the world and grew up us with all difficulties in the life; they woke up during all the nights when we was ill, they helped us to learning our lessons during our education, and whenever we needneeded help they supported us in critical times of our life.

good luck and keep on try
ARIA   
Apr 1, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts Graph (mortality and funding on different diseases) [8]

Thank you ajit.
That was a great point. I hope I wont have the same issue in the future.
I think it is the best way for essay forum users to have a group of people who know eachother and are familliar more with our style of writing. at this way we can focous more on the pit falls and easier can reach to tthe points.

good luck
ARIA   
Apr 1, 2011
Writing Feedback / (chart) Leisure activity in different ages, IELTS Task 1 [2]

Hi Guys
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

time 38 minutes
227 words

The table shows how the people of Someland in different age groups spent their spare time during a year. It is clearly seen that two extreme age groups, teenagers and those over 70s, spent most of their time watching TV or videos, while the physical activities are almost zero on those over 60s.

It can be seen that some activities such as watching TV had a bimodal pattern in different age groups. Teens spent almost 1200 hr/yr of their time in front of silver screen, after that the TV lost its popularity in following age groups and reached in its lowest level in those in their 30s with around 400 hr/yr. Furthermore, it started to increase to about 110 hr/yr in those on their 70s.

Moreover, those in their 30s and 40s in comparison with other age groups liked to socialise a better time with small groups of the their friends. A practice which is more popular with bigger groups in younger ages, teenagers and those in their 20s, respectively.

As far as the physical activities are concerned, it was more popular at age groups who feel younger and more energetic.

In conclusion, people of Someland spent their leisure time regarding to their age.
Youngsters had more social and physical activities, however those in advanced age preferred to spend their time in sedentary and smaller size groups.




ARIA   
Apr 1, 2011
Writing Feedback / Some people like to communicate by e-mail and voice mail. Less face-to-face action? [4]

Hi dear Mahru

As I see your weak point in writing is the problem of other "Farsi" speakers. In fact you have written a kind of translation of the your Farsi thinking.

The part such as:

"My major reasons for this idea are listed below"

is authentic Farsi thinking and speaking.

Don't worry it is not a big fault. I can say that I and all other languages speakers are suffering from the same problem, too. The easiest thing is to listen and read more English.

Regarding to your writing, I have to say it is a little complicated. At the beginning for writing essay try to use short and easy sentences, which try easily to convey the information and avoid long and complicated sentences. The next small problem with your writing is your structure. As a rule in TOEFL or IELTS the structure of the essay is almost authentic with some minute differences.

Frankly speaking, your introduction does not contain the proper explanation of the problem, which is the difference between direct and indirect communication.
You have started with issues like new technologies and email ..., which are not too relevant to the question, which is
" What do you prefer? The direct or indirect communication?"
Your introduction could be started like this:

" When it comes to the way that we can communicate with others some people prefer sending the email or voice message, while other like to contact with others directly by email or phone calls. I believe the direct communication like calling directly or meeting in person can be more convenient or reliable.

First, ( give your reason and its examples but with short sentences and easier words"
Second, (again your reason and examples)
Third, (again your reason and examples)

Important Note: It is better to have at least 3 reasons because you can provide less complication and fulfill your words limit.

Conclusion: restatement of your reasons without adding a new arguments or reasons, as well as avoiding the use of the same vocabulary in the title or question.

I hope you got the main points and if there is any question do not hesitate to ask.

Keep trying
ARIA   
Apr 1, 2011
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] letter-writing skills will disapear, agree or not? [7]

Hi chao

Your essay is perfect. I think it needs just some minuscule changes. I prefer not to tell those as mistake and as a kind of different taste in writing. I think it would be better to include your reason as a "thesis statement" in introduction.

For example:
"Personally, I can agree with this view, because the technology easily replaced the quality of letter-writing with activities such as chatting or sending informal email writing. Moreover, there is no mandatory program in high school curriculum to force students a better writing skill."
ARIA   
Mar 31, 2011
Writing Feedback / (charts) EDUCATION ACHIEVEMENT IN WOMEN IN 1945-1995. [3]

The pie charts compare difference of the education levels of women in Someland between years 1945 and 1995. It is clearly seen that illiterate women who formed more than a third of the women population in 1945 has disappeared in 1995, in stead half of the women population in 1995 had a first degree.

First, in 1945 women with the education level less than 3 years were about 70 % of female population, while 35% of them were illiterate, while only 4% of them finished higher level of education as post graduate and only 1% had their first degree.

In other side in 1995 there are no more women with education level of lower than 6 years, moreover they reached to the place that 50% of them have achieved their first degree, and the percentage of the women with postgraduate degree reached to 20%.

In conclusion, comparison of the pie charts demonstrates that from 1945 to 1995 the illiteracy in Someland' women has totally eradicated and at the end of the period more women in Someland have higher education.

time 24 minutes
word count 179



  • chart 1

  • chart 2
ARIA   
Mar 31, 2011
Writing Feedback / Ielts Graph (mortality and funding on different diseases) [8]

Thank you for all your comments,
There is a small problem regarding using the past time. Actually, I followed the instruction about the tenses in describing a graph or chart, from a material which its link is here: world-english.org/ielts_writing.pdf

there is said:
"Notice that the Simple Past tense used. Even though it describes
information from the past, the graph shows the information in the present
time" p(18)
I am wondering if there is reliable source or not?
tnx