Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The graph shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days [6]

Hi Serapke
I think your introduction is very good and you can also add a kind of overview at the end of it.
The only thing I found is that your third paragraph seems to be misleading,
The second chart explains why the usage of electricity in different times of the year has such a sharp contrast...

because the pie chart does not show the differences in consumption between winter and summer and it is about the whole proportion of consumption. The best point in interpreting of the IELTS task 1 you get in comparison of data rather than just description of that. Therefore try to compare different proportions in pie chart instead of just describing.

good luck

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Summarising two charts (Demand and electricity usage during typical day) [6]

Hi Hanafi

The most important point in IELTS writing task 1 is structure.
As "dumi" explained you need introduction which in best way is paraphrasing of the title with a short overview of the main points. ( in here you can say: demand on electricity in winter is far beyond of that in summer, and most of this electricity is used for heating home and water) with no number or trend.

in 1-2 next paragraphs, depends of how many words you have written in your introduction, you should compare data in figures (here you can compare exact number of consumption in winter with summer or compare the winter and summer peak of demand, or the exact proportion of electricity which was used in different sectors).

As you can see in your question sheet in IELTS they prompt you : "Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in this chart or diagram" then you need no personal feeling or any other informal writing.

good luck

Writing Feedback / Has the widespread use of the internet influenced taken the world`s control? [4]

Hi Trouble
First of all it is important to know where do you need this writing essay?
In general in all your writing I can't see anywhere to answer the main question in title. You need to write whether or not the Internet influences takes the control of the world or not. Whole your writing needs to be focused b answering this question. So that you need introduction with your opinion about the question clearly specified there with paragraph that develops your opinion with example.

As to have an idea about what you can write regarding the topic or have an outline for your writing, you can write yes because it is used almost everywhere in the world and it is good tool to influence others opinion or action as all media or communication tools have had this quality through history. then you can give example of the effect of papers and printing on human development or control that books have had on human being and, etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - CAM 4 - TASK 1 - DEMAND FOR ELECTRICITY IN ENGLAND [6]

As long as it doesn't mention the time, it is OK if use the present tense.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 writing. Who should be responsible for subjects taught in schools? [6]

I really appreciate your effort, particularly Ahmad.
Now, I realize where are my weak points.
Is that OK with you Ahmad to ask you any eventual question via email?
I find that more convenient.
Thanks a lot
Aria

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] the portrait of Jane Austen; Integrated Writing [2]

Dear JOY HU first of all you forgot to put the question that you need to write about that.
second I suggest to review your writing after you finish that.this can help you to get ride of some small mistake that you might miss at your writing such as "... permission had never see her before" or " what is said in the lecturer challenges..".

your introduction with some trimming looks very good, while your other paragraph try to hook the point but in a complicated way.
I assume the question in this writing is " what are the points mentioned in excerpt which is refuted in lecturer comments?"
they are 3 :
1- the fact that the portrait of Jane Austen is original and represent her image is rejected by following reasons. (it can be in your introduction)

2-the portrait made by Ozias Humphrey was painted 70 years after Jane Austen's death, therefore the family members who affirmed the authenticity of the portrait had no idea how she was looked like. and portrait could be one of the relatives, such as cousin of the well known author. (see this two facts can be claimed in two separate paragraph.)

3- the portrait suggested in writing part be Humphrey's work just based on the style with no other authenticity such as name or signature, had a sign on its canvas which reveal the origin of that from a vendor named "William Legg" and it had proved that this kind of canvas was not marketed in London unless Austen was at the age of 27.

surely you have found these 2-3 facts but your style of explanation can not convey these results.
I think your problem is time frame and you try to write it at the allocated time. but I suggest first focus at a correctly answering the question then focus on your time management.

Keep trying and good luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - CAM 4 - TASK 1 - DEMAND FOR ELECTRICITY IN ENGLAND [6]

H there
it is a good beginning which can be better with some trimming and better organization of the main information.
there are some suggestion:
#1-I think it is better to define your introduction from the rest of writing by pasting a part of your second para to the first para.

The line graph compares the daily consumption of electricity in England ...
#2-there is not "the daily consumption" and it is "daily demand" which is totally different entity. you mentioned that in your both first and third paragraph.

#3- I believe using word "reaches to its lowest level" is more academic than "has its bottom", however, its correct form would be "in both winter and summer time energy demands reached on its lowest level at 6-9 am and around midnight",

Keep going
good luck.
Aria

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Writing Task 2: OPINIONS ABOUT GOVERNMENT FUNDING OF ARTISTS. [5]

Thanks guys.
First of all you are right, I needed to put "alternative sources" instead of " health and education" in introduction.
In my second Para, I think I discussed the view and also gave an example for "alternative sources".
An especial thanks for "dumi" your blue sentence , was the one that I was looking for.
Aria

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries [4]

1- There are several reasons of causing serious effects of obesity: Clear this, those reasons are "cause" of obesity or "Effect"

"There are several reasons that can cause obesity". OR. "There are several reasons that their effects are wight gaining.

2-"is now a general issue anywhere around the world." When you mentioned general, it results that can be seen everywhere. it is better to omit "anywhere".

3- your second paragraph conclude that playing computer game or watching TV are considered "growth of magnificent standard of living".
you try to prove your vocabulary in cost of your writing coherence.

4-Still you have not responded one of the questions in your essay. "the effect of the obesity". you mentioned diabetes , heart disease or cancers but in your writing they are as a result of eating too much. remember the main point in either IELTS or TOEFL test come from "proper and coherent answering of questions"

5-there is a notion in any language called "Collocation", seen in each language it is defined as; a sequence of words that often occur together. try to read more about that ant try to use more frequent and usual used words.

6- Don't give up reading along with writing, there is no short cut, only practice.

Good luck

Writing Feedback / The new technology killed our traditions. [5]

Thank you David
Those are a very on point correction . I like suggestion like that, because they show the way that we can see better our weakness and help us to think english rather than our native language. I will appreciate your further comments.

Aria

Writing Feedback / <IELTS> should goverment control media crime? [3]

Hi Katie
I suggest, it is better to fit your writing structure more within an "introduction", included your "thesis statements", followed by paragraphs, which elaborate and exemplified your reasons and a "conclusion" at the end.

This essay would be great if you changed some of your paragraphs' layout. It is more reasonable if you put your 2nd paragraph at the beginning then followed by your first sentence, and then mention the reasons that government should control the media. It easily can reflect your "thesis statement" in a good "introduction" with your reasons.

In other words your grammar and vocabulary explained very well the reasons but they don't have a logical order and the reader in each paragraph meet a new fact or opinion.

Keep on try and good luck.

Aria

Writing Feedback / Coaches are the best teachers. Agree or disagree with this statement? [6]

Hi Kamila.

First of all, it is a better idea to put the entire essay title in your subject area, then we would have a better idea about the what you are going to write.

Second if your writing is for IELTS exam I don't think you accomplished all criteria, which an IELTS paper should have.

A book entitled "Preparation and practice Reading Writing academic module" can help you better to put your essay in an easy and acceptable format, which contains

"Introduction with your thesis statement + " 2-3 paragraph with your reasons and examples" + "conclusion"

You used some complicated and strong words, which make you to fail the proper conveying of information or meaning of what you try to tell. For example, when you talk "the heel of Achilles" of something in fact you talk about the weakness of that thing, while in contrary with what you mentioned earlier here about its "important role".

Your reason in the second paragraph is the repetition of your first reason, and then you might loose your points.

In conclusion you again repeated your opinion again without your reasons.

Keep try and write more and more

Happy writing

Aria

Writing Feedback / US marriage and divorce in 1970 and 2000. IELTS Task [10]

Thank you very much guys.
Your advices especially about the "introduction present tense, main body past tens" from neeta was extraordinary. I have checked some research paper and I found the same pattern.

with your permission I am going to close this posting till be able to submitt a new one.
Aria

Writing Feedback / US marriage and divorce in 1970 and 2000. IELTS Task [10]

Thanks a lot Neeta
Don't rush. I am looking forward at your earliest inconvenience.
Aria

Writing Feedback / Different Forms of Entertainment ( Bar Graph) Task 1 [5]

Hi Turalfh

I made some changes in your first paragraph, but as a first try for essay it is a good job, unless to be more cautious about the writing of graph or tables. the first thing is to be focus on wholistic results, and it needs a 5 minutes thinking and making an strategy for writing. Thia is the most challenging part and if you go over some of my thread about Task 1 you will see that I also have some mostakles like this. first o fall as you see the task asks you to more compare the expenditure rather than describing just each bar. then the main goal in this writing is to show the trends comparisons. I think it is better to

compare the
1- A holistic comparison of the three regions.
2- The trend of the changes in each region during that time.
and if htere are enough time and place
3- the major changing or shifting of the preferences.

I think first start to do your writing regardless on how long you take time to do this, then try to increase your speed and and other qualities.

The graph gives us the information aboutcompares the amount of expenditure of on four different forms of entertainments between 1995 and 2000 in Asia, Europe and United States. It can be clearly seen that there is an upward trend in all kinds of entertainments mentioned in the graph.

The field which was spent the most money is publishing by US: 75 bln in 1995 and over 100 bln in 2000. The cost of publishing in US is more than the overall expenditure of Asia in 2000. Television market increased by 100% ( from 50 bln to 100 bln). Although cinema, video and music spending is rising, it is less than 40 billion altogether.

Europe takes an average position. Over a five-year period, publishing went up to nearly twice. Television and cinema, video rose, while music fluctuated in five years. Albeit, Asia spends least in three world markets, the amount of money spent between 1995 and 2000 is more than the one of Europe. All kinds of entertainment virtually increased twice

All in all, US has kept tis domineering position in five years. the Unidet States spends more money on entertainment than Asia and Europe together.

Word Count: 192

Writing Feedback / Spending life time in a changing manner. IELTS Task 2 [6]

Thank you Neeta
You are absolutely right. my main problem is the time limit. I have to write and revise both 2 essay in one hour and I used to write the revised draft as soon as I finishe the time. sometimes when I back and see my writing easiky observ where is my Weakness.

Anyway, thank you for your comment and effort.
Aria

Writing Feedback / TOEFL eassy- it is easier to succeed nowadays than in the past. agree or not? [4]

Dear Daliqin

Lets start with your forum type which is "Essaya, Term Papers" which I am not sure is related to your "TOEFL Eaay Feedback" then be careful about your request in posting a thread.

Regarding to your writing as a TOEFL Essay, it is better to have an acceptable structure as Essay for TOEFL. In this essay sample, which I found it far from standards in TOEFL essay writing, you need some work out on your grammar along with vocabulary. Your writing looks like as a speech which you can tell and go further,remember that in writing you will leave behind some evidences that are observed and judged by the readers. I can give you a some suggestions that can prompt you have a acceptable structure or in other words a departure and destination point.

Lets start first with writing structure in TOEFL or any other essays.
A quick review of the structure in essays shows that you should have an comprehensive introduction with your thesis statement and arguments about the question or any other request in essay title, followed with 2-3 paragraphs elaborating each of your arguments and providing an example, and at the end a conclusion which is a rephrasing of the introduction.

This 3 steps are streight forward and easy to carry out; however need some effort and practises.

Now let go back to your essay and see if you accomplished all of this needs?
Do you find any argument or point of view about the " Is easier today to have a success rather than the past?"
Then you start your first paragraph with:
" Some people might suggest people in the past are more likely to success. ,,,,"
without giving a reason that why people suggest this idea. then you continue the same argument without providing any example and this pattern is going further without any result that be seen at the end and close your paragraph.

In the next paragraph, you start talking about the "Back to today's life..." new life and technology, you start a another chapter about pressure in job or unfairness without any defined resolution.

The next paragraph is the same failure as I said for other parts, and your conclusion is very short and incomplete.

After a couple of times reading your essay the reader can understand what do you intend to say, but in TOEFL the score is given on how you correctly and coherently provide your opinion.

There are also some vocabulary mistake such as : to success, which it is supposed to be
to succeed and some small other points.
do not forgot that a good writing is a stuctured and goal oriented one.
keep on trying and goood luck.

Aria

Writing Feedback / IELTS (task 2) A year break for traveling or work before joining university. [10]

Hi Neeta
As I see here and some of your comments your english is pretty good and in this essay your work is very decent. I am not entering to your grammar or vocabulary, but I would like to talk more about the structure of your writing, especially its "Coherence"

your introduction is very good with exeption of the some issues which seems to be a matter of different taste. I believe it is better at the end is better not to say " This essay will look at ..."

Watch the unity and logical order in your following paragraph.

Its often argued that a year gap will not benefit youngster. Opponents, think that young generation are more likely to have inadequate education (ARGUMENT) because many find it hard to restart with academic qualification,( REASON) .. A large percent of this group either drops out from university or struggles to scope up with the standards set by the

university (RESULT OR SOLUTIONS OR EXAMPLES).

THEN YOU SHOULD BRING SOME EXAPLE OR INFORMATION TO CLOSE YOUR ARGUMENT THEN GO TO THE NEXT ARGUMENTS
SUCH AS :
"this one year gap can give them the opprtunity to advance their knowledge about the university life and education." were as some finds the work more interesting which gives them an opportunity to earn. I did not get this part, you might mean "whereas some find..." that means you should bring arguments contrary to the information in previous sentence. It should be like your previous sentence with (ARGUMENT, REASON, RESULT OR SOLUTION OR EXAMPLE)

Refuters, also believe that the time period between completing high school and joining university is more than sufficient for young people to discover the world or to understand functioning of corporate world.

WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH REFUTERS? DO YOU MEANS THOSE YOU MENTIONED AT THE BEGINING OF THE PARAGRAPH?
HERE YOU SHOULD HEVE THE ARGUMENT,RESON, RESULT OR SOLUTION OR EXAMPLE.

I found your second paragraph a good examples of the missing part in previous paragraph.

In your coclusion you stated your opinion, an extra information that was not asked in the title. you should write justabout what they asked, otherwise you will lose your point.

As I told your grammar and vocabulary are perfect, what you need is a coherent structure.

Keep on writing and good luck\

Aria

Writing Feedback / 'cocoon to become a silk' - The life cycle of silkworm. IELTS chart [5]

Thank again you Collin for your fabulous comments.

Actually I copy all of your suggestions and keep those separately in a file, because i am afraid i will lose them if I keep them just here. It is more effective to learn while you learn from your own mistakes. I have been writing english for about one year on and off, but never I have the same understanding of some of my mistakes and notions such as apposition and verbs tenses.

Have a great time
Aria

Writing Feedback / Creating an ideal society. If it's possible, how can we do it? [8]

Thank you again Collin and this time I have to appreciate more. I absolutely understand what you mean and you effectively convey what you wanted to say. as I told before now I try to write more and be cautious about what I write, which reflect my opinion; however it seems a little difficult for a non English native speaker to express the feeling in English. The main point is to try more.

I am looking forward to seeing that my essays be revised by you.
Have a great time
Aria

Writing Feedback / Creating an ideal society. If it's possible, how can we do it? [8]

Thank you very much Collin

I really apreciate it. I actually was reading one of your comments on an essay which I found it vey useful, when I came back I have already put some comment on my essay. This kind of elaborative suggestions make us to say: this site is a perfect place for improving our writing. After finding this site I can say I love to write in english.

Aria

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Prize money and fame as motivation to sporting champions [5]

Hi Hui Li
As I saw some of your essays your grammar and vocabulary is very good, but your essay need some polishing. There are some of my suggestions and it would be great to find if am I right or not.

Some suggestion:

First try to avoid using the same words in title in your introduction. As I have heard and see in some of the IELTS books it can cut your points and is really frustrating to lose some points just because of this issue despite your nice vocabulary and grammar.

In your introduction try to include your opinion or argument, which there easily you could mention them.

As I told your grammar and vocabulary is perfect then try to keep on try, but sometimes your grammar would be affected by using long and complicated sentences. I think it is seen in the part that I changed and the immediate following sentence " With this change, the uncertainty is no longer viewed as hindrances for them to strive for excellence in the profession as great performance in sport will certainly bring about lucrative rewards."

Writing Feedback / Should Schools Offer Moral Class? (SAT and homework) [4]

Hi Lily

Try to write your essay as an essay. Think it would be published on a paper or something like that. your essay have a structure like an interview.

Do not give an example which need a research, like "Scottsboro Case", otherwise it can confuse the reader.

If you are looking for some example of the importance of the moral, as you toled at the begining of your thread there are some:

"the human society is based on moral values and ethics and there are some historic example such as Rome Empire which lost its existence because the lack of moral"

"Our family integration is based on morals..."
"Those who respect moral values live better"

Do not start a sentence with "AND".

Is your last paragraph your conclusion?

Writing Feedback / "What is a good son or a good daughter?" - TOEFL iBT sobject [7]

Hi Mahru
As you see on Annika correction, she or he corrected those part that I told you before are not based on English thinking. It is good idea to keep those parts and consider those for your future writing.

try shorter sentences. long sentenses make you prone for gramatical mistakes.
for example the below sentense

Moreover, our parents brought up us to the world and grew up us with all difficulties in the life; they woke up during all the nights when we was ill, they helped us to learning our lessons during our education, and whenever we needneeded help they supported us in critical times of our life.

good luck and keep on try

Writing Feedback / (charts) EDUCATION ACHIEVEMENT IN WOMEN IN 1945-1995. [3]

Thank you susan
I really appreciate. becauase I need such kind of grammar points.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Graph (mortality and funding on different diseases) [8]

Thank you ajit.
That was a great point. I hope I wont have the same issue in the future.
I think it is the best way for essay forum users to have a group of people who know eachother and are familliar more with our style of writing. at this way we can focous more on the pit falls and easier can reach to tthe points.

good luck

Writing Feedback / Some people like to communicate by e-mail and voice mail. Less face-to-face action? [4]

Hi dear Mahru

As I see your weak point in writing is the problem of other "Farsi" speakers. In fact you have written a kind of translation of the your Farsi thinking.

The part such as:

"My major reasons for this idea are listed below"

is authentic Farsi thinking and speaking.

Don't worry it is not a big fault. I can say that I and all other languages speakers are suffering from the same problem, too. The easiest thing is to listen and read more English.

Regarding to your writing, I have to say it is a little complicated. At the beginning for writing essay try to use short and easy sentences, which try easily to convey the information and avoid long and complicated sentences. The next small problem with your writing is your structure. As a rule in TOEFL or IELTS the structure of the essay is almost authentic with some minute differences.

Frankly speaking, your introduction does not contain the proper explanation of the problem, which is the difference between direct and indirect communication.
You have started with issues like new technologies and email ..., which are not too relevant to the question, which is
" What do you prefer? The direct or indirect communication?"
Your introduction could be started like this:

" When it comes to the way that we can communicate with others some people prefer sending the email or voice message, while other like to contact with others directly by email or phone calls. I believe the direct communication like calling directly or meeting in person can be more convenient or reliable.

First, ( give your reason and its examples but with short sentences and easier words"
Second, (again your reason and examples)
Third, (again your reason and examples)

Important Note: It is better to have at least 3 reasons because you can provide less complication and fulfill your words limit.

Conclusion: restatement of your reasons without adding a new arguments or reasons, as well as avoiding the use of the same vocabulary in the title or question.

I hope you got the main points and if there is any question do not hesitate to ask.

Keep trying

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] letter-writing skills will disapear, agree or not? [7]

Hi chao

Your essay is perfect. I think it needs just some minuscule changes. I prefer not to tell those as mistake and as a kind of different taste in writing. I think it would be better to include your reason as a "thesis statement" in introduction.

For example:
"Personally, I can agree with this view, because the technology easily replaced the quality of letter-writing with activities such as chatting or sending informal email writing. Moreover, there is no mandatory program in high school curriculum to force students a better writing skill."

Writing Feedback / IELTS Grahp (the pattern of smoking of different sexes) [5]

thank you guys for your comment and suggestion

Writing Feedback / Ielts Graph (mortality and funding on different diseases) [8]

Thank you for all your comments,
There is a small problem regarding using the past time. Actually, I followed the instruction about the tenses in describing a graph or chart, from a material which its link is here: world-english.org/ielts_writing.pdf

there is said:
"Notice that the Simple Past tense used. Even though it describes
information from the past, the graph shows the information in the present
time" p(18)
I am wondering if there is reliable source or not?
tnx