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Posts by omo5031
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Last Post: Nov 6, 2012
Threads: 8
Posts: 33  


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omo5031   
Nov 6, 2012
Undergraduate / 'out of ramblings' - Letter To Roomate supplement... w/ a wacky twist... [6]

The twist was good and I really enjoyed your essay, however I feel like you swayed off topic at times, for example the bug thing was too much, instead say something else unique about you. I only picked up that you liked cleaning and cooking, add another quality. But overall you have an awesome essay, it's different from the traditional essays and admission officers love different.

Hope i helped please check my essay.
omo5031   
Nov 6, 2012
Scholarship / 'Pediatric neurosurgeon' - Scholarship ~ Describe your academic or career goals [3]

Prompt: Describe your academic or career goals in 250 words or less

Response:
I have a dream like no other sixteen year old, I have a vision like no other college freshman and ultimately I have a goal like no other has ever accomplished. See, my dreams are so big; I get scared thinking about them sometimes, but not for once I've I ever thought I couldn't fulfill them. You might be wondering what exactly are the dreams; come into my world and I will tell you what they are. My ULTIMATE career goal is to become a Pediatric neurosurgeon, but it doesn't just stop there, I also aspire to own an orphanage where kids, abandoned kids will be able to see the colors of life and will be allowed to dream big and understand that the sky is the limit. Additionally, I have a goal to travel back to my motherland; Nigeria and help change the inhumane situation there, so no nuclear family will ever have to be separated again as mines was in quest to pursue a more financial stable life. As you might have expected my academic goals are just as big as my career goals; I attain to get my bachelor's degree at the age of 18, I do not just want to graduate college in three years but I also want to graduate Summa Cum Laude. Many laugh when I tell them this but although my dreams may seem unrealistic at the moment, they are mines and without a shadow of doubt I WILL make them a reality.

250 words

Please help review my essay, is there anything irrelevant, does it make sense?
Thank you
omo5031   
Sep 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / College narrative essay on a moment of success. [2]

Prompt: Write a narrative essay on your moment of success

Response:

A moment of Success
I stood last in line ready to match to the rhythm of the congratulatory music; I fixed my gold sash and yellow rose as I watched everyone walk down the aisle, some missing their steps and others beaming with smile, while the crowd went wild clapping. It was now my turn, the moment I had been waiting for all my life, heads help up high and with mouth grinning from ear to ear, I stepped into the room. As I stepped in, everyone in the room stood and clapped as loud as they could. I felt my lips twitch and as I couldn't help hiding it anymore, I burst out laughing. "I have every right to laugh as much as I want here" I said quietly to myself, thinking of what my mom would say "it's your day dear, enjoy it- you worked hard for it..."

No, it wasn't my wedding day, but it was a day similar to that. It was my high school graduation, and some might think "what's the big deal; it's just a high school graduation". Well to me it was a HUGE deal; graduating high school valedictorian at the age of fifteen in a foreign country was more than a big deal; it was in fact my proudest moment in life. After I took my seat, right in front of the room, I reflected on how far I had come in those past three years I spent in my high school in the Bahamas. I remember the principal disliking me for who I was, my mum promising her three years ago in one of the first altercations I had with her, that I would surprise her. I'm sure she was surprised at that moment when she discovered that I was the valedictorian.

With so much fulfilled happiness and reflection, I forgot where I was for a moment, until the director called my name; it was time for the valedictory speech and I was the one giving it. My accent didn't matter anymore; the fact that I wasn't a citizen didn't matter anymore, all that mattered was that I fulfilled my goal. I was who I pictured myself to be when I attended the previous year's graduation. I gave my speech like a true pro, and walked back to my seat after a lot of congratulatory and good job phrases from people around me.

All of the previous feeling of importance was great; however the best part of the day was yet to come. As soon as the principal declared the time for awards, I felt a watermelon in my chest, 'yes' I was valedictorian but that didn't mean I was getting the most awards. Anxiously I clapped as the eighty eight people ahead of me got their diplomats and awards, some walked away with one, some two, some ten, some with none at all. The salutatorian, who has been my major competitor all along walked away with ten awards. Then the moment came, and my name was called, I walked across the stage, and the director went on and on with all the awards I was getting. "Angela Smith!!! and she get awards for most outstanding student, best in mathematics, chemistry..." I just kept blushing and grinning as I approached the presenter to get my awards, I got so many awards I needed help carrying them. With my teacher trailing behind me, with hand full of my awards and my hand so full I had difficulty shaking people, I approached my sit. Then the highlight of the day came, I found my mum approaching me with tears of joys in her eyes, this made me feel like I just won the presidency election, and this was the moment that I confirmed that, that was in fact a moment of success for me, making my mom proud was my intention all along and now I got it.

"I came, I saw, I conquered"; is the phrase I use to describe my high school career, anytime I look at my graduation trophies. Can't say it was easy, but with a lot of persistence, hard work and endurance, I made it! However, I'm not done with success, I'm now on a journey to greater heights; to have that feeling again at the end of my college graduation is my new goal and I definitely will get it.
omo5031   
Mar 5, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - High schools must be responsible for their future with well-planned curriculum. [3]

Some people statebelieve that high schools should allow students to study what they want to. They believe this motivates students to study. I think, however,that students should study a broad range of subjects from literature to mathematics.

Sorry, I don't really have time to correct this but I swiflty read through it and found some mistakes. I also think that you need to range the essay more. Its too broad and at times you shift away from your original stand, which I believe is that you are opposing other peole's views.. Good luck.
omo5031   
Feb 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I didn't fall behind in my school work' - cultural difference essay [2]

What are your experiences in meeting new or different cultures from your own?

"Brown eyes and brown skin is what I have". I was delighted to move away from my home country to Bahamas. Brown eyes and brown skin is what they have. They spoke English and I spoke English also. They are of African descent, I am too. What could possibly make me different? I felt definite that I wasn't going to have any difficulty with segregation and discrimination. I went with great expectations; to make friends, teach people about my culture and learn about theirs and ultimately be myself. Unfortunately, my expectations were not met

I encountered prejudice. Apparently, I could not speak properly in the ears of my classmates. They forced me to say every word I said twice. We had different accents, although I did my best to listen to them, they didn't care enough to do the same for me. Their response always ended with a giggle. I always sat alone during lunch, I ate my books since I was too scared to buy lunch for fear that the lunch lady would shout at me and serve me last like she did on two different occasions. I did well in school and was soon recognized as "smart". My classmates didn't like this and found every single way to taunt me. I was shocked.

Unfortunately, not only the students acted this way, teachers also did and even the Principal. I remember when I was in tenth grade. The principal sent me home because she believed my hair wasn't proper, when in fact she had said tome earlier that she liked my hairstyle. Other kids had the same hairstyle but I guess I stood out to her as negative.

I didn't only experience discrimination within school society but within the society. I wanted to join the nursing cadet program, Government General Youth Award program but I was made to understand that only Bahamians were allowed to join. Why? I don't know. I was also forced to stay home since I always got treated inhumanely wherever I went. I remember precisely when I was made to stand two hours at a shoe store since the helper refused to help me, repeatedly calling me a foreigner.

Despite my hurt and anger about all these, I didn't fall behind in my school work; I worked harder and used every opportunity I got. Lately, I've had a breakthrough. Some of the kids who had taunted me for three years are now my friends. My refusal to crack under the pressure made them change. I hold nothing against them and have just seen everything as ignorance.

I also need some help shrinking this, please tell me if it makes sense. Thank you in advance. I will return the favor.:)
omo5031   
Feb 3, 2012
Essays / How to write an essay about yourself ? [15]

More about you - Oxford College Emory survey questions?

After appying to oxford emory, I got a mail that I needed to fil out a survey. I have absoutely no idea on what to do. I'm not sure if its supposed to be in form of an essay or what not. I would really appreciate if anyone can please give me suggestions. These are the prompts.

Which question do you wish we had asked in the admission process and why?
What quality about yourself would you most like to see flourish during your time at Oxford and how do you see Oxford supporting that growth?

Thanks in advance, i promise i will return the help.
omo5031   
Jan 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The stress from high school' - WHY EMORY SUPPLEMENT [3]

your essay is really good, you did a good job and mentioning your sister definately gives you a plus. Well thought out and organized. Thanks for checking my essay. Hop we both get in:)
omo5031   
Jan 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'walking through a park with my sister' - emory university carnival ride essay [2]

Prompt: What is your favorite ride at the amusement park? How does this reflect your approach to life?
One cold evening I was walking through a park with my sister. A carnival sort of thing was going on. Cotton candy, amusement park rides, pizza etc. Through the corner of my eye, I saw a Ferris wheel. My sister excited ran off and paid the exactly two tickets, the director asked for an adult, which meant me. I tried to convince her but she wouldn't adhere. Ashamed to tell her, I was sacred I reluctantly accompanied her. The wheel started moving. As the ride maneuvered to the top, screeching noises rose up above all the laughing and excitement down below. "My worst nightmare came alive" my cart was at the very tip of the wheel. I felt my heart racing, so I closed my eye and let my imagination let loose. Slowly and carefully, the cart came down again and went up again. This time I wasn't scared, instead I felt something in the pit of my stomach. Something that felt wonderful, the kind of feeling that makes you want to dance like you were five and it didn't matter if you fell down. I wanted to stay up there forever, but of course I knew sooner or later, the ride will wobble its way down to the end. Right when the thought was inserted in my head, my sister pulled me and her voice weaseled its way through my serenity. "See it wasn't that bad." I thought to myself "yes it wasn't that bad." That moment, I overcame my fear of height and made the Ferris wheel my favorite ride. I walked through the ride with the new philosophy for life that "I have nothing to be scared of, not even the things that are taller than me." I live the rest of my life believing that I have absolutely nothing to be scared of. I can and will overcome whatever life throws at me.

Any suggestions will be appreciated.:)
omo5031   
Jan 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'local produce and green buildings' - Emory essay [7]

Prompt: What are the unique qualities of Emory University, and the specific school(s) to which you are applying (Emory College of Arts and Sciences, Oxford College, or both), that make you want to become part of Emory University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

"You talk so weird...do they even wear clothes in your country...oh oh, I heard you people have lions as pet...is this true?" my classmates constantly ask. Yeah, true I'm the only African in my school and it's been terrible not having anyone that I look like. Similar to my classmates, the society reprimanded my desire to join activities by saying-"you are a foreigner." Bored of the status quo, I added diversity to my college criteria list. The newly added criteria changed my former list of dream schools.

In quest for a new dream school, I stumbled upon Emory University. I look forward to studying in an environment which continually embraces diversity, with over 35 clubs related to diversity and programs such as Unity Month, which seems like an awesome, elongated Diversity Day. Also, Emory, with its commitment to local produce and green buildings, shares my passion for the environment. Emory's and Oxford's campus' grab me and make me pause in awe. They have the city life that I crave and the quieter area, best of both worlds.

Not only does Emory University fulfill my passion for diversity but also satisfy my other criteria. Since Emory/Oxford exceeds in the science department, as an aspiring medical doctor, Emory fits the picture precisely. I picture myself occupying the research areas Emory has to offer. With Emory's student to teacher ratio, I'm bound to learn from intellectual and skilled teachers who are very interested in their students. With all the different courses and activities offered at Emory, I would never be bored. From joining ChemOx to attending sports event to joining the diversity council to being a part of many leadership activities, I would be taking maximum advantage of the clubs that are not present anywhere else. At Emory/Oxford, not only will I be pushed to think, I will be encouraged to have fun with the college process.

At Emory and Oxford, I can happily broaden my horizons and grow intellectually without been labeled a foreigner. With an education from Emory/ Oxford, I see myself changing the condition of my country.


Thanks in advance. Will definately return the favor
omo5031   
Jan 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the ever expanding culture of the United States' - experience [7]

i didn't find any gramatical errors. You have a great essay but I'm hoping this is just the first paragraph. You haven't completed this essay. You need to talk about how being different affected you as you grew up in America- whether positiively or negatively. What you did to change the way you felt when you just arrived. Talk about the things that helped you adapt and most inportantly talk about the influence/significance of moving to the US.

You are on your way, just elaborate more, you stil have lots of words to go.
Hope I helped, will be happy to reread it for you.
Good luck:)
omo5031   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I indulge in silence' - my commapp [10]

this is a really good essay. I like your style of writinga and I feel like I know you through you tone of writing.
Good luck:)
Thanks for checking my essay
omo5031   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'to the principal's office' - UNC essay [5]

I just threw this together like 2hrs ago so I'm sure there's a lot of mistake but I will really appreciate if anyone can edit it for me right off.

Prompt: Tell us about a time when you failed. How did you react, if anything did you learn?"

"Sarah Jones, Mary Lou, Paul Hall...to the principal's office". My sixth grade teacher called. I joined the line taking of my jacket as instructed, walking briskly to the principal's office with a filling of joy in me. About to take my last step, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked back, it was my teacher. She said to me "I'm sorry honey, I didn't call you; you are not a part of this group. I know you tried so hard but you didn't come through as confident enough" The words I heard were "I'm sorry stupid, your life is in ruins and you caused it"

I walked back to my class with my head held low. I couldn't cry, I couldn't laugh, I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe I didn't make the principal's list. I sank in pain and disappointment; I felt my world falling apart. I had failed yet I tried so hard.

Losing is a part of my life, and I have dealt with the emotional baggage that travels through shotgun on more than one occasion. However, it was an indescribably underwhelming feeling not to make it after trying so hard. I went home that day scared that I was going to end up a failure. I swore to myself that I was never going to attempt anymore.

I threw myself on the bed and tossed around for hours. I began digging through my heart and I remembered the nursery book "The little engine that could". I pictured the little blue engine chugging through and I said aloud to myself, "Obstacles get in the way and your "I think I can" may get weaker. This is the time to persevere. Push yourself into action. Never give up. Like the little engine, keep on chugging." The little engine made it just because he believed in himself. I also knew I could make it, just by reflecting on my mistakes and correcting them.

After I got to school the next day, I told my teacher "I feel much better and ready to try again". Surprised by the huge turn around she smiled. After not making the list that day, I really wanted to try harder again. I just needed to work on my confidence.

I practiced on my confidence skills for the following year, and while I didn't make the list, my reaction was different. This time I didn't say I wasn't going to try again I just taught of my little blue. He was the epitome of persistence and that was what mattered most in life.

While it was really unfulfilling to fail twice, I had learnt a greater lesson through the experience. Never mind the fame and prize money-I had learned an ultimate lesson and that was the greatest prize.
omo5031   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I always wear a purple hat' - Johns hopkins supplement #2 [19]

@Erica and Galina, I was thinking about that too, but as it is I'm above word limit and I'm not sure how to give descriptions without going way above llimit. If you have any suggestions can you please tell me. Your help is greatly appreciated.

I'm really grateful to everyone who has helped.
Good luck everyone:)
omo5031   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Not going to keep playing violin anymore' - U-Penn [10]

I absolutely love your essay, your transition skills are phenomenal. I didn't see anything wrong gramatically. Good luck submitting your appliation.:)
Can you please check my Johns Hopkins essay. Thanks in advance
omo5031   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Reading is my guilty pleasure' - Upenn Introduce yourself [12]

You should definately choose the first one, its really fluid and shows who you are. I think you should try use up,30 words is a lot to waste. You did a good job and good luck:)

Can you please check my essay
omo5031   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / My Name- Stanford What Matters Essay [3]

why my name's so important - think you should change it to why my name is so important to me
I love your essay and I can also relate with it except I've always known the meaning of my name. Its long and really hard to pronounce, but life continues. You did a good job expressing your thoughts.

Good luck as you submit your application.:)
Can you please check my Johns Hopkins essay. Thanks in advance
omo5031   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Hobby & Department short essays (MIT admission) [5]

I love your essay, especially the first one you definately answered the prompt. You did a good job on the review for the second one. Good luck:)

Can you please check my Johns Hopkins essay. THanks in advance
omo5031   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "Sadness"- Yale supplement [9]

Max you did a good job on your essay, however I feel that you started it very strongly and sort of wandered off in the middle and then came back again in the conclusion. I think you need to maintain your stance all through the essay. It was a really good essay. Thanks for helping with mine and good luck:)

The middle started with were you said "I believe strongly in the idea of ...right down to the second and last paragraph.
omo5031   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'volunteering in the Cardiology Clinic' - COMMON APP SHORT [13]

This one is sooooo much better than the first one. Its captivating and shows what you did while at the clinic, however you still need to show how it influenced you. The significance of the experience. Its a good essay.

Good luck
Can you please help with my Johns Hopkins supplement essay. thanks in advance:)
omo5031   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Human' - Stanford - What Matters to You and Why? [7]

This is rally good, i must commend you. I just think you should change the gazelle thing and you friends being cerebral studs too distracting, left me pondering what you meant. Instead of using that you felt human, use something else. I like how you were creative and precise in your essay, really flows well.

Hope I helped and good luck:)
Can you please help with my Johns Hopkins essay. Thanks in advance.
omo5031   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'slowing down due to the obstacles' - Experience that affected me- Rice [2]

I love your essay in general, the comparison of the moth with you is really good. I think that you mentioned that you worked hard a lot. Instead of telling them you should try and how it instead and just mention it on a few occasion. In the first paragraph i think you used too much big vocabularym you do not want to do this- instead use simpler words and use the big ones occasionally. Just my opinion though, you do not have to follow it. Hope I helped and Good luck:)

Can you please check my Johns Hopkins supplement essay. Thanks in advance
omo5031   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I see life' - Williams essay, looking through a window [3]

You did a great kob conveying your idea however you need to elaborate more on the meaning of what you, just like the prompt states.

Good luck and thanks for checking my essay:)
will be glad to help again.
omo5031   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'social activist and servant'; What I would take from and contribute to Penn [9]

Your essay is really good, I like how you talked about your love for biology. It also answers the prompt completely, take out the in conclusion makes it sound like a school essay rather than a personal thing.

You did a marvelous job
Good luck :)

Can you please help with my Johns Hopkins supplement
omo5031   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Stickers for Smiles' - Common App Extracurricular.. Shadowing A Doctor [12]

You still haven't talked about the significant of the experience, you should probably talk about what you learnt during this service- probably that encouragement makes people better...not neccessarily this but something like that. You did a good job but need to expand more on that part.

Good luck:)
omo5031   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'life on the computer and on the Internet' - Weird UPenn Essay [4]

Your essay is really good. I like the concept however I think you should try to make yourself stand out more, use less topics. I'm with you brother on the breast cancer thing in Nigeria. I'm also NIgerian.

Help with mine please.
Johns Hopkins supplement
Good luck:)
omo5031   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I hope to major in Biology' - UPenn [12]

I didn't find any grammatical errors, but you need to reduce it to at least 525 words. 400 above is way off. I don't think the thing about Benjamin Franklin really fits in, you should try deleting that. For your first paragraph, you didn't say who you were talking about, you just sort of started. Its a good essay, but you need to be more specific and fluid.

Good luck:)
omo5031   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I always wear a purple hat' - Johns hopkins supplement #2 [19]

Thank you very much Muzna, I checked your essay already. Senior prefect in my school is a leadership position only the top ten students earn. I'm international student and I don't know what post will be equivalent to that in the US. If you know can you please tell me. Thank you for the edits, I will take them into considertaion.
omo5031   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I always wear a purple hat' - Johns hopkins supplement #2 [19]

I'm in real need of helpand the deadline is pretty close. I'm open to any suggestions to improve my essay.
Prompt: Tell us something about yourself or your interests that we wouldn't learn by looking at the rest of your application materials. (While you should still pay attention to sentence structure and grammar, your response is meant as a way for us to get to know you, rather than a formal essay.)

I always wear a purple hat. Not because I want to look like a clown, but rather so I can stand out and not be taken too seriously. This is necessary as I am an introvert, and few of my classmates have seen me talk. My hat is purple and shiny, with blue stripes running along the sides. Not because I have no taste, but because they bring out my personality.

This year I was among the ten students nominated for student leader. Problem is it requires speaking in public, I'm far from this and only someone with a pink hat can do this. Although scared, I accepted the challenge, with the thoughts that someday my purple hat will become pink and glow in midst of millions.

I remember the first day I had to give announcements in front of the entire school, I felt my purple hat changing pink, I felt a strip of confidence in my guts, and my light came shining through. Slowly and steadily, I've been building up my confidence and my purple hat now shines bright with the pink stripes.

I've being doing exceptionally well as a senior prefect and I've even joined other activities to explore my inner being. I have many hobbies, and some of them even interest me. I have being singing, travelling widely, both in and outside of the country.

I still wear my purple hat except I now polish it, still an introvert but an introvert with value. Now, I'm only shy at the right time and loud at the right time fixed upon doing nothing but the best, and my inward personality has never ceased.


Its a bit above limit, can you please edit the irrelvant things, do you also think my personality shines through. Does it answer the prompt? Thanks for your help.