Grammar, Usage / Metaphors in essay? Or similies or personification? [4]

Metaphor for the impermanence of life

Hey guys,

Do you guys have a metaphor/simile for the impermanence of life, of how life is always changing?

Here's the sentence I presently have: I was trapped by the limits of my own naivety and unworldliness, my life like grains of sand being blown across a desert plain, ever shifting, ever changing.

However, I was hoping you guys have help improve that or think of a better metaphor?

Essays / Retreat; The city had finally fallen to the invaders! [9]

thank you. but did you read the second post? That was my revised one. Do you think it caught your attention? the enemies were invading the castle.

Madisongreen thank you so much! I will take your advice and follow through with it

Writing Feedback / My tears were overflowing; Like the Wind, Like God [2]

Hello,

I love writing narratives as well. My advice is below. I hope you can take a look at my narrative as well. Thank you!

Overall, I like your story. I never expected the ending though. I love your conclusion though it is a little ambiguous! :) You have some grammatical mistakes though. You need to keep in the past tense as you started initially.

My tears were overflowing. I couldn't move a single joint. I was so scared. I was paralyzed. The dark surroundingSwas(WERE) blinding me. Towering trees around me made me feel so small SMALL IN COMPARISON and the cold gushing wind was freezing me to the bones. I was holding a little girl onIN my arms. Her hair was long and blue.(I'M SORRY? i DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS PART. BLUE HAIR?) She was digging her head into my chest and crying. I haven'tHAD NEVER met her before. I don't know who she is. But she looked innocent. She needed help and I wanted to help her. I stood up and carried her on my back. We gotHAD to keep moving. (ADD SOMETHING LIKE THIS- I HEARD A LITTLE RUSTLING BEHIND US) Then she screamed, "It's coming after us again! Let's hurry!" I turned around and saw a demon-like creature was coming after us. Its big bright red round eyes were fixed on mine and hisITS sharp gaze was immobilizing me until I heard the little girl cry. "Run!" I came into my senses and started to push myself into the woods, not aware of where we're going just to get away from the monster. The little girl didn't stop crying. It's becoming faster and seemed like it won't WOULDN'T stop until it catches REACHED us. I heard nothing that time but the fast throbbing of my heart. It's too loud and scared. Then all of a sudden, everything went slow motion. I can see the little girl's tears slowly got pulled down by gravity rolling down her cheeks. We finally got out of the dark. The sun is WAS soaking the area with light. It was dazzling. I couldn't see a thing but the bright light. I couldn't hold my eyes open. It was blinding me. I closed my eyes for a second. And as soon as I was able to open my eyes, I saw light coming from the window. I was on my bed. And the alarm clock was ringing which I set to 8am. Soon then I realized it was just a big nightmare. I remembered what my best friend told me before, "Your senses can lie to you like the wind, like God."

Essays / Retreat; The city had finally fallen to the invaders! [9]

Hello Madisongreen and connor, (please reply)

thank you so much for your replies! But do you think my writing is very bad here? I guess I really want to express the corruption fighting can cause and how it can spread easily and the devastation it causes. But mainly it was for fun, but I might submit for a contest or something. Does it draw you in?

Scholarship / Living in Malaysia as an exchange student; Scholarship application letter for Germany [2]

Hey connor, below are my comments. thanks for taking a look at my story and I hope you can edit it again after my rewrite (which I will be finished with soon) your suggestions were awesome! Don't belittle yourself- your english is very, very good! I like essay overall. It is well structured and you get your point across nicely, but the grammar can be improved. Your conclusion is a bit shabby as well

*please note that I didn't bold everything, so some corrections I made might be hard to detect. look carefully though)

It was after living in Malaysia as an exchange student for six months, (no comma needed here) that I realised how incredible(I don't think the word incredible fits in here) it was that I did not speak a foreign language. I had previously studied German for one and a half years at the beginning of high school, so I thought I would try to teach myself German again. I soon became addicted to learning new verbs and nouns, to create ever more complex sentences. This passion for German language led me to organise an internship in Wuppertal, which I completed in June. To me, the most exciting part of my week was the B2 level language course I attended twice a week. I enrolled in it to challenge myself, since initially I barely understood the teacher. I studied my grammar textbook every day after work, and soon, the class had become easy.

I also learned in Germany, (no comma needed here) that engineering knowledge is not uniform across the world. This was confirmed by my professor who was very impressed with (the) advanced quality of the sample content I showed him for a Masters programme at RWTH Aachen. Due to the global nature of the science community, and the leading position of German institutions in many areas of technical research, it is clearly profitable to (for) me to hone my German skills and complete advanced studies in a German university. This is also advantageous because global employers are seeking people who are multilingual and can produce multicultural perspectives. For these reasons, I will apply for RWTH Aachen and Uni Freiburg, to study the Masters in Microsystems, taught in German.

Germany's Federal Ministry of Education and Research estimates there to be around 1000 companies involved in nanotechnology, with more still in micro technology. Germany's Action Plan 2010 and its extension to 2015 proved the Germany's commitment to nanotechnology through enormous investment. Australia has also recently began the National Emerging Technologies Strategy, to aid the development of technologies like nanotech in Australia. It truly is a global trend with countries like the Czech Republic, Italy, Spain, Japan and the USA also investing in nanotechnology research. Hence, now is the perfect time for me to go for my dream, (no comma necessary) of starting a micro or nanotech company in Australia. Only through this DAAD scholarship, (no comma) can I get the top education required to start a competitive company in this cutting edge industry. Ideally, my company will be involved in either medical or renewable energy applications of nanotechnology. In this way I can contribute in a fundamentally positive way to the international society.

I have excelled in my studies of a Bachelor of Mechanical Engineering at Monash Engineering, including a nanotechnology elective, but I can bring so much more than that to Germany. I have honed leadership skills from years of team sports, including soccer, Australian football, basketball and netball. I have captained some of these sporting teams, and have also led volunteering events. Namely, I led over 20 volunteers on a zombie photo shoot in the abandoned "Spreepark" theme park in Berlin. I found volunteer actors, make-up artists and photographers, as well as spearheading an online 'crowdfunding' campaign, to gain funds to pay for event security. I did it because I wanted to contribute to the amazing artistic culture of Germany, and Berlin in particular. I have found I naturally suits leadership roles, because of my confident, motivated and highly organised personality.

I volunteer for Engineers Without Borders (EWB) as well, as part of the local university team. I led a team at EWB in investigating t (to investigate) he wind energy potential of my university campus, though (through) data collection and analysis. I write to newspapers on issues important to me like climate change and public transport infrastructure, because I want to make a difference to society in these areas, through shifting public opinion. I am also interested in hiking and caving, having notably climbed Mt Kinabalu in Malaysia, descended into cave systems in Sarawak, Borneo and hiked from border to border in Liechtenstein. The Zugspitze is next on my list. I really enjoyed my total immersion in Germany's culture in the past, and I look forward to finding new ways to contribute to it. I can only do so by combining my leadership and motivation with this DAAD scholarship.

If studying at one of the best technical universities was not enough of a challenge, taking the course in German probably is. I started teaching myself German in 2011, and the rest I learned talking to people in Germany and in my VHS Sprachkurs. To study in Germany I need to pass the DSH/TestDaF, and although I have nearly B2 level German now, I plan to use this scholarship to pay for an intensive course before my Masters Commence. I know that I need to focus on grammar usage and vocabulary building, and have already begun studying in these areas. I also plan to begin another B2 course here, ideally I would pass the B2 exam before coming to Germany in April next year.

There are numerous ways I think the DAAD scholarship and studying in Germany will be beneficial. Firstly, without a scholarship, I will be unable to come to Germany, as I lack the funds to sustain myself while studying. The limitations on work while on a study visa in Germany also contribute to this, and I want to dedicate as much time as possible to my studies to get the most out of my time in the German university. Secondly, I am applying for the best universities in Germany. I have met a graduate from RWTH Aachen, who described a degree at that university as a "bone-grinding experience", a challenge so great only the best can succeed in it. However, he also said you will be highly sought after with a degree from RWTH Aachen. I seek the honour of graduating from a university of this calibre, so that I have competitive edge on others educated in nanotech. Finally, I know the people I study with will also become leaders in their fields, as well as some of my closest friends, so I look forward to meeting them for personal and professional reasons.

As an Australian, I come from a country of comparable affluence to Germany. However, I discovered many things that Australia needs to learn from Germany during my internship in Wuppertal. Firstly, Germany has invested an incredibly in renewables, having much greater production then Australia, despite Australia's massive advantage in potential solar and wind resources. Secondly, manufacturing remains a strong part of Germany's economy, while it has virtually disappeared from Australia's economy. We need to learn to manufacture efficiently again if our economy is to survive tough times.

In summary, I wish to be chosen for this DAAD scholarship, to give myself and edge when starting up a micro/nanotech company in Australia, with which I can provide advanced technology to medical or renewable energy industries, thus improving the lives of Australians. Given this opportunity, I would leave my mark on Germany's multicultural canvas, then bring German ideas back home for the benefit of my people. I am absolutely intelligent and educated enough for this opportunity, and possess the right personality to make a difference. These reasons, as well as my passion for Germany and it's language, history and culture, are why you should award me this scholarship. (work on your last sentencE)

Essays / Retreat; The city had finally fallen to the invaders! [9]

Help! Edited again- please give suggestions.

Father, you are avenged
The city had finally fallen to the invaders. I let out a cry of rage as the flames spread like wildfire and lit up the night. The cries of the wounded echoed through the husky air and from the unending darkness came one word-"Retreat!" Out of the corner of my eye, one of our archers snarled at an enemy invader, sticking an arrow in its behind before retreating. I saw King Melenaeus fleeing with royal guard, ordering our soldiers to retreat. That stupid old pig, I thought. The enemy yelled in victory as they charged us, waving swords, axes, and all manner of weapons. And then I saw him. Feragho. Feragho the Assassin.

He sat upon a horse, his heaving shoulders, muscular build, dark red eyes, and permanent sneer clearly marked him out as a king of evil. He smirked at the retreating army and his eyes shone the color of blood. And then I stared down at the body before him. It was my father. His black hair was mussed over and he was gasping for air, whispering my name hoarsely- Vilu Daskar, Vilu. And then his final cry screeched through the air-"AVENGE ME, MY SON!"

Feraghp opened his mouth, and his grotesque lips opened to a cry which wrenched the air, and lifted his bloody double bladed sword into the air.

"Feragho!"
The army echoed after him, yelling like the pigs they were. I looked around at the chaos. There were soldiers with blood pouring out of their mouths, taking their last breaths of life-giving air. There were soldiers with their limbs shot apart, lying on the ground, whispering the names of their loved ones. They had fought bravely but had to face the ultimate cost in the end. I remembered my father's final brave stand. And then I knew what I had to do. I drew a breath and I shouted, "To arms, my citymen! To arms! Rally to me!" A few warriors turned back in my direction, but many others hesitated, staring at the seemingly never-ending ranks of enemy warriors. We were scattered, like leaves on the wind, outnumbered 3 to 1, but I would not let my precious city fall so ignominiously. We would fight, and the battle would come down to quality over quantity. Our warriors were battle-hardened and experienced, as our enemy, but they had soon breached our walls. The enemy laughed and hooted at our weary soldiers, mocking us. The faces of our warriors hardened, and everyone walked up to me, bracing themselves for the end of all time. Our phalanx method was very effective, but against so many an enemy, I did not know how long it would hold. An eerie silence fell on the city as we stared at the opposing enemy. And then I broke rank and abandoned the phalanx method, charging straight at Feragho. I knocked him off his horse and startled, Feragho tumbled to the ground, but recovered quickly. He decapitated the horse with a single slash of his sword, having no use for the beast. The horse gasped its last breath and thudded to the ground with finality. I moved fast, whirling my sword in a figure of eight movement as we circled each other. He attacked;I blocked. I hacked at his shoulder; he ducked and thrust at me. I blocked his thrust and tried a trick my now deceased father had taught me. Time stood still as I twirled my sword in a circle, knocking his sword out of his hands and thrusting my sword into his chest. He gasped in surprise and fell to the ground. I stood, and shouted to the ranks of the enemy- Is there anyone else?! Is there anyone else?!!!!!!!!

They looked at me through their eyes, but in them I could see doom and fear lurking there. None moved forward to challenge me, and my weary soldiers charged heroically. The enemy fled, but a the last possible minute, an arrow thudded into my heart. I gasped, staring at the archer who had shot the arrow. The enemy archer smiled evilly, and with a shock of surprise, I realized it was the same archer who had murdered my mother. And when he killed her, and when my father rushed into the scene, he had said, "One by one. I shall wipe out the royal race of Daskar until people yell my name in mightiness- Nukpano!"

I threw my sword like a spear, and though my target was far, I aimed true and he fell. My last words were- Father, you are avenged!"

Letters / Help me to write exemption letter [6]

perhaps try phrasing it like this, it's all edited, but I don't know what else you want to say, really:
Dear Sir,
My name is ____ and I am writing this letter as I am eligible for exemption in B3 economics classes.My A-levels provisional result s have been issued and I am eligible for exemption in B3 Economics paper.I take up the responsibility of loss loss of studies in the classes (what are you trying to say here? are you trying to say- lots of studies? please clarify

I have attached a copy of my A level results.

Thank you,

Name

Writing Feedback / EVENT MANAGEMENT SKILLS ; LOGBOOK Entries from work placement [5]

If you want to be unique, you can start off with a short anecdote, or story. Describe how scared you felt when you were assigned that task but then went through it with ease. Then describe what you learned out of that. Or something like that.

Essays / Motivation letter for Msc Finance; Need Ideas [2]

Talk about how you developed your passion for finance. Start off with a short story or something about how you first got interested in finance. Then, talk about your experiences as a service engineer, etc.

PLEASE LIKE MY POST :)

For instance,

Ever since I was little, I loved math. Whether it was counting or adding, I loved it all. As I grew older, I became more interested...

Writing Feedback / Skills from work placement essay; Section of a logbook [3]

I edited your essay below. I like it a lot, except for the grammar. You should read over it yourself and edit it. Please like my post!!! But you really have to capitalize your letters. It is a basic grammar concept

WithinWITH the task of contacting businesses to take out an advert in the program for the upcoming event i had to keep to a deadline which developed my time management skills. I was also tasked with creating passes for all members of staff for the upcoming feile an earraigh event. FIRST, I had to firstly design the passes which i found quite challenging as graphic design was always an area i was weak at. (PERIOD) and instead of employing the use of a professional graphic designer which i would usually do in previous events i was involved with through college, i made a go of itTRIED IT and created a number of different designs (see appendix) i feel i have truelyTRULY developed a new skill and (LOWERCASE!!!!! ) Something i actually enjoy. Completing this task has given me the confidence to attempt the basics of graphic design in the future for events for things like tickets and leaflets and i would like to enroll in a photoshop course to develop this new skill furthur so i can produce higher quality work in the future

Writing Feedback / EVENT MANAGEMENT SKILLS ; LOGBOOK Entries from work placement [5]

I edited yours below. There are a lot of grammar mistakes though. Please like my post :)

While last month I was just getting to grips withOF what was expected of me, I believe I have progressed this month into being MORE confident in a professional environment. My communication skills have improved greatly with meAS I AM now speaking confidently on the phone and in person and beingAM able to handle enquiries from the public and organisations with ease. I had to complete the task of contacting businesses about taking out an ad in the feile an earraigh programme. Although last month i (CAPTIAL ) was progressing to having(PLEASE EDIT THIS SENTENCE. THE GRAMMAR IS VERY BAD HERE) a more confident tone and ease on the telephone, i believe this month i have developed a negotiable and persuasive skill on the phones vital for a role like this and have benefited greatly from it in this task as you can see from my progress in month 1 to the final ads in february (see appendix). CAPITALIZE YOUR "I's)

Undergraduate / Undergrad Study Plan for international school, Psychology program. [3]

okay, the edit is below. I don't why you put quotations around your whole essay. But I don't think this is a study plan. I don't know; what is a study plan, really?

PLEASE LIKE MY POST :)

"Change is amorphous, it's crude yet refined, and it is something that everyone has to experience on their journey of life. Some seek to minimize it, while others embrace it. For me, I yearn for such an idea, and welcome it. For this particular reason why, I want to apply to the NCKU psychology program in Taiwan. I want to make a change, not only on my own life, but to also make a lasting impact on our world, through psychology.

I was a senior in high school when I first discovered my passion for psychology. It was by chance that I happened to stumble across a copy of "Theories of Personality" one lazy afternoon at school. Curious, I decided to give it a read, and the effects were entrancing. It opened a whole new world of ideas and concepts that fascinated me, (period)never(Never) had I once thought about the human psyche in such a way nor didhad I realizerealized there were such facets of thought. I felt the change within me, (period) it was like my mind had finally freed itself from whatever that was holding it back, and the sensation was invigorating. From that point on I knew that this was what I wanted to pursue in my life.

After graduation I fully intended to get into college and continue expanding my knowledge in the field of psychology. However, my plans didn't exactly pan out the way I expected, and my progress fell into a lull. I had applied to many institutions but due to financial problems (insert the word "I") ended up choosing to go to a local community college. Although I was dejected this didn't bother me too much. As long as I had a chance to study I knew I would be satisfied. I went in with full enthusiasm, but I now realize I wasn't adamant about my pursuit. I went to school and studied, going through the motions without conviction, and with no surprise my grades plummeted. I shambled my way across two years of my college experience; looking back at it I am deeply regretful of the decisions I had made."

Essays / Expository essay on Government use of Facebook Effectiveness [3]

WHOAH, THIS IS HUGE. I'LL EDIT SOME OF IT FOR YOU. I ADVISE THAT YOU SHOULD CUT DOWN SOME OF YOUR SENTENCES BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO LONG AND SEEM LIKE RUN ONS.

YOUR ESSAY IS ALSO TOO WORDY. FOR INSTANCE, DEDUCTIVELY CONCLUDE. CONCLUDE IS ENOUGH, WHY SAY DEDUCTIVELY? EDIT YOUR ESSAY MORE.

ALSO, REMEMBER- IT IS EFFECTIVE, NOT AFFECTIVE
PLEASE LIKE! :)

I'LL EDIT THE REST LATER.:) GREAT PIECE OVERALL! I LIKE HOW YOU PORTRAY PROPAGANDA. ALSO, DON'T START OFF ALL YOUR PARAGRAPHS WITH A QUESTION.

Propaganda is derived from the term Congregatio de Propadanga Fide (Congregation for the Propagation of the Faith), which was a missionary organization established by the pope in 1622 (Merriam-webster). It is defined as an organized mass communication, derived from a hidden agenda on mission to conform belief and action by manipulating mechanisms-drawn from a hidden agenda on instrumentality - to circumvent individual reasoning and rational choice (Koppang). Some forms of propaganda are lobbying, advertising and missionary activity; however the term is mostly used in political grounds. Furthermore, howTHE WAY propaganda is portrayed has evolved through the centuries as technology advanced, such as the radio, television, motion picture, and now the internet. Propaganda is now featured in social networking websites such as Facebook, in hopes of influencing public opinion. However, is the government use of Facebook as a propaganda instrument in hopes of swaying the public in favor of their position affectiveEFFECTIVE ?

In general, why is propaganda used in the first place? Media analyst, Shari Graydon, in her analysis article, "Tobacco companies puff a little propaganda," published in 1995 by Infomart, addresses the topic of propaganda and argues that tobacco companies are using propaganda as a way to persuade the audience to look at a situation from a different perspective, and in turn have a different belief. She supports this claim by giving evidence of cigarette companies taking out full-page ads in newspapers across the country to convince readers that tobacco companies are not theTO blame for health care cost, and asserts this portrayal of belief that they are sensible and reasonable. She adopts a logical tone for her audience, the readers of Calgary Herald and others interested in the topic of propaganda, by stating a claim and proving the claim in the contexts of her article. Graydon's piece, (NO COMMA HERE) not only illustrate ILLUSTRATES the functionality of how a propagandist works, but also portrays that propaganda is a way to sway AN individual's belief towards the propagandist favor. Although this does not fully answer if the government use of propaganda in Facebook is affective(EFFECTIVE) , however it does give reason for using propaganda. The tobacco companies used the propaganda in newspaper ads in hopes of changing the belief system of a person, while having the intention of not having the blame for the health care cost. Therefore one can deductively conclude that the effectiveness of a piece of propaganda is CALCULATED by how much have the propagandist influenced the individual in favor of their opinions and thereby causing a shift towards their means. (THIS SENTENCE IS SHAKY. I ADVISE THAT YOU REVISE IT)

From the previous article we sought the reason why someone or something will use propaganda; however what is the government doing on Facebook that expressES the use of propaganda? Government reporter in Seoul for Bloomberg News, covering news for South Korea and North Korea, Sangwon Yoon in her article "North Korea Facebook Account Latest Effort in Propaganda War," published in 2010, addresses the topic of North Korea's use of the social networks as a propaganda method, and argues that this method is a way to praise and promote North Korea and mock other countries. She supports this claim by giving examples of the multiple posts in which the North Korean government posted on Facebook, such as links that criticize South Korea and the U.S. as "warmongers," photos of picturesque North Korean landscapes, and a YouTube video of a dance performance celebrating leader Kim Jong IL. Furthermore, the account username is "uriminzokkiri," meaning "on our own as a nation," and the profile picture is set as monument in Pyongyang. Yoon's purpose is to make people aware of the propaganda that is occurring in North Korea, and how using the social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube is a useful tool in hiding the truth. She does this because on the Facebook page, it suggests for a peaceful reunification, however in truth, it has only boasted North Korea, while humiliating other countries, Yoon in turn wants the audience to look through some of the propaganda that is being suggested. She adopts a dominating tone for her audience, the readers of Huffington post, a political website mostly read by liberals and left leaning and others interested in the topic of world news, so readers can easily adapt a position in this predicament, and a possible call to action of combatting this attack of propaganda by the North Koreans. This article discusses and brings up(STOP BEING WORDY!!!!!) the main issues of propaganda and how it is used to persuade the audience while also hiding the truth. Through Yoon's article, she demonstrates that although the government suggest a position in an opinion such as the "yearning" for a peaceful unification, the propaganda suggest otherwise . This correlates with Graydon's piece, of how tobacco companies are using propaganda to sway the people towards a different position of belief, such as agreeing with the company in its stance as sensible and reasonable, while at the same time having a hidden agenda of targeting future generations for cigarettes. Graydon's claim will strengthen Yoon's argument, of how propaganda can be used to persuade people while hiding the truth. This is perfect because it somewhat correlates with my argument that some form of government is using Facebook as a way to manipulate public opinion in favor of their position while hiding the truth. This piece also shows what the government is doing to portray propaganda: such as images, YouTube video posts on Facebook, their Facebook name, and demeaning posts. However is does not answer if their use of propaganda is affective . How much have they swayed to people of North Korea into believing that American's are warmongers, and convinced the world of wanting a peaceful unification through these images, video, and posts.

Essays / essay on water; (emotional paragraph) [3]

try this. I'll start it off for you, but I hope you can get some ideas:

Water. it can be a calm, peacefully flowing river at one place while a raging storm at another. It can conquer the thirst of a small boy while it can also destroy the lives of many others in the form of a flood. It can be a companion to thousands of people listening to their stories of agony,pain,joy or distress. Water, H20, or whatever one wishes to call it, is one of the key elements of our mere existence, yet it can become the bane of our lives as well.

Recently, blah blah, talk about a recent tsunami or a tragedy related to water and then talk about people in the desert needing water.

PLEASE LIKE :)

Writing Feedback / Aim High; Soar High / Essay for writing competition [8]

Oh, that wasn't your essay? I thought that was your essay; so is it the description?

use your creative mind. Write about a time when you helped someone. Describe the weather. Was it windy? Describe how you felt. Or make up something. Did you help a beggar before? Even if you didn't, make it up.

You have to think.

Please like this post and I look forward to reading your essay :)

Essays / "What success means to you & how Endicott will contribute to your future";Need Advice [4]

Why not take a look at its website and look at what it has to offer. The classes, environment...
Below: endicott.edu

If you need more help, just let me know.

Please "like" my post :) below my text box, there is a thumbs up button

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;Should we let children manage money to make them financially responsible adults [4]

superb structure and diction! But your grammar is pretty bad. I revised the first paragraph for you. Look at how many mistakes there are. Revise and I will look at it again :)

here are some corrections:

PLEASE REMEMBER TO LIKE MY POST :)

In the modernTODAY'S society, some people believe that it is better for children growing(I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO SAY HERE) while they attempt to earn their own money at a very early age .As oppose that this behavior do some bad effects on the forming of their personality,especially in their adolescence.On the other hand, this behavior can bring about detrimental effects on one's personality, especially in one's adolescence.(GREAT SENTENCE WITH A FEW TWEAKS! :) Indeed , earning MONEY at early age can bring some experience of the real society, which can made a real practise about how to living independent .It may also establish a concept of money in case that the young people will save money in their future life when they knew how hard to earn money by themselves.However, base on these positive sides , I still believe that the bad sides which have AN effect on children THAT are larger than those seem postive. ( REVISE THE LAST SENTENCE; I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.)

PLEASE REMEMBER TO LIKE MY POST :)

Undergraduate / I'd like to become a Performer Entrepreneur; NYU/Statement of Intent [4]

WHEW! I like it a lot overall. here are some corrections:

Growing up in a Jamaican family in America, my exposure to American music was minimal . AS I GREW UP IN A JAMAICAN FAMILY IN AMERICA, MY EXPOSURE TO AMERICAN MUSIC WAS MINIMAL.It was the sounds of Dancehall and Reggae that filled my household on a regular basis.

... I remembered why I was in love, (INSERT A DASH HERE (--) because of its lyrics and production.

... Eminem, Nas, Rakim, Kool G Rap, and Biggie, just to name a few(AND A LOT MORE). I would spend my nights reading about the history of the genre and listening to the Hip-Hop's most promising contributions.

Most music out todayMOST OF TODAY'S MUSIC is watered down for this reason ...

Not only doDID I want to be a fusion artist myself , but I ALSOwantED to sever the line between Hip-Hop and Jamaican music.

A FEW TWEAKS HERE AND THERE, BUT WOW! :) PLEASE LIKE

Graduate / Entrepreneurship& risk taking have lived with me since I was a kid;PS/LSE GradStudies [2]

WHOAH, this is huge. I'll edit some of it for you below:

PLEASE REMEMBER TO LIKE MY POST :)

The first time I had an experience with trading was in August, 2011 at the trading desk in Bogota - Colombia. The fast paced and high energy environment, the constant incoming amount of information flowing through the monitors' screens and the voices of the traders screaming stock quotes, currency trends and long or short positions sparked in me the thought of a career in trading. (THAT IS TOO LONG, I THINK. IT WAS A BIT HARD FOR ME TO FOLLOW) Being part of a family that left its life in Colombia and move to Ecuador amidst the Peruvian-Ecuadorian war of 1995 to create an electromechanical and transmission line company, entrepreneurship and risk taking are values that have lived with me since I was a kid. Watching traders measuring risk, taking decisions, adapting to the changing market, accepting losses and creating new strategies reminded me of the dearFIERCE entrepreneurship spirit I grew up with. In order to develop my interest in trading I obtained a Certificate of Professional Trader and of Master Trader that gave me the skills to run a profitable personal electronic trading account for the last two years. I was also given the opportunity to be a mentor for the students of the Certificate of Proactive Trader, enhancing not only my markets knowledge but also my ability to explain and communicate in an effective way. Moreover, I was the winner of a trading contest whose prize was a trip to the New York Traders Expo 2012. It was from these experiences and my wish to have more knowledge about the financial markets that I decided to pursue a Master in Finance.

After graduating with honors from high school in Ecuador, I traveled to Malta and France to improve my English and learn French. Besides learning the languages, this trip taught me about other cultures and different ways of living but most important I learned to be adaptable, tolerant and respectful for the differences.BESIDES FROM LEARNING THE LANGUAGE, I LEARNED ABOUT OTHER CULTURES AND DIFFERENT WAYS OF LIVING, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, I LEARNED TO BE ADAPTABLE, TOLERANT, AND RESPECTFUL FOR OUR RESPECTIVE DIFFERENCES. Once the trip was over, I went to Colombia and got accepted to pursue a major in Business Administration at Universidad de los Andes, one of the top universities in South America and the best in the country. Thanks to my good grades at university (COMMA) I was allowed to take extra credits and decided to experiment more quantitative classes out of the Business curriculum such as physics, vector calculus and topography. Such courses gave me extra mathematical and reasoning skills as well as more capability to work(I DON'T LIKE THE WORDING HERE. CAPABILITY WITH?) with numbers than I would have gotten by just following the regular Business Administration path. With my extra allowed credits I also decided to deepen into my French knowledge by applying for a minor in French Language and Culture. More important than the technical or linguistic skills learned from the major, minor and non mandatory classes I took are the skills related to time management, prioritizing and discipline that I acquired from going beyond than the already demanding curriculum I had to follow. I believe these skills will showBE practical not only at studying in a highly challenging school as London School of Economics but also in pursuing a highly exigent career in trading.

Writing Feedback / Aim High; Soar High / Essay for writing competition [8]

I like it a lot, but I don't feel that you are getting personal enough. Anyone can adopt that essay because it is so generic; you have to put in something about yourself, how YOU reached out to others.

Oh and please like my post :)

The first sentence though, was EXTREMELY POWERFUL! :) The essay sort of deprecated as it went on.

THE Human mind is very powerful and if it is conditioned, it can drive a person to achieve whatever he / she(DON'T PUT DASHES IN ESSAYS. WRITE HE OR SHE) wants.

Great success does not mean sacrificing any of THE basic human values like truth, love, right-conduct, peace, non-violence.

Post your next version and please remember to "like" my post :)

Looking forward to the next revision

Dissertations / Selecting a Phd topic in Information System Management [7]

what do you need help with? please explain more thoroughly and articulately.

Writing Feedback / Summer Vacation - Persuasive Essay about Education In America [2]

I like the sound arguments you pose. Great "essay" overall! :) Grammar is below. Please like my reply. Hope I helped :)!

This means changing the difficulty and content of standardized tests as well as well(you repeated twice here) as the schedule the education systems runs by to give students a better chance at success in the world that they are supposed to be prepared for.

"Instruction time is being consumed by monotonous test preparation. - WHY IS THERE A QUOTATION MARK HERE? I CAN'T FIND THE OTHER QUOTATION AT THE END OR ANYWHERE.

The United States Government needs to make some big changes, and shift the way theirITS education system is run.

The current system is not working and the Government should be changing it to better students lives in the long run and help this country become more successful.- I DON'T LIKE THE WORDING HERE. CHANGE IT TO THIS: THE CURRENT SYSTEM IS NOT WORKING, AND THUS, THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD CHANGE IT TO BETTER THE LIVES OF STUDENTS IN THE LONG WRONG AND TO HELP THIS COUNTRY BECOME MORE SUCCESSFUL.

Great overall, but I couldn't find anywhere that shows that America is using reviews instead of instruction. Where is your proof? I can't find a quote or maybe it's too long and my eyes can't reach that far.

Oh, and please like my post :)

Undergraduate / How do you get the hang of Thursdays? UofM LSA Honors [4]

Um...

I think I like it the way it is. Really. Three examples would make it seem crooked.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Whether convenience foods can take place of traditional foods? [5]

Take a look at some grammar stuff online. englishgrammar101.com

That will help you with grammar :)

Undergraduate / How do you get the hang of Thursdays? UofM LSA Honors [4]

I like your essay and creativity. IS this for University of Michigan LSA, Honor's Program? I am not applying there; I thought the prompt was very interesting and I searched it up on google, and that is what I found.

It seems every day of the week has a distinctive characteristic, one that people can recognize as if they are referring to a close friend or a classmate. When someone remarks (comma) "Today feels like a Tuesday," everyone seems to understand exactly what that means. PUT COMMAS BEHIND ALL OF YOUR QUOTATIONS!!!

Moreover, Thursdays should not be somethingdays to become accustomed to oror to be masterfully conquered because that would imply that all Thursdays are the same.

I am sort of vacillating on your feelings about Monday-Friday because the prompt asks about Thursday. I feel you are getting a bit off track there. Yet I like the feeling it evokes and I learn a lot about how you think from there. I guess I would leave it there, just giving my two cents. That part also seemed a bit ambiguous to me.

I really can't find a lot of grammar mistakes.

Your conclusion isn't finished, I think. I think you should end with a famous quote. I don't know. Post your revised draft and I will correct again. Great essay overall! Please like my post :)

Writing Feedback / Affirmative Action desperately needs a face lift!: Essay on a Political Issue [5]

Those wrongs have nothing to do with my future. - use another word instead of wrongs.

The minority applicants were underestimated because of the race that they were born into and the associations that come with it. - The minority applicants were underestimated because of their race and the associations that came with it.

I do not support putting people into broad categories and check boxes (comma) whether they are minorities or majorities.

Post your next draft with the revisions because I can't make sense of Didgeroos and my corrections. I think Didgeroo got the rest but I need a clean draft to check. :)

Please like my posts :)

Writing Feedback / Affirmative Action desperately needs a face lift!: Essay on a Political Issue [5]

Ah...

I am Asian myself and I have mixed opinions on Affirmative Action. My dad is a lawyer so talks to me about it all the time. But back on track to the essay and I'll try to leave my personal feelings out of it :)

I like how you supported your answer, but:

Affirmative Action desperately needs a face lift. When the policy of Affirmative Action was first instituted, (comma) conditions were clearly not equal for people who were of different races or genders(ethnicities is a better word here, I think) . However, Affirmative Action has helped to make conditions more equal for members of minority groups, so much so that it is not as necessary today. Affirmative Action is an issue that is of importance to me particularly because I am an African American female. Personally, I would not like to be identified by my race or gender. Rather, I would prefer to be seen for who I am and for what I can do.(because as as an African American female, I would not like to be identified by my race or gender, but by who I am and what I do.

I promise I'll fix the rest of your essay later. I like your conclusion but I really have to go now. But your essay is VERY GOOD! :) But does your teacher want 5 paragraphs or only three?

Writing Feedback / Saving the endangered plant of Torreya; Intergrated Writing/ TOEFL [4]

Pretty good overall but here are some grammatical errors:

In this set of materials, the author states that experts are trying to find ways to inhibit the decline of Torreya; however, the professor challenges theTHIS idea in the reading passage.

YOU NEED A LONGER INTRO. ONE SENTENCE FOR YOUR INTRO IS NOT ENOUGH!!! YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, SUCH AS: THIS CAN BE EXEMPLIFIED THROUGH...

First, the reading passage describes the scientists are working in making the microclimate for the plants to sustain their life; however, the professor states the opposite opinion because it is not easy to reestablish the same living environment since the microclimate is not as dryer as it should be.- REVISE IT TO THIS: FIRST, THE PASSAGE DESCRIBES THE SCIENTISTS WHO ARE MAKING THE MICROCLIMATE FOR PLANTS TO SUSTAIN LIFE; HOWEVER, THE PROFESSOR DISAGREES BECAUSE IT IS NOT EASY TO REESTABLISH THE SAME LIVING ENVIRONMENT SINCE THE MICROCLIMATE IS NOT AS DRY AS IT SHOULD BE.

ALSO, YOU NEED A CONCLUSION. YOUR STRUCTURE AND WRITING AND GRAMMAR IS VERY GOOD :), BUT YOU NEED A CONCLUSION TO SUM UP THE WHOLE ESSAY. YOU CAN TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OTHER TOEFEL ESSAYS ON THIS SITE TO SEE.

Essays / Application for a medical camp; Need help writing an essay about myself! [13]

:). Okay, let's see,

Can you brainstorm some ideas or try to write out an introduction? Ohh... I understand now. So talk about the time you were in the dermatologist shop or whatever... describe how you felt... what happened. And then talk about how that experience motivated you. You can also search up on google for some dermatoligist essays.

studymode/essays/Dermatology-Career-Report-202176.

That might give you some ideas.

Oh yeah, and plz like this post.

Essays / Application for a medical camp; Need help writing an essay about myself! [13]

So you have no experience at all... right?

Essays / Application for a medical camp; Need help writing an essay about myself! [13]

Ahhh...

Yes, describing cracked skin and all of that stuff :)

Okay, so how did you come to like dermatology?

Wow cherrypac, we are saying THE EXACT SAME THINGS! THAT IS CREEPY BECAUSE I DON'T YOU ARE POSTING!

Essays / Application for a medical camp; Need help writing an essay about myself! [13]

Okay,

Start off with a short anecdote to attract the interest of the reader. An anecdote is a short story. What are you interested in? Also, what field is this? If it is science, for instance, perhaps start off with a story about you observing the environment and thinking about how things work.

But I can't decide for you what you like to do or what job you want to have. That is all YOU. Make up something if you have to.

And if you have to make up a job, then pick one related to the theme of the summer camp. Are your parents in the medical field? Are your parents struggling to make ends meet?

Put all of that in your essay and say that you want to make a difference. If your parents didn't go to college or are struggling, you can say you want to help them.

Did someone introduce you to science or medicine or whatever? How did you come to like it? Explain

Use your brain. This isn't that hard of a prompt; so good luck :) and post your essay here when done.

Writing Feedback / Older people think the world was a better place when they were young. [10]

Ummm...

Well, check out this site:

kopitiamenglish.blogspot.com/2011/06/idioms-in-essays.html

Maybe that will help you. If you need anything else, just let me know.

Scholarship / I link my career with reservoir Engineering; Scholarship in Petroleum Rng [4]

Wow, that's a lot of editing. I'll focus on a little for now...

Such reservoirs are reported to host 3.5 billion (BILLION WHAT? BILLION GALLONS, BILLION TANKS, BUT YOU NEED A NOUN AFTER BILLION) of oil

It would be economically viable (THE TERM NORMALLY USED IS ECONOMICALLY FEASIBLE, AND I ADVISE YOU TO USE THAT) to defer the decommissioning stage provided the oilfield still generates positive cashflow.

OKAY, I SEE A PROBLEM. YOUR SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG AND YOU GET CARRIED AWAY. BREAK THEM INTO SHORTER SENTENCES.

LOOK AT THIS SENTENCEl

Keeping in mind that most oilfields are passing peak production period the reservoir engineers are on demand to assist in extending oilfield's life and in squeezing out every last drop of oil.

THAT IS A FRAGMENT. IT ISN'T A COMPLETE SENTENCE.

North Sea reservoir structure favours THE use of miscible gas because of high pressure to attain miscibility.

Resurging THE UK oil industry by using EOR will make A (ADD "A" HERE) positive impact on career perspectives on young graduates by creating extra workplaces, providing with experience of usingWITH new technologies and EOR methods.

GOOD OVERALL! there are more mistakes but I need to go so I will fix later. These are just a few minor ones.

Scholarship / If I could trade places with any superhero or villain for a day, who would I choose a [6]

Thanks for helping me on mine :)

The link helped a lot!

I think you have a really good chance of winning. I can't find any grammar mistakes, really! It is perfect and I like your creativity. The only thing is that you need a stronger and more meaningful conclusion.

Scholarship / Quest for Excellence Awards:Science and Technology Award [3]

Okay, I have limited time right now so I won't comment on grammar, which is overall pretty good, but your content-

How is yours unique? Your opening surely did not catch my attention; try to attract my attention with an incident or something during my life. Perhaps start off with describing your dad's hemorrhagic stroke and describe it vividly with how you felt. And then elaborate on everything else.

I just don't feel yours is unique. But you don't have to take my word for it- all I think is unique, creativity, etc. I don't think you have to change it though really. It's your opinion.

Writing Feedback / Toefl; In which environment children should grow? Is it a big city or countryside? [15]

hey dumi-

Where's EF Kevin and all the other moderators? Have they just ditched us?

Writing Feedback / Ielts - agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services and economy [4]

look at this: https://essayforum.com/writing/numbers-gone-japanese-tourists-travelling-49555/

and this website will help you structure it:
britishcouncil.org/professionals-exams-ielts_lesson_do wnload_3-2.pdf
By contrast,- IN CONTRAST

More specifically,

It can be predicted - Never use this in writing. Say- As a result, it can be seen that...

Revise and I will edit again.