Posts by Pahan

Pahan

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / Writting a argument synthesis essay about Divorce and children [3]

this is a very interesting topic to write on and you have presented some very good facts. :)
Here are some suggestions you may find useful.

Divorce generally puts children at greater risk for many kinds of problems.

A divorce is child's nightmare.It is one of the most harmful things that could happen to his future.

However, most children of divorce do not experience those serious problems; most children are strong and resilient, and most have returned to a pretty normal life after 2-3 years.

... Children of divorce????
Thankfully, most children whose parents have divorced have managed somehow to overcome the emotional trauma.

Try and reduce the grammatical errors and you will have done a good job. :)

Pahan

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / politicians have the greatest influence on the world. [6]

I like the way you have organized the essay. Its very clear. One paragraph for the politicians and one for the scientists. :)
Here are some suggestions that might be useful.

Nevertheless, other people are against this statement as they assert that both politicians and scientists are playing indispensable roles in changing people's everyday life.

I don't think you need the "Nevertheless" part here.
Other people are against this statement as they assert that both politicians and scientists are playing indispensable roles in changing people's everyday life.

I think it would be better to add a little bit more about scientists.

This is a good essay and I hope my suggestions helped. :)

Pahan

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'the aging tendency and burden on the society' - my ielts essay [4]

This is topic that says a lot about the modern world.
Here are some suggestions for you.

Due to the enhanced living conditions among the grey population, ageing has become a commonplace in the society.

The improved living standards of the world have increased the aging population in the society.

Against this backdrop, some people insist on the beneficial impacts it brings to society, whereas there are other voices against it.

Some people insist that this increasing tendency of the aging population is useful to the society. Others see it as a negative impact on the world.

To begin with, the climbing percentage of the ageing population poses a threat to the labor force.

... This is a good point and it has impacted the world already.

Such a trend will lead to a reduction in the number of eligible workers, which impairs the productivity in the workplace and exerts an adverse impact on the overall well-being of society, since growth in GDP is highly correlated with the increase in the number of eligible young employees.

... this sentence is too long. Try to break it down to 2 or 3 sentences.

You have presented good points. I hope my suggestions were helpful. :)

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, Will letter writing disappear? [5]

It's a good essay. I can see a few grammar mistakes here and there.
Here are some suggestions that you might find useful.

Today, communication between people become easier than before, people usually use mobile phone or computer instead of writing traditional letters to contact each others.

Communication has become very easy in the modern world. In the past people relied on letters to communicate with one another but now they usually use the mobile phone or the computer.

it is no doubt that has been delivered much faster, quicker and more efficient.

It is no doubt that information is being delivered much faster and more efficiently than through a letter.

As can be seen, people are getting impatient to wait for any information than in the old time.

It can be seen that people are not patient anymore to wait for information like in the past.

I think you have presented good facts. Try to work out your grammar mistakes. :)

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / Is saving endangered species worth? 'maintain the balance of ecological systems' [3]

This is a wonderfully constructed essay. :)
I could not find much faults in it as it had been organized very well.

we do know that no creature exists in isolation and that ecosystems are delicate arrangements where plants and animals all depends each other for survival.

we do know that no creature exists in isolation and that ecosystems are delicate arrangements where plants and animals all depend on one another for survival.

I too agree on preserving endangered species merely on the fact that all beings have a right to exist, but it must be understood that there is a limit of beings the planet can withstand. Preserving animals who have been endangered due to human activity is no doubt a responsibility, but the rest should be decided by nature. It may seem unkind, but trying to preserve each and every being might result a bigger chaos.

I really enjoyed reading your essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Topic: The Influence of the Internet's knowledge on life [4]

Nowadays, Internet is the compulsory part of every people's life.

The internet is an essential element in people's lives.

This enormous increase in the availability of information profoundly influence people's life in today's world, both positive and negative.

This enormous increase in the availability of information profoundly influence people's life in today's world, both positively and negatively.

Those knowledge enables people to be creative, to invent, to make everything they want.

This knowledge enables people to be creative, to invent, to make everything they want. .... OR
This knowledge helps people to be creative, to invent and to achieve anything they want.

But this statement creates a conflict with your previous statement where you say that people's thoughts become lackluster due to the internet. If it helps people to be inventive and creative their thoughts can not be dull....

Try to correct your grammar mistakes. :)

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / I love the different facets of Taipei [4]

And I'm sorry I did not know that facet actually meant aspect. And now it makes much more sense to me. I am really sorry about that. :)

But I hope you found my other suggestions useful..

Hope to see more essays from you aszxxccv...

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / My father bought me a telescope - signficant experience ;Common App essay [3]

This is a nice essay and it has got a nice flow to it. :)
Here are my suggestions.

. I remember first using it and learning that some of the dots of light in the night sky, the ones that mesmerize me, were planets!

When I used it for the first time, I understood that some of the dots of light in the sky I was so fascinated about were actually planets!

It's something that's difficult to explain, this feeling that telescope inspired in me.

I believe you should use a "the" in front of the telescope.

I like the first couple of paragraphs but the others made it a little confusing.

But i still think you have written a good essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / Papercraft and its influence on my life; extracurricular activities/ work experiences [8]

I like the way you have shown your love for this art. But I'm not sure whether it's a good thing for you to forget things like your papers or essays because of it. :P

I, instead, focus on my creation.

My focus is on my creation instead. ... OR... Instead, I focus on my essay.
There's a lot more you can say about this thing. Perhaps a life experience where paper cutting really helped you.

But its still a nicely constructed essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / My struggle with my dad on a day from coming from school going home [5]

It's a very touching story.
Here are my suggestions.

So, I get home and I see my dad drinking like he always does.

When i got home, I saw my dad drinking as usually.

I totally didn' t know it was his birthday

totally?? I don't think this is a speech. But I can't be sure because there is no prompt.

Anyway you have mixed up the tenses here and there. I think writing everything in the past tense would be the best way to do this essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) foreign visitors should be charged more? [5]

It irrational to charge much more, from foreigners because of their nationality

I do not think you need a comma there.

For instance, a foreigner should pay more money and suffer local peoples' harsh behavior by standing in the quae to visit a historical monument may spoil the enjoyment of the total trip.

Quae? I think it's queue you are looking for.
It seems unfair for a foreigner to pay more and to be standing in the same queue with the locals just to see a historical monument. It might spoil his entire journey.

Tourist demands for the maximum enjoyment of their money.

Tourists expect the maximum for what they pay .

I believe that, charge a little more from the foreign visitors is justifiable.

I believe that foreign visitors should be charged slightly more than the locals.

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Readily prepared' - Most significant challenge you've faced? (MIT) [4]

grammer

It is spelled grammar. :)

Readily prepared, passport in hand socks for the cold nights to come...

This sentence is too long. Try to break it down.
It was the first time of my life that I had to travel alone. I was going to Germany for an astronomy camp and my mind was filled with images about the nights I will spend observing those Arab-named stars.

I believe what you have written is a good life experience for this essay. But I think it would be better if you write how you dealt with it.

Hope my suggestions help. :)

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The concept of only mothers raising their kids has become an old one [4]

A further reason

Another reason

from psychological point of view

from a psychological point of view

from educational perspective

from an educational perspective

For example, a mother can teach soft skills such as communicating and interacting with people while the father can teach some tough skills which are required to survive the harsh realities of life.

Though this is what usually happens I don't quite agree with the idea. Mothers are more than capable of teaching their children about the hardships in life. There are plenty of single mothers who are doing a wonderful job with their kids.

Overall though, I think your essay is good. You have constructed it well.

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / Life with Courage [4]

In my life time I have rarely be called upon to use courage.

I have not been in many situations where my courage was tested.

Those people use their courage way more than they should need too just by walking out their door but they have no choice.

This sentence sounds odd. Might be a good idea to rephrase it like this.
These people need to be courageous just to step outside their own house.

And our military; those people have more courage and bravery than any one person out there on the planet.

You normally don't say more courage or less courage. You could say that a person is courageous or that he is not.

It's just that some people have a harder time finding it then others.

It's just that some people have a harder time finding it than others.

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / Most important benefits from a job: relax, and fulfilling - even if less money [8]

I can see a few grammar mistakes.

Is it more important to do work that one finds fulfilling or work that pay well?

It is good to chose work that one finds fulfill than one that pay well, because when you're working where you relax, and fulfill even though they have to pay well.

This sentence is not clear enough. Fulfillment is not completely about relaxing.
I think it is better to find work that is fulfilling than one that pays well.

I agree with you. But it is important to maintain a delicate balance between them. Because in the modern world it is find to hard a job which is both fulfilling and that pays your rent.

But overall I think you have presented good facts.

Pahan

Dec 6, 2012

Writing Feedback / What would you change if you are given a chance? [3]

The road problem will make trouble to people in traffic.

This road creates problems to people stuck in traffic.

Especially, people who drive a motorbike will face too much dust because of unpaved and rough road.

Especially, people who drive a motorbikes will face too much dust because of the unpaved and rough road.

In contrast, if the government has a budget to repair the road in my hometown, the problem of traffic and other effects would reduce more.

In contrast, if the government repairs the road in my hometown, the problem of traffic would no longer exist.

The paved road or concrete road would bring the available for transportation.

This sentence is not clear. please rephrase it.

the problem in my hometown is to have a bad road

Do not use "to" here since it would mean that your hometown does not have a bad road but would not like to have 1 in the future.

Pahan

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / My physics teacher, the person who made an impact on me; UT Austin essay [4]

Throughout my ~~short,~~ short life I have several people that I have admired and strived to be like.

I think one short would be sufficient.

But the most important impact was the first I had in my academic life.

This sentence is not clear to me. Please rephrase it.

Really there were only two things that he did right as my teacher to push me into taking my education into my own hands.

I'm assuming it was Mr Porter who helped you find the right path. I think it is better to say it like this.
There were only 2 things that Mr Potter did to make me realize what I should do with my education.

The first thing was the conduct of his lessons which easily provided me with knowledge.

Again there is something odd about this sentence.

Pahan

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / Unique aspect of Lehigh/what subject would you make mandatory? [6]

I like your first essay very much. You showed why Leigh university made you feel at home.
Very nicely constructed. Maybe you can emphasize a bit more on the teacher student relationship thing because that is unique aspect you are trying to answer the question with.

.... I like the start. And I like the idea of making a computer proficiency course mandatory.

:)

Pahan

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / HAPPY TO BE HERE. Common app essay; topic of my choice [5]

I like the way you write. Your ideas are very clear and the essay is well constructed.

He used to take short trips here at home but go back again for longer time.

This is the only place I found difficult to understand. Perhaps you should rephrase it.

Overall it's a very good essay. But I think it is always better to post the prompt along with your essay because we could give you more accurate feedback.

Please post the prompt if you can. :)

Pahan

Dec 7, 2012

Undergraduate / Discuss why you want to study engineering and why DUKE? - DUKE supplement [3]

It is difficult for many Americans to grasp the dangers of impure drinking water.

... So true... :D

While our tap water is clean, for more than a billion people in the world this is not the case.

I think it is better to say it like this.
While our tap water is clean, it is not so for more than a billion people around the world.

Research on sustainable engineering solutions led me to discover the Duke Engineers for International Development (DEID) program, where students have taken initiative to start projects in water purification and distribution as part of their commitment to community development.

I like the way you built it up to this point.
I like the way you write. It has a natural flow to it. And I like the way you have presented your arguments and examples. It is a good essay. :)

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Writing Feedback / Privacy of celebrates on newspapers and magazines Ielts essay [6]

In recent years the topic of privacy of celebrated people on magazines and newspapers is debate

The topic of privacy of celebrities on magazines and newspapers has sparked a heated debate in the recent past.

Some people say it should be public to everyone, however I disagree with this attitude and believe these kinds of media should responsibility to what they write.

Some people believe that it should be public. I, however, disagree with this idea. The media should be responsible for what they write.

Firstly, supporters point to the fact that nowadays many favored people frequently use their money on charities and as a consequence, these activities lead to a few positive effects for our society akin to reducing of poverty rate and awakening human rights.

The sentence is too long nad it might confuse the reader. Try to break it down to 2 parts at least.

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Undergraduate / An Achievement/Risk and how you learned from it; CommonApp Essay [3]

Being the youngest in the middle-class family of four, all working relentlessly as either doctors or engineers, I grew up thinking that those two were the only professions in the world.

... The honest truth. It is what every child thinks. :)

Though, even as a child, my hands were always stained with ink and I shouldered large registers of my scribbles.

I don't think you need a "though" here. Or the commas.

When girls my age talked about clothes and make-up, I used my time writing.

Whilst the other girls were busy with their make up and being fashionable, I was busy writing.

There was always a register open in my lap during lessons, in hope of getting a word in when the teacher wasn't looking.

... Are you serious???? lol

Anyway It's a good essay. I enjoyed reading it. It would be better if you post the prompt as well. :)

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Google, Microsoft and Apple' - UC - Describe the world you come from [4]

Computers have made my lives easier and more convenient.

Computers have made my life easier and more convenient. ... OR...
Computers have made many lives easier and more convenient.

Social networks have changed traditional way of communication.

Social networking has changed the traditional way of communicating.

They made it easier for me to access information though search engines, in Indonesia I had to go to the library and search precisely for the appropriate books.

They made it easier for me to access information through search engines. But in Indonesia I had to go to the library and look for the correct books to get what I need.

I like your essay and the way you have shown your enthusiasm towards computing. :)

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Writing Feedback / Impacts of and solutions for rural depopulation??? [6]

I like the essay. Very nice flow and you have presented your examples and arguments very well.

It is not so difficult to find a typical household in the centre of Hanoi with more than ten people living together in an extremely small area from 15 to 20 square meters.

.... very good example.... It catches the reader's eye. :)

If this situation lasts too long, it will affect seriously to the stability and prosperity of a society.

If this situation lasts too long, it will affect the stability and prosperity if a society in a negative manner.

Try talking about the problems caused due to unemployment. It undoubtedly has a direct relationship with the crimes committed in a city.

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Undergraduate / Papercraft and its influence on my life; extracurricular activities/ work experiences [8]

Hehehe I was joking. Obviously you wont forget your essay you just want it out of your head for a little while right? hehe don't worry that part is understandable. You have written a good essay. Keep it up. :)

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Undergraduate / Born in Guangzhou ; Personal Statement - College Application [4]

My family and I came to the United States in 2004.

I think "moved" would be a better word than "came".

I was born in Guangzhou, China a very big city.

Guangzhou is the city right? Try saying it like this.
I was born in Guangzhou, a very big city in China. ... OR...
I was born in a very big city in China called Guangzhou.

When they told me at the age of 7, that our whole family is going to San Francisco, I was excited and nervous at the same time.

When I got to know that our whole family was moving to San Francisco, I was excited and nervous as any 7 year old boy would be.

My parents have always told me to work hard in school. It was a very difficult first year of school for me because I didn't know any English.

Didn't know "much" English would sound better, but that I might be wrong.

Pahan

Dec 8, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'Not being hopeless' - Working in a group or working independently? [3]

Some people prefere to implement their works,researches and investigations all by themselves;

Some people prefer to do their work and research alone.

However, some choose groups inorder to accomplish their tasks.

Others prefer to work in groups to accomplish their tasks.

.As far as I'm concerned,participating in a group has defenitely a lot more benefits than working individually, such as creating and achieving a better result
, having more time for focusing on our work and being motivated spi ritually.

As far as I'm concerned, a group of people working together has a lot more benefits to gain than someone working alone.

Yous essay is good but try to keep things simple. :)

Pahan

Dec 9, 2012

Undergraduate / Engineering is my passion ESSAY(myself); I am desperate to prove myself to the world [3]

I turned eighteen a few months from today.

I turned eighteen a few months back.

My father Mr. Kanagaraj, is a business man and my mother Mrs. Jayanthy is a house wife.

Businessman is one word.

She is greatest mother who direct me in every success of my life.

She is a a great mother and has directed me to success throughout my life.

He guided me with many good habits which are essential for life.

I think taught would be a better word here instead of guide.

It is my fortune to have a great family and me always thankful to god for this utmost blessing.

It is my fortune to have such a great family and I am thankful to god for this blessing.

The topic is Engineering is my passion right? But then all your about family would be irrelevant. Focus on the topic a bit more.

Pahan

Dec 9, 2012

Writing Feedback / Beubg Friendly and considerate ; characteristics of good neighbors [3]

From past to now, people have always been attracted to live with each other.

This sentence doesn't sound very good. Try this.
Since the stone age, man has always lived in groups.

In the past they lived in the big house and shared some of part like kitchen, and now they live in the separated house yet they live near each.

This sentence has several grammar errors.
In the past, an entire family would live in one big house. In the modern world however, families no longer live in the same house. They have separate houses and yet mange to live near each other.

I can see a lot of grammar mistakes. Please pay attention to grammar.

Pahan

Dec 9, 2012

Undergraduate / I've always desired of venturing off into the large cities: NYU Supplement [6]

But try to keep it all in either present tense or past tense, not both.

I agree. It gets confusing when that happens. You have answered the question accurately.

The limitless opportunities available in the international pub NYC, will give me knowledge that reading textbooks will not, and foster my personal growth as I interact with people from all over the world.

I felt as if the sentence was a little too long. Would be better to break it down I think.

Pahan

Dec 9, 2012

Writing Feedback / Theoretical knowledge or practical skill. [3]

First of all, many school graduates find themselves unable to do practical work or to solve practical problems at work...

Hmmm.. The sentence is a little too long. Try to break it down.
Firstly, many school graduates find themselves unable to do practical work or to solve practical problems at work. This has caused the number of unemployed graduate students to rise since the university too offers a theoretical education rather than a practical one.

I like your examples. Try to find more and I think you will need a bit more detail for the ones you already have. Oh by the way your introduction is great as Dumi said. :)

Pahan

Dec 9, 2012

Undergraduate / I take pride in the insight I have gained from experiencing how other people live. [3]

As I got to know some of the locals, who had much less than I do but are still completely content, I grew a greater appreciation for life.

As I got to know some locals, who had much less than i did, and yet so content with their lives. I grew a greater appreciation for life because of them.

Meeting these people made me aware of the advantages of living a more simplistic life.

.... Strong sentence.

I liked your essay. Very neat and tidy. Nicely constructed as well. And most importantly it was enjoyable to read it. Well done. :)

Pahan

Dec 9, 2012

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants,other people prefer.. [8]

This is a good essay for a number of reasons. You have understood the question correctly and answered it well. You have used examples for all your reasons to cook at home. And the argument is well presented. Perhaps you can add just a little bit more detail to the last reason (cooking as your hobby). Overall it's a good essay. Well done. :)

Pahan

Dec 9, 2012

Undergraduate / India- is synonymous to cultural diversity; MIT Essay - background and identity [4]

The very country that I belong to, India- is synonymous to cultural variety.

I think it's diversity you are looking for.. It would be better to use that instead of variety.

my family and I celebrate about 14 festivals in a year, the most prominent amongst them being Durga Puja, Kali Puja, Janmasthami, and Diwali.

I don't think you need a "in" after "festivals" here.

Is the 1st essay within the word count??
I like the second essay very much. But try to keep things simple with small sentences. You have done a good job nevertheless. :)

Pahan

Dec 10, 2012

Writing Feedback / I have some true friends! ; My memorable experience(s)" [4]

In my life, I have some friends but they are true friends.

This sentence sounds a little odd. Let me help you.
I have few friends in my life, but they are true friends.

When we were being on train, we met old couple who can speak Thai, we had the same direction, so they came with us.

We met an old couple while travelling on the train. They could speak Thai and since they were going to the same place as us, they decided to join us.

We decided to separate for 2 groups, one group went down the stairs and another waited for an elevator with old couple but we misunderstood that the exit from an elevator and stairs were the same, so we lost each other and hadn't mobile phone or internet.

... This sentence is too long. Try to break it down.
We decided to go in 2 separate groups. One group took the stairs and the other group waited for the elevator with the old couple.

I dont quite understand the next bit. If the exits of the elevator and the stairs were the same how did you get lost???

Pahan

Dec 10, 2012

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for the EPIC program; Scholarship Essay [3]

I agree. I didn't quite understand it either. I think it would be best if you rephrase it. :)

I think the rest of the letter is good. Everything you say is clear and very nicely constructed. Good luck. :)

Pahan

Dec 10, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Beijing example; Petrol price rising vs traffic and pollution [3]

It is a fact that traffic and pollution becomes the major problem to modern cites

It is a fact that traffic and pollution has become the major problem to modern cities.

Some people thought the dramatic increasing number of private cars every year is essential reason to cause such a problem and claim the best way to solve is to raising the price of petrol.

Some believed that the increase in number of motor vehicles every year was the cause to this problem. They also believed that the best way to solve it was to increase the price of fuel.

Pahan

Dec 10, 2012

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Do you prefer to use the telephone or email? [8]

Although I admit that sending an email seems more convenience than making a call,

Although I admit that sending an email seems more convenient than making a call,

I have there reasons why I prefer the telephone.

There are three reasons for me to prefer the telephone over emails.

First, it a timesaving second, it is more effective and third, it is a better way to express my feelings.

Firstly it is much more time saving. Secondly is more it is more effective and thirdly, it is a btter way to express my feelings.

Pahan

Dec 10, 2012

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Do you prefer to use the telephone or email? [8]

Oh shoot. I'm sorry about that. Cut the first "is more" part. I have typed that by mistake.

He was angry not because I want to quit job, but because I wanted to quit job by an email.

He was angry not because I wanted to quit the job, but because I had resigned by an email.

I was so concerned about his reaction to this situation because he was a very angry person, but even so, he politely warned me to send that email to the right person.

Angry person??? I think it is better if you rephrase that. :)

Pahan

Dec 10, 2012

Writing Feedback / I have some true friends! ; My memorable experience(s)" [4]

Ahhhhh now I understand what you meant. hehe.
Hmmm why not try to say it like this.

We decided to go in 2 separate groups. One group took the stairs and the other group waited for the elevator with the old couple. But unfortunately we did not realize that the elevator and the stairs lead to 2 different exits. The worst part was that no one had a mobile and so we didn't have any way of communicating with each other.

I hope this sounds better to you. :)