Posts by Ulaai

Ulaai

May 26, 2021

Scholarship / Plan After Study - Posco Asia Fellowship [3]

Try to breakdown your plans into three parts: short-term, mid-term, and long-term plan. Short term plan is the goal that can be easily achievable after getting your Master degree. For example, applying to be a lecturer. Mid-term plan would be things that you want to pursue after achieving your short term plan. This could be doing research in your interest area, or taking a PhD. Long term plan would be things that you can only achieve far in the future after getting the experience and expertise that you need. This could be becoming a professor in your local university. You probably want to do things like improving cooperation between institutions and commencing an exchange program, but this would be waaay in the future after you become a professor, which is unrelated to your motivation to pursue a Master degree.

You need to be focused but also realistic. Connect your plans with the degree and the scholarship. Fellowships usually offer vast range of connections to individuals and industry. How can they help you reach your aspirations? I also agree with Holt that you need to make sure what is your actual goals. If it's for academic reasons, then show that in your answer.

Good luck!

Ulaai

May 26, 2021

Scholarship / Reasons for choosing Korea as study abroad destination [4]

The prompt is "Reasons for choosing Korea as study abroad destination." You are expected to explain why you want to study there. Therefore, you should answer with the perspective of academic and professional development. Your current answers are however, are like telling the reviewer with big letters "I want to travel to Korea!". Hundreds of other applicants probably have the same motivation as yours, but you are going there to study, not for leisure or holiday. Here's some questions that might help you develop better answers.

- What major are you pursuing? Is Korea the best place to study your major? Do you have any specific academic interest that can only be achieved in Korea?

- What is the prospect of your career? How is the industry in Korea? Is it advanced and well developed?
- How would studying in Korea help you achieve your goal and aspirations?

Try to answer these questions to form idea of how you should answer the prompt. Just saying "South Korea has a great quality of education system" isn't enough, there are other countries with good education systems too. Try to be specific and personal. You can also read other essays here to see how others would answer similar questions.

Good luck!

Ulaai

Mar 12, 2020

Essays / How to write a research proposal on smart port development? [6]

What major are you applying to? You are expected to have done your own research on the program and at least know what you will be learning, especially because you have such a specific topic which is smart port. To begin with, you have to understand well:

- what smart port is
- the importance of smart port
- the importance of having smart port in Vietnam
- the methodology you will use for developing smart port models
- expected outcome of the research

which isn't found in your abstract yet. Abstract is supposed to be a summary of your whole research. If you have written bachelor thesis / research paper before, the experience should help you to develop a better abstract. What you have now shows your lack of specific knowledge related in your knowledge. Read more papers, recent publications or article to know the trends on smart port to gain knowledge and terminology that you can use on your abstract. Also, marine is not the same as maritime (as you wrote, "marine economy"). Be careful with this. Always research first.

Ulaai

Feb 26, 2020

Graduate / Essay on 'Why My Undergraduate Academic Performance Is A Poor Indication of Potential' [3]

I set my mind on graduating by 2018 instead of 2019.
So, did you managed to do that in the end? How did it go? Don't forget to talk about the result of your hardwork and make sure it shows your potential as a good student.

I badgered the dean and professors to let me ... a privilege reserved for only the best-performing students.
This came across as rude and forceful. Also, like I said before, show your result to prove that you were desperate to succeed.

I think it would be better to conclude with something like: "as long you are motivated, the place you're studying doesn't matter, university doesn't define success but hardwork does" or something along that idea. That would made your writing a bit more reflective, showing that you have learned something from your past experiences.

Ulaai

Feb 15, 2020

Letters / Double Degree in France (Motivation Letter) [3]

You are writing a motivation letter, which means you have to explain why you want to pursue this particular program. It has to be something in their academic curriculum that attracted you to study in their program. The reason "because I want to study in France", which is very apparent throughout the whole writing, is not a very strong and convincing motivation. The fact that you're well acquainted with French culture should only be a supplementary note, not the whole reason you're applying. Maybe you can talk more about your major and why you really need to take this double degree program in Ecole Centrale instead of other institutions. Your motivation should either related to your academic interest or professional goal, i.e. career you wish to pursue in the future.

Ulaai

Feb 14, 2020

Undergraduate / UWaterloo AIF Help (Computer Science and Data Science) - reasons of your program choice [4]

Hi. I think you need to be more specific about what sparked your interest in CS and Data Science. Instead of saying "I've always been fascinated", talk about that light-bulb moment when you realized you really want to study this major. It can be a class you take, a competition you joined, or your first computer program. Something that shows you know what you will be doing in your major. That would make your motivation stronger and more convincing.

Separate the reasons of wanting to apply for both programs in separate sentences. Afterall, they are two different programs.

Your second paragraph needs a bit more work as every sentence only talks about "work". The question asked about your educational goals. What subject in Waterloo you're looking forward too? You can also borrow the first paragraph of your first draft "I aspire to become a software developer..." and connect it to how Waterloo will help you to reach your goal.

Ulaai

Feb 10, 2020

Graduate / SOP for MS in Industrial Engineering; to make connections within the field and ultimately land a job [4]

As the major you're applying isn't in line with your undergraduate major (ME -> Industrial Eng), you need to emphasis how you were able to come with this decision. Mention only relevant experiences, interests and career aspirations that guides you to this field (IE) and MS program. If you're applying to specific university, elaborate why you choose the institution. Other universities also offer Industrial Engineering courses, with networking and also working opportunity upon graduation. Why do you need to apply to this university specifically?

Also there are many mistakes in your writing, be careful and always proofread your writing to ensure readability.
intricate problems in an Industry in the industry
Also, I will practical knowledge with theoretical
By MS in Industrial Engineering course,

When using acronym, introduce the full term first.
This is right: Program Evaluation, and Review Technique (PERT)
This is not: CPM (Critical path method)

Good luck with your application.

Ulaai

Feb 10, 2020

Research Papers / I need commentary. My essay is about the justification of college vs its alternatives. [3]

"Instead of chasing an experience that may actually prove to put them in debt..." there is a little bias here because it implies that having debt, although problematic, is not worth it and is a 'regrettable decision.' Also, I wonder about the general direction of your paper, whether you wanted to (1) prove that alternatives are better than colleges, (2) prove that alternatives are worth considering, or (3) college is not worth it at all. Nonetheless, none of these ideas are strongly supported in your writing. You only include the strong points of alternative education and the weak points of colleges. If you want to take a more neutral stance, give a fair comparison between the two, such as "colleges are suitable for those who want to pursue an academic career" or if there are also shady practices in alternatives education field.

Consider giving relevant figures that support your statement. For example, the comparison of employment rate between university graduates & people with alternative education to support the statement "universities aren't giving students the skills they need to compete in the job market".

Ulaai

Feb 3, 2020

Graduate / Applying to the MAIA to be fully educated - SOP [3]

Hi there. First of all, I find your writing incredibly hard to read. Pay attention to capitalization and punctuation, as the reviewer will read hundreds of similar letters and without readability your statement will hardly leave meaningful impression.

Second, the lack of structure makes your writing look cluttered and again, hard to read. There are a lot of guides for it on the internet. Here's a structure you can use:

1st paragraph - introduction, your objective of the study
2nd - specific techniques or skills that you have, or your experiences
3rd - why this program will help you reach your objective (e.g. they have subjects you're interested in or professors you want to work with)

4th - future plan after you go back to your country
5th - conclusion

There are a lot of grammatical errors that I'm struggling to understand what you mean. Here's a simple rule of thumb: make sure your sentences have at least basic construction Subject-Predicate-Object. This will help you avoid ambiguous sentences such as: "...as an IT expert and network professional plus configure embedded some technology." or "... and make me to have a great exposure in company works with many programmers and ..."

Hope this helps, and good luck with your application.

Ulaai

Jan 31, 2020

Scholarship / Supporting statement 1 about course choice for NZAID Scholarship application [3]

You are applying to for postgraduate education when you've already working, which means there is a gap in your knowledge that can't be filled within your current environment and thus you want to learn more in formal institution. Based on your writing, you haven't clearly explained your motivation to pursue this program, what do you expect to learn in the program, skills/knowledge you have about the related research field, or why you have to take your major in this particular institution. Instead, you are wasting the available space by writing about general facts that are not related to you at all and definitely not useful to reviewers.

I'd suggest rewriting your statement around this idea. You can reuse the bits about your experience but try to be reflective and be careful with your wording. "These has resulted in misdiagnosis..." is a very strong sentence. You might explain instead how you were able to overcome this issue despite your shortcomings. Don't forget that your job is to convince the selection committee that you are a capable and remarkable candidate.

The prompt is asking the reason why you choose your preferred course. Don't talk about why this field is important, but why it's important to you to take this course. Talk about your initial motivation and then connect it to your future career aspirations and contributions (i.e. why this course will help you in the future).

Ulaai

Jan 29, 2020

Writing Feedback / The table gives information about the employment sectors in which people from 3 age groups worked [5]

Try to observe the data vertically (by age groups) first, then horizontally. You can start by creating general statements from each age group: young (not teenager), middle-age and older adults. You can express the number in percentages: provided you have enough time, you can find that the total adds up to 103, 100, 100 respectively. By doing this, you can notice things such as "manufacturing and health industry are equally popular for middle age workers."

After highlighting the preference from each age group, then you can view the data horizontally. You wrote "Interestingly, law ..., it remains the same number (4)." The data is not a statistic of career change, but rather how workers of different age are distributed in various sectors. So the correct way to see it is, "law is the sector in which the proportion for each age group is equal." Hope this helps you in forming ideas for your writing.

Ulaai

Jan 29, 2020

Scholarship / "I'll use every split second to improve myself" - Erasmus Mundus Joint Master's Program application [3]

~~Having the passion to languages~~
A particular advice I have heard a lot when it comes to write personal statement/cover letter is do not use the word "passion." It doesn't add any value to convince the reader that you are truly dedicated to the subject. Expand on particular experience or accomplishment to show that you are knowledgeable and skillful in what you're doing instead.

Highlight links of your previous education/experience to the curriculum of the programme. I haven't seen any indication in your letter that indicates you're knowledgeable of what you will study in the programme. You're applying for "Technology for Translation and Interpreting" programme: what kind of technology do you expect to learn there? What field of subject excites you the most? The reasons why you choose the program aren't strong enough. Don't explain why a programme is good for you, but explain why you are a good candidate for it and why it will help you with your future career plans.

There are many sentences in your letter that aren't personal such as "I am very curious to know all about the life, food ...", "Thus, if you find me as a suitable candidate for ..." these are words applicable to every other candidate applying to the same program as you. So, I'd advise to pick 1-2 past experiences or accomplishments that you're truly proud of and link it to the major then your professional aspirations.

Ulaai

Jan 25, 2020

Scholarship / Application to study at a Korean university. Personal statement- Arts management. GKS-KGSP 2020 [3]

I think you take too long to state your intention of pursuing master's degree in arts management. Until half way in, I thought you wanted to enroll in Music Performance or Music Production. You should state your intended major in short much earlier in the essay, then use your experience as a way to show the motivation behind it. Seeing you have many experiences, you can mention your accomplishments related to your major. That undoubtedly will be your strengths. Also you can specify what kind of arts in arts management field you want to specialize in, and what is your career plan in the future.

Ulaai

Jan 20, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS2; We should invest in advanced railway lines for fast trains to facilitate our commuting [4]

Hi, I think you need to look deeper into the prompt beyond what is written and see if you can view it from different perspectives. The arguments are railway lines for fast trains between cities vs public transportation. For example, the first paragraph, you mentioned that it will attract tourists, but then later state it will promote productivity and efficiency for students and employees. In reality, most high speed railways tickets tend to be very expensive and not meant as a tourist attraction, so the passengers are not regular commuters but people who want to travel in short amount of time as possible and willing to pay more for it.

The second paragraph on the other hand, has many groundless assumptions, such as "They believe it should be improved regularly" or "many people believe we can live without advanced railways." Don't assume any other opinion except what is given in the prompt and your own. Try to connect your ideas in more logical way rather than conjecture.

Ulaai

Jan 20, 2020

Undergraduate / The Reason Why I Am Interested In Engineering And Willing To Perform Well [5]

Hi, what is the word limit on this prompt? Try to expand more about your experiences or proficiency in programming. I feel like you haven't communicate very strongly why you decided to pursue SE. There are other engineering majors that involve programming too.

I noticed that the writing doesn't reflect what you said in the title (i.e. the reason you're willing to perform well). So make appropriate changes that would set you apart from other candidates.

Ulaai

Jan 20, 2020

Graduate / SOP Pharmacy Phd review! I look forward to all critiques [4]

Hi, I think your personal statement looks pretty solid already. My advice would be to include your future plan after graduating/what accomplishment you'd like to achieve with your PhD degree, whether you want to an academic career or a professional one.

Also I'd suggest rewriting the fourth paragraph to change the questions into proper sentences.

Ulaai

Jan 18, 2020

Undergraduate / International issues - Personal Statement for Applying to undergraduate course at NUS [7]

Have you tried build your own games? You can elaborate more on that. What programming language or platform did you use to make the game? Have you finished any online programming course? Mention any technical skills related to programming in order to connect more to the major you're applying to.

Ulaai

Jan 18, 2020

Scholarship / I've chosen to study B.A (English Language and Linguistics) to become an English teacher in Myanmar [3]

Hello. I think your essay lack proper plan of what you intend to do in your study. First, do research on the department you're aiming for. Is there any specific courses you want to take? Any professor you're especially keen to work with? For example, you mentioned creative writing, so maybe you'd want to explain how are you going to enhance your skill of writing in this university. Try to include any past experience that is relevant or any expertise that will help you excel in your studies.

After obtaining the opportunity to study... I will take all the necessary subjects and study hard.
There is no need to mention this, of course the selection committee will expect you to study hard.

After graduating, I intend to obtain a teaching license...

~~This course will aid me...~~
~~My dream job is an English teacher...~~
It's a repetition from the last sentence in first paragraph. Consider omit it.

I think your last paragraph isn't very relevant and doesn't support or answer the question. It's a plan of your study, so carefully consider what you think you will get from the degree and how it may help you academically. Yes, the children needs you, but this is not the correct place to say that, and instead, focus on how you're the right candidate for the programme by showing you have done your research and knowing exactly what you want to pursue.

Also, yes. Write only up to 200 words. The rule exists for a reason.

Ulaai

Jan 4, 2020

Letters / Stipendium Hungaricum motivational letter - answering points one by one [2]

Highlight more about what sparked your interest in civil engineering. Make sure what you write is personal. Talk about the aspect of civil engineering that excites you. Why do you want to be a structural engineer among other specializations? Then you can support your interest with relevant experiences.

Why are you applying for this program? Think about this for a second. There are many scholarship programs other than this. What aspect of the program appeals to you? It would be good if you can answer this from academic perspective or connect it to your desired major. It can be the university you're applying to has interesting courses, or you want to work with the renowned faculty there, etc. Look at the curriculum and find out the ways it can help you grow as a person and future engineer.

Imagine what will you do after you graduate. Will you work in a construction company, consulting agency, or in university? Will you work as an engineer or a consultant? How do you plan to improve people lives and make impact?

Avoid contractions and try to answer the questions in a more formal manner. The admission committe will read hundreds of answers from other applicants, so make sure your writing is easy to read and well-structured. The essay part is a chance for you to elaborate things that aren't covered in your resumes or transcript, so it's better to use the space available as best as possible.

I hope this helps, and good luck with your application.

Ulaai

Jan 4, 2020

Graduate / I am going to write a study objective for the Fulbright scholarship [2]

Hello. From what I understand, it seems like you still don't have specific place to pursue your masters degree in mind. So it's best to research first which uni do you want to go to. You can go to sites such as QR Ranking or THE that annually release university rankings, then search for university that has high quality engineering majors. Go to each university website, look for your desired major, which is civil engineering, and see if they are doing research or offers subjects related to your academic interests. After that, you can start writing your study objective.

Keep your essay structured. There are a lot of guides for it on the internet. Here's a structure you can use:
1st paragraph - introduction, your objective of the study
2nd - specific techniques or skills that you have, or your experiences
3rd - why this program will help you reach your objective (e.g. they have subjects you're interested in or professors you want to work with)

4th - future plan after you go back to your country
5th - conclusion

Hope this helps, and good luck on your application.

Ulaai

Jan 2, 2020

Undergraduate / My plans are connected with Indonesia if I'll be not able to receive the scholarship (100 words max) [3]

What major are you applying for? I'm sure aside from this one, you have written another essay that explains why you want to get the scholarship in order to study major X in University Y. If you're not accepted, how will you reach your goal and aspiration that is stated in this essay? There are surely many ways to reach a goal. I think this is what the admission committee wants to know from you. Consider these questions as a base to write your essay.

Hope this helps and good luck! :)

Ulaai

Jan 2, 2020

Graduate / Pursuing master's degree in International Trade GKS/KGSP - small family and destiny [3]

Hi there. Personally, I think your essay lacks structure. It's difficult to understand the direction of your personal statement. I can see that you're trying to explain your initial motivation to work hard (?) and your accomplishments, but I still couldn't get what do you want to achieve with this scholarship, what is your future career aspirations, and why the major of international trade, specifically. The first paragraph is very lengthy and it doesn't convey your main intention which is pursuing master's degree.

There are a lot of guides on writing personal statement on the internet. This can be your starting point! Here is the structure guide I personally use:

1. Introduction
2. Knowledge and interest
---Particular areas of interest
---Career aspirations
---Awareness of cultural/ industry affairs
---Relevant work/voluntary experience
3. Further reading / work experience / career interest
4. Extracurricular
5. Conclusion

Hope this helps, and good luck with your application!

Ulaai

Jan 2, 2020

Graduate / Personal Statement for Tourism Development and Culture EMJMD [3]

Although I was quite into my major, I was doubtful ...
Personally, I don't think this sounds very positive. Maybe you can omit this part and highlight on subjects you really enjoy during your study that relates (at least partially) to the major you're aiming for.

could not wait until

I really love my job as a guide, but I would like to ...

The 'but' part bugged me a little bit. "I love this, but-" doesn't sound like you like it very much anymore. Consider something like "As a guide, I learned to appreciate the importance of viewing tourism development from different angles, as well as understanding contemporary issues that came with it."

I will be very grateful and lucky if I get this chance. I hope ...

I don't think you need this part as it doesn't reinforce the ideas that you presented previously. All applicants will feel the same as you, and they also hoping that they get positive results from the screening committee. I think you can combine the rest of this paragraph with the previous one.

Advices: I think you haven't fully address these prompts:
- how it relates to your personal and academic interests
- Explain why you think you are a good candidate for the programme given your previous studies and the courses offered on the programme in both years.

Try to look at the program's curriculum and find a subject of specialty field that interests you, and try to talk about that. You mentioned that you want to understand contemporary issue-do you have class/subjects you're looking forward to? Or is the field trip, for example, is the thing that excites you the most? Why choose this program, specifically?

Good luck on your application!

Ulaai

Jan 2, 2020

Graduate / Letter of motivation for EMJMD critical care nursing [3]

Hi! I think it's good enough. I'm preparing for an EMJMD program too and your essay looks stunning!

If anything, I think the last line leaves something to be desired. I don't quite understand where you want to go with this. Perhaps you can clarify?

To attain good health care ...

Ulaai

Oct 23, 2018

Scholarship / Why do you want to win this scholarship? What do you hope to gain from the experience? [3]

Hi, can you give some more information about the scholarship, is it a short term program or a degree program?

I can't see any grammatical mistake at a glance so I'll comment on the content.

It's not good to say that you don't know how to answer the question (I hope you don't actually write it in your answer). You say that you agree with their values and mission, but you can't find a way to contribute to their mission? It doesn't make your words more believable.

You can contribute by at least spread out information or make change in your community. You can research more about their scholarship and what kind of events they often hold or encourage and you can based your answer around that.

Last question, about conflict management: recall when you work together with your friends and you have conflict/difference in opinion. Or when you have problem with your teacher. What will you do? How do you solve the problem? This is a question to assess your ability when facing such challenges.

Good luck!

Ulaai

Mar 25, 2015

Scholarship / Artificial Intelligence at one of the world's prestigious University - candidate for a scholarship [3]

When you write an essay, you don't need to use difficult/rarely used words like "elucidating" "tussles" "whittling" just to make you sound more intellectual. Just use simple words that's easy to understand. You just need to make it clear why you're cut out for this scholarship - explain more about "built fourteen robot prototypes", "awarded in national level." They're awesome experiences, so why not elaborate more about it? Explain how all these experiences help you grow as a person and what do you want to achieve in the future with your scholarship.

All in all, be specific. There's no need to mention everything. I hope this helps. Good luck with your essay! :)

Ulaai

Sep 24, 2014

Writing Feedback / Imitation and knowledge stage; childhood - the most significant time in an individual's life (toefl) [8]

Therefore it is my first reason.

Thus it is my second reason.

Better omit these.

Try to rewrite your essay using paragraphs, it will make it look neater and easier to read. Also, pay attention to punctuations. Always put a space after every dot (.) or comma (,). Also, you have a lot of typos, like "usefull ", "peson's ".

My advice is try to read as many as possible essays when you're here to get a broader perspective on how to write a better essay. Good luck! :)

Ulaai

Sep 24, 2014

Writing Feedback / Studying at traditional schools, an individual can gain social skills as well as science information [4]

Since both of choices have different ~~advantageous~~advantages or ~~disadvantageous~~disadvantages

Advantageous is an adjective. Advantages is a verb. They have different advantages, hence they're advantageous.

First, I believe

Second, in my point of view

Yes, we all know that you write the whole essay based on your own perspective, so there's no need to state the same thing multiple times.

For example, when I was studying for the entrance exam of the university lonely at home

Did you mean when I was studying for the entrance exam of the university by myself at home? .

I thought my ~~current~~ knowledge at that time

current = something that are still exist until now. you talk about something in the past, that's not something 'current'.

Finally, I pulled it off.

Last, studying at home moves you to a sedentary life which will cause threat for your mentally health

as a humans

I see that you have a lot of inconsistencies with your grammar. When you talk about the past, use the past tense for all of your sentences.

I hope this helps. Good luck! :)

Ulaai

Jul 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / Dressing in school uniforms indeed prompt students to learn well [2]

Hi memory9711,
First of all, you need to pay attention to your punctuation. After period [.], you need to give a space [ ], and then start the next sentence with a capital letter. Writing every letters in smallcase is not right at all.

School uniforms are various in Singapore nowadays.most schools required students to wear ~~school~~ uniforms every day.

I don't know whether the prompt is limited only in Singapore, but if the topic is considerably used in all over the world, then you don't need to write 'Singapore'.

Nowadays, school uniforms has various types and models. Most schools require students to wear uniforms every day.

Honestly, I have a hard time reading your essay... my advice is try to read as many as possible essays on the Writing Feedback section. Reading other people's essays works for me a lot (and it is unbelievably helpful).

Hope it helps. Good luck! :)

Ulaai

Jul 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL essay] Internship prepare students better for their careers [6]

colleague communication

interpersonal communication.

negotiation, risk management~~...these~~

negotiation, and risk management. These...

To sum up, ~~I total~~ agree

To sum it up, I am totally agree

an internship or ~~some type of work experience in~~ training program

internship or training programs

By this way, the student can apply

the students can apply

Therefore, they will prepare better for ~~the~~ their careers.

Therefore, they can prepare for their careers better.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Ulaai

Jul 13, 2014

Undergraduate / Amherst Supplementary Essay: stereotyped beliefs; power to dictate who you are [2]

Hi ivyaspirer,

In my personal opinion, you're being too direct here. Instead of instantly stating out-of-nowhere that you're a homosexual, you can start by describing where do you live or how the society around you behave. To be honest, I don't have a clear image of what is "Confucius ideals", let alone what country it is and the society that lives in it. To make it clearer to the readers, especially to the admission officers, I think you ought to explain more about this and spend more words in explaining the stereotyped beliefs. For example, how do your friends, or your parents, see this issue (of homosexuals)? Start from a wider range then narrow it to people that are closer to you.

Also, it may be also good to write some people who are supportive to you and keeps you motivated, despite of the society's harsh standards. Do you have a role model or good best friend that's always accompany you through hardships?

You can also list your personal goals and/or dreams to show the readers that you have will to achieve something great.

In the end, you may add some motivational quotes about how important it is to stay true to yourself and such...

That's it from me, hope it helps. :)

Ulaai

Apr 5, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS, TASK; 'In Indonesia, child workers are still the one of the big issues' [3]

I'm sorry, I made a mistake. "In Indonesia" in the first sentence was supposed to be written only once.
Also, my suggestion, try to read English articles/magazines. Analyze the words selection and grammar. It will help you a lot on structuring your sentences. Goodluck!

Ulaai

Apr 3, 2014

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay Question!- Reapplying for Scholarship I applied to last year? [2]

I think you should give them updates of what you've been doing all this time! Show them you're grateful for their help last period (of scholarship). You might also want to emphasize what you've been achieve for the time thanks to their help (or financial aid). After that, you can tell them things you want to do in the future/your plan ahead, so they would know that you have vision and strong motivation to continue learning.

Suggestions: try something like "I have been doing A, B, and C... but I still want to try D and E for the upcoming semester."

Good luck in your essay!

Ulaai

Apr 3, 2014

Scholarship / essay for master scholarships (NZAID); New Zealand & universities [6]

I think your essay is not yet well-structured. I guess you look at some scholarships essays here in the forum and look for what you may lacking. Good luck in your application!

Ulaai

Apr 2, 2014

Undergraduate / Statement Of Purpose for SCAD for undergraduate degree in Industrial Design [3]

My name is Mohammad, I'm from Iran,~~I studied Illustration Computer in Secondary School,~~ I born in 16 September 1989.

My name is Mohammad, I was born and raised in Iran. Umm I can't think any correlation of Illustration Computer with the whole of the essay (what is illustration computer anyway? Did you mean graphic design?).

~~and~~ I really love Industrial Design.~~, I do not know how explain my passion for you maybe it's better I come back to past,~~My passion to this field of study began when ~~for first time~~ I ~~hear~~heard about this major~~, It's back to~~for the first time when I was a freshman in high school,. I had a teacher in there and he studied Industrial Design in college,.W hen he ~~saw~~knew that I have passion for create thingsUmm create things? Not very clear... To design and to create is not the same thing~~in many ways~~ he spoke ~~with~~to me and tell me about it(what is "it"? too vague).until that's time I think for create new product, for invention, for introduce a new object to the world I should study Mechanics, Chemistry, Physics, Electronic and some major like this majors togetherI didn't get what you mean, consider rephrase it.

Then new para.

soAt first, I was confuse about my way to the future and I just saw darkness. But ~~when~~then I ~~met with~~got to know more about Industrial Design andI saw lights in my future.

I don't want my teachers jobs in Iran for my future , I want be a designer not a teacher, I

Owww I feel this is too harsh. Being a teacher is not bad but the point is, you look like you are looking down to teachers! Try something like: I want more. I do not want to be an ordinary human being. I want to contribute to the society with my knowledge and passion by doing something I love; I want to be a designer

.

also I participate in some awards, national and international competition, I won third place in a national competition and in most of the international competition I went to the finals but unfortunately I didn't win, I believe if I could go their also it was possible I win if I had enough information for design better,

What award? What competitions? Not too clear.

~~since factories prefer to produce the copies and some factories just accept you if you are old or famous, so there isn't any chance for some person like me.~~ So I need SCAD to learn me how I can win in awards and markets.

Therefore, I believe that SCAD would be the best place for me to learn and improve myself further.

So I need study in SCAD,

Too demanding. Use more polite words.

I really thinks this is the best way ~~for~~to study industrial design and if you give me this chance you actually give me a ~~clear~~bright future. ~~you help me made my future, I can't explain my passion with words,~~ so I just want say I believe every thinkg can ~~be happened~~can happen

In conclusion:
Your first paragraph is way TOO LONG. Also, too many COMMAS. Break your long sentences into short ones, and if possible, kindly separate them into two or more paragraphs. That will make your essay easier to read.

Instead of telling the whole story of your past, choose just one memorable moment that is related with the major you want to pursue and emphasize it. It's best to go into details instead of just going in the surface.

I wish you luck with your application.

Ulaai

Apr 1, 2014

Undergraduate / MIT essay, Boston; 'I do volunteering job in Boston with Arabs for Altruism' [9]

80% are ~~shame~~too shy

Because I work ~~in S~~at s chool

In the first essay, don't forget to express your pleasure that you gained from doing such activities. Instead of stating three at a time, you can choose only one then explain why you love to do it so much!

I have no problem with the rest of your essays. Seems good to me. Good luck with your application!

Ulaai

Apr 1, 2014

Undergraduate / What is your strength and weaknesses? -- "I am always saved by the last minute!" [4]

I appreciate any feedback. Please be as harsh as possible! Thank you for reading my essay.

What are your strengths and weaknesses? (approx. 500 words)

Nobody is perfect. We all at least know that much. Every person has his or her own strength and weaknesses. I, too, have my own traits that influence my attitude and behavior.

One of my biggest strength is that I am a deep loving and warm person. I treat each and every person without distinction and I always look at someone's eyes sincerely whenever I speak. I would describe myself as a good listener because I am very good at forming an emotional understanding with someone one-on-one. I also happened to be an extrovert and friendly person in general. I think that is a plus by itself, because I love making friends and acquaintances. This nature of mine makes me have plenty number of links and connections so whenever I need something out; there are always people who I can always ask for help.

I am also a good speaker, as I am able to express myself well. I enjoy delivering speech because I love conveying ideas and thoughts to broader audiences. This is what triggered me to join several debate competitions back then, and to my surprise, I even won one! It is really great to find success in things that I enjoy doing.

One of my weaknesses is that I tend to procrastinate. I get very easily distracted. I know the importance of being discipline, but sometimes I cannot help myself but prioritize doing the fun things over the important ones. I can be very unprepared and saved-by-the-last-minute person because of this character of mine (I don't know any better wording for this. Please help!)

People might not notice it, but I am a fairly pessimistic person. If other people were to look about a problem and try to see it positively, I will be the one who thinks, "But how if it goes wrong? How if... how if...?" I will be the first one who see things negatively and often in cynical manner. I particularly dislike this nature of mine so I always try to suppress the feeling, or at least not to say it out loud.

A lot of people also told me that I am a forgetful person. I agree with this, especially when it comes to trivial matters, like birthdays and important dates. Another thing is that I am very easily swayed. I think everything is impressive and everyone is awesome. I think very hard to make a decision but when people ask my way of thinking, my belief staggered.

Finally, I may have a lot of weaknesses, but I always actively work on it. Every time I encounter a situation where my one of my weaknesses impedes me, I attempt to overcome it. It may be hard, but I have definitely made progress along the time.

I also look to apply my strength in new situations, to help refine them. I take every situation as a learning experience and opportunity to improve myself as a person.

What do you think?

Ulaai

Apr 1, 2014

Undergraduate / Purdue writing supplement; Great plan of study will be substantial for my career [2]

In my opinion you should elaborate more on your 'life goals'. What are your life goals? After that you can write about how the university could help you to achieve it. Is it because of their cutting-edge research? Best quality faculties? Connections from the alumni?

"One of the top ten engineering programs" looks a bit vague to me, what program do you actually mean? Also, the last sentence isn't strong enough, and it doesn't give me a 'final' feeling. It's like your paragraph is still not finished yet. You may consider rephrase it.

Good luck with your application!

Ulaai

Feb 4, 2014

Undergraduate / My only task was to get good grades; UW Madison [6]

Avoid using contractions. I am, not I'm. Was not not wasn't.

Pay attention to capitalization. UW Madison should be capitalized, the same goes with I.

It is maybe not essential, but the admission officers will read it easier when your essay has correct punctuations.

Ulaai

Feb 4, 2014

Undergraduate / UCLA Supplement Essay #1: Extraordinary talent/skill. APYLP participant. [4]

APYLP required its ~~applications~~applicants to complete a rigorous application process

outside ofthe school

I devoted hours to prepare this application

enduring life as a model minority

consider revising. Not all people regard Asians as minority--at least, don't be that subjective.

~~people of Asian heritage~~Asian people

I attended all of the workshops, seminars, speeches, interactive activities, and personal discussions that the organization hosted, listening to an abundance of individuals that faced opposition in their daily lives because they were pursuing an ambition or goal that society regarded unfit for them.

This sentence is too long.
I attended all of the workshops, seminars, speeches, interactive activities, and personal discussions that the organization hosted. I listened to~~an abundance of~~many individuals~~that~~whofaced oppositionsin their daily lives because they were pursuing an ambition or goal that society regarded unfit for them.

I was never that ~~individual that~~person who stood out from the rest;

; there was actually never that individual merely because of society's structure.

um, consider revising.

It has become a generation of imitation

The subject is not very clear... what is "it"?

Because of APYLP, I have ~~never been more~~become determined

from what I see, you tend to repeat words like "individuals". Try synonyms or other appropriate wording.
Also, no offense, but you seem like you really emphasize this 'racism' thing. Like Asian stereotypes and such. You answer the prompt well until the third paragraph before the Asian thingy comes. I am Asian myself and I found this very... judgmental. You do not have to bash the society, the prompt didn't ask you to do that. Instead, you can try elaborating what did you do after the APYLP has ended. Give some actual proof. Such as, you are better on socializing or you've gotten better in learning at class because you joined the program. And maybe as addition you can explain your plans after you get enrolled into the university. Do you plan to join some clubs regarding Asian culture? and such.

Wish you good luck.