lcturn87
Sep 15, 2015
Graduate / Endeavoring to Make a Change - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR SAN DIEGO TRANSFER MSW STUDENT [8]
I can help you with some changes.
There were some missing words in the first paragraph:" I know this will be possible if I am granted..." In the last post, it seemed better separating a sentence in the paragraph. However, I think it is better to revise the sentence: "I believe this was so ground breaking for so many African Americans and minorities, because this word is so taboo and immensely used as an everyday name to address people positively or negatively."
2nd paragraph: You could use a hyphen when you use "well-versed".
3rd paragraph: When you mention the name of a doctor, you should describe him as having "an immense amount of knowledge ". The next sentence, place a comma after seminar and advisors.
4th paragraph: Delete the comma after "Although". In the first sentence, delete the words:atthecurrenttime . After you explain you mother's diagnoses, the next sentence should read: "When I heard this news, I worried about quitting school and moving closer to my mother because I love her dearly and would do anything for her. (I suggested joining these sentences because it is easier to revise and the reason for your choices is clear. You really love your mother!)
5th paragraph: In the first sentence, place a comma after time and add "I have family who reside in..."
6th paragraph: In the first sentence, add "an" before undergraduate.
I hope this helps!
I can help you with some changes.
There were some missing words in the first paragraph:" I know this will be possible if I am granted..." In the last post, it seemed better separating a sentence in the paragraph. However, I think it is better to revise the sentence: "I believe this was so ground breaking for so many African Americans and minorities, because this word is so taboo and immensely used as an everyday name to address people positively or negatively."
2nd paragraph: You could use a hyphen when you use "well-versed".
3rd paragraph: When you mention the name of a doctor, you should describe him as having "an immense amount of knowledge ". The next sentence, place a comma after seminar and advisors.
4th paragraph: Delete the comma after "Although". In the first sentence, delete the words:
5th paragraph: In the first sentence, place a comma after time and add "I have family who reside in..."
6th paragraph: In the first sentence, add "an" before undergraduate.
I hope this helps!