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Posts by Trias
Name: Trias Puspita Hayati
Joined: May 18, 2015
Last Post: Jun 9, 2015
Threads: 23
Posts: 27  
From: Indonesia
School: University of Indonesia

Displayed posts: 50 / page 1 of 2
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Trias   
Jun 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Living in A Media-Rich Society; media should contribute more for humanity in the future [2]

It is becoming more and more difficult to escape the influence of the media on our lives. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media-rich society.

In this day and age, it is almost impossible to withdraw from the effects of media in our daily activities. As a coin always has two sides, there are also several positive and negative effects of living in the exposure of media. Despite of the drawbacks, I am convinced that media benefits humanity.

The most prominent advantage of the media in our lives is it enables information to travel in a blink of an eye. As a result, people can keep up-to-date and take necessary actions afterwards. For instance, when a tsunami hit Aceh region in Indonesia during the last decade, the media provided breaking news concerning the victims and how the area was damaged. Subsequently, people around the globe collected donations as well as volunteered in order to help the recovery after the disaster. From this experience, the media enables mankind to ease sufferings in the world.

Another advantage is the media industry creates job opportunities due to the growing number of mass media companies. As a matter of fact, Manpower Department of Indonesia recently reports that there are more than 1 million people who work in this industry. Moreover, this particular industry ranks the third in terms of the number of employees among the others. Hence, a media-rich society offers significant employment chances.

However, the media tends to report violent and sensational crime stories with the aim of increasing their audience. It results in fear of crime among society. In fact, Indonesia's Censoring Institution points out in 2011 that 70% of news programs were related to criminal cases. Thus, people live in anxiety of being a criminal victim who will end up in one of the news feature.

All in all, it is evident that living in a media-rich society has more advantages than disadvantages. Where possible, media should contribute more for humanity in the future.
Trias   
Jun 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Celebrities get invited to international aid events. [3]

Hi @Jaggi7921, kindly find my feedback below:

Collecting money through big star studded charity showevents is always con sidered to be aneffictiveeffectivetechniquemethod to raise the awareness among society .

Pay attention to your spelling and sentence structure. Moreover, you are expected to paraphrase the topic in the first paragraph. Here is my suggestion:
Movie stars or musicians are occasionally involved in some charity events so as to draw public attention.

Try to type your essay using word processor first to prevent spelling and punctuation errors such as the following:

Taylor Swift,the immensly popluar sonstress from the USA

Suggestion:
Taylor Swift, the immensely popular songstress from the USA

Good luck!
Trias   
Jun 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / About gender roles in society - chances for a job among men and women; who have more opportunities? [3]

Hi @katty_nhung, kindly find my suggestion on your first paragraph below.

Feminism has changed virtually every aspects in our society. As a matter of fact, there is a growing trend of unemployment among males as well as vacant occupations which are commonly filled by females in certain areas in the world. This essay will attempt to elaborate the causes of women replacing men as breadwinners in family.

Good luck!
Trias   
Jun 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / Higher Education for Work and Perspectives - IELTS [2]

Many people say that the only way to guarantee getting a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work.

For a lot of people, a course completion in a university is the absolute path to ensure a significant occupation in spite of the high cost. However, other people think that starting to work directly after finishing school and obtaining work experience are much better. Nevertheless, some manual jobs are now done by machines. Therefore, I strongly believe that people should set their career goal first prior to making any decisions towards a higher education.

For many people, the only way to guarantee getting a good job is to complete a course of university education. It is based on the ultimate reason that a degree can open the door to better employment prospects. A 2010 revealed that university graduates earn approximately 60% higher salaries than high school diplomas in Asia region. The study also pointed out that all top management positions are occupied by those with a degree. Thus, university graduates have a bigger chance of more significant career.

Another perspective is that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work since there are plenty of opportunities in customer service sectors such as restaurants. According to Indonesia Manpower Department, 6 out of 7 positions are available for high school diplomas. Hence, school graduates can be employed in such industry.

Despite the aforementioned opportunity for high school diploma holders, repetitive manual jobs are now by machines so there is a chance of them being terminated by the employer. For example, the manufacturing company in which I worked at terminates their workers twice a year due to their automation process at the assembly line. Owing to this fact, employees who work directly after graduating school are at risk of losing their jobs.

In conclusion, those who go the extra miles by completing further education in university gain better employment opportunities. On the other hand, people who start to work after graduating high school could be terminated by the companies if their jobs are repetitive. Finally, I am convince that people should have a clear goals in regard to their career before deciding on a pursuing a higher education at university.
Trias   
Jun 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / Chinese New Year- describe one of the special custom of your country [4]

Hi, please find my feedback on your first paragraph below.

In the country I lived in, people would gather together to celebrate the passing of the Chinese nN ew yY ear, and there are plenty of interesting traditions to follow, which isare rather fun and, most important of all, thehave deep meaning behindof it.

Good luck!
Trias   
Jun 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / Good and bad impact of having a lot of TV channels [2]

Hi, please find my feedback on your first paragraph below.

With the wide advancement of information technology, media also have been developing similarly. Among these electronic media televisions have gained big improvement and as a result of that a lot of TV channels are launched frequently.

Hand in hand with the vast improvement of technology, television broadcasting industry is also being enhanced. As one of the results, a lot of new television channels emerge in the market.

Good luck!
Trias   
May 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / The greater number of the criminal cases which are perpetrated by young people below 18 year old [2]

Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extent do you agree with this opinion?

It is reported that criminal cases which are perpetrated by young people below 18 year old increases. This report goes hand in hand with the frequency of news in television showing crime cases by children. According to psychologists, this trend is mainly caused by the lack of social and emotional education received by children from their parents and teachers. For some reasons, I strongly disagree with this opinion.

To begin with, I extremely believe that parents and teachers make efforts to educate children but sometimes they still use conventional perspective. For example, parents set a regulation the make night curfew to prevent children from coming home late. In this and age, children already have a busy schedule such as attending school until afternoon, taking courses until late evening, not to mention the unfriendly traffic if they live in cities. Aside from these activities, children still need to socialize with their peers to have a memorable youth. Hence, parents and teachers should update their regulations concerning children's night curfew so they do not feel under pressure.

The next reason for violent crimes committed by youngsters is their social environment, it means friends. Children tend to go for particular actions when their friends support them or even involved as well. To look more closely into the aforementioned report, around 80% of these cases were done by a group of teenagers. Therefore, parents and teachers should take the surrounding environment of children into account.

In conclusion, I totally disagree that parents and teachers need to educate children more, both socially and emotionally. However, it is highly suggested that they update education perspectives and be considerate of children's environment.
Trias   
May 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Market Share of Mobile Phone between Nokia, Sony, Samsung, LG, BenQ and Motorola [2]

The table below shows the worldwide market share of the mobile phone market to manufacturers in the years 2005 and 2006.

The table gives information about consumer's proportion in different cellular phone brands worldwide from 2005 to 2006 in per cent. It is noticeable that Nokia successfully maintained its position as a market leader in the two years period, while some brands gained fewer consumers over time.

Moving to a more detailed analysis, three among other mobile phone brands managed to raise their market share. Nokia obtained the biggest portion of consumers two year in a row at around a third. Following this, Motorola and Sony also succeeded in strengthening their place in the market in 2006 at 21.1% and 7.4% sequentially.

On the contrary, all other mobile phone brands experienced a decrease in their market share. Samsung dropped from 12.7% in 2005 to 11.8% in the following year. The same trend also happened to L.G., BenQ Mobile and other brands which all had a weaker position in the market in 2006.



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Trias   
May 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Globalization will lead to culture identity loss, do you agree? [2]

Hi @IqbalThemi, please find my feedback on your introduction paragraph below.

It will be better if you could give further explanation how the dramatic increase is nowadays.
Mass media and transportation todays experience a dramatic increase. What this happens is a phenomenon leading people to live in globalization era.

For some individuals, this change is considered as awful tragedy which will breakdamage culture identity of people . Therefore, I would argue that although globalization era enables to lose some originallyoriginal culture to be lost , to respect to this forpeople should show their moral qualityreason is key factor to preserveby preserving the culture.

Good luck!
Trias   
May 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Material on the internet should be censored or controlled to protect the public. [4]

Hi @enzymhemmung, please find my feedback below.

- Pay attention to your punctuation marks (comma, full stop)
In my opinion material, on the internet should not be censored or controlled to protect the public.

- Overall, your grammar is already good and the idea in this essay can be understood easily as it is logical and flow nicely. However, you could enhance your writings in the future by using more advanced vocabularies and idioms.

Good luck!
Trias   
May 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / Enjoyable Job vs Good Salary - it's crutial that a work suit someone's passion [2]

Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable job than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

An occupation may serve different meanings and purposes to different people. Some people believe that an excessive salary is the sole reason to apply for a job, while others point out that their happiness at the workplace is far more important than that. Despite these two perspectives, I am convinced that anyone can spend longer time at his current job as long as he is passionate about it.

Basically, people need money to live. As a matter of fact, two of our most basic requirements to continue breathing are also need to be paid for. They are food and water. In this modern day, people do not grow their own food as their ancestors did in the past time anymore. Moreover, access for clean water is not becoming easier due to its limited sources. In the long run, people need a lot of money from their job in order to live comfortably.

On the contrary, other people think that money is not everything since an enjoyable job is more likely to give them a happier life. There was a study about the happiness level employees in Indonesia who have different levels of earnings in last January. It showed that their happiness only linked weakly with how much their income was. The biggest factor was how the great atmosphere in their workplace instead of the amount of money they own.

While for me, the utmost important factor in a job is whether it suits someone's passion or it is not. The main reason is it can grow that person's motivation and thus, generate a much better performance at work.
Trias   
May 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / Sport facility areas do not have much influences in public health. [2]

Hi, please find my feedback below

However, It just have less effect onit only has little effect in public health. This is because there are, unlike many other factors that affect people health like foods, air quality, and lifestyle.

Statistics reveals that there areis no significant differences between people who live in place that has many public sports areas and people those who live place that haswhose living placedo not have not any.

It shows the establishment of public sport facilities do not have much effect on people health.
It shows a redundant idea in your paragraph. Thus, it would be better to eliminate this sentence.

Good luck!
Trias   
May 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / Attractive and less popular destinations for people visiting different parts of the world [2]

The graph below gives information about international tourist arrivals in different parts of the world.

The line graph illustrates the number of international tourist in several parts of the world in the period of 1990 to 2005. The most significant facts to emerge are the number of tourist who arrived in North America and Central and Eastern Europe were far higher than the other parts in the world at the end of the period.

Moving to a more detailed analysis, the level of tourist in North America had always been the highest among the whole regions over the timeframe. It stood at slightly above 70 millions in 1990, reached a high of above 90 millions 10 years later, and it slightly dropped to under 90 millions in 2005. On the other hand, Central and Eastern Europe experienced a sudden jump in the whole 15 years period as it finally reached almost 90 millions.

Next, South America and Sub-Saharan Africa became the least attractive destination despite of their gradual rise in the level of tourist arrivals. However, there was a continuous growth in South-East Asia, which was followed by a large increase in 2005 at approximately 50 millions.



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Trias   
May 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / The status of Japanese citizens in total - population statistic [2]

The chart and table below give information about population figures in Japan.

The bar graph and the table give information about the status of Japanese citizens in total and those who are over 65 years old respectively during the period 1950 to 2010, the current year and the prediction for 2035 until 2055. It is noticeable that the number of people over in Japan as well as those who are above the age of 65 will reach its highest in 2035, while 2055 will see people this group of age dominating the population proportion.

Moving to a more detailed analysis, Japan will have 37.2 millions of people over 65 years old in the country in 2035, when it will be the highest over the timeframe. There will be a slight decrease in the number of these people in 2055 at 36.5 millions.

On the other hand, the number of total population in Japan gradually rose from 1950 until it peaked at 127.8 millions in 2005. Afterwards, the fall in 2010 and 2015 will be followed by a dramatic fall during the next couple of decades. The proportion of people beyond their 65s will continue to grow until 2055 at above two-fifths of Japan's total population.



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Trias   
May 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / U.S. MAILING SERVICES HISTORIC COMPARISON [2]

Hi, @aseprudi.

Bear in mind that the standard writing in IELTS uses a comma for thousands and a full stop for decimals.
For example: 15,000 millions (fifteen thousand); 2,000 persons (two thousand); 9.75% (nine point seventy-five percent).

Also pay attention to the subject-verb agreement in your sentences, as following:
It means the TNT witnessed higher than FedEx.
There should be a noun after the word higher.

Good luck!
Trias   
May 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / The World's Population Rise is The Greatest Humanity Problem [NEW]

The continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time.
What are causes of this continued rise?
Do you agree that this is the greatest problem faced by humanity?


In this day and age, it is a common belief that the growing population of humans is a major problem. Thus, humans face the consequences such as economy disparity between rich and poor countries, starvation, or homelessness. I extremely believe that this continuous rising is also caused by humans, although I strongly oppose the opinion that says it is the biggest problem in humanity.

Beyond any reasons scientists may come up with regarding to world's population growth, early marriage and the lack of family planning are the main suspects. The 'baby boom' or a dramatic increase of mothers giving birth had been occurring since the Industrial Revolution until the present time. According to sociologists, it is mainly caused by the marriage of a couple in relatively young ages. They are too young to even take account on how many children would be the best and when was the perfect timing. As a result, they do not make any attempt to make such plans in the long run.

Even though the world's growing population is pointed out by people as a humanity problem, people should take a closer look at this matter. It is quality instead quantity of people living in this world that can create problems. Take global warming as an example. Bear in mind that that environmentalists had calculated the current world climate would last at least until another millennium. Alas, humans' quality which in this case is their behaviour, turns out to play the ultimate role in speeding it up. Humans therefore need to be prepared for another ice age sooner.

All in all, it is undeniable that the world's growing population cannot be solved as easy turning a man's palm around, but there is a bigger problem faced by humanity. So, I suggest that humans act more wisely towards the environment.
Trias   
May 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / The Village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2010 [2]

The maps below show the village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2010.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.


The maps give information about Stokeford village housing and facilities directory changes in 80 years from 1930. The most intriguing facts to emerge were the disappearance of farmlands and the replacement of large house with retirement home.

Moving to a more detailed explanation, in 1930 and 2010, there was a street which divided Strokeford village into west and east sides. This road remained connecting the village to its northern border with a bridge by the river. There was a farmland on the west side in 1930, and then it was replaced by a housing complex in the next period. However, the post office remained at the same position. Moreover, the shops were reconstructed to provide more houses as well.

Next, the farmland at the top of the east also changed its function to housing facility. Other things that changed in this part at the village are the additional buildings at primary high school, a few more houses and the transformation of large house into retirement home.



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Trias   
May 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Problems Associated with The Use of Mobile Phones [2]

There are social, medical, and technical problems associated with the use of mobile phones. What forms do they take? Do you agree that the problems outweigh the benefits of the mobile phone?

The utilization of mobile phones by people also carries several problems. It has been taken into account for social, medical and technical issues based by the users. By considering some examples below, I still strongly believe that these problems that these problems do not defeat the benefits in the long run.

For some people, mobile phone use reduces humans' face-to-face social life quality. Imagine if someone hangs out with his friends for an hour, and he spends half hour with his stuck on his smartphone screen instead of having conversations with his peers. People only realize health problem as WHO (World Health Organisation) warned people about radiation produced by mobile phone, which turned out to have the highest level among all other electronics devices. Radiation may cause major health problems, especially cancer. Finally, users sometimes upset when some technical problems such as network errors or screen failure not maintained well by manufacturers.

However, mobile phones technologies are undoubtedly have been facilitating many aspects in our lives. Despite the aforementioned problems, this particular device also helps us, ironically also in the same fields. Mobile social media applications definitely help people to communicate with each other, finding new friends as well reunite them with old friends. Developers also create useful and practical features to help them becoming more aware of their health conditions like heart rate, body mass index and how many steps have they take in a day. Lastly, mobile phone producers are being more consumer-friendly nowadays to maintain their brand image.

All in all, people should bear in mind to not only point out the drawbacks of mobile phones, but also consider how to overcome them. I am convinced that the benefits of mobile phones have higher values than the disadvantages.
Trias   
May 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Responsibility for helping poorer nations should also cover education of their society [2]

Hi @faarasyad, here's my feedback:

It will be better to put your main idea in the first sentence of it so your reader can grasp the point shortly. Here's my suggestion on your opening sentence in second paragraph:

To begin with, wealthy countries do have a social obligation as a good world citizen to help fellow countries who are in need. In fact, should not only give aid to the poort countries but also educate them to be more developed.

On the other hand, supportall means of supports from developed countries can beyield negative influence into weak countries due this encouragesas it may stimulate the poor ones addictivecountries' dependency .

Good luck!
Trias   
May 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / People Who Refuse to Pay Tax to The State [2]

People believe that they should be able to keep all the money they earn and should not pay tax to the state. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In general, people tend to be extremely critical when it comes to their financial. Some of them come up with the idea of not paying tax to the government so they can keep all their income. I narrow bunch of reasons to down two to explain why I come to disagree with this opinion.

My first reason is development of facility and infrastructure in the country. Bear in mind how government carries out highways, bicycle tracks, city parks or streets that we use every day. The fund which used to build them came from the tax paid by people from their income. In fact, the government in Indonesia gives opportunity of its people to come up with any idea of what facility they need and will eventually take it into account in the next development plan. By using this method, government can aim for a more efficiency and enhance its credibility to people.

The following reason to support in paying tax to the country is public service sector, especially health. It turns out that the tax also pays for under prosperity citizens' medication. For example, poor people in Indonesia are registered in a health program in which they can go to a hospital or other public health facilities for free whenever they get sick. It will be horrifying if the government does not make the most of the tax paid by people, or worse, if people do not pay it anymore. Health rate in Indonesia could fall dramatically in the long run.

As mentioned above, I strongly disagree if people refuse to pay tax to the country only for their greedy reasons. They should take their time and bear in mind that the particular portion of their earnings will benefit others in the long run. People can brag about loving to the country, but action speaks louder than words. They should not let their greediness take its toll on the country's development or the poor's need for medication.
Trias   
May 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Does modern lifestyle make parents abandon their children? [2]

When I was child, both my parents were working, and I was left to babysitter. Yet since we lived in countryside, my parents worked in town which was not too far from our house. Eventually they did not come home late unlike those who live in big city. So, I could still play and study with my parents.

If you attempt to give an example of how children in countryside, whose both parents are working, could still enjoy their togetherness, you should give the bigger picture in the paragraph to begin with. Thus, it would not randomize your flow which is already good.

Good luck!
Trias   
May 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Using Technology to Monitor People what they do [2]

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

In the present era when the technology is developing rapidly, there are many methods can be used to watch over anything done by people. For instance, cellular phone tracking and security cameras, and mostly people do not acknowledge of being watched over. I am convinced that such technology development and implementation, as a coin, also carries two sides with them.

Firstly, the spying activities are common for police or other state intelligence organisations. But of course it is their duty to get secret information to protect a country and its citizen. For example, the whole world wanted to find Bin Ladden and brought him to justice as he was proved to be responsible for terrorism a decade ago. All means of technology was used in order to trace his whereabouts. After some time, after endless CCTVs surveillance and with the benefit of other devices, the most wanted man in the world was captured and the world felt secure.

However, some people tend to oppose this monitoring over their activities. They feel that their precious privacy are disturbed and object with the thoughts of, say, their activities on the internet are captured or interfered by a particular party. People feel uncomfortable when they are under the assumptions that someone is peeking at their routines.

I certainly get the point of people who want to keep their privacy a sacred zone. However, I am even far more concerned about all of our safety. From my perspective, it is rationally acceptable to get a scratch on your skin in order to save a life.
Trias   
May 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Sales proportion for four different retail products in New Zealand [2]

The pie charts below shows the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

The pie charts give information about the sales proportion for 4 retail products in New Zealand which purchased online during the period 2003 and 2013. All figures in this chart are in per cent. It is noticeable that film/music and books sales were increased in 2013, on the contrary, travel and clothes decreased in the same period.

Moving to sectors with rising sales, 2013 saw an increase in films/music products sales at a third. While the sales proportion of books also became slightly larger in 2013 that it had 10 years ago with 3 per cent gap.

On the other hand, in 2013 two of the four retail sectors experienced a decline in their online sales. Books products came out to be sold the least among the others at approximately a-fifth. The position of the lowest products sold online replaced by clothes at 16 per cent in 2013, which sales also declined from 2003. In fact, clothes have the largest decline of these two sectors.



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Trias   
May 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Is it fair to use animal for human well-being? [2]

Based on some people's opinion it is what animals are created forSome people hold the opinion that it is what they are created for , whereas others say that it is unfair to treat animals like so . These two views will be discussed in this essay.

You should give a brief explanation about your position between the two perspectives so the examiner know what to expect in your body paragraphs shortly.

Good luck!
Trias   
May 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Task 1: The bar chart compares the number of film rentals and sales [2]

It stood at solely 500,000 copies in 2002 .

Then, after peaking at roughly 215,000 copies in 2007, the figure of DVD sales fell by 35,000 in 2011.
Here's my recommendation to vary your sentence:
Then, after peaking at roughly 215,000 copies in 2007, the figure of DVD sales fell by 35,000 in the next four years. .

In terms of rentals and VHS sales, both witnessed a dramatic decrease over the timeframe .

Your second paragraph is less focused compared with the third one. Perhaps you can review your focus idea for both paragraph to create a more balanced essay.

Good luck!
Trias   
May 24, 2015
Research Papers / Whats eating our children? Research paper. [2]

Hi, please find my suggestions below.

It can be hard to cook a well-balanced meal every night and only offer healthy snacks in your home.
It will be better if you can give a reason how can it be hard, provide example and how it will affect the children.
Also add a sentence that leads to the following paragraphs: obesity, how it affects children's health, what measures to take to prevent this condition, and what's your conclusion.

Good luck!
Trias   
May 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / People in Five Different Occupations Sleeping Patterns according to a Canadian study [2]

The chart below shows the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations according to a Canadian study.

The chart gives information about a Canadian study in the daily sleeping hours of people whose jobs are doctors, business executives, full-time mothers, truck drivers and students. The most significant facts to emerge are students and full-time mothers have the longest time to sleep, while others have less sleeping time.

Moving to a more detailed analysis, students spend more time to sleep compared to people with other occupations at 8 hours from 11-12 pm to 6-7 am. Despite the equal sleeping duration in a day, mothers have a slightly different pattern when they go to bed at 10-11 pm and wake up at 5-6 am. However, they usually awake for two hours between their sleeping times at night, and then have a nap at noon from 1-2 pm until 3-4 pm.

On the other hand, business executives and truck drivers have 6 hours of sleep in a day with varied pattern. Albeit their sleeping time starts at around the same time as students, business executives wake up earlier at 4-5 am. That said, they have an hour more time to sleep than doctors.



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Trias   
May 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / A Higher Tax on Fast Food and what would be the impact on people's health [2]

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for government to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people believe that government should take the measure of increasing the tax on fast food due to a rise in people who have health issues. Indeed, these health problems, such as obesity and high blood pressure, are caused by eating too much fast food. From my perspective, raising the tax on fast food is not particularly effective for the following reasons, and there is another solution for this matter.

Firstly, the tax for fast food is paid by the customers. Therefore, they will have to pay more if the government eventually imposes a higher tax. For example people in Indonesia originally have to pay IDR 30,000 after tax for a hamburger in McDonald's which one the biggest fast food chains in the world. If the government raises the tax, then the final price would become, say, IDR 35,000. Based on a survey reported on television 10 days ago, Indonesians eat hamburgers in McDonald's 20 times a week in average. So, the raise in tax will definitely result in them spending more money on hamburgers. Thus, they shall twice before getting one from a McDonald's outlet.

Next, there will be a predictably fall in fast food's profit, hand in hand with less people eat out at the outlets. It will not just affect business owners, but also other related business supporters, such as food material suppliers and distributors, and most importantly their employees. When a ship is sinking, the sailors have to jump out from it. However, the ultimate question is where are they supposed to go to? If a fast food falls, it would have negative impacts on the employees, like being terminated, or reduce of their salary package.

In conclusion, based on the reasons mentioned above, I am convinced that if governments impose a higher tax on fast food, it is more likely that they will face other problems in the future. It is imperative that they educate people about a much healthier diet and how excessive fast food consumption will affect their health condition.
Trias   
May 23, 2015
Essays / "Desribe the room you are in" - IGCSE FIRST LANGUAGE- DESCRIPTIVE ESSAY [3]

It has been a decade since I have had seen the sun. The tomb I am in mocks me down to an apology of a man. Where am I, you may ask?

You should keep the readers guessing by not stating where you are yet. Here's my suggestion:
I am at a shared room, along with four other people ready to face the bitter sweet endings to our lives. It is neither huge nor small; it seems perfect for five people ready to die.

Her dress is pretty, heher hair is short and her smile hauntingshe is wearing a smile you can not shake out of your head so easily .

Also pay attention to your punctuation marks, there are still some minor errors in your writing.
Trias   
May 23, 2015
Graduate / Master of Science, Petroleum Engineering Essay Admision: Oil & Gas, my hobby and my job. [2]

Hi Josue,

1. Your essay should be narrowed from a common idea down to a specific one. Then supported by main ideas in each body paragraphs, which are explained about various means of support in each paragraph (reasons, examples, detail data, and effect). Followed by a concluding paragraph.

2. I strongly agree with you, your essay opening really should be strong and capture the reader's interest. Here's my suggestion:
Describe how is the sensation of eating a Chicken & Bacon with mustard Subway sandwich for you. How mouthwatering this food has always been to you. Then compare it with your passion for investigation and practical research, considering your main ideas in the body paragraphs relate to your practice in university and at work.

3. You can 'sell' your working experience by mentioning what qualities were needed to be accepted there, your achievement and at work, or how others treat you there. If you are uncertain whether your essay examiner familiar with petroleum terms and calculation or not, you should explain more about what your job assignments are, what are the calculations for.

Good luck!
Trias   
May 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Information about the primary export commodities of Southland in 2000, 2015 and predictions for 2025 [2]

The chart below gives information about Southland's main exports in 2000, 2015, and future projections for 2025.

The bar chart gives information about the primary export commodities of Southland in 2000, 2015 and it makes prediction for 2025 in £billion. It is noticeable that the three commodities dominate the exports during the three different years.

Moving to a more detailed analysis, meat products reached its highest level at almost 10 in 2000, and then there will be a slight decrease until 2025. This type of commodity is predicted to reach the lowest at 5. On the other hand, 2015 is dominated by dairy products export at around the same level as international tourism exports 15 years ago. As for the prediction in 2025, international tourism will be the highest of all other commodities.

Turning to the lowest commodity in the three periods, dairy products was the lowest commodity to be exported from 2000 to 2015, and will remain in this position in 2025. While the lowest exports in the next 10 years will be meat products with almost half of the international tourism commodity.



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Trias   
May 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / The percentage of number of children in Australia, whose mothers were between 40 and 44 years old [2]

The table below presents the number of children ever born to women aged 40-44 years in Australia for each year the information was collected since 1981.

The table gives information about the percentage of the number of children in Australia, whose mother was between 40 and 44 years old during the period 1981 to 2006. It is noticeable that from 1981 to 2006, most of these women gave birth to two children.

Moving to a more detailed analysis, the highest rate of woman giving birth to a couple of children was in 2006 at 38.3%, with only 0.1% gap with the second highest during 2006 when the rate was 38.2%. However, 1981 saw the lowest rate of children who was born by woman aged 40-44 with the rate at above a quarter.

Meanwhile, the least number of children ever born by these particular women varies over the timeframe. 2006 experienced a plunge to a low of just above one tenth in the rate of four or more children born by these women. While from 1981 to 1996, the lowest rate was in woman who gave birth to one child at below 10%.



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Trias   
May 22, 2015
Letters / Persuasive letter (a candidate for a prize of a trip) [3]

Hi, I strongly suggest you to turn on the grammatical corrections and pay attention to your punctuation marks since this is a short letter, there is a bigger chance for the reader to find even the smallest error. Good luck!
Trias   
May 22, 2015
Scholarship / Valedictorian Essay (Grade 9) (Strongest Candidate) [2]

To make the readers grasp your idea more easily, it is better to introduce your idea at the beginning of each paragraph. Then, use all means to support the idea, such as reason, example, detail data and/or effect of the it.

They're scared of "what can be" and missed out on "what could have been".
do not use abbreviation unless it is for a specific term, about which you still need to give a brief explain

A Valedictorian is someone we can all look up to, someone we can all relate to, someone we can wish to be. I truthfully believe with the qualities I bear, I am strongest candidate to serves as Valedictorian for the Grade 9 of 2014-2015.

you should make each quality of a Valedictorian as the main ideas in your ody paragraphs along with necessary means support
Trias   
May 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / Rich countries should give the poorer other types of help instead of a money. How do you see that? [7]

Hi, I would like to share the basic structure in writing an IELTS essay for writing task 2 from my lecturer:
- Introduction paragraph: restate general topic and thesis statement
- Body paragraph(s): controlling idea, means of support (example, detail data, reason, effect), concluding sentence (optional for multiple idea in one par.)
- Concluding paragraph: summarize, restate thesis statement

Pay attention more to your collocation, use of words and punctuations, some examples as below:
In developing countries, the lack of transparency and an ineffective management system has enabled prevalent corruption in government body.
Another problem with giving out money is that in most cases recipient countries do not have necessary resources such as manpower, technology, infrastructure or management system in place to make the best use of financial aid.

In conclusion, monetary support alone could not eliminate poverty/.
Trias   
May 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 Scoring: People Living in Debts to Buy Unimportant Things [3]

What are the reasons?

Nowadays, it is easier for people to lend a specific amount of money to purchase products that are not really important. Indeed, they make efforts to buy things even though their own money is insufficient. I strongly believe that people have a specific reason to behave this way, though there are some solutions for this matter.

The utmost motivation which encourages people to purchase things using some borrowed money is definitely pride. In this era, people have the tendency to make buy things with the money they do not really own to impress people whom they are not even close with. For example, a female employee who works in a particular company buys a Gucci bag using her credit card prior to attending her high school reunion. She desperately wants to create an image that she is a successful career woman, especially in front of her rivals during high school period. At the end of day, this behaviour continues every year, so predictably her credit card bill became higher on the following years.

From my point of view, people should manage their financial more properly. This can be done by set priorities in spending their cash, be more selective in buying products (not only by its brand, but also its value) and do shopping at the right time, for example during the sale season. As for using credit cards, they should not jump into a river without observing the rocks and the wild streams in it first. It is best for everyone to know the terms and conditions of a credit card before applying for one.

All in all, it is true people have a reason to purchase things with money they do not own. But I extremely believe that this consumption pattern can be solved by being wiser, as well as manage their financial better.
Trias   
May 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / Ghoulish House Description [4]

In addition to prior comments, I would like to remind about a few typos and punctuations here:
Shattered glass lies around me ,
Wind howls around he body,


And the last sentence somehow failed to reach a climax in the description as you mentioned supernatural, which existence had not been build earlier. Prior descriptions all refer to an abandoned house that seemed ghoulish, not a haunted

You have a great ability to build the spooky atmosphere though.
Good luck!
Trias   
May 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / Short essay - Is it better to stay on the safe side? [3]

Hi, first of all I really enjoy how you can manage to construct such flow and make the readers understand each sentence effortlessly. However, it will really improve your essay if you could provide some more specific examples in the body paragraph how people had choosen to take risk then regret it.

Good luck!
Trias   
May 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / The levels of movie rentals and sales in VHS, DVD and Blu-ray formats [2]

The chart below shows the annual number of rentals and sales (in various formats) of films from a particular store between 2002 and 2011.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The bar chart gives information about the levels of movie rentals and sales (in VHS, DVD and Blu-ray formats) in one specific store during the period 2002-2011. The most significant facts to emerge are movie rentals and VHS sales slowly fell, while the number of movies which sold in DVD and Blu-ray formats were bouncing and continuously rose respectively over the timeframe.

Moving to a more detailed analysis, the rentals of films stood at above 180,000 in 2002, after that, there was a gradual decrease in the number of film rentals until it reached a low of around 55,000 in 2011. Likewise, movies sales in VHS format slightly declined from 2002 to 2006 when it finally plunged to the big zero in 2006. The level of sales in this particular format remained constant until it the end of period.

On the other hand, movies which sold in DVD and Blu-ray formats had different trend in same whole period. 2002 to 2004 witnessed a sudden jump, followed by a small grow from 2005 until it peaked at above 210,000 in 2007. Subsequently, there was a slight fall until 2011. Lastly, Blu-ray format just began to be sold in 2007, and then it gradually grew until 2011.



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Trias   
May 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 Simulation: Parents Spend Little Time with Children Nowadays [2]

Parents spend less of their time with their children in this modern era, compared to the past time. Some people thinks that it makes the children suffer. Do you agree or disagree?

In this day and age, children get smaller portion of their parents' time to be spent together, compared with their grandparents whose time had been used in a bigger portion to be with their children. It leads people to assume that children have less happy childhood than their parents did. On the contrary, I strongly believe that eventually it will benefit the children for the following reasons.

Firstly, children in the present days are accustomed to have a limited time to be together with their parents since the day they were born. A recent study showed that more than three-quarters of total mothers in 10 big cities in Indonesia are working as an employee. All women employees in Indonesia only have three months of maternity leave. After spending their leave permit to be with their children 24/7, the mothers get back to work, leaving their children with babysitters or in a daycare facility. Hence, children had started to learn and do many things without their parents from their early ages. As a result, they grow to be an independent person.

Another thing to consider is although parents are not physically spending time with their children, the technology in this modern era can support them to communicate each other with no time or space boundaries. Having enabled to constantly get in touch and monitor their children's activities (such as chat messengers, voice message, video calls, or even trace their children's position), children grow more consciousness to take responsibility of their actions.

In conclusion, although parents spend only a little time with their children, it virtually does not make the children suffer. In fact, they can grow up to be independent and responsible persons as they get used to do things on their own, while still communicate with their parents who constantly watch over them. However, from my of thinking, despite the support system in parenting get more advanced at the present time than it was in the past, all parents must have their own way in raising their children.

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