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Posts by hasbi
Name: Muhammad Hasbi
Joined: Jun 29, 2015
Last Post: Oct 6, 2016
Threads: 29
Posts: 42  
Likes: 23
From: Indonesia
School: English Studio, Kampung Inggris Pare

Displayed posts: 71 / page 1 of 2
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hasbi   
Oct 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / In the modern era, English has a momentous role to hone communication ability of pupils [4]

Hi.,.Nousha
your IELTS writing is great, you have presented and organized the ideas appropriately. however, here some advice for you in order to improve your writing in the future. practice make perfect!

in the introduction, you have restated the prompt with your own words. But, the word "English" in your introduction make a sense in your writing. let's look the question: "All children should study a foreign language , starting in the earliest grades" remember that foreign language is not only English. so. if you restate/paraphrase it using English is totally inappropriate. it would be better f you paraphrase it with changing the sentence form without change the meaning.

turning to first body paragraph, i can follow what do you mean and what do you want to say. However, where is the topic sentence or the main idea of your paragraph?. there are several views/opinions that unclearly state, such as "Most experts assess the capability of language in line with creativity". reread how to fully developed example.

make sure how to use an article. in your essay "power of right brain" it should be "power of the right brain".

there are two kinds of articles (THE, AN/A). They use to refer to specific or particular nouns
a/an is used to change or modify non-specific or non-particular nouns.

the = definite article

a/an = indefinite article

For example, if I say, "Let's watch the video," I mean a specific video.
If I say, "Let's watch a video," I mean any book rather than a specific video

if we look the third paragraph, you have a well-structure paragraph. using complex sentence and sequence in each sentence in order to organize your ideas. Unfortunately, it needs an explanation/supporting ideas in each idea to make it clear. in this paragraph, there is lack an example to support your explanation. in order to get an explanation of your writing, just keep asking yourself. for instance "the mastery of the English will generate students easier to interact with the others in the world to exchange and share ideas" . for an explanation, ask yourself how to master in english can make students easier to interact with others.

good luck
hasbi   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Quantum Teleportation over 7 kilometres of cables smashes record. [2]

Hi, daman, i have read your summary, overall, you have stated your idea related to the topic of the passage. but, here some advice for you in order to improve your writing in the future,.,

THE World record for quantum teleportation have HAS broken by Two team TEAMS which can send ...
... teleportation need to exchange quantum cryptopic CRYPTO PIC keys for ...
Quantum transportation is partical's PARTICLE'S travelling to (...) distance without phsycal PHYSICAL travelling between them. We need three participants with one way ONE-WAYteleportation: Alice, ...

... It is not Possible to tell whic WHICH particle was sent ...
... Measurement result in THE quantum state of particle A is tranferred TRANSFERRED to particle C, whic WHICH is with Bob.
... and become shortest THE SHORTEST one now with transmitting ...

*make sure when you using singular/plural verbs
*how to using comparative form and superlative form " like THE SHORTEST_--> ALL OF SUPERLATIVE FOR SHOULD BE ADDED "THE"

*and also TYPO,. i found there are many wrong types of word,.,
hasbi   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Unfortunately the speed in electric cars is slower than on gas-powered vehicles. [2]

Hi, Dioba, i have read your summary, overall, it is great. but, here some advice for you in order to improve your writing in the future,.,

BECOME COMMON PHENOMENON IN OUR SOCIETY/HAVE BECOME COMMON PHENOMENON IN OUR SOCIETY . Because OF prices of oil rises and exhaust fumes causesCAUSES violent life, electrical cars ...

UNFORTUNATELY , Although the electrical cars give more advantages, unfortunately the speed is slower ...
..., almost cars in there isARE gas powered vehicles.
Futhermore FURTHERMORE, the government of China giveGIVES some incentive not only for car manufacturers, (WITHOUT COMMA IF YOU USE FORM "NOT ONLY----BUT ALSO)but also for buyers electrialELECTRIC cars.

... American manufacturers makesMAKE the electrical cars looks ...

please make sure using singular and plural noun, there are several a reverse/ inappropriate ways when you use them in your summary

good luck
hasbi   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The oldest form of circus has existed in Roman Empire around sixth century [2]

Hi,., yonathan,.,

your summarization is great, however, here some advice for you in order to improve your writing in the future. practice make perfect!

The oldest form of circus has been existed (PASSIVE VOICE) in Roman Empire around sixth century
if you use PASSIVE VOICE, you should make sure the meaning. maybe you can rewrite this sentence in a active form in order to make it clear related to its meaning.

The oldest form of circus has existed in Roman Empire around sixth century

there are two kinds of articles (THE, AN/A). They use to refer to specific or particular nouns
a/an is used to change or modify non-specific or non-particular nouns.

the = definite article

a/an = indefinite article


For example, if I say, "Let's watch the video ," I mean a specific video.
If I say, "Let's watch a video ," I mean any book rather than a specific video

so,in your writing The oldest form of circus should be THE CIRCUS

sixthTHE SIXTH

America during the early DURING EARLY
.....gladiator THE GLADIATOR

what is more?
preposition matter, some words have their own preposition. you should match them each other appropriately
in your writing for instance: "riding in the horseback" It appears that in is not the right preposition to use in this context

"riding on the horseback"
hasbi   
Aug 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Customer Satisfaction levels in the US with Airlines in 1999, 2000, and 2007 [2]

Hi. Hikmatyar
Overall, your writing is great, you have state and explain the data appropriately. However, here some advice. hopefully, these advice can improve your writing.

.,............ in 1999, 2000, AND 2007. In general, the percentage of THE (REREAD THE LESSON ABOUT HOW TO USE ARTICLE ("A" OR "THE") satisfied customer is WAS higher than the dissatisfiedTHEY WERE FELT. IN ANY CASE , Courtesy of flight attendants becomeBECAME OR SHOWED the highest (THE HIGHEST WHAT?, YOU SHOULD MAKE IT CLEAR )if compared with the other aspectOTHER ASPECTS.

In 1999, THE customer who satisfied with ...
The percentage of satisfied was increased by 4 percent in 2000. number of dissatisfied was fell to 29 percent INTERESTINGLY, WHILE THE PROPORTION OF PEOPLE FELT SATISFIED INCREASED DRAMATICALLY IN THE FOLLOWING YEAR, IT REPRESENTED A REVERSE In contrast, the . At last, satisfied percentage was reached peekPEAK at 72 percent and dissatisfied's percentage hit bottom at 24 percent.FELL SHARPLY TO 24 PERCENT

There wasWERE many aspects of (...) or gate agents, THE price of tickets, ...
Courtesy of flight attendants(YOU CAN SAY THAT "THE FORMER ONE">> REFERS TO "Courtesy of flight attendants", BECAUSE YOU HAVE MENTIONED IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE FOR AVOIDING REPETITION) always increasing (...) the percentage is WAS higher than others.

... check-in or gate agents that reachREACHED AT 87 percent in 1999, 89 percent in ...
The percentage of THE price of tickets was increased ... There was AN interesting FACT because OF no data about comfor CONFORT of seats in 1999 and 2000.IT IS INTERESTING TO NOTE THAT THERE WAS NO DATA SHOWED FROM 1999 TO 2000.

### REMEMBER, IF YOU UPLOAD WRITING TASK 1, PLEASE ATTACH THE PHOTOGRAPH THAT YOU EXPLAIN.
hasbi   
Aug 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / Short introduction and conclusion of Level of education of Bulgarians planning to leave Bulgaria [2]

Hiii ziad,.,

welcome to essay forum, hopefully it can help you to improve your writing skill.

Here some advice for you based on you intro and overview of Ielts task 1
the chart reported the percentage of movement of bulgarian to ...
The bar chart shows the proportion of Bulgarians who have a plan to stay abroad according to their educational level in 2002, 2006, 2008

pay attention about tenses. if you want to write introduction, using present tense,while the chart show data from previous year.

Clearly, according to the THREE various aspectS of education (higher, secondary, primary and lower), most of people ...

Overall, although the number of Bulagrians who going overseas was dominated by them with secondary education, it depicted a downward trend through the period.
hasbi   
Nov 29, 2015
Undergraduate / Motivation letter for bsc Economics. Can someone check it if its good or not? [4]

Hi, gzsofi...

i would try to give you some advice in order to make Motivation Letter..

The first thing that must be considered in making a motivation letter is the format. Each campus may have different formats. Nevertheless, there are many universities and colleges that free format. Well, in many cases, although free, do not underestimate format yes and you should use the official format from Your University. Motivation letter will be sent and read selectors, so the formal format that may indicate that you already know how to write a formal letter either. In the motivation letter, there are some points you need to fill mandatory. Actually there are guns that say mandatory as well, but these are points to consider university admission officers abroad and can give more value to qualify. Some points that you should fill in a motivation letter, among others:

In the motivation letter, there are some points you need to fill mandatory. Actually, no one said mandatory as well, but these are points to consider university admission officers abroad and can give more value to qualify. Some points that you should fill in a motivation letter, among others:

The reason why chooses courses at the York University. What on earth made you interested in the study of fields and what benefits you can get if studying in the study program for yourself and for the people? These questions must be answered in the motivation letter. Activities and organization of whatever you follow during the previous lecture. If you ever become a speaker in a scientific seminar or participate in various organizations, it does not include them in the motivation letter. But it does not need to be written all. just write the most prestigious. If you have worked or you have job experience, you can tell your work experience in the motivation letter and how you can have a role to what one group or the general public related to economics.

Finally, why you are a viable candidate accepted as a student in this study program? This is the most important part in the motivation letter and also the most difficult part in writing the motivation letter. What qualifications do you have to learn well there (this point is explained partly educational background and activities / organizations that once you follow related to subject that you choose). you need to add is your personality that will support you when studying in the field of the study (economics).

good luck
hasbi   
Nov 28, 2015
Scholarship / Motivational Letter for Masters Scholarship in Sustainable Transportation & electrical Power Systems [3]

Hi..Eniola...

Here a few advice to help you get your scholarship.

first steps you should explain that you want the scholarship, why do you interest to Erasmus scholarship. you can explain detailing of your achievements and your better qualities. you come across as Electrical & Electronics Engineer and come across as if you are written by somebody else. and please don't go so far as begging for the scholarship, but at least highlight your intense desire for it. in other words not off topic. And then explain your future plans, please making the decision would like to know that you are invested in your studies, and one way to show you are invested is to have future plans.whit whom you want to take the course or your peers and that you have to talk about your future and your goals and how you struggle to achieve them.

secondly, you should explain how you have worked so far. it is definitely you show that you have been working hard and explain that you have worked hard over the last few years and that your dedication related to in Sustainable Transportation & electrical Power. Never forget to note that why should you get the scholarship over other people without pull down other people or even judge them. Do mention that you know others deserve the scholarship too, but make it clear that you have a solid resolve and show that you have planned for your future and that this qualification is needed/ necessary for you.

finally, before you submit/applying to erasmus mundus scholarship, you should check your work a few times when you finish. check detail for errors and please go back to it a few hours later and check it again, like typos or mistakes that are going to make you look silly. subject verb agreement like missing the "s" from the end of a word may make you appear as if you do not know any better (singular and plural noun). it si important part in each essay/ motivation letter

good luck.
hasbi   
Nov 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Parents and Young Children Profession [2]

In your opinion, should young people choose their profession, or should their parents choose for them
Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience


The teenager should be certain their work subject themselves and it unnecessary chosen by their parents. This essay agrees with the former idea than the latter one. Firstly, this essay will discuss the benefits of young people who choose their occupation and secondly, how the influence if parents choose this for them.

Young people should be chosen their work themselves, it is more effective than this is choose by their parents. This is because it can make teenagers are focused on their job. People who choose their profession usually enjoy to doing their work every day. For instance, Paddo is my neighbor in last two years, became a success on their career in a company because he followed his talent and ability when he apply to the job. As a result, his career increasing annual and obtain many achievements. So, it is evidence that young people must be known their talent before entrance a job.

There are many disadvantages if parents if parents determine the profession for their teenager. Firstly, they become pressure in their job because he is not suitable with their job. In addition, work condition of people usually is not better because work without ability about it can cause a bad result of their work such as influence the quality of the product which is low. Finally, the amount of worker who stress will increase. Most employments cannot finish their job which is load and duty for them, low ability about their job is the main reason it happens.

In conclusion, a job of young people should not be curtailed by their parents. The work which chose with considers ability aspect can give most advantages effect for people career. Although, an advice of parents before establishing an occupation should not be completely neglected for adjust the people skill.
hasbi   
Nov 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Internet users in North America on the ten-year period from 1999 to 2009 [2]

A comparison of the proportion of people in three countries who used the Internet between 1999 and 2009, a ten-year period. Overall it can be seen that the percentage of the population who used the Internet grew dramatically in each country over the remainder of the period. In any case, internet users in Canada revealed the highest percentage, while Mexico depicted reverse.

in 1999, the percentage of internet users in the USA stood at 20%, whereas the proportion in both Canada and Mexico were lower, at virtually 10% and 5% respectively. over the following ten years, Internet usage in the USA and Canada increased to approximately 70% of the population. However, this figure for Mexico experienced very low, at around 24%

A more detailed look at the line chart showed the percentage of Internet users was largest in Canada, representing virtually 100% of Canadians used the Internet. On the other hand, internet user's percentage for Americans solely four-fifths and only two-fifths of Mexicans of all population




hasbi   
Nov 27, 2015
Undergraduate / My grandma and a coup of chicken soup - UC prompt 1 [2]

hi...Sarah,..
you
writing not too bad. here my advice.

in the first paragraph you talk about your grandmother who always make a cup of hot soup. but without explain what type of your family, you solely explain the life experience with your grandma there. this background is very good. but you should put and answer related to the prompt. in the next sentence, you showed a detailed description about the size of a put. make sure your flow of the paragraph. what the correlation about this. i thinks this sentence is unnecessary.

paragraph two, you explain your grandma life experience. you say all about your grandma. please look at more closely with the prompt. you can tell us a story about her, but you should give information about how she can alteration your expectation or how she shapes your dreams and aspirations. and i think you also should describe your parents, they are the most important part of family.

paragraph three, in my notion this explanation is so impressive, about how your grandma and grandpa have a good relationship, and you said: After all these years, she still held the same philosophy. All it takes was smiles, signs of appreciation, and contentment" yhis is a good sentence. you can explain it more and make relation with the prompt about your aspiration, how you can learn from the,

good luck.
hasbi   
Nov 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / The cost of an average house in five major cities from 1990 and 2002 [2]

A comparison of the cost of an average house in five major cities from 1990 and 2002, a 13-year period compared from 1989 is illustrated in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that, house prices fell between 1990 and 1995, but most of the cities saw rising prices between 1996 and 2002. In any case, London experienced the greatest changes in house prices over the remainder period.

From 1990 to 1995, the cost of average homes in Tokyo and London dropped by around 7%, and New York house prices plummeted by 5%. However, in both Madrid and Frankfurt house prices rose by approximately 2%.

Between 1996 and 2002, London house prices rose dramatically to around 12%. Furthermore, houses' price in New York had grown to 5% above the 1989 average, but homes in Tokyo remained cheaper than they were in 1989. While the cost of an average home in Madrid rose by around 2%, prices in Frankfurt remained virtually unchanged.




hasbi   
Nov 27, 2015
Undergraduate / It took me a lot of years to realize that the person influencing me the most was my father. Intro. [5]

Hi..Joshua..

Here are some general pointers you can follow to write the best introduction letter the world has ever seen!

firstly, yse your identity, it means that The person or organization that asked you to write the letter did so for a reason. If you work for a software development company and a former employee has asked you to write a letter introducing them to another software company in another city where they hope to gain employment, your prospective reader will consider you an expert on the topic (unless you give them reason to think otherwise).

secondly, make the benefits of the potential relationship clear remember, that's exactly what you are doing when you write a letter of introduction. like a good salesperson won't even need to explain what their listener will get out of the product in question.

thirdly, please still stay on task, i mean only provide necessary information. and finally, make sure the introduction letter is free of errors. There's nothing worse than seeing a glaring grammatical or spelling error made by a professional in any industry.
hasbi   
Nov 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / A new supermarket in a town called Garlsdon [2]

A breakdown of two potential locations S1 and S2 for a new supermarket in a town called Garlsdon is illustrated in the map. Overall, it is important to note that the main difference between the two sites is that S1 is outside the town, whereas S2 is in the town centre. In any case, the railway which goes across the whole town and the main road linking the town centre with Hindon.

A more detailed look at to the map reveals that the first potential location (S1) is outside the town itself, and is sited just off the main road to the town of Hindon, lying 12 kms to the north-west. This would make it accessible to shoppers from both Hindon and Garsdon who could travel by car. S1 also close to the railway line linking the two towns to Gransdon (25 km to the south-west), a potentially large number of shoppers would also be able to travel by train.

In contrast, S2's location is right because it takes place in the town centre, which would be good for local residents. Theoretically the store could be accessed by road or rail from the surrounding towns, including Brandson, but as the central area is a no-traffic zone, cars would be unable to park and access would be difficult.




hasbi   
Nov 26, 2015
Undergraduate / My lifetime goal is to go a good school and secure my future so I can help my parents and family [4]

For the longest time(COMMA) please pay attention how to use punctuation after introductory phrase I thought that I would become an interior designer...

The class that are IShelping get an idea of what it would be like when I mayor MAJOR in architecture is engineering. In engineering(COMMA) we have to find a task...
... both share their similarities like: SUCH AS designing, planning...
... and revision to make a structure STRUCTURED work.

this is my advice for your ideas.
here we go to look the prompt:
current and future academic and extra-curricular activities might help you archive your goals

there are three are there main points
1. current academic
2. your academic in the future
3. extra-curricular activities.

overal your essay has succeeded to answer the point 1,however your explanations haven't strong yet. this is because you show to us about your skill and not your academic condition these days realted your goals. for the second point, there is no explanation about your expectation about your academic in the future and you solely describe your class condition. please make point that rational your goals and related your activities today.

your statement in the last paragraph is not strong. why you decide to choose this subject. and you are LOSS to put your organization experience. there is no explanation your have involved your self in an organization or community service. in my perception, this matter is too essential because it related to your leadership skills
hasbi   
Nov 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / People becoming so reliant on modern technology [2]

Over-reliance on modern technology means that people are failing to learn, or are forgetting, many basic skills.
To what extent is this true? Are people becoming so reliant on modern technology that they are to longer able to do some things without it?


Technology has changed the way people to learn. It is true that dependence of technology leads to people hard to study some fundamental talents due to the fact that people particularly children because they rely on watching TV or playing video games. I firmly agree technology brings dependency one it means that people, especially the younger generations tend to be at a loss without it.

Advanced technology is slowly taking over our social lives and slowly creeping into our relationships and everyday activities. But technology isn't really the problem. It is the people use it and how they use it effects the overall positives of technological advances. Without technology, there would be more bad than good. It is stopping many kids from physical activities because they are inside watching TV or playing video games which are leading to an increase in obesity and laziness. But without technology how would we be able to communicate easily, prevent diseases make jobs more doable, and to transport items more easily.

People Technology has become an inseparable part of our lives and they have become overly dependent on technology. While it obviously has it is used and we certainly live better for it. The accessibility to information that technology brings and dependency one it means that people, especially the younger generations tend to be at a loss without it. When people forget their phone and do not have it on their person, they often feel the phantom vibrations of the phone that is not there, much like a lost limb. There is less of a need to maintain knowledge when it is a mere Google search engine; learn a language when we can just use automated translators and pocket dictionaries.

In conclusion, although technology benefits our lives greatly, most kids these days don't even know how to use a dictionary because "Google has it all", so they do not t see it as a necessary skill. However, technology was created to make life easier that is the main purpose.
hasbi   
Nov 26, 2015
Undergraduate / How does USD stand out among all of the other colleges to which you are applying? San Diego Uni. [4]

Hi... Daniel...

the main prompt is WHY DO YOU INTEREST TO STUDY IN USD?
and WHY DO NOT CHOOSE THE OTHER UNIVERSITIES?

overall, your reasons really, really not strong. why did i say like that? this is because your main purpose is not to study in USD, but you solely want to recreation. like your statement "This program will help me contribute to the community through community service as part of a class coursework. Lastly, there is so many stuff to do for fun like going to the beach, mall, zoo, museums etc" it means you focus on holiday.

firstly, you should explain why USD and not other universities. you can show the superiority of this university related to your subject. and how do you can develop your previous knowledge. and you did not show it, you showed the beautiful and the college's location.

secondly, what the correlation between university of San Diego and your subject that you want to choose. for instance, you background is computer programme. and as we know that this university is top 10 rank in the world about this subject.

and finally, please show your goals in the future related to your ambitions to entrance in USD. and how the USD can help you release your goals.

good luck
hasbi   
Nov 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 the quality of life is decreasing [2]

In many big cities in the world, the quality of life is decreasin g. What are the causes andsolutions for this?

here my advice for you, it would be better if you make a essay plan before write your essay
look at closer to my essay plan below:
What are causes and solutions to the picture that big cities are witnessing a decrease in the quality of life?

Causes
- environment pollution
-traffic congestion
-technology


Solutions
-take a rest, slow down lives
-let technology be controlled by us
-bring freshness and nature back to cities


i'll try to rewrite your introduction:

The quality of life in big cities deteriorates [...] of the ways to resolve this situation.

The world's biggest cities are alluring new inhabitants the way giant sponges are sucking the water out of their surrounding areas. Despite the various benefits the cities can provide, the life quality suffers under the diverse set of environmental and socio-economic issues. In current essay the most prevalent reasons and solutions will be discussed

to be part and parcel of introduction paragraph is if people who read your introduction, they can immediately to imagine the next paragraph(body pargraph)

good luck
hasbi   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / The national consumer expenditure on various items in five European countries in 2002 [2]

A comparison of the proportion of the national consumer expenditure on various items in five European countries in 2002 is illustrated in the table. Overall, it can be seen that a large part of consumers preferred to spend more money on food than clothing and leisure.

The greatest proportion of expenditure on food, drinks and tobacco was Turkey, with 32.14%, followed by Ireland with 28.91%. The consumers in Sweden spent 2 times less than that of in Turkey in this sector. Furthermore, Italians and Spanish spent the similar percentage, 16.36% and 18.80% respectively.

A more detailed look at the table revealed that the percentage spent on clothing and footwear was considerably less than 10% for all the countries. By 9%, customers in Italy experienced the largest expenditure in this category, while spending habits ranging from 5.40% to 6.63% for 4 other countries. As for leisure and education, it is obvious that the figure solely depicted at below 5% for all countries. Turkey had the highest percentage of expenditure with 4.35% compared with 1.98% in Spain.




hasbi   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / What are the reasons for species being extinct ? [4]

... caused by natural diseases such as earth quakes EARTHQUAKES, forest fire, lack of rain, extreme cold and high temperature (?)
... if they cannot find suitable conditions, death becomes AN/THE inevitable consequence.

However, in todays THESE DAYS, THE wildfire would be one of the most dangerous wayS , because animals and plants ...

....Then, people started to destroy species' habitats so as to create A/THE new settlement.

As long as human being keeps polluting ON THE air with carbondioxyde CARBON DIOXIDE emission, those organisms will no longer survive.

... stopping some human activities can be the way to reduce THE amount of extinction.

overall your essay too common, there is no specific animal that focus on it to explain. i mean that, from the explanation, give the reader one group animal, for example, like the polar bear in the arctic ocean which have near extinct due to the fact that their habitat (Ice) melting and the number of them has a decrease annually.

good luck
hasbi   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Some parents forbid young children from owning smartphones while some disagree - TOEFL essay [4]

Hi.. Sakshi..

your essay not too bad, here my advice for you related to this topic.

first, please look at the prompt: Which point of view do you think is better, and why?

it means that you should explain the problems related to a phone, the internet, and children. the important things that you should put in your essay are WHAT THE SOLUTION

Overall, as a see it, there are three main problems you have showed in your essay.

for the first paragraph, your essay explains the impact of the internet that can inhibits their ability to think original and creative. so, there are no solution related this matter. how to keep them creative. and your statement also without supporting scientific facts. who say like that, any research result related to this? make clear your explanation with facts.

for the second paragraph, the key point of your paragraph is "This hampers their ability to adapt to diverse society and diverts them to a bed-ridden lifestyle". it is true, there is no doubt that mobile phone can lead an increasing the social ability. but, you should say in what way children can loss their social life, and you give an example is not supporting the main ideas of this paragraph. maybe you can say, "for instance, children are more likely to send a message rather than gathering or face-to-face with their peers.

your conclusion is not a strong argument and i think the closing statement is not creative. this is because, today, globalization, it is too hard if parents not allow their children possess the phone. so, you should think about how thy control their children to use mobile phone.

good luck
hasbi   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Britain's family cars posession over a 36-year period which is illustrated in the line chart [NEW]

A comparison of alteration in the number of cars per household in Great Britain between 1971 and 2007, a 36-year period is illustrated in the line chart. Overall, car ownership in Britain increased over the remainder period. In any case, the number of households with two cars rose, while the number of households without a car fell.

In 1971, British households were more likely to possess one car. Almost a half of proportion, at around 44% of households had one car. However, there was little change in the figures for this category at the end of the period. For families which own three or more cars witnessed very low, with around 2%, and the proportion of households with more than two cars rose by around 5%.

A more detailed look at the chart reveals that the biggest change was seen in the proportion of households without a car., which, fell steadily over the 36-year period to around 25% in 2007. In contrast, over the following 36 years, the proportion of two-car families grew steadily, reaching about 26%.




hasbi   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree: being active is healthier than staying at home [4]

hi.. franceska...

here my advice for you.
you should support your statement with scientific facts, from journal, books, or newspaper
Even childhood obesity is on the rise. More and more children are overweight, and it's getting worse
why you say child obesity rise and more and more are overweight?
it is unclear, you solely put argument without fact. so it is not strong.
getting worse? what the effect of obesity why you say like that.

you said "Getting regular physical activity is one of the best things you can do for your health for example it lowers the risk of different diseases."

please show to readers source of information related to this, like result of surveyor research

if the task AGREE and DISAGREE .
IF you agree: it means that what the benefits of being active is healthier than staying at home?
IF you DISAGREE:it means that what the drawbacks of being active is healthier than staying at home?

Imprtant: although do you totally agree with this statement, you are not only put the explanation about benefits it, but also explain the drawbacks of this
hasbi   
Nov 25, 2015
Essays / Education purpose, life objective and impacting others. Help with a scholarship essay [4]

Hi..Akinleye...
here my point of your questions.

1. what do you say is the purpose for education
for this question you can explain the benefits of education in the past and compare to these days. after this you mention the merits of it in the future. how the education change the people live.

2. state your general life objective
it is about yourself. you can show your potential, about your skills, ability and make the correlation in the future. you can predict your goals such as ten years later based on your concern today. like you study computer nowadays and your goals are the computer programmer or computer science expert in the future.

3. in what way do you think you can impact others
no man is an island. society needs your contribution. There are many ways we impact on others. For instance, communication style, body language. We impact on others through our opinions, the amount we contribute, the sound of our voice, the effect of our silence, the expressions we use. the impact is definitely positive for humankind.

good luck
hasbi   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Three ways to collect and analyze meteorological data - Australian Bureau to forecast the weather [2]

A breakdown of the process used by the Australian Bureau of Meteorology to forecast the weather is illustrated in the process diagram. Overall, it can be seen that there are four main stages in the process, beginning with the collection of information about the weather. This information is then analyzed, prepared for presentation, and finally broadcast to the public.

A more detailed look at to the diagram reveals that the first and second of the process. There are three ways to collect and analyze data. Firstly, the data source comes from satellite and presented photograph for analyzing. Secondly, incoming information can be received by radar and presented for analysis as a radar screen. Finally, drifting buoys also receive data which can be shown on a synoptic chart for analyzing the process.

For the third step is broadcasting process. All of information is prepared on a computer, and then this information is delivered to the public on the screen on TV, on the radio or as a recorded telephone announcement by public telephone grid.




hasbi   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / The growing number of people aged 65 and more... [2]

A comparison of the proportion of people aged 65 or more in Japan, Sweden and the USA between 1940 and 2040 as projected year, a 100-year period is illustrated in the line chart. Overall, it can be seen that the proportion of elderly people increases in each country between 1940 and 2040 as a forecasted year. Japan is expected to see the most dramatic changes in its elderly population.

In 1940, the proportion of Americans was aged 65 or over stood at 9%, compared to about 7% of Swedish people and 5% of Japanese people. Over the next 50 years, the percentage of USA and Sweden increased gradually, reaching 15% in 1990. Contrastingly, the figure for Japan witnessed very low, at solely 5% in 2000.

A more detailed look at to the line chart revealed that there will be predicted an increase of elderly people's proportion in Japan, at around 27% in the end of the period. However, For Sweden and the USA will be slightly lower, at virtually 25% and 23% respectively.




hasbi   
Nov 25, 2015
Undergraduate / Interest in Computer Science - UIUC Undergrad Essay [8]

Lying in my bed at night(COMMA) I was thinking about a specific experience that I had regarding to computer science.

Pondering upon the dilemma for day and night(COMMA) I realized that it was not my achievements ...
My introduction to gaming began when I was three years old .

.... fluid physics and alluring game-playgameplay was enough to take my ...

At my primary school (COMMA) I was taught the `programming language Logo.

Simple commands like "fd FD 10" would make the turtle ...

In my free time(COMMA) I would read articles about computers and try to teach my self myself the basics of Java ...
... and open manymuch more in the field of research ...

here my advice for you:
please pay attention about how to use PUNCTUATION MARK, like missing COMMA after introductory phrase.

about your content:
you solely tell a story about your experience and your skill about several language computer program.
it would be better if you put the specific you contribution to society about your skills and for the University of Illinois.

good luck
hasbi   
Nov 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Settlements with the past - the causes of space exploration. [2]

Some people argue that space exploration has had more to do with national pride than international effort.
To what extent do you agree with this?
How do you think space exploration will change the future?


Exploration space has a considerable value for everyone. The expanding of technology brings the huge impact throughout the world, particularly space technology that makes possible society explore other planets. In the modern era, it is argued that people going outer space have had more to do with national pride than international effort. I firmly believe that people who explore the space have been made their nationality proud of them because they brought their country identity when they explore the space, like a flag. However, other believe that space exploration implied in global effort due to the fact that it occurs because collaboration and supporting from other countries.

A convincing argument can be made that the success of people exploring outer space is not only playing a pivotal role to make their self-proud, but also it can lead their country to become famous in around the world. Yuri Gagarin was a Russian astronaut and the first person visited space. On April 12th, 1961, he orbit the earth and hoist the Russian flag in space. From that moment, Russian has been popular as a country has the advance technology to send the men explore outside Earth. People who journey into outer space make their country really proud of them because they show to throughout the world how great their country and it is a unique exploration because no one has experienced it before.

On the other hand, space exploration has involved many countries. Currently, around 13 other space agencies participate in the International space Exploration Coordination Group (ISECG) to advance a long-range human space exploration strategy. In May 2007, fourteen space agencies have released. They shared the vision of coordinated human like establish International space station and robotic space exploration focused on Solar System destinations where humans may one day live and work. It is proof that global relationship is a significant subject for travelling space successfully.

As far I am concerned, I think a journey to outside the earth is becoming a necessity for human because many people use advanced technology which can be developed on other planets. Next generation, the situation in our Earth will be changing and there is new information about move the half of people on Earth to live on Mars. Thus, the scientists have prepared and enhance the knowledge how to survive in outer space. Such Mars One has established residents in March and this company will send hundreds of people to permanent living in Mars in 2025.

To sum up, Astronaut who succeeded travel outer space will bring the prestigious achievement about their country. However, the uniqueness of this exploration create a global proud what they do and collaboration with other countries in many parts of the world. I firmly believe that free-space settlements could be wonderful places to live.
hasbi   
Nov 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Government and citizens are whole unity. Funding to education and healthcare issue. [2]

Hi...Akbar.
your writing is so good..

but, here my advice for you.

government should hasshould have --->MODAL+V1
has A responsibility
two services(COMMA) especially
the funding to both services requireS
The government has AN authority

before you explain your ideas on the passage, it would be better if you look at the prompt carefully.
your explanation has answered the question, but your answer the question is inexactly and a little.

All education and healthcare should be funded by government and free for everyone.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


from the prompt above, here the FOCUS QUESTION.

should the government invest money on all education and health care and make it free for everyone?[/i ]

if YES---> what the advantages if governments allocate their budget to all education and health care?
for example: maybe you can explain that it can decrease the illiterate of the society, Mitigate the mortality rate and an availability of sophisticated equipment in the hospital.


if NO---> what the demerits if governments allocate their budget to all education and health care?
for example: maybe you can explain that if government solely focus on funding both education and health care it can cause inbalance funding to other sectors, like public transport and leads to economic crisis.

good luck.
hasbi   
Nov 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / The proportion of plant and animal species will extinct between 2000 and 2100 projected year [2]

The line graph provides information on the proportion of plant and animal species will extinct between 2000 and 2100 projected year, a hundred-year period and the pie chart illustrates details about threats to plant life in tropical forest. The number of extinction species is forecast to increase steadily by decade. In any case, the majority of threats for plant life are caused by human impact.

The trend shows the change every 20 years from 2000 to 2100. The number of extinction species stood at 5000 in 2000. However, over the following six projected decades, this figure rise dramatically and reach a peak of 50.000. However, the graph predicts after this period the projected trend will be consistently plummeting, and finish with less than 30000 million over the remainder of the period.

On the other hand, plant has its threat from two main resources, human impact and natural events. It is obviously that more than 80 per cent damages are caused by human and 18.7% by natural events like disaster. Specifically, in agriculture sector and its activities (plantation and harvesting) have made 37.8% threats. Logging and other forms of humans' error are believed as hazardous activities for plant life




hasbi   
Nov 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Email and messaging (modern forms of communication) - IELTS TASK 2 [2]

Hi, AKbar,.,

here some suggestions for you:

Electronic message and other messaging are AN advanced figure of communication

... to report its result of working to THE company.

... various messaging has been less FEWER people's time to gather with their friends. The fact, those are more enjoyable to send AN email or other ...

A case in point, a large number of THE young adult were more impressive ...
Moreover, their conversation sometimes out of THE subject of discussion ...

Firstly, it will help THE performance of worker in a company ...
For example, a worker who having a job at other city OTHER CITIES/ANOTHER CITY can report its result ...
On the other hand, AN email is A tool which can be used to catch information at the cyber world because THE person must have AN email to register an account.

... so that the student must hasHAVE an email to register at THE online library.

... e-mail and other messaging have A dire effect to people but it also has benefits. Society must has HAVE an awareness to ...

please look at closer, how to use ARTICLE
like AN/A/THE.

And about your idea, pay attention more to key point THE NEGATIVE EFFECT OF MESSAGING TO THE SOCIAL LIFE OF PEOPLE.
in your essay there is invisible about this matter, make specific related to this topic.

good luck
hasbi   
Nov 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Americans spending on diffrend kinds of phone services from in a ten-year period [3]

A comparison of the annual amount of Americans spending on mobile and mobile phone services from 2001 to 2010, a ten-year period is illustrated in the line chart. Overall, it can be seen that people were more likely to spend money on residential phone services rather than on mobile phone services at the beginning. However, these figures showed a reverse in the last period.

In 2001, the highest expenditure was US consumers, which spent an average of virtually $700 on residential phone services, compared to cell phone services, at solely $200. Over the following five years, this figure has plummeted by $200. Contrastingly, expenditure on mobile services has increased by around $300.

In 2006, the average American's spending on both figures was equal, at nearly $500. On the other hand, by 2010, expenditure on mobile phones exceeded the number of residential services and reached a peak to $700, while spending on residential services had fallen to just $400 over the time frame.




hasbi   
Nov 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / TELEVISION AND ITS advantages - it's very useful device [4]

television can entertain people and give them a great deal of up to data about many field of science, society and life. In this essay, I will explain television has many advantages for different individuals. make clear your introduction where you position, and the generally reason why you agree or disagree.

here the common pattern:

this essay will discuss several demerits from the TV, such us...and...

spend A huge

please make clear your statement, with scientific facts in order to make strong your ideas. the contain of your essay overall explain not clear,
i mean, where your drawbacks of TV, because you said there are disadvantages of it.

if you get question like this, while your position disagree about this topic, you should put opinion with the aagree statement.

good luck.
hasbi   
Nov 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Survey: up to 20% of 12 year-olds had early signs of nicotine addiction and 70% of teens aged 18-20 [4]

hello hbjdt...

here my advice for your essay.

look at closer to the question. there are two facts or results of the survey that support the argument related to ban the cigarette advertising. please make clear your position, do you agree or disagree about cigarette advertising should be banned? from your essay we can see that you firmly believe that it should be banned because you explain about drawbacks of cigarette.

predominant of your statement without scientific facts, overall, there is no fact in your writing. i mean that fact related to this topic for supporting your statement. for instance: you said " which creates a domino effect and then ultimately smoking becomes prevalent among the young" the question will appear that where the fact about it, it is true statement or no?

in the last paragraph, you don't writing about this advertising should be banned or no, and solely you show and show arguments.
hasbi   
Nov 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / Technology has changed the way people work [2]

Information technology enables many people to their work outside their workplace (e.g. at home, when travelling, etc.)
Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the advantages?


Technology has changed the way people work. In the modern era, it makes possible some people to work outside their office and encourage them to do their work at home or when they are travelling. It is agreed that technology brings threefold merits rather than demerits people can save time or money, raise job satisfaction and connect with workers in different countries. However, technology leads to unhealthy lifestyle among workers.

A convincing argument can be made that information technology is not only playing a pivotal role the way people doing their job, but can also save time and money of the employees. Predominant people face traffic congestion when they want to attend at their workplace. It is definitely that it makes them spend a lot of time on the road and burning a huge amount of fuel, like gasoline.

Nowadays, many people work part-time or have flexible working hours and technology have allowed people to work from home or in their leisure time. As a result, some workers witness a good work or life balance which can raise job satisfaction. People who work in international business have to read hundreds of corporate activities email or messages every day, it means that technology can connect with labours in different countries in many parts of the world.

Apart from this, people who work in their home tend to experience the sedentary lifestyle. They are more likely to spend their time sitting in front of the computer monitor or smartphones rather than going out and taking regular exercise. Consequently, they are vulnerable to become obesity sufferer and cardiovascular disease risk. A 2013 British study showed that after 90 minutes of sitting your metabolism shuts down and the body's cells become less responsive to insulin and muscles release lower levels of the enzyme which burn cholesterol.

In conclusion, it is believed that information technology plays a significant role to assist people work that make it possible to be done without attending in their office. There are some advantages and disadvantages related to this matter.
hasbi   
Nov 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / The motive of adults continue their study (IELTS task 1) [3]

... their study and it is measured by percentage , and the pie chart illustrates the percentage of tuition costs should be funded.

... education cost should be funded by THE individual.

The bar chart reveals the motive of the adult choose themselves to continue their study and the pie chart unveils people's opinion about how the cost of adult education should be done together. It is measured by percentage. Overall, it can be seen that the two main reasons why adults have continued their study are due to they are interested with the subject. It is also noticed that the survey also shown that most of the education cost should be funded by individuals themselves.

The majority of THE reason why people ...
Beside interested with the subject, gaining THE qualification and being helpful ...

According TO the pie chart, people having determined for the further education think that 40 percent of this cost should shared SHARE or SHOULD BE SHARED by individuals who enroll to study. By contrast, THE taxpayer is as DEPICTSthe lowest with 25%. the lowest proportion, at solely 25%
hasbi   
Nov 11, 2015
Scholarship / The Proportion of overseas students graduated from universities in different Canadian provinces [3]

A comparison of the number of the proportion alter in the number of overseas students graduated from universities in eight different Canadian provinces from 2001 to 2006, a five-year period, is illustrated by the bar chart. Overall, the highest number of international students graduated was in New Brunswick. In any case, while the trends for international students graduated was dominated in 2006 for all provinces, Alberta shows a reverse.

Predominant the graduate students from foreign countries had experienced a great proportion in 2006 than in 2001. The difference was far marked, with 11.5% in 2006 and just 7% in 2001 for New Brunswick. Next, Nova Scotia and British Columbia had an equal percentage in the number of international students graduated, representing one in ten in the final period and virtually one in twenty in the beginning. Meanwhile, between 2001 and 2006, this figure witnessed at 6% and 8% respectively.

A more detailed look at the graph depicts that the overall proportion was not always dominated in 2006. Alberta province revealed the percentage of international students graduated in 2001 has a larger proportion than it was in 2006, with 6% and 4.3%. However, the three other provinces, Monitoba, Ontario, New Foundland and Labrador showed the lowest proportion of the number of overseas students graduated, at approximately 3% in 2001 and 7% in 2006.




hasbi   
Nov 2, 2015
Scholarship / Global sales in five different cell phone brands from 2009 to 2013 [NEW]

A comparison of the number of sales in five different cell phone brands in the world between 2009 and 2013, a 4-year period is illustrated by bar chart. Overall, there was a significant increase in the proportion of Samsung mobile phone sales over the question time while Nokia's buyers showed reverse. In any case, the number of people who bought Apple phones witnessed a grew sharply over the period.

In 2009, the Nokia was the most popular mobile phone in the world with 450 million users, and although it was still the highest sale, by the end of period it had fallen to 250 million. Initially, Samsung sales experienced a gradual increase from 230 million in 2009 to 330 in 2011. In the next two years, this figure reached a peak to 450 million, which was the highest sale of all cell phone brands.

The number of people belonged to LG cell phone was 120 million at the beginning of the period. However, over the following four years, the proportion of these users fell steadily to 80 million. While the customers of Apple mobile phone stood only at 30 million in 2009, the number of units which have been sold rose steadily to 150 for the remainder of the period. Furthermore, the proportion of ZTE cell phone was seen remained virtually unchanged over the time frame.




hasbi   
Nov 2, 2015
Scholarship / I was the topper and class representative for 3 consecutive years, leading a group of 50 students [4]

Hi,., Hamidy..!

if you talking about your leadership.
firstly, you should explain what the essential of leadership skill that became part and partial of your lives.
secondly, if you are commanded to talk your leadership experience. the great explain is when you tell about your challenge to lead yourself and other people.

CHALLENGE means that what are the problems that you have been forced to develop you group, you can show what measurements that you took to deal with these problems. also, you can show what happened with your organization that you lead after you applied these measurements. become better or worst.

thirdly, how the future leader influences their country, please show how important role of this. particularly young people.
hasbi   
Nov 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Schools should focus on the subjects which support of student's goals in the future [5]

Schools should only offer subjects that are beneficial to students' future career success. Other subjects, such as music and sports, are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The people's goals depend on what they offer today. Most of the people think that schools should focus on the subjects which support of student's goal in the future and do not pay attention to secondary subjects like sports and music. It is agreed that the school's offer to teach subjects that student's need for their career is the most significant due to the fact that this case can help them reach their goals. On the other hand, while some people say that others subjects are not strongly useful for student's career, like sports and music are able to make people keep fit and develop their talents related to job opportunities.

It is more significant that schools must solely provide the subject that could make students success in their careers. This is because paying more attention to their primary subject tend to make them study more and more related to it. A 2007 Harvard annual survey revealed that 75% pilots in Paris, France success in their job as such they only focus on study aviation science in the college. Recognize of specific subjects is very helpful to make students become an expert in their major. Consequently, it is definitely they are professional workers.

Despite this case above, other subjects like sports and music should not be neglected or unnecessary to learned. To be part and partial, other subjects are same essential. Sports subject can teach students about healthy science like how to keeping fit their body everyday and there is a doubt that body healthily is one of the important requirements to find a better job. For music subject, some actors and actresses should have music talents. It is certain that this subject is essential for their career to become a famous artist.

To sum up, although some people argue that students solely learn their primary subjects is the best way to make students success of their career in the future, i firmly believe that no subjects should be considered as not important. In my notion, people should study subjects as much as possible whatever they wish.