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Posts by Ra_fhli
Name: Rahmat Fadhli
Joined: Nov 3, 2015
Last Post: Feb 3, 2016
Threads: 22
Posts: 17  
Likes: 8
From: Indonesia
School: UNM

Displayed posts: 39
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Ra_fhli   
Feb 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 2. Both museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourist rather than local people? [2]

It is argued that foreigners more attracted to visit some museums and historical places rather than local people. The predominant factor of this problem is lack of attractive facilities, however, the way to tackle this, government should fill out both places by sophisticated technology.

The reason why local people have less interest to visit museums and historical sites is both places genuinely not provide an impressive facilities. People majority have a tendency to travel in one place when its place offers unique and well-favored situation. Largely some museums and historical sites looked still in the old-fashion model. The result of this is local people tend to overlook those places. A recent study from University of Twente found a fact that from 2010 to 2015, the number of museum visitor in Netherlands had decreased significantly to 55% since some museums are still in the old model. It means that people do not find such interesting thing in that place.

The viable solution to deal with this problem is government should equip both places by cutting-edge technology. Some technology facilities are possible to be presented to the local community like 3-D and touch-screen computers. The result is the number of local people who visit either museums or historical places certainly will boost rapidly since people have more tendency to be curious toward the new one. To illustrate, in my country, Indonesia, initially, local people think it is unnecessary to visit historical places when the excursion time as the facility is merely monotonous. Since the government facilitate a whole of the historical places with sophisticated technology in 2015, public interest has increased rapidly. This is the greatest way to encourage local people more aware of both of places.

To conclude, less of an attractive spot is the principal problem leads local people to overlook museums and historical sites. However, this problem can be addressed by the advanced of technology within those places. It is imperative that some serious consequences should be taken into considerations.
Ra_fhli   
Feb 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / From the whole world music, traditional one is genuinely meaningful and should be preserved. [2]

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Music appears with some forms around the world and it provides enjoyment to millions of people. I would argue that apparently traditional music is being most enjoyable because it represents local public taste and obviously easy to understand.

Music simply plays an important role for the human being since it provides enjoyment and happiness when people heard it. People are often listening music to relax at home, to relieve their drabness, when they are travelling, even when they are in the ceremonial party. Not only that, music also can symbolize every culture within. For instance, in my country, Indonesia a well-known music called "Dangdut" often played when the wedding party is held. This can attract people to sway all day long due to that sound truly attractive.

When it comes to preference music, traditional music has more understandable rather than international music. Traditional music often provides a sense that cannot be covered by international music due to different culture certainly a different test. Taking an example, Korean people have a tendency listening slow music such as blues, pop, and jazz since it is correlated with their ethical taught. It might be different in the western country in which people are more likely enjoying rock or punk music. However, it does not mean that international music less useful. People can connect throughout the world from certain international music. International singers like Rihanna, Taylor Swift, and Michael Jackson have gained successful career from such music.

All in all, music is considerably important for humankind. From the assortment of music around the world, traditional music is genuinely meaningful and should be preserved as it is part of a country's cultural identity.
Ra_fhli   
Dec 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK 2. Each year, the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done? [5]

Each year, the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminality?

A breakdown of criminality increases rapidly every year. For this reason, numerous people assert that it is important to detect some causes within and need steps to deal with. It is nice to be a threshold that some causes such as the rate of unemployment and broken home trigger this phenomenon.

The major reason why criminal rate inclines significantly is because of unemployment. Some of them who do not have any skills to compete with others are more likely to take a shortcut. For example in a big city, people are demanded to have multitasking skills, and, therefore, some employees should prove themselves as trustworthy people. To address this problem, people should enlarge themselves by taking a particular course so as to be qualified. In addition, they should consider to not rely on other people such as setting up their own business.

In addition, in general cases, unharmonious family is a huge problem to cause the number of criminal hardened happen. It is clear that, people who have problemS with the relatives tend to take retaliation with other people. A researcher from Edinburgh University, John Edward Collin reveals that about 22% crime which come out in Scotland caused by unharmonious family. The proper way to deal with this problem is despite the spouse to arrange their time properly, and the government also ought to take responsibility by making regulation in order to press the divorce rate and encourage the citizen by positive campaigns.

In a nutshell, the rate of criminality tends to increase in every year since the citizens lack of skills to work. Furthermore, broken home has the big influence as well. However, the way to address those problems is by enlarging capacity in one field. Likewise, government action is also really necessitated.
Ra_fhli   
Dec 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / ACAD IELTS TASK 2 - Many people worry about the growing number of obese children [4]

In many countries, many people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

They say that the generation of today ...

I'm So Sorry to say that, please don't take my comments to heart and if I've offended you, I apologize in advance.

First and foremost; Your Introductory is really confusing. setting out the introduction you should bottom line that some parts should include like Hook (Conditional), Background (Conditional), paraphrase the question ( It Must be), and giving your thesis statement hinges the question. when it comes to your essay, we examine about cause and solution. it means you should give a brief information regarding what kind of causes and the way to deal with.So it makes your reader easy to follow your writing. Thus, I think it could be better rather than giving your reader a question in the of the introductory paragraph.

One of the things (SUBJECT) that can be attributed to children being overweight areIS(V) their food choices. Fast food restaurants have popped out everywhere making it the most readily available food on-the-go. Since many parents don't DO NOT have the time to cook for their kids themselves, they just buy their kids "kiddie meals" from such stores which in fact has low to no nutritional value at all .

Moreover, children of today have become integrated with the technology. [...]

IN MY POINT OF VIEW WRITING QUESTION; CAUSE AND SOLUTION, PRIOR TO WE SHOULD DETECT THE CAUSE, AFTERWHICH STRAIGHT TO THE SOLUTION. FOR INSTANCE:

TYPE PARAGRAPH:
INTRODUCTION

1 : CAUSE....
SOLUTION

2. CAUSE
SOLUTION

3. CONCLUSION

IT IS REALLY SIMPLE, RIGHT?

GOOD LUCK!!! KEEP WRITING. ^_^
Ra_fhli   
Dec 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / Using renewable energy to generate electricity - to preserve our earth from climate change - task2 [2]

Alternative energy sources that use the natural power of the wind, waves and sun are too expensive and complicated to replace the coal, oil and gas that we use to power our cities and transport. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Sustainable power plants begin to be concerned in developed countries. For this reason, those renewable energy farms unaffordable and complex to alter the conventional plantation such as coal, oil, and gas to meet Nationwide's electricity needs. While this is true for some extent since it takes many expenses and poor human resources, I firmly believe that these power plants have valuable merits because almost zero emissions and more long-term usage.

It is evident that setting up power stations by using fossil fuel such as wind, waves, and sun needs an enormous budget since the tools solely assembled in the advanced country. States which have intention owing those sources, they might be considering about shipment cost, likewise its maintenance as well because the material just designed in the certain country. Furthermore, in major countries, it is undoubted that the number of experts regarding this field still limited.

On the other hand, powering the cities by utilizing renewable energy is a wise way reducing pollution to the atmosphere. Moreover, as we can see that earth condition these day time by time merely experiencing the effect of global warming. Another reason, renewable energy is an energy which cannot run out forever, so people can utilize it in a long span. Taking an example, a country which is less of fossil fuels, like Netherlands tend to focus on wind turbine production. As a result, they are accustomed to this condition and more innovative with their own possession.

To conclude, I utterly believe that using renewable energy to generate electricity in a tremendous function is the proper path to preserve our earth from climate change. Even though the price is more expensive, but I convinced that there will a mass production in the future, so it can be affordable for all states.
Ra_fhli   
Dec 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK 1. The diagram gives a breakdown how heat released and energy wasted from the air [2]

The diagram gives a breakdown how heat released and energy wasted in a house due to air leaking out and into. Overall, it is clear that there six places in which air can be discharged to the atmosphere while the number of places where air might enter the house more numerous.

It is evident that places where air can be released almost come from utilizing of electricity except plumbing stack vent. Reserved lights located in two sides of the house are solely places which have the same form. Bathroom fan vent and kitchen fan vent apparently have the same model, but different location. While plumbing stack vent has tiny hole releasing the air to the sky, in contrary with attic hatch which has a big space.

Turning to the air leaking onto the house, apparently most of them are coming from the big ventilation such as a window, door and dryer vent. Windows and doors positioned in the second floor of the house while crawl space and dryer vent located in the first floor.




Ra_fhli   
Dec 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK 1. Internal and external communication influence on the selling products or services [2]

TASK 1. Which Communication Skills are essential in your job? (Survey 1997 and 2006)

Two survey's result between 1997 and 2006 regarding some parts of communication skills which people needed in their job presented by the table. Overall, while whole aspects either in external or internal communication showed a high trend, selling product or service witnessed decline figure.

At first glance, it can be seen that in the internal communication expertise, at least there are five items include in this part in which listening carefully to colleagues was the huge impact to influence employee's career from 38 percent in 2006 to 47 percent in 2007. While, making speeches or presentations experienced the lowest factor by 4 %, giving instruction and persuading co-workers showed the same figure at increased 5% over the timeframe. Analyzing problem together with the employee just portrayed the modest level at 6%.

Turning to the external communication, apparently having knowledge of particular products had the biggest effect for working in the company in which in 1997 gave a breakdown in 35% and rose at 41% in 2007. Meanwhile dealing with people had the second effects at by 5%, showing interest to the consumer was less influential with just 3 percent.




Ra_fhli   
Nov 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK2. Should government levy a tariff on junk food or not? [2]

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food

A serious concern nowadays is how our eating habits can influence our health, junk food is the common one. It is argued that government should levy a tariff on those foods because the number of health risks associated with them is on the rise. However, I do not believe that raising tax for junk food is the proper ways to reduce the number of people consuming its food, since some methods are still more effective like, creating by hand-made in the home, and encouraging citizen through the advertisement.

Recently, consuming junk food excessively it is believed able to influence people's health. However, some people tend to neglect that problem since its foods are ubiquitous and more efficient. As a consequence, people tend to be addicted in those foods. To deal with this problem, people should create a creative food in their home not only good looking, but also should consist of much nutrition. For example, mothers should attract their children to stay away with junk food by creating the variety of foods.

In addition, another reason is the influence of mass media through well-advertisement really affect to encourage the society changing their poor diet. A study from York University reveals that in 2005, around 55% Canadian experience problems with obesity, but decrease by 35% in 2007 through advertisement influence. Besides that, education sector it is believed able to tackle this problem by involving the whole of stakeholder in school. For instance, once in a week there is an additional knowledge regarding fast food is harmful to humans.

In conclusion, I disagree if raising tax for the junk food companies is the best method to reduce the number of people who consume junk food because every people have a responsibility to keep their body. Government just able to give awareness for the society through a positive campaign
Ra_fhli   
Nov 30, 2015
Research Papers / Thimerosal and Autism: Myth or Fact [3]

BECAUSE OF YOUR WRITING TO BULKY, you should make a space/GAP among of the SENTENCES. AT FIRST GLANCE, to be honest as a reader, I lose my interest to read your prompt. WHILE I AGREE WITH SOME ARGUMENTS which you deliver, I still found a few mistake in your writing Anyway. HERE Let's look further in your essay.

Thimerosal contains a type of mercury. Mercury is aWHICH naturally occurring element in nature. This item ]and can be found in soil, water, and the earth's crust.

A neurotoxin is a substance that inhibits, damages, or destroys tissue of the nervous system. The effects of neurotoxins are often permanent and can be fetal FATAL.

Ethyl mercury is not the same as methyl mercury, YOU MISSING COMA in YOUR COMPOUND SENTENCES, but the FDA uses the methyl mercury WITHOUT SPACE methylmercury values for toxicity, as it is more dangerous.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / Modern technology-based products do not improve people's lives [5]

HI Linthran, I am pleased to know you here. I have read your writing, almost minor flow. However, I Have some suggestion for you to increase your writing mainly in punctuation Another thing is, when you upload your essay in this site, you should consider enclosing the question in order to make your reader easy to follow and examine your idea.

Anyway here my suggestion for you:

Nowadays, THE IMMENSE of technology is having an SIMPLY increasing effect on INFLUENCE people's daily life. h However, there are some people who say argue that modern technology-based products do not cannot improve people's living standard. i In my opinion, this is a wrong statement.

First of all, there is no doubt that high-tech products help people to communicate with each other more easily. T hanks to the inventions of telephone, computer and especially the Internet, humans can keep in touch from a very long distance (NO VERB ). ALSO, they can give and receive share information through tv or radio programmes, which are considered as products of modern life.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / The education sector and health services are vital aspects which should be funded by the government. [2]

All education and healthcare should be funded by the government and free for everyone.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion


Numerous people believe that the education sector and health services are vital aspects which should be funded by the government. Those should be free for society, so everyone has the same right. It is argued that states have a responsibility to ensure the public welfare in term of education and healthiness. While I agree with this opinion, I would also argue that other sectors should be considered so as to achieve prosperity for all.

As a guard for the society, the governments have authorities to collect taxes from the society, and allocate in a proper ways. In order to achieve prosperity for the citizen, some people believe that both education and health services should be more prioritized. Education is really important for everyone because it can escort human being in creating their own town in whole aspects. Likewise in health care since some segments in society cannot pay themselves in a cure.

On the other hand, in order to have social welfare for all of the citizen, some people argue that others sector cannot be neglected by the governments. For example, road construction, for those who live in remote area, it is worthwhile for them to be linked with the other people by good transportation. Another sector is the number of public transport should be increased with lowered price, so society easily to carry out their business. Simultaneously some aspects will be growing fast, mainly in the economic sector. In addition, the government also should encourage their society to share each other, meanwhile rich people should pay more taxes than ordinary people.

To sum up, I agree that government should pay more attention with education and health services to achieve social welfare while other sectors as important as to be noticed.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK 2. Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company [2]

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization.
Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?


Numerous people prefer to set out their own business rather than involving themselves in a company or organization. Although there are some benefits and drawbacks for those things, I believe that the convenience starting a new business outweighs the disadvantages.

People who set out their business by themselves have some drawbacks. The common problems are the level of competition very tight. Thus, they have to make their business stand out than others, especially those who live in the city center. Another reason is those who run their business by themselves, there is no guarantee about pension costs like the other employees since they might be bankrupt incidentally and left many debts.

On the other hand, setting out business by own self in fact having several benefits. Firstly, people able to manage their time without any restriction from their company's owner. Besides, those who drive the business by themselves are more independent thanks to every decision which is made solely being personal responsibility without others interferences. In addition, they also have much free time for their family. A recent study by La Trobe's University found that people who earn money by themselves have more pleasure than those who work in the office.

In the final analysis, even though some people more rely on their life by working in companies, being the owner in own business apparently gives more satisfaction because everything able to control. Furthermore, driving company by own self also has much time with the family. These are properly good for those who have natural ability in business.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / While the technological progress is spreading out, the traditional ways of life are dying out. IELTS [2]

Despite a dozen miss spelling in your writing, some repetition words apparently you have to deal with. let's straight to your possess

... others show a more conservative trend in the convintion CONVICTION that it is imperative to keep traditions alive.

In ordeo r to light this issue , it is better to consider the deny Iable benefits of technological innovations

Any of these options differentiateS from traditional methods of communication because enable people to exchange informations INFORMATION IS UNCOUNTABLE, SO YOU COULDNT PUT "S". in such a fast way or even instantaneously.

FEWER Less paper is used, less forestries will be cut. Moreover(,) REMEBER TO PUT COMMA AFTER MOREOVER WHEN IT BECOMES THE FIRST SENTENCE, LIKEWISE SOME LINKING WORDS Like, HOWEVER, FURTHERMORE, BESIDES, and SO ON the area of work was positively affected as THE teacher can show students tutorials ...

Additionally, workers from different countrieS can easI ly talk about their ...

In light of this , I think that technology

All of us risk to focus ON so much on the technology to forget ...

HOPE IT WORKS
Ra_fhli   
Nov 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK 1. How tourists obtain benefits and drawbacks from Fairmont Island based on survey's results [3]

The pie charts reveal information how tourists obtain benefits and drawbacks from Fairmont Island based on survey's results. Overall, it can be seen that the biggest advantages derived from the occupants, while the most common problems are high cost of living there. Both apparently almost have the same figures.

The main merit which tourists gain when visiting Fairmont Island is lead to by inhabitant at 40%. Despite that, the reason why holidaymakers to go to that place is thanks to the scenery there, representing at about 37%. While culture is the third rank influencing travelers to enjoy there at 12%, good accommodation still notices as the little advantages at only 11%.

On the other hand, the most common problems people worry to holiday in that place because of unreasonably living cost at about 45 percent. Likewise entertainment and food quality which are offered cannot attract the visitors. It is evident that 30% and 20 % people claim dissatisfied for those items. Weather condition just stands at 5% as the least disadvantages from the Fairmont Island.




Ra_fhli   
Nov 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / The pie chart informs what is interesting for Australian citizens and for new migrants - IELTS 1 [2]

GREETINGS!!!

LET DISCUSS TOGETHER.

FIRST AND FOREMOST. I NOTICE that, I found bullky mistake in your introductory. I hope the next term you can realize that.
in the first sentence you wrote that the PIE CHART, in fact IT WAS A BAR CHART.

A comparison OFpercentage of people who come to 4 different places by different people in Australia is presented in pie chart .

=> iF the task is a PROCESS, better you outweigh considering to use passive voice as your TS.
=> Here I'll try to make it NORMAL breakdown.

It might be like that : The bar chart reveals information regarding the places which always visited by three different types of inhabitant who live in Australia.

KEEP WRITING.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK 1. How a wind turbine designed and where the installation is placed [NEW]

The diagram gives breakdown how a wind turbine designed and where the installation is placed. In general, the wind turbine needs some significant materials to generate electricity, while the best place positioned is in the hill top.

The process begins when the wind attack the blades which made by the fiberglass or wood, consequently, the turbine rotate speedily in which it is driven by wind sensor to detect speed and direction of the wind. Meanwhile, generator has main function to produce the electricity base on the amount of blades rotation, computer to be functioned to monitor electricity produced as much as 1, 5 megawatt.

The best location where the machine can be placed is in the higher position of the coast so as to have a maximum wind strengths. On the other hand, the wind turbine also can be placed near the house. Those not only for the great energy sources, but also able to be utilized for domestic because of the amount just 100 kilowatts.




Ra_fhli   
Nov 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / The study-work culture in Denmark has always fascinated a lot of international students [7]

Hey YASH. nice to be treshold you here. let me try to give you some comments in your following essay.

At first glance, to be honest, when I read your first paragraph apparently your idea still untouch the point and still wild. However your grammar is quitely good. you might deliver your idea in the first sentence by enclosure the scientifict fact based on the rank of both countries or something else.

Here the good one; Denmark ranks 40 out of 215 with a literacy rate of 99% and ranks 53 in unemployment rate whereas India ranks 185 with 62.8% literacy rate and 97th in unemployment rate. you can start from this one, however too much number you serve in your writing also make the reader will not intersted.

Long long ago In the baygone era, there was a time when Earth was ...

The First and foremost thing any student would consider ...
Ra_fhli   
Nov 17, 2015
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 - the aim of university education [4]

Hy LUCY, Iam pleased to know you here. anyway I have some corrections regarding to your writing. Despite some miss spelling I found, also about some confuse words. It might be you just translate from your mother tongue.

The important one is you might forget to enclosure the question. Thus I Couldn't evaluate more. For the next time, I hope you can type your question since it is profoundly essential. So, we can discuss about your IDEA.

After graduate from high school, all most numerous people have been tried prefer to go to universities with a hope that it will bring them a to invest better career in the their future. Whilethey Some people beliEve intensely that e Insurance of a great job opportunities is the only benefit, WHILE others suppose CONVINCE that individuals and society gain worthwhile merits from attaining university education. In this FOLLOWING essay, i will aRgue both side of this issue.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 17, 2015
Writing Feedback / I agree that mass media should arrange the publicity of celebrities [3]

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singer or footballers. They should spend more time reporting they lives of ordinary people instead.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


The coverage which is given by mass media lately leaning to expose daily life of celebrities such as actors, singer or footballers. However, they are rarely to report the ordinary people. It is argued that mass media should reduce reporting the celebrities excessively and raise the proportion of little-known people. However, I would argue that media has immense influence in order to change public perception, simultaneously also to educate society.

The presence of mass media today, it depends on how much public trust given to them. Thus, they have to maintain their content so as to retain its image. However, it is undeniable that media coverage brings the positive and negative side. In positive side, they tend to expose well-known people such as achievement from the actors or popular athletes so as to society will imitate their accomplishment. At the same time, they also frequently blow up negative side from the celebrities' behavior such as broken home or alcohol abuse. Definitely, it is really dangerous for fanatic fans are likely to follow their bad influence.

Therefore, I firmly believe that ordinary people have a thousand inspiring stories which is more valuable to spread, even some of them have become heroes in their communities. For example, Haryanto, a person who success to discover electricity in his own village by utilizing river as a main source. Because of his worthwhile striving effort, the occupants surrounded them have been able to use electricity. This certainly are more valuable to be published to the society since the main function of mass media is educated people more.

All in all, I agree that mass media should arrange the publicity of celebrities since some of them just more showing bad influence for society. Otherwise, ordinary people should acquire high proportion because society need educated channel
Ra_fhli   
Nov 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK 1. The recruitment of foreign language teachers in Ontario from 2001 to 2007. [4]

The recruitment of foreign language teachers in Ontario from 2001 to 2007 is presented by the graph. Overall, people who apply in France language experienced the highest level while English Language witnessed dramatically decrease over the time frame.

It is evident that in 2001, the number of applicant of English teachers was the largest at just over 70% instead French language which was still below of 70%. However, over one year, both showed a downward trend about 55%. The far gap showed from 2003 to 2005, France teachers increased continuously around 70% while applicants of English language showed at just only 40%.

Meanwhile, from 2005 to 2006 the same trend again is served by both subjects; the number of people who enlisted in both major showed a downward trend. French language decreased slightly to 68%, but at the end of the period rose minimally to 73%. Whereas in 2007 recruitment of English teachers still dropped to under 20 percent, it was approximately by 45% from the applicant of French language teacher.




Ra_fhli   
Nov 15, 2015
Scholarship / Math and history. Each of these subjects happen to be my favorite. [4]

Hai Taylezz. apparently you have to pay attention with your organization idea. Furthermore, I also found some unimportant words you should reconsider to put it so as to make your reader flow to read your writing. Here my suggestion:

The subjects I have excelled in the mostare mathematic and history . Each of these subjects happen to be in which those are my favoUrite subjects. which since I think BOTH WILL contributesto how much I have succeeded in them . I AM HARD WORKER work hard and MORE pay close attention to what I am being taught, and Also I HAVE TO make sure that I take the WHAT knowledge I have learned and apply it to my assignment that I have been given.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / These days the health of children have become an immense problem to deal with [2]

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?


In order to keep healthy, prevention is better than cure. These days children's healthy simply have become immense problem to deal with, for this case, not only schools and parents should take responsibility to address that problem, but also some elements have big influence as well. In this following essay, it is worth-looking to discuss why I agree.

First and foremost, it is important to emphasize that parents and school should be re-cooperate to overcome children's health problems. The main factors basically caused by consuming junk foods excessively. As a person in charge, parents should be more aware toward their child by taking away for those foods, one way is by homemade foods in creative ways. Children certainly reconsider to consume fast food if they realize that parent's food still better. Furthermore, school also have big responsibility to tackle that problem by giving additional insight for their pupils, and providing medical checkup periodically.

However, I firmly believe that not only parents and school should be taking responsible, but also other factors should be considered. Firstly, Government, in order to maintain society's health, they should raise the junk food tax. Researcher from University of Bristol, Dr. Pauline Emmett reveals that about 65% of people's illness caused by consuming junk food regularly. Besides, Media mass also has big influence to encourage society through broadcast health advertisement. Moreover, health authorities should take responsible as well with ensuring every single product is simply appropriate on sale in the market.

All in all, I utterly believe that unhealthy lifestyle for children able to tackle by both parents and schools methods. Furthermore, some stakeholders also have big influence.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / New policy of working four days a week. Toefl TPO1: integrated writing [3]

Hi Chloe, I am pleased to know you here. Anyway let me give some additional comment for your writing.

-----may you can give a little "hook" or introductory writing to escort your reader flow into your writing. ----- Both of the passage and the speaker mention about the new policy of working four days a week. The passage claims that employers are likely to earn more money by adopting this policy. Also, the article suggest that the enterprises hire more workers so that they can to insure the same amount of job(Pay attention with the utilizing of the amount of and the number of THE AMOUNT OF for uncountable such as water, information, wage and so on, but The number of is used for Countable like people, and etc. JOB apparently is a countable, so the correct one is The number of being done. On the other hand, the lecturer refutes these points,because the cost of staff training, medical care, more computers and more office space will increase along with the new policy. (There is no VERB) After Because, SV. unless you use Because OF, it could be followed by Noun.

HOPE IT WORKS...^_^
Ra_fhli   
Nov 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK 1. Problem for people living abroad [4]

Iam sorry for my mistaken. Actually I have tried to enclosure the picture. Evidently, the size does not allowed and rejected by the system. I have known it just now.




Ra_fhli   
Nov 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK 1. Problem for people living abroad [4]

The difficulties of people's obtain when moving across in other countries according to people ages presented by the table chart. It is clear that, every typical age groups had encountered complicated problems, but learning the local language became difficult one for the oldest people.

It is evident that, those witnessed about 55% or almost doubled with the others. While, people who 35 to 54 just showed their weakness around 34%, the youngest people apparently less trouble in local language customization with only at 29%. In contrast, the oldest people seems easier to find the accommodation by showing the lowest percentage at 22 percent, while both of the older and the youngest aged groups almost had the same difficulties with 39 and 40 percent.

Furthermore, the greatest problem portrayed by young people aged 18 to 34 to establish a friendships in which those experienced by 46 percent. However, only 36 percent of 35-to 54-year-olds find it hard to make friends, while the oldest noticed a fewer percentage with only at 23 percent.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / It's just a myth that professors are the major factor to improve the quality of education [2]

Hi Vic, straight to your writing => actually your writing already good, but I have found your LAZY WORD in your writing, please do not use it anymore! in term of formal writing, you have to underline some forbidden words such as; etc, so on, e.g. It means, you seem lack of idea. If you do not have a bunch of idea, just mention one or two things, but make sure it is clear explanation. I think it could be the greatest path better than you attempt to explore your idea but it is not clear.

We could surf the internet to get Obtain information immediately, project a 3-D image on screen, use software to operate complex math question, and so on

HOPE IT WORKS.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / The pie charts present the amount of charity income and the way it is spent during one year in USA [NEW]

TASK 1. Revenue sources and expenditures of USA Charity in One Year.

The pie charts present the amount of charity income and the way it is spent during one year in USA. It is clear that, mostly source of revenue dominated by donated food, while almost all of the financing are used for program services.

Looking further at the detail, over one year, American people evidently engage themselves more focus on giving food at 86, 6%. Afterwards, they also believe community contributions is the second manner to donate their kindness with at only 10.4%. Meanwhile, in the big three of aid resources occupied by program revenue at 2.2%. Moreover, other resources are earned the investments just showing at less than 0.5%.

On the other hand, apparently USA people more consider to donate their cost in program services. It can be seen that the allocation of this source at 95, 8 %. Meanwhile, other sorts like fundraising, and Management and general both just share at only 4, 2%. Astonishingly, between income and expenditure sources seemingly is not balance, it is evident that there is a rest about $336,684 from totally amount of revenue at $53,561,580.




Ra_fhli   
Nov 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - Woodward University Map [3]

Hi Meli, here my advice for you so as to enhance your writing.

The maps showS the changed "Alteration" of Woodwards University spatialduring From 1985 until to 2015. Overall, it can be seen that the university has altered become most of the layout at present, demolished some establishments and replaced them with some new buildings regarding to the necessity {of the academicians} , much different from 1985's.

Hope It Helps
Ra_fhli   
Nov 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / A breakdown regarding the Attendance of student in four Senior High School between 2000 and 2009 [4]

A breakdown regarding the Attendance of student in four Senior High School between 2000 and 2009 is served by a table. Overall, it is noticeable that there were a significant alteration throughout of the schools. However Community Schools became interesting one to discuss because the trend witnessed slightly increase since 2000.

It is evidence that, Community Schools just showed about 12% in that time in which it was the lower percentage than the others, except Specialist Schools. Through 2005, the report increased continuously about 32%, and finally experienced the highest rate in 2009 with 58%. Otherwise, Voluntary-controlled Schools, showed the big percentage in 2002 to 52 %, but during the timeframe, it decrease by 32%.

On the other hand, the pupil from Specialist Schools portrayed moderate attendance with 24% in 2000, afterwards, that trend was decline until 2009 at 10%. Meanwhile, Specialist School tended to low level, it was 12% in 2002 and plunge to 10% in 2009.




Ra_fhli   
Nov 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / People often live in different, sometimes distant areas from the place where they were born - IELTS [4]

Hi Norman, let me give you some correntions so as to improve your writing. Dispate that, some miss spelling in your writing, also you have to pay attention with your newst vocabulary that you choose. sometimes those words make the reader confusing to understand indeed.

In the old days, think twice to use it words, some common words you may use to replace it such "Bygone" and so on.., generally people went through their life in one spot, but nowadays people frequenly move to living in different places as long as their life time.

I believe that both of matters have advantages and diadvantages .

Firstly, they have an orientiation to develop thier own spot ...
Ra_fhli   
Nov 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / The diagram portrays the natural process of Silkworm metamorphose into a moth. [NEW]

The diagram portrays how the Silkworm metamorphose becoming new one. Overall, it can be seen that the process involving 4 stage, and also requiring minimum about 8 weeks to transform.

Looking further at the detail, the first step is the moth produce it eggs in the nets. Afterwards, these eggs at least need about 10 days to evolve being silkworm larva. In this stage they able to consume mulberry leaf as a diet. Moving to the next step, this session might be taking a longer time than other process because about 4-6 weeks, the silkworm Larva will deformed become larva. At that time, they can protect themselves by producing silk thread as a shield from other creatures.

It does not take much time, only about 3 until 8 days, then the larva change to be a cocoon and again isolate itself about 16 days before appear as a new one.




Ra_fhli   
Nov 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - People can be happy if they have an enjoyment job [5]

hi M3li, I have read your essay, the way to serve your idea in your writing quitely good. Moreover, I just give additional suggestion for you so as to reduce your error in the next time. please pay attention with every single first sentence which you make. it could be better if you avoid use BUT in the first sentence, other words you should avoid is For, And, Nor, (BUT) Or, Yet, and So (FANBOYS). keep writing.

But However those things, are making people happy just in a particular time.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 5, 2015
Scholarship / Fast Food? sholud be banned ? - help me to correction or maybe add something in my essay. [7]

Hi Sharahma, your essay actually Adequately good, but you should learn deeply about linking word or word connection to arrage your writing well. despite, it will be better if you learn about some words are prohibitted in formal writing namely FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So). In addtion, you have to pay attention with not clear word like, ETC. the last, please use varietief word, you dont merely use "junk food" may be you can replace by other words or personal pronoun. Here some error that i found in your writing.

There are many kinds of junk food that we can find it easily such as hamburger, french fries, instant noodle, etc .

Junk food is not good for people's health because of low nutrient and negative effects. Therefore, junk food should be banned for the following reasons : junk food leads to many weights and health related problems, makes people addiction and trigger mental disorders.

First of all, junk food leads to many weight and health related problems.

... the rate of obesity in the U.S. for kids is expected to reach 42%".

So , junk food can be so destructive towards people well-being and makes people overweight.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / Sophisticated constructions in the city center is not merely give worth-looking for the society. [4]

Some people say that modern buildings are ugly and are ruining our towns and cities, especially when these buildings are very different from those around them. Others say that they add variety and interest. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Sophisticated constructions in the city center is not merely give worth-looking for the society. Numerous people argue that these virtually showing poor appearance toward that city, but others convince that a dozens of sacrifice building it could be make that region livelier. In this essay I will compare these issue and give my view.

With regard to, globalization literally has been escorting people to build up several monumental buildings with kinds of design. However, it is not mean that creating new establishment also replaced original form of that region. Many people believe that impressive architecture owed by one region would damage cultural character of that area. Consequently, local communities could lost their old houses as a symbol of that region. As an example, in Bali, Indonesia, the governments proscribe their society to build up structures no more than four storey because they believe that their prayer building (Pura) should be higher than others construction.

On the other hand, some people regard as remarkable building located in inner city will attract the occupant attention because of the unique appearance. Furthermore, it is also can be used as tourist's attraction because in a big city poorly beautiful place. Besides, the increasing number of modern building in one town is also symbolize of their prosperous citizen live there.

All in all, there are convincing argument both the presence of modern buildings in the central city, I would argue that cutting-edge design of building belonged to the cities, it cannot be restricted by traditionalist understanding, but it would be better if it mixed to construct the new buildings.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK 1. The changes in the layout of the Woodwards University. [2]

The maps gives breakdown regarding alteration of Woodwards University over the years from 1985 to 2015. Overall, it is important to underline that the number of building these day has a less number, but the area more to be vast compared to construction in 1985.

Looking at the detail, science laboratories in nowadays seem replaced three buildings related to exact science such as physic, chemistry and biology block. Furthermore, Library also has renovated becoming bigger than in 1985 in which it is facilitated by sophisticated technologies, as a consequence from IT Center. In 1985, Cark Park experienced two places, but this day these are demolished and replaced by shuttle bus, as a public transport in that collage.

Today, Woodwards University apparently show a wider place in which in southeast of the map, there is public space with academicians able to enjoy or just for walk around by footpaths area. It is also can be seen that the structure of admin building more efficient than in 1985. The newest frame initially can be drawn is establishment of Lecture Theater in which it connects with three main building.




Ra_fhli   
Nov 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / The Destruction of Our Own- I wrote an essay for my second year of college English class. [2]

Hi Selby, your essay is already good, but you get problem with S+V and also how to distinguish singular/plural. In addition plese, learn more about the usage of linkin word. Here some errors that i find in your essay.

The statistic of people using drugs is just as high as it has always been, drugs are the easiest and cheapest they have ever been, and the starting age for using drugs is lowering. While following this policy the United States has managed to become number one in the world for imprisonment (think twice to use this sentence, While always following by (While SV, SV or SV, While SV.

This is hurting the people that are just using. People that have a disease.

The media has made drug addicts out to be monsters and The make it seem like they are people that such as steal, lie, rob, and kill .

The people who participate in these facilities ...

I happy Iam Happy to say that New York City ...
Ra_fhli   
Nov 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / The Detrimental Effect of Modern Communication to Social Live brings also some positive values IELTS [4]

Hi, Mrs. Meli, your writing actually has good idea, but the way to serve it still need some improvement, espesially about punctuation.
here some error that I found.

There were a telephone line too, but they just used it for a short conversation, commonly to arrange a meeting or gathering. For , in term of academic writing it would be better if you avoid to use FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) in the fisrt sentence. someone in distances, they sent a letter to had conversations or gave informations (information's).

Hope it will help you more.

Cheers.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Some people say that tourism has many negative effects on the countries that people travel to. [3]

Some people say that tourism has many negative effects on the countries that people travel to. How true is this statement? What can tourists do to reduce the harmful effects of tourism on local cultures and environments?

Many countries which have beautiful tourism place is not merely obtaining a positive impact from the holidaymaker. They might be gaining many drawbacks such as assimilation of some culture, or the environmental pollution caused by rubbish. I do believe that this argument exceedingly true.

To begin with, one of the intangible thing is often neglected by several countries which have irresistible place, they tend to consider the positive sides than the negative impacts. Whereas, some people convince, tourism place also has some detrimental effects.

The common phenomenon that we can see around us is tourism place has already become one source to demolish natural culture in that region. It is because tourist around the world who came in those place have different culture. Also, by the increasing the number of traveler in that region, it leads to bad influence of the environment like the amount of rubbish mount significantly caused by the tourist.

Thus, the best way to decrease the negative effect that could be affected for the occupants or the environment, indeed the travel makers should maintain their kind behavior in every place that they visit like throwing garbage in its proper place. Besides that, those also are suggested before deciding to go to somewhere place, they have to look for the aiming countries in order to make adapted with the society. For instance, some countries might be do not allow foreign visitor to consume drugs in tourism place.

To conclude, I utterly believe that tourism place also has negative effects like broke up the original culture of the local society, and cause the environment pollution. On the other hand, the way to reduce that problem is tourists have to show good attitude wherever they are.
Ra_fhli   
Nov 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / Televised Talent Shows Have Become Popular In Many Societies. [3]

Televised talent shows have become popular in many societies today. Are these shows a good method of finding talented people, or are they just entertainment?

The greatest path to obtain popularity nowadays is through the television. Furthermore there is one program such talent audition in which it support someone to enhance his natural ability. However, these are convinced as a best method to figure out the skill ability of people or otherwise just a part of entertain the audience. I believe that this program virtually printed an eligible chosen people because of pretty tight selection, but it also can give society a satisfaction like moral support.

To begin with, the appearance of search talent simply ensure the best result because the process literally involve pretty tight method of selection. Starting from the criteria of judge election, at least they have had professional background. Consequently, they have high standard for choosing the best candidate. Besides that, this program also might be helpful people who have capacity in one field to evidence their ability in public. For this reason, they definitely will force themselves in order to show their maximum appearance.

However, this program, in fact has big intention from the society as people who register that obviously has remarkable expertise and it is certainly unique to watch. In addition, one reason which cause the program also really attractive to be followed because it has suggested the audience to determine the winner, while every person has different idol. Regard as this reason, the existence of that program still be kept because it makes the individuals attracted.

All in all, I think program which related to look for people's skill is the worth way to filter the best one because that program has already decided proper standardization. Although, it is inevitable that it also gives some improvisation so as to engage the audience to be more active.
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