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Posts by abdasyari93 [Suspended]
Name: Abdul Hasan Al Asyari
Joined: Sep 15, 2016
Last Post: Sep 22, 2016
Threads: 9
Posts: 19  
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From: Indonesia

Displayed posts: 28
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abdasyari93   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nadia Lopez: Why open a school? To close a prison [4]

Hello @mdamanhuri77, i got some advice for your writing

1. When Nadia Lopez openedschool , Mott Hall Bridges (...) purpose: Open school to Close prison. >> When Nadia Lopez opened a/the school , Mott Hall (...) straightforward purposein order to close prison.

2. I think, She has a coarageous idea. The location of ... >> I think, she has a courageous idea. Located in Brooklyn, the school is in one of the most slum areas in New York city.

3. However, now, at 98 per cent graduation rate and be going to several of the most competitivehigh scholls in New York City. >> However, now, at 98 percentof graduation rate becomesseveral competitive high schools in New York City.
abdasyari93   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Learn to understand of ourselves [4]

Hello @mdamanhuri77, I got some suggestions for your writing

Here my advice:

1. ... they do not know well about themselves.

2. ... see our potential and talent which influenced by ...

3. Humans should tend to perform themselves at daily life. (human = singular, humans/people: plural)

4. The study from University of California found that pupils' self-assdesment of intelligence (...) to IQ test result . Those vital thing that occurred was overestimated their ability.
abdasyari93   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary: Sees the Progress of Tuberculosis Treatments [4]

Hello @hanachi, I got some suggestions for your writing

Here my advice:

1.The preventions of Tuberculosis, can be avoiding other people by not going to school or work, sleeping by yourself , and masks the mouth, will help to minimize the risk or germs from reaching anyone else. >> The prevention of Tuberculosis can be avoided other people by not going to school or work, sleeping alone , and masking the mouth which will help to minimize the risk or germs from reaching anyone else.

2. In conclusion, must be keep the immune of body, the dietary habit, maintaining cleanliness of the body and environment, .. >> In conclusion, we must keep our body immune, dietary habit, cleanliness of the body and environment, (do not forget to put subject)
abdasyari93   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / How to Conquer Ourselves For Public Speaking [2]

Hello @agungdanprakoso5, I got some suggestions about your writing.

Here my advice:

1. Right now, i want to discuss related to video from TED that highlight about how to become confidence when we speech on the big stage. >> Now, i want to discuss a TED's video that highlights about how to become confidence when we speech on the big stage. (it will be better if you write more simple)

2. This is exceedingly important to be payed attention due to the fact that commonly many students and presentator can not speak confidence ... >> This is exceedingly important to be paid attention due to the fact that commonly many students and presenters cannot speak confidence ...

3. Singging in everywhere, anytime, and anyplace,it is good for learning spelling . >> Singing in everywhere, anytime, and anyplace, is good in order to learn spelling.
abdasyari93   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary of Article "Air pollution is sending tiny magnetic particles into your brain" (Clare Wilson) [2]

Hello @ifan21, I got some suggestions for your writing.

Here my advice:

1. nanoparticlesNano particles magnetic iron are less than 200 nanometresnano metre can be found in your brain, how come? .
2. According to Barbara Maher's study, t iny metal could be transformed to your brain through the nose ...

3. B ase on the research, (...) lived either in UK or Maxico city waswere examined
abdasyari93   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary: How to succeed? Get more sleep. [3]

Hello @ibal28, I got some suggestion in your writing.

Here my advice:

1. Arianna Huffington as a journalist and co-founder... >> It will be better if you write (Arianna Huffington, a journalist and co-founder The Huffington Post, finds out the value of ...

2. Wome n are more likely to ... (woman = singular, women=plural)
abdasyari93   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Story of a Mouse Deer and a Snail [2]

Once upon a time, the whisper of wind made a number of animals in a forest felt so sleepy. A mouse deer went to walk around the forest to find a river. As a mouse deer walked, he said that "who does not know me? I am a clever, smart, and brave animal in this forest. I can solve every problem". When he arrived in a river, he met a snail. He did not know if a snail was watching him. A snail knew that the mouse deer is the most arrogant animal in this forest. As a result, a snail challenged a mouse deer to make a racing competition. Finally, they made a deal to do that. Then, the snail arranged a strategy to beat the mouse deer by asking the snail's friends. The snail asked his friends in order to hide behind boulders and called them while he was in front of the mouse deer. When the competition was started, the mouse deer walked slowly whilst the snail swam into water. Boastfully, the mouse deer believed that he would win this race. After a few steps, the mouse deer called the snail but surprisingly the snail appeared in front of the mouse deer. Next, he quickened his steps to chase the snail. But, again the snail arisen ahead. Then, the mouse deer run faster to win this competition and thought that the snail left behind. Yet, astonishingly the snail won the race. From this fable, we learnt that don not to be arrogant with your cleverness because everyone has their own plus and minus.

Important - you must give more useful comments not to get suspended.
abdasyari93   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / (TED) Judson Brewer: A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit [6]

It is commonly known that everyone has positive and negative habit in their lives. It is triggered by our brain which stimulates ourselves to repeat the process. Unfortunately, it is so hard to control and break a bad habit to go away from our mind. This video provides the answer to deal with this problem. Judson Brewer states that getting curious, feeling the joy, and repeating these steps are the main key in order to break a negative behavior. At first, getting curious brings people to change knowledge to wisdom and makes them to step out their negative habit patterns. As a result, they are the inner scientist in themselves. In other word, mindfulness training is a simple way to break their bad behavior.
abdasyari93   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / The brief life of Circus from ancient world in Romans [4]

Hello @PHA2016, I got some suggestions for your writing.

Here my advice:

1. ... named Philip Ashley founded the first modern circus. ( Pay attention to regular and irregular verbs)

2. WeHe was a skilled rider who invented ... (pay attention in pronoun and the article)
abdasyari93   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Light Bulbs from Plastic Bottles, Water and Bleach [2]

Electricity is one of essential people's needs in order to support their routine activities. Most people utilize the electricity to be used in some electronic devices. Yet, over than one billion people live without electricity. Can you imagine that? In Nairobi, the Korogocho settlement is the first area which invents "water bulb" system to deal with the light problem. The youth group Koch Hope are the pioneer of this system. To develop "water bulb", there are some steps to be finished. First, a two-liter plastic bottle is filled with water and a little bleach. Then, the metal roof should be cut to make a hole and the halfway bottle is inserted into it. Next, the roof ought to be sealed to prevent the rain. In fact, this system has enormous benefits for people around it. Some people usually spent their money to buy kerosene to get light. Nowadays, they can save almost half of her weekly income. Furthermore, this idea gives another advantage for the other people. For instance, in Philippines, My Shelter Foundation is one of a nonprofit groups which has been inspired by the "water bulb" concept to get low-cost lighting solution. The head of this group says that the "water bulb" is better than candles and kerosene which can be used as an alternative way getting electricity.
abdasyari93   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / FACTORS INFLUENCE OF HAPPINESS - is it directly correlated to an economic success? [2]

Hello @BAMS14, I got some suggestions for your writing.

Here my advice:

1. Most people views that happiness is directly corelated to economic success, .. >> Most people view/consider that happiness is directly correlated to economic success, .. (pay attention in singular/plural verb, the word "view" can be changed by consider (just for suggestion).

2. This essay would like to describes both point of view. >> This essay would like to describe both point of view. (to +V1)

3. According to the phsicology science, human feel happy if their can fulfill their need, which corelated with economic factor. >> According to the psychology science, human feels happy if she or he can fulfill his/her need, which correlated with economic factor. ("human"= singular if you want to change it into plural you can use "people" or "humans"
abdasyari93   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Conditions of Water Supply In Indonesia [5]

Hello @pokpok16, I got some suggestion for your writing.

Here my advice:

1. Water supply and sanitation in Indonesia isare characterized by poor levels ...

2. ... 40 million people lack access to an improve water ..

3. PDAM takes the responsibility due ...

4. ... not only human need, but also a human right ...
abdasyari93   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / (TED) What Makes A Good Life? Lesson from the Longest Study on Happiness (Robert Waldinger) [2]

Everyone has their own definition about a good life. A recent adult survey stated that over 80 percent said that getting rich was the most important life goals for them and another major life goal was to become fame. In addition, The Harvard Study of Adult Development tends to be the longest research of adult life. The researchers of this study have spent their time to get the clearest description about teenagers' lives for 75 years. In fact, good relationships are the answer of this 75-year study because these relationships keep us happier and healthier. From this study, we have learnt three big lessons in life such as social connections, the quality of relationships, and healthy relationships which brought people to create a good life. It is contrary to people who had unhappy relationships, they had more physical and emotional pain in their life. So, how about your life?
abdasyari93   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Disabilities People With The Great Achievements [5]

Hello @pokpok16, I got some suggestion for your writing.

Here my advice:

1. Many people presumed has perfect body is the main things , whereas it is not the only one things . >> Many people presumed that having a perfect body is the main thing, whereas it is not the only one thing .

2. A lot of disabilities peoplehas many achievements, >> A lot of disabled peoplehave many achievements,

3. ..... the teacher have to support the children which have disability whether they gained the difficulties. >> ..... the teacher has to support his or her childrenwho have disabilities while they gain the difficulties.
abdasyari93   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Be Careful for Your Bike, The Thief Will Grab It [2]

Do you fond of cycling? Most people like cycling because it is a convenient way to keep their body fit. If you are quite fond of cycling, you must have a bike or may be several bikes, do not you think? Nowadays, you should be careful because there are a number of thieves who want to steal your bikes. As a matter of fact, approximately 1 million bikes are stolen every year in the United States.

It is generally known that some bike thieves are very discerning due to the fact that they only steal for expensive bikes. Yet, sometimes bike thieves are not quite smart. For instance, my friend Matt had a luxurious bike with a painted mark in collage. Unfortunately, it was stolen while he was in class. At that moment, he reported it to the police, but his bike could not be found. As a result, he begun looking for it by himself and luckily, one day he saw his old bike near the cafeteria. After investigating the location, a student came out of the cafeteria and Matt immediately took the bike.

At first, the student laid when Matt asked him about the bike. The student persuaded Matt that he bought the bike two years ago. Then, Matt will call the police directly if the student does not admit his lying. Finally, Matt grab his bike and rode home with pleased feeling. However, we should beware wherever and whenever.
abdasyari93   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / 22 Things You Didn't Know About the Olympic Village in Rio [4]

Hello @Fira28, I got some suggestions in your writing.

Here my advice:

1. When olympic 2016 in Rio De Janeiro in Brazil . A lot of various facilities. >> When the Olympic of Rio De Janeiro was held in Brazil, there were a lot of various facilities. (pay attention in S and V agreement and capitalization rules)

2. The common facility when olympic for warriors ... >> When the Olympic was held, a village was provided for the athletes as a common facility and it looked like a campus. (Pay attention in tenses and structure)

3. In there available a mini bank, post office, as well ... >> There are a mini bank, a post office and supermarket which support their convenience. (Pay attention S and V agreement. In one sentence, at least there are a subject and a verb)
abdasyari93   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Home-schooling: A Way to Educate Children or Seclude Them? [3]

Education is a crucial key for getting better lives and giving people to broaden their horizon and skills. As an essential qualification to find work, education is utilized to get higher salary and open many better job opportunities.

As of now, although some parents decide to educate their children at home by taking home-schooling because they are not satisfied with local schools, home-schooling has several negative impacts for children. Consequently, home-schooling is not a right decision to educate their children because it will make them to be an individual person and gives them lack educational skills.

Firstly, home-schooling only provides a little of social skills due to the fact that there is hardly no interaction in its learning process. It is caused because children do not know how to socialize with each other and get the social experience that school offers. Secondly, formal schools provide children to get a better overall educational experience because children will be taught by several different teachers. It is contrary to home-schooling that they only learn with a few lessons and teachers.

In conclusion, as the evidence shows, home-schooling is not an alternative way to educate children owing to its disadvantages. The current method of home-schooling causes children to be an antisocial person and getting lack of knowledge and capabilities. However, social values and wide horizon should be had by all students as their educational outcomes.
abdasyari93   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / PROBLEMS OF EDUCATION IN DEVELOPING COUNTRY [7]

Hello @VK WSSH, I got some suggestions for your writing.

Here my advice:

1. One of the problem is ... >>> One of the problems is ... ( remember that "one of" should be followed by plural noun)

2. they must to make money for daily needs. >> they must make money for daily needs. ( must + V1) or you can say they have much money for daily needs.

3. Second, in developing country has problem of education it cause the lack of number of schools . >>
Second, developing country has a problem of education because it is caused by the lack of number of schools.
abdasyari93   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Highlight of Introverts' Powers (TED) [2]

According to Susan Cain, she considered that introversion is tremendously different from shy. Introversion is about a way to respond stimulation, while shyness is about scare of social judgment. She said that nowadays, a number of institutions are generally formed only for extroverted people and it happens in schools and workplaces. For instance, most of teachers design the atmosphere of class to work by grouping in all subjects. It may become a merit for extroverted students, but not to introverted students because they prefer to work alone or by themselves. It only makes them feeling so guilty due to the fact that introverts seem like individual people. As a matter of fact, introverts have fascinating powers as their strong points. According to research, they have more deep knowledge and get better grades than extroverts do. In addition, they often show better outcomes to manage works completely in their workplaces.
abdasyari93   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Claims that the passion and perseverance contributes to a success more than a talent and IQ [2]

Hello @Iedha01, I got some suggestions for your writing.

Here my advice:

1. In fact she has found that grit which is a combination of passion and perseverance. >> In fact, she has found that grit is a combination between passion and perseverance.

2. Therefore Duckworth predicts success more reliably than talent or IQ. >> Therefore, Duckworth predicts that success more reliable than talent or IQ.
abdasyari93   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Older forms of Entertainment - the circus have been famous a thousand years ago already [2]

Hey @Alamsyah Ismail, I got some suggestions for your writing.

Here my advice:

1. Circus, the one form of entertainments , have been famous a thousand years ago. >> Circus, a form of entertainments , had been famous a thousand years ago.

2. But the society entertainment disappered when the Dark Ages comes . >> But the society entertainment disappeared when the Dark Ages came .

3. ... there was an native of Englang who establised circus again with less different appereance . >> ... there was an native of England who established circus again with less different appearance .

4. ... and parades of trained animals that waswere required by Louis XV.
abdasyari93   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Tourism as a Crucial Key for Promoting Cultures and Increasing Local Income [3]

Entertainment is one of essential needs for human's lives to kill the leisure time with their lovely family. It is generally known that everyone has different ways to spend their holiday by enjoying breathtaking views and stunning landscapes. Exploring tourist destinations is one of the perfect ways to deal with their time, so that is why tourism should be enlightened as an important aspect in each country.

Although tourism may become possible local traditional and cultures to be endangered, it has some other benefits for every states. Therefore, tourism should be developed in a number of countries due to the fact that it promotes local cultures and is able to increase local income.

First, as a popular leisure activity, tourism brings tourists to get new experience different cultures when they go on holiday to explore several places of interest. Furthermore, they can open their minds and learn to speak other languages. Second, tourism attracts tourists to spend their money in which helps to improve standard of living in local tourist attractions. Then, local people can increase significantly their income through local crafts, services, and foods. In addition, tourism creates job opportunities in accommodation and entertainment.

In conclusion, as a vital entertainment, tourism has several merits owing to its positive impacts. However, developing tourism should be maximized by native people and government to introduce and protect local tourist destinations and cultures.
abdasyari93   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Bill Gates tried to elaborate several problems that humanity is faced all over the world [2]

Hello @fadhilmd25, I would like to give some suggestion for your writing.

Here my advice:

1. .... quinolone as well as its derivatewere known as powerful drugs .... >>> .... quinolone as well as its derivativewas known as powerful drugs ....

2. Education was the other topic ... >>> Education was the other topics ...

3. The opportunity for better education only provided for high income family, >>> The opportunity for better education only was provided for high income family,
abdasyari93   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Technology as A Supplement in Education [4]

The growth of technology has significant impact in several parts of human's lives to maximize their merits. In this case, I want to highlight related to application of technology in educational sector. It is commonly known that a number of employees at the school should utilize technology to support their occupation. Although technology cannot replace teacher's jobs, it has some benefits in education world. Consequently, technology should be applied in educational institutions due to the fact that it makes the learning process more interesting, is possible for students to study everywhere, and engages students to perform powerfully.

First, in digital era, technology makes lessons much more attractive for students so it will help teacher to deliver his subject easier. Another reason why technology should be maximized is that it has flexible value for students to study at their own place. They are able to learn whenever and wherever for getting comprehensive access. Finally, even though technology cannot substitute teacher's position, it has essential role to persuade students in learning process effectively.

In short, the development of technology has a lot of advantages in education. Both technology and education are the perfect combination to support learning process in educational institutions. However, technology should be enhanced in traditional teaching wisely.
abdasyari93   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Imposing restrictions on the acceptable amount of trash may reduce the amount of waste [3]

Hello @gigiqarib, I would like to give you some suggestions.

Here my advice:

1. It is true that the less the garbage, the better environment, >> It is true that the less of garbage will make better environment,

2. Moreover, this is governments and municipals' duty to ... >> Moreover, this is governmental and municipal's duty to ...
3. lastly along with helping the poor , >> Lastly along with helping the poor,
abdasyari93   
Sep 15, 2016
Undergraduate / "Your perfect Monday morning?" Personal Statement Hospitality College [3]

Hello @sofiamaria, I would like to give some suggestions for your writing.

Here my advice:
1. I began reading magazines and watching T.V. shows about hospitality, hotels, real estate and travels. >> I read magazines and watched TV showing about hospitality, hotels, real estates and travels.
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