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Researching and writing effective scholarship essays (page 82)

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Why do you deserve this scholarship? serious attitude towards study

6 - Thank you very much, Kevin. At first, I thought showing my strong affection for the school a good thing...

ScholarshipAriel - Mar 2, 2010 / Ariel - Mar 4, 2010
"Role in America" (advice,opinions, suggestions needed)

3 - Thank You so much for the corrections. I appreciate it...

ScholarshipLuvdance16 - Mar 2, 2010 / Luvdance16 - Mar 3, 2010
Help--Dyslexic, struggled with learning disabilities

3 - Kevin, Thank you so much for taking time to help me! I REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate it. Yes,...

Scholarshipambajean - Jan 28, 2010 / ambajean - Feb 28, 2010
"criminal justice field" - educational and career goals-7500 character limit

2 - You need raw material that you can turn into original ideas about law enforcement; do some web research. ...

Scholarshipjuancuevas92 - Feb 26, 2010 / EF_Susan - Feb 27, 2010
Essay about Italian pride -scholarship

2 - Your essay is awesome, and definitely the best I've read of any essays containing the word 'pride'! I did...

Scholarshipshortyi3 - Feb 26, 2010 / EF_Susan - Feb 27, 2010
"The customers" : Subway Part-Time Job/ Topic of Your Choice

4 - Thanks Kevin! I'm sending my application in on Monday, and hoping for the best. Hopefully I can make...

Scholarshipnotylerhere - Jan 10, 2010 / notylerhere - Feb 27, 2010
I would try to take a similar route as James Rhio; Scholarship Essay

NEW - Modern Medicine and Cancer Healing I remember clearly the breakfast we had on the morning that my father...

Scholarshipmichaeldruiz - Feb 26, 2010 / — -
Olshansky Award for Originality - Original Poem

2 - The poem is beautiful and profound; I'll comment on the essay! On the first day... Instantly I...

Scholarshipmariah - Feb 25, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 26, 2010
James Rhio O'Connor ("diagnosed with leukemia")

NEW - My Leukemia Illness Challenge I was diagnosed with leukemia when I was eleven years old. My parents decided...

ScholarshipAlma Rodriguez - Feb 26, 2010 / — -
Linda Lorelle Scholarship Fund.

3 - Good, well you do seem to know what to write next, because this small hurdle REPRESENTS something. It...

Scholarshiplilangel1626 - Feb 23, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 25, 2010
Scholarship Question: Why Did you leave school, why are you coming back?

3 - ...expectations of my contemporaries.---- contemporaries is not the right word here. I think you could use "teachers" or "the...

Scholarshipafurgeson - Feb 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 23, 2010
Scholarship letter for my high school's college scholarships- engineering

4 - To advocate for something is to speak on its behalf. You should write: I advocated opted for the...

ScholarshipAyshaya - Feb 20, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 22, 2010
Studying mathematics - trying to get a intership and need revise

3 - This would be more impressive if you specified which degree you want: ...to approach a degree with both the...

Scholarshipmahoganye07 - Feb 19, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 20, 2010
Info about activities - how to answer without making it into an activity list?

3 - Definitely not. They are asking for your "whole person" here. They want to know everything you have done....

Scholarshipchat - Feb 4, 2010 / Ayshaya - Feb 20, 2010
career as a Pharmacist, scholarship Essay

8 - In times where sickness fills the earth -perhaps a little overdramatic. :) Why do you feel you should...

Scholarshipyung - Feb 12, 2010 / Ayshaya - Feb 20, 2010
Coming up with ideas for diversity essay prompts (personal interest, diversity)

4 - yah, many people might write about that, but if you make your genuine-ness and passion come through, it will...

Scholarshipggc340 - Feb 15, 2010 / Ayshaya - Feb 20, 2010
Speech in Stockholm during Nobel Prize Oxford Scholarship:Course/Scholarship's impact

2 - Eighth grader for clarity, put these 2 together: My friends dreamed of becoming James Bond, but I envisioned...

Scholarshipdinhhoang0802 - Feb 19, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 20, 2010
"Still Dancing". A life is not important except for the impact it has on other lives

5 - This is a good place to use semi-colons: I can stand still and go nowhere; I can - like...

ScholarshipPOME3316 - Feb 18, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 19, 2010
My eassay for master in inter trade law&finance. Is it good enough to apply for scholarship?

7 - I think what you should do is just sit back relax and then write it all over a again....

Scholarshipmyanne - Jan 24, 2010 / sineadkachroo - Feb 12, 2010
Working with an autistic preschool boy, is it an OK subject to write about?

3 - Yes, it's excellent! You should read about special education reform, and google this: Special education inclusion That way,...

Scholarshipwoahhitschelsea - Feb 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 11, 2010
When life throws you Hurdles, theres nothing to do but Leap

3 - Thank you so much for the insight! :) I turned in my paper... hope I get the scholarship. And...

Scholarshipchaotic_kiddo - Feb 3, 2010 / chaotic_kiddo - Feb 6, 2010
Curiousity helps me learn quick - Scholarship Essay (Diversity)

2 - Since first grade, every year, I either had to retake the exam or passed only with pas sing grades....

Scholarshipconheomap - Feb 5, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 5, 2010
hispanic college fund essay; arrived in the US and seeing hope

6 - Always write it again! But who knows if it will be better. Inspiration is a tricky wave to catch....

Scholarshipmcuriel - Feb 3, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 5, 2010
Need help in ideas for financial aid scholarship

4 - What?! Don't you have any ideas at all about your own values? If you have no real values,...

Scholarshipein - Feb 4, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 5, 2010
Positive impact in the world through your studies -How to analyse this question?

4 - Well, thanks for the idea :)...

Scholarshipchat - Feb 2, 2010 / chat - Feb 3, 2010
Weissman Scholars - A very important scholarship essay.

3 - I find your essay wonderfully refreshing! It's well structured and organized, as well as very inspiring. Good job!...

Scholarshiplimalex - Jan 28, 2010 / chaotic_kiddo - Feb 3, 2010
An effective way to start a scholarship-knowledge, obstacles, and experiences

4 - Thank You...

ScholarshipCollege Bound - Feb 1, 2010 / College Bound - Feb 1, 2010
Holidays: a time to celebrate or take precaution - Intellectual Topic Essay

4 - hello... I think you should change this sentence too : due to accidents on roads caused because of...

Scholarshipdilasha2010 - Jan 10, 2010 / niloo - Feb 1, 2010
Essay about yourself and why you deserve a scholarship (PhD in Bio Science)

3 - Thank you for those tips, I would put them back on the essay....

ScholarshipSyntrope - Jan 28, 2010 / Syntrope - Jan 30, 2010
experiences in voluntary community service, my answers for scholarship questions

5 - thank you so much :D...

Scholarshipxoxo - Jan 25, 2010 / xoxo - Jan 30, 2010
"to have a career that I enjoy doing" - What is your biggest personal concern?

2 - I think your first two sentences are too simple. Maybe you can cut them and make this your first...

Scholarshipryin2010 - Jan 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 29, 2010
When I Was A Child--Personal Statement

3 - Oh shoot that's still in there! I mean to delete that because I had a few uneccessary sentences so...

ScholarshipJS2010 - Jan 27, 2010 / JS2010 - Jan 29, 2010
a Program Aide in Regent West Adult Health Care Center - leadership experience

5 - Thank you Kevin for editing the title also. Luong...

Scholarshipconheomap - Jan 25, 2010 / conheomap - Jan 29, 2010
The internet is today's evolution

3 - The Internet is changing the world every day with newer, faster and better ways to do things online. ...

Scholarshiplibrasgurl - Jan 27, 2010 / EF_Susan - Jan 28, 2010
Essay about leadership experience based on initiative

2 - Now I am currently serving as a coordinator at NYCSP, and this has been my role since September 2006....

Scholarshipwongtongsoup22 - Jan 25, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 27, 2010
a speech on HIV/AIDS - a situation in which you have made a difference

2 - The steps towards the podium were probably the most challenging steps I had ever taken in High school, as...

Scholarshipthamusipuma - Jan 26, 2010 / EF_Susan - Jan 27, 2010
Travel to Europe - A significant opportunityand the impact it had on you

4 - I guess the only thing I can say is minimize excessive sentences, only say what need to be said....

Scholarshiplic12 - Jan 25, 2010 / jbd1992 - Jan 26, 2010
being somebody constructive in the world - Why do I deserve this scholarship?

3 - I agree. Almacubana, you did not mention how you would make a good college student... Well, you did...

Scholarshipalmacubana - Jan 24, 2010 / happyhourman - Jan 24, 2010
Lowe's: Converint to Ecofriendlyism

2 - nice description!! "Yuckkk!" I could not believe that I had talked... As much as I wanted...

Scholarshiplowcal - Jan 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 21, 2010
Scholarship essay - my main purpose/motivation for teaching English abroad

4 - nice... I could not find ways to improve it until the end! Here is my idea: ...confident...

Scholarshipbrittdeno - Jan 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 21, 2010
The first Asian House representative in United Sates, McDonald Scholarship Essay

3 - Wow i never knew a person would go this far for my essay. Thanks so much. Brilliant i call...

Scholarshipwhoau49 - Jan 19, 2010 / whoau49 - Jan 19, 2010
To work for WHO or UNICEF - 250-400 words on my vision for the future

6 - This is so great... as continue to read it, I see that the whole essay is very enjoyable...

ScholarshipThinLizzie - Jan 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
The Internet: Today's Evolution or Tomorrow's Menace

3 - Our world today is characterized by efficiency -- from minor things, such as making coffee in the morning, to...

ScholarshipNisha170 - Jan 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 19, 2010
Contribute to homeland: Wesleyan University Freeman Asian Scholarship Essay!!

3 - This part is where you go wrong, I think. ow about changing this sentence to say this: Wesleyan...

Scholarshiphahahaha122 - Jan 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
The real reason behind my choice of Colorado College - CC Supplement

4 - Well, this is okay as part of a narrative, but there is no limit to how deep you...

Scholarshipsalbazili - Jan 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
APIASF Scholarship- how you plan to help fulfill the needs of your community

NEW - In 500 words or less, please describe how you plan to help fulfill the needs of your community after...

Scholarshipkakashi1992 - Jan 18, 2010 / — -
"the great gift of talent in English" - Gates Millenium Scholarship Essays

5 - here is a little typo. Ha ha, tis is an interesting thread. Well, H.J. may have been...

Scholarshipvfudo1 - Jan 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 18, 2010
"People helping people" Scholarship Essay

4 - nice, I never thought of mentioning this site before. Thank you both....

Scholarshipreina92 - Jan 12, 2010 / reina92 - Jan 18, 2010
Ikea beds = hell (a time when you did something good alone)

3 - I would change the syntax of some of your sentences, so they do not always start with "I did...

Scholarshippalmtrees123 - Jan 17, 2010 / NTabachnik - Jan 17, 2010
Racism, Injustice (others were treated unfairly)

4 - ...my grandmother asking me to stop at a store on my way down to purchase a package of instant...

Scholarshipchuncky13 - Jan 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 17, 2010
My Challenge of being a Team Player (all kinds of sports) - scholarship essay

3 - first paragraph has some tense changes that go from present to past You say fear in the...

Scholarshipdanlee92 - Oct 20, 2009 / meisj0n - Jan 16, 2010
Math, science - Subjects excelled.

4 - I like the thought you express in the first paragraph, but you use too many words to express it....

ScholarshipNT159 - Jan 8, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 16, 2010
SOP for Scholarship (CS field)

4 - The essay seems to be lacking a personality. If you could include one story instead of the entire scope...

Scholarshipleonardo092 - Dec 26, 2009 / danlee92 - Jan 16, 2010
Math: Essay about the subjects in which you excel or have excelled.

3 - There seems to be a little lack in voice in the essay. A more descriptive detailed story of how...

ScholarshipKenny Z - Jan 9, 2010 / danlee92 - Jan 16, 2010
Medea from Jason and the Argonauts, Essay on One of the Mythological Characters

10 - Oh, ha ha... yeah, contributing is not really so much about being a skilled writer or knowledgeable grammarian......

ScholarshipEnvie - Jan 5, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 15, 2010
"the weights" - Bard College DSS Scholarship

NEW - Prompt: Write about a stimulating and enjoyable experience you have had in science, mathematics, or computing. This might be...

Scholarshipyf8651 - Jan 15, 2010 / — -
3 adjectives to describe myself & how i will contribute it --brief essays

2 - I want to give back to others just as people have done for me, I am really enthusiastic about...

Scholarshipu1004h - Jan 15, 2010 / yf8651 - Jan 15, 2010
Out of the Crowd

4 - He held his stare for what seemed like two minutes but felt more like two hours, though it probably...

Scholarshiplowcal - Jan 4, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 15, 2010
Cancer - JAMES "RHIO" O'CONNOR MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY

NEW - Diagnosed with Cancer If I were faced with the same challenges that Rhio went through, having been told...

Scholarshipjcicchini - Jan 14, 2010 / — -
Obstacles in my life (no father, sick mother, and diseases consuming my family)

3 - Hello I was going to say exactly the same as jeannie. I think that you should talk more...

Scholarshipchuncky13 - Jan 9, 2010 / tom8820 - Jan 13, 2010

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