Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2- MACHINES - POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE FOR HUMANS [6]

1) Thesis statement is simply a statement expressing your opinion. It is always good to conclude your intro with a sentence that clearly expresses your opinion because the prompt directly asks you about your opinion. For example;

I personally believe that machines offer more advantages to us although there are a few negative effects like health issues.
2) Here too, you have an issue - are machines beneficial or not? And your prompt asks you to express your view. So you need a thesis statement.

3) Well, the approach I suggested is the one that I found is the most appropriate one for scoring marks and managing time at IELTS or TOEFL. However, it is my suggestion and in case if you are not comfortable with that you can just leave it aside.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] old and young workers [9]

Well, let's see what I have to tell about this;

(hook) ... this hook is not so relevant to your prompt. Your prompt is about workers over 50 years old and you talk about the offspring, meaning a person's child or children. Read the description I have provided you on hook in one of your other threads.


.... this is your background statement and again it is not adequately explaining the prompt.


... this is not a thesis statement. You are not expressing your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: WAY TO REDUCE THE AMOUNT OF TRAFFIC? [8]


Well, you simply paraphrase the prompt for the background :)


Some people view that the only way to arrest this traffic issue is to reduce the need for people commute to work, education or shopping. (Background) However, I do not agree with this view point and believe there are other viable solutions for this problem. (Thesis statement)

Writing Feedback / Parent should acquisite skills of listening and taking care of their children [3]


Having good parents is a great blessing for a child.


.... this is not well aligned with your prompt and sounds like going a bit out of topic. Your topic is specifically focused on what you believe as the characteristics of a good parent and not about parents' perceptions. You can write well, but you need to stay with the prompt :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2- MACHINES - POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE FOR HUMANS [6]


... I find your last line is not adding any value for your essay. It is better to express your opinion in a more straight forward way. Follow this approach for the intro;

Writing Feedback / TOEFL integrated task, altruism in humans and animals [3]

The article discusses a fascinating topicsome points pertaining to altruism, a type of behaviour, which is considered the opposite of selfishness


.... well, in the first paragraph (intro) of the Integrated Task, you need to introduce what the article discusses and what position the professor takes. Is he in agreement (asserts) or disagreement (refutes the points in the article).

Here's an approach I found in one of those websites;
INTRODUCTION
Start with a sentence like "The article and the lecture are about..." followed by "The author of the article feels that..." Continue with a transitional sentence like "The lecturer disagrees/agrees with the article." Conclude with "He says that..."

BODY PARAGRAPHS
Begin your first body paragraph with "First" your second with "second" and your third with "third."
When transitioning from discussing the article to discussing the lecture, use transitional phrases like "the lecturer challenges these claims by stating that..." or "the lecturer casts doubt on this claim." If the lecture supports the reading, try phrases like "the lecturer supports this claim by..." or "the lecturer reinforces the reading by..."

Don't use boring phrases like "he says that." Try something like "he observes that," "he claims that" or "he suggests that."

Writing Feedback / IELTS: WAY TO REDUCE THE AMOUNT OF TRAFFIC? [8]

First of all, (comma, not a full stop - guess it's a typo :D ) public transport is a key factor to minimize the number of vehicles on the street.


... Well... here you beat around the bush. You do not introduce the background of your topic adequately. In fact you have not mentioned the core of your prompt -


... your prompt specifically says that it for commuting to work and also, it talks about a need and not a demand.

Writing Feedback / Women should work (paragraph) [7]


Sure... first, you need to tell us why you wrote this essay? What had been the purpose? IELTS? TOEFL? Mention your purpose in the title itself :) Then include your full essay prompt in the post so that we get a good understanding about what it requires from you.

For any essay, you need to have an introduction which would introduce the topic to the reader.

Undergraduate / Essay on leadership-its importance in diversity and importance of learning it [2]

You repeat "But as art" twice in your intro within short frequencies. Avoid repetition of phrases as they make the reader bored.

The world is not homogeneous, the world isbut diverse, and the future only leads to more diversity.we have to expect that future would be more diverse.

My family has always needed to work strenuously for anythingeverything we needed.

Scholarship / describe personal history, goals & how a college degree will affect you... [3]


My mother, who was unemployed and pregnant at the time, was put in a great difficulty as she was left alone with the responsibility of raising seven children.

However, my mother had a great work ethicstrong determination and perseverance where she sacrificedand she gave up all her jewelry, and all of her clothes so we cancould afford to go to school and get an education that she never had.

Speeches / Who do you want to become? [2]

[quote=Kaysaurus]That question comes up multiple times in our lives -some may know the answer, some may not. Everyone has a different idea of what they want to strive to become, and it's all possible.[/quote]... What do you mean by "and it is all possible"? I don't get your idea :(

We all face with this question so many times in our lives. Some know the answer, but others may not be sure. Each person has a different idea about what they want to be in future.

As I grew up, I eventually understood that no one can predict their own future and no one can tell exactly what will they be doing as they step forward into the real world.

Writing Feedback / Some people claim that technology advancement is a sign of human progress [4]


What is this all about? Is this the essay topic? For what purpose you are writing this essay? (IELTS? TOEFL?) You need to tell us what sort of help you expect form us, otherwise we would not be able to help you. In whatever case, you need to write your own essay and post it here for us to provide our feedbacks for further improvement. Here's the approach I suggest for you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: "Living a healthy lifestyle through eating" [8]

Ok, you can copy paste the line you want to attend for corrections in the Message block. And if you want to color a particular section of that line, highlight it and click the color (red, blue and green) on the menu bar (top of your Message Block).You can use these tools;

B - Bold
I - Italics
S - Strike off
All these tools you get in the Message block. Hope I answered your question correctly.

Writing Feedback / Television has comprehensive good effects on society. [4]


This is not a good sentence to open your essay. We generally call it a hook as the opening sentence needs to grab the reader's attention and arouse his interest in your writing. The hook should provide an impressive entrance to your essay. It should be interesting and catchy and essentially relevant to your topic and meaningful one as well.

Writing Feedback / The convenience and security enjoy more by the people who live in apartments [3]

First, mention the purpose (IELTS in this case) in the title itself so that others would align their comments more with the task requirements. I have already provided you an approach to follow for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : School expenditure in 3 particular year [3]

The pie charts showsshow the total expenditure of a school in UK during three particular years in 1981, 1991 and 2001... you need to maintain very concise and clear writing style for this task. And your tone should be more reporting.

chart shows (singular) / charts show (plural)
Overall, the highlyhighest expenditure is for had been for paying teachers' salaries, while in the overall year school takes least portion topaythe school has spent the least on insurance

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Some celebrities misguide young people& some guide them in right direction [5]


This is not the core of your prompt. It is about what kind of example that their glamorous life styles set on the young people. You need to read the prompt very carefully and understand it better. Then align your writing with the prompt :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Satisfactory level on fitness membership [2]


... Your intro needs better clarity;

The table givesprovides information about the number of satisfactory levels ofon both male and female members onthree different aspects of sports clubsmemberin terms ofsuch as range of activities, facilities and opening hours.

Scholarship / Essay on my financial needs - single mother and full-time student [5]

Sure .... we would help you to improve your draft. However, you need to do the first draft and post it here. Make sure you include the full prompt in your post so that we can provide you with more meaningful feedbacks as to how you could improve. ...

Also, you need to open a fresh thread for yourself for that. You cannot post your essays in others' threads.

Undergraduate / Reasons why you wish to attend APU - STUDYING ABROAD [4]


... I found some more fixes in what I suggested in my previous post.
I'll be able to work too by which I can cover my living expense to a great extent that would help ease the financial burden on my family


.... this second idea does not really go well with the first one. Make two sentences;
I always longed to continue my studies in a foreign university. Studying at APU would not only offer me that opportunity, but also would provide me with the flavor of regional exposure.

Letters / MA Information & Learning Technology Letter of Intent [4]


I am writing this to express my interest in applying for the program in Information & Learning Technology (is this a Master's program? If so you need to mention) that your university offers.

For the past several years I have been a corporate e-learning designer, developer, project manager and social learning architect for .

Writing Feedback / IELTS: "Living a healthy lifestyle through eating" [8]


Well, your prompt says -


... there is a difference between "very important" and "the most important" . When you say "very important" it can be one of the very important factors, but when you say "the most important", then it should come on top of all other important factors... You need to maintain a good alignment between your writing and essay prompt.

Graduate / Master's in Computing(specialization) Personal Statement, any commends? [4]

Let me also give my feedback to you;


I like if you elaborate a bit more about what your career goals are. By now you may be having something in mind and better talk about them here.


.... here you can also mention about the social factor - you would be able to network with people of diverse backgrounds and that will help you broaden your perspectives.

Undergraduate / CommonApp: The softening harmony of laughter gives me a state of comfort [3]

This is great feedback :) Hope you pay attention to the points that Didgeridoo has stressed upon.
My point is that this prompt circles around the word "PLACE", and here you do not refer to any particular place, but you talk about the people. I feel it is not a right approach. You need to have a particular place and it can be anywhere that you meet these precious people like the living area or the kitchen table in your house where your family gather.

Undergraduate / Reasons why you wish to attend APU - STUDYING ABROAD [4]

JapaneseJapan has a rich culture and well-known for their sound work and attitude ethics and positive attitude. Japan is also known to have one the safest environmentsto live.(stop here)and surfingWhen surfed through websites, Beppu is not only safe environment to livein but also an attractive city too. As it is a tourist area there are plenty of job opportunities, besides studying I'll be able to work too by which I can cover my living expense as much as I possibleto a great extent that would help ease the, it'll be less burden to my family financially

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing; I'm against providing more money to professors [5]

Besides, the ultimate purpose is to change, to motivate students to be better. To improve education, spending more moneyallocating more funds in the budget to raise professors' salary is inappropriate and does not serve the purpose. (anyway, this is your opinion which you already told the reader. You should not keep reinstating that in the body paras. In conclusion you can do that)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing: Handmade objects are more beneficial than machine made ones [4]

You can post your prompt now in the same thread and it would be really useful for us to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks as Pahan has mentioned.


Yes, you follow the right approach, good grammar and vocabulary too :)
However, you need to do more practice with time and bring your time down to 30 mins to be on safe side. Follow this approach (you are almost there) , it helps you manage time effectively.

Graduate / Graduate Excellence Programme - interests/ hobbies/ extra-curricular activities [4]

I strongly believe that Graduate Excellence Programme would be a great opportunity to gain a rich exposure and broaden my experienceperspectivesand it would definitely lead me to success in my future career.that would certainly be very helpful for my future career.


Well, these two lines do not provide any specific information for their questions.

Undergraduate / This is my personal statement prompt 1; My grandfather Lee [5]

It is good if we see the prompt. Why didn't you include it in this thread? If you post the prompt you would get more meaningful feedbacks.

Let me do some editing for you;
"My house is small, doesn't sitcannot occupy many people, and hasthere's nothing to entertain you."


... It is good if you tell the background of this project at this point to avoid reader's confusion.
This is grandfather Lee who is being looked after by a junior high school program since 1999. I was just one of fifty who has been assigned to take care of him.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: factor of choosing a career. [8]

... lol, having got three comments, you cannot really complain as there are some users whose threads just wait without any response :D
You are a lucky guy in that sens :D


Your opinion should be expressed clearly in your introduction. And thereafter you should repeat it in the body paras. However, you should reinstate it in the Conclusion :)

Writing Feedback / Government impose heavy tax on air traffic to reduce noise pollution [4]

One of the most conspicuous trends in the 21st century is the blooming of the aviation industry. It is undeniably true that tremendous increasedvolume enhancements occurred in the flightairline industry , which had contributed to incline of noise pollution and more airport needed to be built but the opinion of government should halt the air traffic by imposing a heavier tax is strongly disagreed .

The last sentence is way too long :( Also, be careful with using synonyms. You should use them only if you are confident with their meanings.

Writing Feedback / "water car" - If I could invent something new [4]


Don't have too complicated sentences for the hook. Write something interesting and catchy.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Why music is so important? It's indispensable part of people's life [6]

Well, you should have opened this thread in WRITING FEEDBACK forum which is the most appropriate forum for TOEFL writing tasks. This has been transferred from ESSAYS to WRITING Feedback :)

For me, one of the greatest pleasures in life is to sit down and enjoy listening t o some great music.
Well, you mostly talk about different component of music. However, your prompt is more focused on finding out why people find music is important.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: 'helpful bursaries' - Teenagers have jobs while they are still students. [4]


.... you write very well, however, I don't like the last line as I feel it does not add much value to your intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How to learn children more efficiently. Should they watch more tv? [2]

To begin with, classic teaching methods hashave been scientifically proven and utilized as the best mode ofto educate a child. Technology and its advance, to some degreesdegree , have influenced the educational industry positively. Nevertheless, it has not changed the importance of teachers' role in classes.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing; I'm against providing more money to professors [5]

University education is always an important part of one's life. That's why education in university is discussed all the time. What is the best way to orientate the students? Raising the salaries of professors so? I would say no. The professors are essential, however, the schools are established for students. Money should spend on facilities in school or update resources, which are beneficial to school rather than just instructors. The following are my opinions.

Better conclude your intro with a clear statement on your position on the argument.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - The option to work or study from home is advantage or disadvantage [7]


It helps working people to maintain a proper balance between work and family life. For example, a working mother can takea better care of her baby and work both if she works from home


I suggest you to have one reason per para together with a specific example to support the reason.

Writing Feedback / What is the best age to start schooling? [4]

Secondly, quality of the studyeducation in school is completely different form what is provided at home. Children learn skills and abilities which they need for futureslifetheir futureamong the other children so that make it best result because of rivalry and try to get better than the other.not just being alone, but by interacting with their peers. Moreover, nowadays parents work hard therefore they do not have time to spend on children's education. So school can play a vital role to teach them compare with school.

Undergraduate / Common App Transfer - Arriving at Equilibrium (Communications Major) [5]


... I really like these lines. They well portray your background :)


... this is not very clear... completely lost? You need to rephrase this line !


I too agree with MSKnicks91. . You have presented your essay very impressively and cleverly. Good luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / Not like my expected club; 'Art club is the best club I've joined' [4]


Well, there is no connection between these two paras :( In the previous one you talk about your disappointment and in the next para, you talk about the pleasing experience with that. You have to tell us how you (with the help of other guys) overcame the issue and made it more interesting place for you. It is important to have a good flow in writing. You need to present your ideas in a more logical sequence.