Writing Feedback / Some people think that advertising enhances the sales of a product that are unnecessarily needed. [2]

Reem, there are number of problems with your essay that have mostly to do with the way that you decided to discuss the topic. For starters, you opening paragraph is not only too short, but it does not do a very good job of restating the prompt, the requirements of the essay, and what your opinion or extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement is. The opening paragraph should lay the foundation for the logical discussion to follow in the essay. This current opening statement does not manage to accomplish that task.

While you present some pretty valid, common sense, and pop culture reference information in support of your personal opinion, the fact that you did not accurately develop the paragraphs in terms of clarifying your points proved to be a weak point in this essay. Always remember that it is best to discuss one opinion per paragraph rather than presenting two lines of reasoning wherein one line is fully developed in the discussion and the other opinion ends up becoming a mere footnote in the paragraph. Either you develop a long paragraph that deals with two lines of reason, or you write two separate paragraphs that will allow you to completely discuss each point. I suggest that you take one paragraph per point for discussion. That gives you the opportunity to show off your writing chops to the examiner in the best way possible.

Your second to the last paragraph is too short and cannot be considered as a part of the essay in any way. If you present something like that in the actual test, you will lose points for under developed paragraphs and incomplete thought process presentation, both of which are considered highly negative and will have an impact on your final score.

As for the conclusion, you should know that you cannot present your personal opinion as a part of the conclusion. Your personal opinion should be a fully developed paragraph of its own. The conclusion, should only summarize the discussion in the best way possible. That means it should wrap up the discussion in a manner that shows how well you are able to express yourself in English.

Writing Feedback / A lot of cultures worldwide obligate married women to stay at home to look after the children [3]

You have written a pretty solid discussion of the prompt you were provided with. Save for some grammar issues, the way that you developed the essay will be sure to garner you the highest possible marks for this type of essay. It will definitely score better than just passing. Now, that said, I should get to correcting your grammar errors for your future reference.

Woman WOMEN has HAVE always been portrayed in almost every culture worldwide as a warm and loving individualS whose most ... As such, a lot NUMBER of cultures worldwide obligate OBLIGE married women ...

... . where THE COST OF living costhave HAS skyrocketed in the last decade....
- Aside from the discussion as to how two salaries in a family can benefit a child, why not also discuss the way that two incomes helps secure the family's financial future in case of emergencies or household needs?

... means under-utilizing these women's creativity and intelligence. Some argued that ... to raise RAISING their children well. but I believe ... can haveA greater impact on the society. Marie Curie, Helen Keller, and Margaret Thatcher are just a few examples of women who had given a great impact on the world through their brilliant minds AND STILL MANAGED TO RAISE A FAMILY AT THE SAME TIME.

... the children's psychology PSYCHOLOGICAL NEEDS may not be well developed. They also argue that children that do not find full time accompany from their mothers may be felt abundant, and be saperated from the family, because they are not in close contact with both of their parents when growing up. THEY ALSO ARGUE THAT CHILDREN WHO DO NOT SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH THEIR MOTHERS FEEL ABANDONED AND SEPARATED FROM THEIR FAMILY WHILE GROWING UP.

... give up their jobs means under-utilizing these women's creativity and intelligence.

Undergraduate / "When you get to college and still have as much interest as you do now, contact me". Transfer Essay [4]

Hi Alex, I was wondering you are trying to answer a common app prompt with this essay? If so, can you tell me what the prompt is? I am not sure about how to advise you regarding editing the content and whether it is as prompt responsive as it should be because I do not know what it is I am supposed to help you do.

As it is, the only problems that I can point out to you have to do with the paragraph formatting. It is too tight on the page and needs to be spaced out. The topics for discussion also need to be given its own paragraph in order to allow the reader to process the information you are providing. While the essay does not seem redundant at this point, I sense that there are portions we can either cut down on content or delete in full. It will all depend upon what it is that you are trying to explain in the essay. I'll wait for the prompt requirement from you.

Undergraduate / U Mich Supplement:LSA Computer science and biology [4]

As of now, the essay makes sense in the long form. That means that you can still remove some words in the paragraphs if you take the time to rephrase the content. You told me that you will be switching some of the content in the essay around in the paragraphs. So I would like to have a look at your edited essay once you do that. Just so we can be sure that the clarity of the essay and the information you are providing remained on track through the editing process.

Basically, once you remove the filler portion and revise the content of the essay, I do believe that you will be able to place it into the final form already. All of the currently remaining information relate to the prompt and do not seem to need to be replaced or edited in terms of applicability. I would not advise you to change or add anything at this point because the content of the essay already makes it a good paper to submit. However, if you wish to do that, I'll help you make it flow better with the paper if you wish :-)

Graduate / Trying to find the right tone for MPA essay on disability. [4]

AS, we will always see your thread when you respond to it. Don't worry, you will always find help here when you need it. We won't stop helping you until you tell us that you have succeeded already :-) Now, for my comments regarding the content of this revised essay. No worries, the essay is has further improved but needs only a slight editing from what I can read.

Overall, the essay remains informative and very enlightening. However, you were being asked to discuss all of your accomplishments, yet you failed to fully develop the response to one of your accomplishments. I am referring to the line where you state:

I graduated with a drastically improved GPA and won my university's most prestigious award.

These two references should not simply be combined into one sentence in the essay. You need to offer a paragraph to explaining how, despite your immobility, you were able to improve your GPA. Continue the explanation to shed light on the university award that you received upon graduation. What is the name of the award? Why is it important to you? What does the award signify for you?

Try to add that paragraph to the essay and don't worry about the word count. I know it will go overboard. However, I would rather that you have an over the limit essay than one that lacks information. We can always edit the content. I will personally help you edit the essay down to the required word count when we reach the finalizing stage.

Undergraduate / "When you get to college and still have as much interest as you do now, contact me". Transfer Essay [4]

Hi Alex :-) It is really good that you were able to find some real world help at your school to help you with developing your essay. You were given sound and very good advice that you should definitely follow. the writing tutor is there to help you develop the best essay that you can. So don't think twice about using the advice you are given at the writing laboratory.

Now, while you have given me the instructions that you were asked to follow, I cannot really visualize what is supposed to happen to your essay content wise because I have not read the revisions that you were advised to implement. I would appreciate it a lot if you can post the revised essay here when you are done with it so that I can review it and maybe, just maybe, add some useful advice to the instructions you have already been given. That is, if you would still like to work with me here considering that you already have a writing tutor at your school :-) I am always available to help you out.

Letters / Email to my teacher for UBC references [6]

Hi Ethan, I am just wondering how close you are to Phil. Was he some sort of teacher to you? Why do you address him so informally? Is he a personal friend of yours? I am just interested to find out about these things because your relationship with him will set the tone for the request for a recommendation letter. If he is your teacher, then the tone should be more formal. Right now, I will edit the letter in its casual form. I hope that the casual tone will not be a problem for you :-)

Hi Phil,

Ethan here. I know, I've practically turned into a stranger since its been a very long time since we last spoke. Don't worry, I don't plan on becoming a stranger again anytime soon. How are you doing? I heard your life is going great. I am doing great as well. Just so you know, I'll never forget how much you helped me improve my English skills. I am finally getting decent grades in that class !

Anyway, I am writing to you because I have a big favor to ask of you. I'm graduating this year and I plan to apply at UBC for the regular term. So, they are asking me for a letter of recommendation and the first person that I thought of was you. I could not think of anyone else who has had as much impact on my academic life more than you. You have helped me become a better student and I know that you can accurately explain my strengths to the reviewer.

I hope you won't mind doing me this one favor? Don't worry if you can't do it. It won't change anything between us.

Best Regards,

Ethan Chen

You have two choices at this point. Use this letter if you think it can be of help to you or, use it as a template for your revised letter. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can let me know if the tone of the letter is correct first.

Undergraduate / (the field of dietetics) Tell us why you decided to apply to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. [2]

Lai, you need to imagine more definite responses to the prompt questions. Specificity is important when you respond to these sort of questions as all of these queries are meant to indicate the kind of familiarity that you have with the university, its course offerings, and the university community. Right now, your responses are alright, but can use improvement.

When you discuss the reasons why you chose to attend the university, don't use such general descriptions. Talk about the academic aspect in such a way that shows how familiar you are with the courses offered in relation to your major. Talk about some diet advancements that have been developed at the university and you have read in publications. Let them know that the reason you chose to study there is because that is the university that you feel best suits your academic needs, based upon what you know of their work.

Socially, don't just say you are willing to work with any of the organizations, clubs, or volunteer programs. Be specific. what your talents? What are your hobbies? Maybe you want to join the varsity squad? Talk about how your skills and talents can be beneficial to not only you, but the school as well.

Now, when you talk about the research facility, be a little creative and talk about some ideas you have for your future thesis development. Then explain why you think the university will be able to help you develop the best research paper that you can muster. The idea, is to let the reviewer know that you actually have a solid plan for using the facility. Not just that you know there is a facility you can use. Maybe you would like to be an intern or a volunteer at the lab or something. Whatever the reason, they will appreciate knowing about it.

Be as complete as you can with your information. This is the kind of essay prompt that will allow you to do that, so don't waste the opportunity to let yourself shine in your application.

Writing Feedback / The cause of increasing violent crime among youth generation [2]

Desy, you have argued this prompt in a highly informative manner. Your approach to the discussion is by far, the best discussion that I have seen regarding this topic in a very long time at this forum. You have taken into account the fact that the essay may be open to discussing other factors that could contribute to the problem presented and that, truly helped propel the grade of this essay to something way above average.

You were able to explain yourself clearly using moderately advanced vocabulary, which translated into a heightened use of sentence devices. These factors helped your essay, considering its grammar problems, become a well written essay just the same. There is no mistaking the fact that you not only understood the prompt, but you were also able to express yourself in an acceptable manner.

The only problem I found with your essay has to do with the conclusion. It is really an almost negligible error that did not affect the wrap up of the essay at all. However, for reasons based on technicalities, you should have included the teachers in the statement referring to the responsibility of the parents. Keep in mind that the keywords used in the prompt should be found in the essay response. Most specially in the introduction and the conclusion of the statement.

Writing Feedback / Receiving the formal education at young age can benefit young population [6]

Suwi, the essay would have been acceptable had you delivered on all of the requirements of the prompt. The introduction was incomplete and not acceptable because you did not specify which side of the issue you agreed with. While you did professionally present both sides of the issue, your opening statement was not only weakened, but also left in error because you did not present your support for a particular point of view. That was a prompt requirement that should have been presented at the end of the opening statement.

Now, as for the rest of the essay, you spent so much time discussing the two points of view that, as Wahyutri said, the content became redundant. One simple example and discussion for each side would have been sufficient. The reason this happened was because you neglected to review the prompt and thus, learn that you should have saved one paragraph or so for the discussion of your opinion on the matter. As such, this essay would have suffered greatly in the final scoring process had this been an actual test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - School Should Provide Formal Training For Students To Be Good Parents [4]

Muhammad, in this essay, I am not sure if you are using the right example. I seem to recall this same prompt being used as a practice test previously but the people involved were teenagers and not children. Are you sure you took down the prompt correctly? Somehow I feel like you missed something in the interpretation of the prompt.

You have a problem sentence in your opening statement. There is an incomplete subject presentation or line of reasoning in the sentence that indicates:

I also concur that such particular course is not significant and would not be useful because children will grow naturally and they will find their own to be qualified parents.

What exactly do you mean? The children will find their own what in order to become qualified parents? When the thought process is not complete, the paragraph does not make any sense to the reader. I suggest that you revise that line and complete what it was that you were trying to say. It is important that you do so for the proper grading of your essay. Your high grade all depends upon how well you can make the examiner believe that you understood and responded to the prompt in the proper manner.

Letters / Email to my teacher for UBC references [6]

Hey Ethan, thanks for the clarification. I really needed to know that because of the tone that needed to be used for the letter. However, as I consider the fact that you are both Phil's friend and student, the letter should contain a little of both relationships in its tone. You see, before Phil is your friend, he is first , your teacher. Therefore, the tone of the letter needed to be balanced between a formal tone of approaching a mentor and approaching a close friend. The balance of which, is the letter that I developed for you :-)

Like I said in my previous response. the letter I wrote is an example of how you can approach writing it. Consider the facts that you have to present and keep in mind that this time, you are not asking for a friendly favor from a friend. You are approaching him now from the position of a student, asking his teacher to help him. So accord him, the relationship necessary for the fulfillment of your need, and the proper approach towards this. You can't be too friendly in the letter because he is a teacher at this point and he is supposed to be talking about you from an academic, not friendly point of view. So start the letter in the tone that is applicable and respectful of the situation :-)

Writing Feedback / The air circulation in an accommodation, which affect room temperature and energy spent [4]

The diagram explainS about the air circulation in an accommodation HOUSE, which affectS THE room temperature and energy spent CONSUMPTION. Overall, most of the air leakS FROM THE in the main floor of the building, while in the attic, most of it THE AIR getS out from OF the house. In addition, lights cause the air leave the house.

... the air leakS into rooms t... the air goES in through... and by THE dryer vent a... electrical outlet room . ... there are loots LOTS of air leak in PASSAGE WAYS through the door and ... air come in by ENTERS THROUGH the fan vent in the wall.

Based on the diagram, ALSO ILLUSTRATED IS THE ATTIC WHERE in the attic, there are many A LARGE amount of the air which leaveS the room. The recessed light also causSe the air out AIR TO LEAVE THE from the house. In addition, the come in air will out from the main floo ENTERING AIR WILL ENTER AND EXIT FROM THE MAIN FLOOR, through the attic, to the outside ...

Don't start your paragraphs with the same words. These repetitions show a weak grasp of the English language because your vocabulary is limited to a few words to describe certain things.

Writing Feedback / Tolerance and sympathy are more crutial than a truth. [4]

Menglu, when you write an essay, regardless of how short the prompt requirement is, your opening statement should be longer and more informative than the prompt. Your introduction is very weak because of the way that you have presented it. There was no prompt restatement, no line of reasoning for discussion, no flow of discussion presented. All we have is your opinion, which will never be considered the full and proper content of an introduction. From that point alone, this essay has already failed the test.

The essay completely lacks a valid conclusion as your final paragraph only presents a continuation of your previous discussions. You cannot just keep on presenting information in an essay. In order to end the discussion, you need a conclusion. You have to conclude that all of your stated opinions are true and that it cannot be argued. Otherwise, all you have is an essay that is open ended. Which again, does not reflect a good writing ability on your part.

Writing Feedback / The Merits and Drawbacks of Take Break Before Continuing University For Young People [2]

I agree that you have written a very logical essay. The clear sense of what you wish to say in English, regardless of the grammar problems, indicates that you are becoming quite comfortable in thinking and writing in the English language. I would say that you vocabulary at this point is at the professional level but lower than the advanced status of use. The sentence development is also moderately advanced and shows how you have began to acclimatize yourself with the written word. Even with the grammar problems, I am sure that this essay will pass the test because of the level of English expertise that is reflected in your work.

Now for the changes:

... is better for youngsters HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATES to work...their study STUDIES at A university. However, there are several merits and drawbacks ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES CONNECTED WITH about this notion ...

These days and ages ,... and applying in IN ORDER TO APPLY FOR particular work to gain experiences. Firstly, they THEY learn to socialize widely in the working world and accustomed AND GET USED TO DEALING WITH VARIOUS PEOPLE to face various characteristic of other coworkers.They will involve with some problem and adjust to solve similar situation later. THEY LEARN FROM THEIR WORK MISTAKES FOR APPLICATION TO THEIR FUTURE ENDEAVORS...

However, there are some demerits of this NEGATIVE EFFECTS WHEN CHOOSING THIS OPTION FOR choice for adolescents TEENAGERS. First and foremost, as the world developed, some companies require A specific criteria ... This causes MEANS that they will not get any opportunity to get well-paid job... offered for collage graduators TO COLLEGE GRADUATES. Also, the most important point, psychologically, there is a best time for human to learn when they are CTHE BEST TIME TO LEARN IS WHEN ONE IS much younger so that they should not loss LOSE the opportunity to study when they can.

To sum up, the choice of youngsterS , whether they continue their study STUDIES or get a job first, ...

Writing Feedback / Being children means learning every aspect of life. The competition and cooperation is no exception. [3]

Muhamad, I have a sense that you did not totally respond to the prompt in this essay that you developed. You seem to have two kinds of line of reasoning going on in this essay and I am not sure if you are actually discussing it properly. Can you present the essay prompt in totality to us? the one that you have posted in the title does not seem to be the complete prompt. Which is why I have some questions about how you wrote the essay. Should the concentration of the discussion been on cooperation? If so, why did you decide to discuss struggle? Was there room in the prompt for you introduce such a deviation from the topic of the prompt?

What is the connection of competition with struggle? Why is the latter important to learn along with competition? The essay is not really very clear about the discussion. You are not using the proper keywords throughout the essay to clue in your reader as to how and what you are presenting as information. I believe that the essay can use some revision and clarity. Again, we need to know the actual prompt in order to decide about your prompt responsiveness.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The air circulation system in the 2-floor house [3]

This is not a bad example of how to write the report on the diagram. You were able to deliver a different take on the understanding of the illustration. The way you presented the facts are far different from the other essays that have been presented here. Yours has good mistakes, in the sense that you only need to worry about building your vocabulary in order to avoid your tendency towards redundancies.

Writing Feedback / Essay about encouraged young people to work or travel between studies [4]

Win, the opening statement of the essay is what reveals your understanding of the prompt, your logical understanding of the wya it should be discussed, and what you personal understanding of the prompt actually is. These are the main factors that the examiner will look at when deciding your initial essay grade. Therefore, writing the introduction in the proper manner is very important to your final grade. Let me show you an example of how to write the opening statement for this prompt. Perhaps it can help you better write your future opening statements.

In some countries like Europe and the United States, students who graduate from high school are encouraged by their parents and teachers to take a year off from academics before pursuing higher studies. They claim that the rest given to the brain during this period helps the student to better decide upon what he wants to pursue in college. That is because they get to live life and experience various adventures that they would not have it they go directly to school. Others say that working after high school teaches the graduate to be more responsible and handle responsibilities. Both of these arguments make sense for taking a gap year. However, I believe that there are other positive and negative considerations to be taken into account before one can decide to take a gap year.

At the end of that introduction, you can present your opinion if required by the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / Pursuing political science to find equality - USC transfer supplemental essay [2]

Tiffany, there is no way that this response meets the prompt requirements. You have given the reviewer an overview of the path that it took before you came to the conclusion that you want to major in Politics with a minor in Economics. Did I guess right? It was not really pointed out clearly in the essay. There is a need for you be very clear about the major and minor interests that you have and wish to pursue at USC.

Immediately present your major and minor topics at the start of the response. Keep in mind the word count that you have so that you can go direct to the point with the proper information beforehand. So indicate the major and the minor course choices. Then indicate the academic opportunities available for these choices at USC. Whether it be a particular class, a related organization, or an internship program, all of those facts will create the idea as to how you plan to pursue these subjects diligently at USC.

So, you need to revise the whole essay then come back here and let us help you better polish the new version :-)

Writing Feedback / Technology devices brings merits toward the users, particularly on their personal relationships [2]

Make sure that you use the correct words to describe certain aspects of the essay. For example, use the term electronic media when discussing the technology that connects peopled. When you say electronic, all you mean is that something uses electricity to power it. It does not refer to the electronic media that the prompt indicated. When you use the wrong keywords, your essay will sauffer due to the content becoming conflicted in meaning or usage.

While I agree with your opinion that electronic media brings positive effects, you should have balanced out the essay by indicating a simple discussion of the perceived negative effects so that your personal opinion would have been given a stronger position of discussion. Keep in mind that a balanced debate always requires two sides of the issue to be presented. In this case, since you were being asked for the extent of your agreement disagreement to the issue, discussing both extents would have helped solidify your presentation and garner a better score.

Writing Feedback / The obligation of official training for children, to become proper parents, is not working. [3]

While the essay you present is based on logic, you have not considered one very important piece of information that should have been included in the discussion pertaining to the reason why schools wish to educate teenagers, not children, about becoming good parents. Consider that there are actually young parents who are still teenagers that need to take on the responsibility of raising a child themselves. Then it seems logical and imperative that "children" be educated by schools regarding good parenting.

Also, consider the fact that there are many parenting books out there for parents to study in order to teach them how to properly raise their children. Don't you think that the existence of these books makes it logical for schools to begin teaching proper parenting as well? That way these children will not grow up blind as to what comprises a good parent. It can also help them recognize if their parents are good or not and they can do something about it.

What I am trying to point out here is that before you write, you should consider all possible arguments and pick the most important ones to discuss in the essay. Don't always go for the obvious reasons, These unexpected lines of reasoning are what helps to set your essay apart and impress the examiner into offering it a higher grade consideration.

Scholarship / College/Career Goals and Reason I Should be Chosen for a Scholarship [5]

Olu, this is a good start. It at least gives your scholarship essay a direction with which to flow in. However, the way that you discussed the facts of your situation were not really well thought out nor impressively presented. Your ideas are all over the place, and does not really reflect the one reason why you should receive this grant. Most importantly, you should not blatantly discuss the money aspect of this essay because that is already a given. All of the scholarship applicants need the money to sponsor their college education needs. It is my opinion that you should instead, revise the essay to contain more important qualifiers in your essay.

In the introduction, consider discussing how your desire to help in the medical field developed. Direct the discussion towards your eventual decision to attend medical school for the benefit of (insert here). The first two paragraphs should clearly explain why you want to pursue this line of study and what your immediate short term plans are. The long term goals can be discussed as a separate paragraph as well since it still provides information demanded by the prompt. Right now, you say that you want to be a pediatrician, good. That responds to the college and career goals. Then you mention that the first step is going to college. Wrong answer. That is already a given. Explain about your academic goals, such as going to college at Harvard Medical School for your internship or something like that. it is not about simply wanting to attend college. Present your goals and ambitions in life. That is what might set you apart from the other applicants.

It would be to your benefit if you can mention any savings that you have which you plan to use for your education, and any savings that your parents have which they plan to use to help you get into college with. Mention how you have a job or jobs that you hope can help offset your expenses. Then at the end of the essay, that even with all of these available to help you with college, you are hoping to fill in the budget deficit with the "help" of this scholarship.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : CAREER RELATIONSHIP AMONG WORKERS - officers' responses [4]

Anissa, you need to better develop your overview summary. It seems that there is more information to be given to the reader than what you have in your opening statement. Remember, a complete opening statement will create the logical flow of information presentation in the rest of the discussion. You just need to take some sentences from the second paragraph and add it to the first paragraph, then add some new sentences to the second paragraph to make it flow better and become more informative.

I wish that you had provided the image with the essay so that we could have checked for the validity and accuracy of your summary essay. At this point, I cannot really verify the claims that you are making, which makes me pull back on correcting the grammar of your essay. I need to be sure that you are presenting the right information. If you can present the image for this essay, I promise to come back and write a more accurate analysis of your essay and grammar corrections as soon as I see the image.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The advantages and disadvantages of taking a job between school and university [6]

Siti, in this essay, you need to keep the reference to the high school graduate from the college graduate consistent. There are many times when yo simply refer to "graduates" when discussing the work opportunities available to the high school and college level graduates. Therefore, you need to use the correct reference terms for each. For example, you can refer to a high school graduate as an undergraduate which is different from a college graduate. You can also say, secondary school graduate, which means a high school graduate, while the college graduate is often referred to as a tertiary graduate meaning having graduated from the 3rd level of highest education (college). The differences are important so that the reader will know which particular form of graduate you are discussing in reference to your claims.

Now, your discussion is good. It is based upon facts that can be easily proven. So the basis of your discussion is strong. The word usage is varied, showing a desire to portray yourself as an advanced English user. More familiarity with word synonyms and antonyms should help with the redundancy problem and the lack of understanding in word differentiation. Overall, the essay should have gotten a pretty decent score from your tutor if you had it graded.

Undergraduate / "Showing Leadership Capabilities" Essay for Transfer App [7]

Mario, your leadership abilities just don't come through in the essay. One thing that reviewers hate is when the applicants try to make them believe that you decided on something at an age when you could barely pronounce or much less, write your name. Anything htat starts with "When I was 5 years old" will automatically be viewed, not with suspicion, but perhaps, disbelief by the reviewer. So you will need to rephrase your opening statement. You need to automatically portray the foundation of your leadership in the opening statement. Talk about how you trained yourself or received some sort of training, through activities that led to the development of the aforementioned skill set.

In your second paragraph, you can then discuss SoMM and how you became an Education Associate. Outline your leadership responsibilities along with the title description and then transition that into your third paragraph. That will be the paragraph where your deliver an example of your leadership ability. If you want to use an incident when you were teaching the future music teachers, then go ahead and do so. Just make sure to complete the discussion in that paragraph because your next transition sentence should lead into the conclusion of your essay. In the conclusion, you can recap the training you received, the leadership ability you displayed, then imply that the skills you have will come in handy once you begin to participate in social activities at the university.

Writing Feedback / Some claims that planting the idea of competition in children's life is an obligation [3]

Fariz, the minute I read the first sentence of your essay, I saw a red flag that said "He did not understand the prompt!" and immediately, from the mindset of the examiner, I had decided to give you the lowest possible score for the essay. Keep in mind that you need to fully understand what the prompt is asking you to discuss and you cannot change the discussion topic just because you want to. The topic words in the prompt are the only keywords that must appear throughout your essay in reference to your response.

That said, the minute that you changed the prompt keyword from "competition" to "obligation", you totally changed the target discussion of the essay and showed a total disregard for the prompt requirement. While I will admit that the rest of your essay is in line with the prompt requirements, the opening sentence really affected your essay score in a big manner. The change of the keyword showed that you are not familiar enough with the English vocabulary to trust you to properly discuss a given topic.

Your succeeding paragraphs after the opening paragraph were prompt responsive. That is why I cannot understand how you could have made such a serious mistake in analyzing the prompt when you restated it. Please pay more attention to the way that you develop the thesis statement because that will create the first impression of your abilities with the examiner and also be the basis for your initial essay grade. A reconsideration may be given at the end, but the fact that you misstated the prompt is a grave error that might not be easily ignored in the final grading.

Writing Feedback / 'level of blissfulness' - IELTS TASK 1 : HAPPINESS RATING CHARTS [3]

... information about the blissfulness HAPPINESS level of individuals who have ARE EITHER married and OR still single, ...group, whereas . WHEREAS, a breakdown of the percentage of mated MARRIED couples' happiness based on the number of children THE COUPLE HAVE is illustrated in another THE SECOND bar chart.... In any cases , the bliss ...

To begin,THE happiness rating in whole THE OVERALL age groups of mated MARRIED people are virtually equal. ... are recorded as HAVING THE the highest level of blissfulness at 45%, while married people in the age 50-64 age group saw WAS lower by 5% compared... years of age is WAS just over 20, ... above 64 years reachED 34% of happiness rate.

... analysis of mated MARRIED couples' 'S happiness, ... groups, with A PERCENTAGE reaching 44%. ...

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK WRITING] The Comparison of Economic and Social Indicators of Four States [3]

You did not format the report summary properly. When you write yout thesis statement, you must provide a description of the illustration you were provided. Was it a chart? A diagram? A pie chart? A bar chart? A line chart? What? You cannot use the description or label of the illustration in the opening statement. The description of the chart is part of the summary overview. You also cannot say that it is important to be described because you will be describing it anyway. Actually, you don't even need to say that. All you had to do was transition into the informative paragraph that would explain the information found in the chart.

While your information sharing in the body of the essay is most certainly acceptable, informative, and highly professional in presentation, your concluding statement did not present itself in the same manner. You cannot have just a single sentence, regardless of its length, representing your conclusion. Instead, you should break up the long sentence into short sentences by using periods. The constant semi-colon usage makes the paragraph just an over-long sentence. So it is best to just follow the format rules and present the essay in its expected form.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - MASS MEDIA SHOULD PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ORDINARY PEOPLE [4]

Your paragraph in support of your point of view regarding the media attention being showered on celebrities explains your point of view in a very impressive manner. You were able to indicate the shallowness of the news media these days and provided the reader with an enlightening bit of information regarding the misplaced media interest in celebrities. However, you were not able to properly discuss the reason why you believe that media should pay the same attention to the normal people who make news headlines.

The example that you gave in support of your sentiment does not really offer any convincing information that will lead the reader to believe that your explanation is sound. The accomplishment that you indicated by the individual was not properly presented. Why should the media care about what he accomplished? What would have made his accomplishment a worthy news story? Why should the people care about his accomplishment? Those are but a few questions that could have supported your claim that there is a valid reason to expect the media to pay the same attention to extraordinary accomplishments of people as they do to the celebrities and politicians.

Writing Feedback / Receiving the formal education at young age can benefit young population [6]

Suwi, you understood what i explained to you perfectly. That was one very good introduction to the topic that you wrote. The way that you developed the flow of discussion and your transition into your next paragraph was quite good. However, I would not suggest closing that paragraph with a colon because you will be discussing a number of paragraphs after that. Try to revise it to close as a simple sentence instead. You don't necessarily have to present the information in chronological order. Just write a clear transition sentence and that opening statement will be perfect :-)

Here is a tip for better essay writing. Always refer back to the prompt as you progress with writing your essay. There are times when you become more focused on a particular discussion in the essay so you begin to neglect the other aspects of the prompt. Checking the prompt as you complete your paragraphs will remind you if you missed something. That way you can adjust the essay content and ensure that you will have completed all of the requirements as you progress.

Undergraduate / TAMK UAS - I want to become an Energy & Environmental [6]

Please tell your brother not to start the essay from his childhood. Reviewers have already repeated time and again that they want to hear realistic information about the development of an interest. They do not, for any reason believe that a child will develop an interest in such a complex field that he cannot even pronounce properly at his age. It is best to start the story at the high school level, from the moment he saw the newspaper clipping.

His prior education in high school or in relation to his chosen major is not clearly developed in the essay. I also noticed that he did not respond to the "experience" section of the prompt. If he does not have any work or internship experience in this field then he has to explain why that is so and how he plans to fix that problem leading up to his admission in this major at that university.

More importantly,while he has submitted information about his IELTS test, he did not give a clear evaluation of his English language abilities. He has to evaluate his reading, listening, and writing abilities on an informal tone. So if he can explain that he can carry on a simple English conversation, understand his text books written in English, and write coherent essays, he will have responded to the prompt. A nice touch would be for him to explain how he continues to develop his English language skills even after having taken and passing the IELTS. He has to prove that he is doing what it takes to learn the language that will be used in teaching his classes.

This letter cannot be submitted to the admissions team at all. He has to revise the content to better reflect the prompt requirements. He wrote a personal statement without considering the questions that he is expected to respond to. So the letter falls short on delivering the necessary and expected information to the reviewer.

Scholarship / Financial Obstacle - Irwin R. Sheer and Yvonne H. Sheer Endowed Scholarship [2]

Derek, the story that you tell in the scholarship application should focus on your story and the story of how difficult it will be for you to attend college without a scholarship. You can mention your parent's restaurant and how you have worked there for 7 years, how your parents finances have gone up and down to the point where you no longer have employees in the restaurant. What the reviewer will not care about is the story of your parents and how they grew up poor. Their story does not have a direct relation to your college dreams so you should not focus too much attention on their story.

In a schoolarship application, what the reviewer would like to know if you have personally done anything to help ease your financial problem. Maybe you have a saving account that you started when you were enter high school but it isn't enough to get you into college. Or maybe you parents have a college fund set aside for you but it can only answer for a limited amount of your fees. When you combine your savings with the fund, you still find yourself short. So while you will continue to find work as a college student, you feel that receiving a scholarship will help you perform better at school because of the less worry about financial needs. Make sure that you highlight your ability to finance your college degree by finding a job. However, you can only work one job in order to not sacrifice your studies. These are the lines of reasoning that the reviewers often take note of and consider when discussing the scholarship grants.

Undergraduate / "Showing Leadership Capabilities" Essay for Transfer App [7]

In the first essay, try not to discuss what you learned on the job because we are talking about your leadership abilities. Instead, focus the essay on your position as the project leader. Discuss more of the collaboration that you should have had with the other members of the team. Explain how you encouraged them to work with you, with the team, and how the sense of cooperation that you fostered helped see the project to completion. The part that you wrote about the special education program was also good. You need to develop that further to show the kind of leader that you can be, the one who does not see a weakness in his employee or team member, but rather, an untapped potential that you always try to draw out of the person.

As for the second essay, I am not sure that you are supposed to be presenting in it since you did not provide us with the prompt that accompanies it. I am not sure about the focus of the essay. Please provide the prompt that you are responding to in that essay so that I can better assess the work that you have done. I'll wait for the information since you said we have only a few hour to perfect both essays. I'll try to help you until the last minute. I'm on standby.

Undergraduate / Tell about a time you dealt with a problem and/or an unfamiliar situation. -UBC Personal essay [4]

Noah, you have chosen a very relevant and enlightening experience to relate to the reviewer in response to the prompt. The fact that the situation that you shared is something very personal to you allowed the reviewer to get to know the kind of person that you are. In fact, it shines a light on how you may approach any difficulty that you could encounter as a student. You will definitely earn consideration for that presentation.

I don't see any section of the essay that you need to improve upon or expand at this point. It is a well developed and discussed essay. There are only a few grammar issues that you should address. Maybe you missed these mistakes because of the rush in writing the response. So let me point those out for you below:

working as a pizza cook for my THE first time...
I was very eager to LEARN AND WORK during my training day.
... was unexpectedly taught the basics of ...
The instructions were thorough and the procedural forms were simple to follow through.
my first pizza came out as WAS a blunder.
that was built up inside of me didn't stop me from MAKE ME GIVE giving up.
Over the going process of learning how to make pizzas,

Undergraduate / Tell about a time you dealt with a problem and/or an unfamiliar situation. -UBC Personal essay [4]

I don't see why you can't use the word in this essay. It seems to fit the overall sentiment that you were trying to convey. A journey signifies an adventure in life that you are embarking upon. It is something that you should be looking forward to doing. Now, if you are embarking on a path towards a culinary career, then using the term journey works very well in the overall scheme of the essay. However, if you only did it as a part time job or as an aid in finding your career path, then maybe journey is not the word to use.

Should you wish to figure out if the word "journey" is suited to your essay, all you have to do is read the essay again, this time, with a critical eye. Try to see if the word suits the description of the events that took place and your actions. As the saying goes, "Life is a journey composed of adventures" so the use of the word and the meaning that it implies in your context all depends upon the story that you want to portray. I think the word suits the essay content, but if you have some other ideas as to how you want to start the essay, then go ahead and present your alternative sentence here so we can compare the two and figure out which one suits your essay best.

Undergraduate / TAMK UAS - I want to become an Energy & Environmental [6]

The essay still lacks focus, direction and a clear message that would properly address the various prompt questions. Let me take the information that you have here at the moment and show you a template of how the essay should progress. There is just too much information clutter in this current version.

When I first started high school, I was just like any other student who was unsure about what his future career would be. that was until I came across a news article about a farmer from my country who had invented an alternative power source coming from Sesame Oil. As I read the article, I found myself engrossed in his discovery and the process by which he developed it. Towards the end though, it seemed like his work was not going farther than it already had. I wondered aloud to my mother regarding the fact that the industrial benefits of the power source were not being addressed, she told me "That is the job of the future engineers. Maybe you would like to be the one to develop that technology further." I know that she was probably saying that in jest, yet my reaction to it was a serious "Why not?".

So as part of my future college preparations I I registered for the Natural Science category in High School and passed the entrance exam to go to the "Physics with Advance English" class. I also joined in different industrial trips in hydroelectric power plant and thermal power station to go inside the structure and operation process for my coursework projects. What I had learned was not much, but it was given me a clearer sight what I will study and made me eager to experience the working environment during university.

Having studied English for the past 6 years, I challenged myself to take the IELTS test as a part of my preparations for studying overseas. I passed the IELTS with a score of 6.5 in the summer of 2015. Something that I would not have been able to do if I had not immersed myself in the world of English shows, newspapers, and internet websites. I lived, breathed, and embodied the English language in order to ensure that I would successfully pass the test. Now, I am more confident than ever that my English language skills are of an advanced skill set that will allow me to accomplish my goal of attending an English speaking college abroad.

Use the template above to build upon your essay. Make sure that you add more information where necessary and develop any parts that are still lacking. I believe you need to develop the educational and work experience a little bit more.

Undergraduate / I was expected to work without sufficient training. [2]

Jenny, in order to better reflect the seeming hopelessness of your situation, you should better describe a specific incident at the workplace that left you with a big problem in this unfamiliar situation. Then explain how you managed to handle it properly even though you do not have any experience in the field of waiting on tables. The explanation that you gave is very generalized in presentation and does not strongly present a professional trait that can help you become a better student in college.

This is actually a trick essay prompt. The idea behind this is to have the student explain his work ethic while also depicting your ability to handle stress under pressure. When things get rough for you, what do you do? Make sure to explicitly explain how and why you handled the situation that way. Give the reviewer a clear idea of what to expect of you as a potential student. Keep your line at the end where you talked about mistakes being inevitable. That is a very important part of your life lesson that has helped you become a better individual and hopefully, an exemplary student. So make sure to keep that as your concluding sentence.

Undergraduate / 'Three-hour drawing contest'; Admission essay - What makes you a perfect candidate? [3]

Nhi, the way I see it, you have more than enough credentials to support the reasons what you would be a perfect candidate for FIT. However, I do not believe that you should start the essay with your fifth grade experience as that does not really relate to your interest in fashion. However, you should start the essay from the point where you describe your traditional Vietnamese family and how the boy figured in your realization that you had a natural calling for the fashion world. The story is much more interesting when you start from there. The ninth grade camp t-shirt design doesn't deliver the same impact as the basketball story so you can opt to delete that description in full. Just keep the information that tends to really create an impression upon the reviewer.

Now, try not to deviate from the topic of the essay. That means, you should remove the reference to the fact that you enrolled in architecture school at first. That is a topic that is irrelevant to the prompt requirements. Always focus on delivering the required answers, nothing more, nothing less. Don't offer any topics that will serve as a distraction to your consideration as a student.

Develop the reference to the awards that you won. It is of high importance to the prompt. So it should not be a mere mention as part of an existing paragraph. It should be highlighted in its own discussion space instead. Separate from the others. Develop your work experience as Fashion Q as well. That is one of the most important discussions in the essay.

If you are worried about the word count, all you have to do is delete the portions that I indicated above so that you will have additional discussion room in the essay. After you revise the content, the paper should be ready for grammar checking already.

Writing Feedback / Prejudice of Personality by Experience : Can We? [3]

... clothes which are worn by inhabitants PEOPLE represent their true colors CHARACTERS... This essay will discuss both notions OPINIONS. ,butI extremely believe that MY OPINION, IS THAT people should be aware to wear OF THE IMPORTANCE OF WEARING appropriate clothes according to the circumstances DEPENDING ON THE OCCASSION.

... protect our body from the environmentAL conditionS to become SOMETHING more specific like revealING PEOPLE'S residents' identities due to the fact that mostly, people will get c... will get complimentS from the others. In addition, ... , tenD to be tagged trustworthy. ...

However, publics THE PUBLIC cannot judge others just by looking to AT what they wear. The popular quotes QUOTATION SAYS, "Do not judge the book from BY its cover", should become the mind's program A PERSON'S MINDSET when someone meetS the individuals. ... prejudice of women WHO wear a sexy outfit as an "easy" WOMAN though that could be just their HER way to express themselves HERSELF. Moreover, there are various crime occurs such as deception of BY well-suited DRESSED people. ...until the criminals run AWAY with their money.

...Should consider the places to WHERE THEY wear their clothes.... In addition, residents cannot just deliberately appear with their styles regardless the condition.
- The last sentence does not make any sense. You need to revise it for clarity and logic.

... that fashion is has already become a significant part of our life LIVES, but the personality A PERSON cannot be judged simply by the appearance. The best solution will be for everyone TO adjusts their clothes based on theIR situation.

Writing Feedback / There is no excuse for authorities to restrict the unpaid public rights-education and healthcare. [2]

Sholihin, first things first. Your opening statement is confused, does not use the correct word descriptors for your essay and lacks a coherent message. Before you use the term "state" in description of a government, use the term "government" first. After all, the keyword used in the prompt is "government" and not state. it is imperative that you show the reviewer that you know how to use the keywords that were provided to you in the correct context. At the moment, your essay does not do that.

Self-governing means that the people do not need to heed the government orders and they do not need the govcernment's help in doing anything. Since what you are trying to say is that the government should "subsidize" the education and health needs of the people, meaning the government should make it free by paying for the services the people need, you cannot use the term "self-governing".

Now, going back to the opening statement, it is flawed because it does not accurately portray the line of reasoning or discussion in the essay prompt. You immediately open with your opinion discussion, which is a big mistake since it does not follow the correct essay format for the IELTS test. The opening statement should contain the following:

1. Restated prompt
2. Opposing view summary
3. Supporting view summary
4. Your opinion summary.

Then you can move on to the actual discussion. The conclusion is also wrong in the sense that you need at least 3 sentences to properly explain, summarize, and present your opinion on the topic again. The one that you wrote is not acceptable.