Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Students should apply for admission for their first choice or several schools? [3]


This task requires you to present an essay and not a direct answer to the question. So, it's better that you introduce the prompt first and then express your opinion in the introduction. For example;

Having accepted to a preferred college or university is a big dream of many students. However, students have different perceptions about applying for admission. Some believe they should apply only to their preferred college while some others believe it is a risky affair. Those students opt to apply to several colleges for admission. For me, I would choose to apply to several colleges and select the best one that comes through.

Writing Feedback / Describe the heart lung machine -IELTS [6]


The heart will be stopped / The heart will stop
"function" is a better key word that goes with heart;
The heart would slowly stop functioning while the blood pumped from the machine will gradually replace the patient's own blood.


The oxygenator functions as the lung while the pump performs the functions of the heart.

Scholarship / Caretaking experience has inspired me to pursue Nursing - SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY. [5]


It has inspired and motivated me to work in the medical field and make a difference in the lives of people around me.


This experience taught me the value of caring for the sick with unshaken commitment.

I feel you need to combine these paras into one. Otherwise, your response looks a bit scattered.

Scholarship / God has bestowed each of us a skeleton & a limited life;SCHOLARSHIP/ Microbio+Biotech [3]


...which will enrich my current knowledge and my aspired future teaching career at the university. .... hope you are already a teacher at a uni in your home country.


I plan to return home to take up my previous position and will engage in research and teaching with more knowledge and confidence .


.... this one is a bit too long. Consider rephrasing;
I wish to dedicate my life in an unselfish manner to the betterment of mankind just as the work of Robert Koch, Francis Crick, James Watson, Ruth Ella Moore, Stanley Prusiner and Alexander Fleming. The works of these great scientists keep inspiring me to help my community, nation and the people of world at large at my best ability through my contribution to the field of microbiology.

I find this is a well written response !
Good luck with your scholarship!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Bar chart (various flavours of food) [4]

That's just fine.... Those are good key words you can use in report writing. In this task try to have the reporting tone in your writing.


...This is not very clear... you better specify in which flavors women too follow the same trend. My suggestion;
The same trend can be observed with female preferences for spicy and tangy flavors.
Keep it simple and that naturally makes your writing interesting ;)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Wealthy nations have an obligation to provide food and education to the poorer? [4]


There is a huge gap between economies of wealthy and poorer nations in the world.


.... this sentence doesn't come nicely. You need to specifically say what this topic is! My suggestion;
It is a debatable topic that rich nations should provide aid for the poorer nations, especially in the ares of food and education.


.... you need to take this line to the introduction where you introduce your topic to the reader and then state your opinion. In the body paragraphs you need to provide reasons (one reason per para is enough) for holding that opinion and then support those reasons with specific examples.

Writing Feedback / Everyone has the right to education irrespective of gender difference [2]

Hi
You should include your prompt in your post so that others can give you more relevant feed backs.




First, in many under-developed countries, not all of the Government funded schools are offering free of cost education


can be borne.


.... this sentence is too long and hence does not flow well. You need to rephrase this.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree that the internet has transformed lives and economies? [5]


... it has already brought it. This is my suggestion;
Without any doubt, the internet has brought about many changes into the lives of modern people and economies.


.... your prompt does not suggest that some people negatively think about the influence of internet and claim that it would one day lead to a global village. It simply says that soon everybody will think alike. Always stay aligned with your prompt. Read it carefully and present the same sense it suggests.

Writing Feedback / Sapodila, was the name given to me when I was born; Essay on myself [3]


I am so thankful to my parents for giving me such a wonderful name.


:D ....Very impressive


When I was a kid, it was my grandmother who took care of me.


Playing the role of my mom, she taught me many things that made me confident of carrying out house chores at a very tender age.

Letters / Letter of Recommendation for International and Diplomatic Studies Masters Program [2]

This is pretty good... I only wish if you talked a little more about the candidate's credentials, skills and background as this sounds a bit too short in that respect.


... I feel you should not include this line in the letter. They would surely contact you if they have doubts. It is always good if you show your confidence in the candidate. So, I feel this sounds better without this line.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT: Integrated Essay, The origin of dreams, Freud vs biochemical approach [3]


Well.... it's pretty difficult to comment for integrated writing task essays because we do not have substantial material on which you have based your writing. However, this is how I generally advise others to tackle this task;

1st Para; Briefly tell what the reading passage suggests. Then tell whether the lecturer asserts or refutes the suggestions of the reading passage. If the lecturer asserts those suggestions, then he supports them with examples. If he refutes he brings up counter arguments. (mention about this fact too).

2nd Para; Pick up the first suggestion of the reading passage. Tell how it is asserted or refuted by the lecturer.
3rd Para; 2nd suggestion + Lecturer's response
You can go on like that .... :)

Writing Feedback / In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel before university [4]

Ok... this is your prompt;


and this is part of your first line;


You have repeated the same words in your prompt for the first part of this sentence. What I meant was to present it differently.
As I once commented, you write very well and can easily go for a very good score. Pay attention to the essay structure and practice with time as time management has a major bearing on this task. I wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel before university [4]


.... this is almost one to one from your prompt and that might work against you. Try to tell the same idea, but with different words.


... good sentence...it's lengthy, but nicely presented :)
Well... I guess you are preparing for TOEFL or IELTS. If that is the case, you need to manage time for this task very efficiently. So, I'd advice you to follow the four para structure with introduction, 2 body paras and conclusion (you seem to have these features in this essay). However, in your body paras you should restrict yourself giving just one reason to support your argument and then back it up with a specific reason. That's the best way to handle limited time you have for this task.

You write very well !
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS-writing a short essay to express why moves to a new house and how's that place. [2]


It's better if you start the letter with more intimacy as he's your friend and you could not inform hi about your move any earlier than this letter. This is what I suggest;

First, please accept my apologies for not being able to inform you about my move to College Square, which is within a few minutes walking to the University of Melbourne. It happened so quickly and I really did not have enough time to keep you updated about this development.

I really had a very pleasant time together with you in South Yarra and I am going to miss everything, especially the joyful moments we shared together. However, due to two reasons, I opted this choice.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Bar chart (various flavours of food) [4]


... keep it simple and clear;
The graph illustrates the preferences of different flavors of food by males and females in a particular month.


The data shows that sweet is the flavor that is mostly preferred by both genders over other flavors.


... before coming to more detailed descriptions, highlight one or two general trends. Then move to the other para to compare and contrast data with more specific details.

Try this website for help on essay structure for this task;

Writing Feedback / Will the Internet will bring people of the world closer together? [3]


During the past fifty years, there has been a tremendous gain of popularity of the Internet and online conversations.



.... this line has a few issues; grammar, presentation, clarity etc.
This essay is focused on discussing both sides of this argument.
However, I prefer if you state your opinion in the introduction itself and then support that opinion in body paras by giving reasons and specific examples.

Writing Feedback / Computers usage at school-level studies for children (IELTS) [8]


hey... I'm a woman :D...LOL

Writing Feedback / Mr. Heng taught me the value of HARDWORKING; My favorite TEACHER [7]



... this line is too long... that disturbs your flow. Also "guy" sounds a bit informal and since you talk about your teacher, it's good to use a more respectful tone.

Mr Heng is the person who influences me the most. He taught me the value of hardworking from the day one of our meeting at the tuition center. He was able to transform my lazy personality to a more dynamic and hardworking one. His influence helped me earn good scores in Science, the subject that he teaches me.

Undergraduate / Global Study Program ; Statement of purpose for an exchange program [3]


For many years, this thought remained unshaken.


At present, being a student in sophomore year in *** University, I feel it is the right time for me to realize this dream of mine and experience the diversity of world. Therefore, I find this program very attractive and fits with all my expectations due to following reasons;

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Children are under increasing educational, social, and financial stress [5]


In the modern society, the children undergo sever stress due to study pressure together with social and financial constraints. However, some people believe this has positive impact on their development.


I am not in favor of this view, as I believe such stress would not have constructive progress in their personal development.

Undergraduate / Next four years as a UC San Diego Triton is the best thing that could happen to me! [4]


at one of the top national universities in the US


I think what samathaaaj has written is correct. Well rounded means that well balanced in a range or variety of aspects. So, it's a good key word to use for this idea.

Overall, I find this is a real good response. It's neat and tidy with all important information to convince the admission panel why you like studying at UC San Diego.

Good Luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / Comparison of three hostels in Sydney [6]


... You open the sentence with inverted commas, but do not close it. I don't think you need to quote this line. Is it someone else's?



Therefore hostels become more and more popular form of accommodation among the tourists, especially among the budget travelers.


This report is aimed at comparing three hostels in Sydney such as Sydney Central YHA, Backpackers HQ, World Square Hostel in terms of location, price, facilities, services and transportation.



With 6 bed dorm choice, Sydney Central YHA is the most expensive choice which offers the dorm at USD 44.02 per person per night. However, Backpackers HQ and World Square Hostel offer beds at USD 33.54 and 35.64 per person per night respectively.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL IBT: Why people want to move to big cities to settle down? [4]


I intend to analyse this trend and present the major causes for this phenomenon.


... well... I don't say this is wrong.... Only it sounds a bit abrupt and wish it is a bit more detailed. This is my suggestion;

In the first place, I find that availability of job opportunities as the primary reason for people migrating to urban cities.


no less
Very good essay and you have excellent writing skills. You really don't have to worry about this task if you are good with managing time. I think you should concentrate more on integrated writing now :)

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Reasons for why people attending colleges or universities? [2]


... This introduction is a bit too short. Introduce your topic with a better entrance to your essay. Also, briefly mention about the reasons you are going to talk about in the body para. If this is for IETLS or TOEFL, two reasons even do enough. Take these reasons to body paras and support them with a specific examples;

The numbers of students who aspire to get admission to colleges or universities are ever increasing. There are many different reasons for this trend and they differ from student to student. However, in my view, there are (number) main reasons that compel most of the students to pursue a tertiary education.

Writing Feedback / "Success is harder to accept than Failure" [4]


did what? ... sounds to abrupt :(


I made the decision to prepare fo the test as I believe that it's the stepping stone towards my dream career.


Finally arrived the day of the examination.


... this line is a bit too long... better you improve its presentation.

Undergraduate / I grew up between two different cultures; Motivational Letter International Business [3]


Well... I like the way you have presented it :)


I happened to go on an exchange to Barcelona.


This was not only enjoyable, but also helped me gain a wealth of learning that included Spanish language, culture and international exposure.


My interest in countries and cultures influenced me to find a field of study that has a good fit with my interest.

Writing Feedback / Art, music, and drama should be a part of curriculum [6]


... people had different psychologies right from the beginning of evolution. So let's say this a bit differently;
People have different perceptions about what subjects that a school curriculum should include. Some of them argue that subjects such as art, music and drama are important to be included in the curriculum while some people feel that they do not have any value addition to the curriculum.

Writing Feedback / Ielst Task 1; Describe a bar chart on trends of International and UK students [3]



... it's a comma and not a full stop. Also this sentence is not written properly to give clear details to the reader;
The majors that both international and local students had equally performed well were the courses of nursing and accountancy.

Writing Feedback / Computers usage at school-level studies for children (IELTS) [8]



I completely agree with the argument that teachers should avoid using computers and revert back to teaching basic study skills.
Good introduction!


The main reason for abandoning computer usage in class rooms is the threat it imposes on basic reading and writing skills of a student.


Another reason is that its negative impact on students' eyesight.

Writing Feedback / IELT TASK 1: Percentage of male and female teachers [6]


.... This sentence is not well presented;
As shown in the chart, the female teachers have dominated up to secondary school level over their male counterparts. However at College level the percentage of both male and female teachers had been equal. In advance educational settings such as private training institutes and universities, a clear domination of male teachers can be noted.

You need to pay attention to the structure for this task. Hope the following website would help you understand it;

Writing Feedback / EVENT MANAGEMENT SKILLS ; LOGBOOK Entries from work placement [5]


.... by changing the order a little bit, you can improve clarity;
During the last month I was able to get the grip of the assigned tasks to me and become more and more confident working in a professional environment.


My communication skills too improved a lot and now I can speak confidently over the phone as well as in person. This has enabled me to handle inquiries from both the public and companies with ease.

Writing Feedback / LIFE IN A CITY IS MUCH BETTER THAN LIFE IN THE COUNTRYSIDE/ TOEFL ESSAY [3]


This is a too short introduction and you would not gain enough marks for this. Introduce your topic first and then state your opinion. This should not look like a direct answer to your prompt, but a well presented essay. This is my suggestion;

The place where we live is an important decision we make in our lives. Some people believe that city is a much better place for living compared to living in the countryside. I too agree with this view due to vast opportunities that a city can offer in contrast to a small town.

Writing Feedback / "Only once one has known real sadness can one feel true happiness" [3]


I firmly believe that without having experienced true sadness, one would not really feel what true happiness is.


.... you expressed the same idea earlier too. So, this sounds repetitive.


Relativity exists only when there are two things to compare. Therefore, happiness being a relative experience, needs to be assessed against the other extreme of sadness. ... Now have an example to justify your reasoning. Otherwise it would not be interesting for the reader to follow.

Undergraduate / MEDICAL SCHOOL: WHY DO I WANT TO BECOME A DOCTOR? [3]


My parents quickly rushed me to the hospital.


I underwent three surgeries and that was time I realized what it takes to be a doctor and what great profession it is.


Wish you presented with more emotions and feelings rather than listing out the jobs of a doctor. Tell it through your experience.

Undergraduate / Undergrad Study Plan for international school, Psychology program. [3]


I want to make a change, not just only with my own life, but also with my community, nation and world at large though my contribution to psychology.

Well ... I can see you write so good. But my worry is that whether you have answered the prompt adequately. They need to know your study plan and you need to work out on that. You need to have more emphasis as to what you plan to study there in this particular response. It comes pretty late and also too briefly.

Writing Feedback / Technological innovation is important / Reason [3]



These inventions have significantly contributed to better the living standards of people worldwide.


For me, I believe that it is the Internet that supersedes all other technological inventions in the modern era. It has brought about great changes in to the lives of modern people and the way they interact with one another.


Today, the Internet has removed many barriers, such as language, time, geography etc., in communication.

Undergraduate / Explore opportunities; Why Industrial Engineering at U OF T [5]


.... I feel this line is a better one to start your response. It's always better to convince them through facts rather than trying through statements.


.... this sounds a bit like boasting about you. You can tone it down by telling them what you did and about your experience so that they'll be convinced that you are a good leader. Try to highlight your leadership qualities through your experience in an indirect way to show them you are a good leader.


... again these, in my view, don't add much value to your response. Focus your writing on to what is required by the prompt. Why are you keen on doing engineering? How you developed a passion for that? What you want to be in the future? How your extracurricular activities helped you earn skills that are helpful achieving your future dreams?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends? [3]



What is the best way to make new friends? Is it joining a sports team, participating in community activities or traveling? My choice is joining a sports team


... You meet peers everywhere, but this gives you an opportunity to know them better and I think that's the difference. So, I suggest;
In the first place, joining a sports team is one of the best opportunities for students to get to know their peers better.
You write very well and I think you are ready for this task now :)
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS General Writing task 1; Letter to John - making arrangements [2]


You are writing to a relative, a known party, and therefore you should show more intimacy in your writing. First express him that you are happy to receive him;

I am so glad that you decided to visit us and I am really looking forward to seeing you soon at our place.
Now tell him your inability to be at home as he arrives;
However, I may not be able to pick you up from the terminal as promised because I have been suddenly called up to work on that morning for an urgent matter. I would certainly be free during the evening session and I have some plans for us to enjoy that evening together.

Writing Feedback / Do you prefer traditional house or live in apartment? [4]


... this is not a very catchy sentence to open an essay. The sentence would be more effective if you shorten it;
Everyone needs a shelter that provides them with security, ambiance and comfort. After all one should feel happy and contented at home than in any other place in the world. However, depending on one's financial capabilities, personal attitudes, tastes, commitments and requirements people opt to choose to live in either traditional houses or apartment complexes.

Are you preparing for TOEFL or IELTS? If that is so, this essay needs lots of improvement regarding its structure.