Writing Feedback / Television dominates the free time for too many people& prevent from socializing? [6]


Actually, you do not have to give examples in the introduction. Your primary objective should be to introduce the topic.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: part time job for teenage students [5]


The main advantage of part time jobs is that students can gain exposure in a working environment that help them learn valuable life skills that are necessary for their future careers.


... time management, communication skills, managing finances - all these are important life skills that one need to be successful in adult life.
You write very well :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Who should pay tuition fees for adults who are interested in university studies? [5]


Very good piece of advice by jon_snow. The hook is to hook the reader's attention and short and sweet is the best way to handle a hook :D


This is more than enough to get a good start. Now get to the background of the issue!

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: part time job for teenage students [5]


This is not a strong hook. This is a too obvious fact and therefore not so interesting as an idea. Your hook should grab the reader's attention towards your writing and it is the one helps teh reader to make his first impression about your writing. So you've got to be more careful with the hook.


Your prompt actually do not talk about other people's view on this issue. It asks about your view point on that. You need to align your writing more with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Negative effects of Globalization [3]


Everybody today is connected with one another with the help of some technological means.

Globalization has made economies to bloomblossom in a positive way.

Globalization has provided us with the means to interact with one another very efficiently , but (no comma here) unfortunately we have been so much involved that we are day by day moving away from our culture, norms and values

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The traditional skills and ways of life die out. [4]


Well, this sounds like an example and not a reason that you use to justify a particular opinion. Tell the reason first and then support it with a specific example (as above);

Modern technology offers more efficient solutions that help people save lots of time. For example, you can wash cloths much faster by using a washing machine in contrast to the traditional hand washing.

Writing Feedback / Driving education course before being licensed can reduce the number of traffic accidents. [4]

Your introduction seems to be ok. But it can be further improved by following this structure which dumi often suggests for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: The total number of minutes (in millions) of telephone calls in Finland [4]


I quite agree with dumi. This is very well written and I don't find anything to suggest you for further improvement. I really like the way you present the body paragraphs with details. That's very very impressive.

You are now ready for this task and move on to another task :D
Hope your exam is now nearing and Wish you Good luck !

Writing Feedback / Too many subjects or specialize in one, which is better? [3]

Knowledge is for people' s own benefit.


Actually, this is slightly different to what your prompt really means. It says that some universities require students to take up many subjects while some others want students to specialize in one subject. However, the above sentence flatly gives the impression that all universities demand students to take many subjects, which is not really what your prompt has said. You should align your writing more with what prompt says.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, Society will produce happy people if there's little gap between rich and the poor [4]


Well, it is not clear that how maintaining the justice would help reduce the gap between rich people and the poor. You need to give some reason that well justifies your opinion and therefore that reason must be very relevant to the topic. You've got to maintain a better alignment between your writing and what your prompt requires.


Your prompt does not ask how this gap can be reduced. I feel you have gone off track in this essay.

Undergraduate / "Who can say where the road goes, where the day goes, only time"; Hardship/Obstacle [3]

I like this , it gives a good start to your essay :)


... I would like to make a few suggestions on punctuation and sentence structure;
I being a confused and uncertain sixteen year old, it was time that found me answers for what I wanted to do, what my real passions and where I would be

Undergraduate / My first impression of an university [3]

I remembered vividly when I first stepped into this university for my interview, I was completely awe-struck by the cleanliness of the university. .... is it only cleanliness? How about its presentation? Cleanliness is something every university should maintain, but they may present themselves better than the others.

Well, you basically talk about the buildings, university environment etc. Is that enough for this task? It is good if you had included the prompt because we do not have any idea what it requires to give you more meaningful comments.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2. As children become adults their social behavior changes in some ways. [4]

Well, it is not actually about the length of your paras. It is about the contents. In your body paras, make sure you have a reason to justify your position and a specific example to back that reason . The size of your body paras seems fine. However, you can make it just 2 body paras, instead of three, that may help you with managing time. You write well and with some improvement on structure, you can reach your desired band :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2. As children become adults their social behavior changes in some ways. [4]

The greatest lesson children need to be taught is howto appreciate co-existence and co-operate cooperation with others.Very youngYoung children are rather self-centredcentered, but, as they grow up, they acquire the ability to consider others' interests as well as their own.


Include more specific examples to back your reasoning.
You write very well :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Words Speak Louder Than Words [5]


This is a poor sentence. It does not deliver your idea clearly. :(


...well, why do you say words are cheap? I do not believe they are so. Words can be very powerful - they can hurt you , insult you, motivate you, make you happy, make you sad etc. etc. You should say this idea in a different way;

Some people talks big and do not keep up with what they have said.

Writing Feedback / if you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor? toefl essay [4]

TOEFL Writing task 2 needs you to have an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion. In the introduction, you need to briefly introduce your topic and state your opinion (or in this case, state what person or event your holiday would honor). Then in the body paragraphs give one reason per para (2 body paras are enough) to justify your opinion. For each such reason give a specific example to support your reasoning. Then do the final conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Problems that overpopulation causes and suggest solution. [5]

In the twenty first century a rapid increase of population are occurred.did occur.

The increasing population of world's developing countries naturally is much higher than that is of the developed one.countries.


The main reason for this is due to higher percentage of uneducated people in the developing countries.

This is might be understood because people in undeveloped countrycountries are generallycommonly not considerate to provide theabout providing advance facilities in order to bringing up their children.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Good exam results at school or college guarantee success in life. [3]


What do you mean by a level examination?


... well, in my view, the exams do a little with regard to students' application of knowledge in real life situations. They promote students to focus more on the tests where as assignments get them to apply their knowledge. However, the exams encourage students to acquire and retain knowledge with them because they need to pass these exams in order to be successful in life.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The traditional skills and ways of life die out. [4]

This is excellent writing, but you have not completed the introduction. How about this -


You need to introduce the issue completely. Also, it is good to conclude your introduction stating your opinion though this prompt leaves you more room saying;


:D


It causes us not enjoying writing notes manually any longer.

Writing Feedback / The governors decision - the students should take part in competitive team sports [4]

This is because the number of students take part in team sports had been decreaseddeclined in the previewsprevious semester.

One of the main arguments in favor of the topicthis decision is that, taking part in competitive team sports will reduce the number of inactiveenhance the students' physical activenessstudents in our school.


Also this would help school earn a good reputation as an institution which is devoted to produce well rounded scholars.

Undergraduate / Home stay program in Japan - My hobbies, culture activities, sporting activities [7]

I have been seriously interested in chemistry since the first year atin secondary school.


....this sentence does not flow that well. Why you bring in your sister into the picture? That's not clear to the reader. Either you need to tell more about that aspect or you should leave that part out. Do you think it has significant relevance to your topic?

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Flowchart process of academic writing [6]


Hey, excellent intro and overview. You are improving a lot with this task :)

The second stage involves conductingdoinga research on the topic.
I must say you have improved hell of a lot with this task. This is really cool :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: How a thermos flask works. [4]

The picture below describes the components of thermos flask, which can maintain temperature infor several hours.

Hey, where is the overview. Just describe the main observations of this diagram in you overview for the reader to get an overall picture about what you are getting ready to report.


Instead of doing this at the end as a conclusion, you better bring it up to be an overview. For this task, overview is more appropriate than a conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. [12]

Well, I too have lots of confidence in that structure :)


You express your opinion in one of those body paras and I think it is really not a good idea. It disturbs the flow of your whole essay and against the accepted norm. You introduce the topic and express your opinion (you can do this in the conclusion too, but I vote for doing it in the intro) and then you move into body paras to justify your position and convince the reader about why you hold that position.

Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: how can schools help new students with their problems? [9]

Well, this is the definition I found for the campus;
Full Definition of CAMPUS
1: the grounds and buildings of a university, college, or school
2: a university, college, or school viewed as an academic, social, or spiritual entity
So, the general usage of this word deals with universities and colleges. I have never come across anywhere that called elementary school a campus. However, your topic includes the schools of all levels of education. That is what I tried to emphasize and I did it with a positive feeling to help you further improve your writing - not to look down upon your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; TV programmes are transmitted throughout the day and night [4]

There is no denying toabout the fact that watching television can be beneficial both tofor work and entertainment. Comprehensive knowledge can be gained from watching various programs without incurring any payment onpaying for any coursescourse,such asFor example, one may acquire business knowledge from BBC business news and outdoor knowledge from documentaries, which can be useful if applied to work . For its entertainment function,Further, TV is not only a nice way to relax, but also a good alternative to enlighten one's mood. By watching comedies, one can putforget worries aside for the moment, which can further benefit one's health in the long-term.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Number of students attending three courses from 2001 to 2004 [3]


This is to assess your report writing skills and therefore you need to adopt a more formal tone in your writing. Avoid phrases like "First of all", "To begin with" etc., which are more appropriate for the IELTS Task 2. In this task you should present the facts and details more concisely and clearly in manner of reporting them to your reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 Essay: Chorleywood Village development [3]


Yes, I too agree. Overview is more important than a conclusion which is actually not necessary for this task, The reason is that conclusion is really a final judgement, decision or opinion which is more appropriate for the IELTS Task 2. However, the Task 1 asks you to write a description without analysis or opinions and there is no necessity for a conclusion. I personally feel it is good to tell the reader the main features of the graph or chart at the beginning of your essay by providing an overview.

Writing Feedback / attending in university [4]

Well, there is no doubt you can write very well. However, I have a feeling that you may have run out of time because your essay seems to be pretty long. If you have done this as a practice test for IETLS or TOEFL, then you have to be mindful about the time factor a lot. If this is for such purpose, stick to the 4 para structure that includes the Intro, 2 body paras and conclusion.

Writing Feedback / Public health is a big issue. Government can play an important role in improving it. [3]


Your topic suggests that you have written this fro either IELTS or TOEFL :D
However, I wish you pay a little more attention to your essay structure.

Scholarship / I need some advices on ideas - Why should I be awarded with this grant? [4]

I think everyone of us remember that time when a nursery school teacher askedhad answered the question, 'Who would you like to be in the future?", at some point of life.For some it was a simple question, for someHowever, for me, it was anextremely difficult question to answer. As a six years old boy I replied straight away: 'I want to be a designer', whether I knew what it meant or not. To be honest, I said that probably because I just liked the word 'designer', completely unaware that this simple sentenceword would be a self-fulfilling prophecy in the future.

Scholarship / Self Introduction- My name is Huong and my major is Investment [3]


I am Huong and I'm majoring in Investment.


.... what do you mean by "to help a better place"? That part is not very clear :(


In addition to my involvement with university academics, I had myself engaged in extracurricular activities too.


"Mind Sharing" was one such activity which was organized by the International Youth Fellowship (IYF), a Korean based organization.

Undergraduate / The reason why do you want to apply Elms College. [2]


By reading the above, I felt that you intend to tell them you have experience in studying in foreign countries and adapting to new study environments. However, it is not very prominently said above. This is what I suggest;

I have gained exposure in studying overseas since very young; After having my elementary level education in Japan, I moved into Korea to where I completed both middle school and high school studies. I lived in the dormitory named world student garden where almost 130 Japanese teens were boarded. After seven years of education in Korea, I was given three choices; study either in Korea, Japan or the USA.

Writing Feedback / University students should be required to attend class; 'skipping some boring' [3]

As dumi mentioned above, you need to do more work on improving your grammar. The best way is to construct simple and short sentences.

Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: how can schools help new students with their problems? [9]


Well, every school is not a campus. Generally campus is where the students pursue their tertiary education. The term school is generally referred to primary and secondary institutions. Since your prompt talks about a school, it is better you do not disturb its scope. In other words, it's better you didn't use the word "campus".


... there is some repetition. You can say;
For the freshers, they do not have much knowledge or idea about the new school or its students.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Working people are busy -don't have time for family and friends; severe consequences [5]


I wish you split this sentence into two. You write pretty well, but your sentences tend to be a bit too long. That disturbs the clarity and flow of your writing !


....well, the first part sounds a bit too technical :D
Limitations in the time spent with family and friends may have severe negative consequences for both the individuals and society.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - teach every young person how to be a good parent [4]


well, your body paragraphs should contain reasons that helps you justify your opinion on the issue. Then you also must support them with specific examples.

Writing Feedback / Learning from experience or from book, TOEFL [6]

Your overall essay structure too needs improvement. It looks pretty bulky and I am sure you would have run out of time. I strongly suggest you to follow the four para structure for this task (this is what dumi suggests ).

Writing Feedback / What is your approach to problem-solving, and how does it work for you? [4]


As I mentioned above, when I face a serious problem I begin to panic at first. However, like almost everybody, I too would have a way to calm down myself. It is that going to my favorite cafe and sip a cup of coffee while listening to the music. This method may not work with others, but it has effectively worked for me every time I had an issue.


I too feel the same way. You write well, but pay attention to what nightmare2k points out.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: History a fascinating subject. [3]

I feel you do not come up with strong arguments why history fascinates some people. You say it is so, but do not provide why they feel it that way. You need to say some reasons . May be you can say that those guys find history as a subject which teach them lessons from past so that they can face their present and future problems better with the lessons learned from past experiences.