Writing Feedback / IELTS: all parents should take children training courses [5]


Great beginning :)


... what do you mean by "as well as possible"? It sounds confusing :(


.... This this a current argument and therefore you should keep it in present tense.


.... you need to have a link with the previous sentence;
These courses enhance the confidence level of parents as to how they should deal with particular situations in child rearing.
"child rearing" is a good key word for this topic which describes the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood.

Grammar, Usage / Reflection (the film by Wolfgang Becker "Good Bye Lenin") [4]

Sorry.... I'm a little late :)


The XX century can be called the peak of communism


During this century, as a result of Lenin's great contribution, the ideology of Marks and Engels began to spread into societies.


Capitalism was predominant in West Germany whereas Communism dominated in the East.

Graduate / MPA/MAAA Personal Statement: Impact of the Tohoku Earthquake/Tsunami [2]


Awesome beginning.... very good :)


I wish if you had been more descriptive about winning acceptance to JET... How competitive was that? What were the efforts you made? etc.... Because they specifically ask you to talk about your accomplishments. However, you have well presented how they have prepared you for graduate study :)

You have written very well.... All the best!

Undergraduate / Caring for my sick father / Wanted-Life-Long Career in Nursing [3]


The part I highlighted disturbs your flow :( ... I guess you worked full time after college .... This is my suggestion;
I was very keen on pursuing nursing degree after my high school graduation. However, I needed to work full time .....( tell some valid reason why you worked full time and did not pursue your nursing dream )


... don't say little inspiration; it makes the reader feel like that your friend didn't inspire you properly;
I was also inspired by my friend to pursue this goal.
Also you bring in this friend suddenly to the scene.... what's the significance of this friend? a very close one? .... I feel you need to be a little more descriptive :)

Undergraduate / United States Naval Academy- Admission Essay on my interest in Military Service! [8]


I think you can present this in a much more effective way.... This is a great idea :) ... This is my suggestion, but may be you can present it a lot better than this;

At the age of twelve, I began learning Karate thinking that it would help me to become tough which I longed for.
You need to have your application stand out among hundreds of others... So have some emotions into your writing to make it look more creative :)


I was surprised by the hard manner that officers pushed their young marines

Writing Feedback / UNIVERSITY EDUCATION IS IMPORTANT OR NOT? [3]



... you need to be specific in your opinion. If you say "if possible", then you need to explain why you say so.... Otherwise, leave it out.


...strong sentence :)
I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL writing tasks. If so, I feel you better provide examples of more specific nature than general examples. These tasks call for more specific examples :)


there you are... This is very straight... this is how you should have expressed your opinion in the introduction :)

Undergraduate / Astana's competition ; UBC - How I responded to a significant challenge [3]


.... I think you can present this more effectively;
Some teenagers don't understand the hardships of their parents and make some effort to give them a helping hand to make their life easier.

However, I feel this is not going to add much value to your answer as an idea... You are stating a general opinion here whereas the prompt requests you to explain your response to a challenge and what you leaned out of it.

So my suggestion is to start with your challenge and present this idea at the end as something you learned during the process of meeting this challenge.

Essays / Superman: Hero, Inspiration, Tyrant, popular epigraph [6]


... I agree :)


.... I prefer the word "skip" instead of "jump"


In my view, you have provided the reader with sufficient explanation and elaboration on important points.... I'm only not sure about the reasons you provided there in point form.... I wish if you did include in the essay itself :)


Well.... I think it is really good.... I read it in full and enjoyed your way of arguing.
Overall, I think you've done a great job and you have very good writing skills :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Museums are meant for educating people or entertaining them? [3]


Museums are places where objects of historical, scientific, cultural and artistic interest are preserved. Therefore they have a great significance in a particular country's history and culture.


The part I highlighted does not sound right.... so it does not get your idea to the reader properly;
Some people argue that the museums are the treasure houses of knowledge and wisdom and therefore they should be focused on educating people.



this gives/ these give

Writing Feedback / Advertisement encourages to buy in bulk, whereas it should promote high quality of the products sold [5]


... plural sounds better;
Advertisements help create awareness about latest products and offers.


.... What do you mean by "which it already sold? ", that's not really clear to me.... Also I wish you said this differently;




I think you need to align your reasoning with the topic... The topic suggests that advertisements promotes people to buy more whereas they should promote people to buy better quality. So in this para, you need to bring up that fact;

People are tempted to buy more quantity when advertisements inform them about special offers and discounts of a particular product even when they do not have a real need to buy. For example, "buy one get one free " offer for shampoos may tempt people to buy more than what they really require in hope of having stocks for future use. However, these shampoos may not be as good as in their original quality by the time they are used. In this case, advertisements really do not help people with the quality of soap they use.

Letters / Reference Letter, Spanish Business school, MIB 2013/14 [5]


Me too :)


Though he is quite young in his profession he displays maturity in his proficiency, self-confidence, accountability, especially athigh profile international working events.
Well.... I really don't understand what you mean by "high profile international working events". What do you actually mean by this?


... take the later part to a new sentence :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Children should learn science in school or not? [3]

Good introduction. Pleas start your sentences with capital letters because it is a distraction for us to follow what you have written. Always present your writing neat and tidy.


"an" comes before words starting with vowels.


This is a confusing sentence. It's pretty long too.
I introduced a few new key words there. The latter part is not necessary because you have already said that in the first part

Writing Feedback / GOVERNMENT SHOULD BARE THE COST FOR SPECIAL UNDERGRADUATE COURSE [3]


... Start sentences with capital letters. It's a healthy habit even during practice sessions. :)


... The topic leave this fact as an argument and I think you also should maintain that . This sounds as if government pays such fees... However, the topic talks about should this happen or not!


government pays/ governments pay
If this is for IELTS or TOEFL purpose, you need to support your reasons with specific examples... Here you dont have them
The topic too is a pretty vague one... :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Nowadays people becoming parents later in life. Some think not good development [4]



I completely agree that late parenting is not a positive trend and such parents would face many issues and challenges in raising children.


.... this contradicts your opinion stated in the introduction. There you say late parenting is not good. But in this para you talk about its positives. If you want to talk about the positives, change your opinion to read as;

In my view, late parenting has both positive and negative effects.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Doing jobs for a long spell ; Good or bad..? [3]


.... you start this sentence with talking about advantages and end with both benefits and drawbacks. I guess it reads better if you remove the later part of this sentence.


To begin with, working for a short period of time has a great advantage in terms of flexibility.


On the other hand, the negative side of this trend also should not be neglected.

Essays / ACHIEVEMETNTS AMIDST TOUGH ENVIRONMENTS [16]

I volunteered in xxxxxx hospital (tell them the exact hospital, otherwise it sounds vague) and that was the advent of my strong passion for studying medicine. Also I joined the NNNNN (Give the name of the newspaper) newspaper where I contributed as one of the editors. The positive feed backs I received for my articles encouraged me to think seriously as a journalist and this activity gave me the opportunities of meeting and working with many interesting and outstanding people from UN, Toronto Star Newspaper, Chosun ....


Sure... if you give me your e-mail address, I shall drop you a mail :)

Letters / Reference Letter, Spanish Business school, MIB 2013/14 [5]


... tell how many years he has been working there... It's important to tell them for how long you have been knowing him. My suggestion;

I have know Dr Mario Rossi for the past yyyy years through our company projects for which he has been contributing as the scientific adviser.

Scholarship / 'It is not a tool' - What Does Leadership Means? Scholarship [3]


"cunning" is a term generally used for a negative feeling. Even the term "shrewd " has a lighter effect in contrast to "cunning". I would suggest the word "astute" which is a closer meaning to cunning" or "diplomatic" which gives a positive and professional meaning.

In my opinion, a good leader is always visionary. Without a vision he cannot guide his team to where he wants to reach.

Undergraduate / Leap of faith to Rice University - What motivated you to apply to Rice University? [4]


What do you mean by continuing school ? That's not clear :(


This sentence too sounds confusing. You have too many ideas in one line and it's hard for the reader to have your ideas connected. I suggest you to re-phrase both these lines. If I can understand your idea, I could have given my suggestion for those too lines. But I really can't catch your ideas :(

Writing Feedback / Art Management; Colleges and universities should offer Job preparation training [8]

That's a good one :D


.... Good point :)


.... It's a good sentence, only the later part of it disturbs its flow.
By organizing various occupational training courses, universities could produce more successful graduates and this results in having a better demand for their courses. .... I introduced different keywords here.

Undergraduate / "Imitation is suicide" ; Berkeley's HAAS business school U Transfer/ Personal [7]


Okk.... let's see :)


"Imitation is suicide"; "Who so would be a man must be a nonconformist" ; these quotes by Ralph W Emerson still inspire me.



With my conservative Bangladeshi origins I found this idea very astonishing and novel.

Undergraduate / "Don't be a litter bug!"; PERSONAL STATEMENT - U Arizona [3]


What do you mean by getting ready for school? ... Sounds like as if it is the time you took to dress up ... I guess you mean something more serious than that but it does not flow well :(


This again not written properly :( .... What's the subject this guy instructed? Humanities?

Writing Feedback / RAPID ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT RESULTED HIGHER LIVING STANDARDS IN TOWNS, NOT IN VILLAGES [5]

Well... you should not be worried... With practicing you can improve a lot...There's a tip that EF_Kevin used to give many members who had this problem;

"Type the corrected sentence five times" ... this helps your mind to memorize the right form of grammar. Pay attention to the grammar corrections others have made and write those sentences several times.

Do more essays and post them here.... This is a good place for you to improve :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Some ex-prisoners commit crimes after being released from the prison. Cause [6]


This sentence has some issues; grammar, clarity etc. ... Also you should tell this point as a solution and not a reason for them being prone to criminal activities.

In my view, proper counseling and rehabilitation programs can play an important role in helping these prisoners to make come back to a normal civilian life.

Undergraduate / I could not escape my twisted fate; RICHMOND APP; EXPERIENCE [10]

Well... You say you are not a very good writer... But I see you have very good writing skills. Only problem is about contents.... You consume too many words and paras to give us an account of your inner feelings. I think they need to judge you through your experience. So, you need to give more emphasis to aspects such as how this experience helped you grow more mature, what you learned through that etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Some ex-prisoners commit crimes after being released from the prison. Cause [6]


... you need to start a new sentence for the later. My suggestion;
In my opinion, there are various reasons that compel them to commit crimes again. However, there are some solutions that can employed to arrest this social issue.


Inside the prison, prisoners interact with each other. However, association of hard-core criminals can have a dangerous and negative influence on other prisoners who would be freed soon from prison.

Undergraduate / Style of Studying; MPACT of my personal weakness on PA program [5]


Throughout my medical study, I was driven by the target of achieving high grades at the final exam. This demanded me to employ a more studious approach sacrificing a lot of other personal interests that sometimes caused severe study pressure and stress to me. However, by doing so, I now feel I have missed many enjoyable moments during my school life because of this approach.

Writing Feedback / RAPID ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT RESULTED HIGHER LIVING STANDARDS IN TOWNS, NOT IN VILLAGES [5]

This essay should been posted under "writing feedback" forum (I moved it to the right forum). By posting your essays under correct category, you'd be able to get more comments. :)


This needs re-phrasing;
The first thing you should do in the introduction is that you should introduce the topic very briefly. Then you need to align your writing with the topic. For example;

Rapid economic development brought in many modern infrastructure to the urban areas that resulted in boosting the living standards of urban people. However, the same degree of development has not happened in the rural areas. This situation can cause many problems to the country as a whole.

Writing Feedback / Safe alternatives to fossil fuels should be the most important global priority today [2]


I agree with the statement/ I am agreeing with the statement ; the first one is better :)


.... keep it plural

I find your introduction is pretty good.... If you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL , then this is fine because you need to manage time as well... You cannot have very descriptive introductions within the allocated time. However, if this is for some other purpose for which time does not play as a constraint, then you can elaborate on certain facts mentioned in the intro. :)

Essays / Help with an introduction for an essay on the stereotype that men shouldn't be nurses [5]

In the introduction you need to introduce the topic. So, introduce the "nursing"profession and its objectives very briefly with one sentence or maximum two. Then have another one to talk about male participation in nursing. Then introduce this argument. You can do a little bit of research by googling this topic to find good points for this essay.

Do your introduction yourself and post it to this forum. We'll give our comments for you to improve. :)

Writing Feedback / Art Management; Colleges and universities should offer Job preparation training [8]


You are welcome :)
It is the practice that make you confident about these little confusions.... Keep practicing ; you write so well and practice may prepare you for a real good score : )


.... This reads better... sometimes when you try to be too descriptive, it disturbs your idea and the flow :)

Undergraduate / RESEARCH ON CANCER; SOP - Texas A&M'S Bio-medical Eng [8]

This is perfect...Now I get the idea :)


... I removed the comma betwee "in" and "although".


.... I feel it's better to have this inclusion.


.... I think what you mean is that the patient would be given twice as much as chemotherapy treatment now.... If this is the idea, I feel you better re-phrase this part (highlighted) slightly to give that sense to the reader. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Many countries spend large amounts of sports events. Agree or Disagree [4]


.... This is your opening sentence and therefore it should be very strong to give a start with a good punch. However, this seems to be irrelevant as an idea... How do you link this idea with spending on sports ?

There are several issues with your writing. Specially you need to pay more attention to organizing your ideas to flow nicely through out your essay. You must keep every sentence hooked together without letting them fall out from the frame. :)

Undergraduate / My role as a CONTRIBUTOR; UMich - My place within the community. [3]


... I prefer "too" or "as well" in place of "also"


we are expected to apply the knowledge that we have gained from a world class education as well as to contribute towards the progress of the world.


.... I feel it's better you include this line into the previous para.

Essays / Enjoyable vacation - linking sentences in the first paragraph of the essay [3]

Guess this is for a speaking task :)


should make me feel relaxed


A good friend can satisfy both these requirements. So, travelling with a friend would certainly make my vacation more enjoyable than doing it on my own.

Hope this helps :)

Grammar, Usage / Weekly Routine of my friend; Present Tense [2]


This is the weekly routine of my friend, Fatin Nabihah; .... pay attention to punctuation I introduced :)


She usually does not take breakfast in the morning and also skips the lunch.


She only takes a drink in the afternoon.


class --------> it / classes ------------> they


She takes/ They take; She has/ They have

Grammar, Usage / sentence structure question [13]

:D .... Well, language is there to deliver your ideas clearly :)


From English writing perspectives, this is not acceptable grammar at all because there you don't find any complete sentence. One can hardly understand what you try to say. .... But when you speak, what is most important is that you give the message across.... So may be you can say so in slang English :)

Writing Feedback / Career in today's world; Chances for a good job [2]

Your essay sounds like an IELTS or TOEFL one. But without the prompt, it is difficult to understand for which task you have written this. Always make sure to post your prompt too for you get more relevant feed backs. Also, general essays that are intended to get feed backs on writing should be posted under "writing feedback" forum and not under "Undergraduate Essays" :)


This sentence sounds incomplete

Graduate / Personal Statement to Public health grad school (PhD). [5]

...]problems pertaining to migrants' health and well being get more complicated throughdue to language barriers and cultural differences ... well being is too words.


.... these words are getting repeated too soon as you used them in the previous sentence too :(
These issues can be commonly seen among African immigrants living in rural Indiana.

Grammar, Usage / sentence structure question [13]


It is not very clear to me what you are trying to say.... This is what I guess;
I have 22 days to do the job. However, there's lots of work to do and we have hardly any time to waste.

Hope this is the idea you want to express.... If not, tell us your idea and we will help you with this line :)