Undergraduate / ASHA certifiedCertificate of Clinical Competenence; Speech Pathology(PS-Grad School) [5]


That would make it a great answer :)

Overall, it's very well written and there's no question about your writing skills. I only felt it is a little short of emotions :) Emotions give a creative presentation to your essay. So bring them in the places you can.


... This is one such line.... Describe this through some experience you had their. Such writing is more conceivable than just making statements.


I know, it's just a typo :D

Writing Feedback / What could be the best job in the world? [5]


I feel these sentences sound a bit out of topic. You should always keep your writing well aligned with the topic. The topic is about what could be the best job for you. So... here you better keep the focus on the job of your choice and link the rest of the ideas to that.

Also.... the topic title too sounds a bit vague as you have not posted the exact prompt... Always make sure you provide us with the topic title so that we can give you more relevant comments, :)

Undergraduate / HOPE IN DARKNESS, Confidence & Taliban regime; American U for Afganistan [4]


in my right cheek


But it was my teacher's misjudgment; I did my homework myself but it was too neatly presented that she suspected someone else did it for me.


This is just one of the incidents in my childhood that made me realize how challenging the life is going to be.


I had to prepare myself for meeting endless challenges in life as one looking forward to receiving education in a country where it is almost a distant dream.

Scholarship / Passion, USNS in Haiti, Hospital ship; REASONS- Naval Nurse Officer(NROTC) [2]

This is awesome... It's simple, straight and well presented. I like your style of writing :)


.... I suggest ; "I once came across" in place of "I happened upon"


.... I wish if you'd set up some link with the previous idea before introducing a new idea altogether.

Scholarship / English CAHSEE ; Why do you want to become a City Year Corps member? [2]


Until very recent, I wasn't clear about in which direction I want to take my life.


However, I kept realizing my selfless feelings and decided to help others who are in need regardless of keep analyzing the outcomes of this decision..... I summed up your above two ideas :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task1 - Pie chart and table;Why agricultural land becomes less productive? [2]


Why do you want to make it more concise? I guess you need to write at least 200 words and it is not the upper limit. Is it?


... great start; you give an overall idea about the illustration; Very good :)


The pie chart illustrates how the four main causes(i.e. overgrazing, over cultivation, deforestation and other) contribute to the degraded status of farmland in the world. The table illustrates that in what degree these causes have affected the farmlands in three different world regions (North America, Europe and Oceania).

I think you are in the right track... "illustrate/ display/ trend/ patterns/ graphical presentations" are a few key words that are commonly used in explaining graphical presentations :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: "I cannot wait back to my job"- social life vs job happiness [4]


This is too long dear... So it disturbs you flow, clarity of your ideas and the presentation too. Start with a simple, interesting and a catchy sentence;

Some celebrities claim that career does mean nothing for a happy life and it is the well roundness that matters.


Avoid phrases that don't add any value to your sentence. State your opinion straight and clear :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Living in high apartments : Advantages and Disadvantages [5]


great start .... :)


.... sky scrapers is a nicer key word :)
Very good introduction too :)


The first part is awesome. However, the latter doesn't stand up that smooth flow :(
One clear disadvantage is being off from ground. It may seem trivial but it can make a lot of difference.

Scholarship / Diverse values and morals, blue collar houehold/U.S. Naval(NROTC) [3]

Raised in a blue-collar household, my father instilled in me the values of hard work, responsibility, a strong moral character, and self-reliance throughby setting example.


I wish you said a little about your mother's background as to why she touched on these aspects. Introduce her background to them and tell them how she influenced those values and morals.

Undergraduate / FIRST Robotics community ; UMichigian Ann Arbor/ Community [2]


I contribute to the community as a programmer.


My task is to ensure that the robot functions properly and meets the requirements specified by FIRST regulations.


We may not be as big as other FIRST communities in our region of Las Vegas...

Undergraduate / Engineering Ambition; UIUC-Transfer Motivation/Academic Interests/Professional Goals [3]


From then I began to feel that pursuing a higher education in Mathematics would be the ideal option for me. I also dreamed of having this experience in the US, in its vibrant education system.


this sentence is bit confusing :( What do you mean by "as an undecided major"? .... I guess you better re-phrase this part :)


but also the facets of engineering that make them applicable in real-life.

Writing Feedback / iELTS Spending a lot on holding wedding celebrations are waste others are oppose [5]



... Awesome ; very impressive :)
Celebrations bring people together and help forget our worries. .... I omitted the word "to". You really do not need it though it is not incorrect with it too :D


... ... you need to bring the money part into this line, because your prompt is aimed at that;
Some people think that celebrating public or private events is important for this reason. (this refers to the earlier line)However, others view this activity as a waste of money.

Writing Feedback / What would I prefer- long hours more money or short hours less money-critique [5]


This sounds like a direct answer to the prompt. It is not wrong, but this is a writing task that judges your writing skills. So I feel it is better you adopt a more essay type approach in your answer. As per the recommended structure, you need to start with introducing the topic to the reader in the introduction. :)

Then you state your opinion about the argument .

Undergraduate / ASHA certifiedCertificate of Clinical Competenence; Speech Pathology(PS-Grad School) [5]


I think you can present this idea in a more creative way. Why not add some emotions to this and present? :)
I remember how I looked forward to interesting conversations with my grandmother until she lost her speaking abilities as a result of the stroke she suffered.


instructional assistant

Writing Feedback / Essay Practice-Should Fast Food Companies be held responsible for obesity in children [2]



.... I wish if you said this idea differnetly;
The parents too should be more responsible for safeguarding their children's health.


.... the earlier part sounds repetitive because you talk about that aspect in the earlier sentence.
Some parents are too busy with their jobs and give little consideration about the meals their children are provided with.

Writing Feedback / Machinery stuffs vz hand made stuff? Which is better? [3]


Nowadays people use a lot of machine made items.


....good point
Your introduction follows the expected essay structure for this task :)


economical solutions are something worth worrying about


Good one :)

Writing Feedback / Can online education replace the role of traditional education ? [2]


methods provide/ method provides
This line has a few issues; grammar/ clarity of your idea/ sentence structure :(
This method, popularly known as e-learning, delivers lessons to the students via internet.


... it still exists
traditional education which has been existing for a long period of time .

Writing Feedback / TOEFL : Television distances friends and family from us [2]


.... I have a suggestion for the highlighted part;
As we all know, man is a social animal who looks forward to having company of others.


.... good point :)
the best key word is; "technological devices"
In the last two decades a lot of technological devices introduced to make life much easier for humans.


One of these devices is the Television which brings the whole world into your living room.

In the introduction, it is good if you state your opinion very clearly;
However, like many other people, I too believe that TV has adversely affected family interactions and caused distance between members in the family.

Grammar, Usage / How to say the head of Chinese Department, Institution of Humanity and Law / FDI Investment [6]

FDIs play a very important role in our country's economic development process. They help creating employment opportunities for our people. They also contribute to transfer knowledge of advance technology and increase domestic competition.

Note; Generally you use the plural form when you talk about Foreign Direct Investments. So use the term "FDIs". Also use shorter sentences in speech for it to be more effective :)

Writing Feedback / Different maniacal types in cultures [4]

Well... as per your prompt, your introduction sounds a bit out of topic. This topic is specific to the fact that some people are crazy about following English traditions. Therefore your introduction sounds out of topic and it does not convey or introduce this topic title to the reader at all.

I feel it is good if you re-do this essay and post it to the forum. We will help you with our comments for sure :)

Writing Feedback / What could be the best job in the world? [5]


Choosing a career is a major decision which everyone has to make when they enter into adult life.


The perception of " the best job" differs from person to person.


There are some people who look forward to jobs within their comfort zone. These people do not like doing jobs in far away places that affect their family life too much.

Scholarship / Teaching passion/Change Route/Comeback;Motivational Essay- CBS Master's Scholarship [2]


---------- You actually need not to be so descriptive :)
...,exclaimed my fellow students in the economic and business class when I explained some economic concepts and theories about elasticity and market demand in the class in hope preparing for our final exam.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Globalization:Negative sides should not be forgotten. [5]


I guess this is your introduction. As a small tip, I'd like to suggest you to leave one blank line between paras so that it looks a nice and tidy essay. Otherwise they cramp up together and won't make your examiner happy about it ;)


....word "anybody" is getting repeated.


... hey.... be careful with grammar ;)
Multinational companies offer/ Multinational company offers :)

Writing Feedback / what job do you want? high salary but have to leave your family or the contrary. [3]

Good editing by Pahan.


they hunt for their jobs/ they are job hunters


This has a few repeating words that destroys the effectiveness of your idea
Which is better? A job with a tempting salary, yet being distanced from loved ones or a job with a modest salary in the hometown itself?

Undergraduate / Racial diversity & Bullying; Issue of importance to me [8]


We believe that we can change the world as people are supposed to be me more open minded today.


the sad truth is that though people talk good about non discrimination, many a them fail to practice it.


If we are to propagate these things, then our society needs certain remedies.

Undergraduate / STUDY ABROAD PROGRAM; U Toronto-trinity supp/ extracurricular [2]


Since then, the dream of returning to this beautiful, modern and multi-cultural campus for my higher studies resided continued to reside in me.


My high school friends have been an integral part of my success.


This is an important line which answers the most valid part of this prompt. So I like if you give a little more elaboration to what you say here. I feel it is not descriptive enough.

Writing Feedback / Watching or reading? - People can learn more from watching television [4]


This sounds too abrupt. The reader gets confused as to why you say it's an controversial issue.


However, in my view, TV is much more powerful and effective in delivering knowledge and information to people than the books.


wow... this is a very good example... very smart one too :D

Writing Feedback / Is it good for teenagers to work? Yes, it's a Good Idea [8]


... I made this inclusion because I think the first thing teenager would learn is the real value of money as they have to work hard to earn that.


You write very well... but I like if you do not include too many additions into one sentence that sort of distrubs a smooth flow of your essay.

Overall, a real good job and awesome writing :)

Writing Feedback / Different maniacal types in cultures [4]

Hi aqueel,
Seems that you type your essay topic in the subject field. Since it allows only a limited number of characters it is better you type your essay prompt in the message block just above the essay.

It's better to have the prompt to provide you with more relevant comments. :)
Waiting to have your prompt to give you my feed back :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Is it important to allocate part of school resources for & music education ? [6]


... Impressive opening :)


... the debate is not on the various aspects, but in what proportions the resources need to be allocated. So, you need to re-organize this sentence;

There is a debate as to how school resources should be allocated for diffrent aspects of education.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) education can reduce the number of criminals? [13]

Hi Tessy,


Yes... this sounds perfect :)


What I tried to insist was that you need to align your ideas and thoughts with the topic always and it is very necessary to happen in the introduction (also in the conclusion) because it's going to make first impressions about your writing to the examiner.

Pleas don't take my comments as harsh ones to run down your writing and it is not what I mean. I try to highlight every little thing that catches my eye in hope of promoting you to utilize your full potential. However, you write well and your ability is pretty sufficient for this task :D

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Money spent for in.national sports events /sports training to children [5]

[


it raises a question


Good intro :)
International sports competitions like football world cup, demands a drasticlarge amount of money (no comma) for arranging all necessary facilities like (no comma here) galleries, tracks, and so on.

competitions demand/ competition demands

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Ageing population. What are the advantages and disadvantage [6]


... I know you can present this better :D
Aging population has become an issue of concern today.


Impressive Introduction as always :)


....Better keep in plural form


Overall, a very good essay! When is the exam?

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Some think that giving a weekly allowance to children face less problems [5]


A weekly allowance may motivate children to handle their finances independently to some extent and this exposure would benefit them when they are grown ups.


.... This should be "according to this statement".... However, I don't feel this is a nice way of expressing your opinion. You can simply say;

I completely agree with this idea

Undergraduate / HERO inside everyone just waiting to change the wrold; CLI (Northwestern ) [3]


Good start :)


.. I think you better attend to this line again because it does not properly deliver your idea. My suggestion;
I had a happy and contented life, but always felt that something was missing. I failed to figure out this missing part for a long time.


You have too many "I had" s.... Also you should connect this line to your story better;
It was this particular summer in which I visited India with my family that provided me with the insight about what I've been missing all those years.

Now tell your experience in India

Also, make sure you don't open a new thread under the same topic and same contents. It is not allowed as per the forum rules and you may be suspended for doing that.

Essays / Future career goals essay for acceptance into high school program [8]

You are welcome :) .... I think you can do the rest :)
Hey, you are born into a family of pediatricians. So you may be having loads of interesting stuff to write here. :)
You write well.... and it's a matter of having a bit more confidence and put your things in the right order to get a smooth flow :)

GOOD LUCK!

Essays / Future career goals essay for acceptance into high school program [8]

I suggest you to leave out the first sentence in this para, as it tends to disturb your flow. So I suggest you to start with the next point;

I grew up witnessing how my mom comforted many young and old hearts by being responsive to their health needs and on the other hand how she was admired by them. There was also another inspiring figure in my life. He has been Dr Haile, the pediatrician who attended to me since I could ever remember. As a child patient, I always loved Dr Haile's company and always looked forward to his company. Association of these two great pediatricians fueled my passion for pediatrics.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL WRITING] Agree/Disagree? People would be happier if they had fewer possessions [4]


This is your opening sentence. What you should aim with that is to introduce your topic to the reader and of course in an interesting way. The more you complicate your message, the lesser it would be interesting to the reader. The above line has a simple idea, but you complicate it with your presentation. I think you should not do that.


.... This is very good.... you convey your idea very effectively to the reader by this line.
You have very good writing skills and have a great potential for a flying score :)
My suggestions are meant for you to go that extra mile ;)

Scholarship / I want to make a difference; U Ottawa Scholarship - Why Engineering? [3]



All this sounds perfect. But it sounds like theory. Your presence is not their at all... It only talks about wisdom of engineering and that is not what the selection committee wants to know. What they want to know is why you want to pursue engineering?

In my view, you need to provide them with an answer of more personal nature.... How you got attracted to engineering? What aspects of engineering inspire you the most? etc.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Younger generation neglect the advices of older people? [3]


.... impressive start :)



Today's generation has speedy and vast access to any type of information in contrast to the previous generations. For young people today, it is just a matter of few clicks that they need to do in order to learn about what they want.