Undergraduate / "eating pizza" - What is something that has a special meaning to you and why? [5]

It looks like Juli is saying ten minutes is sufficient, and fifteen is too much! But I think she means you need to add the s:

for around fifteen minutes and ready to be consumed. Eating pizza is something that has a special meaning to me.

Oh, ha ha, now I see the "ten" Juli was talking about: About ten minutes after my parents made the order, the waitress carefully laid the pizza on our table.

...why would anyone eat something that possess such a strange odor. ------nice! How interesting! ha hahahaha, I love it. Very good.

I turned to my mom and told her that I don't want to try the pizza because it smells weird.

...because after all, you never know what might happen.----very good, now can you say something about how this philosophy affects your career decisions?

Undergraduate / About diversity and my empathy for others - Supplemental Essay on Diversity Question [7]



Oh, ha ha... I see what Ershad means. Well, inherent does not work either. Inherent is used to say that a particular process has a quality inherent in it. I think innate is better when talking about natural things or things about a person, but if you DEVELOPED this quality while growing up, it is not innate.

However, you can keep the word innate and talk about actively improving it.

Undergraduate / "My sister and her recovery" - person who made an impact, Apply Texas Essay Topic A [4]

Be strict about not using more words than necessary:
Even though it may seem cliché, a member of my family, my sister is the person that has made the most impact on my life. ---I understand what you are expressing, but it is not necessary to spend so many words on this... just do this:

Even though it may seem cliché, a member of my family, my sister is the person that has made the most impact on my life.

And you can still get more usefulness out of this sentence:
Even though it may seem cliché, my sister became the person that has made the most impact on my life when she ______________________________.

Now that will be a good way to introduce her! And it plants solid thoughts in the reader's mind.

Through the use of this treatment my sister began her gradual recovery. A recovery that slips up every now and then but still progresses forward.--you have a sentence fragment here. Do this:

Through the use of this treatment my sister began her gradual recovery -- a recovery that slips up every now and then but still progresses forward.-----with a dash

:-)

Scholarship / My Biographical Essay for QuestBridge: my vision will become my reality [3]


hahaha, not even a little?


Don't use this structure. This is what they call "the passive voice" and in this case it is really unnecessary.

I decide to ...

Having control over everything is an illusion. ---if you write this, you need to also give a sentence that tells how someone can be having an illusion that they are in control of life.


Yes, but you don't want to spend your whole life in one place, do you?

Because my heart was so immense, it was easily broken by the derisions I received. I continued to do what I liked to do though, and even found good friends that like to do some of the things I did.----here, I love the first sentence, but the second sentence should be changed to say something different; in addition to saying what you did, also let the last sentence of this and other paragraphs help to answer this part of the prompt:

How have these factors caused you to grow?

Writing Feedback / Factors contributing to job satisfaction of adults at work [6]

To conclude, those much-cited examples give us a plausible explanation about what some types of job satisfaction look like, and it can be found in so many different ways where enjoyment always has to be the core of our process .


You should write a sentence to answer this question.
It is realistic to think that all workers can have satisfaction, because satisfaction can come from many different sources.

Undergraduate / "A Proud African and a Proud Band Geek": Evaluate an ethical dilemma [5]

I felt the heat generate (choose a different verb; generate through does not work) through my body and the adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I think a dash would be nice here:
At the end of the show I sat down in the stands looking back at my past -- at a boy raised by his single mother from Africa who was trying to make ends meet with three boys in a challenging country.

A boy Trying trying to find out the type of person he wanted to become with the confusion of American culture at school and the African culture at home.

Hey Jeff, you must have had an ethical dilemma in band, right?

You have to change this so that it is about an ethical dilemma. State the dilemma at the end of the first paragraph. You can find one easily. I am having one right now: do I give you examples or require you to think of some yourself? Ha ha, it is going to be great when you think of a dilemma you had. Just think about a dilemma related to what is most important to you. Perhaps you had an ethical dilemma when you had to choose between your music and some responsibility to a younger sibling?

Writing Feedback / Modern environmental issues cannot be tackled by one person - Essay for TOEFL [4]

Cars emit exhaust fumes, and if one person or organization tries to stop this activity, they will do accomplish nothing because they cannot forbid everybody to drive cars.

Hey, you did a great job! I think you are supposed to write about whether you agree or disagree with the statement. Most people probably say they disagree and write that one person CAN help solve the problem. But I like what you did. This essay gives a great argument that we must "gather together to improve our planet."

Secondly, our relations with nature has have become so complicated to us that we cannot break off instantly the pollution of our planet.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Not many African Americans are known for their past achievements" - event [3]


This is an intriguing intro. I would do this, though: out loud aloud

...as shy as I was at t he time, this was...

In the midst of the argument, I realized an important point my dad had made. "This is to prepare you for your future. In the real world you will always be in these types of situations whether you want to or not. ----very good. Impressive words by him, and also, it is impressive that you were able to concede a point in argument. I know people who can't do that!

:-)

...to always have confidence in myself and in everything I do.----I think you have something more to say. Anyone could advise, "Have confidence," but you are saying something more... something about the way to regulate your mind.

Undergraduate / Arts and Sciences and Engineering: "I don't know" - JHU supplement [10]


I don't like this part. There is no need to focus on your indecision.
You can briefly mention wanting to keep an open mind and keep your options open, but focus on what you ARE certain about: Above all, I want to help others. I believe that engineers have the ability to accomplish anything. ---- this is the right idea, but use these sentences to say something more meaningful.

This is one of my favorite parts: For every problem an engineer solves there is no telling to how many people were actually affected and how many lives bettered.

Well, if you had to guess what the three fields will be that you master in life, one would be engineering (what kind?) and what would the other 2 be?

Research Papers / scientific paper reference list [6]

Yep, I googled ieee citations and fount this ieee.org/documents/ieeecitationref.pdf

I am unfamiliar with that style, but you can probably get guidelines from your school or whatever institution is requiring this.

For conference proceedings or any other source you are not sure how to cite, sometimes it is okay to take your best guess and see if anybody cares to challenge it. You'll find that with some of this citations stuff, some of the nuances are up for debate or so misunderstood that it is hard to know what is right!

Anyway, find several articles in your field written in this style, and use them as examples. You must be able to find some articles that use this, right?

Undergraduate / The Breakup: Personal essay from Common Application advice. Risky? [4]

This is awesome, though a bit unclear. What was his problem a year after you won the contest? You questioned his teaching methods? If you just add one good sentence near the beginning to help the reader understand the source of conflict, it might help us to understand the meaning of the essay. His pride was hurt, but you chose not to call him to apologize...

Well, what is the lesson to be learned here? Just that you are your own master? I like this sentence:
I am my own master and whether I rise or fall, the decision lies in my hands.
I'll move the comma, though:
I am my own master, and whether I rise or fall the decision lies in my hands.

But is there some deeper wisdom to this essay? What was the cause of the conflict?

Undergraduate / Prompt: What is the best advice you have ever recieved? [2]

At the end, you write:
By following this advice, those ideas that were...
And it makes me think, "What advice?"
Are you talking about Ford's advice?
If so, specify:
By following Henry Ford's advice, those ideas that were...


Good advice here. Nicholas and Mark, I hope you'll join the ranks of contributors.

Undergraduate / Williams Essay (any environment that is particularly significant to you) [7]


Without your heritage, you would still be something.
:-)

The glimpse outside the window now shows that I am an American.---- very good writing... I can tell you read a lot, because only people who read a lot can write like this.

I would use "A" instead:
A glimpse outside the window now shows that I am an American.

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech -what will you do if you have to delay college for one year? [2]


Very good idea! This is an impressive thought. How old are you? I think this would also make a great scene in a movie... a young kid who actually appreciates what the parents have done, and the kid gets a job at age 18 and takes them out to dinner. That is not how kids usually are, I think!

Here is a correction:
When I get my first paycheck , I would will take my parents out to dinner. Since I was a little kid, they had been working very hard and bought buying me lots of nice toys and clothes and providing the best education to me. Even though a dinner doesn is't worth that much, but it is a way to show my parents my appreciation of their love, so the dinner will be priceless to them.

Very nice job... I like the way you think.

Learn this pattern of words:
Not only---> but also
It is crucial not only in our jobs, but also our everyday lives.

Book Reports / Thesis for the Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas? [9]

In my post above, I demonstrated a "statement of the obvious."
If your aunt and uncle are having a conversation about a war, you can say anything you want to say about the war to contribute to the discussion, but you would probably not say something that you know they already know.

Nobody does that in real life, but in essays writers often do make this mistake: We state the obvious.

So the way to write a good thesis statement involves saying something that is not obvious.

Take a stand on something that others may disagree about.

In the Count of Monte Cristo, the hero should actually be thought of as a villain.

If some people disagree, it is probably a good thesis. Don't take my idea, though! Just skim through the book and wait until a controversial idea comes to mind.

Book Reports / Thesis for the Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas? [9]

MY THESIS STATEMENT: In order for an essay to be strong, its thesis statement should meet the requirements that teachers usually associate with the idea of a strong thesis statement.

Undergraduate / 7 Year BS/MD Application Essay/Common App [7]

A nice thing to add to this would be a paragraph about the articles you have already read, some books you have read, and what your particular interests are. For example, I might want to be a neurologist and also a cognitive therapist, so I could write an essay about that particular combination of interest.

If you are particularly interested in "medicines," maybe you want to learn about medicines from all over the world and compare them to get a sense of the truths that underlie them all. Whatever your interests, you have probably read about them, so maybe you should mention things you have read.

Writing Feedback / Students should study alone or in organized groups? IELTS writing task pratice. [5]

Educators often find themselves facing a dilemma about whether students should study as a group or alone. This essay will analyze it grounded on both concernings. from both perspectives.

To advocate for group study, it is able to...

However, to argue against it, group study is not without its drawbacks.

"One of the" = "one item among all of the items" so use an s: One of the chief assertions is that the ...

Controversly Conversely, individual study is able to guarantee equal chance on in education. In addition, group study may...

According to my personal understanding, team study and individual learning are not mutually exclusive.

:-) Practice the correct sentences 10 times each! I think you can have perfect English soon. Sometime, for practice, write for me a short essay that includes only the words and phrases you use the most and know best. I'd like to see what kinds of errors we can correct when you write about any topic you want to choose.

Writing Feedback / Everyone would benefit from taking more exercise do you agree? [13]

Hi Tina, we are lucky to have all of you who make great threads like these. I'm impressed by Mark's way of fixing your errors, too. I hope you'll practice each sentence 10 times. Type each sentence 10 times if you want to improve your grammar. I think you can learn fast! If you want to make another post with a correct version, based on Mark's corrections, please post a new draft below. :-)

Writing Feedback / The teachers should be adequately compensated for their hard labor, skills, commitment and sacrifice [3]

Either use a period or a colon. It is better to use a period, but a colon is not bad.
...and also it lacks logical reasoning.
or
...and also it lacks logical reasoning:

In this scenario, if the teacher is paid according to the volume of student's learning, then he or she would be a very lucky teacher. --- ha ha, good sentence

Excellent... I like the way you included mention of your culture.
Finally, I believe it is not necessary to attach the teacher's pay to the student's learning capacity, because in any case the good teach ers do always earn recognition and are in better demand compared to their less effective peers.

Undergraduate / Pursuit of knowledge: analysis of doctor faustus and frankenstein [2]

It might be nicer to use a pronoun he or she rather than "it" at the beginning of the essay.

Some people may have no interest in acquiring knowledge. Ho wever, for others like Marlowe's Doctor Faustus and Mary Shelley's Frankenstein there is no limit to the amount of knowledge that they wish to possess.

Although he admits that there are dangers involved in his journey, he

Do not start a paragraph with a sentence that gives an example.
(add a topic sentence here before the example.) In Roberts's fourth letter to his sister, he talks about a mysterious man, which... ------ this point about the fourth letter supports an idea. What is that idea? Write it in the topic sentence for the paragraph, which should be the first sentence of the paragraph.

This is good:
What is interesting about all the characters in this essay is that the kinds of knowledge which they pursue leads to questions about the existence of God. (good topic sentence) In their striving for knowledge and power all the characters meet their tragic endings. (good sentence of elaboration) This theme is also a universal statement about humanity at all times and in all places. Humans have a bottomless ... you give some nice discussion in some of these paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / The importance of vocational guide in secondary school [4]

Take your stand and make your argument:
Therefore, students from secondary school have vocational guide early.
Therefore, students from secondary school should have vocational guides early.

First of all, the requirements of a job is are the imperative conditions for anyone who wants to do that job. When you know what it need requires, you will be able to satisfy those requirements.

If it is out of your reach, you still have time to try your best because you are just a secondary student.
Secondly, the expectances expectations you can have about a job are very important. Is this job ...

A semi-colon can separate 2 sentences in the same way a period does:
However, teacher should not use theory so much; t he practical trip to some company to introduce about jobs is more effective and lively.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "I am a loaf of bread" - Unique Personal Essay: Wanted [5]

Yep, great job here... great variation of sentence length, and it is just such a cool metaphor. The word Wonder makes it extra cool as a metaphor for the body. Plus there is a Christian precedent for "bread" as "body" and... well this essay has depth that really surprised me.

Undergraduate / "the footsteps of my parents" - Personal ESSAY! U of M [7]

Here is an idea I had for you:
I must admit, though, that I had not appreciated the importance of education until prior to my junior year of high school , because it was around this time I noticed the many people suffering as they...

3rd
not 3ed

Here is a place to move a comma over:
Once school started again I tried out for Varsity, and even though i didn't make it I continued to work hard and later on was moved up to Varsity. ----see where I moved the comma?

In general, these are nicely written but not as focused and powerful as they could be. The essay can only be as deep as the central idea, and the central idea of this essay does not go very deep. You can add detail to the way you observe what you are observing, and extrapolate meaning by analyzing the mechanisms that are at work. What is the most important concept?

Undergraduate / The teacher, the director, the mentor, and the friend- why I applied to UCF? [7]

Zembuch never gave up on me, even at ...

I know I can be great on my own, but the greatness I can accomplish with the help of the professors and attendees at UCF will far surpass whatever I can accomplish by myself. I do like this attitude, but it is more ambiguous than you should be. It is just an ambiguous affirmation about the greatness with or without college. Instead of this, say something specific about what you want to do and how this school will prepare you.

I want to surround myself with the finest people -- those who will bring out the best in me.
I think a dash is better here than a hyphen.
:-)

Writing Feedback / Memorable people that influenced you (my grandmother) - Cbest writing [3]

During our life time we all have encountered some memorable people that influenced .In fact,I grew up in a small rural town called Lamgharir in Morocco, approximately few kilometers from the city of Marrakech I had the opportunity to live, observe, and follow my grandmother's footsteps in life. She was the unforgettable member of ...

I would like to scratch out all of that first part and let it begin with "I had the opportunity..."

They were always clean, fed and happy. Grandma watched them play hours and hours on the tire swing which she had hung herself on the giant tree in front of ...

Even though the work was physica lly and emotionally demanding, she woke up early every day with a pleasant attitude to care for her dogs, chickens ,turkeys , cows, donkeys, and horses.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The results for HIV are positive" - Issue of importance essay [5]

check spelling:
the dirty dippers
diapers

quarterback

You did a great job with this... it is a powerful essay. My favorite sentence is "Speak up."

Use commas:
Parents, talk to your teenagers about protection and consequences. Schools, do the same.

Undergraduate / MIT - Computers: Department that interests you the most (100 words) [6]

Computers have always intrigued me, and the developments in the last decade show that sky is the limit for their advancem ent. of Computers .

Therefore, Computer Science and Engineering at MIT appeal to me the most, as of now.

Comp. Science and Engineering make a strong combination because of the way the world is changing in these first years of the 21st century. I think you are on the right track!

Undergraduate / "Through My Lens" Common App Essay [3]


good sentence... I like the tone you set with your sentence structure.

Quote marks would be good here:
Since I could push the "record" button...

:-)

Undergraduate / Questions about writing an essay on 'someone who has made an impact on your life' [3]


Yes! It fits, but if you start talking about diversity it might or might not fit. The thing is, you are not putting pieces together; you are driving one deep idea.

Express your idea, the idea you choose as the message of the essay. Get purposeful. If you have one idea you want to get into the reader's head, you will have a great essay.

Writing Feedback / Digital textbooks vs Textbook [12]


No way! I hate that stuff. It is useful, though, to start that last para with a sentence that has some key words from the essay.

Just say what needs to be said. It needs no flowery dressing.

unconvenient
inconvenient

techonology is a need in very school.---- this is all messed up.
technology is a need in every school

Undergraduate / Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something. The issue of my concern. [6]

Look for ways to say what needs to be said in fewer words:
I have dedicated part of my spare time in providing assistance to an organization called Life Impact.

Where did you get this phrase? Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something. I like that, and I've never heard it before...

Hey, I also like that last sentence a lot. That is a strong, steady sentence.

Undergraduate / Loosely the "Indicate a person with significant influence" Common App Prompt [5]


Some sentences are crazy powerful. This is a good one...
This would be nice without the apostrophe:
just as a children's chorus teacher all but sings
just as a grade school chorus teacher all but sings...

Hey, this seems like a really inspired essay! I like the approach you took.

Undergraduate / "Pledge of Allegiance Controversy" ApplyTexas Essay Topic B [11]

You write very well already. When someone writes very well, the way to help is to challenge the arguments or give feedback about the experience the essay provided. It is good if people debate issues like this, and the only way to give feedback is to tell what thoughts come to mind.

Anyway, this is a great thread.

Writing Feedback / The co-workers should believe in fellowship. Some important characteristics of a co-worker - Toefl [5]

Therefore he always left office sharp on time without giving any consideration to whether the work had been finished or not. Most of the time, I had to do his work in order to protect him from getting caught to by the supervisor, who was a very authoritative person.

Therefore, I believe if the co-workers did not corporate cooperate with each other that would be devastating in a work environment.

I came across a situation in which one of my subordinates used to suspect his co-worker for of carrying tales to me. To a certain extent his suspicion was valid as his co-worker made several attempts to highlight his weaknesses the drawbacks of him . However I never encourage tale carriers as a principle and therefore his co-worker gave up talking ill against him with me. --- good!

:-)

Undergraduate / FSU Essay: Spirited Character Makes a True Seminole [4]


wow, very interesting! That must have been a cool experience.

Hmmmm... it seems like this is an essay About Girls State that was re-used as a vires, artes, mores essay. Know what I mean? I think they want you to do a bit of analysis of one or more of those three concepts. Can you dig a little deeper when reflecting on the presence of one of these virtues in your life?

Instead of just telling about the experience, try to convey a lesson you learned or an insight you gained about one of the virtues.

Undergraduate / How/When did you become interested in writing? Pratt Institute Undergrad Admiss Essay [4]

Watch out for the typo here:
...by father would suggest.

Try it this way:
What a strange and beautiful, individual man, what a writer!

I think that sounds nicer. But what does individual mean there? Maybe you should use the word unique instead.

Writing Feedback / Isn't it worth to try to find out what more things wait for us on the other side [4]

Check spelling:
positive

But as predictably, As one might expect, there is are always possibilities of danger as we are not experienced when we deal with new things.

However, I personally prefer to be a person who welcomes challenges, challengetic because there are tons of things goals we never reach it if we always just avoid them.

:-)

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [416]

Hi there, thanks for joining our community of writing friends.
Just a moment before seeing your post, I was reading the I Ching, which is also from China. I have a translation by Thomas Cleary.

Graduate / ANTHROPOLOGY graduate admissions statement of purpose (California Santa Cruz) [7]


Good questions. This is what I say:

1. Say it.
2. Explain it.
3. Say it again.

That means you want to stab your reader with a forceful idea, one that you want to really convey. So you start by expressing it in a clever way, and then you explain it, and then say it again.

:-)