Scholarship / Vice President of HOSA; Leadership experience [5]


I see a great validity of this comment. The selection committee needs to analyse your leadership skills. So what is important to them is not the titles or series of work , but situations that you displayed such leadership qualities. Think of situations or events that you led your team to success. Tell them about it with emphasis on to your leadership role; how you managed the situation? what sort of direction you provided to your team members? How you inspired them? How you planned for success? etc.

Undergraduate / My faultless grandfather; Person who had the most impact on me [6]


... very creative beginning ... impressive :)


... I suggest "defeated" instead of "beat"
You have a beautiful flow up to this line;


Here you say many intellectuals were badly affected and so did your grandfather. Then why you used the word "but"? It tends to confuse the reader.


... when you say "grandfather", the admission panel know that you are his granddaughter. So there's no need to tell that again; it only consumes your word count.

I was twelve when I first heard his shocking story.

Undergraduate / AbuDhabi/Lonely Planet/Unity,Values,Knowledge sharing-Choice of living/Book&Why UWC? [2]


there is emptiness but there are also opportunities.


By living in Abu Dhabi, I intend to be a pioneer, builder and and innovator.


.... impressive


I wish you re-phrased this because it sounds a bit repetitive since almost the same idea is said in the previous line.

Writing Feedback / Should married women give up their jobs to look after their children ? [3]


This sentence has many issues; grammar, clarity of your idea, inappropriate words
"range of people" is not appropriate - It should be; some people, some sections in society etc.
" impose many outdated points" - should be; "hold many conservative ideas", "stick to narrow perspectives" etc.
Try and write simple, yet interesting sentences. It's good to display your vocabulary knowledge, but if you are not sure of appropriate words don't use them.

My suggestion for this sentence;
Women today play a more significant role in society in contrast to the women of old eras. However, certain people still have not abandoned their conservative thinking; These people hold the view that married women should give up working when they become mothers.

Writing Feedback / IELTS -children play computer games than traditional games; good or a bad way? [2]


... this is your opening sentence. So I feel it needs some improvement in its presentation;
Technology revolutionized many aspects of our lives and so did it with the games that children play.


..."addiction" is a good key word to use here. Also it should be "traditional games" and not "historical games"

Playing computer games makes children addicted to this activity and therefore they do not have a sense of passing time when they start playing computer games.

Scholarship / I have excelled in Science; Gates Millennium Scholars [2]


Everyone has special talents in one thing or the other.


I feel this is a bit over told. If you have a word count constraint you should leave this lines out. I don't see any harm in having the next line after the very first one :)


For me, I found my talents in the subjects of science and literature.


This sounds confusing.... I suggest you to re-phrase

Scholarship / VC STUDENT COUNCIL; Leadership ability both in and out of school [2]


.... I only hope my help comes not very late :(


A good leader is an active listener; a determined and hardworking person who is able to empathize.


This is just a statement you make about yourself. You better back it up with how you inspired others lives. Then it would sound more convincing.

Scholarship / MUSIC- Therapeutic Remedy; Gates Millenium Essay: leadership experience [3]

I'm not sure whether you have already submitted this as it caught my eyes pretty late :)
However, this truly an awesome piece of writing and you are surely a very creative minded person. I specifically picked up a few lines that I found really very impressive :)



.... this is a very important point


... good ending.
I'm sure you'll make your way through :)
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS (TASK 1) CHARTS of diversity and change [4]

:).... Well, I have made a small typo ;


:D

You have described the trends well up to this point;


... this is not written properly and hence the reader gets confused. My suggestion;
However,another 29% do not share the same thinking as the others do. They decide to study merely for enjoyment or for networking opportunities.

Letters / Cover Letter or Letter of motivation for MS in Petroleum Geoscience [9]


Well, I think you have written it well, but I wish if you showed more creativity in your first para;


This is ok... but it sounds too direct and less creative. Since this is the opening sentence, why not give a little more try to enhance its presentation? why not add a touch of emotions? Read some of other motivation letters here to get an idea. :)

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Weekly allowance for children: Agree/disagree [7]


However, if parents provide them with an allowance under careful supervision, then it would benefit children. Otherwise, this action may spoil their lives since they are not yet matured to handle money.


.... children refers to that they are still going through their childhood period. Therefore the highlighted part sounds redundant.

Undergraduate / Newspaper& Internet/Engineering, Community project, Sports - How& Why NJIT? [7]


You have facts and points, but I think you have more potential to improve its presentation. I feel that you want to tell them you love to be socialized and that's why you like NJ, which is culturally more diverse. If you improve the flow of ideas, this message would be delivered more effectively.


My suggestion;
I have read about New Jersey's vibrant culture, especially with a large proportion of people with Indian origin. I was surprised when I found out from newspapers and internet about how grandly some Indian festivals are celebrated in such a far away foreign land. This fact not only developed a strong liking towards New Jersey, but also a strong desire of experiencing such diversity.

Also, I suggest you to include this part into your first para. This idea goes well with the previous lines too :)



... of my mother

Undergraduate / Advertising & Marketing Communications; FIT NYC- Perfect candidate/ Major/ Experience [2]


They say that great loses in our lives, sometimes help us develop stronger personalities. -------------- I feel it is better that you give a direct indication about what you are going to unfold in forthcoming lines.

Now it fits well;



Though I could speak with him over the phone, our distancing brought many hardships into our lives.

Undergraduate / Newspaper& Internet/Engineering, Community project, Sports - How& Why NJIT? [7]


.... I wish you combine both these ideas together and present a more catchy opening sentence;
I come from a country where cultural diversity is at its heights.
Then you can move on to the next line easily because this can have easy reference to the next idea;


As an Indian student I have enough experience of living in diverse communities and I appreciate its vibrancy.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose, Master degree, Electrical Engineering, VLSI [2]


with an emphasis on VLSI


From this course, I expect to gain a stronger hands on engineering experience and background.


However, I do not wish to be contented with that, but to make my progress further in this field.

Letters / Cover Letter or Letter of motivation for MS in Petroleum Geoscience [9]


However, my particular interest in the oil sector persuaded me to apply for this program of Petroleum geoscience and I am passionately looking forward for a career in this field .


I developed a program in MatLab


With students from various parts of the world, it provides high cultural diversity and better networking opportunities.

Writing Feedback / Old and good friends are a treasure, we should spend our time with them rather than new ones [7]


This is too long. You can easily split this into several sentences and that helps you to improve the clarity of your ideas. Avoid writing too lengthy sentences, because they easily get you distracted and also get the reader tired of remembering so many things.

Secondly, "trust"is a key aspect in a healthy relationship. We don't keep friendships with people whom we cannot trust because the friends know in and out about us.

Undergraduate / Diversity & Change/Motivation Clarkson Honors - What can i contribute [4]


with big dreams and a strong determination.


but it is hard work that will get me the extra mile to go.


... Good advice.
Back your claims with examples to convince them you reflect the right character.

Writing Feedback / IELTS (TASK 1) CHARTS of diversity and change [4]


These are the results of a survey that was conducted to understand the reasons why adults decide to study. ... this is for a uni lecture; So you need to present it from that perspective.


For out of ten people have decided to study due to their interest in subject .... In lectures, generally it is good to employ direct speech. That's more clear and interesting.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Families shouldn't pay taxes if not sending children to government schools [6]


a government financed school/ government financed schools


.... the later part sounds a bit stereo type ;
I believe that it is important that every family should participate in paying taxes irrespective of what schools their children attend due to several reasons.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) computer games good or bad for children? [8]


... very good opening :)


.... always keep the alignment with the topic; it is directed at children
Good introduction; simple, interesting and well presented :)


You have not mentioned about anybody ( I mean children or people) in the first line. Therefore, the word "Their" in the second line fails to refer to anybody.

Good ideas and a well presented essay... pay attention to small technical errors you made here.... you are doing really good :)

Essays / Future career goals essay for acceptance into high school program [8]

Here you go :D

Add a little flavor to this idea and present it with a punch. ;)
I love being with children and I get along with them great. This is why I dreamed of my future career as a pediatrician, the best career I can think of becoming closer to children to contribute for a better life for them. May be I was also influenced by my own pediatric doctor and mother who had always been my role model.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Many shops work for 24 hours a day 7 days a week; Compare customer, shop keeper [4]


... you "earn profit" ;
Nowadays, many shops service their customers for all twenty hours and seven days a week to earn better profits and be more competitive in the industry.

I added the competitiveness as an idea to this sentence, because many shops do this not mainly for profits but to maintain their competitiveness. Otherwise they would loose their loyal customers too :)

Writing Feedback / The Rez Sisters Essay- How men treated the women and their role [3]


all the women had been badly treated by their men in their lives.

You use " in the play" too repeatedly. I think that's not necessary.
In Tomson Highway's play act, "the Rez Sisters", all the women characters had been subjected to unfair treatment by its male characters. Instead of running away from their hardships and issues, these women took up the challenge of rising above their surroundings and creating a better environment for them and their children by participating in the "Biggest Bingo in the World".

Scholarship / Engineering/ Team work/ European exposure; Motivational letter ; Erasmus Mundus [2]


I wish you presented this more effectively. Why not say this in direct speech having the entire focus onto you :)
I always longed to enter into the field of engineering.

Well, I see a big issue here regarding your flow. Each sentence sounds too independent from the other. First one says your interest in Engineering. Second one about your knowledge. Third one about your family and so on. You don't link up the ideas to get them a good essay flow. If you talk about your interest in Engineering, then tell them what position you want to reach or what field you want to specialize etc. Then move to the other idea.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) inborn talents vs trained talents. [7]


On the contrary, people can acquire some talents through training.


sports persons/ legends/ hard work
However, I wish you had picked some other career than sports for this example because for almost in every sport you need a certain inborn talent if you really want to become a sports legend. Why not you pick up a career which needs only basic skills such as a driver.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) education can reduce the number of criminals? [13]


... I feel this sentence does not add much value to your essay because this is too obvious. This is like a definition of prisons and you need to address something else; it is a more important issue regarding what would help prevent crime rate. So this sentence sounds a bit out of topic. In the intro, make sure you introduce your topic to the reader. In doing so, you must have your focus to the topic.

Undergraduate / Cartwheels at 70; FIT admission/ Why I'm a perfect candidate?/ My major [5]

I was watching a recap of NY fashion week and found out that a favorite designer of mine started her work designing at the big 40, that is to say she is now 70 and still doing cartwheels down the runway.


This seems not flowing so well and wish if you would re-phrase it.

I have learned thruthrough these experiences


and that fashion is the industry of what I am passionate about.

Essays / Future career goals essay for acceptance into high school program [8]

Hi,

You need to give a start dear. You say you want to be a pediatrician and that's your future career would be. So, do your first draft and post it to the forum. We'll have a look and give you our comments. We can certainly help you with polishing your introduction and conclusion, but you need to write it yourself because only you know about what you want to tell them.

Writing Feedback / 'Plan is required' - Students are encouraged to work or travel before university [8]


Yes.... you can easily aim for a real good score : ) Follow the expected essay structure and practice with time. Post your essays here for us to give you comments to further improve. :)

Also reading others essays written on similar topics would help you pick points and some good key words. Also don't forget to help others too.

:)

Graduate / Process Safety; SOP for M.S. in Safety Engineering Program [7]


This devastating incident and the lives of more than 150 workers could have been saved if proper process safety requirements were followed.


This video triggered my interest because I felt its relevance to my job at that time as a process design engineer.


I passionately acquired more and more knowledge on Process Safety in design, projects and applications.

Letters / Air traffic controller Career Application ; Why interested? 3 major strengths [2]

This is ok., no grammar issues and clear cut presentation :) .... but I feel it is good if you show them that you had a keen interest in at least air crafts from your childhood or an early age....

Your high school experience sounds like a newly formed interest in this area. So, in my view, it is too soon and not strong enough to make one convince about your commitment to pursue a goal. It's good if you can show them a gradual development of your passion towards this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - (EXPENSES in a School in UK in 1981,1991 & 2001) - Pie Chart [3]


This is good advice from Pahan. Yes, you need to introduce the graphical representation to the reader first; What does it represent? What are the key components? etc.

Do not leave it sound vague;


The three pie charts reveal the proportion of five types of expenses during 1981, 1991 and 2001 in one of the schools in the UK. These five types of expenses include the expenses of salaries of teachers and other workers, furniture and equipment, insurance, resources such as books.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Television makes the biggest impact on our daily life. [5]


This sentence has several issues; grammar, punctuation, idea, presentation. This is my suggestion;
I strongly agree with this statement and believe that TV has an enormous effect on our day to day life.

Grammar;
TV affects our daily life / TV has an enormous effect on our daily life


.... this sentence you have written in past tense which is wrong because this is happening currently too.

Essays / What defines my "potential long term contribution"? [5]


Well.... I guess they would evaluate your potential by looking at your overall application. They may judge you on your credentials, experience, commitment, passion, and your short term & long term goals. They may be ranking candidates as per their ranking criteria. Since they emphasize on the fact of long term contribution to the field, they may have more focus on your long term goals, but certainly would assess you to be sure whether you have enough background and capability to pursue your goals.

Writing Feedback / Cleaning is the most important job in my city [8]


.... my pleasure :)
In case you don't know how to create your own thread this is how you do it;
Go to the "New Thread" feature on the top of this screen on to your right. Click it and there select the right forum (for this type of essays, it is the "writing feedback" . Then type your topic title in the "subject" bar. Then type your essay in the space for "message". Once you are done, click on "start new thread". Then it would appear as a fresh thread and we are ready to give you comments :D

Chaz - Sorry for using your thread to help another person, but we are here to help each other afterall :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: prison could prevent them from becoming criminals [4]


...."where" is used twice in this sentence. The second one is not necessary.


... this has several issues; grammar and some technical issues such as "educating criminals". I think you need to educate people to prevent them from becoming criminals.

According to the statement, if a proper education is given to people, it is very likely that they would not commit crime in the future.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) television has a great impact on our lives..? [6]


... generally "all walks of life" means about different careers... So I don't know it is the most appropriate usage for this idea

It has a great impact on people of all walks of life.
To begin with, as television is an audio visual media itwhich has a great impact on it's viewers. -------------- good :)
Latest information relating to the fields of education and entertainment are available through television.


I think you are referring to "National Geography" and "Animal Planet"


.... pay attention to the fixes I made. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS;USAGE OF COMPUTERS in education would threaten teachers role in future [3]


.... lovely opening :)


.... I guess this inclusion adds more meaning to your sentence :)
Good intro!


.... it's a process that is continuing to happen. Also I feel "manage" is a better key word for this idea.


... give more focus to the human part :)

Very good essay; good structure/vocabulary/ ideas and presentation. You can go for a real good score :)

Writing Feedback / 'Plan is required' - Students are encouraged to work or travel before university [8]

Hi Jestine,
You need to create your own thread under your own title. You can't use other's threads for your essays. I couldn't find any thread under your user name.

This is how you create your thread;
Go to the "New Thread" feature on the top of this screen on to your right. Click it and there select the right forum (for this type of essays, it is the "writing feedback" . Then type your topic title in the "subject" bar. Then type your essay in the space for "message". Once you are done, click on "start new thread". Then it would appear as a fresh thread and we are ready to give you comments :D