Writing Feedback / IELTS- Writing task 1: Pie Charts: Valentine's Day Gifts [2]

Those of the "fair sex" prefer to offer candy to their lovers, 21% of women compared with 14% of man.

In contrast, 16% of those of the strong sex prefer to buy flowers for ladies, compared with 5% of their counterparts.

Other gifts are jewelry, perfume, lingerie, personal care, and so on. In this group, the least popular gift...---I took away the dot dot dot (ellipsis)

I think you should not talk about the "fair sex" and the "strong sex." It can seem sexist. You should keep it simple and write "men" and "women."

:-) Nice job! This kind of writing (about charts) is the hardest kind!

Undergraduate / "Gambia, Gambia, Gambia" - Stanford supplement: Intellectual vitality [3]


I don't know if these are the correct words. Should willingness be on this list? It seems a little confusing.


I don't think you should include dialogue like this. I know some essayists do it, but... it always seems a little silly. Instead of doing dialogue, write a few sentences that REALLY express the CONCEPT you learned, the INSIGHT you gained.

The reader needs one big theme to wrap her mind around. What is your big theme for this essay?

:-)

Writing Feedback / "make my parents proud" - Unusual Circumstances Essay [4]


I don't like this part. I guess it is the word infiltrate that seems wrong.

I hate the word whom, but unless you want to boycott that word like I usually do, you should use it here:
I had to share a room with my parents, whom I rarely saw.

One day the unexpected happened.-----I don't want to be like everyone else and tell you how great and talented you are... I don't want to jinx it! But really, this is the good writing-art right here. You even express the abruptness of the unexpected with a terse, punchy sentence like this... this is real art.

Missing an h: During my seventh, eight, and ninth...

If you are to succeed, you'll need a detailed plan with several short term goals. This essay is great, but I wonder if your plan is as developed as it can be...?

:-)

Writing Feedback / students' scores and subject assessments - A TOEFL retouches and assignments [4]

As I read the introduction, I notice that you have a high level of proficiency in English. The only tricky part is at the end of that intro:

Then, what about their social or political views, also made known to students? Some people may disagree with this opinion, but I strongly support it. You have not yet given them an opinion to disagree with!

Then, what about their social or political views -- should these also be made known to students? I think they should. Some people may disagree with this opinion, but I strongly support it because _______________________________ (In a few words, sum up the reason for your opinion).

Gradually, the Chinese educational...

develop students in a well-rounded way.

I'll move this apostrophe:
And they can listen to students' opinions and discuss whether they are right or wrong, positive or negative.

Therefore, in this way, teachers can actually guide the students to think and behave properly and positively to the society.---And sometimes the students guide the teacher, too! Thanks for sharing this great essay!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Modern cooking methods have improved our life-style significantly [4]

It is really not a big difference. Susan made a change because it sounds awkward to say, "With technology advances..."

I would even do it like this:
With advancements in technology, food has become...
or
Due to advancements in technology, food has become...

technology advances -- This is not incorrect, but it is a little awkward.

This seems less awkward:
advances in technology
advancement in technology

It's just a matter of writing style I guess. :-)

Writing Feedback / CAMBRIDGE TOPIC; The widespread use of the Internet [7]

Internet is a proper noun, so it should be capitalized.

You should not use the semi-colon until you understand it better. You can google around for examples of how to use it; examples are not hard to find.

You are using the semi-colon in places where you should use a comma.

First of all, the Internet has many contributions for the students' educational development.
Also:
Last but not least, the Internet provides people an opportunity to communicate in several ways and make their connections stronger.

Okay, so do not use that anymore----> ;
Only use the comma.

Practice typing some of the sentences we corrected. Welcome to EssayForum! :-)

Book Reports / Critical Essay on "The Storm" by Kate Chopin research [2]

Yes, the verb tenses are the problem here! Celeste, thanks so much for the work you did. This must have taken a long time.

Motunrayo, do you have time to type the essay again? Use these corrections, and type the essay again. If you do, it will cause your skill to improve. In fact, I think you should type every sentence a few times and really think deeply about the reason for each change Celeste made.

Use a comma:
Chopin further described Calixta's mood saying, "the generous abundance of her passion, without guile or trickery, was like a white flame which penetrated and found response in depths of his own sensuous nature that had never yet been reached" (p. II).

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue - the word thinking is tightly coupled with the word originality, which cannot be detached [8]


Do not capitalize these words.

I completely disagree with the definition of originality that says it is "putting old ideas in new ways." How will you find new ways of putting old ideas together without discovering something completely new? than the existing one?

... been discovered by great scientists.

When we throw an object, it falls back to the ground. This is an existing truth that everybody knows, but how...

many people had really tried to find out the reason behind it until it stroke for the first time to Sir Issac Newton by observing an apple falling from the tree? Hence, the discovery of gravitational force came...----Again, to not capitalize words unnecessarily.

We all observe birds flying in the sky, but what made birds fly was never thought by anyone other than Wright Brothers. ----This is not true!

E=mc2 theory of Energy by Einstein -----I think he came up with this theory by putting old ideas together in new ways.

At the end I would like to say that Originality not just means putting old ideas in new ways. It certainly requires thinking from a different perspective to discover the existing truth of nature and refine the old ideas with a consistent effort to discover better ones.

This is a very thoughtful essay! However, I think originality usually comes from a unique combination of existing ideas.

Writing Feedback / Tourism could be very important for the development of many countries [6]


After this sentence, I think you should add a sentence that succinctly expresses the main idea of the essay. Then, end the first paragraph.

There is a rule called NUMBER AGREEMENT: ...the economies of different countries, and...

... and their lives so relied on agriculture.

The plural of rubbish is rubbish. The plural of jellyfish is jellyfish:
... throw rubbish like plastic bags into the sea, many jellyfish and other marine creatures have died ...

In conclusion, tourism could be very important for the development of many countries. However, the increasing tourism...

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Tv has NO negative effects on children. [3]

Use the word television instead of TV.


At the end of the first paragraph, give a sentence that sums up the MAIN IDEA of the essay.

I have one correction to add to what Mirela said:
As an example, I got too much stress from the school. So, I was quite aggressive. However, after I watched the...

In conclusion, of course, the television can have violent programs. However, if children can...

The word HOWEVER can be used at the beginning, middle, or end of a sentence. To use it correctly, however, you should look for some good examples to follow. However, not all examples you find on the Internet will be correct.

Writing Feedback / Essay about a personal quality(ies) that I have and am proud of [4]

The measure of the impossibility of an idea is directly correlated ---no, the measure is not corelated. The level of impossibility is.
The impossibility of an idea is directly inversely correlated to the amount of will someone has to believe the impossible is in fact possible. --I took out some commas.

This is an idea that I have held onto throughout the course of my existence. Not a necessary sentence. Besides, you did not always have this idea! You existed as a baby, for example.

The impossibility of something, regardless of what topic or subject it concerns, is what I strive to combat. I aim to succeed past these limits placed by society, and seek to carve my own path through this journey known as life. let's not belabor the point.

In order to advance beyond this a seemingly unclimbable barrier, one must have power. However, unlike the more common definition, power in this case is the power to think differently than others; the power to change and fix the world's problems that other would see as unachievable. As I have grown in age as well as mind, my desire to accomplish my dreams and goals has not diminished. ---Okay, i want to know what they are! The goals are the driving forces that motivate you.

The ability to never surrender to the clutches of incompetency and failure continues to fuel my will to attain my dreams and aspirations. ---Okay, what are they!?

Ultimately, if I am able to help mankind in any way, shape, or form, then my life as well as my dreams will be fulfilled.---Can you be more specific!?

:-) The essay is about believing nothing is impossible, achieving goals, etc. That is great, but I think you should explain WHAT is so important to you that you have this perseverance.

Undergraduate / "History has been my obsession" - Statement of Purpose essay for UT [3]

My passion not only stemmed from school but from my personal life as well. I think you can cut this sentence. The reader can figure it out on here own. Know what I mean? Less is more. Let the reader wonder.

Ha ha, you live in a place called Walnut, hahahah....

When the time came to choose what college I wanted to transfer to it was an easy decision and that was the University of Texas at Austin. I researched schools that had an excellent history department and when I saw that UT was one of the top schools I knew I had to visit the school. This part is insubstantial.

You know what? I think you can get a better theme. What theme is better than "history is my obsession"...? Can you dig deeper and ... perhaps use history as a means to a greater end? Teaching history can help you achieve a grand aspiration. What is that aspiration?

p.s. the essay is already impressive. I am just trying to provide some ideas...

great job!!!

Writing Feedback / Students' motivation should come from teachers and family [7]

Oh, no!! I am sorry to have made you read it 100 times. Ha ha... I am falling out of my chair laughing.

Someone closed the thread when I was posting MY message to you, so I had to copy/paste my message after re-opening the thread. That part about the "action you are not allowed to perform" is not something I wrote to you. It is something I accidentally copy/pasted.

I'm sorry!!! :-)

So, you are not foolish. It was my mistake.

BTW data means "information."

Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]


I think it is NICE to preserve old traditions, but keep in mind that those old traditions did not always exist. At one time, they were new trends. A few centuries from now, the modern trends will be the old traditions.

In fact, I argue that modern trends are SACRED in the same way old traditions are sacred.

Also, keep in mind the fact that people who cling to old ways are also the people who thwart progress -- for example, my friend's grandfather preserves old traditions, and he also discourages her from having a career in medicine because that is traditionally a "man's career."

Also, there was a tradition in India where wives would kill themselves if their husbands died! "Sati."

And it is not just about gender equality. We also have traditions associated with the way we work to produce goods. If we cling to old ways, we cannot benefit from modern efficiency.

However, I think there is some magic available in the old ways. Use them for their accumulated magical power. :-)


Wow, very profound right here. I think I will make this my religion too, Ajit. Thanks for the wisdom!

Writing Feedback / "beauty is in fact in the eyes of the beholder" - O level essay BEAUTY [3]

Either it be centuries before BC, or today in this every-modernizing society, h You already made this point. I crossed out this part, because it is unclear and not-quite-right.

Humans are judged by their physical appearances. Women appraised by their beauty before being wed to bachelors or men judged by their looks in job interviews Ahh!! This seems sexist.

The looming question mark would be: Are such extensive measures necessary and truly worth it in the end?

Nevertheless, such notion was ignored and dismissed as naive thoughts by the majority.

In a nutshell, although some perceive beauty as physical appearance, beauty is in fact in the eyes of the beholder, and thus...

I can't mark it, because I don't know what the scoring criteria are. However, your English is almost perfect. Even native speakers have some errors here and there. Nice job!

Undergraduate / "Walking To Reality" - Rice University Supplement [2]

Try taking out words to make it mysterious, brief, powerful:

My view has changed with my age and body. I walked through the narrow hallways of Elementary School elementary school - all four feet of me - with my over-sized glasses and...

unbearably high-pitched voice. with the ever feeling of Always, I had a feeling of security and comfort.

The hallways gave a sense of acceptance, as.... with one another turned into a simple hello or head nod in the hallway. My idea of a perfect world was not so perfect after all. I want to cut out all this. The reader does not want to hear the life story. BUT the reader does want to hear about ...

Faster then I could comprehend, high school arrived.

This would be a great way to START the essay:
The wonderful days of elementary school were long gone as priorities of receiving excellent grades and test scores were fastened on me in high school. My romantic views of finding the perfect group of friends and being accepted by everyone had disappeared just as my glasses and shaggy hair had. Former "best friends" lost their ---See, if you begin the essay with this, the reader has to figure out a lot of things on her own.

Readers love to figure things out on their own. :-)

I then realized, where would culture be if everyone conformed to a subset? What would I be able to pass down to my children-- a multitude of cultural traditions, cuisine, and values or ---And here is where the real CONCEPT of the essay appears. Great job! I think a lot of the first half should be cut so you can focus on this concept.

Good writing is not about what you include, but rather about what you omit. Less is more when focusing a reader's attention.

Undergraduate / My English teacher, Ms. Pearson, someone that has impacted my life- UT [6]


I like this introduction!

... relatively late recently. ----I changed it, because ther term "late in life" usually refers to old age.

With this quality, she has both impacted me and influenced me because it shows that she is versatile, and that is something that I yearn to be.

... because teachers didn't get paid that much and there were so many occupations out there that were open to me. -----Well, teachers CAN get paid a lot if they supplement their income by creating educational products, blogging, etc. Be creative, and you can make money!

That teacher convinced me to not be a teacher, so I went through a number of phases where I wanted to be different things. I guess you maybe wondering how I finally ended up with teaching. Well, that was all because of Ms. Pearson. No, not wondering; you just explained it.

This essay is eloquent, clear, and... I love your writing style! However, the content is rather simplistic. I think you should revise this essay so that it includes some DETAILS about your unique plan.

For example, google this: philosophy of education

Writing Feedback / Fatherhood, motherhood, and bringing children up [3]

It is true that mothers are definitely responsible for number of babies they would like to have, when to have them,or whether to have them at all. ---Practice typing this sentence a few times, and notice all the changes I made. If you practice a few times, it will give you good grammar habits.

As a result, it goes to the idea that raising a child should also take into account by be primarily the responsibility of mothers.

In addition, there is a term they called maternal instinct, in with which women have the ability to recognize the needs of a newborn after having already established a maternal bond during pregnancy. ----This was a great sentence! I made changes to make it even better.

There are some research studies that have...

Then they remarry again, and again that becomes a normal part of their life and it is difficult to distinguish whether there is a huge a difference between marriage or merely a common law.

Therefore, Parents parents should work together...
:-)

Graduate / Personal Statement - for Occupational Therapy Masters Program [3]

As I sit here and think/ CONTEMPLATE? about the contemplate ways I can express my desire to pursue a career in Occupational Therapy, the answer seems complicated. A personal experience helped me make the decision, but at the same time the ...

I think you should contemplate this idea all day today: Making a difference in people's lives.
You should think of 5 different ways to express the idea of making a difference in their lives. Why? Because it is too simple and common to say you want to "make a difference." All professions make a difference. Be specific!

:-)

What has OT got that other professions lack? Is it something about your unique talent that makes you a great OT?

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: Eating out or Eating at home? Home food is the best! [8]

A cook in the kitchen, for example, is not necessarily as careful as a father cooking for the others in the family, who know that their father pays attention whenever he is cooking.

...such as standing at a counter or sitting on a carpet.

In conclusion, I prefer eating food at home rather than at a restaurant, because I feel healthy, and I'm able to tasting taste various ...

Great job!! This essay had only a few small errors.

Writing Feedback / "Child's learning process" - Teaching Context [3]

As far as I am concerned, a child's...

learning process in learning from consists of experience, knowledge, and meaning derived from knowledge.

Transfer learning; a child should know the ...

In the contextual teaching and learning are is an approach that empowers students with the hope that more students could extract knowledge in their minds, not merely memorize facts.

With that process, rational knowledge is always changing according to the pace.---I don't really understand this ending.

The second option seems better! Active learning is better than passive learning.

Writing Feedback / Faridabad, Tracing a town's culture [6]


I think this sentence should include a word or phrase that hints at what message you will be giving about this cultural evolution. In the moment she is reading this sentence, the reader is not yet interested. You can hook the attention by revising this important sentence.


This sentence makes me think you will possibly be writing about your own personal evolution rather than that of a culture.


This makes it sound like you are talking about a handoff that consists of life itself. The parents moves aside to let the daughter or son take their places as the people-in-their-prime-in-this-world.

similar to each other's.

Writing Feedback / Originality does not mean thinking something that was never thought before; it means [8]


To make it work in the essay, explain how Newton combined existing ideas to create new ones.

Writing Feedback / Originality does not mean thinking something that was never thought before; it means [8]

Here is a good rule to follow:
When writing about complex subjects, make sentences simple.

Scientists were not curious about basis reason of an issue. Here, you are writing about a complex subject, and the sentence's meaning is unclear. Scientists were not interested in challenging their existing ideas. All their energies were put only in justifying the phenomena based on what they already believed.

In a case of need, ???

They were not able to explain some phenomena, and the practice of relating the phenomena to magic and superstitions was prevalent. On At that time, Newton was...

This is a great sentence:
Another example is about a famous cardiologist, Michael Fox, who is well-known due to his combination theories in medicine.

After a while, biomechanics, an interdisciplinary major, was introduced to the world. This example shows that, just by looking around more precisely and combining old devices, one can achieve meaningful innovation.

:-)

Undergraduate / Change in a person's life ; Issue of importance [4]


These titles don't do anything to my mind.

When you give a title, give a title that will RAISE A QUESTION in the reader's mind.

Here is the theme that I see at the end of the first paragraph:
"change in one's life can be either positive or negative and can represent progress or calamity, but in the final analysis it is one's own choice as to what to make change represent."

You Can Choose What Your Change Represents

This is a title that raises a question and helps to plant your idea in the reader's mind. I don't know if it is the best title to use, but I give it to you here to demonstrate how to raise a question in the reader's mind.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The american dream/economic mobility essay [3]

Living the American dream today is almost like trying to keep up with the
times. (Now add a sentence that tells what these 2 concepts have in common.

Today there seems to be a struggle for people trying to achieve the American
dream. Too obvious. It has always been a struggle.

Do not begin a sentence with "such as"... Such as For example, the lower class people they are at the bottom of the ladder so to speak, and also, as explained in The Economist: "On the other hand, the current wave of globalisation may not be widening the gap between the poor and the rest. Indeed, the headwinds of the global economy are being

felt less by Americans at the bottom than by those in the middle. And those at the bottom
have different fears, immigration high among them" (give the author's name and the page number). In contrast, it seems...

In Bruce Bartlett's the truth about wages, he mentions, "Another possibility is that workers have been so beaten down by layoffs and givebacks in recent years in the union that they are grateful enough just to have jobs, even if their pay stinks" (page number). I agree with this...

Keep practicing!! Most importantly, use paragraphs. As you practice, make paragraphs that have 4 or 5 sentences.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: "quick decisions are unsafe decisions" [15]


Ha ha... is it? I am just an objective thinker. Girls have more of a hormone called oxytocin, which creates a feeling of wanting to nurture and care for others. Guys produce about 7 times more testosterone, which is associated with aggressive behavior. So... it is no surprise that 1.) men are so aggressive that they end up in more leadership positions, and 2.) women are more nurturing/caring, so they would do a BETTER job in most leadership positions.

:-) Ha ha... men and women are both crazy in different ways, both crazy, but women are a safer bet.

So... yes, I am a guy who is a feminist. I don't mind admitting the truth!! LOL

Graduate / Do you consider yourself a person who would contribute to our schools diversity [3]

They would make irrational judgments about my heritage and name, and I will never forget how it all made me feel. I've forgiven those people for what they did, and I am stronger because of all this. ---I like this detail.

This is a good place to use colon:
This taught me the kind of person I hope to be: someone who will...

:-)

What is the word limit for this? I think you should add a paragraph if you are allowed to write a longer essay. Tell a little about your plan for the future. Tell about your plan for entering your chosen field, and that will also reveal a little about how you will contribute to the school's diversity.

Writing Feedback / Of all the mentioned five countries, Turkey had the highest spending in food, drinks and tobacco [8]


No more of this, Xin Gao! You can give some useful feedback each time you visit someone's thread. :-)


Deyasini, I was impressed by your whole essay... and especially this sentence! This seems like the work of a professional writer.

For the second essay... please start a new thread for each new essay. I noticed this essay in another thread, actually, so let's keep each essay only in one thread.

:-)

We are lucky to have you! You write well.

Writing Feedback / Of all the mentioned five countries, Turkey had the highest spending in food, drinks and tobacco [8]

You have some great sentences...

Adequate training helps to sharpen an individual's talent, whereas inborn talent produces the optimum results out of all trainings. ---I made a small change here.

A diamond fresh out of the mine is crude and not considered a jewel, but after considerable cutting and polishing, it becomes one of the most expensive things desired by man. Similarly, an individual born with ---great example!!

All the great musicians, sports stars and other artists of today and the past have been able to ...

In conclusion, I believe a person can be taught to be good in music, arts, or sports, but to rise above others some talent is required.---I took out some unnecessary commas.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Long Dusty Riverbed" Admissions [7]

Everyone who graduates Basic Military Training will leave having learned something about themselves. that they never knew before. Trim away the excess for powerful sentences.

She knew I could do it, even if I didn't.---This sentence is a little unclear. It is not very bad... just a little unclear.

Take away the word THAT when you can:
Although I will be in a new town filled with new people that I have never met, I know now that those people will be my partners through it all.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "borrowing money from a friend and friendship" - TOEFL iBT [4]

Hi Mahrou, nice to see you again. No, I did not know it was you, because I didn't look at the name!
:-) Okay, keep practicing...

If you want to get rid of all your errors, you can type the essay again below, and we will see if you still have errors.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) What's the greatest invention in the modern world? [4]

Well, I have read that on the ietls or the toefl it is best to take a stand about the question -- yes or no.

You should say "no" and explain that the Internet has had more of an impact. It certainly has had more of an impact than flight, I think!!

:-)

Your first paragraph is too short. Take a stand and commit to that "no" argument right at the end of that first paragraph. If you add one good sentence to the end of that first paragraph, you will be making the essay twice as strong as it is now.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) Internet teaching or traditional school? THX~ [4]

...brand new way for all citizens, particularly in rural area.

Thus some parents suggest that traditional school education should be replaced as children could acquire more information through Internet.

Further, none of the teachers have the capability to master the knowledge associated with various disciplines.

In other words, less information is taught by teachers compared with the powerful Internet.

Plural: Those... fail
Those who advocated the new education approach, however, fail to consider the fact that distinguishing the right from wrong is a tough task for the young.

Although a sea of information is provided, it is a pity that most of the information has not been proved by the authority empirical research.

Compared with home study through Internet, traditional education still shines with irreplaceable benefits.---I agree! Also, this is a well-written sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - 'infrastructure' - How to solve growing traffic and pollution problems [7]

There has long been a debate about whether it is a good idea to raise the price of oil so that we can control increasing traffic and pollution problems.

With the improvement of our living standard, more and more people can afford cars, what cause and this causes many questions.

From my part, price is not the nicest policy or solution for this, and in the following, I would like to present my point of view. I don't think it is enough to tell the reader (at the end of the first paragraph) that you are going to present your point of view. You also have to give a sentence that sums up the rationale. Do you know what I mean? At the end of the first paragraph, it is good to give a sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay.

For all of these above, from my part, increasing the price is not a wonderful way and not the only way. ----In this sentence, it is good to use "not" twice to make sure the meaning is clear.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Important truths are outrageous when they begin; GRE ISSUE TOPIC [4]

At the end of the essay, you wrote rigidness, but you could also write rigidity.

That is not important, though.

The very important topic of religion vs. Science science should be taken forward for discussion before coming to a concluding remark. ----I simplified here.

Keep it plural:
... unlike their predecessors.

In today's world most of the countries are democratic and hence people have got more rights and privilege to speak openly.

Times have changed now, and it is...

Do not capitalize science:
With time science has overruled the religious sentiments of the people, and...----I added a comma, too. When you have a "compound sentence" use a comma before the conjunction.

Plural:
Scientists have landed on the moon and explored space, and definitely a day will come when they will successfully venture to other planets and many more truths will be unfolded going forward. and it New ideas will be accepted if proven without much criticism.

Try not to write such long sentences! Even if your English is perfect, you should write short sentences. Short sentences are more powerful. :-)

Book Reports / Universal Theme in Night by Elie Wiesel [3]

That's great advice, Sandra! Sparknotes is a good resource to help students understand themes in a literary work.

Taylor, your job is like this: Skim through and find 5 quotes. Then, think about each quote and the ideas it expresses. For each quote, write a paragraph about how that quote relates to the theme.

You can do it with anything. For example, if I was writing about the theme of leadership, I could take your quote:


This quote demonstrates the leader's ability to give specific instructions about what is expected of her human assistants.

I don't know if that example is easy to understand, but... if you DO understand it, you will be able to write about any theme/quotes.

Write one paragraph about each quote -- i.e. that is, write one paragraph about how each quote is related to the main theme of the paper.

Graduate / "Occupational therapy" - PERSONAL STATEMENT, why I chose OT? [5]

This was a very hard decision, but we could not risk losing him. ---Here, you are talking in the past tense. So, when you move into the "perfect" tense, use the past perfect: My grandfather had always...

... been my hero; he had served in the military as a general for many years, I had grown up admiring ---No need to capitalize military.


You feel like you are missing something because you are expressing a very general idea -- helping others.

You should express an idea that is more specific. For example, you can combine the ideal of helping others with the idea of dignified fearlessness, such as that exemplified in your grandfather. Do you know what I mean? Sharpen your message and make it more specific.

If the theme of the essay is just "helping others," that is too nonspecific. It is better if you discuss some articles by occupational therapists, some books, and most importantly a theme that is as unique as you are. It just has to be unique in the sense that you express your own unique perspective on it.

I think this essay is already impressive!!

Writing Feedback / Free mobile phone and access to the Internet to find jobs sponsored by tax payers? [9]

In early years of twentieth twenty-first century, there are many problems that happen with the increase of globalisation around the world.

In some countries, unemployment climbs up, highly which creates big trouble in the economic system.

... don't share their secrets about...

... any trouble to society, such as: burglary, stealing, and so on.

The economic situation will improve significantly for both the government and its citizens.
and free access to the Internet from the government to unemployed people.

I can't give you a score, because I don't know how the judges will score it, but I can tell you that it is very clear and easy to understand. However, you would not get a perfect score, because some of the verb tense was incorrect and some words needed minor changes.

I think you are doing very well, though! Please type the WHOLE essay again, and apply the corrections you've been given. :-)

Grammar, Usage / Communication in contexts. What does it mean? [15]

Okay, so you do not know what the program is going to teach you, but you have to write a statement about your purpose for entering this program.

Well, you probably know what you want to accomplish in the next 5 or 10 years, so you can write about that purpose. Do you know what I mean? "communication in context" is just one part of your program, and your purpose for entering the program = your idea for what you want to accomplish in the next 5 - 10 years.

You do not necessarily need to write about a purpose for wanting to be in this particular part of the program.

However, I think you must be able to look on the school's website and see info about what this part of the program involves. All the answers you need will come from either 1.) the Internet, or 2.) your plan for the next 5 or 10 years.

Your purpose = Your plan.