Research Papers / Draft Essay: Undertstanding the Average Teenager [3]

Hi Esmi, I hope my insights are not too late. First of all, once again, WELCOME to the team! This website has been serving the best of us and made each and every feedback and as much as valuable to your writing projects as possible. We never fail to provide you with the most accurate and credible criticism in order to guide you in discovering different writing techniques and hone your skills in this great craft.

Now, as I read through and review your essay, I can't help but notice the length of the essay, I'm not sure if you are following a certain word count restriction or you just want to elaborate your thought on the task at hand. However, I like that fact that you manage to keep the essay smooth, each and every paragraph has a continuous idea from the previous one ad this is very important, this is where your readers will draw the overall picture of the essay.

Furthermore, I believe you can still keep your presentation, when it comes to the numbers of the paragraphs, make it a maximum of 4 paragraphs, not by deleting any of the paragraphs but by merging the paragraphs, I suggest this because, sometimes, the length affects the interest of the readers towards reading and understanding your essay. As mentioned, overall, the essay has clearly depicted your thoughts and ideas on the task at hand. Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) Number of annual visits to Australia by overseas residents [4]

Hi Chiang, first of all, I find your analysis very accurate to the graph, it is not only using a very uniform format of explaining the details of the graph but it also depicted the right information related to the provided representation.

What I also notice is the fact that you were able to create the relevance of the graph into the explanation you made in the analysis, I find this review technique to be very good because most of the time, the analysis is only done like a presentation, what or how it should be done is like a story telling, however with strict limitations, the information as well the formality of the analysis should still be observed.

As much as I love how the analysis is done, I would like to point the last couple of sentence in your analysis.

- These figures were nearly fourthfour times as much
- visitors offrom the East countries
- were much more than those of the west countries.

There you have it Chiang, I hope the remarks are still valuable and even more so, useful in your revision as well as for your future writing reference.

Writing Feedback / Is the improvement of schools the most important factor in creating a progressed, thriving country? [4]

Hi Hector, no worries at all, we are happy that you acknowledge our efforts here on EF, we do strive to provide you with the best and most accurate feedback, in order for you to be able to come up with a strong and confident paper, because remember, what you write reflects the person you are and at the end of the day, what you write on a piece of paper is a graphic representation of your thoughts.

While you're at your revision, mind the minor points that I have mentioned, make sure that all your punctuation marks are in the proper places, the linking verbs are there, as well as the tenses, plural and singular are also cautiously placed in the right order in the sentence.

Overall, I must say that you have the right writing technique that made your essay stand out and I hope you will not stop discovering new techniques in writing as well as expand your understanding in formal and informal writing. Keep writing, cheers!

Undergraduate / Why you would like to come and study at Far East University as an exchange student? [7]

Hi Nrakad, the revised essay is definitely better than the original one, however, I still find a few notes that can be enhanced.

2nd paragraph
- I have believed that being an
- could beis one of the best life experience
- during a period of timethat I can have .
- intentioninterest to apply

3rd paragraph
- new thingspeople ( you don't meet things, you see them ) .
- Travelling - traveling ( make sure you have your spell checker to have your spellings corrected at all times, this minor mistake can be fatal to your essay as it can change to whole thought of the essay )

Final paragraph
- interest after I get accepted to be an exchange student as I have always expected.should I be accepted in this program. ( the previous phrase sounded off, like you are being arrogant or too proud and this is a no no as well, be confident but not too confident, be positive but not overly assumptive )

- jobs to accummulatesave an amount of
- will be further developedmy skills, in order to prepare for my future and advantages.

There you have it Nrakad, I hope you will be able to create the final revision of this letter of application and the best of luck to you!

Writing Feedback / More enhancements in security system due to the recent upsurge in the number of offences [6]

Hi Minh, thank you for acknowledging our insights here on EF.
We do strive to provide you with the most accurate feedback and be your resource in coming up with an even stronger essay.

Now when it comes to inappropriate vocabulary, I don't necessarily rate it as inappropriate, I call it misplaced, this is because, sometimes, we are so engrossed with our writing that we just go through it and put as much words as we could, not focusing on the amount of ideas we already flooded in and this is just normal, this is when proof reading comes in, if you forgot to proof read it, don't fret, EF is here for you.

Mistakes, we all have some at one point or another, this is why we practice and we dedicate time as well as effort in our writing. Moreover, mistakes come in when you tend to loose that focus in your writing. This is why it is important to have another keen eye to look into your writing projects. I do hope that you write more and keep learning different writing techniques in the process.

Writing Feedback / Is the improvement of schools the most important factor in creating a progressed, thriving country? [4]

HI Hector, upon reviewing your essay, I must say that the amount of weight you put into writing is absolutely heavy, you made sure that your ideas and opinions on the subject at hand are loud and clear, your willingness to tackle the issue in a bold and significant detail definitely transpired in the essay and this is a good trait of a writer.

What I also notice, is the free flow of information, the logical aspect of your story is nevertheless, very vital in making sure that the story is all in one piece or thought. Sometimes, we tend to write a full length of essay and we are so engrossed in the topic that we tend to go out of the borders of the needed information to strengthen the essay but you made sure that this is all covered.

Furthermore, the group of words you chose to incorporate in your essay are words that, may not be on daily conversations, but are absolutely easy to understand from an average readers view.For the last sentence of the essay, however, below are my thought;

To repeat the reasonsHaving said that, a good discipline system and team work are prime factors and I think theywhich I believe is carrying more weight.

There you have it Hector, I hope my insights helped and are useful in your revision.

Writing Feedback / The effects of corruption on society - it's the chronic problems on the top of the world [5]

Hi Rachel, as I came across your essay, I immediately notice that you are not an English native speaker, but you know what, a lot of us are, the good news is, we never stop learning the language and get better everyday. Learning, especially, learning a language, is a process that takes a lot of effort, determination, time well spent and the spirit to be good at it. One practice that I do, which I know most of us will be hesitant at first, is to speak English as much as you can and read English literatures, reading is one great way to open your mind to discovering how words come together to form sentences and understanding it and its meaning will definitely help you get better at this craft.

Now, here's my thoughts on the first two paragraphs of your essay;

- Corruption is thea chronic problems
- on the top of the world that is happening within every country in the world today .
- This matterpractice mostly comes
- cheat another for their benefits without ethics- this phrase is not necessary .

- The first effect of corruption is that it damages the country, - use of the budget money and resources
- and the projects
- other that is quality goal life people isare not appropriate.
- F or example,
- not less than a year
- must be rebuiltneeds repair or maintenance
- because to usethe material used is of low quality.

There you have it Rachel, the above modifications as well as the ones previously written are great remarks that you should definitely converge, this should be able to help you create an even stronger essay and I will try to get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Writing Feedback / More enhancements in security system due to the recent upsurge in the number of offences [6]

HI Minh, as I was reading as well as reviewing your essay, what I particularly like is the fact that, you did not rely on conversational English words, what I mean is, words that are not used on a daily basis, you tried to create a whole new sentence using different sets of words without creating a confusion on the idea that you put out in the essay.

Most of the time, I suggest a writer to take on the normal route of writing in a very conversational manner, using words that are easy to understand by an average reader, with your work, you discovered and placed the right words at the right time as well as the right meaning, you also made sure that you don't make you reader feel intimidated with the words you choose.

Furthermore, though the essay is longer than I expected it, most of the essays that answer this prompt is about 3 paragraph long and a maximum of 4 paragraphs including the conclusion, then again, it's not a matter of length, it's a matter of you going out there and writing the right words into sentences, making sure that the ideas are not redundant, the thoughts are logical and there is a sequence of ideas that is clearly conveyed to the readers. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / The diagrams illustrate the growth of Salmon, one of the species of big fish. IELTS Task 1 practice [7]

Hi Muhammad, it's always a great pleasure to be able to provide you with the most accurate feedback you can get in each and every writing project that you do.

Now, while you're at your revision and as a general note, be cautious when writing an analysis over an essay. An analysis has a graphic representation, therefore, the analysis will have a basis where the reviewers can match the information and the understanding you have towards the graph or the diagram.

An essay, on the other hand, is a representation in itself, of your opinion, your thoughts and your analogy of a certain topic, therefore, the reviewer will definitely rely only on how the story progressed and one good essay is something where the story did not only have a logical sequence but also have a process to tell in its own.

I hope to review more of your work and should you need further assistance or just want to share any thought you have, do let us know, we are here for you.

Writing Feedback / People are never satisfied with what they have; they want something more or something different [4]

Hi Majd, I hope my remarks and observations are not too late.
What I notice as I read along and review your essay is that, it definitely started strong, you made sure that the introductory paragraph of the essay is somehow written in a way that there is an oozing confidence from the side of the writer. You know exactly what you are writing and where you want your writing project to go as well as the way it is presented. The fact is, I was so engrossed in reading your essay that it was as if there are still a lot more to come, until it hit the conclusion part.

As much as I love reading the first as well as the succeeding paragraphs of the essay, the conclusion did not deliver the same strength as the previous ones.

To better explain my side, please find the suggested modifications below;

- have is, actually, aone of the leading
- reasons for the
- until( I don't know where this word "until" fit in, but it's better to delete it ) because
- everything vanisheswill when losingyou loose both hope and ambition.

There you have it Majd, I hope the above remarks are still useful in your revision.

Writing Feedback / Learning a new language early is good or bad? It's definitely a wise decision. [2]

Hi Peter, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we are greatly pleased to welcome yet another member of this very supportive website.

We strive to provide you with the best and most accurate feedback and the comprehensive notes in order for you to come up with stronger writing projects. You don't need to receive any harsh feedbacks, there's always a good way to learn and take others observations.

Moving forward, as I read your essay, I must say that you were able to touch the each points needed to create the overall idea of the essay. You made sure that the argument you present is current and realistic, meaning, that it happens in real life.

However, the essay was stretched in a way that some of your ideas are coming as redundant, the key to create a well managed essay is making sure that each and every paragraph has transitioned smoothly, like your ideas is building a continuos story, not something that you already mentioned in the beginning of the essay and re-word it in the next. Overall, the thought of the argument is evident in the essay, just a little modification and delete a couple or more sentences that depicts the same idea of the previous one.

Writing Feedback / Why money are very important factor in today's world? [5]

Hi Alvius, here's my take on your essay;

- Since prehistorypre historic times ,
- human beings have been using
- things they have, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) to

- But nowNow ( avoid using "but" in the beginning of your sentences ) ,
- peoples in doing transaction.
- We don't have to bring such a big thingsanything
- to exchange it with ourwhat we need,

- So Money nowadays
- Because money isIt's a tool for
- struggles and compete to
- daily life need , we can use
- to get a better livebetter in life ,

- As goes the saying :goes; " don' t ever underestimate the power of gold"
- much the bad things will happen in our life.

There you have it Alvius, I hope the above remarks are helpful as well as useful to your revision. Should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here for you.

Writing Feedback / You have received a gift of money. What would you buy from these options? [4]

Hi Payal, thank you for acknowledging our feedback.
While you're at your revision, mind the following;

- the flow of the essay, each paragraph should coincide with the previous one, as mentioned in my first review

- in your conclusion, it's as if you made a summary of the essay, though this is a usual practice, you can decide to change it or create a different approach. Say for example, writing a general opinion on money being given as gifts, please find my thoughts below.

Overall, money as a gift can definitely give you a lot of different choices, it's pretty much a gift of choice in a form of money. Though not necessarily advisable, I prefer money to gift to my love ones and myself, simply because, it's more appropriate, you give more freedom to the person you are giving it too. Money is seen as the root of everything, bad or good, but hey, money is an earthly piece that is meant to be spent and earned. The cycle goes on.

There you it Payal, I hope with this insights, you will be able to provide and come up with an even stronger essay.

Undergraduate / 'very impressed with what I saw' - advice on my Naval Academy Personal Statement Admissions Essay [3]

Hi Anne, upon reading your essay, all I can say is WOW!
For a lady to dream of becoming a Naval Officer, that's a huge challenge and it's very courageous of you ta take on that challenge. I have known only a few lady Naval officers and they have nothing but heart warming stories of heroism, putting their lives first to the serve the nation and be able to protect its inhabitants. It's just WOW!

As I read along, I also find it really great that you look up to Him, the God above, who is the reason of our existence, believe me, I have written and read as well as spoke to a lot of people in this lifetime and not a lot of them talk about Him out loud, let alone share their feeling and praises for Him, I for one don't go to church religiously, but I know in my heart and in my mind that He is the reason why I live the life I have now and I will continue living for Him and with Him. He is all we have, in good times and bad, He never leave us.

As you face this challenge, I know He will be there to support and guide, be true to your intentions and He will always be by our side. Going back to your essay, it speaks a lot about you, your goal to serve the country and become like your father, the learnings you got from him and from your own experience is very evident in this essay. Having said that, I believe the essay is written and managed very well, the progress of the ideas and the logic of the events are properly shaped and presented. I wish you the best of luck and with His blessings and guidance, you will definitely be where you want to be. See you soon Lady Officer!

Undergraduate / Studying abroad to pursue an accounting degree of global standards;Study Plan for studying in Canada [2]

HI Hasib, as I was going through your essay, what I notice is the lack of smooth transition in the ideas you presented in the essay. First of all, this is a study plan, it's main focus should be the academic side of your life, now don't get me wrong, it's always good to have additional information such as you background, however, the ideas did not flow smoothly.

Also, the third paragraph may not be necessary for your essay, you can either shift the focus to correlate this idea to the following paragraph or delete it altogether.

Now, I have a few suggestions below for the last paragraph of your essay;

- Bangladesh is not only mine but alsojust my country, nut my father's
- and his father's my country of birth.
- So thisThis is my origin,
- I cannot walk away from my origin showing my back- this sentence is not necessary .
- Conversely, the inhabitants of this country are in need of eminent intellectuals and excellent researchers which I intend to be. So my country will be looking forward to me, thus I deviseI owe it to my fellow countrymen, the responsibility of showing

There you have it Hasib, I don't agree with how you end this study plan, however, should this be the way you want your story to go, then that should be it. I wish you the best of luck and do let us know what comes out of this application, we would love to hear from you.

Essays / Need help finding unique topic for college transfer essay! (Prompts included) [5]

Hi Morgan, first of all, as the instructions are written for this essay, it should already provide you with the basic inputs you need to include in the essay, now, hold it, I know that you're confuse as this task can be difficult and very difficult,I say this because, the pressure of explaining to the committee why they choose you or welcome you to their institution is like applying for a job that you so want to have but you have a very slight idea about.

Now, for A, follow along, write about yourself, what your motivations are in transferring to this institution, be careful not to talk bad about your previous school, this will only leave a negative connotation. Also, try to inject a few notes on your academic achievements or background, in this part, be cautious not to overwhelm the essay with this information, remember, the instruction said not to itemize your essay with all your academic notes.

For B, write about an issue you're most comfortable with,not to exaggerate but something that can make you talk for hours and you will never run out of something to say. That's about it for me, I hope you will be able to come up with a draft and you don't have to worry,we are here for you.

Writing Feedback / At universities and colleges, sports and social activities vs. Classes and libraries [2]

Hi Sonia, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that this is just the start of a great partnership, we strive to provide you with the best and most accurate feedback in all your writing projects. Here on EF, we make sure that you will be able to present a more credible and a strong essay for the purpose it is meant for.

Having said that, please find the suggested modifications below;

- that the budget
- of the universities isare limited.
- deserve to be expendedexpanded the
- best with regards to this subject,
- it is needed to lookbe reviewedat thein both sides
- I will try to explain some specific reasons
- according to which I thinkbelieve are the
- most and well-known

There you have it Sonia, this is just a few remarks made for the enhancement of your essay, I hope it's helpful as well as useful in your essay revisions and should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here for you.

Research Papers / Research paper about declawing - why declawing cats is detrimental to their health and well-being. [4]

Hi Mary, first stop, when it comes to editing or deleting your post or review on someone else's essay, it can only be done in 20 minutes after posting your review, this will be a chance for you to either edit your review or completely delete it, otherwise it will be posted as final. On the other hand, however true that this is one of the grounds for suspension, EF reserves the right to check and verify your post, as you are a new member, they will not suspend you automatically, they will give you feedback and guidelines on proper posting and review, after a few reminders and one still commits the same mistake, that's when one gets suspended, so relax :)

Moving forward, the fact that this is a research paper, an intensive understanding and research of the topic is definitely what will solve your problem. One practice that I do when writing a research paper is that, I make sure to follow through the process, the stages, from the introductory, to the body and to the gathering of information all the way to the conclusion of the paper, this way, you will be able to not only progress properly, but you will also be able to nail all the necessary details that a research paper needs.

Having said that, your issue on the length of the essay will be solved if you follow the steps religiously. Going back to your writing, I believe the information needs to researched further, your citations are definitely needed, as this is the basis of your research and the only way for the reviewers to verify the source of the information in the paper. I hope to review the final paper soon.

Writing Feedback / This is a religious meditation. It talks about our received graces. [5]

No worries at all Nguyen, I hope the remarks were helpful and even more so, useful in your revision. One thing that you have to consider while you're writing your revision and writing in general, is that, you have to have that confidence, believe in your writing. Believe that your writing project will not only be just a piece of a written article but an article that will hopefully move people, encourage people to believe in what you believe in. Be honest and realistic, as much as you can, in your writing.

Moreover, when you write, mind the English language rules and make sure that you follow them through in your article. Also, mind the minor additions such as the linking verbs that completes the sentence as this will affect the overall outcome of your essay, this will also train you to be more cautious, to properly present your essay whenever you write and this will become a habit. You will never be a pro if you don't practice and be determined to get better.

I wish to review more of your essays and writing projects and as mentioned, should you need further assistance, we are always here for you.

Writing Feedback / You have received a gift of money. What would you buy from these options? [4]

Hi Payal, upon reading your essay, you have a very classic approach in answering the question when it comes to this kind of situation. Money as a gift, definitely means a lot to people, for some, money saves lives, most of the time it's a piece of paper that is earned and spent the next day. What I'm trying to say is, money is a material thing that is meant to disappear and re- appear the next time.

Furthermore, as munch as you essay is very entertaining, the reasons or probabilities of you spending your money is quiet realistic, realistic because, the last part of the essay didn't come as strong as the previous ones, I say this because, experience cannot be bought, or do you mean, you are going to study or pay for training in order to gain experience, then yes, this is going to be relevant to the the previous paragraphs.

Overall, it's a well managed and properly written essay, aside from the observation above, I hope you will be able to send a clearer revised format of the last 2 paragraphs. Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / The diagrams illustrate the growth of Salmon, one of the species of big fish. IELTS Task 1 practice [7]

Hi Muhammad, here's my take on your analysis.

- The graphsdiagram ( as the prompt says, it's a diagram, mind the instruction and the prompt itself) illustrate the growth of Salmon, - one of the species of a big fish.

- There are three stages of the Salmon's growth.
- This fish needs to reach to each of these phases
- Salmon lays its eggs
- in the upper river, whereas the stream
- near somearound the small stones and reeds.
- it is hatched intobecomes a fry or baby salmon,

- into a smolt,
- becomes an adult salmon completely .

- In conclusion, the salmon havehas three

There you have it Muhammad, overall, there is an improvement in your writing, from the moment you started writing to how your analysis is done like this one above. For future writing reference, mind the construction of the sentences, you are still missing a few minor linking verbs, the word choice is a lot better and this should help you create an even better analysis on your future projects.

Writing Feedback / The chart and graph below give information about sales and share prices for Coca-Cola. [5]

Hi Nguyen, don't worry about your post, as we said, it's your first post so you get a free pass, :)

Now, for future writing reference, specially when it's an analysis, make sure that the analysis follows a uniform format, from the unit of measurement, like if you have percentage (%), make sure that you use a symbol right next to the number or the figure of the sentence. The figure that is extracted from the graph or diagram should also be very accurate, as much as possible, never add or delete ay information illustrated in the diagram. This is an analysis and it is very crucial to be up to the tiny bit of information.

Furthermore, analyzing the data is understanding it first, once you have understood the diagram, it will be very easy for you to write your analysis.

Moreover, the overall analysis is very close to the diagram you provided and what I could say is for you to be consistent with the information and this should create a strong analysis.

Undergraduate / Why you would like to come and study at Far East University as an exchange student? [7]

Hi Nrakad, no worries at all, we are here to help you out in every way we can. I really hope you make it into becoming an exchange student, this is a chance for you to discover not only other culture but definitely discover yourself in the process. The travel, the experience is just a bonus, the learning is the most important take out in this whole process.

I for one has become an exchange student, it may not be an international exchange but it surely did me very good, it opened a lot of doors, I learned a lot and made me who I am today, this is why I do pray that you make it to the list of this exercise.

Now, when it comes to your writing, you need to put or exert a lot of confidence in your writing, your confidence will take you places and this is what you also need to build. The art of writing can be honed and your confidence too, make sure to practice, read a lot, read aloud and try your best to proof read your own material, a healthy competition from other students writing will also boost and create that sense of getting better if not the best out of the whole pack.

Keep writing!

Undergraduate / Why you would like to come and study at Far East University as an exchange student? [7]

Hi Nrakad, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we are glad that you found this very helpful and useful website. We strive to provide you with the most accurate and objective feedback, in order for you to create a more meaningful and stronger essay.

Now, as I was reading your essay, I must say, I'm quiet confused, most of the words and sentences, yes, has the idea of what you want to impart to your readers, however, it does not have the right essence of the message you would like to send across your readers. To betted understand what I'm trying to say, please find the modifications below;

- All people have desires!!!( avoid writing your punctuation marks in a continuos manner, this is a formal writing)
- The desire of each people areis ( mind your tenses) totally different.
- My desire? I would
- not everyone think
-I cannotcould do it .
- Personally, I think if I can do it if I could getI believe I am a great addition to the institution should I be given a chance.

- As a result, I would like to submit this essay to tell the committee that 'I am ready to take a chance'.- this sentence is not necessary

There you have it Nrakad, I hope the above corrections are able to help you in your revision and while you're at it, mind the formality of your essay, make sure that it is written in a way that you are like submitting a formal letter or a plea for the institution to hear your application to become an exchange student. Remember, this is a once in a lifetime chance, so you have to give it your best. Also, make sure that you are confident in all the ideas that you present in the essay, don't say, "I think", instead, say "I believe", this way the panel or committee knows that your decision is strong and indeed, you are ready for the challenge.

Research Papers / Thying to solve and look for solutions, on the immigration issue. [3]

Hi Carlos, first of all, immigration is really a very complex topic to write about, it's one of those topic that you can either write continuously and get hooked on it, or don't start at all because you don't know how or where to start the research on, however, as I read through your paper, I must say, you covered most of the points needed to get the information through to your readers. As what you know, whatever we write and publish online can mean a lot of things, depending on the person reading it, so we have to think before we click. Now, on you part, the research was intense, you created life to the argument and made sure that none of the valid pints are left behind.

As one of the contributors provided you with a very comprehensive writing feedback, what I can suggest is that, when writing a research paper, try to write or encode your citation alongside the information that is extracted from the source, this way, the readers will be able to see the work cited straight away, I've been doing this practice for a while and it actually helps the reader understand the paper better.

Furthermore, you still have to write the citation page as this is a part of the paper. Overall, this paper has been very informative, you have the right sources of information that definitely created the meaning and how to tackle the issue at hand.

Writing Feedback / Governments spend a lot money on improving Internet access. Why? Is it the most appropriate use? [7]

Hi An, upon reading and understanding your essay, I must say that you have a very powerful conviction towards the opinions you have for the task at hand and KUDOS for that, not a lot of students are actually engrossed in such a topic as government budget, though I understand that one thing that makes it interesting is the fact that it also concerns todays generation, the usage of internet is absolutely useful not only to a particular group of people but to everyone. It bridges the gap in communication, reaching out far and wide in making our modern life more fascinating and interesting than ever.

While it is true that there are other more appropriate sectors of our community that needs more funding, I agree with your opinion that, strengthening the internet capability is not up to the government to shed its budget for, education, health and sustainability to live a comfortable life are just a few of the many issues that needs more focus and more funding from the government. In the end, the private sector will be able to manage the internet part of technology, this is their expertise and once they get it right, the tax that this companies pay the government are suppose to be able to help the country in other more pressing issues such as above and in addition, poverty.

Your essay depicts current events, it is very realistic and this is what a good essay is all about, we write the daily lives of people, our existence matters and technology should be secondary if not, it can even be at the bottom of the governments priority.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Modern Technology influence on access to important data [5]

HI Fatma, as I was reading your essay, it actually feels as if I was reading a published article already, I say this because, the essay you wrote is very realistic, it depicts current events as well as the changes that technology brought to our lives over the past years of its development. Indeed, technology has transformed our lives in a way that we never expected, as they say, it swept us off our feet.

Nevertheless, the essay also made sure that it touches future technology inputs that will further or enhance the experience of us humans in using technology. Moreover, it is a well done and managed essay, with all the right inputs, the details of minor links that completes the sentences.

The paragraphs also transitioned well, the ideas are not overlapping each other, instead, they are helping each other in order to create that bold overall sense of the task. I hope the insights are helpful as well as useful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / This is a religious meditation. It talks about our received graces. [5]

Hi Nguyen, what a very heart warming essay, and it is feel good read.
Indeed, a lot of times, we forget to say our graces, gives thanks to Him and more often than not, he is the one we count on when we have problems or are facing tough decisions in life. While most of us are thinking about our future, our business, our money, acquiring knowledge and other earthly possessions, we should remind ourselves that we are just passing through this wonderful world and at the end of the day, we will come face to face with Him, therefore, He should be a part of our lives.

Now, as I go through your essay, I believe it can still be enhanced and below are my suggestions;

- ourselves. Because, because ( avoid using "because" in the beginning of the sentence ) of that,
- w e are rarely
- to recogniserecognize that we
- So, it maybe leads us to feel sad, lonely, jealous.- this sentence is not necessary
- We forgot that what we are having are significant timesreceive is far more than
-what we deserve.
- grace only .
- God gives us livegave us life and dignity
- the only one human being in the world".
- Each person has received a privateabundant
- Nobody has a same with others. It witnesses that the diversity of God's graces have appeared on people.( God treat us with equality and no one is above anyone in HIs eyes.

There you have it Nguyen, the above modifications should be able to help you with your revision. Do let us know should you need further assistance.

Writing Feedback / What is one kind of plant that is important to you or the people in your country? (wheat) [5]

Hi Payal, it's absolutely great to hear that you are practicing everyday in order to improve your writing. Indeed, this is the most effective way to improve not only your writing but the overall concept of honing yourself in this craft. Writing is an art of not only mastering the English language but more importantly, giving voice to the ideas you have in your head, once you have them written, the reader will understand you better, will know what your opinions are and will be able to help move that idea and turn it into actions, as you know, our pens can definitely move the world and it has done it in more ways in the past and will continue doing it in the days to come.

Now, what I notice in your writing is the fact that, you have the idea in your head, your understand the logic behind the prompt, however, how you manage to transpire that idea into writing was not quiet parallel. Of course it takes a lot more practice, what I like about you is that, you are trying your best to come up with your own writing, you made it known that you can do it and you did it fairly well.

For future writing reference, try to gear towards modern day writing, not necessarily catchy or flowery phrases, but something that will not sound like it was written years ago, change the vocabulary you use, instead of "humans" you say "people", rest assured, the essay has been interestingly written.

Writing Feedback / The chart and graph below give information about sales and share prices for Coca-Cola. [5]

Hi Nguyen, as this is your first post, I will not drill you too much on posting the graph or the diagram, however, note that this is very important, specially in the part of us, reviewers, simply because, without the graph we will not be able to figure out where the information came from, we don't have any basis of the analysis that we are reviewing, not only that, with the graph, you can be sure that we are giving you the most accurate review on your analysis and we will be able t provide you with your much needed feedback.

Moving on, as our subject is "Coca Cola", as much as I want to encourage you in substituting the subject with "it", or any other substitutions, mind that you cannot substitute it with "Coca", as this can mean differently from the subject. Coca, can be chocolate or other ingredients that make medicine, but not Coca Cola, what I suggest that you use is the word, "soda", because it is a general term for beverage.

Overall, the analysis is written in a manner that it is comprehensive, however, as I said, there will not be any basis for this analysis, as the graph is missing. You can always add it when you write after this review, so we can get back to you for further analysis.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: mathematics and philosophy are too difficult, so they should be made optional by students. [5]

Hi Keely, below are my suggestions for your essay.

1st paragraph

- These days, with an increasing
-number of children having chances
- to study atin school,
- some of them argue that some difficult subjects
- of decided bythe government deciding for them .
- compulsory, even if they
- may be a little difficult for learningto learn .

There you have it Keely, as you can see, there's still a little bit of work for your essay, the minor changes needs to be fixed immediately in order for you to address the concerns of the sentences without leaving it behind. This way, you are able to complete the sentence in a manner that it has all the necessary additives that comprises the idea. I hope the modifications are useful and you follow through in creating the revision.

Writing Feedback / Discuss The Effects of Unplanned Urban Expansion [4]

Hi Emin, upon reading your essay, I must say that it almost feel like you are very hesitant in writing it, like you are unsure of the inputs that you have in your project, but of course, I cannot blame you, as English is not your mother tongue, you will really be feeling this way. However, you need to be confident in your writing projects, this will be felt by your readers and being confident will take your projects and yourself along way.

Now, to better understand my observations, we start with this sentence;

- It is only 180 words. It should be more longer than this. - you see, "longer" is like saying a lot more length, so "more longer", is redundant )

2nd paragraph
- Firstly , overcrowding is a problematican - like crime, umempoyment and homelessnessunemployment and housing .
- increased withdue to people migrating from villages.
- and, therefore, they are not able to earn money. So that, they could not find accommadation and crime has increased.- this sentence is not necessary

There you have it Emin, this is just the first leg of the modifications, I will get back to assist you further. I hope the modifications are useful.

Writing Feedback / Writing Practice: USA Summer Camp job application (Need Correction) [3]

Hi Wilson, please find find additional help below;

- I'm a College student in college from Taiwan,
- my liveslife ,
- I always look for the activities that
- faculty,as well as the orientation camp.
- So I'm a fan ofTherefore, I am keen in joining
- join different kinds
- I think I'm enthusiastic enoughbelieve, I can effectivelyto take part
- but also because I have a
- Otherwise sinceMoreover, I've been
- to the US for twice,
- used to the daily works

There you have it Wilson, I hope you are able to follow through with the corrections and modifications made for your essay. Do let us know should you need further assistance.

Writing Feedback / In about 140 words write a paragraph about the importance of doing exercises [4]

Hi Quyen, indeed, WELCOME the the team, it's always good to welcome yet another member of the team and we hope that this is just the start of a great partnership.

Moving forward, I must say that this writing task is quiet straight forward, definitely not that easy, as you have to make sure that you strictly follow the word limitations as instructed. Now, as I read along, I notice a few minor changes that can be enhanced to make your essay strong. To better understand this observation, please find the corrections below;

- There are many important reasons
- Firstly , taking exercises keeps us healthy.
- Secondly, exercises aids us in maintaining fitness
- and possessinghelp us possess
- cheapinexpensive way
- for obesityobese people
- to achieve atheir weight-losing goal.
- and relaxingrelaxes us. Because, as it releases chemicals
- so that each of us should plan to do it regularly.

There you have it Quyen, I hope the above modifications are helpful towards your revision and for future writing reference, mind the position of the words in the sentences, the minor details are also very crucial such as the linking verbs as well as the tenses as this affects the overall idea of the essay.

Undergraduate / Autobiography - Simple Introduce myself [6]

Hi Derek, below are additional help for your essay;

- atwith the comic book called "SLAMDUNK "
- when I was a child.
- I always wentvisit to the library
- for readingto read a book about it.
- So my first dream isI dreamed to
- become a basketball
- ButHowever, I realized I
- true when I was in the secondary school. Because, my - tall enough,at only have 170cm.
- Therefore, I had to change my dream path to be anmind and choose to be an electronic engineer instead .
- electronicsproducts such likeas telephones,and computer speaker.

- who really likesloves social activities

- other cultures and people and discoverin different countries.
- I don't want just see'm not contented seeing it on TV, I want to experience it by myself.

There you have it Derek, I hope the remarks above completes the modification of your essay and are useful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Six categories of energy consumed / predicted to use - in the US over a period of 50 years. [4]

HI Mandy, below are my suggestions for your analysis.

- It's clear that the total amount
- of energy consumed, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) increase considerably
- and oil andas well as Coal.

- which accounts for the least
- parts,and stood at around 4 quadrillion units.

There you have it Mandy, overall, it is a well written analysis, you were able to draw your understanding of the graph and you managed to explain this comprehension in your analysis.

However, for future writing reference, aside from creating the basis of the analysis, you have to properly indicate the unit of measurement in the beginning of the analysis, this will save you from not mentioning the units in the later part of the essay, pretty much the outline of the analysis should be written in the headline.

Undergraduate / Autobiography - Simple Introduce myself [6]

Hi Derek, I can see that you have a lot of support here from the contributors of EF and I hope you follow though. Now, I would like to share additional insights to help you enhance your essay.

- a comma (,) is not necessary when it is followed with the word "and"

- as you are writing your sentences, try to read it out loud, this is a good practice for you to make sure that you are able to come up with a sentence that has the details of the idea you are trying to impart to your readers

Furthermore, please find the modifications below;
- My English name is Derek, and I was
- born in Taichung ( Taichung???, is it in China, Taiwan?, please be specific ) .
- I am twenty-one years old now .
- I am currently studying at NTUST in the department
- After summer vacation, I will up to third grade( this sentence is not necessary ) .
- I was born fromwith a normal family
- mothers in my life .
- It isI am very lucky to have two sisters like them.

There you have it Derek, I will get back to you for the rest of the essay and I hope you follow through with the suggested remarks.

Writing Feedback / People usually choose their jobs which offer a higher salary than others [3]

Hi Eggshell, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that this is just the start of a new partnership, we are for you and we strive hard to provide you with the most accurate and objective feedback.

Having said that, please find the modifications below;

- jobs that has a
- salary is the concernedasor the most essential factor
- while other factors are still important.

- On the oneother hand,
- high wagepaying job,
- enhance the level of jobwill motivate them in their performance.
- While some other people decide
- a career onout of passion,

There you have it Eggshell, I hope the corrections above are helpful and even more useful to your revision. For future writing reference, mind the structure of your sentences as well as the verbs that you incorporate in completing the idea of the sentence.

Writing Feedback / Six categories of energy consumed / predicted to use - in the US over a period of 50 years. [4]

Hi Mandy, below are my observations on your analysis;

- It's clear that the total
- amount of energy consumed in the USA ( you have to indicate your subject in order to establish it, then you can substitute it in the succeeding sentences )

- petrol and oil andas well as Coal.
- the energy consumed.

- comecame from petrol and oil.
- sources of energy consumed,

There you have it Mandy, overall, the analysis was written well, you just have to make sure of the consistency of your information, make sure that the unit of measurement is either mentioned in the beginning of the analysis or you write it side by side the figure that is extracted from the given graph. Also, you need to make sure that your subject is properly manifested in your writing and this should be done in the beginning too. I hope this insights help!

Undergraduate / I was not awarded the scholarship - I began to view myself as a failure... [10]

Hi Dennis, as I read your essay, I understand the drive you are aiming at, you want to create a little bit of drama into your writing, the art of creating an article that will remain in the minds of your readers, though the intentions are true and correct, this idea did not transpire nor help your essay at all.

To further explain my view, please find the corrections below;

- There was once a time in my life when I learnt about Healthy living, to specific,All my life, I strive to maintain a healthy diet.

- gain the optimum health
- fried foods,( when followed by the word "and", a comma is not necessary ) and
- that wereare harmful to my body.

There you have it Dennis, I hope the corrections above are able to explain my observations towards your essay with the focus on the first paragraph. For future writing reference, unless otherwise stated, avoid creating that drama or some sort of theatrical speech in your essay, specially when you're writing a scholarship essay. One thing that a scholarship essay needs is to be formal, direct to the point and most of all, the logic of each and every idea.