Writing Feedback / In about 140 words write a paragraph about the importance of doing exercises [4]

Hi Quyen, indeed, WELCOME the the team, it's always good to welcome yet another member of the team and we hope that this is just the start of a great partnership.

Moving forward, I must say that this writing task is quiet straight forward, definitely not that easy, as you have to make sure that you strictly follow the word limitations as instructed. Now, as I read along, I notice a few minor changes that can be enhanced to make your essay strong. To better understand this observation, please find the corrections below;

- There are many important reasons
- Firstly , taking exercises keeps us healthy.
- Secondly, exercises aids us in maintaining fitness
- and possessinghelp us possess
- cheapinexpensive way
- for obesityobese people
- to achieve atheir weight-losing goal.
- and relaxingrelaxes us. Because, as it releases chemicals
- so that each of us should plan to do it regularly.

There you have it Quyen, I hope the above modifications are helpful towards your revision and for future writing reference, mind the position of the words in the sentences, the minor details are also very crucial such as the linking verbs as well as the tenses as this affects the overall idea of the essay.

Undergraduate / Autobiography - Simple Introduce myself [6]

Hi Derek, below are additional help for your essay;

- atwith the comic book called "SLAMDUNK "
- when I was a child.
- I always wentvisit to the library
- for readingto read a book about it.
- So my first dream isI dreamed to
- become a basketball
- ButHowever, I realized I
- true when I was in the secondary school. Because, my - tall enough,at only have 170cm.
- Therefore, I had to change my dream path to be anmind and choose to be an electronic engineer instead .
- electronicsproducts such likeas telephones,and computer speaker.

- who really likesloves social activities

- other cultures and people and discoverin different countries.
- I don't want just see'm not contented seeing it on TV, I want to experience it by myself.

There you have it Derek, I hope the remarks above completes the modification of your essay and are useful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Six categories of energy consumed / predicted to use - in the US over a period of 50 years. [4]

HI Mandy, below are my suggestions for your analysis.

- It's clear that the total amount
- of energy consumed, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) increase considerably
- and oil andas well as Coal.

- which accounts for the least
- parts,and stood at around 4 quadrillion units.

There you have it Mandy, overall, it is a well written analysis, you were able to draw your understanding of the graph and you managed to explain this comprehension in your analysis.

However, for future writing reference, aside from creating the basis of the analysis, you have to properly indicate the unit of measurement in the beginning of the analysis, this will save you from not mentioning the units in the later part of the essay, pretty much the outline of the analysis should be written in the headline.

Undergraduate / Autobiography - Simple Introduce myself [6]

Hi Derek, I can see that you have a lot of support here from the contributors of EF and I hope you follow though. Now, I would like to share additional insights to help you enhance your essay.

- a comma (,) is not necessary when it is followed with the word "and"

- as you are writing your sentences, try to read it out loud, this is a good practice for you to make sure that you are able to come up with a sentence that has the details of the idea you are trying to impart to your readers

Furthermore, please find the modifications below;
- My English name is Derek, and I was
- born in Taichung ( Taichung???, is it in China, Taiwan?, please be specific ) .
- I am twenty-one years old now .
- I am currently studying at NTUST in the department
- After summer vacation, I will up to third grade( this sentence is not necessary ) .
- I was born fromwith a normal family
- mothers in my life .
- It isI am very lucky to have two sisters like them.

There you have it Derek, I will get back to you for the rest of the essay and I hope you follow through with the suggested remarks.

Writing Feedback / People usually choose their jobs which offer a higher salary than others [3]

Hi Eggshell, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that this is just the start of a new partnership, we are for you and we strive hard to provide you with the most accurate and objective feedback.

Having said that, please find the modifications below;

- jobs that has a
- salary is the concernedasor the most essential factor
- while other factors are still important.

- On the oneother hand,
- high wagepaying job,
- enhance the level of jobwill motivate them in their performance.
- While some other people decide
- a career onout of passion,

There you have it Eggshell, I hope the corrections above are helpful and even more useful to your revision. For future writing reference, mind the structure of your sentences as well as the verbs that you incorporate in completing the idea of the sentence.

Writing Feedback / Six categories of energy consumed / predicted to use - in the US over a period of 50 years. [4]

Hi Mandy, below are my observations on your analysis;

- It's clear that the total
- amount of energy consumed in the USA ( you have to indicate your subject in order to establish it, then you can substitute it in the succeeding sentences )

- petrol and oil andas well as Coal.
- the energy consumed.

- comecame from petrol and oil.
- sources of energy consumed,

There you have it Mandy, overall, the analysis was written well, you just have to make sure of the consistency of your information, make sure that the unit of measurement is either mentioned in the beginning of the analysis or you write it side by side the figure that is extracted from the given graph. Also, you need to make sure that your subject is properly manifested in your writing and this should be done in the beginning too. I hope this insights help!

Undergraduate / I was not awarded the scholarship - I began to view myself as a failure... [10]

Hi Dennis, as I read your essay, I understand the drive you are aiming at, you want to create a little bit of drama into your writing, the art of creating an article that will remain in the minds of your readers, though the intentions are true and correct, this idea did not transpire nor help your essay at all.

To further explain my view, please find the corrections below;

- There was once a time in my life when I learnt about Healthy living, to specific,All my life, I strive to maintain a healthy diet.

- gain the optimum health
- fried foods,( when followed by the word "and", a comma is not necessary ) and
- that wereare harmful to my body.

There you have it Dennis, I hope the corrections above are able to explain my observations towards your essay with the focus on the first paragraph. For future writing reference, unless otherwise stated, avoid creating that drama or some sort of theatrical speech in your essay, specially when you're writing a scholarship essay. One thing that a scholarship essay needs is to be formal, direct to the point and most of all, the logic of each and every idea.

Writing Feedback / Fewer languages can make communication easier, so why bother to protect them from dying out? [5]

Hi Mandy, below are additional remarks for your essay.

- country'country's culture,
- which can't and shouldn't be deleted from people's mindforgotten .
-may comes to mindinto our brain .
- represents a part of memorable history of a countryof a country's history .

- SoTherefore, I believe we must

There you have it Mandy, I hope the above corrections add to the suggestions for the modifications of your essay. The fact that you started with a pretty strong idea, this should be followed through to the entire essay, however, this did not materialize which you don't necessarily have to worry about because we are here to help you out. I wish to review the revised version soon.

Writing Feedback / What are the advantages and disadvantages of the using new technology to teach students ? [4]

Hi Thuy, below are the remaining suggestions to correct rather enhance your essay;

- Therefore, the students will feel be excited about learning.
- Secondly, people are also find it
- easy to discuss about the lesson
- and it is easy tothus, attracting the student's attention.
- The interactive environment between people will beis made. At, at the same time,
- the Internet, computers .
- disadvantages of all is that,
- the cost of buying them
- poor schools cannot be afford
- passive inat work.
- Example,( this is not necessary )
- forto the question.
- They ought to have though by brain. - I'm just not sure what you mean by this sentence, please shed some light.

- some ofcreates problems
- relatingrelated to technique.
- It will affect on the qualifythe quality of lessons. - Ex, the failureFurthermore, power failure make teaching equipments

- Summary, anythings also haveTo sum up, anything in this world, including technology, has two sides.
- traditional teaching approachtechnology .

There you have it Thuy, shorty after this, I hope to review your revised version and I hope you follow through with the above suggestions.

Writing Feedback / Fewer languages can make communication easier, so why bother to protect them from dying out? [5]

Hi Mandy, below are my contributions for your essay.

- I disagree with the viewpointthis point of view - because I believe that, ( don't forget you punctuation marks )
- language also act as otheran important
- roles inpart our life rather

- tool loading within aiding people's ethnic - identity and connects andthe relationship
- who have gotknows the language and this is part of their qualification.

There you have it Mandy, this is the first leg of the modifications done for your essay and I hope you find it helpful and rather useful to your revision. For future writing reference, mind the punctuation marks of your sentences, this affects the overall reading phase of your essay and it can also affect the idea that you are trying to impart to your readers.

Writing Feedback / What are the advantages and disadvantages of the using new technology to teach students ? [4]

Hi Thuy, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that you find this website to be helpful as well as useful to your writing projects. We strive to provide you with the most accurate and credible feedback in order to strengthen your work and hone your skills in this craft.

Having said that, please find the suggestions below;

- Nowadays, almost ofall teachers
- isare using
- the new technology to
- it will bringsthe better pointsremarks ,
- buthowever, ( I believe this is a better word for this part of the sentence) like the most things
- that change, it also havehas some drawback.

- Using the new technology bring some of benefits
- that we cannot ( cannot - one word ) deny.
- First of all, the lecture is very important
- withto teachers and students.
- It has influence to the qualify about studing ofquality students are studying these days .
- These days, to applyApplying the new
- AboutFor a teacher,
- knowledgeresources for their lessons.
- As the students also save the time aboutin
- and increase the self-study ing skills
- Add to thereIn addition to that , it will

There you have it Thuy, this is just the first leg of the modifications, I will get back to you for the rest of the essay, as you can see, there is quiet a lot of work to be done to polish your essay and I hope the above remarks are helpful towards your revision.

Writing Feedback / As contemporary music is becoming more popular, we tend to forget about traditional music. IELTS2 [4]

Hi Andy, here's another leg of the modifications for your essay.

- And IfShould we want
- ButHowever, recent research showed,

- In this viewHaving said that,
- I don'tcan't say that traditional
- thing thatas one is
- better than anotherthe other in terms of music.,
- b ut we shouldn't
- is a kindpart of our culture
- that we need to preserve it tofor the next generation.

There you have it Andy, I hope this final suggestions, further enhance your essay. As mentioned, mind the flow of your ideas, it seemed as though the ideas are either redundant and sometimes, broken and this affects the overall outcome of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Does Nation require to teach same curriculum throughout the country? [3]

Hi Shanti, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback for your writing projects. We aim to pump up your writing projects in order to create an even stronger and credible essay.

Having said that, below is my share for your essay;

-The primary goal
- of education is to modify students'( an apostrophe is not needed in the word "students") behavior
- in a positive
- for their future consequencescareer .
- to have a uniform and
- but actually for most of the cases ,
- In few cases , a country
- not takebe an advantage
- fromfor a uniform population.

- Uniform curriculum will not necessarily results uniform outcome.
- becomesu npredictable.
- They might not able to persuadepursue the degree that they want.

There you have it Shanti, I hope you are able to follow through with the corrections above. For future writing reference, mind the constructions of your sentences and make sure you don't forget the necessary punctuation marks and other minor details such as linking verbs.

Writing Feedback / Essay about recording keeping through video or witing [5]

Hi Phuyal, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, I do hope that this is just the start of yet another partnership.

Now, I'm not sure of your request for an outline or paragraph of an essay. What do you exactly mean, are we talking about the same essay?, because I will not be able to write one for you, we are here to review and improve your work and not to do the original or the base part for you. Anyhow, if you have any topic that you want my idea for, let me know so I can provide you with feedbacks and insights.

Further to your writing, learn and practice the English language religiously, one thing you can do is watching English movies or series, new perhaps, reading is also a great alternative, this way you will learn how words are are used in a sentence, the idea, the thought and how they are manifested in the essay or the reading material. To get better in this craft needs a lot of work and dedication, it also pays when you read other students work here on EF, this will give you the chance to do a healthy competition and drive to be better than what you are reading.

Writing Feedback / Characteristic of business models. [4]

Hi Yuan, I would like to share my thoughts on your writing project.
First of all, the presentation of your essay is rather unusual, you don't put a space between the last word of your sentence before you put the period, it should be right after the last word. Also, the paragraphs are, yes with indentation, however, this is not necessary for your article.

Furthermore, the way your ideas are written is not in the format where one can see the uniformity as well as the logic behind the ideas. I can also see that you have received quiet a modification here from one of our EF contributors and I hope you follow through. Also, I understand that you would like your essay to be as creative as possible, you also used words that are considered relatively deep English, words that are not used is daily normal conversation, though this is accepted, however, as you are writing a quiet complex topic, it pays to use daily conversational English words, this will not only provide you with a clearer perspective but will also give you a whole lot of room in expressing your ideas in a manner that you yourself can understand.

There you have it Yuan, I hope my insights helped and I wish to review the revised essay soon.

Writing Feedback / What a strategies you have to adopt to be a good listener? Someone correct me this paragraph. [4]

HI Achraf, here's my take on your essay;

- We should adopt adifferent ( I believe this is a more appropriate word to be used in this part of the sentence ) strategies
- Firstly, we have to be interestinginterested ,
- whichwherein, when the speaker
- for example, if we do not
- also,takentaking notes
- help us to remember things.
- Finally, hold back, trying to let remarkeskeep your remarks and objections or opinions until the speaker finish his topic,
- Good listeners have to be interesting,
- speaker, that will let him be a good listenerit is a two way process, a listener and a speaker .

There you have it Achraf, there is not doubt that you have the idea and how to properly approach your essay, however, you still need a few more practice, as it shows that your ideas did not really manifest in the essay. Learn the language religiously and document your progress, this way, you will be able to see how far you have developed and where else you need to work on. Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Essay about recording keeping through video or witing [5]

Hi Phuyal, here's the second leg and the final modifications for your essay.

- The recorded items from a video
- camaracamera may not
- information can either may be lacking of information or misrepresented.
- that was happenit happened in April, 25 ,2015
- the CC Camaracamera record
- does not include all the moments that occurred in this tragic event .
- For the detailed description
- and informinginformation for future
- Day by day,many diseasterdisasters like flood ,
- Similarly, the explanation
- of the recordingrecorded items
- tofor the interestingof the
- for enlightening purposesharing or proper documentation .
- SimilaryAlso , it is
- always not always possible
- But it is not possible .- this phrase is not necessary as we have established this idea in the beginning of the paragraph
- If luckly camara is avialble then other necessities like battery , stand for camara is also required which is itself illogical .- this sentence can be eliminated too.

- SinceAs recording from a
- video camara not necessierly include all the requirement , analysis of result itself very difficult , and it is not always possible to carry camara all the time video camara cannot give convincing record of contemporary life all the time.camera is not as reliable as other methods of documentation in preserving information, thus, recording is just one effective way to capture memories but not necessarily to keep pertinent information.

There you have it Phuyal, I hope you can follow through with the modifications. For future writing reference, widen your vocabulary, practice the language more often and draft as much as you can, this way you can see your progress, also, avoid repeating the same idea all through out the essay, it doesn't help you at all, it just makes the essay confusing.

Writing Feedback / Essay about recording keeping through video or witing [5]

Hi Phuyal, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website helpful as well as useful to your revision. We strive for excellence in all writing reviews we provide and may we be able to guide you in creating well written articles such as this one at hand.

Having said that, please find some suggested modifications below;

- The statement about the recording con temporary
- convincingly in itself isit-self contradictory.
- Though for the record of family amusingentertainment activity , entertainment purpose, and cultural purpose
- but for the purpose
- is unreleventnot relevant .

- The recorded materials itself becomes very
- difficult to analysisanalyze .
- Also, for the analysis,purposes
- searching in video camarawith the use of a video camera is a very difficult task.
- Similarly, many
- recording in video recording is not logicalis itself illogical .

- For example, International conference
- about global warming, all theparticipating countriescountry presented their idea
- and the documentation in video , itself illogical .

There you have it Phuyal, as you can see, this initial remarks are already mounting with suggestions to modify the essay, this is because, your ideas are quiet confusing, the vocabulary you used are unusual as well as not necessarily inclined to the idea you are trying to impart to your readers. I suggest you familiarize yourself with the proper English vocabulary and how you can relate them in your sentences. Knowing which word and how they are to be placed in your sentences will help you come up with better sentences.

Research Papers / Retaining Aging Experienced Nursing in the Workforce [2]

Hi Cybrniche, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website worthy of your trust in enhancing your writing projects and providing you with credible and useful feedback.

Now, as I was reading your research, I must say, you manage to create a paper that is not only true to its purpose but also very relevant to todays world. This writing technique is very crucial because most of the research papers we publish online will forever be included to future searches and there's nothing more than we want but to be able to help the future writers t come up with a well written paper. Having said that, what I also notice in your essay is the fact that, you have written the citation side by side the extracted information from the source, this is the modern approach to research paper writing, personally, I like this technique, this way, a reader can easily double check the credibility of the source of the information and this adds substance to your paper.

While it is true that the future workforce is aging faster than usual, this is not of a proble, provided that they are as effective as the younger generations, as they say, the more you age, the wiser you get.

Writing Feedback / Information in the graph about four kinds of delivering transportation methods in UK [2]

HI Naomi, below is my take on the line graph;

- about the four kinds of
- deliveringdelivery or transportation

- was used by the majority for over 28 years.
- frombetween the third to the second betweenfrom 1974 to 2002.

- AtBy the year 1998,
- carried by cargos had surpassed
- levelledleveled off and

- transport modemedium can be
- observed atin 1995.
- remained with almost the same
- tonnes atby the year 1974,
- which is only a slightly higher than 40 million tonnes.

There you have it Naomi, overall, the analysis is written fairly well, you just have to focus on the right context of your idea and the logical construction of your sentences, as this affects the overall outcome of the analysis. Remember, how your analysis is written depicts how well you understand the graph.

Writing Feedback / The demand of transportation is higher than ever and it leads to many chronic issues faced by human [2]

Hi Tran, as I read through the essay, I must say, you manage to express your point of view to the topic at hand, you elaborated credible aspects that led to the issues that humans are facing these days, however, as the beginning of the essay is strong, this was not carried our through out the essay.

Having said that, please find the corrections below;

- As a result, increaseincreasing the fuel
- cost is not the best way to address thosethis problems. - Therefore,the government need
- other solutions forin dealing
- with the growing traffic
- First, tT hey should take measure
- the newborn babypopulation growth that could lead to further issues .
- SecondFurthermore , developing
- and less developed countrycountries should
- used in developed onecountries so

- In conclusion,the growing traffic and problems
- countries all over the world.
- improve the Earth's quality of life here on Earth .

There you have it Tran, I hope the above corrections further developed your essay. For future writing reference, you have to know and properly place the right linking verb that will complete the thought of the sentence and for the batter part or the last part of the essay, avoid the process of enumerating examples such as labeling them with "first", "second" and so forth, at this point of the essay, enumerations are not the best way to elaborate your examples, you can either foster them as solutions or as answers to the issue at hand.

Writing Feedback / As contemporary music is becoming more popular, we tend to forget about traditional music. IELTS2 [4]

Hi Andy, first os all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website credible as well as useful to your future projects. We strive to provide you with the most comprehensive and objective criticism to back you up with the necessary enhancements of your essay.

Having said that, please find the suggested modifications below;

- We frequently see some people with
- the earphones attached t
- It lookssounds as if music has
- been becominga necessity to our life.

- There areis a wide range
- relieve them from stress they had .
- ItThis is understandable
- possible. Andand listening to music
- to ease our burdenstress .

There you have it Andy, I hope the above corrections are useful and even more so, helpful towards your revision. Also, for future writing reference, avoid using the word "and at the beginning of your sentence. Go direct to the point, sometimes it's the best way to go specially when you are pertaining to an idea or opinion with direct relation to the topic or the task at hand.

Writing Feedback / People tend to buy some goods which are not essential for them, even being short of money. IELTS2 [3]

Hi Radita WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be, not only helpful but even more useful to your writing projects. We strive to provide you with our most comprehensive and credible feedback.

Having said that, I would like to let you know that the presentation of your essay is very good, it is uniformly written, the paragraphs shows a very familiar pattern and as you know, presentation also affects the overall outcome of the essay and this will help build credibility to your articles.

Furthermore , I would like to share a few suggestions below;
- essential whileeven if they do
- not have athe capability to purchase it,
- as a result, they have to face a debt.
- this bad behaviourbehavior has a
- thethis bad shopping habit

- To begin with ,
- the first reason behind the issue is that,
- adult's behaviou r is the impact of treats
- which were given in theirdone when they were young ages .
- This is because children circumstancesbeing young is - that cannot be fulfilfulfilled when they
- are childyoung ( child is like 3-6 years old and this is not appropriate to the idea you are trying to build in this part of the essay ) ,

-with any human bad habit (shopaholic), for example,
- there wasis a possibility that something happened with
- when they arebecome adult.

There you have it Radita, I hope the above corrections help in your revision, as you can see, there's quiet a load of work to be done in your essay, however, with the above suggestions, you should be able to compose an even stronger essay.

Writing Feedback / The construction of public parks or a sport field for students? Proper funding allocation. [4]

HI Chun, below are additional help for your essay.

- parks can also can provide
- sports fields in which people
- baseball,( a comma is not necessary when it's followed by the word "and" ) and other ball games, not only just for students( this phrase is not necessary ) .

- In contrastOn the contrary ( contrast - for colors / contrary - for ideas ) with the construction
- of sports fields only
- public parks for the public .
- ThatThis does not only
- makes more people
- with every age level tend to use but also increase cost-efficiencyuse the public facilities but will also ensure daily activities at a more efficient way .

- For example, there is a park near my homehouse ( house - the building constructed where people live and the house becomes a home ) .
-In 1980s, the mayorCity Mayor of Taipei City
- sports fields just for students.
- However, the inhabitants waspeople desired that
- the public and combined with a park .
- that, the construction could
- increase the number of population toof people who will make use of the parks facilities .
- Hence,the government
- should be able to build public parks
- to increase cost-efficiencyfor greater welfare .

There you have it Chun, I notice that you tend to write the same idea over and over throughout the essay which makes it a little bit annoying, redundant and somehow, it's like you are telling your readers there's nothing more that you can say but the same idea from the beginning, yes it's good to stick to the main frame of the task but you have to give it your best to showcase different opinions and ideas that can be use to express your thoughts and answer the prompt.

Writing Feedback / The construction of public parks or a sport field for students? Proper funding allocation. [4]

HI Chun, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope to provide you with the most accurate and credible feedback for your writing projects. We also strive to show you different writing techniques that will definitely hone your skills in this craft.

Overall, the essay depicts what is asked of the prompt, you manage to showcase different angles of opinion that definitely left the reader thinking, this is somehow a realistic approach and true to the current situation of our world. However, I have a few minor suggestions that I would like to draw, hopefully this will enhance your writing project;

- First of all, when the government
- is spending money
- parks it can raise the living
- standard of its inhabitants,
- especially the ones surrounding the parks.
- There areis a park in Taipei,
- walking their dogs after work,

- near it due to its disgusting smell.
- Since a mayor takingA Mayor took office in 1990,
- he began to rebuild the landfill in to a park,
- with their life because of their home at thetheir house is nearby the park. T

There you have it Chun, pretty much, it's just minimal corrections, I hope you are able to follow through and for future writing reference, make sure that you properly incorporate the linking verbs to your sentences in order to create a complete thought.

Undergraduate / 'all drugs come with side effects' - Issue of importance; feel free to critique any mistakes. [8]

Hi Maha, I would like to help you out in your essay starting with the way it is written. First of all, the essay is written with the right idea, however, the way you expressed yourself in the essay is not as understandable as how you picture the ideas you want to impart to your readers. What I'm trying to say is that, you have the idea in your head but it didn't transpire in your essay.

To elaborate my claim, please find the below corrections;

- The ultimate truth besides me about drugs
- is that, ( don't forget your punctuation marks )
- all drugs have side effects,( the word and is not to be followed by a comma ) and that
- should all be warycautious with every use.

There you have it Maha, I hope the above corrections are helpful as well as useful in your revision. Also, I wish I was able to show you what I mean by your ideas being transpired in your essay, this is a very crucial part of the essay, hence, it should taken in consideration properly. Do let us know if you need further assistance.

Scholarship / Scholarship application essay for Laws school - postgraduate law degree in Liverpool [2]

Hi Bui, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope you find this website to be helpful and useful to your writing projects. Furthermore, may we able to provide you with the most credible and accurate insights to better your essay and be ready for submission.

Now, as I was reading your essay, I must say that speaks of you, your will to be a law abiding citizen and the person to create and strengthen the law of the country is very evident if your writing. Even more so, is the fact that you cited very realistic insights and current situations that definitely helped in making your essay more credible than any other writing.

However, words that you used are somehow overwhelming to a normal reader, I do understand that this is needed in order to create that level of formality but the phrase, "Beyond mortal lectures" as well as using 'because" to begin a sentence can be substituted with a simple, " Beyond the lectures of the four corners of the classroom", then the "because" can be substituted with " Due to", this is more appropriate and necessary to the idea you are trying to impart to your readers.

I hope this insights helped!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Social Networking Good or Bad to children? The high rate of internet usage concerns people. [5]

Hi Larry, please find further assistance below;

- actually do improve itcommunication between different people.
- children studyingto study overseas .
- Around ten years ago, the parents can
- through a phone
- call and parents cannot
- parent s to cross the
- parents to talk totalking with their children freely.

- As discussed above , social networking
- sites does not only provide
- parents a way to communicate

There you go Larry, this is the final group of corrections for your essay and I hope this brings your essay to the next level, make it more meaningful and more credible for your submission. I must say, I agree with your opinion on social media or social network as part of bridging the gap between kids and their parents, however, as they say, think before you click, because once you click it on the internet, it will forever be in the storage data of the world wide web and if its a bad insight, consequences will be fatal and of course if it's good, it is rewarding.

Undergraduate / Georgetown University essay - discuss extracurricular activity that you are most involved in [7]

Hi Adam, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I am pleased to welcome yet another member of this wonderful website. We strive to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback for your writing projects and should you need further assistance after each and every review, don't hesitate to write to us.

Having said that, I would like to let you know that as an overall review, your essay is written well, you manage to directly answer the prompt and the logical sequence is duly noted in the flow of the essay. For further revision, please find my suggestions below;

- but ithe also gave me
- in need, a home and a family.

- TheO ne thing I love
- ThisMy determination
- of mineto help goes for
- animals as well because, to me, animals,
- I knew since I was a littleas a kid
- that I when I gro w up,
- I wanted to work in the CIA,( a comma is not necessary when followed by the word "and")

There you have it Adam, I hope the above suggestions are helpful and I must say, animals are one with us in the eyes of the Almighty and all living and non living things, therefore, each and everyone deserves not only respect but even more so, our tender loving care and this has transpired in your essay. Job well done!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Social Networking Good or Bad to children? The high rate of internet usage concerns people. [5]

Hi Larry, to continue with the corrections, I am taking the next paragraph. I hope you find it helpful.

- For starters ,
- this is the social networking sites help parents to
- that parent can have better understanding toof their children.
- In many metropolisesmetropolis ,
- becomes a good meancommunication medium for these kind of parents.
- on the internet and
- used of it to understand their children
- thesethis kinds of sites
- provide parents a great
- way to understandlength to bridge the gap between the loss time with their children.

There you have it Larry, the essay is written fairly well, however, it can still be enhanced and one way of modifying it is to know exactly which form of the word or the tense either plural or singular form is to be used in the sentence. I should be able to get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Writing Feedback / [ielts Task 2 ] International Travel and Mass Media ease people learning other countries [2]

Hi Yon, though I may not be able to rate your band as to IELTS standards, I can assure you that what we do here on EF are aimed at making sure that you are going to submit a strong and well written essay in order for you to get the band you hoped for.

Please find my suggestions below;

- The explosiverapid development
- people to know more the cultures offrom other countries.
- is positively impactsfor the several considerations given below.

- tofor people
- inof other people from other countries.
- This reduces the misunderstanding
- Egypt will nodenod their heads
- would be resulted whencan be achieved by
- By travellingIn traveling to different countries
- by international travel , people
- of the countriesother culture .
- bring a more harmony in the world.

There you have it Yon, as you can see, there's still a lot of work to be done to polish your essay, however, the good thing is, you know exactly how to approach your essay, you just need to know the exact construction and sequence of your sentences so that your ideas will run smooth. I left the last two paragraphs in order for you to follow through with the corrections and practice proof reading.

Writing Feedback / Being a celebrity: a dream or a nightmare? [6]

Hi Narela, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, let us help you out in each and every writing project that you have and we strive to provide you with the most accurate and credible as well as useful insights and suggestions you need to enhance your essay and keep it stronger than ever.

Having said that, please find my suggestions below;

- Everybody areone is interested
- in becoming a famous peopleperson
- celebrity;, having costhigh value or luxury clothes,
- ButHowever ( refrain from using "but" to begin your sentences, substitute it with "however", "on the other hand", or any other word or phrase that denotes contradicting ideas ) ,

- who said being famous wasis always fun?

- So, they have so muchThey have fans,
- to the society
- a personpeople helps to
- somebody who hasn't gotdoesn't have

- On the other hand, there also some importantare a lot of disadvantages being famous, because. Because
- they are somebody'sfamous ,
- but they don't have any privacityprivacy,
- when they go out and the paparazzi' s are

- buthowever, those who get the

There you have it Narela, overall the essay is written in a way that a reviewer can understand and quiet frankly, I have to rephrase almost each and every sentence that you created, this is because, you are not paying attention to the sentence construction. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that you are trying your best and you are in the right category and determination as well as the will to learn and practice the language is the right course to make sure that you will get better if not the best at this craft.

Research Papers / Cracks description. Fracture surface and stereoscope image. [4]

Hi Ashkan, before I impart my views on your essay, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, I hope that this is just a start of our partnership, rest assured that we are here to provide you with the most accurate and comprehensive criticism for you to create an even stronger essay.

Having said that, I would like to start my corrections with how you asked for help in your essay;

- Hi, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) would you please correct my paragraph.
- I appreciate your help.

- As its received condition,
- ofa part is shown in Figure 1.
- The section was torched and cut
- from side wall of the truck body
- show a fracture surface
-the crack initiated
- at the center of the picture
- and propagated towards the upper
- right side of the picture.
- For crack number 2, it is initiated at the right
- side of the picture
- and propagated towards the left side of the image.
-buthowever, the crack initiation is absent.

There you have it Ashkan, the main correction on your essay was on the part of your linking verbs, the sentences are not complete without this details, so you have to be mindful, one practice that you can do is to read your sentences out loud, when a part of it sounds off, then that particular part needs enhancement.

Graduate / What are your specific expectations from the Master in Management?, My draft is as follows. [5]

Hi Aman, no worries at all, we are here to assist you with all of your writing projects. Don't hesitate to write us anytime you feel like writing, it doesn't need to be an essay, not even a formal writing, whatever it is that you feel like writing, you can let us know. I urge you to write, simply because this is one way for you to practice the language and go further in your writing.

When you do write, speak or read mind the following;
- the construction of the sentences, it should depict exactly what you are trying to say or impart to your readers
- the minor details such as the linking verbs, subject substitution as well as the punctuation marks, as minor as they are, they also affect the overall impact of the essay

- the presentation of the article, when you write, whether it is a draft or your final essay, make sure that you present your articles in a way that it is properly done, not overcrowded and with a logical sequence.

Last but not the least, when you write, make sure to create that connection to your readers, this a very valuable and notable aspect of a writer. I hope to review more of your essays soon.

Writing Feedback / Environment; Let me know if this issue essay of GRE is proper or not and rate on the scale of 1 to 6 [3]

HI Divya, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we aim to provide you with helpful and useful techniques in order for you to create an even stronger essay. Now, as I review your essay, I must say that you have managed to enumerate compelling examples in restricting if not eliminate environmental danger, however, reality speaks that this is going to be a hard path to take, but hey, we can take it one at a time and who knows, we will get this environmental issues out of our list of problems and deal with it accordingly in the proper manner.

Furthermore, I noticed the flow of your ideas and they somehow created that logical sequence of your ideas are observed in your essay and this is very crucial to your essay. This is crucial because if the flow of your sentences is not apt to the previous or to where you want your essay to go, then you will not be able to create that meaningful essay.

With regards to your question if you have the right GRE paper, I must say it may not be proper but it definitely answered the prompt and what is asked of you, you also manage to depict that idea that stresses the possible solution to the issue at hand. I hope my insights helped and should you need further assistance, do let us know.

Writing Feedback / Many people think that regions affect successful person. State your opinion. [5]

Hi Smith, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we aim to provide you with the most comprehensive and objective criticism in order for you to come up with an even stronger essay.

Now, as I read your essay thoroughly, I must say that the presentation of the essay is rather very informal, this might be because you are thinking that this is just a draft, however, draft or not, you should practice in presenting your writing references as your final essay for submission, this will bring you a habit of making each and every writing you do to be perfect and as what actors say, always ready for the camera.

Most of the corrections that I suggest you do on your essay is the linking verbs as well as constructing a meaningful sentence. This sentences constitutes the essay so you have to be very mindful.I can also see that you have quiet a lot of help from an EF contributor and I hope you follow through. I hope to review the final revision soon.

Writing Feedback / Eating at home has many advantages; it's safer for us because we know what we are going to cook [4]

Hi Quan, WLECOME to the Essay Forum Team, I'm glad every time we welcome new members of this wonderful and very useful website, we strive to provide you with the most comprehensive and objective criticism that will eventually enhance your essay and future writing projects.

Having said that, please find the suggested corrections below;

- According to meIn my opinion ,
- I would like to prefer eating at home.
- I think that eating inat home
- buy aremay be fresh or not?
- Nowadays, restaurants may buy the rotten
- thingsproduce like dead fish
- and thebe made into sauce from rubbish .
- for your own good.

There you have it Quan, overall, the essay is written fairly well, as you've mentioned this is your first thread and you are practicing the English language in a for of writing, I do suggest as well that you practice it as much and as often as you can, writing, reading and in your daily lives. I hope the above corrections helped and are useful in your revision.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] School with low-budget should cut P.E classes or art and music courses? [4]

Hi Phuong, I hope the corrections below are helpful and even more so, useful to your revision.

- group's point is preferable
- fordue these following reasons.

- since theythis will play an essential
- knowledge of themthe subject .
- theythis can be
- corrected and thusprevented to avoid injury.

- young students' welfare. - an apostrophe is not needed for the word "students"

Phuong, as you can see, there's not much to correct in your essay, however, for future writing reference, carefully select your words, this matters a lot in your writing, when you have the right words to associate in your essay, the ideas you want to impart to your readers will flow easily. Furthermore, simple words as well as daily conversational words are what you need in order to sed your message across your readers. I hope to review more of your writing projects soon.

Writing Feedback / Social Media Is Important, the need to control it before it controls you. [2]

Hi Heather, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope this is just the start of a great partnership between us, we strive to assist each and everyone, in order to come up with a strong and credible writing project and not just a project but something that is worth the read and even worth the time we exert to read it.

Guess what, you delivered just that! The moment I read the first paragraph, I must say, without reviewing the purpose of the essay, I was able to understand what you are trying to impart, as a reader / reviewer, I conclude that you nailed what is asked of you to write and deliver it in a manner that a normal reader doesn't have to flip through a dictionary to understand what you are trying to say and this is very important, the simple the words, the better it is for your readers and for you to reach them too.

Furthermore, you created a smooth flow of ideas, what's more interesting is that you are able to pull a lot of adjectives in your paper without sounding unrealistic, because most of the time, what happens is that, we put too much colorful words or adjectives to our sentences that they sound more like an imagination and not the reality of life, though imagination is needed in writing as it entails creativity, research paper writing is not the avenue to be creative, it should be written in a formal and informative way, somehow close to the reality of life and current events.

Research Papers / The Disappearance of the Middle Class [2]

Hi Jonathan, as I read through your research paper, I must say, it's one of those papers that one would love to review, not only did you make sure that the paper is presented well by highlighting each and every leg of the research, you also made sure that each and every paragraph coincides with the flow of ideas from the previous paragraph.

Moreover, I love the fact that the information is not overwhelming, your personal insights also helped in giving a personal touch ti the research, this is needed in each and every work that we do, this only means that you're not writing for the sake of it but for the purpose of imparting valuable information to your readers, it seems as though you embodied the thought of thinking before putting it in writing and this is a very good trait of a writer.

Overall, it is a well written essay, however, for future writing reference, try to write the work cited alongside the sentence or sentences extracted in the essay as this ease the fact finding committee that will critique your work and this practice will go along way, so far this is what modern research papers are trying to create but you still have to include that citation page as a summary to your work. I hope to review more of your essays soon.