Book Reports / Hamlet essay: what was Shakespeare trying to communicate? [3]

Hey, if you have access to google, this should be easy. Google this:
hamlet themes
or
hamlet context
or
shakespeare themes
or
hamlet analysis themes ans motifs

You will find brilliant discussions of how he communicated to the audience. Then, after reading those, see what your own opinion is. Go back and skim through the play again. You will be ready to confidently answer based on YOUR opinion, now that you spent 30 minutes reading online analyses.

Undergraduate / "A crew of ambitious engineers" - UIUC application essay [6]


Yes! Write about the scholars, the academic heroes of your field. Read some articles in a professional journal about your field of study.

Writing Feedback / GRE AW eassy_ all faculty should undertake professional work outside the campus [4]

It is widely accepted that the final aim of education is to shape students into ones people who can play reliable roles in the society.

For this concern, some people advocate argue that if we encourage teachers...

and the likelihood that they will successfully find out suitable work outside the academic world.

These are the correct uses of find and find out:
I want to find out what time the film begins.
I want to find a job.
I need to find my lost car keys.
I broke the refrigerator, and I don't want my landlord to find out.

Consequently, when it comes to solving the problem in the statement, the first question we should consider is the following: "Is it true that requiring faculty to undertake professional work outside the academic world is actually more effective and efficient than other ways to improve instruction quality?" Meanwhile, the specificity of each teaching field should be more emphasized. Not ALL faculties need to begin separated separate careers o ff campus; the decision largely depends on what they teach.

Undergraduate / Supplement Essay for Amherst College App " Difficulty need not forshadow ..." [6]


Yes, I like this a lot. It shows that you really did struggle and that you really do have this insight about how to adjust your attitude in the presence of adversity.

Good luck with this!

Writing Feedback / SAT essay:Should schools help students understand moral choices and social issues? [4]

Whatever I did may have been because of my own brain malfunction, so let's go back and check...

Wait here, I'll be right back! ...

Oh, I see why... it is because I was thinking the sentence sounded strange with ...helping students understand moral choices and social issues.------ actually, your way is not wrong, just confusing.

How about this way:
...helping students understand moral and social issues as they make their choices...

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]


Ever seen the movie Citizen Kane? Many think it is the greatest movie ever made. It has a theme involving the word "Rosebud." This word is full of meaning in the movie, because it it the word he utters before he dies. Everyone tries to determine if this word can somehow express the meaning of his whole life....

If you had to choose a word to express the meaning of your whole life, what would that word be?

Start from there. :-)

Undergraduate / survival situations - Short Essay Commonapp [7]

Hello Diego Rojas. You have a great name, a leader's name. Doesn't roja mean the same as red?

"Surviving on a mountain with a group of friends using only some abstract skills, one tends to anticipate death -- the death of his friends or worse his own.

When everyone followed me, I was very pleased; they trusted me.----very good imagery and demonstration of your introspection.

The company that I had in this situation was critical as it was with some friends and my sister, at that time the friendship becomes an unbeatable value.---- You write so well; I think you can write this sentence in a better way. It is confusing.

Oh, it's funny that leadership is a theme for the essay, because before I even read it I thought the name Diego Rojas sounded like the name of a leader.

Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/ and help us make sure everybody gets help with their essays during this upcoming busy season! :-) It will be great to have you around.

Grammar: Since I lived these experiences I learned appreciate the friendship the and nature and while I developed my leadership skills -- these leadership skills that I know are going to help me in the university life."

Undergraduate / CommonAPP short answer - I won the medal in Super Quiz Relay [4]

Put this all together as one paragraph:
My friends ask me why I am in Academic Decathlon. Why would I voluntarily take on more work? Why would I dedicate an entire Saturday to tests? What initially attracted me ...

Think about what profession you want to have after you get your degree. What skills does that profession require? What skills and insights are provided by the academic dec.? Any connections between the two?

:-)

This is excellent. The way you wrote it shows introspection and seriousness without a lot of melodrama. I like it!

Undergraduate / "the development of impoverished nations around the world" -Peace Corps Essay [2]

My interest in learning more about different cultures fueled my desire to move to an underdeveloped country post graduation and not only to submerge myself in that culture, but also give back to the community in which I will live.---- you'll be giving to that community, not giving back to your community. This does not seem worded right.

I am versatile and look forward to the opportunity to bring what I have learned in my life to a community for the purpose of bettering others' lives in exchange for acquiring knowledge and information about another culture.--- nice ending!!

I don't have much criticism. This is very persuasive.

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - Bring any person to a special place [7]

Be careful here:
By Experiencing the world in one place with Burch will allow enable me to link her stories and my experiences in the future to become a leader in this globalized world.--- nice!!

also...

...promoting peace through education in the Middle East with education has inspired me with his broad perspective of cultures.

These are impressive responses!!!!!

Undergraduate / Help with UVA supplement: "Our Road" [4]


Great analysis, Miller. This will be well-received.

blind perseverance unsettled me to my core--- nice!

I have no criticism for this!!

Actually, there is a little punctuation problem at the start...
The pervading sense of danger created in The Road (no comma necessary here) made for and unsettling yet interesting (you can use a better word) experience. It was lik e being followed by a murderer and after days of running, and having lost everyone I loved, the murderer was finally caught- and I had become involved with the journey (no semi-colon necessary) the two main characters were on.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Is Experience More book learning or significant in a person 's life ? Why ? [4]

However, the fact is that learning in books or experiences is better. (what does this sentence mean?)

Second, the experiential learning is very vast and interesting. Beside basing studies on theory in books, we need ...

For example, learning to ride a motor bike, use a camera, dance, or swim. We take an action, see the consequence of this action, and choose either to continue, or to take a new or diffirent different direction. That creates immediate concrete experiences that allow us to u we can use in further action. All in all, active...

:-) Keep practicing! You'll improve fast.

Graduate / "to become a health care professional" - Personal Statement- PA application [3]

How about this:
My year's experience of shadowing and assisting medical professionals has allowed me to narrow my interests in medicine by stepping through along the wide spectrum of efforts necessary for patient care.

This part:
my passion was more than clear as I continued to develop the motivation necessary for a career in medicine. it's a waste of a sentence that could be used for something more meaningful.

Along with these experiences my mentors have taught me great intellec ---no, I don't think they can teach great intellect.

...enhanced my maturity as I continued my journey through the education of health care. I have learned that medicine is more than just the science or art of healing; but it is merely also about compassion and the sharing of knowledge calmly with patients.

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me [11]

cheer squad and they form the muse from they are my muses when I draw my inspiration for life.

Look for unnecessary words and sentences. It i especially good to cut the modifiers.

It is quite ironic that my mother's name is Rose. Far from the delicate flower her name indicates, my mother is a fighter: knocking down challenges left, right and centre; but always coming back to her corner to discuss the next round's strategy with us. Ingrained in us from an early age, are values such as tenacity and amiability. She has demonstrated, quite practicably, that the issues affecting a person should never translate into devalued social interactions. In fact, rarely is the presence of friends as important as it is when one is facing trials. I intend to carry on this attitude within our room. Even when we are up to our knees in assignments and problem-sets, we should still find time to indulge. be it a cup of coffee at CoHo or perhaps even a casual hike up to the dish; we will form each other's support systems.

Scholarship / How to start an essay about obstacles in life? [4]


Yes, but let's not write about obstacles. Let's write about events in your life that are called obstacles because they prevent you from achieving what you want to achieve.

You say you have no obstacles. What if you decided to raise at least $100 per month for World Vision. Then, would you have an obstacle? What if you were going to do something about the way many women are mistreated due to religious beliefs in developing nations. Are you ready to make a difference, or do you have an obstacle to surmount?

If you notice that you have no obstacles, look around for something to care about.

Scholarship / Centers, infinity, absurdity--they're exciting [3]

Trim away the excess:
Concrete objects, abstract ideas, and even human passions have centers. --- interesting! Right after this sentence, it would be good to hit the reader with that thesis statement that is worth a whole essay all by itself. What is the subject that interests you. Ha ha... centricity, infinity, and absurdity.

...ideas such as this might have been the frights that inspired advocates of moderation (or word limits, for that matter). --- excellent!! You win...

You did great. Just make sure you balance the abstraction with some clear attendance to the prompt.
You can earn the right to give this dharma talk if you make sure that at the very end you USE SOME WORDS FROM THEIR PROMPT: "Why does this topic excite you? How does it impact...?"

Book Reports / How should i start... my essay on Romeo and Juliet? [3]

Start by writing one of the body paragraphs. All you need is a single sentence, because it will be the topic sentence for the para. So, just come up with one observation about how they're outcomes seemed predestined.

Then, finish the paragraph by giving an example.

Put that paragraph aside and write another topic sentence. Writing a topic sentence is like planting a seed for the paragraph. It will grow out of the topic sentence.

What events in the story seemed to show that circumstances were working to ensure the terrible outcome?

Undergraduate / Essay on an intellectual pursuit exemplified in a craft! [8]

Okay, in the first sentence all those adjectives were not too bad. But when you get to hear you have given to many modifiers...---> For years, I have adamantly pursued and wholeheartedly devoted myself to the enriching world of writing, as and I continuously pour all of my efforts into this art.

I am glad you are a writer. I recommend Stephen King's On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft.

Therefore my intellect, my values, my character, has been intricately fused through this one driving desire, this passion. vehement

Therefore my intellect, my values, and my character, have been intricately fused ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'Books cannot meet people demand in time so radio is the appropriate supplement' [4]

With the development of technology, media for communicating information are growing faster and more modern than many years ago. We can contact or get information through many ways, such as: television, radio or books. These sentences state the obvious. They are not good for making a powerful essay. Instead, begin by making an interesting observation. In my opinion, television, radio, and books are the most popular media for communicating information nowadays.

Should it be television, internet, and books?
Because of its convenience, people become more lazy and do not want to have to search for information, and the influence of TV to children is bad than good if they take so much time to watch TV everyday.

As a result, there have many media are available for communicating information, so choosing the best suitable for you is important if you want to avoid wasting your time.

:-)

Undergraduate / the THS marching and concert band - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity [6]

It's perfect. It is sincere and straightforward. However, it is not spectacular. It will be spectacular if even while discussing this you cannot help mentioning your chosen field. You can write about band in terms of how it will affect you as an aspiring (physicist?). So.. just like a married person whose every word reflects concern for the spouse, you can be so passionate about your goal that you even discuss band in terms of its ability to facilitate your progress toward achieving your goal.

Undergraduate / "an Interact Club" - University of Florida Essay! [4]

...what my teacher had said to me.

I see several themes: aiming high, a commitment to service, a commitment to this Interact clud... these are several disconnected ideas. What is the unifying theme!

Can you add a sentence or two in the first paragraph to express a theme to unite all of these? For example, your father's saying can be the unifying theme that makes you want to participate in Interact, serve at Thanksgiving time, and thrive in college.

Let that be the unifying theme! :-)

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [9]

The morning sun dimmed, and the atmosphere grayed. As I was whisked away to my rural childhood, and my chair transformed into a lonely stone in the midst of lush pastures. As the ...

I made this change so that you would not start 2 consecutive sentences with "as the"

This is nice! The style of writing seems like a violin.

My sister wants me to buy her an electric violin. Recommend any particular type or brand?

Undergraduate / Nursing School essay: Why do I want to be a nurse? [5]

Yet, at the same time, I strongly desired to make a difference in people's lives. Typically, with the two factors of human anatomy and benevolence, people gravitate toward medicine, a field in which they ...----- I crossed out the sentence about "at the same time" because the meaningwill still be conveyed without it.

...can also earn an admirable income. When it comes to the healthcare field, Most people assume that becoming a physician is the ideal way of benefiting society and themselves. However, for me, my interests inspired me to pursue a nursing vocation because of the __________ (give the truth that is central to this essay. Is there a word that captures the appeal nirsing has for you?). Then, end paragraph one.

Also, as a nurse, I will be able to assist others both inside and outside the hospital. ---- physicians can, too! Tell us about some of the philosophical ideas... nursing is all about adding energy and lifting spirits. It is distinct, because it serves a distinct purpose.

Then again, a healer is a healer, regardless of whether a physician or a nurse.

:-)

Research Papers / The impact of the human rights issue in Sino-American economic relationship [5]

You already have a good topic sentence:
America's absolute internationalization of human rights clashes with China's principle of non-interference. This creates political tensions, and occasionally, economic tensions. America put human...

Yet, i want to see a topic sentence that relates to the thesis. You do not have to change the topic sentence. You can also change the thesis so that it is consistent with the topic sentences and paragraphs.

In this case, though, let's change the topic sentence to reflect the main idea of the thesis.
America's absolute internationalization of human rights clashes with China's principle of non-interference, and it can be argued that America used rhetoric about human rights in order to justify pursuit of ulterior motives.

This topic sentence above supports your thesis. Now all you have to do is add a sentence to the end of the body paragraph to show how America's sanctions were actually examples of human rights rhetoric being used to advance strategic goals.

** If you decide that sanctions after Tienanmen Square is not a good example of human rights rhetoric being misused, then this example is not good for supporting your argument.

Always test topic sentences this way:
Look at the thesis sentence and ask yourself if the topic sentence for any given body paragraph would make sense if it came directly after the thesis sentence.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common Application-First Aid: making a difference by joining the medical industry. [10]


Ha ha, yep. Consider this: You only need to mention a single word to specify a field of interest: Bioelectromagnetism, for example.
And with a few words, you can express some specific goals. In fact, if you have them, you probably cannot help but express them.
"I visited the department and saw that the laboratory was equipped with tools that will enable me to continue Dr. Robert Becker's work pertaining to bioelectromagnetism."

That sentence above shows that I have done research, visited the department, and made a plan for something I'd like to accomplish during my time there.

So... as you said, it will be a killer essay if you can express some clear plans. The ability to express clear plans proves something about you. Actually, it proves two things! :-)

Speeches / Student Government Speech- to serve the American School of the Hague [5]

...make the best out of it. I realize homework is time consuming, and therefor e all the time we have should be used well. I know that t The dances were a major disappointment...

I realize that we girls...

I've seen so many things (find a better word) approached in different (innovative?) ways and I think...

Excellent, right here: Trust me, If you vote for me, I'll make your words heard... I'm a loud person.
That is what will get you elected.

Thank you, Together we can make junior year a rememberable whoa... don't make this mistake. It's "memorable."

Writing Feedback / The simplify of food preparation---toefl essay [3]

Take your time and write a few sentences in that first paragraph. Really explain what you mean to say, and end the paragraph with a thesis sentence.

The simplification of food preparation has a great impact on people's daily life. However, it still causes some problems. (Now give a few sentences to say exactly what your opinion is.)

Imagining people who lived past at a time when it was necessary to hunt elephants or run after antelopes for meat. They spent their ...

However, as making food is becoming easier. More and more foods are available...
or
More and more food is available.

Food is...
Foods are...

This one too:
Preparation brings...
Preparations bring...
In the end, easier food preparation indeed brings some advantages ...

:-)

Student Talk / I have an interview for a college. [11]

Hi Yacob!
Welcome to EsayForum. I had to move your post to a new thread. Please comment on other people's essays to tell them about the impressions the essays made on you.

Also, spend some time writing essays, and post them each in a NEW THREAD. We can find your errors and correct them.

Here is some advice:
When you write an essay, start by writing the topic sentence for paragraph 2. (Google 'topic sentence' to learn about it.) Then, write a sentence to explain what you mean. Then give an example. Then, give another sentence about it, and maybe tell about why it is important.

When you follow that process, you will have a whole paragraph written. Then, come up with another idea for the topic sentence of paragraph 3. Repeat the process of explaining and giving examples.

After you have written enough body paragraphs, go back and write an introduction paragraph that introduces the main idea of the whole essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement, Short Answer: Past 2 Summers [11]


Well, design is a noun, so it is okay. Its verb form is the same as its noun form, so that makes it different from manufacture and manufacturing. However, if you have seen the term used this way, I believe you! I don't know about this field at all!

About 'discovery of the'... yeah, I think discovery is a bad word! I think it is almost a cliche even though it is only one word. But I think you should find an alternative to 'attachment'... what do you mean by attachment?

And about this: The past two summers were as interesting and beneficial to my development as a person as they were varied in types of involvements. ---- yeah, consider the main idea of this sentence. It is not an important main idea. It is informative. But you can revise it to include another action verb and a few imagery words.

A powerful essay is one that boldly presents one idea without unnecessary details and qualifiers. As you revise, really focus on the most powerful ideas. Ha ha, I hope this verbose rant is helpful.

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]

Good stuff here. I skimmed through this correspondence, and I think it is going to help a lot of people over the years as they visit this thread. Congratulations, it's great that your exchange with Ershad has helped to refine the essay. Good luck!!

Graduate / "from a filmmaker-trainer to a filmmaker-entrepreneur", Career Goals Essay for CBS [3]

...campaign against sexual abuse.

My longer term goal would be to develop sustainable practices for my Community Video----I think this notion deserves to have a few more sentences written about it.

At CBS, I look forward to strengthening my knowledge of financial structures and revenue models for a social enterprise. Membership to the Social Enterprise Club as well as and participation in the Global Social Venture Association is are sure to give me crucial hands-o n experience.

Good idea for you:
I do not have a romantic story to explain it, but I have always been in love with the cinema. it is too common for the student to say "I have always loved (name of subject)."

THIS is the good opening sentence for the essay!!! Excellent:
I love the dust that the dreams of celluloid are made of.---what a strange and intriguing sentence...

:-)

Graduate / "being successful in technology" - Graduate SOP for CMU - First Paragraph [6]

My curiosity in the balance between science and business has inspired----this part is strange... Do you mean 'curiosity about the balance...'
I think curiosity is the wrong word. I think you mean, "My intellectual interests include both science and business, and...

This made me proud that my knowledge and creativity is are beneficial to others. (right after this sentence, add a thesis statement before ending the first paragraph. Use that opportunity, at the end of the first para, to tell the MAIN IDEA of the essay. Sum it up in a single sentence.

Working and obtaining more experiences, then I pursue my ultimate career goal of climbing to the top management position.----- maybe you have some more meaningful goals. It is not very meaningful just to want to be on top. Getting on top is a means to an end.

:-)

Dissertations / Ph.D. research topic in HRM [6]


Other researchers have conducted studies to show how environmentally responsible organizations are in various parts of the world. What will be the basis for comparison?

Google this to find something great: Environmental regulation in India

So, find a professional journal article about environment and corporate responsibility in India. Can you find one with a literature review? If you find an article about this topic, ande it has a literature review, search for the articles reviewed and see what literature THOSE articles cite. Soon, you will have found lots of good articles.

Only after reading lots of recent articles about the topic are you ready to chose YOUR topic. Ask yourself: what have other people done?What questions need to be answered now?

Scholarship / What do you feel is a balance between being successful financially & given back? [4]

...it reaches that point where eithier either a person 's mood is uneffected unaffected by the ever increasing financial success or, worst yet, it has is affected adversel y. adverse depressive effects. A person who is finacially financially secure is not necessarily financially successful. Mood is ...

effect is a noun, and affect is a verb.

Google difficult words to see if they are spelled correctly. It's true that there are many spelling errors. You can use a spell checker program or website, though.

My parents don't need all of that and an abundance of it would have adverse effects on them weather they understand that or notL not.

Just as a person feels the adverse effects of alcohol at different BAC levels so to does a person feel the adverse effects of to much money at different levels. --- good sentence!

Essays / Paragraph on how to do better in college (asking for help in college) [4]

Use fewer details:
It took me a whole semester and a few not-so-shy classmates in one of my classes that sat next to me to help overcome my shyness. --- this gives less info, but it is such a great sentence.

Hey, this is good, but if you are supposed to be explaining how to do something, that is different from a story like this... maybe you will continue this and add an explanation...

List some strategies for improving your studies. For example, you an use a routine that keeps you studying throughout the day.

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]


This is a great explanation, I think.

If I ask this question to 10 students, 8 of them do not have a very clear plan. It is okay if you are not sure what field you will enter, but you are sure of some things. And your favorite field of study is your favorite for a reason.

If I had to answer some essay prompts, this would be my favorite. It is great to envision your future and make a list of goals you want to accomplish during college in order to maximize your preparedness.

Undergraduate / Racism - Ut college essay: issue topic [4]

Many school districts are not diverse, and students are surrounded by classmates of their own race, which naturally makes them have a bias against other races or a tendency to associate with their own. (this seems like a questionable statement. does it always naturally lead groups to have bias when they do not experience much diversity? This is no big deal, though.) A great stride in shunning eliminating racism would be for the school districts to become more diverse so children could learn in a healthy, real life environment.--- you know, what... this is a good point. I think this is a great para, but like I said before, you should maybe explain that statement... with an example, maybe.

... all the various ingredients ethnicities thrown in. --- you don't have to spell it out for them.

An example of this such the fact that President Barack Obama was elected. as the first African American president . ------ No need to waste words; the reader knows the significance. Let the reader figure some things out for herself. :-)

...

...beliefs and personality of the candidate.
(start a new paragraph!)
As more immigrants have ...

:-) great discussion! Keep looking for ways to use fewer words so it can INTENSIFY.

Undergraduate / Supplement Essay for Amherst College App " Difficulty need not forshadow ..." [6]

Jelitza, I am struggling to catch up with all the new essays posted, and it took me a long time to get to yours. I saw some of the great help you have been giving people, though, so I jumped ahead to see if I can return the favor.


Okay, let's see how you did...


I don't think negative perceptions divide difficulty. They multiply it!!

So... what insight do you get from the quote. I like it, because he is offering us an alternative way of thinking about a certain situation.

In your first para, I think you should say something about the notion that difficulty need not foreshadow despair and defeat, and that success can be more satisfying when obstacles have been surmounted. I think you should add a sentence to the end of the paragraph to give a thesis statement that uses words from the prompt. Right after you give your equation, you can add the thesis statement. If you use the word variables in the thesis statement, you will still get a great transition into paragraph 2. :-)

My teacher was indeed difficult and quirky.

I found that my new equation equaled success!------ need examples to show ways you applied this and explain the old way of thinking, and how it would turn out, and the new way of thinking, and how it turns out. Know what I mean? The equation is just a concept until you show how you used it.

Although I failed many unit tests, I passed my exam. The satisfaction was incomparable. --- you might think this is an example, but it's not. You need an example of a thought process that demonstrates the equation. :-)

Although I failed many unit tests, I passed my exam. The satisfaction was incomparable. --and about this sentence... It seems like you accept mediocrity from yourself. You can fix it by mentioning if only you and a few other students were able to pass.

Most importantly, INTERPRET THE QUESTION in your conclusion or intro. I think conclusion is better here. In fact, if you do not want to add a thesis statement like I suggested, you can instead use the conclusion to really analyze the quote. You obviously know what it is about because your story involves assuming a new attitude toward obstacles. So, in the conclusion, discuss exactly what the quote means.

:-)

Undergraduate / Air Force Academy Interest Admissions Essay [2]

Here, you can make remove words and make it a little better, because you already said "of my mind"
Recently however, it has taken an increased presence in the foreground of my mind .

I anticipate that the Academy will be the most difficult represent the four most difficult years of my life, but also the best. four .

This can be improved if you add some more detail about what you want to do as a pilot, perhaps your other, related interests, some facts you know about the academy, and some relevant skills you already have. Good luck!!!

Student Talk / What are the jobs prospects for BA(Economics and social studies) (Hons)? [8]

Good! I bet you will do well. I know I would not, because econ. confuses me!