Writing Feedback / IELTS1: The given line graph displays the number of alumni in Canada within fiveteen years 1992-2007 [3]

In the trending statement, you should mention the year when the women had the highest number of graduates. The images cannot share an identical growth pattern if the women graduated at a higher rate than men at the end. When you say there is an identical growth pattern, that means the increases in the male graduates are commensurate to the female graduates. It would be better not to use 2 different trending references in these essays. Just use one as there is a possibility for confusion to be created in the presentation, such as what happened in your current writing.

You should try to write at least 175 words for this presentation. That is so that you can get a better scoring consideration for each section. Another sentence or two in the final paragraph should helped fix that problem. Rather than using the run-on presentation in the last sentence, you should have used 2 sentence presentations instead to help with the clarity of the information presentation and GRA considerations.

Writing Feedback / Instead of finding measures to solve climate change problem we should find some ways to live with it [2]

Why do you totally disagree? What are the reasoning topics you will be discussing? Present the outline of topics to increase the clarity of your opinion. You can say "I totally disagree with this idea based on 2 reasons. First.... Second..." That will be enough to help create a stronger prompt restatement + Response outline for your next paragraphs.

As an extent / degree essay, you must use justifications for your opinion in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. Convince the reader that your opinion is the correct one by disproving 2 publicly known norms or information that you feel can be counter argued. This essay is strongest when done using counter arguments. That means, present what people believe to be correct about the topic, then present information that disproves the said opinion. Hence the "degree" or "extent" of your disagreement. You could say something like "While it is accepted that.... is beneficial to the environment, I oppose this idea because the end result of that practice is..." Just to give you an idea of how to create a counter argument. Yes, this is one essay where the written debate format can be used.

Scholarship / Defending the global internet - GOVERNMENT OF IRELAND INTERNATIONAL EDUCATION SCHOLARSHIP [2]

Review the prompt requirement again. You have failed to properly respond to the question because you wrote a personal statement without regard for the writing requirements. There is only a personal benefit for you, a professional benefit in terms of changing your career path, but no benefit to Ireland in accepting you as a scholar and as a student. Bear in mind that your undergraduate course is not related to cybersecurity and your profession does not portray you are working in that field either. Therefore, there is little convincing information in your presentation that can make you a viable candidate for the scholarship.

Scholarship / Serving community - Why would you be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program? [2]

The first 3 paragraphs do not speak of your ability to be a community leader and enforce changes in your community through civic projects and volunteer organization activities. The essay will be more targeted once you revise the current 4th paragraph to become your opening statement instead. With regards to the cultural dance reference, it is unclear how your leadership skills played a part in this exercise, you need to be more specific about how you led this activity and why it is an important part of cultural exchanges in your country based on UNESCO standards.

The competition does not portray you as the leader of the group. This would be acceptable if you and your group members were able to figure out how to actually have the mini markets and small grocery stores use your application. What you learned, still needs to be geared more towards the enhancement of your current leadership skill.s The last 2 paragraphs deviate from the discussion topic. Remove those references. Create a closing statement that is better suited towards your portrayal as a leader and active community participant instead since that is what the prompt is requiring you to develop a discussion about.

Scholarship / AAS - What are your plans when you finish your studies (Master Program : Tourism) [2]

The last thing that I can do for you here is make the decision for you regarding which statement to submit. The strength of your statement comes from your confidence in your own writing. You need to trust your gut feeling when it comes to how you will represent yourself in line with the statement requirements. Both are strong, both have benefits, both have drawbacks. The decision as to which you believe will best suit your purpose within the application comes from within you. Do not expect other people to make that decision for you. Nobody will want to accept the blame if you fail to make it into the program. Any failure cannot be attributed to anyone but yourself. When you ask someone to make the choice for you, you are laying the foundation to find a scapegoat, someone to blame, for any shortcomings your application may have. That, is not something I am willing to take on for you. That is not something anybody here, as forum participants, should be relied on to do either. They have their own problems with writing their own responses to even bother to help you pick a response for your own application.

Scholarship / Fighter family - KGSP Scholarship - Personal Statemente International Relations [3]

There is a key component missing in this discussion. While you can be considered to have an immensely strong academic background and have relevant non-professional work experience, there is a lack of reference to your actual IR related job at the present. While these information show that you have the background for IR, there is a disconnection with how your current work experience or position has influenced your decision to pursue an IR masters course. The reference to your 8 year old self is irrelevant because that section should have been occupied by the reference to your relevant work experience that would have made you an ideal professional candidate for the course. Where is the professional motivation? I see the personal motivation represented by your desire to see Mexico improve, but you do not want to live in Mexico to do it, which will probably be a negative since your IR motivation is selfish and not in reference to helping your country by fighting for its IR from within. You are actually using this scholarship to escape Mexico, regardless of how you frame the escape and the reviewer will understand that quite clearly since you even specifically mention it in one of the paragraphs.

This essay does not show you on a professional career path towards international relations. There is no relevant professional work experience that would indicate that you would actually be helping Mexico to improve once you complete the course. Mostly because there is no professional / work foundation for your International Relations job at the moment. This sounds more like you are really just trying to get out of Mexico, without actually having the proper professional references to qualify you to do so.

Scholarship / My commitment to my community - Global Ugrad [2]

The problem with your presentation is that you are representing yourself as a community leader, without having any access to other organizations, memberships, or coordinated activities that would show you have an actual network of community and civic minded organizations backing your moves. It will be beneficial to your application if you can mention the names of the groups that you participate in, or that help you through coordinated efforts. Showing how your mission and vision gels with these other organizations for the benefit of your community.

The presentation is too vague in discussion. It informs the reviewer, but withholds information that could help him validate your response. Yes, there is a high possibility that your participation in these activities will need to be double checked by the reviewer, just to be sure that you are not just making up the information. Afterall, the Global UGrad program is one of the best in the world, so they will only accept the best and the brightest. To be sure of that, they will look into the information that applicants submit. So if you are not on the level, they will find out and disqualify your application.

Graduate / MBA and technology - [KGSP-G] MASTERS IN BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION-STATEMENT OF PURPOSE [3]

Kindly look at the application packet again. The essay prompts are divided into clear sections, each prompt is a separate presentation discussion. It is not a combined presentation as you have done here. The division is:

1. Language Study Plan

2. Goal of Study
- Title of Research
- Study Plan

3. Future Plans after study

Each is a separate presentation. So for this case, I will just focus on your language study plan. You will need to properly divide the presentations, based on the separated discussion charts in the application forms.

For the language study plan, you need to show that you are learning the language by immersing yourself as best you can in the culture of Korea. For the before part, you can indicate that aside from what you have been doing to learn the language, you have been practicing both written and spoken Hangul by joining Korean chatrooms and forums where the primary language used of Hangul. Upon your arrival in Korea, you can discuss joining clubs, organizations,and other social activities that can help you perfect your Hangul as well. The English section needs to be as equally developed as your language study plans for Hangul. you do not really explain how you are planning to develop your English skills while in Korea, again, socialization references are important in that aspect.

After you have properly divided your essay into the appropriate sections, please post each individual response to the prompt in a new thread at this forum so that I can review these for you properly. I cannot review the rest of the essay at this point as the mixed up responses will not be helpful to your application.

Then

Writing Feedback / Oil consumption of four different major consumers - Ielts task 1 - line graph [2]

The task allows only 20 minutes for total writing, that includes editing and proof reading. So the standard writing practice for the Task 1 essay has always been to write between 150 - 190 words, 200 max. Any word count more than that means you will have a tendency to cut into the task 2 writing time. With 236 words for this essay, you actually wrote more of a task 2 essay than an analytical report as required.

The summary overview is incomplete at it does not enumerate the immediately shared information from the line graph which includes the countries that represent the consumer report. There is no clear trending statement in this presentation. The trending statement is a single sentence that highlights the final graph assessment relating to a particular sector. Either that is on the up trend or the down trend. Your presentation lacks the singular clarity and focus that represents the trending sentence. This is normally represented by the phrase; "Overall" or "The most significant trend is..."

Writing Feedback / Essay about banning mobile phone during schoolday [3]

You have not changed the original prompt presentation to the point of presenting your understanding of the original idea. You have used too many of the original reference points without changing the words. The restatement section will be seen as being more of a cut and paste job on your part rather than a presentation of the original, based upon how you understood it. That means the TA score will not be good for this section, most specially since there is no clear opinion outline in the thesis sentence part at the end. The examiner already knows you will elaborate on your response, what he wants to know is, the reason for your response that you will be expanding on in the 3 paragraphs to follow.

You have to use third person pronouns in the first 2 reasoning paragraphs . That is because you are presenting the opinion of other people and explaining their belief. While others will tell you that you should avoid using pronouns and make general statements instead, please remember that your GRA score is based upon your understanding of how to properly use English grammar rules, that includes pronoun usage. Without the pronoun usage in the third person, the essay becomes solely a personal general statement, which is not the purpose of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Is it true that the vegetarian diet is more beneficial for health than eating meat? [2]

The subject proposed for this prompt is not being presented in an argumentative form. It is presented as an opinion for your consideration, hence the agree or disagree question. As such, it should not be framed in an exaggerated manner such as a "contentious argument" as that is not the given discussion format. Such exaggerations do have an effect on your TA score, regardless of how minimal the deductions will be for it. Deductions still count in the end score. Now, since this not an extent essay, you cannot represent a partial agreement for this response either.

The format you have used for the overall response presentation is therefore incorrect and will force this essay to get a TA score based on a partially correct response due an incorrect format response. That is not going to help your overall score because you will not get a passing TA score at the very start, affecting the overall possibility of this essay gaining a passing mark.

You have opposing opinions presented in the overall discussion. Note that in the thesis statement, you indicated a partial agreement with the statement. Then, in the reasoning paragraph, you stated that you agree, without the word "partially", indicating a full agreement with the original statement. This creates an unclear opinion on your part, confusing the examiner in the process. The first two reasons that support the agreement is correct. This is not a comparison essay, nor is it an extent essay. So the singular point of view discussion should be used. The pregnant women part of the discussion will not be considered and will be deducted from your word count instead.

Your 277 word count will be reduced and the total word count will actually be 239 words. That means, a percentage of TA points will be be deducted due to the missing 11 words. There will be double lowering of points for you in the TA section, which could indicate that you will not get a passing score overall for this presentation.

Writing Feedback / MULTIPLE ASPECTS OF SPACE EXPLORATION AND THE PREDICTION OF ITS CHANGE IN THE FUTURE [3]

You have a maximum of 40 minutes to write this paper. The proper word allotment is within 250-300 words due to the editing, proofreading, and finalization of the presentation. You cannot complete more than 400 words for your writing based on these guidelines. Next time, try to write within the suggested word count instead. While there is no penalty for writing more words, you should be focused on the quality, clarity, and overall presentation of the paper, rather than just the word count. Long essays more often than not, end up with more errors, less clarity, and a failure to actually comply with the prompt requirements. Hence the suggested word count. It is important to be able to double check yourself when writing these Task 2 essays in an effort to increase your score per rubic consideration and overall.

There is an immediate an noticeable error in this presentation that will automatically affect your TA score. You failed to respond properly to the direct questions being asked. There is no appropriate thesis statement presented at the end of the presentation. You neither give a proper measured response, nor provide the proper topic outline based on the reason for your position and what specific change will happen in the future. The lack of clear thesis statement will affect the clarity of your response based on the TA considerations.

Do not alter the discussion topic. Use relevant examples for your discussion. World War 2 changes the profile of that that discussion, making it about the war rather than the space race. That War had nothing to 2 with the race for space exploration. That is all about the race to the moon, which was not really well discovered at the time. The phrase "space exploration" is a more modern reference as China, America, Russia, India, and other countries are racing to be the first to Mars, where actual space exploration has already begun in earnest, causing international pride for America, who is backing Elon Musk and his relatively successful SpaceX programs. NASA is heavily reliant on the SpaceX programs for its trip to Mars and current remote exploration of that planet so your reference points, are a bit off, but acceptable since the main requirement is to use your understanding of the publicly available information.

Scholarship / Global Korea Scholarship Personal Statement for Graduate Study in Electrical Engineering. [3]

The motivation aspect is only one of the considerable factors for your application. Unless I can read the complete essay for the personal statement, based upon the full prompt requirements, I cannot truly assess the validity of your motivation. In fact, you have wasted half a page on your motivation discussion alone, when there are several other discussion topics to be presented thoroughly to the reviewer. If you focus only on the motivation, you will run out of space for the other discussion points. The personal statement is not one essay topic per question, that is written as a cohesive and coherent summary of your responses to all the questions. This motivation response will not be considered with your application because you do not respond to the complete and overall discussion requirement for the presentation.

Scholarship / SCHOLARSHIP GKS - PERSONAL STATEMENT GRADUATE DEGREE 2021 - Public Administration. [6]

For the family background aspect, you are too focused on yourself in that presentation. While the family dynamic that helped you develop your personality is a part of the presentation, the reviewer needs to learn something else about your parents, aside from the fact they supported you in various ways. Are they financially well to do? What are their jobs? Are you following in their footsteps? Which parent was the most influential in your development personally, academically, and career aspirations considered? Why was that so? These are information points that show a deeper family background and a more cohesive family unit to the reviewer. These are the facts that he is going to be highly interested in.

Since you are already a college graduate, there is no need to present the high school background. Remember that you are already applying for the G program so you should be discussing, based on relevance, how your college education applies itself to your program of interest. Try to discuss being middle class in the family section of the presentation, be cohesive in your discussion, don't present the essay in a manner that keeps jumping from topic to topic, the reviewer will not be able to get a clear picture of your prompt responses if you have no writing direction.

Do not refer to your reason for deciding to study in Korea in this essay. There is no prompt requirement for you to do so. That is not what is being assessed as a part of the application this year. The focus is more on your family, academic, and character background this time. Remove all unnecessary references as per prompt requirements. That part is self explanatory and easy to spot on your end.

Do not discuss the scholarship program and your desire to be a candidate due to the limited fund of your parents. That is one great way to NOT be considered for the program. There should be a focus only on the REQUIRED discussion points. The rest of your essay actually deviates from the requirements so you will really need to write a new essay instead of trying to revise this one.

Writing Feedback / Tell about the most interesting film you have seen recently [2]

The problem is your lack of familiarity with the English language. Specifically, how to write a movie review. You should try to read some of the professional reviews online to get a better idea of how such essays are written. Everything is summarized and focused on only certain aspects of the film. If you can avoid trying to exaggerate your comments, you will be able to avoid repeated statements such as:


Being over descriptive in this section is what hurt the presentation. It is enough to simply say "I sat through from beginning to end."I know you are trying to involve the reader in your experience, but that is not required when writing a basic movie review.

When reviewing the character development, you must refer to the character by name, then the actor's name. You only mentioned one of the 2 actor's names in this presentation, Jennifer Lawrence being the other cast member in the film, and did not mention their characters names at all. There is a lack of proper acting analysis in the presentation that would have helped you review the actors approach to the role. The camera man, director, and scriptwriter's work all lack highlight moments that should have been the focal point of your review for each of these people's participation in the movie. The plot summary could have been better presented within the 170 word count as well.

You may contact me privately if you wish to receive an example of how to write this essay perfectly within 170 words.

Scholarship / Digital pandemic - Writing an outstanding Essay for AAS [6]

The reason for your proposed course is personal, but without an academic relevance. Since you are applying for a masters course scholarship, the focus of your proposed course would be helped by a personal, academic, and professional point of view. Summarize your personal reason, that is not as important as the other 2. The academic and professional reasons go hand in hand, creating the basis for your chosen courses and institution as well.

You have to focus the discussion on every course that you have chosen at every university. This essay does not tell me anything about what courses you have chosen, how your academic and professional reasons give itself to these choices, and why you decided that the university choices were the best for you as well. This is, in effect, an essay that does not say anything that can help the reviewer assess the credibility of your application and the seriousness and future goal application of your course and university choices.

Using this type of essay presentation for the first round of assessment will not be helpful to you. Due to the non-informative nature of this writing, it can actually disqualify your application right from the start of the review process. Try to be more specific about your writing. Respond accurately to the questions. You can find various examples regarding how to approach this writing at this forum, use those as your examples for your revisions.

Scholarship / Motivation, small & medium - sized enterprises - GKS Personal Statement Business Administration [4]

Kindly review the prompt requirements for the GKS-G applicants as provided in your application packet. There are specific instructions for writing the personal statement that you should represent in your response. This first paragraph does not truly aply itself to any of the new personal statement requirements. It would be best for you to delete this paragraph and develop a new response. Consider the writing requirements and address those in your statement. I cannot give you any advice on how to improve your personal statement at the moment because you have not written a complete draft response at this point. I can only help you once I have read your overall response. This piece of writing does not tell me anything I need to know in relation to the required prompt writing instructions. You can post a new thread, do not add to this thread, once you have completed an appropriate draft of your response personal statement. I can give you proper advice then.

Writing Feedback / IETLS Writing Task 2 | Effects of negative reporting on individuals and society [3]

The thesis statement is just missing the topic outline for the discussion to be considered a completely informative summary of the upcoming discussion. That is a small oversight on your part that, although it does have an effect on the clarity of your opinion, will not result in a marked scoring down for yourself. You were able to explain your point of view clearly in both reasoning paragraphs. However, a more effective presentation for paragraph 2 would have been to discuss what the effects of the negative news in the previous paragraph was. If you had stuck to the Coronavirus discussion in the next paragraph, you would have created a highly cohesive and coherent series of reasoning paragraphs. Clearly showing that you have the ability to extensively discuss the same topic, based on different topic considerations. The result would have been a higher TA and C&C score individually, and a higher overall score at the end.

The concluding paragraph contains additional new information about how you believe the media should play a proactive role. Since this is not included as a discussion point in the original prompt, this additional opinion should not have been presented as it created 2 errors in your concluding presentation:

- An unrequired opinion that was not properly explained and developed
- An open ended essay that does not properly summarize the previous paragraph presentations.

Therefore, the concluding paragraph has a tendency to pull down your final score.

Writing Feedback / Many claim that the important factor in sport is physical strength; however, the opponents disagree [2]

The essay instructions requires a 4 paragraph comparison discussion with your personal opinion presented. Your approach to the writing did not consider the public reasons for the 2 points of view. These are presented only in a general discussion format, which does not differentiate between the public and your personal opinion. So the format for the response is incorrect. It is important to be clear about how you are creating your opinion, based on the public discussion. So you can try using the following, clearer format next time:

Reason 1:
Sentence 1: The public believes that...
Sentence 2: They base this belief on the publicly known explanation that....
Sentence 3: However, I oppose this point of view.
Sentence 4: I believe otherwise because....
Sentence 5: Hence my non-support for this opinion

Reason 2:
Sentence 1: The other opinion is that...
Sentence 2: This is based on the reason that...
Sentence 3: I support this point of view.
Sentence 4: My support comes from...
Sentence 5: This is why I believe this opinion is correct.

The approach above is only an example of how you can more clearly represent both discussion points in every reasoning paragraph. You can create variations of the response depending upon how you would want to frame your response. Mine is only a suggested writing approach.

Writing Feedback / Writing 1: The line shows the percentage of tourists to Scotland who visited Edinburgh attractions [2]

You have several spelling errors in the presentation that show a lack of proof reading for this paper. You failed to properly examine your draft for possible errors that, if corrected would have improved your GRA and LR scores individually for a higher overall score. Information accuracy is important in the Task 1 presentation. That does not refer only to the numbers presented, but the other information provided as well, including the location source for the information.

The comparison presentation is acceptable as it presents the immediate information that the eyes could see. However, there were overlapping years for the information that were not part of your presentation. An overlap is where the lines intersect, indicating an equal count for that period for the information provided. Such analysis presentation would have shown a true comparison presentation that would have helped your individual TA score and could have boosted the final overall score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS"Everyone should become vegetarian because they do not need to eat meat to have a healthy diet" [3]

You are being provided with a difference of opinion. It is not good to refer to this as an argument as there is no scenario that indicates a debate as ongoing. Rather, there are only people presenting differing beliefs and ideas. This presentation most certainly does not qualify as a debate but rather a "discussion" or "opposing beliefs." This is not an extent essay either so a simple agreement or disagreement with the given presentation would have been enough. Always follow the instructions as provided, do not exaggerate your statements or your responses as these will tend to alter the presentation from the original prompt and create prompt deviations on your part, which could lead to a failing TA score.

The second paragraph is a prompt deviation. There is no representation in your restatement that the effects of a non-vegetarian should be discussed in some way. Therefore, this presentation will not be considered by the examiner in scoring your presentation. As such, the second reasoning paragraph word count will be deducted from your overall presentation count. That means, the essay will automatically be less than 250 words, thus ensuring that the essay will not be able to achieve a passing score due to several other problems that exist in the presentation, along with the irrelevant discussion deduction.

Undergraduate / Canadian entrepreneurs - Waterloo AIF, first question of Part A [3]

Your first half is too much of a dreamer statement. There is no realistic educational goal presented in that section. Bring that part down to reality by stating an actual academic goal or goals. Do not say the university program meets your desired educational goals when you have not presented any solid, realistic, and achievable reasons for your education. Making your wildest ideas into a reality is not an academic goal, that is a flight of fancy. The reviewer will find this uninformative and not really indicative of you being prepared for college. Rather, you will come across as a dreamer without a true direction in life.

Writing Feedback / Ielts1 - The quantity of pineapple exports in three different countries and the cost of pineapple [2]

Avoid using long sentences in your presentations that require 2 different sets of information. In the first paragraph, you are to summarize the content of 2 identified images. Separate the information so that it will be easier for your reader to remember that there are 2 sets of information to be presented, based on 2 different information sources. Do not start the trending statement with "Overview", rather, you may indicate references such as overall, significant trend, measured regular increases / decreases, to name a few. There should be 2 clear trending sentences in this presentation. One for each image, or a combined presentation if the result is significant as a singular measurement.

While you wrote more than the required number of words, you will not be scored higher due to the significant problems with your grammar range and accuracy. You have shown two instances of run-on sentence writing, a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your data presentation, and a failure to properly compare the relationship between the two images.

Scholarship / GKS SCHOLARSHIP LANGUAGE STUDY PLAN BEFORE AND AFTER [3]

The focus of the language learning study plan is on Hangul and English. So the reference to the native dialects of India are irrelevant in this case. Yes, it shows your ability to learn languages from an early age, but, it is irrelevant to the prompt that asks you to focus a presentation on how you will better develop your Hangul and English skills. Even though English is one of the major languages spoken in India, it is important that you continue to hone your skills in the language while in Korea. Do not assume that your English proficiency will be more than sufficient for the course you will be studying. There is a reason why you are being asked to explain how you are furthering your English and Hangul studies before you come to Korea, this will show a dedication to learning on your part and, an ability to be socially interactive with all the students, whether they speak Hangul or not. So do not focus on just Hangul learning in the presentation. Balance it out. There is no need to mention the IELTS test in this presentation. It is the TOPIK test that will matter the most. Think about how you will develop your learning for both languages. Winning the international essay writing competition is irrelevant to the discussion. Do not make it appear that your English learning and usage is perfect, when you already admitted to having problems. You are changing the topic. You need to focus on language learning. The reviewer does not care for your awards, that is not a requirement in this discussion.

Writing Feedback / Students choosing subjects - writing introduction for some essay [2]

One topic per thread

There are direct questions being asked in the topic. What is the reason? What is the effect? These are your discussion outline requirements. You have to present these as single sentence explanations in the restatement that you wrote. After restating the topic, you can state the reasons and effects. Make sure to choose 2 related reasons and 2 related effects so that the discussion paragraphs will be easily written on your part and clear to the reader. It is important to accomplish all of the task requirements in the opening paragraph because the TA score will depend heavily on how well you represent your English comprehension skills in that section.

Scholarship / AAS - Accountant/Auditor - plans when you finish your studies?[500 characters] [4]

Your response is too busy. You are going to accomplish 2 goals simultaneously? Or will this be over a period of time? Focus on the easiest and most immediate accomplishment you can attain upon your return. Either share the information you learned by becoming a full time (not part time) teacher or, become a regular accountant at a firm. As far as I am concerned the information and knowledge transfer as a teacher will be more impressive than just becoming a regular accountant upon your return. There needs to be a bigger mission or sense of importance for your desire to study in Australia. You don't get that from the response that you will return to your country and become a Senior Accountant or Auditor.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: world pineapple exports and a breakdown of the cost to the consumer of each pineapple in 2019 [2]

Incorrect vocabulary was used in the summary overview. The word "Otherwise" cannot be used in this presentation because you are not presenting an opposing data report. Rather, you are presenting a supporting breakdown of the information. Based on definition, the word "otherwise" signifies:

Otherwise - In other respects

Since you are not referring to an alternative representation but rather, an additional presentation, the proper word for use in reference to that would have been "additionally" since you are referring to extra information from another source:

Additionally - more or supplementary

The information from the pie chart was supplementary information presentation not alternative information presentation.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the effect of technology using from home [3]

When writing these essays, you should first outline the discussion topics and discussion consideration. That will help you better understand the type of response to use for this essay. In this case:

Discussion Topics:
1. many adults are working from home
2. more children are beginning to study from

Reason: technology has become cheaper and more accessible.

Guide Question: Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

After having outlined the important aspects in a manner similar to what I used, you can see that there are 2 opinion paragraphs to be presented. However, these are presented first in the restatement as the last 3 sentences representing:

- Personal opinion regarding the given topic based on the reason provided (thesis statement)
- One subject reason for each discussion topic ( adults working from home (1 topic), students studying from home (1 topic).

Then the reasoning paragraphs will have 2 reasoning presentations based on each representative topic (adult WFH and children SFH). These discussion paragraphs should have a singular focus of defending your positive opinion. This is not a comparative discussion. Your current presentation uses "networking" as a reference, which is incorrect since the technology in use is "video conferencing". Social media channels are not used for wfh and sfh, only call video and call conferencing systems.

Your explanations are not properly represented. You only focused on explaining the part that pertains to you, which you understand, SFH. Your WFH explanation is really insufficient. Your essay will be judged to be under developed even though you wrote a high number of words. The explanations and opinions are not fully applicable to the requirements as I outlined above.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: the science and preparation of food should be taught in school time [4]

The prompt restatement does not have an accurate thesis presentation at the end. For this task, you should present one clear point of view for each public opinion, then your own point of view. This way, you present your reasoning topic paragraphs early on, showing that you have carefully considered the discussion elements and how each discussion has affected your personal opinion.

The essay requires you to use your own opinion or publicly known information. You could use the Harvard research reference, without mentioning Harvard at all, since that does not show a personal basis for the information or publicly known data. That is researched information, which makes the writing go against the written information sources. Use third person pronouns to indicate the public points of view and the first person pronouns for your own opinion. As of now, the presentation feels like it is generally based on a public opinion, without a reference to your personal opinion. Or, an examiner could take it the other way around and consider this solely based on a personal opinion, rather than a personal opinion based on publicly known discussion points. Either way, the presentation will be considered only partially correct in response presentation. The missing personal point of view is really glaring in this presentation.

Undergraduate / Math, coop system - AIF-Reasons for Choosing The Programs [2]

You have to allot 300 characters per program. Revise the essay to clearly present your educational goal and Waterloo choice based on the word allotment that i provided. That way, even though you have an interest in unrelated programs, you will be able to provide a proper educational goal and Waterloo reason for each program. That means, you will write 150 characters at the most for each program education goal and Waterloo reference. Doing that will at the very least, allow you present a summarized thought process that could provide an insight into the required responses. It is better to divide the responses and have a clear reference for each required discussion point, than to have a summarized presentation that is going to be confusing for the reviewer to consider or understand. You don't have to connect the dots in this instance, you can present these programs individually since that is necessary to create a proper response on your end. Try writing these using a 2 sentence method. A straight reason for choosing the program and a clear reason why you chose Waterloo based on your program goals.

Scholarship / GOVERNMENT OF IRELAND INTERNATIONAL EDUCATION SCHOLARSHIP [4]

The essay does not show that you have had a long term interest in Ireland in relation to the culture, education, or social landscape of the country. You spoke solely about Nigeria in more than half the essay, which is not what was required by the prompt. The important part of this essay is to show that you have a familiarity with Ireland, its culture, way of life, or academic importance in the educational landscape. Your participation with them long term needs to be based on these interests as you discussed. These will show that you actually have a long term interest in Ireland. As far as your promoting the program, you did not accomplish that properly either in the last part of your response. Think of how you can promote the scholarship based on networks, social media, and highlighting your life as a scholar while in Ireland. Those should help you present more effective long term promotional considerations for yourself and the scholarship.

Undergraduate / Reasons to choose Waterloo and mechanical engineering- Help with AIF [2]

Summarize your educational goals. It is too long. You should be able to better explain that within 2 sentences at the most, focusing more on the reasons why you chose Waterloo instead. Your familiarity with the programs shows you have given ample thought to the reasons why you chose Waterloo. The second sentence actually feels like it could be removed without affecting the overall presentation. Maybe because it does not relate directly to the program specifications. I believe that sentences can be deleted. Try to create a more summarized educational goal for the first part of the presentation. That should work well towards creating a more concise response.

Letters / [Motivation letter] RWTH Aachen Summer School Scholarship-Supply Chain Program [3]

I am unable to review this motivational letter based on the specific requirements that you were obviously provided with. Kindly remember that in order to give you an accurate review, I need a copy of the instructions that you were provided with to write the paper. If I do not know what I am to look for, I am going to use a general motivational review standard, and tell you that this motivational letter is incorrect, based on the standard expectations. That is exactly what I am saying. As far as I am concerned, this is not the standard motivational letter. Your motivations are not really very clear and you seem to be focusing too much on your skills and experience instead, that do not really have a direct on the motivational discussion. Again, I am saying this without knowing what the writing parameters are.

If you want this essay reviewed based on the proper requirements, it would benefit you to either contact me privately or, make this post URGENT after posting the actual discussion requirements so that I can review the paper again. As of now, it is impossible for me to say how truly effective this piece of writing is. All because of the lack of writing instructions.

Scholarship / Applying the knowledge and experience essay. Sustainable Transportation SISGP [4]

In the future? You are being asked to respond to the question based on your professional goals for taking this course. How will completing this course help with your improved career path upon your return? Is there a promotion in store for you? Are you completing the course because you plan on applying for a promotion? This is not just about the future SDG goals, it is about the immediate application of what you learned. By referring to the SDG goal number ( which would be more informative if you specifically mention the goal instead. Don't make the reviewer guess or research what that is.) you are speaking of something far down the road in application. Think of the more short term goals of the program that your training will be able to immediately answer for. Then explain why it will be beneficial to achieving the program in the long term.

Writing Feedback / The foundation for sportsmen's success. PHYSICAL STRENGTH AND MENTAL STRENGTH IN SPORT [3]

Analyze the instructions before you write your essay. Look at what the topic is actually representing. There are 2 public beliefs about the topic. One in support and one against. Each one has a valid reason that the public supports because they believe it to be true. That is why the discussion instruction asks you to consider the two public points of view by discussing each opinion from the topic presentation in individual paragraphs. Consider both discussions, based on the supporting public sentiment, then offer your personal opinion. You are not being asked to compare and contrast the two opinions based on your personal point of view. So, what is missing in this opinion essay of yours? The proper comparison of the public opinions, prior to your personal opinion. You cannot simply say that you agree. The personal opinion needs to be based on a proper consideration of the public opinions based on your agreement and disagreement with these presented considerations. The personal opinion, based on this particular presentation, would have been better supported as a stand alone paragraph after the public opinion that you agree with.

The conclusion is also problematic as the presentation does not offer a proper summary of the discussion, which should comprise at least 40 words. All you did was present your personal opinion once again, which is an incomplete concluding recap presentation.

Scholarship / Evaluate the applicant's leadership capacity and potential to play a role in development [3]

The presentation is too abrupt and the use of your local currency reference makes it confusing to the reader. Either use a Euro or a Dollar reference for the benefit of the reviewer. You are only providing information to the reviewer, without providing concrete examples within the presentation paragraphs. These are only draft portions. These cannot be used as the actual reference response. It does not make much sense to the reviewer, who requires a clear English presentation of these reference points. Consider lengthening the presentation based on the suggested reference points in the prompt. This needs to have more information and more data to help you present it as an effective reference point for the applicant.

Scholarship / From mathematics to engineering- Personal statement should describe who you are and past experiences [2]

You mentioned engineering at the end. So change that reference point. Try not to keep mentioning Engineering because it makes you appear too focused on that subject. This time, focus on Math, since that is how you ended up in Engineering. That point is rather obvious in the essay. The last paragraph actually feels redundant. You can totally close with the prior paragraph, totally eliminating the engineering reference, but closing in a notable personal representation. You don't always have to fall back on Engineering. The less you make that part relevant in this essay, the better. However, I feel that you need to show a personal character development in this statement as well. If you want, you can explain how Math helped build your character, patience, sense of analysis, among other things. You can do that because you have a reference to international Olympiad participation. It would be the next logical discussion point at some point in this essay since, it is, a personal statement for the most part.

Graduate / SOP- SCAD - What first drawn me to a career as a visual artist were animations I watched as a child [2]

There is no real purpose for your studies. You have written a motivational letter rather than a statement of purpose. This is my assessment based on the general requirements of an SOP. Since you did not indicate the writing instructions for this SOP, I had to use the general reference. Is it applicable to this essay? I sincerely hope so because, even as a motivational letter, the essay is really weak and one dimensional. What is the actual purpose for your studies? Consider the professional requirements of your current job and you will develop your academic and professional purpose for your studies. Think of your previous training and studies, how did these fall short of your needs and why? These are some discussion points for consideration that should help you create a more targeted draft SOP. That is, unless you wrote this based on a specific writing instruction. In which case, you just wasted your single free essay advice opportunity by not letting me know about it in the post.

Scholarship / Aerospace engineering - Study Objectives essay for FULBRIGHT SCHOLARSHIP [2]

I feel that the binational impact needs to be stronger in terms to referring to America's possible use for your learning. Consider how the space and defense programs of both countries will benefit from your studies and how you can promote it. You have the background for it. You may refer to both NASA and Space Force for these aspects as those will both require the use of Nanotechnology. You may even refer to Elon Musk and SpaceX for more impact since he is looking for scientists and mechatronic engineers for his Mars program. All of these can help make your binational references stronger, impactful, notable, and important to the reviewer.

Scholarship / Global issues need global responses - Why did you choose your proposed course and institution*? [2]

Use that quote, and refer to the original speaker, as a stand alone presentation at the start. That will be the hook of your presentation that will introduce the reviewer to your response. Start your personal response in the next paragraph so as not to remove the impact of your chosen quotation. Do not use the word "Furthermore" to start your second university choice paragraph. That word refers to "In addition", which refers to a related topic. Since you are changing university references, you cannot say Furthermore", use that term to refer to additional reasons for your choice instead. Correct these presentation situations and you should have an essay ready to submit once completed.