Undergraduate / 'Red track and white lines simplify my world. I love running'. Admission Essay [4]


awesome : )


.... well... these two ideas do not seem to be complementing one another. My suggestion;
I am certainly no Usain Bolt; not even near. But may be he and I share the same passion for running
Why I suggested this is, when you suddenly talk about practice the reader would wonder how to relate it to Usain. : )


----- this endorses your passion for running and therefore goes well with what I suggested above : )


------ change the punctuation!



Add this:These words echo in my ears all the time.


... : )

I have to say this - You are a very creative person and I love your style of writing. Hope you would become a contributor and join our community to help others : )

Undergraduate / Grammar corrections on exchange student statements [4]

Hi,

Here' s a little help from me : ) I am going to attend cC ommunity cC ollege at Seattle from next April.

I have ever been to other countries some times before. However,andI am used to go abroad, but it will be my first time to go by long term staying.this would be the first time that I would have a long stay in a foreign country.

This makes meI am really nervous and afraid of attending classes.ambiguous.But I am trying to improve skills while I stay in Japan. However, I am determined to take up all the challenges during my stay in Japan, in hope of improving my skills and bettering my future prospects.

Are you going to study in Japan or Seattle, USA? ... that's not very clear : )

Writing Feedback / 'Not just sharing profits' - Should rich countries share wealth among poor countries? [10]

Very good advice from kurianjoseph1 ... I am 100% in agreement. If you practice this structure, you can really improve your writing; manage time better and more importantly score marks. Follow this advice and arrange your essay in seperate paragraphs.


------- wated ; waste and waist are two different words.

Undergraduate / Temple University Transfer Essay- Back in Philly after 10 years [2]


Hmmmm.... that sounds a bit harsh and sort of letting down your former uni. Let's say that a bit more politely :D
I felt something was missing.


... awesome : )

Very impressive writing : ) ... I like if you break it into a few paras.... just a thought and it is well done :)

Writing Feedback / More houses are needed in many countries to cope with increasing populations. [8]


I dont think you are bad with examples. :D ....I just that you think about serious stuff and haven't given much attention to simple stuff :D

Well... let's take this line;


Give an example of a congested city. For example, let's say Mumbai (I doubt whether there can be any other to beat Mumbai :D ) So you can say;

In order to avoid this, more apartments and houses should be built in order to provide accommodation to the new ones. For example, in Mumbai, which is one of most populated cities in India, you cannot find separate housing units. Instead, there are apartments that provide the best solution to accommodate housing requirements amidst the scarcity of land.

Undergraduate / 'life goals'; my goal of becoming a cardiac surgeon became a must [2]


Well.... your first line doesn't seem to compliment the second one a lot. You have to tell how your goals are going to be different.... in my view, cardiac surgeon is not the real answer for that. Just give some thought for this point.

[


--------- you need this grammar fix here



I think this sentence is too long and the part in bold letters fails to convey your idea clearly.... Better re-phrase it

Undergraduate / Struggling to Pursue my Passion-USF Appeal [2]



You better tell them the features of the uni that you value so much. There's no harm telling them that heard all good about it, but you should display that your love for the uni is not just based on what others say or what you see on surface. Show them that you've done some research about the uni ; how those features are aligned with your aspirations.... You need to show them your strong personality traits through this letter : )

Undergraduate / Government P.H Pilot High School Dadu [2]



What Ahmad says is correct. You must tell how reading influenced you to become an engineer

Your essay fails to set up links between your ideas that disturbs its flow.... Also, when you make posts, include the prompt so that others would know what the prompt is asking you. That helps them to give a better feedback : )

Undergraduate / 'It's 114 degrees outside, flies are everywhere'; How Animals Made Me Human [2]


Very impressive opening : )


I feel you better start a new paragraph with this sentence.


"nothing from me'' or "nothing about me" ?


Interesting : )

Writing Feedback / More houses are needed in many countries to cope with increasing populations. [8]


------ when you say "has been" it refers to a problem of the past. That's the reason why I introduced the word "become"

Very good introduction and you follow the expected structure for this type of task.

You have good writing skills.... however, try to include examples to support your reasons.
: )

Graduate / Aeromechanical and Material Design; How Master's in Mech Eng fulfills my future plans [6]


--------- I think it is already implied and hence you can take those two words off. : )


Well.... this is a tricky sentence for me .... I feel it's worth taking a little bit of effort to re-phrase for this to continue the effect of your opening lines. They are really good. So I suggest;

This passion drove me to secure a place in the top xxx students in my batch and to win a scholarship. (hope you got the schol, otherwise you can change the last part) I think this line reduces your word count substantially : )

Graduate / HOPE IN REHABILITATION - PTCAS Essay [2]


------------ This would be better if you say what sort of hope he gave. For example;
He gave my grandfather a hope for life


This is my suggestion for those lines:
It was him who turned my grandfather's last few months into happy days. That is what I remember about the first physical therapist I ever met. Yes, had he not been there, my grandfather was a dead man long before he actually died. He gave him hope, courage and strength to fight out the odds. His influence inspired my grandfather to take small steps against his lost hopes for walking ever again.

Writing Feedback / His life has been unusual; The Spectacular For Me [2]


mingle with


... I introduced the word sensitive


------ or happy ?


------------- I suggest: he said to me once


When I read it I felt you drag a little bit more in explaining the gloominess of this character and that may make the reader tired.... Try and make it shorter

Writing Feedback / Description of a friend - The genius [7]


yes.... we will help you : ) and nice to meet you too : )


--------- I did some changes : )


-------- This is what I suggest:
He is with a round fair skinned face, narrow eyes that are concealed by thick glasses and a small pointed nose with wavy hair. He is pretty tidy in what he wears.



--------- Have the habit of starting your sentences with capital letters, even when you drafts :D
Avoid sms language :D

Undergraduate / "Is there a volunteer to go next?"; Exchange student experience in my PS for UC [9]

:D ... I think you write quite well and like your style of writing : ) Also you seem to be a very courageous and a hardworking person. So I believe you can go a long way and happy to acknowledge that my comments were helpful to you : )

Please give me the link of the thread so that I can give my comments on it.
I wish you all the best in all your future endeavours!

Undergraduate / My Study Plan Essay to Apply for Hospitality Management - Glion [2]

This is all good. However, I feel you better start with one of your experiences that would describe why you are so passionate about hospitality trade. The admission committee would remember you through that story. Remember, there are hundreds of applications and they need to select the best ones. So you need to stand out others. For that you must present your application more creatively.

Undergraduate / WHAT ARE YOUR CAREER GOALS AND HOW DO YOU EXPECT YOUR EDUCATION AT THE ART INSTITUTE [2]


This is my suggestion:
Since my childhood I dreamed of becoming a great fashion designer and now I'm standing in front of the opportunity of making it a reality.


--------- It's good if you set up a link between this and the previous sentence. There you say that you are in front of your dream where you can finally make it. So tell how and then link it with your career dream : )


--------- keep everything in the past tense.

Undergraduate / "Is there a volunteer to go next?"; Exchange student experience in my PS for UC [9]

Well.... You have to use ''I'' because you had to manage and handle most of the things yourself and without depending on others. So , it earns credit for you :D

But frankly, I did not feel bored reading your essay and on the contrary found it is very interesting and impressively presented. That's my genuine impression on the overall essay.

However, if you feel that too many ''I'' are used , try and replace them with ''we'' wherever possible. But I actually don't think it is necessary.


--------- gratified or grateful ?


------ one '' I'' is removed :D

Writing Feedback / William Shakespeare and his great works! [2]


--------------- I wish you rephrase this sentence... Seems having a problem with its length


--------- he had written plays; he had done remarkable works


---------------- I would suggest you to re-phrase the part in bold.... I dont get what you really try to mean

Hope my comments are helpful : )

Undergraduate / "Is there a volunteer to go next?"; Exchange student experience in my PS for UC [9]

Your introduction is so very impressive... I think it is well aligned with the prompt and gives an impressive feeling about your character and attitude. Also it is very well presented. Well done!



---------- it's not just the meaning of the word we need to learn, but its usage too... Because the appropriateness is a very important aspect of vocabulary usage


------------------ no wonder... you display excellent writing skills :)

Writing Feedback / How to learn vocabulary: 'writing the words, association, learning by reading' [3]


You can insert the following sentence in between:

Perhaps it is the most difficult part when learning a language due of its vastness.(In grammar, you only have few rules to concentrate, but vocabulary is something that you may not be able to learn completely in your life time. Also you need to know what is the most appropriate word in various situations)


-------------- It's not just about you comprehending what you hear and read, but also you need to deliver clearly to others.


---- better explain a little bit more about what you mean. It sounds too vague

Graduate / Aeromechanical and Material Design; How Master's in Mech Eng fulfills my future plans [6]

My inclination towards exploring new pathways in engineering helped me to prepare 2two(you can take advantage of the usage of word help which is not necessarily require you to have a ''to'' : D ) research papers which were published in proceedings of International Conferences. This achievement has instilled confidence in me and has encouraged me to pursue a master's program. I have completed certified courses in Auto-Cad, Catia and Ansys from reputed institutes. I have also completed my industrial internship at LOPSL, Solapur. Working in the manufacturing and the assembly department, I gotgained hands on experience in production, assembly and inspection of various pumps. Currently, I am working on my final year project "Design and Kinematic Analysis of Shoulder Joint", an interdisciplinary project which combines the study of biology along with mechanical engineering. In addition to thisFurther, I'm also assisting Prof. xxx with his doctoral project "Manufacturing of Low Cost CPM Machine".

xxx is a well structured and challenging program combined with an excellent opportunity to study in reputed consortium universities. The specialization option "Aeromechanical and Material Design" matches withsuites my interest,where I can apply my strong design, materials and CAD/CAE knowledge to explore various research opportunities in turbomachinery applied in automobiles and power generation sectors. With growing energy crisis, focus on improved lightweight turbomachines to improve thefor efficient(I guess the word efficient contains your whole idea) power generation efficiency is a need of the hour.

Hope this is helpful : )

Writing Feedback / Ielts:60% of freshmen alter their major subject in the second year of university [6]


Your introduction follow the right structure for this task. Simple but good : )


.... bring both these sentences into one. My suggestion;
First, university provides the students with the platform that help them obtain necessary knowledge, skills and credentials to pursue their career dreams.


---------------- before coming to their immaturity, set up a link between the two ideas;
Therefore, the prime focus of an undergraduate should be to prepare himself for the future career demands because it would be a critical factor for him to stand out the other potential competitors. By having them employed at a tender age may compel them to have their focus deviated from this task due to their immaturity.

Graduate / Trying to explain a poor GRE score for a Master's in Finance [4]


.... good point ... yes they don't : )

Your introduction is impressive. You defend yourself cleverly :D


----------------- good sentence

Why not mention about the reasons for having a poor score for GRE ?.... You may be having very genuine reasons to justify that. I feel it is good that you give some understanding to them that may help them make a decision about you. As you correctly said, scores do not display one's ability, but that is the mostly used yard stick for measuring one's ability. So give them an opportunity to have a balanced judgement between the two.

Anyways... it's well written and wish you good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Understanding myself through music' - UC Prompt #2 [6]


I think this is a strong sentence and has the potential to provide you with a catchy entrance to your essay. I would suggest you to start with this and first tell the admin committee about your timid personality. Then tell them although you had that problem, your passion for music was so strong and you could not resist the desire to learn music further and further. If you have some incident to reflect this idea include that too. Then tell them about your achievement, its importance to you as a person in building your confidence ... I think you write well and it just to put things together creatively to present an interesting piece of writing. After all you are a creative person. : )

Undergraduate / Picture books in childhood. (Essay for art school) [4]


My suggestion:
I am 20 years old, but still I look around for picture books section when I enter into a bookstore.


I know it may sound weird when you hear that a twenty year old would still like to read books meant for young children.



--------- I scrapped off that part because it sounds repetitive.

What is the purpose of this essay? Is it for an assignment?

Graduate / 'Ministry of Economic Affairs..' - SOP for International Economics and Governance [3]


Good opening ... very convincing too : )



I suggest you to change the organization of words very slightly:
Additionally, through interactive discussions related to case studies, it was amazing to note that how educated (or intellectual???) judgments can be made through decision analysis even for uncertain situations


---------- Since you mentioned about your interest in having employment with the ministry, I feel you need not to repeat that here. Straight away tell them your future plans : )


-------- i guess this is a very good point

It's very well written ... GOOD LUCK!

Writing Feedback / IELTS_WRITING) What are some important characteristics of a co-worker? [6]


Yes indeed, specially when they put make up on :D


------------- when you talk about work environments, try to use key words such as productivity, output, enhance, efficiency etc. : )


--------- I suggest you to tell the reader what they are at this point. But very briefly : )
For example;
Among the important characteristics that co workers need to have for better productivity, I believe cooperation and team spirit are the most essential characteristics they need to have.

In the body paras, you better give real life examples to support your reason. Also don't have more than one reason in one body para.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WT2: Library vs. Computer Technology [7]

Don't think you cannot do a good introduction. You certainly can.... you are good with writing... It's just that you need to get the right habits when you do the intro.

These are my tips again:
You can make use of the prompt for your first sentence. Don't think out of the world to get a catchy opening. Do a simple one. Now take this prompt for example. It talks about replacing books with computers. So ask yourself do you agree or no. If you do, just think why (or otherwise)

I thought in that line and that's how this hard copy and soft copy thing came into my mind. You need a little time to analyse the topic and write down the first sentence. Most important thing is that whatever you say, it needs to be aligned with your topic.

I got some help from Jason Ranshaw's website for TOEFL writing and hope it is still there. His tips are quite useful... google and see.

Also ... about the body paras, they are pretty good.... You follow the right structure ... Reason and example with good vocabulary and grammer ... they are really good

: )

Undergraduate / World Class researchers; Study Plan -Remote Sensing Technology [3]

My suggestion:
I am xxxx, a senior student from yyyy universtiy. I major in Remote Sensing Technology. Since my high school days I was interested in Environment and Geography and aspire to further my studies in the field of Geography. After completion of my graduate studies, I wish to return to China and begin research in my field or become a professor at a Chinese university.


My suggestion:
The UK has the most long standing reputed universities that offer the best courses that are highly advanced. Some of them are among the top 20 universities in the world. These universities have a greater focus on developing the students' practical skills, critical thinking and creativity and employ practical approaches that help students to apply theory in the practical scenarios. This is most important aspect for me because even though I am a senior student in a Chinese university, I lack the knowledge and exposure in applying the theory in practical situations.

Graduate / Aeromechanical and Material Design; How Master's in Mech Eng fulfills my future plans [6]

Some help for trimming down your word count:


--------------- I feel it's better you say how your passion developed



Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / Human Trafficking is a process that forces people to act against their will! [4]


You repeat " this paper will'' in both sentences. Why not try something else in the latter one?

Maria, a 15 year old girl, wanted to get a job and sell bread everyday at the street to increase her family's little income.

. ... selling bread is a consequence of her failure to find a job? ... that's not very clear : (




----------- better break the sentence to two : )

Undergraduate / 'My moving to America from Africa' - APLLICANT ESSAY TO LIBERAL ART COLLEGE [3]


-------- I did some changes here : )


.... the part I scrapped off sounds a bit repetitive.


------------ when you say country, it gives the effect of territorial significance. However, the word nation includes people too... people are the beneficiaries of education

Undergraduate / VT statement of "best day of your life so far" - Down syndrome [2]


-------- I feel having ideas in brackets disturb your flow. So, I suggest:
I neither was around children with disabilities before nor had any idea of how to be with them.



---------- this needs a try to re-phrase : )
The day went fast and had to bid farewell though I wanted to stay longer



----------- The part in bold letters is not very comprehensible. Try and improve clarity of your idea.

Writing Feedback / "Today is not a winter day yet. Why is it so thrill?" ; Narrative paragraph [2]


---------- better rephrase this; it doesn't come clearly : (

Either she couldn't open her eyes or had a difficulty in breathing. Then, the weather suddenly turned extremely cold.


I must wake up! But my eyelids are stuck and cannot open both my eyes. So does my breath ! Why do I feel so uncomfortable?





Good Job! Interesting! : )

Writing Feedback / 'Yoga practice' - What do you think are the best ways of reducing stress? [4]


.... good opening and you have quickly set up the link and achieved alignment with the topic. Good! and a nice introduction : )

It's a good essay now; clear, factual and nicely presented : )
.... You have very good writing skills. Are you preparing for TOEFL or IELTS? If so, do more practice on possible topic and make posts to this forum. We would make our comments. The more you practice, the more you improve and be able to manage time at the exam!

Good Job!

Writing Feedback / Most of my family members refer to me by the colloquial expression "foodie" I'm more gourmand though [3]


----------------- no two words, you are an interesting character :D .... BTW well presented!
Superb Introduction .... You display lots of creativity : )


------------ OMG :D


---------- one of my favorite sentences : )


----------- lovely finish too

I think you are not just good with food skills :D , but also with your unique writing skills.... I loved every sentence of your essay. Hope you do some more posts for us to read. Well Done!

Essays / :( I really would love someone to review and help me!My tutor was in a hit an run:'(( [2]


---------- impressive :)


------ I guess Bahamas is your country. If so, I wish you make some effort to express your patriotism. For e.g.
One the greatest advantages of being a captain in the maritime industry is that it gives me an opportunity to make my contribution to my country, the Bahamas.


---------hey.... you are going to offend the teachers and nurses :D After all, some find these occupations are very inspirational and, in my view, all depend on individual perceptions and interest... So, you better put this differently without picking up particular professions;

Instead of the monotonous jobs like teaching and nursing;Because this is a profession that is far from monotonous, there will be more persons becoming interested in being a captain.

------------- this way, everybody's safe :D

However, a captain preferably a female captain is one that faces much discrimination because it's a male governing job.

-------------- this is not presented well and tends to confuse the reader. Better reorganize its order;
However, this is a male governing job and so that female captains would be subject to much discrimination.

Your writing is very impressive. : )

Undergraduate / UC PROMPT # 2 Saving a friend [3]


------------ Very impressive : )


--------- don't leave the reader in an ambiguous status. Tell the reasons.

I was scared and nervous mostly for myself, however selfish that sounds.

... I love this sentence : )



------- hey....you are bringing adrenaline rush in me too :D


------- insight or inspiration ????? just a thought :D

Well presented : ) .... Only gap I saw is that you tell them that she felt suicidal, but no indication to the reason for that. If you do not wish to talk about it, think of covering up this gap smartly :D

Anyway, GOOD JOB!

Graduate / 'healthy diet' - People do many things to stay healthy. [2]



------- being over weight one would suffer both physically as well as mentally : )


----------- as much as ...may be a typo :D



----------- I did some changes here


---------- well.... humanity and health do not go together. When you say humanity, the reader expects you to talk about compassion, kindness, non violence, selflessness etc. etc. that express humanly feelings. However, health is somewhat technical. If you say that becoming vegetarian encourages humanity, then say that it helps non harming other's lives by compelling people to abstain from animal slaughter.