Writing Feedback / It is undeniable that Math is a fundamental subject and considerably relates to some occupations [2]


- Anybody can deny this claim. There are successful business people who are not exactly the best and the brightest when it comes to Math. Do not make over reaching declarations. Specially, do not offer unsolicited opinions as the essay does not require additional information from you. It only requires a reframing of the original prompt in a manner as close to the original presentation as possible.


- This an opinion that should have been presented as your thesis statement. You should not have presented this in the first sentence. As a direct question response, it should be contained in your response sentence at the end of the paragraph. Your current response is therefore insufficient as it does not reflect an actual extent response.


- You have changed the discussion parameters, this will cause your essay to fail. Stick to the given discussion, related reasoning,and nothing more. Changing the discussion topic, by offering an opinion in an essay that does not ask you to change the discussion opinion of the presentation, will result in a failing score.

Writing Feedback / The maps below show the town of Langley in 1910 and 1950. Summarise the information [2]

The format for the essay presentation is incorrect. You always need to present a minimum of 3 paragraphs for comparative image presentations. The 3 paragraphs have to cover:

- The summary of the information provided in the original prompt
- The first image discussion points
- The second image comparison points in reference to the first image.

Separating your presentation paragraphs will help add clarity to the presentation and also, make it easier for the reader to follow the discussion. The paragraphs create pauses for the reader, giving them time to assess your presentation for coherence and cohesiveness.

The presentation contains several grammatical inaccuracies. These have to do with your ability to present the proper past tense reference points for your data. The 1910 description should not contain references to changes in the map yet. That should come when you discuss the comparison with the 1950 image.

Scholarship / Personal Statement, Erasmus Scholarship: GLOCAL Master program, study track Sustainable Business [4]


Reading your presentation, I have to say, you covered almost all of the bases specifically, except, for this portion of the essay. You were not able to relate your interests with the courses offered in the program you are interested in. There needs to be a connection between your professional experience, academic background, and how these combined to prepare you to succeed in taking this GLOCAL masters course. What specific courses or internships qualify you as a candidate? How was your course decision affected by the curriculum for both years? Were these affected by your academic and professional background? Each year focuses on a different study point, so create the connection that the discussion requires.

You have a strong presentation here that can be made stronger by the addition of information as required. Depending upon the strength of the other applicants, you could very well be among the considerable candidates for the program. So you really have to make sure that you do not miss out on any discussion points.

Undergraduate / Giving "Hack" A New Name | Common Application Personal Essay [Prompt #4] [3]

Creative and interesting presentation. Interesting take on an otherwise boring discussion. The lessons learned are more than properly developed in the essay. A clear progression of your personality and your desire to succeed is evident. More importantly, the fact that you did not give up and figured out how to bounce back from failure shows that you have the mettle to be a serious college student. The more difficult the situation, the higher your chance of failure, the more you are challenged to succeed. This is a strong presentation that supports a clear reference to an adult maturity on your part. It also shows that you prefer to enter into an unfamiliar situation, then turn it on its head so that you are the one in control of the outcome of the activity you have chosen to do. Good job. This will definitely help the reviewer to consider your application to their university on a higher level than the standard applicant.

Scholarship / Stipendium Hungaricum Motivational Letter For Architecture [7]

This is a good overall explanation of your interest in the course. It is not a motivational statement as required. The essay is too short, does not focus on your interest in architecture engineering and technology, and fails to develop a clear representation of your ambition as a college graduate of this course. You need to develop at least 3 paragraphs that represent:

- What your specific interest in the course is
- How these will help you achieve a post college career
- Why you have decided to study at a specific university in Hungary

Create a concise presentation of these ideas / motivations in your essay to achieve the ideal (not necessarily perfect) statement of motivation for your application.

Scholarship / An impact (college application); Cite any cases in which you thought and/or made attempts in ways... [3]

Uhhh... I do not think that messing with William Shakespeare is the way to go with this response. Don't mess with the ancient classics. You never know who might be reading the paper. If you get a British Lit interested reviewer, you may have just done blasphemy to British Lit. Can you aim for something else instead? How about citing a different instance instead? Aim for something that shows how you may be an asset to the student community. You can still use the camp reference, but make it something less controversial (just in case). Perhaps you can talk about changing a norm in camp? Or helping out someone who others did not want to help? Maybe, consider suggesting a different activity that others did not support but you did anyway, bringing together the camp or a group of students. Think of how you can portray yourself as a leader, imagineer, influencer, or anything else along those lines. Just make sure it has a positive impact on the people around you. I know you said this is for technical school, but that doesn't change the way that student abilities are reviewed for the most part. This has nothing to do with the technical side but rather, the character and conduct side of your application.

Scholarship / Stipendium Hungaricum Motivation Letter for Geography Major [4]

You have failed to respond to the 2 basic questions for the college scholarship:
- Why Geography?
- Why Hungary?

The "Why Geography" question would have been properly responded to by a paragraph that indicates what your professional career will be in the future. Will you be a World History teacher? Will you become an archeological assistant? Do you plan on opening a tourism business in your country servicing an international clientele? There is no ambition attached to signify your professional / personal motivation for pursuing Geography as your major.

As for the "Why Hungary?" question, the response to that will also depend on the "Why Geography" explanation. The interest in the internship programs. the curriculum, and everything else, depends upon how you plan to drive your future. Solid plans for your career, forgetting the masters degree for now as that is too far into your future to consider, have to be presented. The GIS plan you have and its application does not have a clear connection with Geography at this point. Aim lower. Create a starting point for your future career first. What is the first step in your career plan? That is what should drive your overall motivation.

Writing Feedback / CPE PART 1 QUESTION - ESSAY ABOUT INDIVIDUALITY VERSUS MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING [2]

You are too focused on showcasing the complex English words that you know. While that is something that is good for the presentation, it is also a drawback because it removes the common sense discussion that helps the layman understand what you are saying. When you write these essays, always consider the audience that you are writing for. In this case, you are not writing for a specific set of professionals. You are writing for the everyday person, both young and old, who may not be highly familiar with the references you will be using. Common examples will be easily understandable to the reader as opposed to the highly technical and difficult to comprehend at first glance:


Being unnecessarily high brow in your writing will not help with the clarity of the understanding of your work. You are making the presentation unnecessarily complex. You are also targeting the wrong audience with your presentation.

Scholarship / My dream goal is to be a lecturer. Personal Statement for GKS-G 2021 [5]

Aside from using a horrible online translator that mangled the English language, the actual information in this essay does not meet the GKS-G requirements as specified in their application form. Based on the content of this essay, it is clear to me that you have no idea what the GKS-G personal statement is all about. Not a single piece of information you provided reflects the immediate requirements of the GKS-G Personal statement. You lack a proper motivation, a clear educational background in relation to your chosen masters course, there is no connection between your academic interests and Korea, there is no explanation that would justify why you would be a good candidate for this scholarship, there is just nothing in this essay that would qualify you past the screening round.

Do yourself a favor, download the actual application packet for the GKS-G program and read through the requirements. You have plenty of time to prepare your application essays. However, you need to prepare these according to the correct requirements of the scholarship, otherwise, your application will fail to qualify. This personal statement that you wrote is a clear example of an unqualified GKS-G personal statement.

Letters / Review of Motivation Letter for MS Mechanical Engineering in Hungary [3]

Of this extremely long personal statement, it is not a letter of motivation for the most part, only 3 paragraphs actually apply in reference to your motivation to study in Hungary. Paragraphs 4, 10, and 11 are the only paragraphs that actually relate to your motivation to apply for this scholarship / admission to the university. Therefore, a new motivational letter should be developed, a quick 5 paragraph letter, that expands on the discussion points established in the aforementioned 3 paragraphs. Once properly redeveloped, rewritten, and presented, you should have an acceptable motivational letter to present with your other application documents. As for the rest of the information you provided, keep those handy, do not delete the current version. File it away for future use covering either a personal statement, academic qualifications, or why you make a suitable candidate essays. You can pick your topic focus for a response to any of those essays from this current version.

Undergraduate / Write your Personal Profile for UBC application - how others describe me & something I'm proud of [2]

Delete the first paragraph. That is not a requirement in this statement. Use at least 2 different points of view coming from your parents and peers. Use the essay to build your image as a student / friend and family member. You are different things to different people. Hence, they should not have the same point of view about you. There is no clear definition of what you are most proud of and why in this presentation. What goal was it you were trying to achieve? The goal should be clearly referred to in a separate paragraph that would explain how that goal is supported by the way that other people look at you. For example, your parents can view you as hard-working and your friends, see you as a determined person. Which among your accomplishments would be supported by such differing but important character descriptions? Make sure the character traits are combined and evident in the accomplishment you have chosen to discuss. How is it supported? Why did these character traits, as it applies to your accomplishment, make you decide that this was the achievement you wanted to present as the representation of your character?

Research Papers / For the Low Price of "Free": Should Higher Education be Made Free For All? [2]

There is a lacking thesis presentation in this research paper. There is no introduction to the topic. You seem to be starting at the second discussion paragraph instead. There is no clear establishing paragraph that explains the topic, focus, and need for this research. Try to develop a proper thesis statement before you present the current first paragraph. Without a clear personal representation of why this work should be valued, the overall paper does not make much sense to the reader, even with a highly descriptive title attached to it.

The next problem, is that your paper relies heavily on quoted information in every paragraph. The paper is more than 50% in-text citation and paraphrasing, without an actual explanation or opinion coming from the writer. This weakens the presentation, making it simply a series of cut and paste information coming from other people. It does not help tie together your reason for wanting to discuss this topic and the relevance of the information you have researched.

Undergraduate / The Best Squash - UBC Sauder Questions About Handling a Problem [3]

Well, this essay certainly impresses the reader. Being ranked 4th nationally as a Squash player means you could be an athletic asset to the university that you choose to attend. The fact that you faced a problem related to sports injuries, which you managed to overcome as time progressed shows that you are a responsible person who may have weak moments, but you certainly have your wits about you at all times, even when feeling weak and lost. The essay itself is good. However, I would like you include a reference to Squash towards the end. Did you go back to playing the sport? Are you still a ranking national player? How did you work your back as an athlete? These are important focus points that carry the same weight as your personal learning experience. Remember that the universities also look for potential athletically qualified students. Squash, in reference to your athletic abilities, may come in handy as you apply for admission to various universities and colleges.

That said, yes, you will need to revise the presentation to fit the word requirement. Shorten the negative presentation. Summarize that part so that you can focus on the recovery and lessons learned aspect in a manner that allows these to become the central focus of your presentation instead.

Scholarship / Deeper understanding of the world - United World College (UWC) application essay [2]

You sound like you are merely mouthing the information that is readily available on the website of UWC rather than actually justifying your interests, qualifications, and embodiment of what UWC stands for. That is what the personal statement should be explaining and defining in your presentation. That is what you current presentation has failed to do.

Discard this essay in its totality. In its place, develop an essay that focuses on the core values of UWC as you feel you successfully represent in who you are today. For every core value, explain how you are the living example of that value. Refer to how you use that value to help others in your community, make the reviewer understand that you will not only uphold the UWC values as a student, but also help improve upon what already exists of its various core values.

Based on the core values that you represent, give a discussion of what you hope to experience during your 2 years as a student there. This could be a personal development aspect, an social consciousness based on on the diversity of the student community, or something else that would help depict you as a student who looks to become a globalized person through your studies at UWC.

Writing Feedback / Many studies show that people spend most of their time using smartphones for various reasons [3]

An academic essay must follow specific grammar rules, that includes specific guidelines regarding when and how to use conjunctions such as "because". As a connecting word, "because" is used to connect 2 related ideas in one sentence to create a fluid thought process. It cannot be used at the start of a sentence or paragraph presentation without a statement or thought presentation preceding it.

The first paragraph does not establish the actual topic, reason, and thesis statement for the discussion. There is no connection between the use of 3C products at the start and why the Taiwanese government decided to use road signs. There needs to be a middle presentation that will connect the two topics to create a coherent paragraph. There are several pieces of information missing in that paragraph which could have accomplished that.

The second paragraph fails to make any sense to the reader. You said that the habit of people "by using smartphones" cannot be gotten rid of. There is a mistake in the sentence structure. Did you mean "of" rather than "by" using smartphones instead? There is again, a lack of a clear subject or topic sentence and ill developed discussion presentation in that paragraph.

The same problems persist throughout your succeeding paragraphs. There is no common sense or logical sense to your presentation. The subject and reason for the discussion paragraphs are always missing, confusing, or not very well explained. The opinion paper, as presented, is not good at all. An English native speaker will not be able to make sense of what the point of your presentation actually is. There are too many avenues for discussion presented, yet not a single one is central or integral to the discussion being presented.

Letters / Introduce your background and support your application. Why are you a suitable candidate? [3]

Since you are applying as a full bachelor's degree student, the motivation letter should show your ambition as a person interested in the field of Technical Management or Electrical Engineering. Normally, you should focus on only one course at a time for your application because, even though both share an entrance exam, you are not going to be able to write a convincing motivation letter because the two courses have different course curriculum and end results in terms of a professional career. Pick one of the two, the one you are truly interested in. You cannot write a convincing motivational letter that tries to hedge your bets. The reviewer will not get a clear motivation for your choice of course if you do not pick one. In reality, this letter does not offer a true motivation because of your divided course choices. There is no clear ambition, professional path that could be considered a motivation, nor, interest in how Hungary can help you become a top professional upon your return to your home country. Improving your language skills should not be a reason or motivation for you to seek studies in Hungary either. The letter itself is too generalized, does not contain any focus, and offers no unique purpose or reason for your studies in Hungary. You even forgot to add a university choice as one of the motivations for your choice of Hungary to study at. This is not an effective motivational letter because it does not reflect any real motivations on your part, only a general, unfocused, little developed discussion of why you think you should study in Hungary. Nothing in this letter indicates that you will be a good candidate for the scholarship.

Undergraduate / My common app about being stuck on the mountains of Osaka, Japan and the analogy [2]

The essay itself covers a detailed discussion of your background and development as person. It does not really cover the requirements of the prompt you have chosen. While it does relate somehow, the fact that you are speaking of several different points in your life in this essay is what makes the discussion have a different target topic in the presentation. You can retain this essay, with only proofreading requirements, if you change the prompt to one of the two I am suggesting below:

- Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent ...please share your story.
- Share an essay on any topic ... one of your own design.

Personally, due to the complex coverage of your discussion, I believe that you should create an interesting prompt that will double as the title of your essay instead. That way you can easily make the reviewer understand the unique discussion that will be coming his way.

Scholarship / Essay to enroll in the global studies program [3]

The first half of your response is more appropriate for a Gender Studies masters course as opposed to Global Studies masters course. The experience that you have is gender specific to women, which does not necessarily require a Global masters course to accomplish. In the last part of your essay, you respond by discussing diversity. This disconnects from your experience and desire to help women as indicated in the first part of the statement. You have a disconnected point of view presented in this essay that does not reconcile your interests in women's rights, as implied by your desire to learn about why gender discrimination against women happens on a global scale, with your desire to highlight diversity and the global rights of people in general. You will have to pick one of the two to focus on in this essay. Since you are focusing on Global Studies, drop the focus on women and gender rights in the first part. Instead, speak of diversity and diversity discrimination as it applies to Indonesia, which you hope to solve through your Global Studies course.

There is a lack of reference to your actual academic experience and how it applies to your interest in Global Studies. I am guessing your undergraduate course does not apply right? In which case, you still have to discuss it in a manner that shows some sort of applicability to your chosen course. Otherwise, your response to the prompt is incomplete, which will make you disqualified from further consideration as a student candidate.

Letters / "Born in Italy" - motivation letter ETH Master program [3]

Put a pin in this essay and use it as the basis of your personal statement, if one is required for your application, instead. The motivation letter for ETH needs to be highly specific in presentation. The university focuses on the development of future business leaders. So your motivation needs to focus on how you plan to develop a particular business interest through the use of ETH's personal competencies focused programs. Since you are allowed to create your own learning program, your motivation should represent how you will use the benefits of the open learning system they offer. Let me see if I can make this simpler for you. Consider the following for your revised motivation letter:

- What have you learned in your undergraduate course that has led to an interest in a specific masters course from the university. Be course specific and relate the continuing education focus.

- What future plans do you have for your career that will benefit from the exposure to top researchers from the university?

- Consider your personal strengths and and interests. What initiatives does ETH offer that motivates you to pursue personalized studies at the university?

- Are there any cross disciplinary competencies that further fueled your motivation to study at ETH? How did these inspire your choice?

- Show a clear motivation based on continuing education from your undergraduate to your masters course as a part of your motivating factor. Try to justify the comparative degrees factor in your discussion.

Remember that the university only accepts specific types of students who fit the mold of the ETH requirements for masters course studies. Your current motivation letter does not make you a qualified candidate at this point. Hopefully, my guide questions can help you create a more appropriate and relevant motivation letter.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, many young people face to the employment. What are the causes and how to solve this. [2]


- Upon what information is this claim being made? Are you being asked to testify to the validity of a claim in the original prompt? You were not. You were not asked to provide an opinion nor attestation on your part. Such unsupported written information creates misinformation in your prompt restatement, It removes the accuracy of your depiction of the original discussion topic and will result in percentage deductions for your TA score. It may be enough to kick off your score, based on individual scoring considerations, at a failing mark. Always strive for restatement accuracy to help increase, rather than decrease your TA score.

Why did you avoid directly responding to the questions provided? The questions require a direct response in the thesis portion of the restatement as these are used to assess your understanding of the given prompt, and your ability to provide applicable responses, in English. The topic outline is a major part of your TA scoring consideration as these responses help the examiner assess the clarity of your opinion / understanding of the discussion requirements.

Though you presented 2 discussion reasons in your discussion paragraph, you wasted the first sentence since you used an irrelevant sentence starter in the presentation. You should have used that sentence allowance midstream instead, using it to create a transition sentence from the first to the second discussion point. Without the transition sentence, your presentation comes across as requiring further development. Rather than the wasted first sentence, I would have written a useful transition sentence in the manner of:

It is precisely because of the lack of work experience that businesses are not inclined to hire fresh graduates...

That transition sentence helps to strengthen the first claim that you made, increasing the cohesiveness and coherence of that presentation paragraph.

The solutions paragraph has an under developed first solution. It does not relate to the second reason. The second reason is more related, as a solution, to the previously presented reasoning subjects. As for the conclusion, you need to further develop that to use at least 40 words or 2 sentences. Otherwise, it doesn't come across as a properly developed and discussed concluding statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: state-funded public transport - agree/disagree [3]

The prompt restatement is incorrect as it includes personally developed information. This removes the original reference points in the original presentation and alters the presentation and understanding for the reader. You must stick only to the provided information for the restatement so as not to alter any of the provided data while preserving the text meaning. A more appropriate restatement would have been:

A public idea has been emerging regarding the existing mass transit system. There are those who believe that the urban transportation service should be completely subsidized by the bureaucracy so that the population can use the services free of charge. I partially approve of this idea based on the reasons that... and....

The two discussion topics can help bring clarity and support to your opinion, upon which your TA score is heavily based. In your presentation, you lack not only alternate word usage for keywords, but you also failed to present a clear opinion based on your measured response.

Your reasoning paragraphs are too wordy, but fail to get to the point in a cohesive and concise manner. You need to focus on a shorter but clearer discussion presentation, rather than using so many words to simply introduce your topic sentence. This is not a word or vocabulary test, this is a test of your analytical skills, presented in English, based on summarized but clearly explained discussion presentations.

Writing Feedback / The dilemma of whether to continue further education or to apply for a livelihood instantaneously [2]

You are changing the source of information in the essay. The original prompt refers to "some people" and "others". These reference words should not be confused with "youngsters". However, referring to "some individuals" is a correct word replacement for "others". Alternative words for "some people" would be " public, some groups, or personages". By indicating "youngsters", you have changed the source of information, which will lower your TA score as you supplied incorrect information in your restatement. It removes the accuracy of your personal interpretation of the original topic.

The discussion presentation itself is incorrect. There must be individualized discussions of each public point of view, prior to your personal opinion paragraph. The personal opinion can be stated either as an agreement and disagreement with each public opinion, included in the public opinion discussion explanation paragraph, or, as personal opinion in support of a singular point of view. The presentation you have chosen to use does not meet the formatting requirement for this task.

The conclusion needs more work. Attention must be paid to the reverse paraphrase presentation that reiterates the topic, public opinions, and your personal point of view within 3-5 sentences.

Undergraduate / No More What-ifs. Commonapp Essay [2]

Neither prompt you have chosen applies to this essay. The focus of the essay is on your family alone. You are an afterthought in the presentation. It does not accomplish the task that you have chosen it for. This will not even work as an open topic essay because the discussion splits into 2 towards the end. It went from a focus on a family scandal, to "what-ifs" that fail to connect the previous discussion with the later part and the conclusion. The scandal should be summarized and its effects on you, should become the detailed discussion. Only after you have revised this essay to apply to one of the 2 prompts that you have chosen, can you say that you have written a related response statement. Unfortunately, I cannot choose the prompt for you. That is a personal choice I have nothing to do with.

Undergraduate / Tell us about who you are. Include something you are proud of and why? - Graduation and tough times [2]

As this statement is based on your character when attending to different situations, avoid using a collective description for yourself. That means, use an individual description for each (1 each for parent, sister, and friends). Think of it this way, the response will help the reviewer assess if you are ready for college based on the point of view of other people. Have you developed the sense of maturity, responsibility, and teamwork that can help you adjust to college life? Are you the type of person who will flourish in an unsupervised but high stress situation ( as college is often perceived to be)?

You cannot use various situations to describe what you are most proud of. You cannot be proud multiple times in this statement. Focus on only 1 event, achievement, or notable undertaking. You are not focusing on the required information in this presentation. You are over discussing the prompt, but failing to inform the reviewer of the required useful information regarding your character and personal skills / abilities.

Undergraduate / AIF Pandemic Information - Computer Science [2]

This is a good response to the question. However, you need to better explain why you believed that turning to art during the time of the pandemic and personal crises. combine the discussion for both as a therapeutic presentation on your part. This would better address the following prompt instruction:


Within 900 characters, create a comprehensive response that outlines the effect of the diagnosis on you, how you discovered art would help you get better, and at what point you are right now in relation to recovery and artistic expression. The presentation you gave has a conclusion, but it is not as relevant as it could be based on the discussion requirements. It isn't just about making money, it is about self-healing, self-discovery, and a continuing learning process in your life since we are still in pandemic mode.

Scholarship / Reasons and motivations to study in Korea (education studies) [2]

This is a solid representation of the prompt discussion instructions. You have covered all of the bases in terms of representing the importance of your masters studies in Korea. However, the essay suffers in terms of your presentation of thoughts. You definitely know what you want to say, the problem is how you said it. The essay is composed of confusing discussions in the sense that you lack the use of punctuation marks. The coherence of your discussion goes missing when the sentences become too long for the reader. Your combined thought presentations make it difficult to follow the essay in terms of content.

So why did I say the essay is strong just the same? It is strong because the discussion points that can convince the reviewer that you are a good candidate for this program is right there. It is evident in the writing. All you have to do is edit the paper for cohesiveness and coherence. Create clearer sentence and paragraph representations to help the reviewer better understand your qualifications for the scholarship. Separate the ideas in every paragraph, in every sentence. Clarity is better than length in the overall consideration of sentence and paragraph content.

Writing Feedback / Children nowadays watch more television, which reduces their ectivity levels? Reason? Measures? [3]


- This is a factual claim. Do you have information from the original discussion presentation that supports this claim? If not, then do not make such over reaching statements that result in your delivering an opinion that is not based on information driven evidence from the original prompt.

You have a strong topic sentence in the second paragraph, that was weakened by the use of phrase fillers (To begin with, However, In conclusion) instead of actual information. Word and phrase fillers are only used to help you meet the word count requirement. Students should be careful of using long word or phrase fillers as these do not give any actual meaning to the succeeding text. Word and phrase fillers do not have a scoring relevance. Actual data / information presentation is what matters in the overall scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2, TOPIC: IMPACT OF PRIVATE CARS AND SOLUTIONS [5]

Your problems lie mostly in the GRA aspect of your writing. You need to learn to properly use connecting words ( ex. a, the) in relation to the singular or plural form of the subject presentation. you can clearly see this problem in your prompt restatement, where you needed to use the word "the" after "Nowadays". The plural form of the word should also be used (cars) in reference to the original prompt.

There is a lack of accuracy in your prompt restatement. You have offered an opinion, when you were not asked to do so. This changed the prompt instructions from the original as you added an action, which was not required in the presentation. The addition of an opinion has provided a prompt change which will affect your TA score negatively. You also failed to provide the 3 discussion points in the thesis portion. While you did offer a restatement of the discussion instructions, that would not have helped to increase the TA score. Providing the discussion outline shows and academic familiarity with research / opinion paper writing, which could have provided you with a better TA score.

You are redundant in your 2nd paragraph presentation. Rather than presenting the topic for discussion in that paragraph, you repeated the prompt discussion requirements again. Always start with a clear topic sentence that allows the reader to understand the discussion points to be presented instead. Redundancies do not help to increase your C&C score as these repetitions do not add to the information or value of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Household power - IELTS writing task 1, diagram [4]

Post the image to go with your task next time. I require it for a proper and complete review of your data report. I will do what I can in terms of a general review, but do not expect an intricate review as that cannot be done without the image that accompanied the task.

The summary overview should be longer than one sentence. This should have at least 3 descriptive sentences within it, including the trending statement. You will lose valuable TA points when you present such an incomplete summary. It could actually make you fail the test from the very beginning.

Since there are 6 steps in the process of creating home electricity, the succeeding explanatory paragraphs need to be composed of 3 procedures / steps each. Each one supporting the explanation of the process, why it is important, and how it helps usher in the next stage of the energy production process. I am basing this on a general reference point, without having seen the image. This is why the supplying of the image is required for these practice essays. I cannot assess if you are working within the given instructions or not. I can only assume things without it.

Undergraduate / Your existence is worth more than just a piece of paper / Undocumented Asian, Origami, Common App [3]

I would have been able to help you better with this essay had you provided the common app prompt that you are responding to. I have no idea what prompt you are writing for so I cannot really assess the written work in terms of response applicability, areas of weakness, and points of strength. As a general personal statement, without a prompt to respond to, I can say that this is interesting enough of an introduction to your family background, dreams, hopes, aspirations, and obstacles you had to overcome. I cannot go beyond this assessment without knowing the prompt requirement.

You have allowed the reviewer to get to know your background from the tender age of 3 up to present. However, the origami story is getting lost in the presentation. You have to focus on a specific personal discussion, depending on the prompt requirement. Since there are several that this essay could respond to, I cannot even try to guess which one you are addressing with this work. Kindly post your prompt the next time you post a fresh essay for review. I am incapable of reviewing the content without it to direct my analysis of your work.

Undergraduate / STEM and the arts - reasons for choosing the CFM program at Waterloo [2]

The educational goal needs to be more precise. It needs to show a clear decision on your part to integrate both science and finance as the reason you have chosen Waterloo. Since you are already speaking of the double major program, the "if" in your statement should disappear. Instead, you should be focusing your response on an educational goal that will result in a combined professional achievement upon your graduation. For example, your interest in stem is leading you towards finding a cure for Covid 19, but you do not want to sell the formula, so you will need the finance education to help you kickstart your laboratory company. So the CFM program fits your academic goals in relation to your professional target. The professional target will be part of the reason for your interest in your chosen program. Do not rely on the co-op discussion alone because all the students include that in their response. It is the default response. The reviewers are looking for unique and interesting responses to this question that do not always fall back on the most obvious reason for choosing the university and the course. Consider using the MATES club as one of the reasons for your application, based on your intended double major.

Undergraduate / "If you could meet a character from a book or a historical figure..." College Supplement Prompt [2]

The response is appropriate for the task. You have managed to show the reviewer that you have a real interest in your course, the basis for that interest, and how you might develop yourself as a student in the future. There is a balance of academic interest and social development in the presentation. You have successfully balanced your personality presentation in the essay so I would not worry about meeting the prompt requirement. You did it. The response is good. You accomplished what you set out to do, which is help the reviewer get a better understanding of who you are and if you know how to see the lighter side of your interest in your college major.

I would not ask you to change anything, nor would I ask you to add any information. The task has been met. If anything, you should just focus on polishing the presentation and reviewing any possible grammar errors or presentation improvements. Otherwise, I consider this essay in its final form, as is. You may want to change the contractions though. It makes the essay too informal. It is still an academic piece of writing after all.

Writing Feedback / Psychologists assert that color has a significant impact on individuals' mood [2]

When you write your draft, always take note of the keywords that, when stated using synonyms, can help increase your LR score. In this presentation, you failed to reword the following keywords:

Psychologists - psychoanalyst, psychotherapist, therapist, or disorder analysts
Color - hue, paint, coloration, coloring
Color Schemes - color arrangement, color compatibility, color design, color pattern, decorator colors

Any of the word references to the specific original keywords would have helped to show a wider vocabulary range and word usage ability on your part. The lack of that, by using the same keywords, limited your ability to garner a higher LR score.

You must avoid simply restating the instruction for the discussion in the thesis sentence. Instead, focus on responding directly to the 2 provided questions by providing your discussion topics instead. You did that for the first one ( how true...) but failed to give a topic for discussion in relation to the second question (how far does...) By not clearly responding to the questions, you failed to show a strong English comprehension skill, in relation to the TA requirement of a clear opinion (based on the response to the discussion questions provided).

If you do not have room to say "Firstly, secondly, Lastly", then do not use numerical ordinals in your discussion. It is always best to use the topic sentence in that section because it sets the tone for the subject, clarity of the discussion, and extent of the topic being provided.

Undergraduate / 1250 feet above the ground-view; my common application essay to verify [3]

You need to remain age-free in the essay to help the reviewer focus more on what you are saying, rather than trying to convince himself that an 11 year old or a little girl could have been drawn to architecture, without even knowing what architecture was all about yet. Simply imply that you have a long standing interest in architecture that developed when you first visited the Empire State Building and Disneyland. Avoiding an age reference altogether. While you might view the age representation as something unique, that actually doesn't impress the reviewers because they understand that to be an exaggeration on your part. If it isn't, and you are telling the truth, you still won't change their minds. So avoid the age mention, just to make sure their attention goes where it should, without any question or doubt.

There appear to be 2 different common app prompts being discussed in this essay. You should make sure that you apply each statement to the correct prompt. Mixing up the two aren't going to be helpful to your application. I am not sure which of the common apps you are responding to at this point, but I do know that you cannot use both halves of this presentation for a singular prompt. Separate it. Pick from the common app essays. That way you will be able to draft 2 essays from one piece of writing. By the way, you need proof reading in the essay. Some of your grammar is off base and there are spelling errors here and there based on homonym confusion.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - The Geometry Problem [2]

Have you settled on what common apps you would want to write about? This presentation is extremely long and lacking in actual applicability based on the common app prompts. Don't just write for the sake of writing, hoping to make what you write fit the prompt. Rather, choose your major, then choose the prompts that you feel will best support your application. It nneed not be extremely long, riddled with quotes from other people, or trying to sound highly intelligent. You just need to be yourself, let the reviewer get to know you based on the prompt focused response essays you will be writing.

You may be an international student, but that is no excuse for not having the time to write long essays during your senior year. You cannot pre-emptively write these essays as your interests and focus will be changing over time. You should write these essays closer to the actual opening of college application dates. Set aside a specific amount of time 3 months before applications begin so you can write proper essays.

This essay doesn't fit any common app prompt in particular. So you cannot use this as a one discussion applies to all essay. You can choose your prompts as early as now if you want, there are little changes from year to year to the application prompts anyway. Choose the prompts and spend the year focused on developing your perfect response to each prompt.

Essays / What role will robots play in our future? - Struggling with paragraphs, and a persuasive essay [3]

The prompt leaves you open to discuss several related (sub) fields in relation to robotics. You still need to whittle that down to a smaller (sub) section for you to be able to focus on a particular discussion regarding automation. In order to discuss the future of automation, you first, have to go back into its history. If you read about the history of robotics, you should come up with several fields of interest that will directly relate to the prompt. Pick one of the industries involved and focus on that. If you try to focus on robotics in general, you will definitely end up with more questions than answers. Ask your adviser if you will be allowed to focus on a field of robotics rather than robotics in general. If you are allowed to focus on a field, then half the problem will be solved for you.

Possible topics for the future of robotics include:
- Automated driving / passenger plane flying
- Automated home services/ tourism industry
- Medical robots
- Robots replacing police officers

The list goes on and on. So you have to focus on a specific field, rather than a general discussion. The prompt you were given sounds like you have room to create a focus point. Ask your adviser if that is so. If you are allowed to expand on the starting topic, then pick a sub topic to discuss from the various robotics applications that can be found in almost every aspect of human life.

It is easy to write general statements without personal pronouns when you have done enough data driven research. Don't worry about that for now. Get a thesis statement worked out first. As for the formatting, you can refer to online samples for MLA citations within the text. It is actually easy to do once you have the template for the various quoting styles in that writing format.

Citing your sources is not the same as the bibliography. The bibliography is the list of sources you used in the paper, using the standard MLA Works Cited page format. The template for that is also available online. The unbreakable rule is, if you have it listed as a source, there needs to be a paraphrase or in-text citation for that reference in the actual paper.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay on being the youngest sibling [4]

There are actually several prompts that you can choose from which can apply to this essay. You can choose from:

- Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent...
- The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter ...
- Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization ...
- Share an essay on any topic of your choice...

Any of these prompts can work with the presentation you have developed. Unfortunately, I cannot make a decision regarding which prompt you should use. That is a personal choice that I should not take away from you. You are the best person to judge which of the aforementioned prompts best suits the content of your writing. As you can see, I have given you a short list of possible prompt choices. These are the prompts that I believe suit your writing. However, only you can decide which of the prompts can be the best one for you.

If I may suggest though, shorten the focus on your brothers. You discuss so much of them in the essay that they have practically become the center of the discussion. Summarize the reference to them instead. Make it collective. Then focus on how their accomplishments have affected you instead. Only their accomplishments, collectively, in the eyes of your parents and others are important for the presentation, in a single paragraph, they should not occupy more than half the response presentation.

Undergraduate / Both my parents - UBC Draft - What is important to you? [6]

The statement you have written discusses mostly what you admire about your parents. It does not reflect what is most important to you and why. While the title may imply that reference, the actual essay does not. The essay is less about you and more about the background of your parents and their own personalities. How these reflected upon you and why these are important to you are not highlighted properly in the essay. The influence upon you is required in the essay, not their personal backgrounds. For example, you could say that you value your parents because, collectively, they taught you the importance of... As individuals, your father made sure that you understood the value of... while your mother focused on developing your ... character. So together, their influence played a vital role in your life, which is why their presence in your life is important to you.

Writing Feedback / More and more people are going to other countries for significant periods of time for a job or study [2]

You are not supposed to use the prompt as the title for your essay anyway. Try to use a title reflective of the prompt instead. That is another exercise in similar word usage that you can benefit from. Come up with original titles to describe the topic and reason for the prompt discussion. You will find that it is a good way to build your English vocabulary and word usage skills.

In your restatement paragraph, you used a run-on sentence instead of individual sentences that would represent your own explanation of the prompt. Always separate your topic presentations, don't just use comparative reference words such as "however" to differentiate. That does not add to the clarity of your presentation and instead, divides the reader's understanding of the given statement. You do not have to reflect what your first discussion will be at the end. The thesis presentation should, instead, offer the 2 topics for discussion that you will be using in reference to the advantage and disadvantage paragraphs.

The run-on sentence presentation is a serious error in this essay. It happens in every paragraph. This will definitely pull down you GRA score at you do not really have a proper mix of simple and complex sentences. Do not confuse the complex sentence for a run-on. That is the common mistake that more students tend to make in these types of presentations.

There are also problems with punctuation mark usage and word capitalization in some parts of the essay. You should be more careful in the way that you structure your sentences, making sure to use the correct punctuation mark and capitalization as you go along. Always edit and proof-read, never assume that your first version is the correct version. There is always time for the improvement of your presentation for as long as the writing time has not run out.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - "Comparison of Films production then and now..." [4]

The first sentence seems more like a definition that you took out of a dictionary rather than a personal insight into film making. The reviewer may view this as a memorized presentation in an actual test. Bear in mind that you will not have access to additional writing materials at the testing center when you take the test. So always use personal definitions or understanding of a term when describing it.

This discussion does not sound like a personal original piece of writing to me. I have read something highly similar online by another student who will be taking the test. Are you sure you did not plagiarize the work of another student instead? The information contained in this essay represents more of a synonym writing exercise on your part, rather than an originally written piece. Restating the facts from another writer is not a good way to practice writing the task 2 essays.