Writing Feedback / Causes of increasing spectator violence In international games . comment . [3]


You need to improve your introductory para :)


--------------- good point, but not expressed well... break up your sentence into shorter ones that contain one idea at a time. This would help you improve clarity of your sentences and also arrange the flow of ideas :)

First, an unfavorable result of one team may sometimes upset the spectators who support that team. These spectators, who are emotionally driven, may engage in acts of violence due to their frustration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People migrating to cities causing problems? [9]


--------------- usually, IELTS and TOEFL essays expect you to support your reasons with examples. That is generally expressed in the task prompt as well. However, this essay topic is different to agree/disagree type. Therefore, I feel you have tackled this very well. You have provided logical reasons and supported them with examples. See below;




---------- ''consequent'' means the same, but it is generally related with an action or a condition. I feel " as a result'' is more appropriate :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People migrating to cities causing problems? [9]


good opening :)


Say this differently - In my view, In my belief, I believe ....


----- keep it plural; sounds better :)


You write well - good grammar; flow of ideas and of course vocabulary
GOOD LUCK!
: )

Essays / How to start to write an essay? (help and advice needed) [7]

Dear Minh,

You need to have a topic for your essay. First find a comfortable topic. Then introduce that topic to the reader in your first para very briefly. Then you move to your body paras to explain the reasons. Finally write your conclusion in the last para... Best way for you to get a start is reading the essays others have posted to this forum. You find thousands of them under writing feedback category... read them, read the comments.... you can learn a lot about writing essays. Also, to learn writing you need to write. So write essays and post them here :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-children in wealthy and poor families.... [5]


Well.... here you talk about adults who have been children of wealthy parents. That's why the correction ''are ---> have been'' ... Also, the word ''nurturing'' has a more caring and tender effect though it too means bringing up a person. It generally goes well with children, babies, plants etc. When you use the word adult, I guess the "brought up'' sounds better. Also, ''families'' sounds better :)


yes... you need to state your opinion in the introductory para itself. That's a healthy habit to develop for TOEFL and IELTS ;)
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Too much reliance on technology will impede people from becoming successful and independent leaders [7]

Thanks Vivian :)
I always enjoy reading your essays... you write so well and it's pleasure to comment on your threads ... Keep posting :)

Research Papers / Research Question: What are the ways how to reduce unemployment? [7]

* by improving the employability of the labour supply
*by sustaining the economic growth

: )

Writing Feedback / "Do you agree/disagree that teenagers should work part time job?" - TOEFL Writing [4]

Writing Feedback / THE CHILD IS FATHER OF MAN [4]



this is confusing; the part in bold seems an incomplete sentence. Establish the link between the two sentences.

Letters / Your ambition during job interview [6]

--------- wow.... this is a smart answer, but you make me laugh kissingyou0912 :D

Writing Feedback / "The function of university" ielts writing [6]

This prompt is more direct and it asks you what opinion you favor. Here you've got no other choice but to tell what opinion you think more valid. So state it very clearly in the introduction itself. By doing so you would take the reader in your desired direction from the start :) I have seen many people make statements such as I wish to compare and contrast/ I analyse both pros and cons etc. However, such statements sound pretty vague and make the reader feeling bored.

Writing Feedback / LIFE IN A BIG CITY (disadvantages) [6]



---- As Ahmad suggested word think is more appropriate. Also I changed the word society to city because you need to align the essay with the prompt. The prompt is about living in large cities and not in societies.


----------- some and certain both mean more or less the same and one makes the other redundant.

Writing Feedback / Children should be allowed and guided to partake in free time activities [3]

hey... this is too short for your introduction though it sounds good :) Don't be lazy :P


nice :)


this is not a very good sentence... the reader finds it difficult to understand what you try to say. Be more specific;
When they return home from work and find out that kids are engaged in playing or other activities they tend to get annoyed.


------- This is another reason why you say children need free time. So take it the next para.... Give one reason for one para and don't forget to support it with an example. You should provide a specific example for the reason above (busy parents). You score on giving a reason and supporting it with an example; And giving more reasons would not help you with marks :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS：Modern community life [7]



lovely sentence... good point :)


You write very well. Good Luck!

Scholarship / "Contribute my passion in IT for the community" - personal statement for application [3]





the word passion seems getting repeated too often :)


this is a confusing statement and cannot figure out what you are trying to say. Consider re-phrasing this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: PUBLIC TRANSPORT SHOULD BE FREE OF CHARGE [2]



This section has several issues; First, it sounds like you are going out of topic because you suddenly talk about global warming at length. Although you later connect that issue with the public transportation, it happens slowly and reader has to struggle to establish this link. This would not happen if you keep the focus on your main theme, i.e. public transportation, and giving less priority to global warming. For example;

Due to the issue of global warming, one major environmental threat that the world faces today, countries need to encourage people to use public transportation as their main mode of commuting.You should quickly establish the link between global warming and its relationship with public transportation so that the reader feels comfortable in understanding your argument :)

Also this section has many grammar issues;
peoples- it should be people and this word itself is plural and means a collection of men or women


you need to re-write this sentence as it has many grammar issues.

Research Papers / choosing a topic for research in software engineering.... [11]

you can also Google for "research topics in software engineering" :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS2 - 'demanding sports and special diets and physical fitness' [4]

Hi Vassan,

First, I believe it is fine if you can manage 325 words within the time allocation for this task. However, you need to be conscious about time because it has a major bearing on this type of exams :)


Your introduction seems pretty good. You have taken a good entrance to your theme topic and explained it briefly, but impressively. The only weak point is that your opinion is not that well presented. Tell the reader very clearly in which side of the argument you are with;


Here it is not clearly said that you support the idea of leading normal lives is the best way to stay healthy. Leading a normal life means something different to doing exercises ... that idea doesn't come from what you have written. For example, you can say this;

People tend to take the rough path with routine physical exercises, strict nutritious diets and medicines in order to stay fit and healthy. However, they forget the fact that leading a normal life is the best way to have a healthy happy life.


]


Split this sentence to two;
This hard work does pay dividends by giving them a physically fit body. But does staying healthy only mean being physically fit?--------- a very good point and it is well presented :)


You have very good ideas and also you write well.... Keep practicing with time. You can surely go for a good score )

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY2: helping of wealthy countries to poor ones [4]


yes... world sounds better here because it goes well with the topics such as economy, finance, social etc. while the word earth is mostly used with the topics relating to biology, geology, echo system etc.


specify what levels e.g. economic standards



global development

Essays / Guys I'm stuck in my economic essay [8]

Hi certy,
If I am to write this essay, I would include following in the introduction;
1. Background of the two economies
2. The parameters/criteria on which you would discuss their differences

Then discuss the differences under each parameter in each paragraph or chapter and if possible try to provide reasons for these differences

Finally write the conclusion in which you present a summary of their differences.

Undergraduate / 'About Jerry' - common app - Describe a fictional character and its influence. [10]

I love your style of presenting ideas.... very creative and intriguing! However, I notice your essay gets better and better towards its latter parts. I like the ending too.

Try to have the same momentum in this opening para. For me, I feel this is a bit too dragging and not presented with the punch that you display in the latter part of this essay. Also tell us what your teacher told. Clear out the readers doubts on how to link Tom and Jerry with its influence on you. :)

Graduate / 'planning and management' SOP M.Sc Electrical Engineering in a Canadian University [2]

What most of the universities expect from SOP is that student's explaination on extenuating circumstances that could add value to their applications. Of course you should tell them unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you have had that relate to your academic discipline. However, you should not let them feel that your SOP is just a listing or a record of your academic accomplishments or experiences. In other words SOP gives you the opportunity to talk to the admission committee directly to let them know more aobut you as a person. So this is the opportunity for you to provide them with the information that your transcripts or other application information cannot convey.

So, I think you should change the structure of your SOP and talk about your credentials in later parts of it. You can have ideas by reading the SOPs of other forum members here. Present it in a more interesting manner to grab the attention of the admission committee to judge you as an individual.

GOOD LUCK :)

Undergraduate / 'About Jerry' - common app - Describe a fictional character and its influence. [10]


This is impressive, but tell us what your teacher's answer is.


This confuses me a bit.... you mean senators, governors and vcs control 90% of admissions ? or they secure those chances for their children? I feel you need a slight grammar correction there, but need to know what you really mean :)


------ Start your sentences with capital letters when you do posts to this forum, no matter these are your drafts. That helps you have more feedbacks and comments because they look more appealing to read :D

Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay - Why you should exercise [4]


say why it is important. E.g. Exercising is one of the most important things in life for one to lead a healthy life.


the United States

It's important you exercise so that you can live a healthier, longer, and happier live.life.


so the heart doesn't have to work as hard as it does with weak muscles. In today's society people are less concerned with the food they eat and their physical condition that their body is in, so many serious illnesses are becoming quite common. causes both serious physical and mental deseases. .

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay,"Teachers should take courses or training to upgrade" [4]


Good opening statement though it has a few issues :)
everyone needs to get themselves upgraded in all areas and teachers are the most important person people in our life after parents ----------- teacher --> person / teachers ----> people

Also this sentence seems a bit incomplete. My suggestion;

....everyone needs to get themselves upgraded in all areas and teachers being the most important people in our life after parents, they need to keep updating their knowledge in order to deliver their best to the next generation.

When kids first time enter into a school, the teacher is the first outside person with whom he or she they (kids---> they / kid ----> he/she)spent time without parentsinteract so closelyso,and therefore the teacher's role is very important after parents to make the kids career.(sounds repetetive and irrelevant)to influence their academic interest and personal growth that lay the foundation for a successful future.

Letters / Introduction myself to job interview format [9]

My suggestion;

I currently work as a Contractor Admin Clerk at Sabic Company since 2007. Before joining Sabic I worked as a Personnel Assistant for xxxxxxx(tell the designation of the person that you worked for as PA. e.g. Managing Director) at Falak Company for one and half years.(usually you tell them your current position first and then talk about your previous experience) I have proven track records of being a responsible team player with excellent administration skills. I am also very keen and enthusiastic to learn and further develop my skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: London, Tokyo, New York, Madrid, Frankfurt - Average house prices in 5 cities. [2]

from 1996 to 2002 the housing prices had an upward trend except infor Tokyo where it fell by five percent drop


Let's say this differently;
In summary, London shows the highest fluctuation trend in housing prices while Frankfurt has the most stable trends during the period under review.-------------- since this is a graphical representation you can discuss trends in present tense.

.

Scholarship / Pediatric Scholarship-Personal Achievements essay [4]

Hi Danielle,

You have written it nicely and there's no problem with your writing skills. My only worry is whether they (selectors) would take this as a strong personal achievement because it sounds more like one of your personal struggles that you overcame successfully. Just give some thought on this. :)

Graduate / Masters in molecular biology and biotechnology (career goals essay start?) [3]

Hi Donnah,

There are many good SOPs you find in this forum itself. Also you can find very useful comments provided for them. By reading them you can have an idea how to write. Follow what Ahmad has suggested too :)

Think of the process as a critical analysis, as if you were planning a journey. 1. Where are you now? 2. Where do you want to go? 3. Why do you want to go? 4. What tools do you currently pose that will help you successfully get from point A to Point B?

Essays / Learning to write Essay Introductions? (Technological advancements) [3]

great :)


This sounds pretty weak especially when compared with the rest of your introduction. Present it more clearly and with a punch :)
My opinion is that it is the responsibility of the workers to keep themselves updated with new skills and latest technology.

Grammar, Usage / Help with Comma Usage and ING verbs [4]

Hi Amy,

I agree with Ahmad and his explaination. You dont need any commas.

You can google and find many links that help you with usage of commas. I cannot provide you with these external links since that violates this forum rules. Google for "usage of commas" .

Undergraduate / 'Enterprise solutions and computer science' Personal statement Essay for Fulbright [2]

Impressive start. You have a very strong case and you attempt to present it beautifully. Pay attention to the corrections done by Susan. I am too very impressed with your story and love to offer my help :)

This is my suggestion;
One may ask, what is the difference? Well, this difference is that, in camp life, one needs to struggle meeting almost every human need including the basics such as food, shelter, education, health care etc. Life there is indeed far from even average living standards. However, all these challenges, in a way, helped me grow up as a person faster than my age in terms of maturity, responsiblity, reliability, endurance etc. And more than everything, camp life nurtured my determination and perceverance with which I stood up to show the world that even in these extremely difficult conditions, people can still have the capability to pursue their dreams.

Scholarship / 'alleviating the financial burden' - How will this scholarship help you? [3]


You writing style has helped your ideas to flow beautifully up to this point. However, I feel the part "Going to your universtiy" breaks that flow. I prefer if you say it a bit differently;

Majoring in biology in your universtiy will expose me to on-the-job situations I will face during my career as a psychiatrist.


or my opportunities?

Writing Feedback / the age of the competition - IELTS - technologies and the demand for services change [6]

Although employees should entirely havebe responsible for their own occupation and findingdeveloping new skills


this is confusing... what do you mean?

I believe that state funding offor those who need further skills is a genuine investment and that helps enhanceing economy in the future, not only themselves but also for the country.

Writing Feedback / 'applying to several different schools is the better choice' -essay on college choice [2]

You follow the expected structure of TOEFL essays. Your introdutory para is great in which you give a brief introdution to the topic and specifically state in which side of the argument you are with. That is what they expect.

Then in the body paras you need to give reasons (one reason for each body para) and then support them with specific examples. In your first body para, you provide the following reason but do not support with a specific example;


your example;


this sounds pretty general and not very specific. Provide a specific case... for example;
One of my friends applied to colleges of his first choice only and he was rejected by all of them. He got very disappointed and became very helpless. Had he applied for secondary choice schools, he had a greater probability of being accepted by some college.

Second body para is really good and you give specific examples as to why you say students have more options by applying to secondary schools.

Also your conclusion is good.
Overall, you've done a good job. If this is your first essay, you dont have to worry about TOEFL writing task at all. :)

Writing Feedback / 'met hundreds of people' - need help on conclusion and more detail [2]

However, only a special few have had the ability tocould make an impact that will last a lifetimeon my life. Out of this group of individuals there have beenthem, the two people who have been there with me throughout my life in both thick and thin, just like my own shadow,from the beginning andwill be there in the end:are my parents. ----------- you would not know who would live with you until the end of your life... so better avoid saying that

Through thick and thin my parents have always been there for me.It is only because of them that I am the manTheir influence shaped me to be who I am today.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Indoor or outdoor teaching.. to get valuable results [3]


If you take off the part "for everyone" then this sentence reads better. The reason is when you say everyone, it takes a more personal nature and does not support the society which is more or less have a sense of public :)

Education is important to improve the society in general and the person's life in private

The way of teaching considered to be changeableis perceived differentlyfromby one person to another


this needs to be re-phrased;
while others think that teaching at schools is best and cannot be compensated by any other teaching option.


point of view

Writing Feedback / Too much reliance on technology will impede people from becoming successful and independent leaders [7]


---------- you have an interesting way of presenting your ideas. So why not say this with a punch. You can surely improve this sentence.


I suggest;
the more incompetent they become in solving mathematical solutions logically.

This will, doubtless without a doubt, deteriorateweaken the power of wonderful minds of these primary students and make them become slaves of devicesthat ultimately hinder them from becomingtheir opportunities to be successful and independent leaders in the future.


strong sentence :)


to gather and analyse / for gathering and analyzing

You write so well... Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / 'The goal isn't to live forever' - Toefl Essay [2]

well.... for TOEFL they expect at least 250 words for the independent writing task.

Best way is to read a few toefl essays in these forum threads. Then you get an idea.:)

Writing Feedback / Teenagers should work without a salary to help the local community? [4]


---- my suggestion;
for keeping their young children occupied during their free time

while providing them with up most ofvaluable gains and experiences

first of all being in society and working with adults teaches lots of social living skills ------------------------ being in society + working with adults - two actions and hence "teach''