Undergraduate / 'every time I put on my Hilltopper blue jersey' - Short Essay on Activity [2]

A few things:

Before calling my name to receive a certificate,my coach's words were, "She is an important part of this team and has come a long way since freshman year."

It was a risk trying out for the team but one of the best decisions I have ever made.
One of the best decisions I have ever made was trying out for the team, although I risked being rejected.

My muscles were not used to moving these different directions and Ifelt very sore the next morning.

While I was just beginning my freshman year, other girls were playing for their third or fourth year. You could remove this sentence.

I would definitely emphasize the purpose of your story, even if you have to shorten the way you described it. The main thing that the college wants to hear is that your story pertains to your goals. Expand on your short term and long term goals (the story will back up your passion and motivation, so you don't need to re-state that if you need to shorten) Nice work!

Undergraduate / That burst of red gushing fluid shooting out; Tomatoes- UW Essay Prompt 2 [2]

Haha you are quite dramatic about those awful tomatoes!

Just like how donkeys are so stubborn-- I would say: I was as stubborn as a donkey

When faced with a self-imposed barrier of eating tomatoes, my adoration of another was the propelling force toward successfully overcoming my dislike of tomatoes. I feel like it is missing something... I wonder how you felt about tomatoes after that? Did you end up liking them after all? Or were they not as horrible as you had expected? So what is the purpose of your story, what is the lesson learned? Is the moral of the story that sometimes you must do things that are out of your comfort zone in order to please others? That is what it sounds like to me, by the way you wrote the conclusion. Or the moral is that you need to try new things in life? I would clear this up, and definitely clearly state the meaning of the story. You have a unique writing style, excellent topic (btw- I hate tomatoes!) GOOD LUCK IN SCHOOL!

Writing Feedback / 'How I viewed Islamic missionaries' - personal essay [2]

Upon constant insistence.I set out on a religious journey of 10 days with a team of 12 members. Our team was sent to a far flung area of Pakistan.

As we reached our destination, we used a mosque, located at the centre of the town, as our base. The condition of mosque was pitiful. The walls were made of mud-brick, prayer hall was uncovered and floor was uneven on which we were supposed to sleep. There was no electricity which meant that the team spent hours without fans in hot weather. Also, as there was no gas supply, we had to buy gas cylinders to cook food.

I will try to edit this part for you, I hope this helps!

My friend continued to influence me to open my mind. I set out on a religious journey of 10 days with a team of 12 members. Our team was sent to a remote area of Pakistan.

When we reached our destination, we used a mosque, located at the center of the town, as our base. The living conditions of the mosque was pitiful. The walls were made of mud-brick, the prayer hall was uncovered and the floor was uneven on which we were supposed to sleep. There was no electricity, which meant that the team spent hours without fans in hot weather. Also, as there was no gas supply, we had to buy gas cylinders to cook food.

During our first day of stay, everyone was told his role. I was selected as the preacher for the last 5 days. I was hesitant to accept the post not because I feared confronting people but because i, myself, was not convinced of the stance that i was supposed to preach others: the role of religious teams was to encourage people to enjoin good. However, as I could not run away with the task assigned, I spent more and more time with the members to learn about their stance. Ultimately, I did a pretty handsome job at encouraging people-whom I preached- to practice tolerance and good.

On our first day, everyone was told his role. I was selected as the preacher for the last 5 days. I was hesitant to accept the position. I did not fear leading people,however I was not confident of the dogma that i was supposed to preach to others: the role of religious teams was to encourage people to do good. However, as I could not run away with the task assigned, I spent more and more time with the members to learn about their stance. Ultimately, I did a pretty handsome job at encouraging people-whom I preached- to practice tolerance and good.

Undergraduate / I learned the meaning of the word "endurance" - Obstacle or "Bump" (UCF Essay) [3]

I would just mention how your hardships have motivated you to certain goals (the college really likes to hear that you have long term and short term goals) Try to be a bit more specific of these goals. Otherwise, your paper is very well written, you sound intelligent, and your personality shows. I think the topic you chose is a good one, because it is something the reader can understand and relate to, as well as feel empathy. I wish you luck in school!

Undergraduate / "Ubuntu, the spirit of Africa" - UC Prompt #2 [4]

Wow! Your essay is so good! This one of the best papers I have read in a long time. Excellent topic, story, your words flow nicely. I would work on your conclusion. Be sure to make this evident in your writing: that the story ties in to your "life plans". The college wants to know that you have long-term and short-term goals. You sound highly intelligent for your age, and I wish you luck in school!

Undergraduate / I want to pursue a degree in computer science as my primary major. [2]

A few things:

My 19 years on earth has been marked by my deep interest in electronics.
This sounds a little corny. How about- "Since my childhood, ... electronics."

As I matured, however, and moved from Ghana to Italy and Italy to the United States, my interests have shifted from simply fixing broken electronics to creating and even perfecting them.

You say a lot in one sentence here. You could simplify it by turning into 2-3 sentences: 1) your family moved, 2) your interests

My family's arrival in the states was repelled by economic hardships so when my father saved enough to buy a computer amidst the challenges, he expected none of my brothers and I to fiddle with it, yet I took the initiative to take it all apart and put it back together again.

This sentence is way too long.

The experience that day sparked an interest in me that have never subsided, I want to take a step further in my undergraduate studies and understand how these tangible components all act together as the backbone for brilliant creations such as the windows and the internet.

You have great content here, again the sentence is too long. Try to simplify your sentences but keep the details. You are doing well, a few grammar issues, but otherwise a great paper so far. Continue to edit a little more. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'find an interest in anything that makes you happy' - UC 1 [2]

Through all of high school and my first year at my community college the main goal I was trying to achieve was to find a profession that made me happy no matter the amount of the salary. You could simplify this statement:

During high school and my first year at my community college, my main goal was trying to find a profession that would make me happy, regardless of the salary.

My interest in my intended major first developed when I started taking some business classes to see how I would like them.
You could say this:

I became interested in my intended major when I took some business classes to see how I would like them.

Being on a team and pitching ideas to people really appealed to me.

My days would drag on as I ran the cash register and cleaned up after people all by myself.

At times, being the only one working there was something I looked forward to. At times, I looked forward to working there alone.

My favorite part of the job soon became going out onto the streets to advertise and bring customers inside the shop. Advertisement was not common amongst the other co-workers.

You have a great paper here! Continue to work on your grammar, I really like your story! Good luck in school.

Undergraduate / 'B.A. degree program in engineering' - USC Short answer [3]

I am now 17 years old, and though the simple meal that I ate at 7 years old is now replaced with my own complex masterpieces, I continue to appreciate my nanny and how she made me realize my strong curiosity for engineering.

This sentence is really long, you may want to make 2 sentences out of this.

You do state that you have an interest in a particular major, engineering. However, the college wants to hear that you are a "person with a plan" so make your goals a bit more solid. In your paper, be sure to state your short term and long term goals, and how your school will be a stepping stone in your journey. Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Whenever I heard music playing' - UC prompt #2 [2]

You have an excellent story! This paper is well-written, and the words flow nicely. I cannot find any obvious grammatical errors. I would suggest this: "tie in" your story with the short-term and long-term goals of your life. You don't need to write a lot about that, but the college wants to know that you have a plan for life (and your discipline with the piano is a great quality!)

Writing Feedback / About a Successful College Student [2]

You have a writing style that flows well. You have made many good points in your paper. I can help you fix a few grammar issues that will hopefully get you an "A" :)

These unsuccessful studentsseldom come to class, and are rarely prepared for class conversation when they attend.

They find it difficult to fulfill their purpose because they are unaware of steps to help. This sentence sounds confusing

Students should appear to have a certain degree of motivation inside and outside of the classroom.

Students can motivate themselves intrinsically or extrinsicly .

They can perform volunteer work to help the community. They can spend lots of time studying to prepare for future assignments.

Students motivation comes active when they decide, they want better for themselves. This is a key point- I would re-word this sentence

You may want to add in a brief description of the unmotivated student- we all know them! They come to class late or sporadically, don't have a notebook, they want to borrow somebody's notes, they fidget and act bored, and don't communicate with classmates during projects.

Essays / Need an interesting argumentative research paper topic (with lots research materials) [7]

This is just any type of research paper? It does not pertain to a particular subject? Why not write about something that you are passionate about, something that you can personally relate to? I used to enjoy writing papers about astronomy, anthropology, gender studies, environmental studies, nature, etc. Definitely find a "sub-category" that is interesting to the reader too. I wish you luck in school! I hope I was of a little help... be sure to post your essay on this forum for editing- we are here for you :)

Writing Feedback / 'job-hunting' - University should offer students more preparation for the future [5]

A few things:

to cushion the blow in job-hunting. I think this phrase is distracting, you may want to change "cushion the blow"

Thus, the dean, parents, and college students start to concerns that whether preparation in university is going to be greatly supported and popularized. This sentence does not make sense- you are trying to say-- the college, students, and parents are concerned with job preparation...

Some would say the effort and process in applying for a position will be significantly saved , as a result, the saved time and energy can be invested into other practical projects to boost efficiency.

Conceding that preparation offered by college will certainly minimize both risks and frustration to the modest level for applicants, and give the majority of graduates courage and confidence to face, handle and accustomed to the competitive outside world. This sentence is a little too long, and sounds confusing. Try to simplify.

For another, inviting successful celebrities to give speech to motivate and inspire students would be helpful to emotionally prepare them for apprenticeship .

You have many good points! You have great content and good writing skill. I would work on your grammar and simplify (some sentences are too "wordy") Good Luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Coming to the United States with nothing' - THE WORLD YOU COME FROM [3]

A few things you may want to change:

I wonder why your family decided to relocate to America?

Coming to the United States with nothing more than a suitcase of clothing, a Spanish to English thesaurus and a hundred dollar bill, my family and I arrived in the United States with very little commodities.

However the language barrier between most children and I, kept us separated. You could say: However, I felt separated from most of the other children, due to the language barrier.

One point you are trying to make: the best way to break the language/culture wall is through immersion, that is the key to learning!

Be sure to represent yourself as a person with a plan, explain your short term and long term goals.

Undergraduate / 'sacrifices my dad made' - UC Prompt #1 [2]

A few things:

exposed to the harsh realities of unemployment, teen pregnancy, and poverty. Expand on this: what makes your town different than other impoverished, "bad" neighborhoods? Every city has issues like teen pregnancy and such, but what makes your town unique?

However, my father is my daily reminder of the possibilities I can have to if I don't succumb to the status quo and make a better life for myself. This is your major point! Nice job with this statement, this is the focus of your paper. (remove "to" from this sentence)

You are doing fine with your paper so far. One thing you should do: emphasize your core values, your dad inspired you, but in the end it is YOU who must be presented as a person the college wants to accept. Be sure to represent yourself as a man with a plan. Connect how your education will help you reach your goals and achievement. Make this evident: you have long-term and short-term goals and college is the stepping stone to them.

Undergraduate / 'self-improvement and helping others' - What is your something?- Morgan [3]

Of course like any other occupation and hobby, helping other people isn't hard to do. Lots of occupations and hobbies ARE hard to do, and so is helping people. I think that what you mean to say is that helping is not hard work for certain people, that it comes naturally to some. "of course" sounds a little strange as your opening words.

I want to show them what they are capable of achieving in their everyday lives. Yes! This is your main point, expand on this, it is an important statement.

Even though, I am young and finding out new things about myself, I presume my something I am meant to do in this world, is assist people with their life issues and decisions. This sentence is too long.

Ever since my experience during my junior year in A.P English Literature, I seem to view the world in a different way then I did before. Instead of "ever since" You could say "What I experienced during my junior year in A.P English Literature changed my view of the world.

You say "none sense" when you mean nonsense

However, the first step in achieving this, is coming to a college like Morgan State University that commensurate with my yearn to learn and help people. Use a different word than "yearn"

Remember to make the reader aware that you are a person with a plan, that you have long-term and short-term goals, and the college is exactly what will help you achieve those goals. You have a good essay here, it still need a little work with grammar but your content is excellent.

Undergraduate / UC - embracing a world beyond the classroom [3]

A few things:

I coped by writing with my gut-- To say you coped, you must refer to stress or something hard... maybe use a different word than coped.

If everyone were happy, then why would I need to? This statement is confusing. Add the word change at the end.

She made us analyze the analysis and taught us to connect the whole picture. Don't use analyze and analysis together in a sentence, it sounds redundant.

I didn't just learn how to write essays about books, but rather, I learned to express myself in a concise way that also produced a meaningful message that my audience could take away from. Re-word this sentence. Don't end it in "from"

It was painful and disorientating, but this shedding of innocence was not just about facing the hypocrisy and evils but also about obtaining the ability to hope when all odds are against you, whether you are in a classroom or battlefield. I understand what you are saying, and you are trying to connect your writing struggles to the stories you read. However, you sound a little over-dramatic.

You have a great writing style and an interesting story, continue to work on your grammar. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Moving to Jamaica --- Common application essay [3]

It can be challenging to write an auto biography because you have to give details about what happened in your life, but also you explain how you felt along the way. You do this well. There are a few places where this can be fixed up a little.

This gave me the first spark of hope that life wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be as cheerleading reminded me of life in New York. This sentence is a run-on, it needs to be re-worded.

After realizing how much better life at school could be if I got involved in school activities I joined Key Club, Modern languages club and UNESCO.

Instead you could say: "I realized that school life could be so much better if I got involved in activities, so I joined..."

As I became happier the relationship I had with my grandparents improved tremendously as I was no longer just living there, I was becoming a part of the family. You say "as I" twice in this sentence. You should say the same thing, but in a different way.

After I began to have empathy towards other students

I hope that in the future I will be able to achieve my goal of being a world renowned psychologist. This statement pops up with no introduction, you should add a little info about what made you interested/ inspired in psychology.

You are a very good writer, you story is enjoyable to read, and it is obvious you will be very successful. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Hard work and a fluent Spanish speaker' - a personal quality, talent [2]

In school I would balance my time between class , work, and basketball/track practice but I would always get my schoolwork done.

Usually as the baby in the family not everything was handed to me but I was given what was needed and I would take advantage of all my opportunities. You could say: I was the baby of the family, and not everything was handed to me, although my basic needs were met, but I always took advantage of any opportunity. However, you probably want to split this into 2 sentences or shorten it somehow.

It got easier as my skills developed and I took advantage to continue getting better because I knew being a great athlete wasn't all that I needed to succeed so I figured I can use my talent to get into a good college. I love what you are saying here but try to be more clear, it sounds like you are rambling a bit.

Hard work spilled over into my school work and has made me a better more well rounded person . This is key. It is almost the most important thing you can say, so try to expand on this idea a bit. Try not to sound cliche' and be sure to lay out your short-term and long term goals.

Undergraduate / 'I loved looking at photographs' - FIT Essay [4]

I took eventually took my camera on our yearly family trips to Madrid and thinking that my pictures would turn out like Adam's and Stieglitz's, that didn't exactly happen. Re-word this sentence: Eventually, I took my camera on family trips to Madrid, expecting my photos to turn out like Adam's and Stieglitz's, but that didn't exactly happen.

I realized that I had to actually study and practice, a lot, the ins and outs of photography. Remove "a lot"

At this point I hadn't thought of photography as a career yet, it was only a hobby, but when my dad bought film transitioned from film to digital that's when I became more serious about photography. Re-structure this sentence, but keep the same content.

I confiscated the camera and started going around my city photographing the beaches and the Art Deco style buildings of Miami,... This is a very long sentence, I would split it into 2 shorter sentences.

After I graduated from high school I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with photography so I attended a community college and majored in Fashion Merchandising and at the same time I continued photographing and learning about the process. This sounds like you are rambling, simplify and shorten this into 2 sentences, perhaps.

Fashion Merchandising turned out to be very and I hated working in retail stores, I longed to do something more creative and fun, something that I unfulfilling would enjoy doing for the rest of my life. This sentence is unclear.

You are saying all of the right things, you just need to work on your grammar a bit. Remember to advertise yourself to the college as a person with a plan... that you have short-term and long term goals. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "My Semi-Redneck Life"-Common App Diversity Essay [4]

Well, you have painted a good picture of the town you came from! Nice writing. You have no grammar problems. Expand on this thought: I alienated myself from these "second-class citizens", and became somewhat outcast. Even though this was my home, I never truly felt at home. I wonder, if that is how you were raised, how did you know these people around you were lower class? What exactly was it that made you think that? The media? Or perhaps you had some richer, classier relatives or friends. In your paper be sure to state that you are a person with a plan for life, because this is the whole reason for the story you wrote.

Book Reports / The Role of Women in The Odyssey [2]

In the Odyssey, a myriad of examples

A prime example of the importance of the roles of women in the Odyssey is their roles as seductresses. Another way you could say this: The role of a seductress is a prime example of how important women's roles are in the Odyssey. I really like the way you wrote this paragraph, you have a few really good points.

I prefer to believe that Homer, once again, was trying to show the manipulative nature of women as Penelope exhibits many of the great attributes that Odysseus, a man, possesses. Are you sure? Penelope did what she had to do, showing her to be strong and stubborn- I see her as the female equivalent of her lost husband... But the Odyssey can be interpreted in a few different ways, so it is good that you show your own interpretation.

You show great writing ability and critical thinking skills, your grammar is fantastic. I hope this helps, good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'my education, community, and beliefs' - Description of the world I've come from [3]

Nice writing! I love the introduction and the topic. A few things that you could do:

Instead of saying the word picture twice, These photos are perfect examples of the saying 'a picture's worth a thousand words.'

They tell stories: it may be the story of when one got lost in the mall, or how a mannequin fell on top of one and cracked her head open (These may be from personal experience).

LOL I know what you are saying, but you may want to re-word this sentence.

reminiscing on moments that I had forgotten about reminiscing about forgotten moments

My childhood consisted of many important factors such as my education, community, and beliefs. I would say this differently. remove the word "factors"

My world is fairly typical now; I'm a high school girl living in a small town with a big dream. But I can guarantee that if I am accepted into this college, I will take my typical world and turn it into something extraordinary.

You have the right idea here, you are over-generalizing however. The university wants to know that you are a person with a plan, be sure to emphasize this. Your essay needs to show the reader that you have short-term and long term goals. You write well. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "The abortion: My decisions and adulthood, " -UC Prompt#2 [5]

They said that I am an adult when I take responsibility; otherwise I am still a child, regardless of my age.
This sentence is a little confusing... maybe say this: My parents defined an adult as a responsible person, and an irresponsible person will always remain a child, regardless of his age.

I like the statement "We had an abortion" because it shows that you and your partner made the decision together, and that means a lot. You stood by your woman and supported her emotionally (i assume) You could expand on how this made you feel, and how you became stronger by making this hard decision. (I see that you did this in your last paragraph, actually)

You are correct in your 2nd paragraph, sometimes you just have to jump into the pool instead of putting in one toe instead.
All you need to do now is add these things to your paper:
1)follow through with the beginning of the essay, add a line about your parents ( I am curious, did they know about the abortion?)
2)Remember to stress this: hardship has generated strength in you, and that has inspired you to make goals for yourself. Make sure it is evident that you have short-term and long-term goals-- that you are "a man with a plan"

You have a great story, Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Students and alumni I talked to in person' - Colorado College [5]

A few suggestions:

My parents saw the trip as a chance to teach me that hard work in high school paid off in the form of my choice of college. Was the purpose of this trip to teach you, or to encourage and inspire you? This sentence is a bit confusing, i know what you mean, but there must be other things that taught you that hard work pays off.

Nice job laying out your reasons for wanting to attend the college.

I do remember the enthusiasm and excitement that flowed out the alumni. maybe say... "emanated from the alumnus." (alumni is the plural form, btw)

That type of devotion is special, very few things in the world can inspire that intense of a reaction in someone.
This sound a little weird, this sentence could be said in a different way.

The enthusiasm that the ex-professor displayed for his alma mater was my first clue that Colorado College was something special.
I thought your first clue was that trip you took, maybe re-word this sentence.

You are doing great with your writing, flow, story, everything. it just needs a few tweaks here and there. Nice work!

Undergraduate / 'Nowhere without hard work' - Describing the world I come from -UC Prompt #1 [3]

I love my mother but I do not want to live a life like the one that her decisions have led her to live.
Re-word this sentence, perhaps. Expand on this thought

There have been times when I just do not have the willpower to go on. But then I catch myself and I put myself back in my place. Taking the first steps to gain a higher education is frightening.

You make a great point, however, think of how the reader will perceive your character. You are trying to say "through weakness, strength may arise" something along those lines.

Remember to show the college that you are a person with a plan, that you have short-term and long term goals. These are factors that make your essay stand out among the many papers. Try to avoid sounding cliche' as you can imagine, many applicants are writing almost the same thing as you. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'to spend most of my time in WIUT library Coursework ACTION PLAN-Personal development [4]

I will assume this is for a college app or scholarship, but it may be for yourself too. I actually searched on your topic, and found a couple of great websites with laid-out guidelines, that show all of the steps to write this. Basically, the university/school wants to know that you are a "person with a plan"- this is a key point to make in your paper. Explain your short-term and long-term goals, and what are your reasons for these goals. I wish you luck.

Writing Feedback / The right to water and its global implications-- very rough draft-- lacks conclusion [2]

A few suggestions:

Withholding water from any human is comparable to murder. This sounds odd, being the reader, I wonder how long it would take for a person to die from lack of water. If a caretaker of a person is responsible for supplying water, and does not, it is neglect, if the person dies, then yes this is voluntary manslaughter.

political representatives put money over working toward a global right to water This statement is a bit vague, I don't understand what you are saying here.

Although advocates of water management arranged directly by the people may be opposed to this plan, it actually coincides with Through this global plan, the politics and economics of water will be regulated, and most importantly, humans will enjoy the unwavering right to water. This sentence is too long.

You have excellent writing ability, and you make intelligent and have applied critical thinking very well. Good job with your paper!

Writing Feedback / a severe weather experience first paragraph [2]

"Wake up,wake up" my mom screamed loudly. "Im tired, " I mumbled.

I jumped out of bed really excited. I was really excited and I jumped out of bed.

Try to use more descriptive, eye-catching words.

suddenly i slipt down and felt the impact in my back. I suddenly slipped and fell down onto my back.

With my palms, I wiped away the water drops that had fallen into me eyes. I saw the snow coming down really fast and rotating in the sky through the window that was located in the side. Through the window above me, I saw the snow coming down and rotating in the sky.

I came out of the bathtub, dried my self quickly , and went to my drawer to take out bangay to apply it in my back.

You are off to a great start, keep describing your experience. Try to paint a picture with your words.

Undergraduate / 'we are blinded from the future' - UC Personal Statement [3]

A few grammar suggestions:

Growing up we are blinded from the future, no indication of what will become, and a lot of the time what our world will become. Maybe choose a different statement to lead-in to your paper. Or you could say: "As children, we are unaware of the future, with no indication of what will become, and we have all the time in the world."

We have to put trust in our faith This doesn't make sense. "We have to have faith in life..."

Through all our hardship, never have I been encouraged to not grow. "Through all of our hardship, I have always been encouraged to grow."

This made me want better for my life, drove me to work harder in school and probably stress more than I should of. Re-word this sentence.

It is bad grammar to end a sentence in words like of, out, up, through, etc. My family and my friends are the people that I find peace in.

I find peace in my family and friends.

You have a wonderful story, and make many good points, you just need to work on your grammar. Nice work!

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: Intended Major Is Anthropology [3]

Your essay is well written and interesting!

Things you could shorten or simplify:

Nine years ago when I visited to Japan for the first time The first time I visited Japan was nine years ago I experienced major culture shock.

involving myself into this experience taught me Shorten to: this experience taught me...

and realized how important it is to offend neither. I know what you are saying, but I would word it differently.

My participation in this club challenged me to come out of my comfort zone, and I learned to collaborate with other students with very different ethnic backgrounds

Conclusion: It sounds good, be sure to explain that you are a person with a plan, that you have short term and long term goals. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'I volunteered at nursing homes' - personal essay for UW-Milwaukee [2]

This sound great so far! A few suggestions:

the feeling of making someone's day easier can not be put into words. Expand on this thought- add a couple of sentences to this paragraph.

During the summer of the end of my sophomore year, I volunteered at nursing homes to help the elderly whenever they went on field trips to the zoo or to the wildlife sanctuary. I would stop the sentence at "elderly" then continue with a slightly more detailed sentence.

Also:
summer of the end of my sophomore year, the summer following my sophomore year

Therefore, I volunteered for the Greater Green I began to volunteer for...

Knowing Spanish is almost essential in today's working world, and is best learned through communication with native speakers. What a wonderful job that must be! Excellent writing, you show that your are driven. Explain what you WANT, that you are a person with a general plan for life, whom also has short term goals. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'size popcorn' - working at the theater (work experience) [2]

You have a good start to your essay. It does not need too much grammar changes. I noticed that you write in a very simple and straightforword way, which makes your paper easy to read. Your job in a movie theater is an example of how every individual in a work/school/home environment is important, in order for things to run smoothly. Remember to add into your paper the fact that you are a person with drive and motivation (not necessarily in these words) Make yourself stand out by telling the reader about your plan- short term and long term goals. Relate these to your story. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "Imitation, then, is one instinct of our nature." ; Egypt Grants to Artists [3]

A few grammar suggestions...

Art, as an expression of creativity , is something humans must do by their very nature, since the dawn of human history. Mankind tried to express his existence by making art; it's obvious through those primitive paintings on cave walls.

For many years Egypt has been the cradle of culture and art.A walk through ancient pharaohs' colonnades would demonstrate that most Egyptians were artists while the others were admirers .

And I myself was no exception; I started painting since early years, during my primary education I won many juniors' competitions,
I would re-word this sentence, it sounds a little confusing. The sentences that follow in this paragraph are too long. Great content!

myinterest of ancient architecture, proportions and scale has helped me obtain high grades throughout my academic studies.

Nice essay, you have a good story! Be sure to let your essay portray yourself as a person with a plan (even if it is brief) You have explained your short-term and long term-goals very well.

Undergraduate / 'Each country should be held accountable for others' - Adelphi essay [2]

In my country The reader does not know what country you are from.

In order for poverty to be solved State that there are many different approaches to ending poverty, maybe give a few examples. Then go on to explain exactly what YOUR plan would be if you could reduce poverty. It is a nice idea that everybody share their money with the poor, but unfortunately there are individuals who are very much opposed to this.

The government should establish a department whose sole purpose is to assist with poverty in the country. We call this assistance "welfare" in America.

The government should also establish a law limiting the amount of children an individual can have based on their ability to sufficiently support these children as this too will greatly affect the level of poverty worldwide. Doesn't China have a policy like this? I am not sure if this sounds like a solution.

The government should also set aside a minimum of 4% of total tax collected to assist those people experiencing poverty based on level of poverty being experienced by an individual and to develop emergency housing for persons experiencing extreme poverty. This sentence is confusing. You are being vague here, expand on your 4% idea.

Every nation should take responsibility for other countries as the welfare of one affects all the[i] others.[/i]
This is very idealistic, keep focusing on real, creative solutions.

This essay still needs work, you are off to a good start! Remember that your paper is a reflection of yourself.

Undergraduate / brief 3-5 P essay-hoping to gain from experience at CBU?(academic, social, spiritual) [2]

You have the right idea, and you are on the right track. One thing I really like is how you emphasize the importance of god- however I would talk about your goals/career in the first paragraph, then go on to talk about what God means to you. Explain that an atmosphere of good faith and morals is where you feel like you belong.

moving away will force me to quickly take responsibility moving away will give me the opportunity to take responsibility

Keep talking about your short term and long term goals in life. Expand on how helping others is rewarding and makes you feel a sense of purpose in life. The university wants to know that you are a "person with a plan" Nice writing so far!

Undergraduate / 'to explore the fantastic world' - my PS, any suggestions? [3]

Some suggestions for your first paragraph:

On a hot and restless afternoon, hundreds of cars are running on a street. A "Cadillac" is just behind our "Blue bird". Suddenly, the Cadillac rushes into the right-hand bend line and moves in front of us. We keep the constant speed in the original straight lane . A beam of sunlight is reflected into our eyes from the Cadillac's mirror . However, Cadillac's "success" is just temporary. When we get closer to the crossroad, the Cadillac fails to get back in the straight lane since there is no space for it to merge . We can easily continue on our way, while Cadillac is forced to go into the wrong way.

A rush decision It was a rushed decision

turned out slowing down my whole process ...slowed down my progress

People all know it, however, people always tend to choose the cut way in the exact situation. So did me. The lesson I learned is that many people take a shortcut to save time, but in the end it can lead to delay.

My motivation got enlarged My motivation grew

You have a great story, continue to work on your grammar. Good luck in school!

Graduate / 'knowledge will not acquire you' - SOP, Computer Science [3]

I believe that a graduate study at "ABC" in Computer Science with world renowned professors and impressive facilities will definitely help me gain more knowledge and also help me reach greater heights in my professional career.

You are saying the right thing, but this sentence is quite long, maybe split into 2?

have an attitude to never give up. re-word this

I have been fascinated with computers

Apart from my "DOS commands for the day" sessions with my father, I alsolearned about the improvements and developments that were happening in the field of computers from various sources such as journals, books and so forth.

Again, say these thing in 2 shorter sentences, it will be easier to read.

where I learnt about the hardware aspects of a computer, about the peripherals, history of processors and how instructions are processed by the processor.
Start with a new sentence here: There, I developed knowledge about peripherals... etc

You are doing a great job with content, you could continue working on the grammar. Good luck!

Scholarship / 'Science, the nature and its essence' - cancer studies research interests [3]

At the end you could tie in your love of exercise. If you add that you are very enthusiastic about your own health and longevity. Also, the healthier you are, the less risk of cancer, which relates to your studies. Excellent job in pointing out that you have strong convictions when choosing a career- and that you are driven by morals more than money. Remember, the reader (college, etc.) wants to know that you are a "person with a plan" Emphasize your short-term and long-term goals ( you have begun to do this well in this paper) I like that your personality shows through your essay. nice writing!

Essays / Portrayal of mental health and illness in the media or popular culture (how to start) [2]

Some people have very little access to proper healthcare/ medication. I think the media is subliminally creating negativity within television, movies (mental illness is sensationalized- causes misconceptions) commercials for meds-- ever watch a channel for an hour and see 6+ commercials for the SAME depression med for example? Are the pharm companies working with the government to keep us on drugs and sedated- yes, meanwhile keeping us in a constant state of fear (see "The Obama deception") raising anxiety levels. The economy is in a depression as well. Not sure if the main point is the mentally ill being dangerous- but stigmatized is correct. You may never know that the person next to you has struggled silently for years without reaching out for help, for fear that they are judged upon. Many people (especially men) are afraid to admit they have a mental problem, for fear of looking weak. In the body section, you are correct- the government wants americans to be in constant fear, they produce violence and anger with media. The point is- in a nutshell- if we were not afraid, and people were pacifists (think hippies 1960's style)we would revolt against the war and be more aware of the violence perpetuated by the media.

Writing Feedback / Measures to promote understanding towards volunteerism [2]

Nowadays, volunteerism can be found everywhere. Re- word this sentence Maybe: Volunteerism is a growing trend in many communities.

For that reason, measures have to be taken to promote an understanding about volunteerism. What measures? Be more specific. Focus a little more on how being a volunteer can be very rewarding to an individual.

As the citizens grow understanding towards the importance of volunteerism, they will develop good citizenship, which in turn will benefit the society as a whole.

As people understand the importance of volunteering in their community...

A lot of people see volunteerism as time wasting.[i] wasting time.

[i]Other than the government, Remove this from the beginning of that sentence

Try to avoid repeating the same words over and over, use more specific examples, and somehow tie yourself into the essay. Show that you stand up for your beliefs.

Continue checking your grammar. Great ideas, keep them coming to improve on this paper!