Undergraduate / Why Tufts essay about me having many interests [2]

Well, the reference to being a 5 year old inventor and a second grade math lover are a bit of a stretch for the reviewer. You may want to rephrase that section. The intention you have in using those 2 reference points are clear, it is the age reference that is the problem. When writing these statement responses, it is always better to avoid referencing any age. Keep it vague so that the reviewer will consider the information based on data alone rather than age reference points. The rest of the presentation is good.

Is it ED good? Maybe. It will all depend upon how well your supporting documentation and other written interview responses (essays) that you create. Best of luck with your application. I can tell that you really want to attend TUFTS based on this presentation.

Letters / Motivation Letter for PhD in Immunology [3]

When you are writing a PhD motivation statement, you must consider the current research you have in relation to the research team that you want to join. The motivation must be based upon a continued exchange of information on both your parts that will help each research paper develop a better presentation or acquire previously unknown information. What you wrote is a background essay, not a motivation letter. The motivation for joining this team must come from what the research can offer you and vice versa. How does your research motivate you to join this team? What is it about your research that should motivate the other team to accept your current research for addition to their own?

I want you to pay particular attention to the paragraph that says


That is your motivational connection. How does your current research connect to this? How will you have a symbiotic relationship in terms of research that can motivate more useful information on both sides?

Letters / Motivation statement for Erasmus Mundus Master's in International Humanitarian Action [2]

The first thing you have to lose is the quotation at the very start. That is a waste of character space. Never use a quotation in any application essay. The reviewer is not interested in the words of other people, no matter how well it describes your motivation. He is only interested in your words, thoughts, and motivation description. The reason for applying refers to 2 good motivations to apply for the EM scholarship Focus on expanding the explanation in relation to those 2 motivations only. Of course these have to be based on your professional exposure in the field.

Delete the reasons why you did not pursue the full-time work, it makes you sound materialistic rather than a civic minded individual. The rest of the essay information is totally irrelevant. You need to delete the rest of the information and just focus on the 2 topics that I suggested above so that you can create a proper motivation letter below 3000 characters.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Some believe that lot of scientific research is a waste of time and money [3]

This is a 4 paragraph, not 5 paragraph essay. There is no instruction for a comparison of 2 points of view plus a personal opinion. Therefore, your format is incorrect. This is a single opinion essay that uses 2 supporting reasons in the reasoning paragraphs. Your paraphrase section still uses the word time, which came from the original. You should revise time to indicate effort or hours. Use any similar reference word to add to the LR score. In the response, you gave a good extent response, but should have indicated the 2 reasons for your opinion instead of simply saying you will elaborate further. The topic sentences in the paraphrase section will help give a clearer idea of your opinion and why, thus increasing your TA score.

You are confusing a scientist with an inventor. A scientist may be an inventor, but an inventor is not always a scientist. So your reference point for discussion in the first reasoning paragraph is incorrect. It is also confusing since you made a mistake in using reference terms in that section. You are also creating a conflict of opinion in your presentation because you are saying one thing as your opinion, but then defending the other side as well. You cannot do that in a single opinion presentation. You must defend only the opinion you believe in otherwise, the essay delivers an unclear and divided opinion to the reader that does not support your thesis statement in the paraphrase.

The conflicting aspect came from you saying that


But then you also indicated ;


Which one is it? Which side do you really support? The essay thus becomes unclear and will result in a confusing opinion presentation and appropriate score for the discussion error.

Research Papers / Three areas of weakness in my paper - American Policing and Racism: Then and Now [2]

One area of weakness in this presentation would be the lack of sub-sections in the presentation. Since you are discussing several separate topics, each of which has a specific discussion focus / concentration, you need to use the sub-topics to better lead the reader into the varying discussion points. I would say use the George Floyd and Breonna Taylor story as the introduction of the catalyst. Since this is a research paper more than an opinion paper, it would be better to not reference yourself in the presentation. You can choose a stand-in for yourself so that you can still refer to the Mexican American experience in terms of policing and racism.

The second weakness is in the reference to the laws. While we know that the laws were not completely effective in eliminating discrimination and improving police services for minorities, you should at least reference a small percentage of positivity or improvement made based on these laws. After all, the laws as in place to help improve things. Surely there are times when the laws did work. Those instances, no matter how small need to be referenced so that your presentation will have a balanced representation.

The last weakness, for me, is the closing paragraph that poses a question at the end. It isn't right for you to close on a rhetorical question. You need to offer a strong opinion in this close. A series of solutions that you think will be effective or a single solution or opinion that will show your clearly informed opinion regarding the issue. Describe how you would solve the problem if you were the person in charge of the police, or a related organization.

Writing Feedback / Why shouldn't we believe meritocracy? [3]

Okay. You should not be using a referenced piece of information at the very start of the essay. You need to work on creating a more proper thesis statement that will allow you to define meritocracy based on your personal understanding. After that, you should reference the comparative discussion that you will be creating (upper class, middle class, lower class). However, you need to focus the discussion the Chinese discussion of these points because towards the end, you are referencing the Chinese education in the opinion paper. You need to create a better balance in the discussion by focusing on the social class system as it applies to the Chinese meritocracy setting. That way, the reader is clear about which culture is being discussed and why the meritocracy discussion is important.

Grammar, Usage / How to use "mystified" in a sentence [3]

Mystified is a verb that can be used in one of two reference manners. These are:

- to perplex (a person) by playing upon the person's credulity; bewilder purposely.
- to involve in mystery or obscurity.

Confused is an adjective that refers to:

- feeling or exhibiting an inability to understand; bewildered; perplexed
- in a disordered state; mixed up; jumbled

The reason that the software changed the word usage in the sentence was based on the clarity of the reference word being used. Mystified sounds impressive to a non English speaker, but it does not offer meaning clarity in the sentence. Confused is a simpler word that better describes the situation you were discussing in the sentence. So the software used the more appropriate descriptive word instead.

Letters / Letter of motivation | Master's Degree in Music and Acoustic Engineering; POLIMI Italy [3]

The essay tends to be all over the place in terms of presentation. Your interest in music, specifically Music and Acoustic Engineering does not have a deep starting point. You have to remember that you are changing career focuses here. So the motivation has to show that the career move is based on a personal level. Not just enjoying music coming from the neighbor or from watching a specific film.

The motivation has to be seen from the very start. Have you ever tried playing around with digital music on your laptop or PC even as you performed your job as a software engineer? That type of interest will show that your motivation comes from a personal, relaxing level. At the moment, the essay sounds too mechanical. As if you just placed in all of the information you think the reviewer wants to read about, without considering if it justifies a motivating factor or not.

Having relevant technical training is not really considered an effective motivating factor. That is actually irrelevant. What is required for this presentation is a reference to the depth of your interest in music engineering. Where did it stem from? Be personal, you can use the neighbor reference but only after a more personal motivation is presented. The reference to ROMA, isn't effective in the motivational consideration. You will do well to remove that from this presentation.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] TAKING PARENTING COURSES DUE TO SEVERAL REASONS [5]

The topic reference in the prompt does not offer any reference to these courses as being considered necessary. Do not add information to the prompt restatement. You will definitely lose points for inaccurate rephrasing of the statement. Do not add information, remove information, or give an opinion where none is required. You will receive point deductions for it. Instead of that sentence, you should have instead, added the reference to the "great deal of advocates" to your measured response. By delivering a clear discussion path / outline in your paraphrasing section, you will add to the clarity of your opinion, thus increasing your TA score, and also, offering the examiner an idea of what discussion topics will be covered in the presentation. You will definitely get a better TA score, which will automatically boost your overall score.

Your reasoning paragraphs lack proper explanation development. Do not focus on the number of reasons in your reasoning paragraphs. You should be focused on the clarity of your explanation instead. That is achieved by using a single topic sentence or subject in every paragraph. You will get a better TA score with lesser topics, but clearer explanations per paragraph.

The conclusion should have at least 2 sentences in it. You are offering a non summarized presentation in your conclusion. It is a run-on sentence that will lower your GRA score.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 2 - Opinion on salary when choosing a job [5]

The second sentence in the first paragraph is not indicative of any line of reasoning or supporting statement in the original prompt. That makes the restatement change in discussion focus from the original. Expect scoring deductions for creating your own information not aligned with the original discussion presentation. Your extent response is correct, but lacking the 2 topic sentences that would introduce the basis of your discussion to the examiner.

This is only a 4 paragraph essay. You have not followed the correct discussion format requirement. Additional point deductions will be made due to the error in format presentation. The "furthermore" statement should have been attached to the previous paragraph to create clarity for the reason you presented in that section. It would have also helped to keep your format within the required 4 paragraph discussion.

Never start a sentence with a connecting word. You cannot start with "and" because the word connotes a connection between 2 thoughts in one sentence. So make sure to use a comma, never a period, when using the word "and" in a sentence. GRA point deductions will be applied for that particular error.

Undergraduate / Well-balanced and fulfilling life - APPLICATION FOR UBC -- TELL US ABOUT WHO ARE [4]

You need to develop a multi faceted representation of who you are in this response statement. That means, you have to provide a different opinion of who you are based on the point of view of each person mentioned in the prompt. It would be fantastic if you could give a different opinion of yourself as a person as seen by your parents, friends, and community members then, only after the different descriptions of who you are, you can combine the points of view to reflect an accomplishment you are most proud of. Managing to do that will allow the reviewer to get to know you better and also, offer a unique "proud" moment for yourself that will be different from what one might expect. You need to focus on the target, who you are. This is not a motivational statement. This is a character reference statement. Which is why how other see you is equally as important as the proud moment you will be presenting. Base the proud moment on the collective point of view instead.

Writing Feedback / People are tending to work and study online more usually, and it brings us a lot of benefits [3]

The word "because" is a conjunction that needs to be used before a noun, adjective, interjection, or verb. It is an informal word that is not used at the start of any sentence because it is "connecting" word. If there is no word to describe the information about "because", then the word usage does not have any purpose in the sentence. This is why the second sentence in your first paragraph is going to pull down your GRA score. The use of the word at the start of the sentence shows that you are unfamiliar with English writing rules so, the appropriate scoring deductions will be made to that section of the presentation. The last sentence is incomplete. You need to make reference to original discussion instruction / question which is "positive or negative? So the correct presentation would have been:

In my opinion, though there are some negative aspects to working and studying from home, there are still more positive gains to these practices.

This is only a 2 reasoning paragraph essay. You only use 3 reasoning paragraphs for the 2 public point of view + personal opinion presentation. So the third reasoning in this essay is a throw away. Unnecessary and not useful to the presentation or explanations provided. For this essay, there should be 2 reasoning paragraphs formatted in the following manner:

Par. 2: A reason studying from home should be seen as positive. (just 1 reason fully developed)]
Par. 3: A reason working from home is a positive development (one reason fully developed)

Try to further develop the reasoning process, on which you are scored heavily, in a manner that helps you write 275-290 words. The shorter your essay, the lesser your chance of a higher overall score. The more you write though, the more prone to errors your writing will be. Writing within this suggested length will help you stay in the center, with a balanced presentation that tends to highlight your writing skills by giving you a better chance at a higher individual and overall scoring consideration.

Graduate / Application for USC film school - Cinematic Arts Personal Statement [2]

The experience that you are speaking of in the essay is interesting. However, since you are applying to Cinematic Arts, you should present this in a manner that allows you to tell the story from an outsider's point of view. Imagine if you were selling this story plot to a movie producer. How would you narrate the whole movie? Use a representative character for yourself in the narration. Your individuality should be reflected within the story telling. By creating a 3 dimensional character to perform in your stead, you will be able to better share your distinctive experiences, character development, and values representation. Why? As the central character in the story, you limit your imagination to reality. However, by using a representative character, you have more room to be creative and imaginative in the presentation. This is a very good start. It is just that I sense some limitations in the character presentation, development, and actions. Using a screenplay presentation will be more effective than a simple personal statement or, as in this presentation, a cross of a personal statement and a screenplay. By using the screenplay format, you will also be able to show the reviewer that you already have a strong foundation in at least one aspect of Cinematic Arts. The presentation will be unique and interesting since you will not be following the standard format for this presentation. You are given the creative license to use any format for your response, so go for an unconventional presentation that will most likely catch the eye of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Overpriced childcare is causing the poverty level to rise and making it impossible for parents [2]

Never open a research paper or opinion paper with a quoted text of any sort. Do not use in-text citations in the first line. The first paragraph has to omit that presentation because you are still setting up the discussion points and thesis presentation. The presentation of this information should have been used in the next paragraph. You should also avoid using rhetorical questions in the presentation as it removes the academic tone of the discussion. The paragraph you wrote does not offer a clear thesis and possible solutions to the perceived problems the cost of childcare presents. This lack of proper thesis presentation means that the whole subject, topic, or point of the essay has remained non-represented in the presentation. That makes the rest of the discussion confusing to the reader who does not know what the basis of the information you are presenting is, how it is relevant to the discussion, and how it relates to the thesis statement you should have presented at the start.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Is advertising persuasive or not? [4]

There are 40 minutes provided for the complete writing of this essay. That means 40 minutes needs to be divided into the draft, review, rewriting, review, and finalization of your presentation. Though you may be able to type fast enough to cover 346 words, you cannot type fast enough to complete the scoring worthy version of the essay presentation. Keep your essay simple. Offer 250-290 words only. That will allow you to present a clear and properly edited final version to the examiner.

You do not need to over discuss the topic. You will not achieve a 7 band score just because you can type a mountain of English words at a fast pace. You are scored on the clarity of your presentation, lack of grammar and lexical errors, and a proper discussion presentation based on the required format. Those are the sections that dictate your high or low score. The number of words, provided you do not over write, does not really matter very much in the scoring presentation. The word count only matters in the writing aspect. Write less than 250 words, percentage points are deducted for the missing words. Write more than 290 and you open yourself up to more GRA, LR, plus C&C errors.

Writing Feedback / The tax cut for parents, who send their children to private schools, is a practical necessity [5]

Your essay will automatically get a lower than passing score in the TA section because of your irrelevant discussion response. You are being asked to present an extent response to the given query. Yet your response does not represent the measured response with a guiding topic sentence. Therefore, your essay will be scored as having an inappropriate response, which is not a passing score in that section. As such, the main scoring consideration for your essay will start at a disadvantage. A non-passing score.

The fact that you threw in a comparative discussion when the requirement was a single opinion defense essay will further ensure that this essay will not get a passing score. You need to understand how to respond to the Task 2 essays, Unless you are clearly asked to compare discussion points of view, you need to focus on defending only your personal and single point of view.

Writing Feedback / [Ielts Writing task 1] Summerise information from a graph and table about water consumption [2]

I can review your essay and offer you useful advice. As for marking your essay, you will need to subscribe to our private review service or upgrade this posting to an URGENT thread. That is because scoring / marking essays are no longer part of our free review services. That also means that any student who scores your essay will find his account automatically suspended for forum rule violations.

The task 1 essay only allots 20 minutes for its complete writing and editing. In word count, that is converted into 150-190 words. You wrote 234 words, which is almost enough for a task 2 essay. Time yourself next time. Do your best to draft, edit, and finalize your content within 20 minutes. As a beginner, you may find it difficult to do so.

Try to limit your writing to the appropriate word count. Over writing and over analyzing the essay will not work to your benefit. Keep it simple, just relate the data directly. That way you will leave enough time for you to double check your work, find your errors, correct them, and hopefully, get yourself a passing score. Right now, You really need to focus on writing less, while still keeping your presentation informative and understandable to the reader.

Writing Feedback / People told that the internet is the most important inventions in later 30 years - agree or not? [4]

With the plagiarized paragraph removed, the essay came in under 250 words. You only have 230 words of original content. Which means, you are going to get an automatic failing score for this essay. The score will be based on your lack of word count in relation to the minimum requirement. You are not really trying to write a paragraph that will get a passing score since you used plagiarized content for a practice essay. If you cannot write enough words in a practice test, then you should consider skipping the test altogether. The lack of ability to write original content is the evidence you need to convince yourself you are ready to take this test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Explanation about the superiority of online shopping [2]

You are just trying to throw together English words that you feel will score you a high score. The statement is totally unnatural in feel. It does not show your ability to use everyday English in a simple discussion presentation. Your focus on the LR aspect of scoring has caused your presentation to be confusing in content to the reader. There is a simple rule for writing the Task 2 essay that will help you score well, keep it simple. Do not try to impress the examiner with your vocabulary. That will backfire. This really sounds like you used a dictionary while you were writing. It is trying too hard to impress the examiner, who will be irritated instead. Use everyday English language, that is what will inform the examiner of your ability to make yourself understood clearly in an ordinary discussion setting.

Writing Feedback / Recent research has shown that business meetings and training are increasingly taking place online. [3]

The phrase used for the topic sentence is "recent research has shown". Your reference to "The survey shows" is incorrect. A more appropriate presentation would have been; "New information shows a more frequent occurrence of..." You cannot use the same reference words as the original. You will be given less score in the LR section for using cut and paste words. Build your synonym vocabulary so that you can use alternative words for the original keywords. Do not offer an opinion regarding the advantage and disadvantage because that is not being required in the presentation. You are being asked to present a comparative discussion of the advantages and disadvantages, you are not being required to present a personal opinion.

Why are you conceding in the final paragraph? Again, do not present an opinion where it is not required, You will continuously receive scoring deductions because of that. The concluding paragraph should wrap up the discussion with a restatement of the previous presentation only. Nothing more, nothing less.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of people populated in urban areas in certain parts of the world - IELST task 1. [3]

You need to write less words. This is only a 20 minute task. The word allotment for this type of writing is 150-190 words. 200 words or more means you have eaten into the next essay time allotment. There is a difficulty in deciphering your information due to the lack of proper formatting, for which you will be penalized and heavy points deducted, which will result in a possible failing score for this essay. Use 3 paragraphs for the presentation, 4 paragraphs if you have enough information to do so. Do not just keep typing away, totally ignoring the word parameters and your errors in spelling, grammar, and conciseness. If you write less words, you can focus on the quality of your writing. If you leave the errors unchecked, then you will have even more percentage deductions, which means, your final score could be well under the 5 mark.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Government should spend more money in works of art [2]

The opening paragraph is insufficient in information presentation. You failed to properly restate the given discussion points before offering your response to the question. The prompt rephrasing is scored heavily in this paragraph. The lack of it will mean that you do not know how to restate the topic. You will receive heavy points deductions in the TA section for that lack of presentation skills in both the opening and closing paragraphs.You need to extend your presentation in both paragraph to meet the sentence requirement per paragraph, which is 3-5 sentences each. The opening paraphrase and closing reverse paraphrase should have at least 2 sentences, comprising at least 40 words in the presentation.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] PARENTS SPEND TIME TELLING STORIES TO THEIR CHILDREN [4]

The discussion format for this essay is totally out of the expected presentation. As such, you will receive a lower TA score due to inappropriate formatting. You are expected to respond to this essay using the proper paragraph presentation which is:

Par. 1: Restatement + Personal opinion reference
Par. 2: First Public POV + Personal opinion
Par. 3: Second Public POV + Personal opinion
Par. 4: Overall personal opinion (opting to take one side of the discussion)
Par. 5: Concluding summary of the previous discussion points

There is a lack of GRA scoring potential in this essay. You are not using enough third person reference points to prove your GRA skill. Your personal opinion should also use more than just "I" in the paragraph. Try to show a variety of personal pronoun usage to increase the GRA potentia. The conclusion you presented is too short. This does not meet the 40 word minimum requirement nor the 3-5 sentence summary requirement.

Scholarship / An enthusiast of Data Science - Tell us your story [3]

The story about your passion doesn't fit with the overall requirements for a personal statement for an undergraduate course. That is more fitting of a longer presentation either in your motivational statement or, in your statement of purpose. The personal statement asks you to present yourself as a person outside of being a student. You should try to develop the presentation about your family life and the completion of your secondary school instead. Then, talk about the qualities that will make a good student at this university. After that, discuss what aspects of the university curriculum, student community, and close with what impressed you the most about the university and course choice.

Writing Feedback / Causes and solutions to global hunger - the importance of agricultural technology [5]

The original prompt is not asking you to attest to the truthfulness of the topic being presented for discussion. You will lose points for including an opinion which is not required in the paraphrasing of the original topic. That is a very bad thing to do and will most certainly affect your TA score as you are not following the writing instructions as provided. Simply restate the prompt and respond to the questions provided with topic sentences. Stick to the instructions, you are scored on your ability to follow instructions as provided.

Your first topic in the second paragraph is confusing to read. You start by discussing the inability of people to buy food in general, then you suddenly shift to an unspoken reference to farmers who are incapable of purchasing food. As such, you leave the reader confused and your reasoning lacking in proper references. The sudden introduction of a second topic created a confusing topic discussion for the paragraph, which means the thought in this presentation is under developed and lacking in clarity, 2 points which, when deducted from your score, means you are closer to a failing rather than passing score.

The solutions suggested are not related to the ability to buy food. Education has nothing to do with the discussion because you did not properly defend its relationship to the topic. The second reason, is barely explained and does not help to increase an understanding of the solution you are suggesting. There needs to be a clear relationship between the problems previously presented and applicable solutions in the next paragraph.

You need at least 40 words in the concluding summary. Your run-on sentence, which does not properly summarize the discussion, will be the final reason for the low score for this presentation.

Writing Feedback / "Throw-away" society - people use things in a short time and then throw them away [2]

When you write your prompt paraphrase, you need to make sure that you address the questions at the very start. That means, you provide topic sentences for each question after you restate the topic of the essay. So in this presentation your first paragraph errors exist because of your lack of response to:

- What are its causes
- what are its problems?
- What could be done to address this issue?

Presenting the topic response for each paragraph will help you stay on track and not deviate from the expected response format. You need to use one paragraph as a response to each question. Your current presentation is only partially correct in format because you responded to the first 2 questions, but forgot to respond to the last question in a separate paragraph. You will be scored less for using the response to the third question as a concluding paragraph.

The concluding paragraph is always a summary of the previous discussions. That means, this is a 5 paragraph, not 4 paragraph essay as you presented. You will be scored on a tangential response range, which will prevent you from receiving a notable score overall. That is because there are still several other problems with your presentation that will prevent the higher scoring range consideration for your work.

Scholarship / Motivation letter for Master's scholarship in data science of Australia Government [2]

The first paragraph can be modified to provide a more motivational academic reason for your studies. The passion should come from a clearer statement of your academic interest in studying another course. You already seem overqualified for the scholarship / study sponsorship because you have studied several courses already. It makes you appear to be a professional student who makes a living by simply applying for scholarship grants and continuing to study, even though it is no longer necessary. You need to justify how your motivation prevents you from being a professional student.

You do not need to enumerate where you have worked. You need to explain how these work experiences motivated a professional interest in the course you have chosen. The reviewer is not going to consider the companies you interned at. He will consider how long you have worked in a formal position and how that might have motivated further studies for you. In truth, the essay is not strong and is instead questionable due to the over qualifications you are presenting based on your educational background.

Book Reports / INDIAN HORSE: What forms does this racism take and what effect does it have on Saul directly? [2]

The forms of racism are strong in your presentation. However, I feel that the analysis is not as strong as it can be. You are trying to pass off the narration of the event as an opinion that forms your response to the effect that racism had on the main character directly. You need to balance that discussion. Quickly state the form of racism, if you can call it by a proper identifier, then do so, along with the description. Then create a more analytical presentation of the effect is has on the person. Look for reasons the racism helped to build or take down Saul as a person. Why did that happen? Do you consider it helpful or not? This is more than just a look at the act of racism, it is an analysis of how racism affects the development of a person.

Writing Feedback / Uncertain future of the wild animals - argument essay [3]

Your prompt paraphrase is not proper. It does not contain any information from the original prompt which is:

Wild animals have no place in the 21st century, and the protection is a waste of resources. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The original prompt asked you to give a measured response in your paraphrasing of the topic, reasons, and discussion response. You failed to deliver on all counts. Your response is not related to the question at all. This will result in a lower than expected TA score for you. This could lead to your failure to get a passing score in the end. You should never save the actual measured response for the end of the essay. Since the question is asked at the start, the response needs to be given at the start. That is because the measured response will be the basis of your 2 discussion paragraphs. You must give your response then offer 2 reasons that support your opinion as the discussion outline. This will help to give you a better score because your opinion will be clearly stated in the presentation, in the portion where it can help your score the most.

Have you timed yourself when writing an essay? You wrote 331 words, Way more than the suggested 275-290 words. While you did write more, you will not impress the examiner because your long essay also resulted in more spelling, grammar, and cohesiveness problems in your essay. All of which, due to your wrong focus on essay length instead of proof reading to lessen your errors, will result in a fully scaled back score for your work. These errors are so marked, your percentage penalties could very well prevent your passing score when combined with your TA error.

Writing Feedback / Some people claim that the mental power influences the win, the physical strength not so much [4]

This essay is over discussed. You should be presenting up to 290 words only for this type of 3 paragraph reasoning discussion. It is difficult for me to say this but, even though you overwrote, your response format is still incorrect in some aspects. For example, in the opening paraphrase, you did not appropriately restate the two public opinions, in individual paragraphs, before indicating your own opinion, as another separate sentence. A 3 sentence presentation for that section would have been more appropriate.

You discussed the essay only from your personal point of view using the 2 topic sentences. The discussion for this type of presentation covers the explanation or reasons for the existence of the 2 public points of view, upon which your personal point of view will be based. Hence the 3 paragraph format. There is a lack of public reasoning in the discussion presentation which indicates that you only considered your personal opinion in the presentation, rather than the public reasoning considerations. That makes the essay selective in response, which means it will be scored as such by the examiner.

Undergraduate / Social anxiety - UBC Personal Profile - Tell us about who you are [3]

You need to work out the requirements of the prompt. There are 3 aspects of your personality you should be able to discuss using 83 words each (if possible) Deliver a description of how your parents see you as a child and/or emerging adult/young adult. Then after that, use a separate paragraph to explain how your friends, your best friend if possible, would describe you as a reliable and trustworthy friend, or any other descriptive word usage, again within 83words. You may opt to use a community member reference if you have a strong volunteer presence in a local organization.

For the last part, also using 83 words (or whatever is left of the word count), pick an accomplishment you can be proud of. Social anxiety is a good topic. However, your discussion is running too long. You have to shorten it to only the impactful part of the presentation. What you accomplished in relation to overcoming your social anxiety and why you are most proud of that. Focus only on the immediate discussion. There is no need to discuss the "soon after" portion. It is not relevant to the presentation.

Scholarship / Unique and Specific Course to Address My Problems: A Chevening Essay on Studying in the UK [3]

The first paragraph is a throw away due to its irrelevance to the discussion requirements. Delete that part. You don't need word fillers, you need to immediately inform the reviewer in the hopes of holding his attention because he has hundreds more of application essays to read. Examples of your skills are not required, your undergraduate courses specific in relation to your chosen courses are needed. You are talking up the universities and course choices but, you are not explaining how the courses will be relevant to your current career and how it may help you change career paths in the future. So your information delivery doesn't work in terms of convincing the reviewer that you have a relevant potential career path in mind with regards to each course. How you will apply it in your current job is just as important as your foundational courses from college and the reasons why you chose the course and university.

Scholarship / How to Gain Buy-in for Millennials at the Office: A Chevening Leadership and Influence Essay [4]

There is a lack of development of your leadership and influencing roles. You need to better develop the presentation. Knowing how to delegate does not mean you led the team. That just means you assigned tasks. There is no evidence that your facilitating of equal opportunities resulted in your influencing your team mates. The last thing you want for this essay is to make it appear that you are a super leader who did not face any true conflict in terms of leadership and influencing. You have to show the reviewer that you know how to lead through stressful situations or obstacles, and that you can lead through disappointments, inspire through obstacles, and influence when the team is uncooperative. You are not offering any actual scenarios that would illustrate these points. You are merely glossing over the presentation requirements.

Letters / Why you are interested in Law & Economics in general and in the EMLE Programme in particular [4]

The motivational letter needs to focus on what has motivated you to focus your masters course on Law and Economics. How does this relate to your current career? You seem to be changing law focus from IP to L&E. Why is that? What motivated the change in career path? Explain how this developed and why it is important to you to switch focus. What you have here is a personal statement that does not deliver the required elements of an EM motivation letter. You are lacking a focus on the EMLE program as it relates to your motivation. Try to connect your interest in law, IP, then L&E in a manner that will allow you to clearly explain the relevance of the EMLE program to your career growth and future career path.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Book 13 test 3 task 1 - Top 10 countries for the production and consumption of electricity [4]

There is an unnecessary focus on the China v. USA discussion in this essay. It is unevenly presented as you did not give any attention at all to the remaining countries represented in the chart. The reporting on your end is incomplete because of this. Within even though you used a 4 paragraph format, your inability to properly group the presentation information into appropriate presentation sections prevented the essay from being clear and informative on the side of the reader. You are rushing through your information presentation as you only present run-on sentences. Just because you listed all of the information does not make it effective. Without a properly analyzed presentation, your data becomes irrelevant. Show distinct comparison topics between the countries so that you will be able to utilize all of the information presented in the chart.

Research Papers / The First Punic War - Research Paper [2]

What exactly was the purpose of your research paper? Isn't there a way by which you could connect the research between the 5 different wars? It would be interesting to read how the wars intersect throughout time. Look at the commonalities and differences between the various wars. What started it, how it ended, why the wars had to happen, these are topics that could easily help you relate the 5 wars within one interesting paper. As of now, the paper tends to get boring because of the focus on a single war, composed mostly of quotes from other sources. A really interesting take would be to have a research paper on a specific topic common to all 5 wars, then proving the importance of that commonality throughout the history of the country. Narrow down your focus so you can use all the information from the 5 wars in a comprehensive research paper.

Scholarship / The national and international level - Strong leadership and personal influence - Chevening [3]

Being a trainer and being a leader are two different things. A trainer, is not the same as a leader, but is the same as a teacher. Unless you can show some leadership skills that actually relate to your promotion to trainer, then the reference to this as a leadership position is incorrect. You trained them, they passed the test. Good job. However, there is no leadership trait contained within that reference, which is why it is a weak and irrelevant discussion point in the essay.

Influencing also needs to be done in relation to your leadership skills. Leading a team through a difficult time, invigorating them to continue despite obstacles, encouraging flagging team members to succeed, inspiring them to success, these are all influencing examples that need to be reflected in your presentation. When you lead students and encourage them, the truth is, as their teacher, they have no choice but to follow your instructions. Whether you truly inspire them or not, you are their leader by default, and they do not have the free will to disobey you, which negates the need to actually influence their actions.

The weakest part of this essay is that there is no reference to your potential as a local or national leader and influencer. As a teacher, you are limited in your capacity to inspire and lead. If you were a member of a notable organization and you used that membership to lead and influence people within your profession or related areas, then you will have shown either a local or national leadership and influencer potential.

Writing Feedback / Email in essay format about the relationship between mother and daughter in "Two Kinds" by Amy Tan [2]

Okay, this a modified opinion paper based on a novel. That means, you still need to follow the rules regarding writing novel reviews. Which means, your presentation is a bit off base in its presentation. You will need to revise the presentation based on my observations of your writing, if you want to that is.

For starters, the opening paragraph needs to give a better synopsis presentation. As a person who has not read the novel yet, I did not really get a clear picture of who these characters are, the importance of the dog, and why I should care about reconciling the main characters. You should assume that the mother and daughter need to be reminded of what they went through, just in case they have chosen to ignore certain instances in the story as most people are prone to do after going through a horrible situation.

Spot seems to be the central character in the story. So explain more about the dog. What did he represent for each woman and why? What sort of relationship did the dog have with each character? How does that explain how each person dealt with the loss of the dog? Do not use exclamation points. A doctor would never shout at his patients.

As a professional, never say something was a terrible idea. Frame it in a professional manner. It is not a terrible idea, it was instead, ill-timed or, not well planned. A professional tone should always be in in plan since the letter should be coming from a counselor. Do not order any character to do something. Imply it, suggest it. Never command it. A counselor knows how to use encouraging words to help mend relationships. You cannot mend a relationship just by ordering that they do so.

Undergraduate / Naval Academy Personal Statement - why this service, long range goals and character development [2]

As a Naval Academy student, you need to present a long term goal other than just being loyal to the country and completing your STEM education. Since your grandfather worked for NASA, then maybe you will want that to be the ultimate goal for yourself, to fulfill the family legacy as a naval officer trained in STEM. Maybe mention that your final aim is to be a part of the team that will go to Mars, return to the moon, or be a part of the operators at the center in charge of one of these missions. You need a definite plan of action. A clear career path that you can parlay into a useful career that the US government can find useful as well. It is not just about loyalty to the country, but also service to the country in more ways than one. Find a way to justify that in your presentation.

Your response to the second question is a bit too simple. That is also a tired reference point. Almost all the applicants will be using the same story. Find something more serious and recent for you to narrate to prove your character development and integrity. Something that will perhaps, also show a love for country and a dedication to duty as aligned with the Naval Academy Code of Honor.

Scholarship / Reason for Studying in UK - Chevening Essay; knowledge required to achieve my career goal in Nigeria [3]

Your first 2 paragraphs are irrelevant. You need to discuss your undergraduate certification in that section. Prove that you have taken the requisite foundational courses during college that will help you succeed as a scholar taking these courses. The over dependence of your country can be presented as a motivating factor, in a separate but short paragraph. Do not over discuss that portion because you will be going into details based on your masters course choices.

For each university choice, explain how your undergraduate course, specific courses that apply to the masters course, have prepared you to study the course. If possible, mention your GPA in that class. Then explain how your current profession has given you the technical know how to address the course requirements. Whenever possible, explain how the course you are discussing will help progress your career from the current point it is at. However, be careful not to present too much information in that section because you might end up negating the post study plan essay. Remember that you cannot repeat information in any essay you write for this application.