Writing Feedback / Numerous criminals have been seen to re-offend. Give causes and solutions. [2]

Your second paragraph is too long. You should only write within the 275-290 word parameter. You have written 327 words, but failed to properly review and revise your content. So you ended up with 10 uncorrected errors in the essay representing: spelling, grammar, along with C&C issues. These errors are detrimental to your final score because each error that you make will result in a deduction for every scoring consideration. I cannot stress the importance of reviewing and revising your essay. If you do not do that, you end up with several deductions, which can actually make you fail the test. Always remember to review and correct your essay. The less errors, the higher your score.

You have not properly responded to the required information from the prompt. Direct topic responses would have been better for your TA score than this extremely long, but unedited essay presentation. Try to use topic sentences at the start of the reasoning paragraphs as well. It helps direct the content of your paragraph and helps the examiner anticipate your discussion thoughts. Then thresh out the supporting reasons within 4 sentences. Do not overwrite. It never helps a student get a better score in the Task 2 presentation.

Undergraduate / Autobiography about myself - for university scholarship [2]

This is an excessively long essay. I am sure that you were provided with a minimum and maximum word count for this personal statement. I sincerely doubt that you were allowed to write 7 pages worth of text, covering 2391 words. This is normally an essay that covers only 500 words maximum or 2 pages, depending upon the paper size. As this is a scholarship essay, you are being asked to respond to a specific prompt. However, I cannot assess what that question is and how you can best approach it since you forgot to tell me what it was. For now, I need you to shorten this essay. Base the new version on the word requirements of the actual scholarship application instructions.

Writing Feedback / The Dangers of Putting Too Much Pressure on Kids [5]

Let's start with the basics. You are writing an academic essay whose minimum word count is 250-290 words. Writing less than those number of words will not be beneficial to your final score. Deductions will be applied for the missing word count. Next, you need to properly format the paragraphs. You have to present anywhere from 4-5 paragraphs, depending upon the original prompt instructions. You can never compress the discussion into one paragraph due to the sentence topic requirements and discussion presentation format. You have to present 3-5 sentences in each paragraph. The sentences need to be complete in terms of:

- Topic sentence
- Explanation
- Supporting discussions

You have not really addressed the topic in a properly developed paragraph. You have to review the formatting requirements for a task 2 essay. You can use the other essays available here as an example of how you properly address this academic essay writing task.

Scholarship / Career plan in consulting and digital business in the long run - my chevening essay [2]

Stop referring to research links in the essay that is irrelevant to the reviewer. Since this is a Chevening scholarship post study plan, you must remember to include a reference to Chevening in your post study plans. The foundation takes pride in having an international network of professional graduates who can help each other perform better within their areas of expertise. You have to clearly indicate how your future projects will be able to help promote Chevening as a scholarship program. You should also be able to clearly explain how Chevening will be relevant to your post study career plans. That is missing from this essay. If you do not have a Chevening channel in your country, it may become difficult for you to qualify for the scholarship. You see, most of the short listed applicants for Chevening lose out in the end when they fail to show a Chevening connection in the post study plan.

Scholarship / Leaders deploy people - Leadership skills for Chevening scholarship [2]

This is not an impressive leadership essay. You mostly told the reviewer about your leadership skills and how you applied it rather than showing him. You have to show the progression of your leadership skills. You cannot rely on a community activity for this particular essay. It is important that you show a professional application of your leadership skills. Being a youth leader is one thing, being a professional leader, who might be able to lead his country in a professional or political capacity is another thing. A Youth leader ends right there. The minute you become an adult, you need to have some sort of leadership supporting reference. One that applies to your job and how you function within the workplace, workspace, and a team leader.

Undergraduate / Columbia Essay on an active role in my community. A sock drive for a local homeless shelter [2]

I like this essay. It is engaging, informative, and fun to read. You pretty much covered all of the important points in relation to the project you undertook. You used just enough words to explain yourself clearly, bringing the reader along with you for the trip. Since this is a 200 words or fewer essay, I can tell you that it works well. Except for one small detail. Avoid the "We" in the presentation and use the "I" throughout. This is not a statement about the team. The discussion should focus only on your participation. So be specific about what you contributed to the fund raising activity. Don't jump around from "We" to "I" and back again. Still, excellent effort. This works well. With a slight adjustment, it should be even better.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Release auto-driving vehicles. Advantage or Disavantage? [7]

You have actually written just the right number of sentences within the 2 reasoning paragraphs. You have to write 3-5 sentences for the reasoning paragraphs. As for the opening and closing paraphrase, sometimes you can only write 3 sentences for those paragraphs. Other times, you can write up to 5. You cannot write 2 sentences for those paragraphs as those would be improperly formatted paragraphs and lower your score.

You gave a proper opinion as required by the question asked in the original presentation. The problem, is that you did not directly respond to the question. YOu should have indicated the personal opinion in this section by saying that "I believe that... I base my opinion on the reasons that (1) and (2)."

You should have followed the single opinion type of discussion for this essay. Once you know which opinion you would like to support, you could follow a discussion format that can help you score better due to the clarity of your opinion, cohesive topic presentation, and coherent reasoning sentences. The proper approach to the A/D discussion, if you want to score better is:

Sentence 1: Advantage or disadvantage (whichever side you do not support)
Sentence 2: Reason why people say this is an A or D
Sentence 3: Your opinion (A/D)
Sentence 4: Reason for your opinion
Sentence 5: Example to support your opinion

Based on the aforementioned format, you will accomplish 2 things:
- Discuss the advantages of a particular opinion
- Refute that advantage to prove your opinion as stated in your response within the paraphrased paragraph.

This will show the examiner that you clearly considered all discussion points and, clearly explained and supported your opinion based on a comparative discussion. Such a format allows you to increase your overall score, specially in the TA plus C&C sections.

Undergraduate / Prompt: Discuss a popular stereotype that you believe people might have about YOU. Explain [3]

The keyword in the prompt requirement is "might". Meaning, the people are wrong about you when they think of you in a certain way. Therefore, if you admit to being an introvert, as other people actually view you, then you are not able to disprove that idea within the essay as required. The essay is about opposing a point of view that most people have about you. So if they think you are introvert, then you should counter this with proof that you are an extrovert. For example, you may be an introvert in a roomful of strangers, but a lively extrovert when surrounded by people who know you well such as family and close friends. The idea for the essay discussion is to discuss a misconception. Therefore, you cannot discuss being an introvert in the manner that you have presented here. You have to oppose the idea, rather than discuss it as an actual strength. There is no misconception about you being an introvert. There is no direct relationship between being an introvert and being a leader. An introvert can still be a leader. I believe you have misunderstood the prompt requirements. You need to oppose an idea that people have about you and explain it. Don't admit it and then explain why this is a misconception. There is no misconception when you admit to something and then try to explain it away.

Writing Feedback / The Bar graph shows the number of tourists visiting two different cities by seasons [2]

The task 1 essay uses a 3 paragraph format for its information analysis and presentation. You only have two paragraphs comprising 121 words. This analysis paper is not well written. It lacks a proper analysis that would have allowed you to reach the minimum 150 word count. The deduction percentage for the lacking words will be just too high for this essay to reach a baseline passing score. So, what was missing from this essay? You forgot to include a summary overview as the first paragraph. You dove directly into an analysis of the information, which led to the lacking word count. The analysis itself is acceptable. However, the incorrect format (missing summary overview) is what really had a major effect on the final score of this presentation.

Student Talk / Last Year's Essays Answers for My New Chevening Application - Is it acceptable? [3]

It is not acceptable for you to use the same essay you used previously for your Chevening application. Since you were short listed for an interview but declined, you will have a hard time getting a second consideration for the scholarship. If the other candidates have stronger credentials that you do this year, then your rehashed essay isn't going to work. You must instead write new essays that will show how, even though you declined the shortlist interview last year, you have managed to further improve your credentials, making you an even stronger candidate this year, worthy of a second consideration. You can mention, where applicable that you declined the interview last year. Just make sure you don't make yourself sound too pitiful. The pity factor will not help. An improved credential list will work better in this case.

Scholarship / My rather messy personal statement (gks-g 2021, undergraduate, embassy track) [3]

Woah! You have the prompt requirements to follow, and you have the page size advisory. Your inability to follow the discussion instructions resulted in a 5 page A4 sized essay. Which is way over the required writing standards fort he GKS embassy track. There should be 2 pages worth of A4 sized paper information in your essay. That is 2 pages back to back, edited to fit on one page.

You haven't really followed the discussion requirements based on the prompt guidelines. You did write it emotionally, and you wrote from the heart. However, you treated the essay as a personal statement, in general. You failed to represent the requirements of the prompt as indicated in the discussion instructions. This essay is totally useless to the application.

I cannot even begin to edit this because I cannot find any relevant writing on your part. Without any applicable information, this essay will end, rather than help your application. I strongly urge you to write a totally new essay. Provide the information provided by the discussion instructions. You should not need to use more than 5 paragraphs for this essay, back to back on an A4 sized paper.

Writing Feedback / The table shows the ways people in Someland spend their time (different age group and timeframe) [2]

Most of your errors in the presentation have to do with word usage and sentence structure. For example, in the first paragraph, your presentation is incomplete. You forgot to indicate that the measurement was based on hours spent. Then, you made a mistake in the second sentence:

... make up almost all freetime of residents = make up most of the free time of residents.

"Onward" is one word, not 2. "Compare" should be "compared" since this is presented in the past format. This is supposed to be an academic presentation to a professor so you really have to be careful with your word usage. You need to make sure that the essay sounds as natural as possible. "declination" is not an appropriate word to use in this presentation. Rather, the word "decline" sounds more natural and applicable to the discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Part 2 - Overseas visitors should follow local customs and behaviors. [4]

In the first paragraph, you have run-on sentences and improper conjunction usage issues. You are using "but" to start a sentence, remember, the previous thought process ended with the period, so there is nothing to connect to the next sentence that started with "but". Your response to the question should not be bundled into the discussion of the 2 reasons form the original prompt. Your response must always be a stand alone sentence at the end of the paragraph. You may opt to add a reasoning topic introduction at that point. Do not present a discussion, just a topic presentation.

Since you already said you disagree, your 2 reasoning paragraphs should focus only on the opposition to the given discussion. Do not use the comparative discussion for this essay. Rather, present 2 reasons that will help convince the reader that your opinion is the correct one. Remember, your score will be based only on the related discussion paragraphs. The examiner will remove the paragraph that does not relate to your opinion, which will bring your word count to under 250 words. Which means, percentage points will be deducted for an improperly formatted response. The deduction will be due to the paragraph that you included, which supported the opposing point of view.

The conclusion is a single run-on when it should be just a reflection of the opening paraphrase, 3-5 sentences. That should represent the topic, your reasons, and a repetition of your opinion, in no particular order.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - A Year in Japan Prompt 1 - identity, interest, or talent [2]

Try to come up with a more interesting title for the essay. One more descriptive of the discussion you are actually presenting. Do not make it sound like a travelogue where the presentation of the information will be generic and one size fits all. Your essay is interesting enough except for one important detail. You forgot to mention why you kept moving around the world with your parents. This will be part of the description of your background. What profession were your parents engaged in? How did you really feel about having to constantly move about. Do not keep the information about being born in Japan for the last part. Include that in the paragraph where you say you went home to learn your mother tongue. The last part of the essay is engaging and shows an emotional relevance on your part. I believe that with the proper revisions and information inclusions, your essay will be quite an interesting read for the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Transported goods in the UK - IELTS Writing Task 1 - The Line Graph [4]

Your summary overview should be divided into individual sentences. Identify the line graph, its representations, measurements, and year references as individual sentences. This should cover at least 4 sentences in your presentation. Make sure to attach the single sentence trending statement when you can. While you may use a stand alone trending statement, you need to have a minimum of 3 sentences in that presentation to meet the minimum sentence requirement. That should also help you write about 190 words, which is the maximum word count for this essay.

Your last paragraph is missing a comparison discussion. That is, the reference to the overlapping measurement in 1978 for water and rail. Your current presentation is good enough, but lacking in certain aspects. Some will say that missing out on the comparative element will lower your score, I tend to believe that it will lower the score but not significantly, provided you thoroughly presented, analyzed, and explained the other information in the essay.

Graduate / Personal Statement for an MBA Foundation / Afghanistan [2]

Remove the reference to the researched information. That is not necessary in a personal statement. Your personal statement lacks a clarity of interest progression. You gave the reader a reference to your educational and career progression, but you failed to justify the growth of your personal and academic interest in this MBA. I understand that you tried to use the quoted reference for this aspect but it just didn't work. You need to get down to a personal basis for every aspect of this discussion. After all, it is called a personal statement.

You can use paragraph 1 and 3 in your revised essay. However, in-between those 2 paragraphs, you will need a developed discussion that pertains to what experiences you have had, personally and professionally that have helped you realize the importance of an MBA in this sector. Now, analyze the personal and professional discussion. How did those information help you decide on attending a specific university. The idea behind that paragraph, is to convince the reviewer that this university and course best suits your plans for your future in relation to your current work experience and projected future requirements of professionals working in this field. Do not include a motivation discussion at this point. That should be in a separate essay called the motivation statement or motivation letter.

Scholarship / Msc Business analytics study in the UK and Universities - My Chevening Essay [2]

The most complete university discussion pertains only to the first university choice. The last 2 choices do not contain any reference to your foundational studies as an undergraduate student. You only refer to the future use of the course which, although useful, does not completely inform the reviewer. He has to be able to consider if you have a suitable undergraduate background to successfully undertake these courses. So the discussion of the uni foundation is not optional, it is a requirement for all 3 uni choice discussions. The reviewer doesn't care for the university ranking. Remove those ranking references and focus instead on convincing the reviewer that you have the proper college studies to warrant your success as a student in any of these 3 courses.

Scholarship / Community Empowerment Through Networking - Chevening networking essay. [2]

This is a useless enumeration of "supposed" and "assumed" networks. These are not so much networks, in the sense that Chevening is looking for as they are work related contacts. You are rushing through the explanation. You need to detail how the contact was developed thoroughly. How did you come to need this contact? Who introduced you to these organizations? Who did you work with directly (person or department)? There is a lack of reference to why you believe that this network will be noteworthy and of value to the program participants. Your network discussion needs more depth. It feels too shallow because of the lack of detailed networking reference. By the way, you really need to have this paper professionally edited. The grammar is not very good and often leads to uncertain declarations within the essay. These blurred references and word usage tend to create confusion for the reader.

Writing Feedback / Essay about healthy life in children [2]

Are you sure you used a timer when you wrote this essay? You have 326 words, the essay is too long to write in 40 minutes if you aim to keep the presentation errors free. You also do not prove that you can quickly explain yourself, clearly in the English language. That is why there is a 3-5 sentence limit in every paragraph presentation. You also fell into the trap of using a conjunction at the start of the sentence, which will lower your GRA score. More importantly, and this error could actually prevent you from getting a passing score, you failed to respond to the direct question in the original prompt. Where is the "extent" response? There isn't any.

Question: To what extent do you agree with this statement
Response: In my opinion, I believe that because of the fast speed development of social technology which tempts most children away from their healthy lifestyle. And to me, parents and school might play a critical role in forming their children's lifestyles.

Your opinion needs to be presented as a measured response such as "I disagree with this statement to the extent that both parents and schools play a critical role..." The on the other hand discussion is not required. It is not related to an extent response. You also need to avoid words of uncertainty that could make your opinion confusing or unclear to the examiner. phrases such as "might play" creates uncertainty and confusion for the reader. Might is an uncertain word and should not appear in a clearly written academic essay. The same goes for "In my opinion...". Saying "I believe" creates more clarity for the presented discussion.

Having reviewed the overall essay, I can tell you that you have not presented the essay in the required format. Therefore, there is a distinct possibility that this essay may not get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / The two diagrams given show the whole process of cement making and concrete production [3]

You are analyzing two different images in relation to two different productions processes. So rather than saying "cement making and concrete production", refer instead to, "... show the comparative process of cement making concrete production." Good work in the overview statement. You show a wide range of GRA skills from beginning to end in that paragraph and throughout the essay.

There are situations when you need to use an indefinite article in the presentations. For example, your reference to; "... machine called A crusher." This is a repeated error throughout your presentation. Kindly review the rules regarding when and how to use indefinite articles to prevent a repeat of this error in the future. Oh, one other thing, the word is "ground" not "grinded."That is an LR error. There is no such term.

As for concrete making, you need another sentence, at least, to achieve the required 3-5 sentence presentation per paragraph. Avoid the use of long sentences. That could force GRA errors on your part.

Writing Feedback / Essay about moving from another country to USA [2]

I assume that you have already completed the move from Vietnam to the USA. So you be saying : "... to the USA WAS a life changing experience." This is a basic grammar error that most ESL students make. This has to do with your lack of familiarity with past, present, and future tense usage. Watch out for that next time. For this essay, stick to the past tense usage such as "... I learned to adapt to..."

Note how in the second paragraph, you finally start to use the correct tense usage, past tense. However, the references are still uneven (... time zone MADE me sick...). In the second paragraph, when you discuss the difference between cultures, make that a separate paragraph as that is not related to the physical adjustments you had to make. The rule is, one topic per paragraph.

Avoid using conjunctions as sentence starters. The conjunctions like "because" need to connect a previous thought with another one. So using it at the start of a sentence in an academic presentation does not make any sense. There is no thought or idea to connect. The discussion about "In the beginning" should not be towards the end of the essay. That should be either the first or second presentation in this essay as it discusses the past yet again.

Writing Feedback / Food, drinks and tobacco spending - Cambridge 7 TEST 1 [2]

You always aim to write more than just the required word count. 152 words is just not enough writing for you to get maximum scoring considerations overall. The most effective scoring presentation lies between 175-190 words. Aim for that next time. There is a lack of analysis in the presentation. Your sentences try to compress too much information in one sentence, forcing a lack of clarity in your discussion. It does not appear to properly analyze the provided information. Use the expected paragraph writing format at all times (3-5 sentences) so that you can get better scoring results. Clarity is the key to a good scoring Task 1 essay.

Writing Feedback / Task 1: Bar chart (Timeline) - Annual average spending on 4 types of clothes per person in the US [3]

You can present the information in any way that you want, as long as all of the information from the chart is present. You actually spread out the information in an effective manner. Your summary overview provided 2 different trending statements, which made the presentation interesting. However, you have a 3rd trending statement at the end of the essay. You should not have more than one trending statement per presentation. The main problem with your presentation though is the uneven length. While you did present more than the minimum word count, your paragraphs do not reflect the uniform 3-5 sentence requirements. Most of your paragraphs are long, run-on sentences. The lack of analysis development per paragraph is what actually pulls down the presentation score for this essay.

Writing Feedback / Today's teenagers have more stressful lives than previous generation. Discuss and give opinion [3]

Try to focus less on the length of the essay / word count, and more on the avoidance of errors in your presentation. You have written too many words for this essay (332 words), which means you did not leave yourself enough time to review, revise the errors, and edit the content for clarity. You have clearly made several errors in the LR, GRA, and C&C sections of the scoring rubic. These errors, along with the improperly presented opening and concluding statements will prevent this essay from achieving a higher score.

This is only a 4 paragraph essay. You only need to provide one explanation of the public point of view, then another paragraph for your personal opinion. That is done over 4 paragraphs. Only a 2 public point of view + personal opinion essay requires you to present a 5 paragraph essay.

Use 1 reason for each paragraph that you can strongly discuss. Do not over discuss the essay as you did here. That will not serve a purpose. It only allows you to make more errors in your presentation. Until you train yourself to review your work prior to submission, you will not be able to avoid making these correctable errors. You must practice proof-reading your work so that you can score better, having revised the essay to avoid obvious scoring errors.

There are several times in the presentation when you started the sentences with conjunctions. Do not make this a practice because that is a GRA error. You should never start a sentence with a connecting word as there is no thought to connect since what precedes the sentence is a period. That punctuation mark indicates the end of a sentence statement. If you want to use a conjunction, then use a comma to connect the sentences. However, you should not use a comma to connect 2 unrelated thought sentences. All sentences using a comma and conjunction must clearly have a discussion reason relationship.

Scholarship / Pursuing a new challenge passionately -- GKS 2021 UNDERGRADUATE [3]

The personal statement has a specific set of questions that you need to discuss in essay form. The basic questions you need to respond to include:

- Motivation
- Educational and family background
- Community and other achievements
- Why you chose Korea
- Why each university?

You cannot refer to the age of 10 in this essay. Just introduce your family, without any dramatics. The dramatics are not required. This is a straightforward essay that does not win any additional points for your flair for the dramatics. Revise the essay, provide the required information rather than coming up with your own discussion points. If you want a chance to win this scholarship, focus on properly representing the required information. Not just what suits you.

Scholarship / Team Work is the best relationship - Networking skills for Chevening scholarship [3]

There is no reference as to how you plan to use these connections / networks in the future. That is a definite necessity for this essay and you have not provided it in any capacity. You academic network is good, but you have not justified how these networks have helped you in a professional capacity. The professional application is the most important aspect of the networking skills. Without it, your essay is not strong enough. In this case, you lack a strong networking reference. We need names of people, organizations they are connected with, or organizations you encountered and cultivated because of your line of work. The relevance of this network to Chevening requirements must be considered in the discussion. The network needs to be presented as follows:

- Name of the network
- How you came to know of the network
- How the network has helped you in your professional life ( Problem + Relevance of the network relationship + Solution to the problem as assisted by the network)

- Why this network may be of importance to the Chevening scholars (how you currently use the network + how you will use it in the future)

- How you plan to promote Chevening through the network.

Scholarship / Leaders of Change - Leadership skills for Chevening scholarship [4]

You show a potential as a leader, but you do not portray the skills of a leader strongly. The leadership undertakings you have are good, but lack the representation of your leadership potential, your leadership style. You have to explain how you handle conflict, in-fighting, obstacles to your projects, among others. Do not make the leadership experiences you have appear to be so light. You have to be more detailed. In fact, you can present one leadership experience if you want, just make sure that you highlight your leadership abilities within that situation. Make sure you represent your leadership traits and communication skills, as a true leader would. Some of the aspects you have to consider are:

- Patience
- Reliability
- Dependability
- Creativity
- Positivity
- Timely communication
- Team building
- Flexibility
- Risk-taking

You do not need to represent all of these characteristics in your essay. You need to pick one from leadership and one from communication. It will be impossible for you to represent all of these traits within a 500 word essay. Merely pick your strongest traits from the list and use that in a convincing manner in the leadership essay. Also, remember that when it comes to leadership, you should refer to I instead of we because "we" are not applying for the scholarship, "I" am. Therefore refer only to the leadership aspects that you were directly and successfully in charge of.

Undergraduate / BFA Photography and Video - Statement of Intent [4]

A statement of intent needs to prove that you are a qualified candidate for the course you hope to transfer to. Start with the comparison of the two universities and what drove your intention to switch schools. That is not clearly presented in this essay. In fact, it isn't mentioned at all. You have to clarify if you are intending to switch schools and courses or just switch schools. Consider also that your intentions need to be supported by your purpose and goals. Adding some information about your accomplishments as a photographer if you have any. They already know that you want to switch schools and perhaps courses. What they want to know more about are your academic and personal reasons for the move. However, they do not need an emotional explanation for the transfer. What you should be explaining with regards to your personal reasons, should relate to your professional considerations. How do you see yourself as a future photographer? What sort of personal fulfillment will you get if you are able to switch courses and schools? Tie together all of these reasons and you should have a more effective statement of intent.

Research Papers / Rough Draft on Climate Change - we have short time to react. [3]

You are making a hyperbolic claim in the first paragraph without first establishing the foundation for the claim. Where is the build up for reasons, explanations, facts and figures that will give credence to your claim that; "The worst impacts of climate change could be irreversible by the year 2030". As a scientific paper, you should be able to create a logical explanation prior to presenting your claim.

Your paper is actually more sensationalist in presentation rather than academic. It is all about making claims that are not properly supported by scientific, popular, or personal research information for the most part. There are no properly in-text citations in the essay that will help to establish the validity of your "quoted" information. That means you are opening your paper up to plagiarism claims. Always remember, if you have a citation page, you need to cite the same references in relation to the information that you used in the presentation.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Is it good for school and university students to take part in a part-time job? [6]

You have to learn how to discern between a single opinion and multi-opinion discussion essay. This is a multi-discussion essay composed of 3 paragraphs that discuss:

- Some people believe it is a good idea for students to work part time to ensure better opportunities in future.
-Others are of the opinion, job during study distracts the individual.
- give your opinion

You are missing 2 out of the 3 discussion paragraph requirements. That means, the essay cannot get a passing score. You have to clearly discuss each public point of view, using public opinions and examples, before you formulate and present your opinion. Based on your current presentation, you focused solely on explaining your personal opinion. That is not how this essay works. Use third person pronouns for the first 2 discussion points before using the first person pronoun when discussing your personal opinion.

Undergraduate / Tell us about who you are; I have the will and patience it takes to make a strong individual. [4]

The essay asks you to choose between your friends or community for the second description regarding how other people view you. Therefore, your essay should present the stronger opinion in the discussion. Pick one. The current presentation regarding your friends opinion of who you are isn't as strong as the one about the community member. It would be better if you use your family description along with the one from Herv because that creates a personal opinion of who you are based on a community setting. What makes it strong is that you are discussing how someone from a community club, a social club, describes you. That means, it shows how you function in a social setting. That is what makes it influential in this presentation. It gives the reviewer an idea of how you might function as a college student in a community setting.

Graduate / My SOP for admission into Msc linguistics [2]

The minimal requirement for a masters degree student is 2 years worth of professional experience. You have to discuss the work experience you have had in relation to linguistics, your failures and successes. These should combine to create the purpose for your studies. It is the purpose for the studies that you should be discussing in this essay. This is not an essay about the development of your interest. That should be discussed in the personal statement. What you can do is use this essay as your personal statement then write a new SOP that properly reflects the requirements for that essay.

For the SOP, you will need to:

- State a clear motivation for your higher studies
- Justify your work experience in relation to your chosen course
- Explain the supporting undergraduate courses you have taken that prepared you for this course
- Project how completing these studies will allow you advance your career plans
- Detail why you chose the course at the university / Add a relationship between your course and why the reasons you chose the university

These are the commonly required information that can help you create an acceptable SOP.

Writing Feedback / IELTS PART 2- Being a well-known personality - benefits or disadvantages? [3]

The essay is for a Task 2 test. However, it does not follow the format of a task 2 essay. You have written too many words for this test. The requirement is anywhere from 275-290 words only. You may run out of time to edit the essay when writing 339 words. You need to make sure that you have time to check if you followed the format for the response and, if you were able to avoid making any marked errors within the presentation.

This essay should have a 4 paragraph format composed of 3-5 sentences each. It should be shown as follows:

Par. 1: Prompt paraphrase + question response
Par. 2: Reason 1 discussion
Par. 3: Reason 2 discussion
Par. 4: Concluding paraphrase

This means, your essay is missing the first paragraph requirement. There is no clear paraphrase and reasoning topics presentation. You launched into an immediate discussion, which is a no-no in this essay. Follow the required format or risk getting a heavy TA score deduction. The discussion should contain only 2 paragraphs in support of your opinion. This is not a comparative discussion. Make your opinion clear by offering support solely for your opinion. There is no sense in using a comparative discussion because that will affect your TA score as your opinion will become unclear to the examiner.

Writing Feedback / The chart below gives information about Southland's main exports in 2000, *20.., and future projecti [2]

Review your time references. You are talking about the current year of 2020 in the presentation. So that should be using the present tense reference :

it reaches a peak of 10 billion pounds presently - It has presently peaked at...
The tourism business has regularly increased to 9 billion pounds in 2020. - The tourism business increase to ...

Then the future tense usage:
... revenue skyrockets to ... - tourism revenue WILL skyrocket to...
... sales of dairy and meat products witness - ... product WILL witness

Use anticipatory references since the events and projects are yet to happen. Always remember to double check your time frame references because your GRA score will suffer when you do not use the correct time references. It produces incorrect grammar on your part. Review the lessons regarding what type of tense usage to use for various time frames. Practice sentence in relation to that will help you perfect that part of your writing.

Scholarship / Networking is all about connecting people with meaningful ideas for growth--Chevening scholarship. [5]

Truth be told, this is more of a leadership essay than a networking essay. The NYSC embodies the development of future Nigerian leaders. Your experience, as narrated here, is more attuned to the leadership requirements of the Chevening application. The networking reference is not really considerable. A networking essay is dependent upon your own training using seminars, training, and other occasions when you were able to interact with other people, within the same line of work or work requirements, who are able to assist you in further developing your skills, helped you in resolving a problematic work situation, or allowed you move from one job to another.

The networking essay needs to show its usefulness to your current career. Refer to how you envision these networks helping the graduates, current, and future students of Chevening. Convince the reviewer that you have such an effective network, the scholarship committee would be foolish to not consider your application.

Writing Feedback / The natural resources are consumed at an ever-increased rate. What are the dangers and solutions? [2]

Be conscious of your word count. While writing more than 300 words is admirable, it shows fast you can type, it doesn't necessarily translate into a good score for you. In this particular presentation, you have problems with the C&C scoring section along with the LR section of the presentation. In the LR section, you need to understand that in this type of discussion, adjectives that can add impact to your presentation can help increase the clarity and cohesiveness of your presentation. To further add to your sentence clarity, use simpler words whenever possible. While you do use somewhat advanced English word references, these words do not feel natural in the sentence. It looks more like you are trying to impress the examiner rather than actually aiming to simply make the sentence understandable. In some sentences such as:

YV: This is reflected in the fact that natural resources are increasingly consumed by people
BB: ... people increasingly consumes natural resources

Indicating who the is doing the action is important to that the reader because it will indicate who or what you are referring to.

You need to review your plural rules:

is likely - are likely

Your paragraphs should only contain one topic per paragraph reference for clarity purposes. It is the unrelated discussions in the same paragraphs that make your discussion non-cohesive. You have to present the second topic in a separate paragraph. If you review the first reasoning paragraph, you will see that you have over written the information. Once an essay has more than 1 topic per presentation, the reader will find it difficult to follow the flow of thought and understand what the actual point of the discussion is.

Always use 3-5 sentences per paragraph for clarity and GRA purposes. Your concluding sentence is a run on. It has to be separated into individual sentences. Again, if you do not show that you are capable of writing proper English sentences, your GRA score will be greatly affected. Use the opportunity to highlight your usage of other punctuation marks as well. Just to show that you know how to create complex and simple sentences in a balanced manner, within the same paragraph.

Scholarship / Studying media and communications - KGSP Undergraduate 2021 Personal Statement help [2]

As an undergraduate essay, you have not been able to satisfy the personal statement requirements for this written interview. Your first paragraph is a throw away. It does not connect with the rest of the essay discussion points you have presented. It should be deleted from the presentation. You have an acceptable motivational statement in the presentation. However, you have failed to offer a more substantive discussion of your academic and extra curricular interests in relation to Media and Communications.

You are also missing reference paragraphs to your family background. You cannot refer only to your sister. You need an overall representation of your family dynamic. The relationship that has helped you become the person you are today. How has your relationship with them prepared you to study abroad? That is one discussion topic you can use for that paragraph.

Your reference to an academic background lacking. There are no notable academic accomplishments to help indicate your potential as a scholar. You have spoken of some extra curricular activities, but none are impressive enough to make you stand out as a potential scholar in this course major. Review the personal statement discussion guide. Compare it to your current presentation. You will see which areas as missing, as I have pointed out above, and what areas of this presentation can be deleted due to irrelevance. Make sure you cover the discussion topics as required. If you discuss information that isn't really required in the instructions, it may have an adverse effect on your essay. Remember, the requirements are there for a reason. Those are the information the reviewer will use to assess your potential as a scholar.

Scholarship / How the media honed my interest in languages- Study Plan GKS 2021 undergradute scholarships [3]

The language study plan asks you to focus on several language skills development areas, Hangul, English, and a third language of your choice. You are not being limited in your desire to become a linguist while a student in Korea so do not focus on Hangul learning alone. Add 2 more business languages to the discussion. Say you want to learn English and Mandarin. You can also say English and Fookien, or even Cantonese. Since you are going to be studying in Asia, you should add a secondary Asian language to the mix. One that is notable in business. So any of the Chinese variations will be acceptable. You may also decide to study Nippongo or Nihongo, which is a Japanese language, also used in Business. English, by default is the international language of business so you must indicate that as your secondary language of learning. Make the essay more impressive, expand your language learning potential. The language study plan will become more impressive if you do that.

Writing Feedback / What are the benefits of pursuing university education? [4]

Did you write this essay for a Task 2 essay or for an English class? The presentation is really too short for a formal writing essay. It should be at least 250 words. You only wrote 189 words. That is equivalent to yes, only one paragraph. However, your paragraph is not effectively written as you combine various topics in one presentation. Such a confusing presentation makes it difficult for the reader to follow your train of thought. From the way I read your essay, you should have about 4 paragraphs for this topic. These 4 paragraphs should have been properly developed as individual paragraphs. Since the topics are not clearly discussed, your presentation is heavily under developed and requires further improvement.

Kindly remember to post at least the type of essay you are writing for next time so that I can have a better idea of how to professionally review your presentation. Giving the original prompt requirement for my reference would be best. It will tell me all I need to know about analyzing your work beyond a simple review as I am doing now. By the way you have mistakes in spelling and grammar within this presentation. It isn't so bad though, I still understood what you have to say. It is just that, you will be scored on grammar in the actual test and even the least of errors can pull your score down.

Writing Feedback / SPORT CHAMPIONS ARE COMMERCIALIZED THESE DAYS [2]

Do not use English phrases that will tend to confuse your reader or, appear to have incorrect grammar. Avoid using memorized, but incorrectly used phrases such as "Having throwback to the bygone days". You could have simply stated that; "Sports champions used to be..." For clarity purposes, always use topic sentences rather than long winded phrases that do not help to get a clear message across to the reader. Always remember than an essay must come with a thesis sentence at the end of the introductory paragraph. Therefor, rather than saying "This essay will present..." You should state the topic of the discussion clearly which is "The message that this sends to younger athletes is... which has affected their attitude for sports in a negative manner because..."

Do not commence anything. Simply continue the discussion. You will find that academic essays do not require the use of so many word fillers, and that it is easier to write the discussion when you focus only on the topic for discussion. Avoiding unnecessary word usage will help you get a better score. Had you focused on the actual academic clarity of the presentation instead of the word count, you would have avoided spelling, , as well as clarity and cohesion errors. All of which you neglected to find and correct in this essay that you wrote.