Writing Feedback / The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development [3]

You need to use a 3 paragraph presentation format for this essay. There is a 5 sentence maximum for each presentation paragraph. So the summary overview should be 3-5 sentences, then the same for the next 2 paragraphs. However, you presented a 2 paragraph essay with one under developed presentation (summary overview) as it is a run-on sentence. You need to make sure to represent the information within the required format. The second paragraph should have been cut at the presentation for the Microsoft company and Apply Corporation.

The main problem with your presentation is that you have extremely long sentences. You have to learn to divide the presentations into individual sentences. One idea per sentence. Otherwise, the run-on sentences do not make so much sense to the reader. Compressing information is never advised in the Task 1 essay as you are scored on the clarity of your analysis of the information provided.

Scholarship / The combination of target and skill for networking - my Chevening essay [2]

You hve shown how you develop your network, but you have not explained how these networks have helped you fulfill tasks within your designated position/s. You have to convince the Chevening reviewer that you have a unique network of professional contacts whose vast experience in the field will be helpful to you and to the alumna of the scholarship program. You have to explain how you plan to share this network, build your network as a Chevening scholar, and then explain how you will propagate Chevening in your home country using the same networks. You don't really relay that information convincingly in this essay. You can revise your essay to more appropriately convey the importance of your network within your job requirements. Be specific about which networks you used, why, and what the outcome of that networking effort was.

Scholarship / The head of lab - My leadership Chevening essay writing [4]

Please do not access links outside of this forum. The owners of this forum will not be responsible for any damage that your system might incur from accessing exterior sites.

Your leadership skills in college fall more under the liaison officer responsibilities instead of actual leadership skills. You cannot mask the different between the two because you collected money, contacted other people to make the project happen, all tasks of a liaison officer.

The leadership essay requires more than just your enumerating your job descriptions. You need to actually show leadership skills. Your professional experience is not really impressive. It is not important enough in terms of tasks and duty fulfillment for it to make an impression on the reviewer. You need to develop a better essay that shows true leadership skills and potential for growth as a leader within the community or on a national scale.

Scholarship / A relationship between Mexican and Korean culture - GKS Undergraduate Personal Statement [2]

Your essay is weak in the sense that you do not have a representation of the following information:

- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.

Since you failed to represent the last 3 parts of the essay, your application is not strong. A reference to a friend who went to Korea and Hallyu, even the mention of Samsung and LG are not enough to cover for the fact that you lack the academic and social achievements required by the scholarship of their candidates. You must work on properly representing those information if you are to have a better chance at passing the first round of considerations.

Graduate / SOP; The perfect fit. The Data Science and Analytics program is what I am looking for. [2]

This better be only a partially written SOP because if this is your full SOP, then you have a problem. It does not accurately highlight the purpose of your interest in this course. How long have you been on the job exactly? The masters courses often require the applicants to have at least 2 years work experience. I do not see anything in this essay that will tell me you will pass the professional qualification section.

You have no clear explanation regarding the purpose for these studies. What is the professional requirement for this course in your line of work? Why did you decide to study this course based upon your professional requirements and future career plans? Truth be told, this sounds more like a college personal statement instead of a statement of purpose for a masters course.

The statement of purpose should represent:
- A personal goal for these studies
- A professional application
- A quick explanation of your undergraduate foundation that prepared you for this course
- An idea as to how this course will help improve your career potential
- The reason why you chose the course and university based on actual curriculum information and other information

Like I said, this should only be a draft and not the final essay on your part. You still have a long way to go in terms of editing the paper before you achieve the final version of your presentation.

Undergraduate / India and children future - Tell us about who you are [3]

I do not really see any rebellion in this presentation. Unless you mean that you rebelled by going against the norm with regards to the education you wish to receive in college. Being unorthodox is not the same as being a rebel. By the way, you should not capitalize the word "am" since it isn't a proper noun. I do not see the connection between being a rebel, your choice of a college course, and your public speaking embarrassment. You need to reassess this presentation to focus on something that will really depict you as a rebel. As of now, there is no rebellion in the presentation at all. So the title and the discussion do not match. That could pose a problem for you during the review process.

Writing Feedback / Where are we heading in the imbalance ecology? Writing sample for postgraduate admittance-review [3]

You have to review your presentation for timeline differences. You are inconsistent in your presentation. As all of these events have already happened, then you should consistently use the past tense presentation of all words and events. In this essay, you are constantly moving from past to present information, making it an uneven and confusing read. You have to be consistent in your timeline to help the reader gain a clarity in your presentation and make your explanations more understandable to the reader. Unless you fix the timeline problem, the essay will be highly confusing to follow for the reader. Since this is an article for public reading, you have to make sure that the editor will not reject it based on grammatical errors alone. You have to make sure that you have properly proof read your presentation and you have corrected all grammatical errors. You should also consider getting a professional editor to review and suggest possible sentence and paragraph edits to your work.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 ielts - Different views about what top priorities of our government should be [3]

There is a problem with your paraphrase. The original prompt indicates that other people have the opinion that other types of progress are also important for a country. However, in your presentation, you discussed this as a personal point of view. Thereby cancelling the original prompt representation. Your paraphrase is therefore incorrect and will be scored as not being in line with the original prompt. You will get a low TA score because of this error. This is a 2 public point of view + personal opinion discussion. You converted it to a personal point of view discussion. An additional incorrect representation that will further limit the scoring potential of this presentation.

Scholarship / High school science fair - Questbridge Proudest Achievement Short Answer [2]

While I can see why you would want to present both achievements in this short response statement, there is a problem with this presentation. You should be picking only 1 of the 2 accomplishments to present. You should pick the achievement that says the most about your drive as a student and your desire to succeed. Perhaps it is the Gwinnet Regional Science and Engineering Fair that you should be expanding in this discussion? Base upon what I have read, it appears that this is the achievement that would best depict you as a potential college student. It shows several moments when you might have given up, but then you didn't. So a fuller discussion of this topic might be the best response to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Career (Both views) - youngsters should be more realistic and think more about the future [4]

Again with this "hotly debated topic". There is no debate presented in any Task 2 presentation. These are mere opinions for discussion. Additionally, "a hotly debated topic" is already considered a memorized phrase among the test takers. This is the most common phrase used when the student wants to over emphasize a discussion. Therefore, a reference to such must be avoided since it has the ability to lower your TA score.

As this is a point of view comparison essay, you should not be presenting your opinion at the very start of the discussion. That is because the personal opinion discussion is built upon the comparative presentation of reasons in support of each topic. It is a 5 paragraph essay that should have been stated as:

Par. 1: Paraphrase
Par. 2: POV 1 + explanation
Par. 3: POV 2 + explanation
Par. 4: Personal POV + explanation (which of the 2 opinions you support and why)
Par. 5: Concluding paraphrase

As you can see, your essay is missing the concluding paraphrase. Most students make the mistake of presenting their personal opinion as the conclusion of the essay. That leaves you with an open ended discussion, rather than a concluded discussion. So your essay cannot, at this point, achieve your target band mark.

Writing Feedback / The qualities a person needs to become successful in today's world cannot be learned at a University [2]

You have to remember that the examiner will not accept exaggerations in your presentations. There are no debates indicated in the original discussion. Therefore, you should have used the term "discussion" instead as that connotes an exchange of ideas closer to the original prompt. You should also make the essay sound more natural by using more common English terminology. Everyday English words will suffice. Words like "intrinsic factor" and "main element of success", or one inborn with the golden key" are not everyday words. The latter being a memorized English phrase that is over used and often exaggerated in the presentation.

You cannot say, "Regarding the importance of networking", you cannot refer to it as "Regarding" when you never mentioned it before. You only mentioned "luck" as having a part to play in the success of a person, you never mentioned networking. So there is a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your reasoning presentations. These need to directly relate to one another. You cannot present a discussion topic as an after thought.

In the concluding paraphrase, you are offering an opinion in the last sentence. Since you were not asked for an opinion relating to how success can be viewed, you should not say with certainty that this is the way for a person to reach success in life. You should only be stating comments relating to the education factor as presented in the essay topic. Sadly, this sort of presentation, though long, is not yet worthy of a 7 or 7.5.

Writing Feedback / writing task 2 - Should students work during high school years? [3]

Your presentation has several problems in the first paragraph. The first problem, is that you have improperly formatted your sentences, leading to a lower GRA score. Second, although you present a proper measured response, you should be telling the reader your reasons instead of just repeating the last part of the original prompt. In fact, you did a very poor job in the restatement as you still used certain original prompt keywords. You should always make sure that you do not repeat the use of the original words as you can lose points for using cut and paste or memorized phrases.

Do not say; "For a variety of reasons" in your opening statement. You have to understand that the reasoning sentence will score better once you use topic sentences. It is important to use a topic sentence that actually relates to the discussion topic for that paragraph. In your first reasoning sentence, you are wasting 2 opening sentences because you are not using information there that can move the discussion forward. Each sentence in your presentation should be utilized in a method that helps to increase the clarity of your discussion and add to the information of the reader. Do not waste the word count on word fillers. The word fillers will not increase your score.

You cannot use 2 punctuation marks successively. Either use a comma or use the ellipses. You will lose GRA points with that error. It shows a lack of understanding of the English grammar and sentence structure rules.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Environment - Problems and Solutions [4]

Your presentation is uneven and incomplete. You are being asked for 2 ways that we damage the environment and suggestions as to how the public and the government can fix the problem. The discussion approach per paragraph should have been:

Sentence 1: Method by which humans damage the environment
Sentence 2: Why this damages the environment
Sentence 3: What the government can do to solve the problem
Sentence 4: What people can do to help the government solve the problem
Sentence 5: Transition sentence (optional)

Note that the discussion asks for plural reasons and solutions. Therefore, you should present 2 problems in the 2 reasoning paragraphs, properly developed to reflect the information I provided above. That is the presentation that will allow you to present a clear and related series of discussion sentences in every paragraph. That is the correct format for the discussion.

Undergraduate / Nigeria - Educational resources and opportunities - My personal essay for common application [3]

I am not really clear on the point of this essay. Since you did not provide the common app prompt that you are responding to, it is difficult for me to decide how to properly direct this essay. It is a confusing mix of your father's story, female rights and empowerment and your personal story. While all of these factors make for an interesting read, I am not sure how it best applies to your application. How exactly did you plan to use this essay? There is no clear point in the writing. What exactly are you trying to prove? If I knew what the prompt you are responding to was, I would be able to better direct the discussion you are presenting. As of now, I am not sure how all of these information ties together and, I am sure the reviewer will have the same problem upon reading your work.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 ielts - Many countries nowaday have population with more young people than old people [6]

You are offering an opinion in the prompt paraphrase section. If you review the original prompt, there is no requirement for you to present a personal opinion. You were not asked to do that. So the discussion presentation should not offer a personal opinion. Not in the prompt paraphrase section, not in the actual essay, not in the conclusion.

There is one question being asked in the essay "Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?" So your response is simple. You said "The advantages outweigh the disadvantages." Therefore, in your reasoning paragraphs, you should have presented 2 reasons why the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. You should not have compared the advantages and disadvantages because that is not the discussion instruction. It is not the presentation requirement either. Therefore, your essay does not follow the required format for this discussion.

Due to the incorrect discussion format, you will receive notable penalties in terms of discussion errors and deducted word count. Only the paragraphs that pertain to your actual discussion response will be scored and graded. Anything not pertaining to it will not be considered as a part of the discussion by the examiner. Your essay is not in accordance with the formatting requirements and response expectation. Therefore, you have not written an essay that falls under the proper guidelines for the presentation.

Scholarship / "How I quit avoiding my family's issue" - Questbridge Biographical essay [3]

The creative writing piece is confusing. There are too many scenes, too many thought presentations, too much dialogue that lacks foundations for clarity, too much information that doesn't have a strong backstory. You have tried to hard to impress the reviewer, failing to do so in the process.

Leave out the conversation with your friend. You are not writing a novel. You do not have the time to process sub-stories. Focus instead on the disintegration of your family. Focus on how it affected your siblings. Discuss how your father broke the news to you and how you felt at that point. It should not be as simple as you just saying; "Just divorce already." There are several aspects your essay needs to cover if you want to convince the reviewer of your maturity

- How you accepted the collapse of the family
- How you dealt with the events pre and post collapse
- How your siblings reacted and how you helped them get through the situation
- How or who helped you understand what was going on
- Explain how initiative and responsibility developed through these events.

Even situation you present should clearly show a personal growth or development. You don't have to state it, it just has to be seen. Make it evident in the way that you tell the story. That will help you better meet the 3 tips.

Writing Feedback / Number of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University [4]

In the summary overview, you could have avoided using the word "evidently" as the word "diverged" is clear enough. Do not over emphasize in your presentations as this could lead to incorrect grammar usage (e.g. diverged evidently), which may affect the GRA score for the task 1 essay. You should also avoid over used English phrases such as "more and more". Use a more academic term such as "continued to increase" or "continued to enter universities."

"Much more" is redundant. Use "more" instead. Most of your errors in this presentation, as far as I can tell, have to do more with English fluency than anything else. You are over using English phrases which do not really apply to the presentation such as; "by which Greece was overtaken" ( correcty: in 2007, after which, Greece was over taken...). Another GRA error that screams on the page is "The enrollment of Iranian students growed (grew) in parallel to..."

At this point, you need to focus on polishing your sentence structures and grammar. You need to sound natural. Don't over do the presentation by using the tired phrases and word references. Be careful in your tense usage as well. You can relax though, even with these errors, I am confident that you will get a higher than average passing score in the Task 1 test.

Writing Feedback / Solutions to address traffic and environmental issues [2]

Do not leave your opening paraphrase hanging. You already said that you disagree with the point of view, so the next question is, why? You have 2 sentences in the opening paraphrase to state your supporting reasons as a part of the TA score. So, after you restate the topic and reasons, then providing your measured opinion, tell the examiner why. That way you can immediately use the topic sentences to start your reasoning paragraphs. This will keep the essay short, focused, and clear in discussion to the examiner.

This is not a comparison essay. So you will only receive a score for the paragraphs that support your given opinion. The problem with that is, you will have word deductions for the paragraph that does not support your opinion explanation. This is why I caution students and ask them to avoid using comparative discussions in single opinion essay presentations. If you fall under the minimum word count, after the non-related discussion paragraph is removed, then you risk not getting a passing score in the overall scoring consideration.

Kindly avoid writing long sentences that tend to compress various discussion topics into one sentence. That creates incoherent sentence presentations. Always maximize the 3-5 sentence allowance per paragraph. Using one idea per sentence helps to clarify the discussion and in the process, increase your C&C score as well.

Writing Feedback / Internet technology means we don't need to travel to foreign countries to understand how others live [2]

There is an error in your task accuracy rendition within the prompt restatement. The question is: To what extent do you agree or disagree? Your response was that of an agreement, based on a comparative discussion since you agree but disagree with the given statement. This is only a single opinion essay, so you need to pick the extent of your support to one of the given opinions. Either you agree (to a certain extent) with the statement or you disagree (using a measured response) with the thought provided. You cannot discuss both opinions because you are provided with a single opinion choice through the word "or".

As such, your overall response format is incorrect. Like I said, this is not a comparative discussion, which is what you did. Therefore, your discussion does not provide a clear opinion, as required by the single opinion discussion requirement. You will lose tremendous TA percentage scores because of that lack of clarity in your discussion. Pick one side and discuss it. Otherwise, you could end up failing the test.

I am predicting a test failure for you with this essay because, aside from the incorrect response format, you also have other errors in the presentation. A quick scan of your visible errors include LR and GRA errors. All of which will combine with your low TA score, resulting in a lower than expected overall score.

Scholarship / Struggled to find the purpose of life - Essay for KGSP Undergraduate 2021 [3]

Your essay doesn't really have the focus on the prompt requirements that I was expecting to read. If you want to go to business school then focus the essay on that motivation. Do not keep jumping around through various interests. Either focus the motivation business, tourism and hospitality, or dance. You have to understand, there has to be a sense of continuity and relevance to your discussion. So make sure you know what major you really want to pursue and then discuss the foundation of your activities, exposure, and other considerations to the course. The discussion about your parents does not prove any influence they have had on you and how they have supported your desire to pursue a particular career. Your discussion about your interests should also focus on your high school interests. Reviewers cannot really take you seriously when you indicate age ranges as early as 2 years old. It would do you well to review the other personal statements for the GKS scholarship that are available here. You should be able to write a better and more relevant essay if you change your essay based upon the approach of others and the advice given to them for their own essay improvements.

Undergraduate / College Essay about meeting my dad [2]

Well this story really gets the reviewer into a part of your life that the other prompts may not have allowed for. I am guessing that you wrote this essay in response to to the background prompt? It is really engaging to read this story. It helps the reviewer get to know your background, the circumstances under which you were raised, and how certain events in your life have helped you develop a maturity that shows a readiness to face the unexpected and make independent decisions which you own up to. I wish though, that you had a longer discussion regarding how this experience changed you. The backstory is interesting, but you allotted too much time to that discussion, almost making the actual purpose of the essay an after thought. Revise the essay to allow you to better discuss your development based on the series of events leading up to meeting your father. It should help the essay come full circle in the end.

Undergraduate / Hard-working, analytical, intellectual - Application essay from an international student. [5]

Whether or not you believe in the way that other people describe you is not an issue or consideration for this prompt. You should be finding a way to say that you believe in the way that other people see you. You can indicate that you are pleased and proud of the way they see you as a person, offspring, and friend because there is a secret behind the way they see you. Then emphasize that it is this secret that you are actually proud of. Use the anxiety as the hook for your story. If you can somehow present the anxiety first, and then the way other people view you second, the essay should be more interesting to read as it will have fully utilized an interesting hook at the start.

Graduate / Autoimmune Disease has shaped my relationship with Medicine - Perfusion school essay [3]

You have to make sure that your personal statement is more attuned to the required elements of their program. That way your personal statement has a unique sense of relevance to the reviewer. Since this is a medical study program, your personal experience with an illness and how it helped you develop your interest will help your personal statement. However, I feel that you have over discussed the essay towards the middle part. The essay kind of lost focus because you tried to cover too much in the personal statement. Focus only on the important aspects:

- The reason you developed an interest in medicine
- How you have prepared yourself to take this course
- Why you chose this university and course in particular.

The university and course choice is too simple in this presentation. It should have more weight and carry more relevance in relation to your personal medical interests. The health insurance reference doesn't feel like a natural addition to this essay. It feels like you just suddenly decided to throw that in there to lengthen the essay. It doesn't add an interesting element to the discussion.

Graduate / Thoughts about my MS Data Science Statement of Purpose [3]

For the statement of purpose, you need to go beyond your childhood interests and undergraduate training. Since you are enrolling for a masters course, the first thing you have to prove to the reviewer is that you have the professional experience to assist you as a student. The professional requirement is oftentimes a minimum of 2 years. That is unless you are going into a masters course that does not require work experience as a part of the student qualifications.

You need to convince the reviewer that you have the following foundation in your statement of purpose:
- A professional purpose for your desire to study this course. This could be a desire to improve the current field in your country, a plan to change careers, or part of your training for future promotion

- Explain your relevant educational background based on course requirements of the masters course. Discuss your grades in relation to the subjects you know are relevant to the masters course. Offer an explanation of any low scores you might have and why you believe relevant on the job training has overcome that for you.

- Explain your relevant work experience and how it has prepared you to complete the course. Mention the series of employers you may have had and your work in relation to your time with them.

- If this is a thesis based course, try to explain what your topic will be about and why you believe this research you will be doing shall be of relevance to your course choice, work requirements, and improvement of Data Science in general.

- Discuss why you chose the university and the course. Offer an insight that shows you truly considered the educational possibilities at the university. Cover the course curriculum and training (if any) that will be highly relevant and useful upon your return to work.

Once you focus the essay on the proper requirements for a statement of purpose, the written interview should have information that will work in your favor during the applicant consideration process.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays students have more opportunities to study abroad - whats your view on this? [3]

Your first sentence in the paraphrased introduction does not offer the information as stated in the original. You added information about quality of life, which is not supported in the original presentation. You need to make sure that you do not add information to the presentation because it changes the accuracy of your topic explanation, which is scored in your TA score. You should have simply stated the new version focusing on the discussion topic of students studying abroad instead of their own country.

Your reasoning paragraphs are not evenly developed. Your 2 advantage reasons are far better explained than the disadvantage reasons. If you offer 2 advantages, then offer 2 disadvantages as well. Yes, you did offer 2 disadvantages, but neither were as fully explained as your advantage reasons. So the second reasoning paragraph would be considered under developed in this instance, affecting the C&C score of your essay.

I apologize but I cannot score your essay because that is no longer a free service offered by the forum. To get a scoring based review, you need to make this thread urgent or use our private review service.

Warning! Student scoring = Ban

Scholarship / Future of dreams - Personal statment for GKS 2020 [2]

This would have been a truly useful personal statement or motivational essay had you been applying for a different scholarship. You forgot that the GKS scholarship has specific requirements for their personal statement. These required information are clearly outline in the application form as follows:

Based on those discussion requirements, the reviewer is going to question why you did not provide the information that was asked for in your presentation. Since your information is not part of the required considerations, the reviewer may choose to set this application aside, having learned nothing about you that he could use to consider your application. Yes, your application can be rejected immediately for not following the prompt instructions.

Early technological developments helped people and changed their lives more than recent development

- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.

Of the 5 requirements, your current essay only provides information for the 3rd and 4th requirements. Everything else, does not show up. Therefore, the essay does not provide the complete information needed to review your application. It would be best for you to consider the all information that will be needed to consider your application and provide it in the essay that you will be writing in place of this one. You can keep this essay to use at a different scholarship or as part of the application essays required at specific universities. You cannot use this for the scholarship application.

Scholarship / "My family's influence on my outlook on life" - Questbridge Prompt [3]

Do not focus on the individual life stories in your presentation. The reviewer doesn't care for that. However, he does care about how your parents and siblings have affected your outlook or helped you develop as a potential college student based on 3 representations:

- Personal and emotional development
- Intellectual and social development
- A specific point of view about life that shows a maturity in your way of thinking

Never forget the target, to show the reviewer that your family has helped you become a mature, responsible, and socially aware person. Once you accomplish that, the essay should work to your benefit as an applicant.

While the story of your parents and siblings are lovely to read, it doesn't add to the image of the reviewer of you as a person, sibling, and student. Those are the aspects of your family's influence that will be of the most interest to him and, will also be the most useful information that may convince him that you are ready to separate from your family ties and start life as an independent, mature, and responsible college student.

Writing Feedback / Early technological developments helped people and changed their lives more than recent development [2]

I cannot say that this essay will get a passing score. You see, the minimum word requirement for the Task 2 essay is 250 words. There are percentage points deductions applied when you write less than that number of words. Since you wrote only 223 words, the essay will struggle to achieve a passing score. Add to this problem the fact that you did not appropriately accomplish the TA requirements, you should be able to understand why the essay is not really going to achieve a passing mark.

For starters, this is an extent essay. It is not a simple agree or disagree question you are responding to. In the response sentence, you have to make sure that you provide an extent response. The extent response should either indicate an emotional strength of your dis/agreement (I strongly...) or, a measured response based on reasoning topics (I dis/agree with this statement to the extent that ....)

When you disagree with the statement, you need to prove your point by showcasing 2 reasoning paragraphs that deal with 2 reasons for your opinion. Based on your personal understanding of the situation, you should provide an explanation that will help support your opinion. Do not compare the two points of view because this is not an A/D or P/N discussion essay. This is a straightforward single opinion explanation in support of your chosen opinion.

Build your opinion through explanations. Aim to write between 275-290 words. Use the conclusion to properly remind the people of the given topic, your opinions, and why you believe your opinion is correct.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay to highlight socio-economic development of Nigeria, leadership initiatives and com [2]

Rather than simply saying this is URGENT, you should have taken steps to mark this as URGENT in our system so that you can get extra help. As of now, I am not even sure how to review this essay because you did not provide the prompt requirements for it. I do not know if this is a motivational statement, a personal statement, statement of purpose, or what. Without knowing what the writing instructions are, I cannot help you edit this essay.

Your father's statement is too simple to have made such a definitive impact upon you. There is no evidence in this writing that such a simple statement would spur you to great lengths. If you present something too simply in the essay, it will not be believable to the reviewer. By the way, an academic essay never uses the term "etc." in its presentation. That is simply a rude term to use in a formal written setting. It shows a lack of respect for the reviewer. Since you did not portray yourself as an academic leader with accomplishments to cite, the reviewer will not be confident that you actually have the capabilities with which to accomplish the masters course requirements. In fact, you should be highlighting at least 2 years work experience in that case. After all, you are no longer a student seeking ways to get a job. You already have the job, the masters course should help you keep your job or increase your employee skills profile.

I really cannot review your essay past this stage without knowing the type of essay that you are writing and what scholarship you are writing it for. Every scholarship statement has a specific requirement and every scholarship grant looks for something specific in their students. So without knowing the kind of scholarship and what essay in particular you are writing, I cannot really direct your essay any further in terms of editing and improvement.

Scholarship / What inspires me / education - QuestBridge Scholarship Essay [2]

I think you should not focus so much on the backstory. Setting up the scene at home after you come home from school takes too much of the word count but doesn't add to the context by which you grew up in. Try to shorten it and get to the fighting parents part sooner. That way, you will have extra word count to develop the aspects regarding your aspirations in life.

For example, you can explain the circumstances that led to your first laptop. Since that is something you mentioned, it must be important. What is the story behind that? How did your interest in STEM develop? You mentioned you want to increase the female presence in the field. Again, tell the story. How did you fall into STEM? Why do you think it is important to increase female representation in that field? How does that form an aspiration for you? Why?

Scholarship / "Nothing can beat Experience" Intl. Relations/Media & Com. Personal Statement for GKS-U Scholarship [2]

This is not marked as URGENT in our system, no matter how many times you say it is URGENT. It will only receive limited advice and review from me as it is not a real URGENT posting. It shall be treated like all other ordinary postings at this forum. It will not receive special review because you have not followed the proper process for making a post URGENT in our system.

The first half of your essay is irrelevant to the motivational aspect. It also fails to properly discuss your family background. It is just long, bragging, but not really informative when it comes to the prompt requirements.

Outlining your social activities does nothing for this essay. The importance of that section comes from the activities that have helped build your personality. Which activities prove that you are a mature person, ready to be separated from your parents, and face a world far different from your own? How do you fare under stressful settings? How do you handle unfamiliar situations? Those are the questions that need to be addressed when you discuss your academic and social accomplishments. None of this presentation does that. The reviewer doesn't care about the outline of your activities and participation. He would rather know of one or two activities that highlight your potential as a scholar.

This is an essay that only serves to boost your personal feeling of worth but does not follow the actual informative prompt requirements. No amount of bragging on your part will increase your chances of becoming a candidate for this scholarship when the overall personal statement does not deliver the important information that will actually help assess your suitability as a scholar candidate.

Scholarship / I am going to beat fantasy with science in GKS 2020 Chemistry [2]

Are you writing a study plan for the GKS scholarship? If you are, then you have not written a proper explanatory essay. The study plan is solely for the languages that you will have to learn and perfect. These are the Hangeul (Korean) and English. The assumption is that you have little to no expertise in those aforementioned languages at this point so, you will be given an opportunity to learn both languages as an undergraduate student.

Think of how you might be able to learn Hangeul and English better as a student in Korea. How will you utilize the social activities? Perhaps you will want want to enroll in additional language classes? Focus on the English and Hangeul language classes. There is no need to discuss the research improvement aspect that you plan to pursue in this essay. That is irrelevant. That is not what the reviewer wants to learn about.

Remember, discuss the language studies before and after coming from Korea. So if you do not have any foundational learning of the 2 languages at this point, you will have a difficult time discussing the prep work you have done and will pursue upon becoming a student in Korea.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Learning everything by remembering related facts to achieve a success in studying [3]

First up, there is no such word as "disconcur". Either you concur or you "do not concur", do not make up words because your LR score will receive major point deductions for it. Next, always make sure that you have the 3-5 sentence format represented in each paragraph. Do not rely on long sentences for your presentations. Longer sentences mean more GRA errors. Keep it short and informative. One idea per sentence. For example:

Academic accomplishments are better achieved by committing information to memory. This is the belief held by some people. I completely do not agree with this statement. My reason for this is based on 2 factors: ... and ....

Now, you are asked to provide information based on your knowledge or experience. So if you had said that you have trouble remembering data you just memorized, that would have scored you better in the C&C section rather than when you said "A survey conducted", which refers to researched information rather than personal knowledge or publicly known facts.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 The obligation to respect older people is a norm that needs to be maintained and taught [2]

You need to provide a direct representation of the original prompt in the paraphrase section. It would also help your TA score more if you provided a direct response to each question rather than simply indicating what you will be discussing in the essay. That would help increase the C&C section of your score since you will be giving an outline of your upcoming discussion paragraphs, thus proving that you fully understood the question and are capable of offering quick responses to the questions. These presentations will combine to help increase both the TA and C&C scores right from the start. It will give your essay a strong launching pad score-wise.

You managed to provide several reasons and results in your reasoning paragraphs. None of which are properly supported with personal knowledge, experience, or public information. There is no example to illustrate any of the reasons provided. Your presentation paragraph is therefore under developed. Don't give me several reasons, give me several supported reasons. Or, in this case, one fully developed reason as the prompt instructed. Give me the reason, the basis for the reason, an example of the reason in action, and a quick explanation of why that example is relevant to the discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The diagram illustrate immigration into the United States from 1850 to 1930 [4]

You did not identify the type of images provided, which became the source of your data. It is important to identify the type of image prior to giving the information because the reader needs to create a mental picture of the data indicated. The source of information should also signify the type of information provided in each image. Your summary overview is therefore incomplete. It failed to identify the 3 images provided and what information is provided in each image, which would be the basis of your comparison information within your reporting essay.

You should also show a uniformity in your paragraph presentations, the most minimum number of sentences would be 3, with a maximum of 5. Without it, you are not properly reporting the essay information. You are also lowering your GRA score by relying in long sentences instead of analytical sentences within the presentation.

Writing Feedback / Studying at university or get a job straight after school? Discuss both views [2]

With 266 words written, one would say that you should have written a pretty good essay. The problem, is that you discussed both points of view from a personal standpoint, totally neglecting the keywords in the original prompt that referred to the method of discussion / format for the presentation. The prompt said :Discuss both points of view and give your opinion.

Now, the discuss both points of view part should have been based on the use of third person pronouns. How should you have known that you needed to discuss the public point of view first? Read the original presentation. Look at the pronoun keywords: Some people, others. Both refer to the point of view of the general public / audience. Then, the personal opinion reference: your opinion. Count the discussion paragraphs, 2 public, 1 personal. 3 paragraphs. One for each discussion presentation.

Review your presentation. You never use a pronoun in the paragraphs that would identify the source of the opinion. The pronoun usage is a major part of the scoring in this presentation as it relates directly to your GRA score. The pronouns used helps the examiner figure out how well you can structure or form your English sentences. Without it, the general discussion you present would appear to be only personal in nature.

So, while your discussion may have good reference points, the lack of proper reasoning formation in the middle of the essay are what weakened the presentation.

Writing Feedback / Various reasons why people travel - Writing task 1 [2]

Your first paragraph, the summary overview, is a marathon to read. There was not a single punctuation mark used in a sentence that should have been fully utilizing periods and commas, at the very least, to help the reader take a pause, which would have helped the reader better understand what you are saying. This is a perfect example of a run-on sentence. Remember, the clarity of your paragraphs comes the way you divide your thoughts and information into sentences, without it, the reader cannot properly analyze the information presented. This error will definitely pull down your GRA score in a major way.

In the last paragraph, you capitalized "Access", since that word is not a noun, it should not be written in upper case. Only proper nouns are written in upper case in the middle of a sentence. The first pronoun I is also capitalized in such instances.

Scholarship / I told them I wanted to be a doctor - my 800 word biographical essay [2]

I was a bit confused by your sudden claim of "I was born American" in paragraph 4. Since you never indicated anything in the earlier paragraphs to showcase a dual citizenship on your part, nor did you touch on any confusion regarding culture, family relationships, and other things in the essay that would show a "foreign" bloodline in you that would want to pursue or understand by studying abroad, that paragraph created confusion in an otherwise solid presentation. I believe you should rework the essay to make some reference to your being an American in a foreign land early in the essay. Build it up, don't just hit the reader in the face with it, without any explanation or foundation. Maybe make that the central theme of the essay instead? Work the story to show how the American side of you benefited and suffered simultaneously because of that situation? I am confident a rewrite angled to deal with that aspect of your background would make for an interesting and informative read.

Undergraduate / GKS-U Personal Statement BIOTECHNOLOGY [2]

Your motivation to study in Korea is not making sense. You just said the same thing 3 different ways. Simply repeating ideas does not make it a proper motivational statement. Rather, it only provides a useless redundancy in the presentation. You need to provide evidence for your motivation. As a researcher, what programs does Korea support in the field of biotechnology that helped motivate you to study this course? How would this motivation apply to helping you become a better biotechnologist or researcher once you return to your home country? The reasons you gave for students such as Korea is a comfortable country does not make sense. A student will not opt to study in a foreign country simply because he would be "comfortable" studying there. As a scholar, you should have better reasons for studying in Korea other than comfort.

Your statement about your parents does not say anything about your relationship with them. There has to be a sense of family dynamic in this essay. What reason makes your family special to you that might also have an effect on the reviewer? How have they contributed to your success in life so far, other than simply paying your academic fees and being supportive of you with words of enlightenment or simply being there to give you a boost when you need it?

Marching band is a good example of an extra curricular activity. I can see that you learned things from participating in the activity. However, you lack severely in terms of awards and recognition that would prove a higher than average intellectual ability and accomplishments that prove you have a true interest in biotechnology or science in general. Information that will be of vital importance to the reviewer who will be considering your application for the next round of considerations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: family members have less communications with each other compared to the past [2]

The question is asking you a question that deals with the present time. Therefore, it is improper for you to use the past tense reference for the activity "witnessing" You say that people either "bear witness to the current development of" or, "have been witnessing", which means to see something consistently from the past to the present time. You also began a sentence with the conjunction "because". You cannot start any sentence with a conjunction as the use of the word requires a pre-existing set of information to justify coming from the beginning sentence information.

Your example in the second paragraph is also incorrect as it deal with playing time instead of communication time. You need to provide relevant examples that focus on the given topic. Never change the information to suit what you know. Your information should always suit the required discussion points as provided.

The second reasoning paragraph does not contain a reason and justification for your point of view. You have not focused on truly convincing the reader of your point of view as your topics do not relate to communication. There are no clear examples to support your claims as you indicated in your prompt paraphrase.

Review your apostrophe uses. You do not need an apostrophe in reference to the plural form of "individuals". In the concluding paragraph, do not use a memorized phrase such as "by way of conclusion" because that is not only an improperly formatted sentence, but it also does not show any grammar range or skill on your part that would indicate an English writing proficiency.