Writing Feedback / [Toefl] Should students take out student loans to avoid working while studying. [3]

Hi Phoung, i have few additional insights that will hopefully help you in your revision and future articles.

First of all, you are able to provide examples that elaborately describes the ideas you are trying to impart to your readers, however, it's not written clearly, as the prompt asked, you should be able to make a very specific example as to why studentsshould take or not take students loans such as taking loans will become a burden in the future as students already have loans even if they're still not earning anything and if they don't take out student loan they will be forced to work, ask money from parents or apply for scholarships in order to get into college, this is the kind of example I am referring to.

Nexf, you clearly have an idea in your head on how to tackle this prompt, however, you used unconventional words to denote continuation of idea such as,"Be that as it may", which is not at all related nor relevant or even proper to the idea you are leading your easay to. I understand that you'd like you essay to be unique, catchy and full of adjectives, but you know what always works, to write simpler than the usual, keep it on a conversational level.

Lastly, be up to date when it comes to your writing, do a little research and take everyday happening into your writing, this will make more sense in the end.

I hope my insights are useful!

Scholarship / Statement of purpose for an internship research program in mechanical engineering [5]

Hi Timbo, as I read your SOP, I must say, physically its very long for an SOP, an SOP is a letter that highlights your academic journey, achievements and aspirations, it also contains a little bit of your personal background but the main focus is the answer to the question, Why do you choose this institution and course to pursue?, indeed you are able to answer this, however, you somehow elaborated a lot of unnecessary information that may not be useful for this part of the essay but may be very crucial information in the later stage of your application, as what everybody say, don't give it your all, leave something for surprise, this is true in writing too.

With regards to the italicized words, if you want to spit out and not include it in your SOP, why did you add it in the first place?, remember, this SOP is yours, it represents you, your ideologies an your personal beliefs that will be your guidelines and basis in achieving your goals, whether it be academic or as a person. A quote for you to live by, "If you don't believe in it, then don't", write what you think is helpful to your application and not something that you don't believe in.

Moreover, the conclusion of your SOP can take a little help, please find below;

- I am very excitedmotivated and determined to - internship inat xxx.
- I sincerely believe that I would beam an excellent studentaddition in your program,
- and I am preparedgeared to work and
- the highest standards that xxx is known for.

There you have it Timbo, I hope the above insights helped and should you need further assistance do let us know and we are here to help.

Undergraduate / Simple Life - Aeronautics and Astronautics Department UW COE Personal Statement [5]

Hi Josh, thank you for the appreciation. There's definitely nothing more valuable than logging in and reading words of thanks from the reviews that we provide to your projects.

As mentioned, there's very minor modifications towards your work, however, if you can eliminate them, it will be absolutely better. The thing is, to get better at this craft, time, dedication and the determination to excel is the key to create a well written essay or a project per say.

As you move along and write more projects, mind the following reminders;

- mind the logical placement of your words, this is quiet crucial as it affects the overall outcome of your essay.

- use the right words or group of words in your sentences, this will define the entire idea of the essay and will draw its fate

- complete the sentence by injecting your own opinion to the subject at hand, this will add personality to the essay

Lastly, make sure to develop a critique within you, this will not only help you create a better essay but more importantly, you will be able to see where you need enhancement and be able to correct it before passing it on to other people for additional valuable opinion.

Letters / The boy inside of me is a dreamer. Help him get to college essay. [5]

We are always happy to help Juan! Just make sure that when you do launch your GoFundMe.com link, you couple it with prayers, the genuine desire to attain academic excellence and more importantly, to better develop and hone yourself towards greater welfare.

Now, just a few reminders as you go along;

- review the language rules, subject verb agreement, those tenses the right form of the words, singular and plural forms and the minor details such us spacing and punctuation marks

- proof reading is also a good habit to form when you want to get a first hand criticism of your work, this way you will develop a third person to critique your work within yourself

- manage the length of the essays you write, sometimes, long essays does not mean they're worth a read

Finally, make sure that you are able to provide the answer and the purpose of your essay, this is the key to a successful article.

Keep writing and I hope to review more of your work soon.

Research Papers / Breaking the Perception of Pit Bulls [3]

Hi Lisa, indeed WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, it's always good to welcome yet another member of this absolutely educational website.

Now, as I read through the paper which I understand is a draft, I must say it is a researched that is done halfway, Im not sure if this is because this is just a draft or you haven't really figured out how to present your work. Indeed, a research paper should have the following points;

- the introduction, where you introduce the meaning, the purpose as well as the goal of the research

- the body, where you showcase different views, ideas and informations gathered through your research.

- the conclusion, where you summarize and conclude the findings of your research.

Last but definitely not the least, you own pint of view, showcasing your own opinion towards your idea of the subject at hand. Aside form this observations, I would also like to stress that as much informative as your research is, you also have to make mention of the works where you derive your findings, this is what you call citation, this is very crucial as it is the backbone of your paper. I hope to see the final structure of your work very soon.

Undergraduate / Simple Life - Aeronautics and Astronautics Department UW COE Personal Statement [5]

Hi Josh, as I read along, I must say that the essay needs a few modifications, however, I commend you for taking that extra step to express your interest in studying Aeronautics. I came from an aeronautics school and I must say, it is quiet challenging, you really have to have that passion, a firing desire to develop your knowledge in aeronautics and gain valuable insights from all sides of the industry, like any other field, learning aeronautics is definitely not limited to the four sides of the classroom.

Below are my suggestions that will hopefully enhance your essay.

- Throughout my academic journey in my education ,
- to refine the importancelogic ofin my goals, - enabling me to keeping me growing and motivated .

- If there wasis a lesson
- in poverty it's that, sometimes
- the simpler ideas can yield

There you have it Josh, I hope this plight of yours will be fulfilled and I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors in life. The corrections I made above are very minor and I hope it's useful to your revision.

Letters / The boy inside of me is a dreamer. Help him get to college essay. [5]

Hi Juan, indeed without a fund, a healthy fund, you will not be able to proceed and push your limits. Thanks to the help of websites such as GoFundMe.com.

As hard as it is to secure a scholarship fund, it's almost as hard to get the attention of GoFunders in the website, I believe if the funders are able to feel you and believe in your genuine purpose they will not hesitate to fund you.

Overall, the essay is fairly written, quiet long, however, it served its purpose. The essay also showcased where you came from and your eagerness to pursue learning and be good at it. More than the diploma, to better yourself should be your main goal and eventually share your knowledge to others.

However, I have a few suggestions for your final paragraph.

- BecauseAs ( avoid starting your sentence with the word "because" )
- college's tuition.
- I cannot afford tuition.- this is a very negative connotation to express your current situation and it does not help your plight to get funded.

- If you would like toAny help is much appreciated , please click the "donate" link below.
- Any donation you can make, will be appreciated.
- I am determinedgeared for success, and
- I will not disappointmake use of the funds for greater welfare .

There you have it Juan, I will sure wait and pray that you will be able to publish your plight in the GoFundMe.com website and I hope you get funded.

Scholarship / Discuss a special attribute or accomplishment that sets you apart? [4]

Hi Rudy, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
Below are my suggestions and modifications that will hopefully help you enhance the revision of your essay.

- In my life, tT here has been dark
- moments and bright moments in my life but ,
- However, I have learned from them
- strong person,in life it has taught
- me the values of things, and to see the world
- All of thatT hanks to the greatest
- sport in the world called soccer.

- I hadn'thaven't had any experience
- But I wasam confident with
- myself because I knew that all that
- hurthard work would pay off.
- So, I end up making the team on my
- freshman year plusand even
- I got put in the startingplayed front line,
- So, thatThat year I receive an
- award for beenbeing the most
- becausefor thisthe achievement I had done .
- I knew all that hurthard work paid off
- and that cameit gave me more

There you have it Rudy, I hope you find the corrections useful and valuable to your revision. As you can see there are still a lot of work to be done, mainly in choosing the right words the will express the ideas you have in your head.

I hope to review your revision soon.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2, Many employees may work at home the modern technology [5]

Hi Wahyu, as I read along, I am really immersed in your essay, I believe this is one of those essays that is not only realistic but also very relevant to todays world.

I, for one, works at home, I have full control of my time, my actions and the results of my work. Coupled with this freedom is the responsibility to be well disciplined, such as knowing my hours of work, sticking to my schedule and the results derived from the days work. Moreover, it gives the employees the sense of concentration that they need and that they couldn't have in an office set up, added to this is the controversy that the office set up brings will not be experienced in a remote office or working from home, which for me is a very good addition to being a remote worker.

Overall, the essay you wrote is very relevant to todays world,you made sure that the essay is also using appropriate words, the construction of the sentences is also very critical and you were able to bring it out in this essay.

Furthermore, you were able to answer what is asked of the prompt, I consider this essay as very up to date, true to its purpose and the ideas you mentioned are able to highlight both advantages and disadvantages of the situation.

I hope my insights helped.

Writing Feedback / Composition: No future for public transport? It will become a big issue in the future. [3]

Hi Yu, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I have some additional insights that will hopefully help strengthen your essay.

- huge transformation on the transport,
- from ridding the horses or cows to
- driving the car or
- taking the bus.
- transportation in the future,
- with this opinionfindings ,

- that if everyone drives their own
- it mustwill result
- a lot ofto air pollution.
- are known that the countryside's air
- is more cleaner than the city.
- areis not much more car driving on the road. - car and driving, thistogether will
- contribute to the damage to the environment veryas well.

There you have it Yu, as you can see there's still a lot of ways to better your essay and I hope you follow through.

Scholarship / Reflecting on UWC's mission and values, what you might contribute to the school/college? Why UWC? [3]

Hi Mahfudz, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope to provide you with the best and most accurate feedback as possible in order for you to come up with a stronger essay.

Now, as I read through your essay, I must say that it is written in a way that your reader will think that you are writing only to answer the prompt and not really to believe that you are into what the purpose of the essay is.

What I'm trying to say is, the essay is lacking maturity or formality. To elaborate further, when the prompt ask you of "Why you choose.....", you answer " I choose...", this technique of question and answer is also good, however, it can be better, you can still put a few words or couple of sentence before this, in order to showcase the basis of you decision. Like stating the reasons of choosing such institution, I believe you did elaborate this part but not in a way that it should be done.

In your revision, make sure that you add a couple of sentences that would be your basis in pursuing this goals.
I hope my insights helped.

Writing Feedback / The best way to reduce the number of traffic accidents is to raise age limit for the younger drivers [6]

Hi Almarra, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, it's always fun to welcome, yet another member of this not only fun website but even more so, an educational way to be on the internet and not just linger around.

Now, as I read along,I must say that the introduction has been written fairly well, however, the succeeding paragraph, seemed to missing its substance, substance that is needed to make the essay stand out. Here are my insights;

- Personally, I am inbroad agreement with
- this view,concerning the following the aspects below .

- By and large, owning to their lack of knowledge
- inwith regards to traffic
- rules and lack of practical experience,
- youngst er drivers are more inclined
- of attending in theattended by drivers
- to get their license
- course they will get acquainted with the
- thatwhere the lack of

There yo have it Almara, as you can see, there's still quiet a few enhancements to be done in your essay, I hope you follow through.

Letters / Motivation letter - Master's programme in International Business & Consulting [5]

Hi Yunus, you can always count on us in providing you with the most accurate and credible feedback that is geared towards the betterment of your essays.

While you're revising this essay, make sure that you mind the following;

- the sentence construction is very crucial, this is the body of your essay, so make sure that they are highly organized and you have the right format for the sentences you have in the essay.

- also, mind the simple details that you have in your essay, this are the punctuation marks, the linking verbs and review the language properly before digging into your thoughts and write

- as soon as you finish your writing, proof read yourself and read it aloud, this will let you listen to your words and to your essay as a whole and eventually be able to see where you need the enhancement.

There you have it Yunus, I can't wait to review your final essay and be able to share a few insights to bring better judgement to your essay.

Letters / Motivation letter - Master's programme in International Business & Consulting [5]

Hi Yunus, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, it's great to welcome yet another member of this incredible website, we hope to be able to support you in all your writing projects as well as be your backbone in submitting a well formatted and valuable essay.

Now, as I read your Motivation letter, first of all, it is a very challenging course to take on and KUDOS to you for having that courage and willingness to encourage others to keep dreaming and working towards the fulfillment of your goals. Overall, it is a fairly written essay, however, I believe your conclusion can still be strengthened, so below is my suggestion;

- that my academic educational background - academic and education has the same meaning, so to put them together is redundant.
- combinedcoupled ( I believe this word is more appropriate )
- with my practical experiences I will meet
- yourthe high quality standards of your institution,
- and, moreover, I will
- be able to contribute in enriching - I hope that I convinced you and look forward to your positive responseam able to showcase my capabilities and worth to be part of your institution .

There you have it Yunus, I hope my insights helped and do let us know should you need further assistance.

Writing Feedback / An essay on reading and writing - how to improve language skills? [3]

Hi Trung, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
We hope you consider us as your helpful and valuable tool in coming up with stronger essay and more insights to answer the prompt.

The moment I read your essay, I got confused, the words are quiet bold and deep, which is good, but somehow they didn't mean what you are trying to convey to your readers One thing that you have to understand is that, when writing, you have to keep it simple, this is a very simple writing technique that is a must in making sure that your ideas are expressed properly.

To further explain my observation, below is an example.

- At some point in man's millenium, with the first language "revolution" betiding several thousand years ago, - you see, in this particular part of the essay alone, as a reader, I don't really understand where you're coming from or where you want the essay to go.

So, I read along, I was able to keep up, the way I understand it, it has the idea that answers the prompt, however, you started quiet complicated however, you managed to keep it up and be precise with your thoughts.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Being at concert or sport event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. [4]

Hi Nahid, no worries at all, you can always count on us here on Ef. We will always be glad and ready to provide you with out best input and given the chance, we will definitely come to your rescue.

Now, while you're at revising this essay, I would like to inject a few notes.

- sentence construction is very crucial to the formation of your essay, so be mindful of the words as well as the manner your words are grouped

- check the sequence or the logical order of your ideas, make sure that they follow a flow of story by practicing a simple pattern, the introduction, the body and then the conclusion.

- the verbs and the tenses definitely help express the idea you are trying to impart to your readers so you should be very observant on this as well.

Lastly, try to impart valuable lessons in all your writing projects, if this is not relevant, input your personal opinion instead, this will bring personality to your essay. Keep writing.

Undergraduate / Photography and art - wrong grammar of statement of intent for SVA [3]

Hi Zhi, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
I hope you find this website helpful as well as useful for your writing projects, we strive to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback in order to assist you in coming up with the best essay ready for submission.

Now, I can see that you are able to get a lot of help from one of our contributors and I hope you follow through, there is a huge difference from the original project you wrote and the one that is suggested to be used in your submission.

What I noticed in your essay is your difficulty in coming up with the properly constructed sentence and it's true, your grammar needs a lot of improvement,however, you don't have to worry about this as this is a work in progress, you don't have to rush it. The mastery of this language does not have to be prompt, determination, timing and practice is a continuous process so you don't have to panic. Moreover, you were able to come up with the right idea for this prompt.

Writing Feedback / NARRATIVE essay: A MISTAKE THAT TAUGHT ME AN IMPORTANT LESSON [3]

HI Ngoc, here's a follow up from the above insights I shared with you.

- could notdidn't come
- to sincetrue as I caused an
- I thoughtbelieve thisthat the[/s - mistake led our relationship aside from ourto drift away from our plan.
- there wouldshould not
- apologies he saidblurted ,
- the angrier I gotbecame .
- too cruel like this
- whilewhen I wanted to forgive him.

There you have it Ngoc, as you can see there's quiet a change from the original writing, I hope you notice the difference. For future writing reference, mind the construction of your sentences, make sure that you follow the necessary language rules and it also helps if you read your sentences aloud, normally when something sounds off, that means you have to change or revise it.

Writing Feedback / Direct communication is better than indirect communication such as letters, emails, and phone calls [3]

Hi Lily, I would like to share a few insights for your essay.

- way people engaginge each other.
- effects forto the society.

- sinceas this way
- is an effective
- way to interact with people.
- to build the business relationship
- trust bythrough direct
- interactinginteraction and
- intensive socializing creates thea better - people such as those in far distance,
- the alternative ways of communication
- to remain continuously communicatingin contact with others.

There you have it Lily, I took the first 2 paragraphs so you will be able to see the difference of the essay once it is revised. I notice that you have the idea all cut out for this essay but you were not able to express them properly, I believe a little more practice will greatly help.

Writing Feedback / NARRATIVE essay: A MISTAKE THAT TAUGHT ME AN IMPORTANT LESSON [3]

Hi Ngoc, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, We hope you find this website helpful as well as valuable to your writing projects. We strive to provide you with the most accurate and comprehensive feedback that will surely give you the correct format to come up with a well written essay.

Now, when it comes to your qoute, it is actually very interesting, it does answer the prompt, you can definitely draw a well written essay from the qoute. You can always add, "As the saying goes" or " I read once" then the qoute, this will add a smooth transition to the essay and ideas you are trying to include in your article.

Overall, I believe you have created a fairly written essay, a little polish on the sentence construction and logical order should complete the overall idea of the essay. I will get back to you for more assistance.

Writing Feedback / Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience (GRE topic) [8]

No worries at all Sang, i hope you do follow through with the corrections We suggested here on EF.

Just to re-iterate what we've been suggesting here on EF, whenever you're writing, make sure that you review the language rules, know and understand your prompt and allow your imagination to flow.

Also, make sure that you spend time practicing, reading and experimenting different writing techniques, this will widen your ability to write and approach your future writing projects in different format.

I hope this insights helped in your future writing reference. Should you need further assistance, do let us know so we can assist you further.

Scholarship / Objectives upon completion of degree / Contribution to the home country as an effect of scholarship. [8]

Hi Sawsan, it's good to hear from you once again.
I was looking at a few articles and writing projects and I have not seen anything from you, I was guessing you were busy with other activities other than writing.

Further to your writing projects and future reference, mind the suggestions given to you by, not only this website, but also other suggestions you may receive from other people. Know that all suggestions are aimed at giving you the best and most comprehensive feedback in order for you to come up with an even stronger essay. Remember to review the English language and observe the association of your words whenever you write, this will give you a clearer picture and a better outcome of your articles.

Keep writing and I hope to review more of your articles soon.

Writing Feedback / A leader should be a good speechmaker to convince people and a good listener of different opinions [3]

Hi Ara, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
I hope that this is just the beginning of your consultation and friendship here in our website.
We strive to provide you with useful and credible insights, so you can come up with a meaningful and well written essay.

Now, going back to your essay, the modification on the title of the essay is correct and I hope you follow through.
Moreover, the demonstrative words that you choose such as "this", "these" and "that" needs to be properly observed, know the circumstances where you need to put what amongst this words as it directly affects your essay.

Overall, the essay needs a little bit of polish, I will get back to you on this, I hope this initial observation helps.

Research Papers / What Is Preventing Drug Prevention: Stopping Addiction Before It starts [2]

Hi Nicole, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
I hope you find this website helpful as well as credible to your writing projects. We strive to provide you with the most accurate and comprehensive feedback in order for you to create a well written and an even stronger essay.

What I like most about your writing is that, you gathered very credible sources for the information you included in your essay. One thing that makes a research paper stand out, is the source of information where you extracted your notes. Furthermore, this paper was able to provide meaningful insights to the topic, it pays to be add a little bit of your personal opinion and associate this to the current events that is happening in todays world. You also simplified difficult scientific words to make it easier to your readers comprehension.

Overall, it's a well written and well researched paper.
I hope the insights helped and are useful in your future writing projects.

Scholarship / The Day My Dream Became Reality [6]

Hi Kassandra, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
We aim to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback for you to be able to come up with an even stronger and creative essay.

First thing that I notice in your essay is the fact that you are missing minor details, such as punctuation marks especially a comma (,), you will need this in each and every essay or writing project that you would create, simply because, your readers need a break in reading your essay and to take in the idea that you are trying your readers understand. To further explain this observation, please find below;

- As a young child, death is a
- die, while growing up.

- Having comeComing from a
- family where, I'm the first
- this wasis a big
- I wasam always
- an honor roll student

There you have it Kasandra, I hope the insight helped and are useful in your revision. Should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here to help.

Graduate / Living in a "fantastically corrupt" country of the world. Statement for MPA University of Calgary. [7]

Hi Mattiullah, I am glad that you followed through the suggested revision of the essay, it definitely needs a lot of positive input about your country, as I said, you should be proud of your country wherever you are and whenever you can. Believe it or not, I've been all over the world and even if at times I hear bad news and bad feedbacks about my country, it is still the country where I came from and I am proud of that.

Now when it comes to your grammar, I must say that the linking verbs needs to be polished as well as the tenses of the words that you use in the sentences needs to be observed. Moreover, I notice a few elaborated ideas which is a good technique in order to keep your ideas easy to understand by your readers and even more so, your reviewers.

The best of luck to you and I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects soon.

Undergraduate / NYU Tisch Film and Television Personal Story Essay - grammar / good storytelling? [8]

Hi Jordan, when it comes to the ending of the essay, since the overall essay evolved in you, as the main character of the essay, I believe it is best that you stick to ending the essay with you as the same character and the effects of the event in you.

Indeed, it will create a confusion if you shift the story around and involve your mothers circumstances and how she got affected by the incidents, this can be included but not necessarily as a conclusion or the ending part of the essay.

Moreover, the length of the essay is good enough so you don't have to add any additional parts of the essay.
I believe the short story is imaginative, fairly written and sparks that writer side of you. I wish to review more of your essays and writing projects soon and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience (GRE topic) [8]

Hi Sang, when it comes to the logical order of your essay, I must say you have done it well. The key to logical approach of the essay is to, first, know your topic, give a brief introduction in the first paragraph, then extend the idea and provide ample details in order to elaborate your idea and you are able to do just this, so good job on that.

Now, when it comes to the structure of your essay, we check your sentences first and yes they are well structured, your subject input are written in a way where they're suppose to be written and this coincides with the rest of the sentence in order to give that complete idea and overall clarity of the essay.

There you have it Sang, I hope the insights are helpful, also, don't worry with the words you choose to associate in your essay, even if they're deep or bold English words, so long as they mean what you want to imply in your essay, this should be perfect, conversational English is much better of course but with practice, you will be better at this craft.

Writing Feedback / I agree with the statement that art and music should be learned in school [5]

No Worries Nahid, we will always be here to assist you with any of your writing projects.

While you're practicing and making use of your free time writing, mind the following reminders in order to come up with a stronger essay.

- the use of punctuation marks is very minor and should be observed properly in your sentences.
- the tenses of the words as well as the forms of the words are necessary in order to come up with a logical and meaningful essay.

- the choice of the words you choose also matters in the outcome of your essay.

This are just a few reminders that you can take note of when writing, of course, subject and verb agreement needs to be observed as well, this will ensure that you will create a well rehearsed essay and something that the readers will understand.

I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects, as mentioned practice more and note your progress, even if it's just a draft you will see the progress of your writing.

Writing Feedback / Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience (GRE topic) [8]

Hi Sang, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, may you find this website helpful as well as useful to your writing projects. We aim to provide you with the most accurate and credible feedback with the hope of creating an even stronger essay and for you to get better if not the best at this craft.

Now, as a beginner in exercising the English language, I must say, your a natural, you were able to come up with an even better essay than most English speakers. As for most of native English speakers, they tend to be confident in their writing and this can sometimes lead to an essay that possesses the idea and what the prompt is asking them to write, however, this does not mean that the grammar and the English language rules are observed.

This is the difference in your essay from the others.

I understand that you are still getting use to practicing the language, however, when it comes to writing, it will not hurt if you come up with words that are used in daily English conversations, this will simplify your essay and will help your readers understand the article and will follow through with your projects. The simpler the words the better essay you will be able to come up with. Good luck, keep writing and we are just here for you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - minimalize car usage, why and how? [5]

Hi Nurul, as I read and understand your essay, I must say the first two paragraphs needs a lot of polishing, below are my suggestions.

- DemandingThe demand on car
- is common happened in todays society
- daily basiscommute ,
- making impact in the community,
- iI'm utterly convinced that the
- will givecause a vital problem, - especially foron traffic congestion.

- The immense crucial impact that is caused - by highlyhuge number
- This is exemplifiedintensified by 10% - of rising number of cars per year
- for the number of car, in India,
- it will possible when people comes out of the house,

There you have it Nurul, I hope the corrections are helpful in your revision.

Writing Feedback / I agree with the statement that art and music should be learned in school [5]

Hi Nahid, the introduction of this essay needs a lot more polishing, here's what I suggest;

- Art and music involves with people's emotional part. - that all students should
- others have negative attitudeapproach .
- They think school ishas the responsibility
- forto working on mind
- DependingBase on my
- and emotional concernaspect ,
- should be learnedtaught in school. - whichthat influence
- thethis choice,
- thesethere are three
- gives students the - ability to do efficiently practice during - and also to informlearn about
- the other cultures.

Nahid, I hope the above corrections strengthens your essay.
Now, you have to learn how to use the word "depending", this word simply means "to be controlled" or "to be the determining factor", in most of your sentences, the word you need is not "depending" but "base" such as "Base on my experience", "base out of", remember, the right association of words is crucial in coming up with a strong essay.

Writing Feedback / EFFECT OF VIOLENCE ON TELEVISON TO CHILDRENS - IELTS 2 [3]

Hi Meireza, here's additional assistance form my end.

- The advancement of
- technology ea ffects
- on accessible information likes do not have limitthe accessibility of information and its limited rules.
- Because of thatthis ,
- in nowa days its

- due to the negative
- content such as the harshness.
- This is because of childrens growth - phase makemeans they always
- shows inthat their eyes can see .
-Broadcasting Commis sion
- in 2013 announ ced television
- commis sion shows
- that throughout 2012
- received special attention

There you have it Meireza, I hope this is another useful and valuable insights towards your revision. One thing that I noticed in your essay is the format or the construction of your sentences, it seems like you are putting everything in one sentence and this is very confusing, this is what exactly happened in your sentences. Well of course, you have a lot of time to practice and get better at this craft and one way is posting it here on EF so we can help you out.

Writing Feedback / The United States became the most frequent winner of the hot-dog eating contest within two years [5]

Hi Merieza, below are additional corrections fro your analysis.

- hotdog ( hotdog - is one word )

- scoring forscored as winners.
- havehas won
- twenty times forfrom this
- Japanese males recorded nine times
- of winnings while
- the remaining
- Mexican males
- and Germany whose female
- participant only once won this contest.

- winner withinfor the past two years. - Fur thermore, and this trend
- kept in the followingits record for the next 11 years,
- starting from 1985 to 1996.
- wasis seen in the
- over back the winning place back . - justwas once to be a winner,

There you have it Merieza, I hope my additional help is useful in your revision.

Writing Feedback / Some businesses find that when new employees join them after finishing their education, they lack... [3]

Hi Novi, first of all, I would like to commend you in coming up with a well written essay. As I read along, I can't help but realize that your essay is actually dealing with the current events, it is very realistic, it is what is happening in, not only a specific country but in the world in general.

Normally, in prompts like this, I would do a little research to know and verify the information provided in the essay, this is done to make sure that what we are writing is legitimate, not plagiarized from one writing and more importantly, factual, the least thing that you can do is to actually come up with an essay that is only your opinion and no facts, it should be a balanced essay and this is just what you did in this writing project.

As much as I love the essay, I would suggest that in your IELTS practices, minimize the paragraphs into 3, it's easier to read this way and will not eat up too much time as well as energy in writing. Also, it will showcase your writing in a glance. Keep writing.

Graduate / Fragment of my cover letter for a postdoc position - I am finishing a PhD in Molecular Neuroscience [3]

Hi Alejandro, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, you made a very good choice in consulting this website and its contributors before heading on to submission. We aim to provide you with the best and most accurate feedback your essay deserves.

Now, going back to your essay, PhD in Molecular Neuroscience is to start with, a very challenging field and to still aim for a higher and even greater challenge is, I believe, a noble act, indeed, as long as we are alive, we should not stop learning, study and do a little research on things happening in and around us.

Below are my suggestions to help enhance your essay.

- My mainOne of my long-term
- objectives is to establish
- a career in academiathe academe , - I believe that my positive
- feedbackareattitude towards life is - Also, I have alreadyalso presented - my work into a few UK meetings,
- both orallyverbally and in

There you have it Alejandro, I hope the corrections above is able to show you how you can still enhance your essay. However, remember that this are recommendations and suggestions to your essay and it's still up to you to follow through.

Undergraduate / NYU Tisch Film and Television Personal Story Essay - grammar / good storytelling? [8]

Hi Jordan, after reading your essay, I must say, it's as if I read a published short story, you managed to write an essay / story that keeps your readers hooked and continue reading, I was trying to predict how it will end and you made a very interesting ending.

When it comes to your grammar, obviously, a little more practice needs to be done, however, the purpose of this essay is to create a story that is worth a read, something that will minimize the focus on your writing format and will maximize the attention to the details you put in the story. The main goal of the story is to create that imaginative aspect of the readers mind and make sure that the reader goes and visit that world where the story took place and at the same time, understand the essence and the lessons embedded in the story.

I hope my insights help and a friendly reminder, a good writer can hardly be a good story teller but a good storyteller is a great writer, I mean at least base on my experience.Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) Estimated percentage of car trips by purpose and gender of drivers, 2005 [6]

Hi Irvin, for your score, base on the usage of the English language and the overall structure of the essay, I would give you a 6, this is because your analysis can still be polished, though you were able to come up with a fairly written analysis base on the given representation, your sentence structure lack the logical explanation and this is very crucial when it comes to this type of writing project.

Then again, I am not an IELTS administrator nor an expert so you can treat this as an open idea to your score for this IELTS task.

Below are my suggestions to help you come up with a better analysis.

- A breakdown of the figure foron the
- drivers in 2005 is shown on the graph below . - As seen inShifting our focus on the chart, - compared withto others.
- While visiting the town hit the lowest .

- was popular one inon the Manssidecategory , - that it is just about 3 percent,
- about half one fifthof the mens percentage .

- A part of previous comparison,- this phrase is not necessary
- It is obvious that Women
- prefer to running errands than visit her friends.
- look likely just slightly different at, about 10 percent.

There you have it Irvin, I hope the corrections are useful in your revision.

Writing Feedback / Abstract for a Journal "STUDY ON PRUNING HEIGHTS ON GROWTH, DEVELOPMENT AND BIOMASS YIELD OF MORINGA [3]

Hi Tran, as much as I loved the uniformity of your essay, I had a hard time understanding the purpose of the essay. Is it to showcase the study of pruning Moringa or as what you mentioned, the development of Biomass yield of Moringa, I am confused because the essay is kind of geared towards this two almost the same purpose but with absolutely different focus.

Now, leaning towards a more positive aspect of your writing, I must say, you have the right writing technique of a uniform presentation of the information necessary to understand your essay. Moreover, what I also find interesting is the fact that you stayed scientifically inclined and did not try to smoothen the flow because is you did so, you will loose the balance of the information and its purpose.

Overall, you just have to maintain this technique so long as the essay or the prompt asks for it but of course, be open minded to try and experiment a mix of a more complex way of writing.

Graduate / Living in a "fantastically corrupt" country of the world. Statement for MPA University of Calgary. [7]

Hi Matiullah, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF.
I am quiet excited to review your essay, this is because I want to read if you follow through with the suggested remarks on your essay.

Moreover, I am ready to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback that we can draw from your essay.

While you're at it, remember to review the language rules, format as well as the minor details that should go along with your writing, embody the topic, learn different strokes and whatever stroke of writing or techniques you choose, remember to keep you essay focused on the initial goal of the article.

Last but not the least, put your heart into your writing, let your readers know your personal opinion of the topic, this way they will feel a sense of connection to the essay and to the readers. Keep writing.