Writing Feedback / International travelling brings more advantages than domestic traveling because ... [3]

While you did write an extremely interesting essay, I believe that you lost track of time. You wrote a research paper rather than an opinion paper. An opinion paper is written within 250-290 words. A research paper is anywhere from 300-500 words. Writing up to 290 words will be possible within 40 minutes, 401 words, not so much. Stick to the opinion paper word count for the Task 2 essay. The advised length is within the 275-290 word count. Trust me, you will thank me for this advice.

Your essay is over explained. You need to discuss within no more than 3-5 sentences per paragraph. That means, the target sentence count is anywhere from 20-25 sentences, depending upon if you are writing a 4 paragraph (20 sentences) or 5 paragraph (25 sentences) essay. You need to explain yourself quickly but clearly. Do not over emphasize, you need to watch the time allotment. Writing too many words means you will run out of time to edit your work.

You also need to remind yourself of your tense usage. In this essay, you are referring to a previous time you had spent in Japan. So use the past frame work of sentence presentations. By the way, you are not Japanese, so you cannot say "having spent time in the native country". A native is someone who was born and raised in Japan. You merely spent time "in the country" since you were not born in Japan. There is a big difference between the two reference phrases.

Your opening paragraph is not an accurate paraphrase of the original discussion. You actually began discussing the topic in that paragraph which is not the way to go. That paragraph is used only to show off your English comprehension skills and your ability to restate information using an English thought process. Hence:

Going to other countries often has positive results for most folk. However, there are others who believe that there are more gainful experiences to be had by traveling within their own nation. Having spent time in Japan, I am more in agreement with the belief that there are more notable results for people who experience life in other regions of the world.

The example above is a better representation of the original prompt and discussion instructions.

Your conclusion is good, but represents a run-on sentence. Divide it. You have to make sure to meet the sentence requirements per paragraph. Make sure that you clearly restate the original prompt before you present your opinion and reasons in that section. You have to do that because it is a new paraphrase of the original topic and your discussion reasons.

Scholarship / Describing my leadership and influencing skills to make an effective essay for Chevening application [2]

Okay, remove the reference to your teacher position. It is not a real leadership position because you are referencing interaction with your students. The students, by default, have you for a leader. Therefore, it is not an effective example of your leadership skills and ability. Your leadership skills and abilities must be connected to your current profession, which you do not indicate in this essay. Is the organization that you joined a volunteer organization or your job? What is your job title and description? Why should we be impressed that you were assigned to lead a task?

In actuality, the reference to the organizational leadership function that you had is not impressive. It is too trivial in presentation. There is no sense in considering a drop in the membership an important aspect of your job. There is no background explaining why this membership decline is something that had to be dealt with immediately. What were the considerations that led to your being assigned to head this task? Why was membership recruitment done through the activity that you planned? What were the objectives? What was the plan of action? Obstacles? Would you say membership increased after the activity? What were the effective leadership traits you used to successfully draft new members? Why was this leadership style effective? What were the comments of the other leaders who participated? Your narration is severely incomplete.

The task you are depicting is not impressive at all. There is no sense of importance to your activity. Why was the increase in membership important? Were there any leadership obstacles in your path? How did you overcome these? What leadership skills did you have to use? How did you use it? Why do you think you were able to lead this activity very well? What was the end result for the organization?

The essay is a good brainstorm. Nothing more. It is a draft that requires a tremendous amount of rewriting before it can even be considered close to an editable leadership essay. At this point, it is not competitive at all. I do not see this sort of writing as getting past the screening round. Sorry about that.

Writing Feedback / Passenger activity of Toronto metro system [4]

There is a discrepancy in your time description. The trains were used until 10 PM at night, not 8 PM. So you offered inaccurate information that would have affected the clarity and validity of your report. You would have given inaccurate data representation, causing your TA to be questionable.

In your second paragraph, you said that the travellers showed a decline at 10 PM but rose afterwards. That can't be right either. I mean, the commuting stopped at 10 PM. So how could there be a gradual rise in use? You really have a problematic analysis of the line graph here. This won't be good for your final score.

Writing Feedback / The pie charts compare the amount of energy taken from five different sources in the US (1980-1990) [4]

You should be combining your trending statement with the rest of the summary overview for a far more effective 3 paragraph essay presentation. You should also include a listing of the energy sources in the summary overview to fully inform the reader about the general content and data basis for your information in the 2 reporting paragraphs. By the way, you should indicate the number of images you will be comparing in the summary overview.

There are only 2 years presented in the pie charts so I am wondering why you said "in the next years" when you should have been referring to the next decade, if that is what you were referring to in the sentence. The last paragraph does not indicate the year where the increase was recorded. This makes that sentence misleading and difficult to understand.

Writing Feedback / People have freedom to work and live anywhere in the world due to the development of communication.. [5]

Okay. You have not really delivered a clear opinion in the essay. You have not properly defended a single opinion based on the given discussion instruction. You must make sure that your 2 reasoning paragraphs are solely focused on delivering 2 reasons that support a single opinion. That is how you write this essay. It is because you did not clearly support a discussion angle that you found it difficult to write this essay.

All of these essays are based on a simple ground rule. Use your personal opinion based on personal experience, preference, knowledge, or public information. So when you feel that you are unfamiliar with a given topic, or you are unsure about what to write about, look for the clue in the discussion instruction. In this case the clue to writing this is based on whether you believe it is an advantage or disadvantage.

Consider then how you would like to work. If you were working now, would you like to have the ability to work remotely? If yes, why? If no, why? Answer that basic question and you will have your opinion based on your personal preference. Now, based on that preference, think about the 2 main reasons that pushed you towards that point of view. You will then have the 2 subject topics for your 2 reasoning paragraphs. For each paragraph, take one topic and expand on that reason through the use of supporting examples and explanations. Before you know it, you will have a proper outline and discussion draft for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Some companies sponsor sports as a way to advertise themselves. Some people think it is good... [2]

I will not be scoring this essay because the discussion format is incorrect. I believe this is your first time writing a comparative essay with personal opinion. It would not be right for me to score this when you obviously are not familiar with the discussion requirements and format for the essay presentation. Let's get to work on informing you first, then you can write an essay about a different topic, but using the same discussion format. I will score that one instead.

This is a public opinion discussion with a personal point of view. It is a 5 paragraph presentation. The format is:

Par. 1: Prompt paraphrase without the personal opinion
Par. 2: 1st Public POV explanation using gender free / group pronouns
Par. 3: 2nd Public POV presentation, again with gender free / group pronouns
Par. 4: Personal opinion indicating a support for one of the two public opinions presented. Use first person pronouns in this paragraph.
Par. 5: Concluding summary that restates the previous discussion

You have to use the gender free or group pronouns in the first 2 reasoning paragraphs because the discussion focuses on; "Some companies" and "Some people". These indicate public opinion discussion reference points within the essay. You should be able to prove that you understand the topic well enough to explain both sides of the public discussion spectrum. You do that by presenting a general discussion, but referring to group pronouns or, gender free pronouns to make it clear to the reader whose opinion is being addressed in the paragraph.

The 4 paragraph system of discussion is the more common type of discussion format. This one is kind of advanced in presentation which is why I am starting you off on the basic discussion format first. After you become familiar with the discussion style, I can start teaching you the more advanced discussion method. For now, I need you to learn to separate your discussion paragraphs based on specific content first. It is the best way to familiarize yourself with the discussion format.

Writing Feedback / The number of people who opt to live alone are increasing in many countries around the world [4]

You should not be using so many casual phrases in this essay. The casual phrases, which remove the academic tone of the discussion are:
- going solo
- dawdling outside
- wee hours
- solo lifestyle

Since this is a singular opinion essay, you should be focused on proving only the validity of your opinion, which is that it brings more negatives than positives. You are not being asked to compare and contrast, so using that as the discussion format is incorrect. Neither would it be correct to discuss both the positives and negatives since you are being asked to present a single opinion. You also cannot discuss this as an Advantage v Disadvantage essay because that is not the focal point of the discussion. So your response format is incorrect.

You will only be scored for the parts of the essay that support your clear opinion which is that this is a negative development. That means, since you only wrote 264 words, your essay will fall under the minimum word count. You will be lacking a full reasoning paragraph because you did not focus solely on proving your point of view. Therefore, the essay will fail simply because of your incorrect response format based on the discussion requirements.

Writing Feedback / Today more people are overweight than ever before. What's are the primary causes of this? [6]

You have to work on your opening paraphrase. It should be a direct representation of the original discussion topic. It must also directly respond to the questions provided. Your paraphrase is not accurate, nor does it respond to the given questions. You need to use the responses to show the examiner that you understood the discussion requirement and that your reasoning topics are relevant to the discussion. If I had written this paraphrase, I would have said :

Obesity has become an uncontrollable health issue in the present day when compared to previous years. I believe that this is caused by two reasons namely... Sadly, the rampant obesity in society has resulted in...

Note how my presentation resulted in the 3 sentence minimum requirement of the paragraph being met. That is important because the proper formatting of the paragraph is scored in the essay. It must always be between 3-5 sentences, no more, no less.

You should not say "In my opinion" in this essay because it is a general discussion presentation. As such, you should have worked on using gender neutral pronouns in the presentation to allow for more clarity in your explanation and a better GRA score. Both of the discussion paragraphs are only a series of reasons with very little explanation development in the paragraph. Try to find a way to relate the two topics by discussing their commonality in relation to the obesity discussion. To create an effective paragraph, you can use the following format:

- Topic sentence 1 (Reason 1)
- explain why this is a primary cause
- Main effect of this cause on the health of the person
- Example to support the connection between the reason and the effect.
- Give an additional explanation to tie up the reason and cause in the presentation paragraph

The same format should be used in the presentation of the second reasoning paragraph. This is the best way to achieve a better C&C score. Good discussion topics are not going to be useful to your score if you are unable to connect these and clearly explain the connection within the same paragraph.

Work on your conclusion as well. Always use the conclusion to summarize the topic and discussion points. It is never a one sentence presentation of an under developed sentiment or opinion. Always wrap up the discussion using proper reverse paraphrasing of the content.

Undergraduate / Influencing people - Leadership Chevening essay [3]

This is not a leadership essay. The essay only relates an event from your clinical rotation. There is no leadership and management style / skill included in the discussion. It does not reflect the complicated leadership style that often accompanies these Leadership essays for Chevening. You cannot use this essay. You have to come up with a leadership activity within your workplace that you actually spearheaded. You have to explain what sort of leadership style you used, why it was necessary, and what the final results were. Your essay needs to have a conflict resolution in relation to your leadership style. Without it, the essay is nothing but a narration of your activities during a specific point in your student life. You need to use a professional leadership example, based on your actual profession, not as an intern at the hospital.

Writing Feedback / Diagrams depict how to make cement and the way cement is used in concrete production [3]

Try to be more specific with your image descriptions. Don't just call these diagrams. Describe these as "illustrative diagrams" since these are drawings of 2 different procedures. Additionally, you should mention that these are 2 separate diagrams early on. Within the first sentence if possible. You should have divided the run on sentence in the first paragraph. It is too long and should be divided into at least 2 separate sentences for that part of the presentation.

The second paragraph is acceptable. However, the last paragraph is another run on sentence that does not properly analyze the concrete production instruction. Do not compress all of the information into a single sentence. That type of presentation will always be confusing and unclear to the reader. The only way to maintain clarity in this presentation is for you to be specific about the procedure explanation. Look at the diagram for cement, there are still phases of mixing before you arrive at a concrete product. Depict the procedures to create the 3-5 minimum sentence requirement.

Writing Feedback / A large number of animal species are likely to be extinct as human activities affect their habitats [5]

The essay you have written is very weak. The opening paraphrase does not really represent the original prompt and the concluding sentence does not even try to properly summarize the discussion points. As for the discussion points, while you did present a paragraph for reasons and a paragraph for solutions, these are not effective presentations at all.

The effectiveness of your reason and solution paragraphs are not contained merely in the number of reasons presented, it is found within the explanation of each instead. So for each reasoning paragraph, you should present 2 connected reasons, one for land and one for sea. The paragraph should be fully developed with related examples and explanations that support the connected reasons. The solutions should function the same way. The solutions should be somehow connected to the land and sea reasons. So the discussion about saving the habitat works for both scenarios and should have been the sole solution presented and developed in the explanation. Remember, the cohesiveness aspect of the score comes from the clear connection of your topic discussions. They have to relate and connect the first and second reasoning paragraphs otherwise, it just isn't going to work to help improve your C&C score.

Fully develop your reasoning paragraphs, don't just enumerate discussion topics. Without a clear explanation, your essay will be deemed under developed and be scored lower than what your real potential might have been.

Writing Feedback / IS IT BETTER TO HAVE A LONGER LIFE AND HIGH LIFE EXPECTANCY? [3]

You should try to change the words used in your prompt restatement from the original. If the original says "medical care", then you should say "healthcare advancement" or any word or set of words that indicate the meaning of the original word or words used. Always provide the minimum 3 sentence word count for the restatement sections, those are the introduction and concluding summary. Aim to write at least 275 words so that you can really show off your writing abilities and English word knowledge. You are shortchanging yourself by writing only the minimum word count. If you aim only for the minimum word count, then you are aiming only for a minimal score on your essay. I am sure you don't want that right? Try your best to write at least 275 words, or up to 290 words for a better scoring chance.

This is actually a disproving discussion essay. Let me explain what disproving means before I proceed with my explanation of how to approach this type of essay next time.

Disproving - to prove (an assertion, claim, etc.) to be false or wrong; refute; invalidate:

So the format for each reasoning paragraph should be:
- Advantage claim
- Explanation of advantage claim
- Reason why you believe this is a disadvantage
- Example to prove your claim
- Supporting explanation for the example

Do that twice in the essay to represent 2 disproved advantage claims. That is the most effective format to use when writing an A/D essay.

Your conclusion is not effective as it is neither a conclusion summary nor a continued discussion of the topic. You should focus on learning how to develop a reverse paraphrase in this instance that allows you summarize all of the discussion points you previously presented in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Is sport nothing more than a leisure activity? [5]

Actually, your essay is running way too long for a task 2 essay. You wrote 379 words for an essay that should only have 275-290 words or 20-25 sentences in total. You cannot write this many words during the actual test with only 40 minutes to present a perfected essay. You should be focused on the content and its clarity, rather than the word count. Equal sentences per paragraph is non-existent. As long as you write 3-5 sentences per paragraph, you are all set. Don't worry about paragraph length equivalence. That is not scored. So it does not make sense to focus on presenting an equivalent paragraph in a visual sense.

You misunderstood the discussion requirement for the essay. You are not being asked to discuss your opinion based on both views. Rather, you are required to explain both points of view, from a public standpoint, and then offer your personal opinion after comparing both presentations. Why should you do it from a public point of view stance first? The essay uses the keywords "Some people" and "Others", meaning other people. Therefore, the "Discuss both views" aspect of the discussion requires you to explain why both sectors believe each side of the discussion. Then you offer a personal opinion based upon the side of the topic that you support. If you want to be able to fully utilize the sentences per paragraph when you do not know too much about the topic, use the public point of view explanation. It is easier to explain the point of view of other people in that case.

Do not start your concluding summary with "In conclusion" as that is a super memorized and overused phrase. Be more creative. You could instead say "Looking back on this topic..." You also have to find a way to restate the discussion topic, both points of view, and your personal opinion in an interesting manner. You presented this paragraph in a run-on manner, you should be using individualized sentences for the presentation. It helps with the clarity and coherence of the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] The world is heavily dependent on oil for energy [2]

Your essay has too many words. You should practice being direct to the point and not being over analytical in your discussion for an opinion essay. You should save the analysis for the task 1 essay presentation. In this instance, be direct to the point in the quickest way possible. While your presentation may be grammatically correct, you did produce more problems on the spelling, coherence, and clarity side. This stemmed from your over writing in the essay. If you had written the advised 250-290 words, you would have written the right amount of words, and avoided the pitfalls of long essays, which is the forced errors in other scoring sections. These errors remain unchecked because you tend to write too close to the 40 minute deadline, leaving you with little or no time to check your draft before submission.

Errors include:

Spelling:
breakthoughs = breakthroughs

Clarity ( better word choices help with clarity)
This will be shown viable by - This will be shown WORKABLE by
... energy could eliminate global warming... - ... could CUT global...

Conciseness ( for clarity issues)
... are capable of producing - ... can produce
In my opinion, the solar... - The solar power's
the solar power's - solar power

Overused Expression:
foreseeable future - near future

Your opening paraphrase is also incorrect. Your first sentence should be a proper restatement of the original topic, based on the same reasons provided in the original. It could have been:

Fossil fuel is not a finite source of power. Use of these non-renewable energy channel also has a direct effect on our environment via greenhouse effects. I believe that a viable alternative would be solar energy...

You did a better job on your concluding summary except, you forgot to include a restatement of the reasons why you chose solar power as a proper alternative energy source. By the way, since you are not showing ownership of solar power, you do not need to use an apostrophe S at the end of that word. You misused the punctuation mark in this instance

Essays / COVID 19 has changed the world in many ways. Share your views about it. [2]

Do not post just the prompt for the essay. You have to post your full essay for our review. If you want the essay written for you, then you must contact our professional writing and editing service via email. We do not write essays for students at the forum. We only review and edit the original content, as written by the student. We are a professional review service. All other services are optional. We cannot help you in this instance because you did not post the complete essay, only the prompt. You may want to try writing about the topic yourself then coming back here to have us review what you have completed so you can further improve your writing and content.

Writing Feedback / Physical or mental condition? A more crucial factor contributing to the success of a sports player [3]

Okay, so this is a compare and contrast essay with a personal opinion paragraph. Your prompt paraphrase is inaccurate and your essay is missing a concluding paragraph. You also failed to properly develop the explanation of your personal opinion in the presentation. So all of these errors will instantly add up to a failing score for your presentation.

Next, You mistakenly used a general discussion for the two public points of view in this presentation. The public point of view should use gender neutral pronouns for the presentation. Some gender neutral pronouns are they and their. This is also used a collective group pronouns in this discussion. The neutral / group pronouns are important to the presentation because your GRA score considers your ability to properly address points of view from several perspectives, using the correct pronoun each time. So for the public reasoning paragraphs, use the gender neutral pronouns and for the personal point of view, it will be first person pronoun representation in your writing. Make the gender free reference a part of the topic sentence of each public point of view discussion so that the general discussion aspect will be negated in the presentation, leaving only the proper point of view reference in the paragraph. You will get a better GRA score that way.

For TA scoring considerations, always present a proper paraphrase composed of:
- The topic
- First public point of view
- Second public point of view
- Discussion instruction

For the concluding paraphrase, you should be presenting:
- The topic
- First public point of view supporting statement.
- Second public point of view supporting statement
- Personal point of view restatement
- Closing sentence

An effective personal point of view discussion would include:
- The public point of view you support
- Your personal reason for supporting it
- An example to illustrate your support
- Additional supporting explanation(s)

I hope that you can do another essay that uses the Public and Personal point of view presentation for the discussion format. I would like to see how far more effective your discussion will be once you use the appropriate presentation and also, present a more appropriate prompt paraphrase and concluding summary.

Writing Feedback / Oversea traveling has become significantly popular - advantages and disadvantages to the community [3]

You did not properly deliver the restated prompt requirement. Although, you gave relevant reasoning topics in the discussion paragraph. Your paraphrase actually altered the discussion topic from the original as evidenced by:

Discussion Question: what are your opinions on this?
Response: it is international tourism that benefits the local community economically and socially.

Your response is not aligned with the discussion topic which is:
OT: Some feel International tourism this is a positive trend

Truth be told, I found the discussion topic to be quite confusing. Almost as if this is not a true Task 2 question and you just made it up so you could write a practice essay. None of my source materials for the original prompt could provide me with any clarity on the original prompt presentation which you accidentally misinterpreted when you tried to express it in your own words as the discussion title of this essay. So I will be advising you with some caution as your essay topic is unclear and indicated 2 different discussion formats for this essay.

Which is it? A personal opinion essay or an Advantage v disadvantage essay? Like I said, 2 different discussion formats. So I don't really know how to proceed with this. However, I will try to do something based on the work you presented.

Your opinion should have indicated whether you see this topic as an advantage or disadvantage. You mentioned that in your first sentence, but then failed to present an opinion that indicates if you see this as an advantage or disadvantage to the community, which is different from a positive or negative trend. The actual response you presented then spoke of benefits for the local community both economically and socially. All of which sends the discussion all over the place, without an actual focus. You are not really discussing a real topic here, nor are you discussing in a proper format. The instructions are just too vague and confusing for a proper content review of this work.

It will be wrong of me to review your grammar errors at this point. I do not even know if you are discussing the right topic in the right manner. Next time, do not fool around and try to restate the prompt in a shortcut form. Post the full prompt in the text box. Do not alter anything. That way I can give you proper advice based on the original discussion instructions.

Writing Feedback / There's an increasing number of people who choose to delay childbirth due to several reasons [6]

The 2nd question was, do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? your essay responds only to the reasons aspect. You did not properly discuss the single opinion point of view based on the A/D discussion format. This was supposed to be comparative essay of 5 paragraphs covering:

- Paraphrase + Reasons + Opinion outline
- Reason1
- Reason 2
- Response to A/D question
- Concluding summary

You can only do a comparative reasoning discussion for the reasons as to the direct response to the A/D question, you cannot give an equal importance discussion because the choice is either it is an advantage or a disadvantage. You were not asked to justify why the reasons are both an advantage and disadvantage. You need to make a decision, pick a side and support it. Otherwise, your essay will be scored down for not having a clear point of view. Your current essay doesn't really have a solid justifiable side presented here, since you presented an equal opportunity discussion, which was not the point of the essay question. Your essay will not get a passing score because you committed a few errors in your presentation

- You did not support a clear opinion / side for the discussion (advantage or disadvantage)
- The essay remained unclear and under developed as you did present a response to the first question, but failed to clearly and properly discuss the second

- The lack of clear opinion means you did not actually discuss the "outweigh" section of the prompt

Writing Feedback / IELTS SPEAKING PART 2 - Describe a job you would not like to do in the future [4]

The job is called singing, and the person doing the job of singing is called a singer. Use the correct descriptive words to add accuracy to your work. Try to be more creative in your approach regarding the opening statement. Don't be so direct to the point when writing a creative piece. You could have opened with:

Someone once asked me if there was any job that I would never do. I thought about it for a bit and decided that the work I could never see myself doing would have to be singing. I know, there are people who would do anything for such a high profile job. However, I have some really personal reasons for not wanting to participate in singing industry.

Give the reader a hook. Make sure you catch his interest before you start discussing your reasons. The hook is what should make him interested in the story you have to tell. Deliver an interesting scenario first, then present the topic. Don't just jump into it without building a foundation first. All essays require the presentation of a backstory, before you present the actual discussion. It makes for an effective essay,

Your explanation paragraphs are not very good. You have to focus on fully explaining each reason before launching into a second one. If you want to discuss the vocal chords, then offer a paragraph about that. Then, another paragraph for the good looks, then another one about loud music, and so on and so forth.

Your discussion went off topic when you discussed becoming a famous person. Not all singers are famous. Some are not celebrities, some are not YouTube sensations, some are just singing for the job. Do not mix them up. You are talking about a person whose job is to sing. Not a celebrity who is a singer. There is a big difference between the two occupations.

Writing Feedback / What are the reasons for bigger wage for celebrities than politicians? Evaluate this development. [3]

FYI, Pres. Donald Trump is a graduate of the Wharton School of Business. He is not just a celebrity. Before he became a celebrity, He was a military school graduate, and a college graduate. As a professional, he was a hugely successful businessman who led the Trump Organization for decades until he divested himself in favor of his children. He dealt with politicians and celebrities as a real estate mogul long before he became a TV host. So he is not the right person to use as an example in this instance. He has political knowledge and a politician's mindset, it is just not of the common political kind.

Your opening paraphrase does not reflect the original prompt. You used information that does not exist in the original presentation. It need to stick to the original topic representation. You could have said:

Superstars have a greater earning power than politicians these days. The reason for the reverse in income for these 2 occupations are caused by (present 2 connected reasons). Thinking about these reasons, I am convinced that this trend should be seen as a negative occurrence.

Your second reasoning paragraph totally disconnects from the given discussion instruction. The focus on Donald Trump doesn't make sense. He was already rich before he became a celebrity. Your opinion in that paragraph does not connect to the reason why celebrities earn more than politicians or vice versa. Always double check the original prompt against your draft discussion. Make sure you stay on track, do not deviate, you will receive points deductions for that in the TA and word count section. If your essay, without the irrelevant paragraph falls under the minimum word count, your essay score will be in trouble in the end.

Writing Feedback / Creativity should be used as the only true measure of intelligence - GRE Issue [2]

You discussed this essay from a singular point of view. You focused only on the defense of your position / opinion throughout the essay. You failed to use a compare and contrast format for the discussion. For every positive reason you present, you should be able to find a negative reason within it, or a counterargument. The counterargument is a required part of your discussion presentation. The instruction after all is to:

...be sure to addres the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

If you review your essay, you will see that you failed to include a challenging discussion to your position. The essay lacks clarity because you did not try to challenge your own position. The discussion you presented actually just went around in circles. It did not really establish the strength of your opinion. A position that would have been established if you had analyzed your own position for possible flaws in your reasoning.

You need to remember to use the compare and contrast format the next time you discuss a topic similar to this one. You may be able to use the following format next time:

- Topic sentence
- Reason you support the discussion
- Opposing discussion related to the topic sentence
- Reason why the opposition topic is supported by some
- Explanation why the opposition is incorrect

These content guides should help you write better reasoning paragraphs next time. These should help you get started on developing proper discussion paragraphs for topics such as these.

Writing Feedback / It is suggested that adolescents should work in their spare time to benefit society [5]

For starters, the opening paraphrase and the concluding summary are incomplete presentations. These need to be in the 3-5 sentence format. It has to accurately represent the discussion topics, the reasons, and the discussion instruction. In this case, you are missing out on the proper formatting of the respective paragraphs. Remember, the opening and closing paragraphs are both restatements of the original discussion, just done in 2 different ways to show that you are capable of restating the discussion in various ways, without losing the center of the discussion.

While you gave a good reason and response in the opening paraphrase, you do not need to use an "extent" representation for the discussion. It is a mere agree or disagree essay. Use the correct format for your response because there are required response formats for each type of discussion instruction. Learn the difference and make sure to respond to the discussion instructions accordingly.

You will be able to score better in the reasoning paragraphs, deliver clearly developed explanations, and also assure yourself of a coherent and cohesive discussion, if you can manage to stick to one discussion topic per paragraph. In the reasoning paragraphs that you developed, your first line of reason is always well presented. It meets the requirements for a clearly developed paragraph discussion. The second line, usually comes across as little to no development presented aside from the discussion topic. If you cannot fully connect the two reasons using connecting sentences or phrases, you should not introduce a second topic. It will not connect with the first topic. No, numerical ordinals do not count as a connecting anything. Counting out your reasons do not add clarity of explanations to the presentation.

The second reasoning paragraph feels like a prompt deviation. You are presenting an opinion that represents what you think children should do with their spare time. You are not to discuss anything that is not included in the discussion instruction. Since your opinion is not required, only a general discussion should be presented. One that does not include a personal topic that is connected to the discussion, but is an unnecessary discussion as it is not relevant to the provided discussion instructions.

Writing Feedback / It is believed that salary is the most important priority when choosing a job. I partially agree. [4]

There is a problem with the exam takers who insist on taking a "partly" stance in the given discussion. The TA scoring section clearly indicates that the exam taker who "does not express a clear position" cannot get a TA score higher than 3. An additional reason that this score will be given is that it; "presents few ideas, which are largely undeveloped..." That lack of development and clarity comes from having to defend 2 sides in a 2 reasoning paragraph allotment when it should be 2 reasons strongly supporting your given opinion. There is a lack of opinion development and explanation in a "partly" discussion. It does not follow the required response for the prompt given. As such, when you are asked for a degree of measurement in your response, it is not a numerical measurement, but rather, an emotional measurement response to a single opinion. Emotional response as in "I strictly believe that..." or "I hold a strong belief in..."

A single opinion represents a clear position in the discussion. That clarity will proceed to result in a higher TA and C&C score. The C&C score relies on the connectivity of your discussion points and the clear expression of your solid support for a given opinion. Without the clarity of your opinion, by choosing a single opinion and explaining the strength of your support for it, your essay will find it difficult to achieve a passing score. The fact that you failed to offer a clear opinion, along with the existing grammar and conciseness errors in your essay will result in an overall low score for the essay.

Writing Feedback / The information on coffee and tea consumption and interest in drinks in 5 Australian cities [4]

Try to do a better summary next time. Make sure that you don't just skim over the information. Directly provide the information so that the summary will definitely provide a complete short listing of information. Always provide:

- Image type (provided)
- Measurement source (Incomplete. Must provide the name of the 5 cities)
- Measurement type (not provided)
- Measurement classification
- Trending statement (Provided)

Provide a total of 5 sentences in that section. This helps to outline the source information and how each data set has affected the report you will be providing.The summary overview is the most important part of this task, so you have to make sure that you always provide the most complete summary of information for the examiner to assess.

You have forgotten that using a comma to separate related information in a sentence is required part of the GRA punctuation scoring considerations. When listing related information, always use a comma to indicate separation. It adds to the clarity of the presentation in that sentence. Additionally, your sentences are too long in every paragraph. You are not showing enough mix of complex and simple sentences because of this. Instead, you are offering constant run-on presentations, which do not necessarily reflect a clear sentence nor proper sentence composition. Try to format your sentences in a manner that utilizes more punctuation marks and sentence structures.

Writing Feedback / Response to the recommendation from the Board of Directors of Monarch Books [2]

Amazing! I do believe that you have written a 5 scoring essay response here. Although there are some problems with your word choices and sentence structures, You did a good job of clearly explaining your analysis of the given situation. You definitely show elements of effective writing in this case. However, I would have liked to see even more sentence variety from you in the presentation. Also, maybe brush up on your every day English vocabulary? You have a tendency to use some words out of context. Examples of these are:

Will opening a cafe avert some customers?

The word avert doesn't feel natural in this presentation. I think you should have used other alternatives like divert or deter. These are more naturally sounding word alternatives that mean the same thing, to turn away clients.

Towards the end, you suddenly indicated, "opening a store". The board of directors are not recommending the opening of a store, they are suggesting the opening of a cafe within the store. Those are two different presentations but I can see why you would become confused. The cafe was opening in the store so you thought a new store was being opened. Let's chalk that one up to word confusion on your part. No matter, it did not affect your overall presentation anyway.

Writing Feedback / THE GRAPHS BELOW SHOW THE PERCENTAGE OF DIFFERENT ELEMENTS IN THREE TYPES OF DIETS [4]

Why are you dividing your essay into 4 incomplete paragraphs when you should be presenting a total of 3 complete paragraphs only? A complete paragraph format is composed of 3-5 sentences. Each sentence is a stand alone thought or representation. It must not be in run-on sentence form. Your 4 paragraph essay, due to your desire to create 4 paragraphs, ended up presenting run-on sentences, using only a comma and a period as a representation of your GRA skills. You did not do a very good job with this presentation. It feels rushed, not really analytical in presentation. You appear to have more than 1 trending statement as well. It would be better if you use the 3 paragraph system. It helps you avoid presenting run-on sentences and offers you a better opportunity to showcase your GRA skills by allowing you to use more than just a comma and period in your presentation. You can also use a parenthesis, semi-colon, and a fractional presentation of data, or other analytical styles as well. The possibilities are endless under the 3 paragraph format. You do not limit yourself in the manner that the 4 paragraph manner does.

Writing Feedback / Some feel international tourism is a positive trend, while others do not. What are your opinions? [2]

Since this is a Task 2 essay, you should be writing no more than 250-290 words. The time allotment is only 40 minutes within which you need to draft, review, correct grammar errors, and polish your essay. You focused on the word count, hoping this would increase your overall score. The opposite is what happened, you created several errors throughout the essay that will definitely have an impact on your final score. Even without knowing the actual prompt requirement, I can already see that there are several grammar errors in your presentation that will definitely impact your final score. Let's get started on those errors.

Comma Usage:
At the end the - At the end , the

Informal phrase usage:
reason why - reason

Conciseness (Clarity Issues):
drawbacks can be seen as - drawbacks can be
affordable almost for - affordable for
an optimal balance - the best balance
We can observe all over - We can see all over

I would have been able to do a content review for you if you had provided a copy of the original prompt. I need to know the original discussion topic and instructions to do that. So for now, I cannot review your paraphrase section, nor can I review the concluding statement for accuracy since I do not have any idea what the original discussion was about.

Writing Feedback / The graph informs about changes in the number of books read by boys and girls at Starmouth's library [2]

NOTE: Only trained contributors can score essays. Student scoring = Suspension !!!

I hope you won't mind if I do not score your first Task 1 essay. It is our forum policy not to score the first essay that the student provides because that is the essay that the contributor uses to assess the writing skill and errors of the student. It is only meant to help me guide you going forward. You are normally scored on the second essay onward since you will already have received writing improvement advice from a contributor based on the errors you had in the first essay. I assure you, the second Task 1 essay you present will be scored.

The first problem with this essay is that you wrote too many words. The word requirement for the Task 1, 20 minute essay is 150-190 words, with 175 being the mid-range word count to help you achieve a passing or higher score. You wrote 256 words for this essay. That word count is indicative of the Task 2, 40 minute writing test. Do not write too many words. Long essays often provides more error opportunities for the writer when compared to the summaries of proper word count. This is only a summary, not a research report. It is a quick summation of information. It does not require over analysis or opinions, not even a concluding statement. All of those are used on the Task 2 essay.

The trending statement can be presented anywhere in the essay. However, as a stand alone paragraph at the end of the essay, it appears more as an opinion or concluding statement, which is not necessary in this presentation. That is why it is oftentimes better to attach the trending statement to the 3-5 sentence summary overview, or first paragraph.

Your first paragraph, which represents the summary overview is only 1 sentence long. It is not complete in information:
- Type of graph (incorrect, line graph not just a graph)
- Information source ( provided)
- Years indicated (provided)
- Measurement type ( provided)
- Trending statement

There is an error in your presentation. The years indicated shows an incorrect start date. It started in 2006 not 2009, The TA score will be reduced due to inaccuracy of information. You also missed out on presenting the clear overlapping measurement that occurred in 2011. It was equal for boys and girls. There was no reference to that in the report.

Your grammar is not bad, but it is not that good either. You need to practice proof reading your work.

Spelling errors:
droped - dropped

Word Choice:
Beside that - Besides that

Singular or Plural:
number of book read - number of books read (number indicates plural word count)

Avoid uncertain words:
went up considerably - went up

Conciseness:
In spite of - Despite

Use a comma between clauses:
the number droped and the - the number dropped, and the

These are the reasons why we never score the student on his first writing exercise. It is unfair to score you on your first attempt. You are not really sure of how to write yet. Using the above review, you now have a starting point for your future writing improvement. You also know which weak points in grammar usage you need to focus on. I look forward to reading your next essay and scoring it.

Writing Feedback / Some say that news has no connection with most people's life and it is waste of time for most of us [3]

I take i that you are self-studying for the IELTS test? I believe that this is the case because you did not know about the minimum word requirement for the Task 2 essay. You are required to write no less than 250 words, but no more than 290 words. When I checked the word count for your essay, it appears that you wrote only 224 words. That is way under the word count. You are short by 26 words. Which means you will receive a sizeable percentage deduction for your work.

So aside from the low word count, you also have certain grammar errors in the essay that will also reduce your per criteria scoring. That means, the essay will not be able to achieve a passing band score.

You did not provide the complete prompt for this essay. Had you provided a proper 3-5 sentence paraphrase of the original discussion in the first paragraph, I would have been able to present a better review of your work. Since you did not provide a complete restatement, you will receive an even further reduced TA score. The same problem exists in your concluding paragraph.

Your reasoning paragraphs also need to be developed further in terms of discussion reasons, supporting examples, and additional considerations. The essay is really poorly developed. It is not worthy of a passing score at this point. There are too many failures in your presentation for the essay to be considered for even a passing mark. The math, based on errors, just don't add up to a passing score.

Undergraduate / KGSP scholarship - I should not overlook this opportunity [3]

Your essay is way too long. You are supposed to fit the information, as required by the discussion instructions in the e-appplication form on a single sided A-4 sized paper. You are using 2 full sides of an A-4 sized paper for your response. So you are obviously writing way too much for the application. Your essay will either be rejected by the system or, it will be cut at the point where the A4 sized paper maxes out with the word count.

So, you will need to review your essay and cut out all unnecessary portions to make it suit the needs of the application. You can definitely remove the totality of the last paragraph of your personal statement. That is not a required element based on the prompt instructions. Please, go back and write a totally new essay. If you do not have a copy of the discussion points. Let me give it to you here:

- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.

Review your response in accordance with the above discussion requirements. Keep your response short and relevant. Make sure you do not include unnecessary information about your interest in Korea and other similar useless information. If it is not part of the discussion topics provided, do not present it in the essay. The reviewer has no use for that information at this point as you are not applying for a masters degree scholarship. That is the GKS scholarship that requires a Why Korea discussion. Use an A4 sized paper format when you type your revised response. That is the only way you can create an applicable personal statement.

Writing Feedback / The enormous numbers of cars is the cause of a huge number of traffic congestion [3]

Your prompt rephrasement became incorrect because of the first sentence. It was unnecessary to indicate that since it was not part of the original prompt discussion. You should only mention information that relates to the original prompt. Do not add any information just to spice up your presentation.

I urge you to not use memorized and commonly used English phrases such as "On the bright side". You could simply say, "There are 2 reasons why people paying car taxes could have benefits. Higher taxes means... In addition to that..."

Your advantage reasoning paragraph shows cohesion and coherence in a manner that, though not depicted in perfect English, still shows a connection between the first 2 topics you presented in the paragraph. However, you were not able to build up the third reason. So that would have scored down your essay as more parts would have better developed than other parts of the reasoning paragraph. Try to discuss no more than 2 connected reasons per paragraph to avoid that problem.

Your disadvantage paragraph is not as well developed as your second reasoning paragraph. You did not fully discuss each reason that you presented. Then, there was the 3rd reason which, again, you failed to properly discuss in the paragraph. The lack of development in this paragraph is what will cause the reduction of your TA and final score.

Now, there are several problem points in your presentation. These mostly have to do with vocabulary and word usage. These are additional reasons that will cause greater points deductions in your paper.

Spelling:
morden - modern
dimishing - diminishing
accidnets - accidents
univveral - universal
pelple - people

Grammar:
Word Choice:
everyday - every day it
merits - its merits

Singular - Plural
This finances - these finances

Verb form after helping verb:
taxes would diminishing - ... would be diminishing
would falling out - would be falling out

There are even more errors in the essay but I will be rewriting your whole essay if I correct all of the existing errors. You should make sure to practice your sentence development exercises and make yourself more familiar with the English writing rules. There are online free exercises that can help you accomplish that.

Undergraduate / My answer prompt for essay question 1 of GSEP Program Application in Titech. [2]

Your essay is far off base, you actually forgot what the original prompt is about. You were being asked for the reasons that you chose to apply to this specific university. Not why you decided to apply for the scholarship. The expected response is 2 fold:

- An explanation of what your future career ambitions are
- How the university program fits with this future ambition

So your paragraphs should be specific in response as:
Par. 1: How you learned about the university
Par. 2: How you chose your course
Par. 3: What specific course programs are directed towards your future training
Par. 4: What specific academic and career objectives you hope to achieve during your time as a student at the university

Using the outline above, your response will be quick, objective, and relevant to the course of your choice along with the reason why the university was chosen.

Writing Feedback / The chart shows the sales revenue in dollars at three branches of a bank in the first quarter - 2000 [3]

Where did you get the bank name? It appears that you made it up? It wasn't included in the chart you provided and the instructions you gave indicated a general reference to a bank, no specific name. If there was no specific name in the image provided, you do not need to make one up. You can simply say "unnamed bank". That happens sometimes. Do not feel the need to make up information where none is provided. It makes the information presentation inaccurate. Since this is a data report, you need to present precise, accurate data. That means, do not include information not found in the chart.

The summary overview is not really complete. You should be presenting the information about the branch names, the value used for the turnover, and the trending statement. Your trending statement will be most useful in increasing your score if you combine it with the summary overview since the trending statement creates a concluding presentation for the overall observed information.

Do not say "As can be seen" because your mindset has to be that the examiner will not have access to the image, so your report should create a mental picture of the information you are presenting. Be more imaginative than "As can be seen". Say something about the chart movement in relation to the information you want to say, is it a downward, upward, or stagnant presentation? Does it fluctuate in results? Consider using more imaginative descriptive words. By the way, the names I mistook for bank names? Those are actually bank branches. So do not refer to it as a bank name. Use alternatives to branch such as: arm, chapter, office, section, or wing. There are other possible references that you can figure out later on.

Good work with the information presentation. It is relatively clear considering you had to write this within 20 minutes only. Your work is informative and highlights the comparison discussion based on facts. You stayed on track with the sentence requirements. You may try to aim for 5 sentences per paragraph next time, just to increase your scoring potential. I know you can do it. I see the evidence in front of me.

I believe you can score well in this writing section. You just need practice and proper guidance. I hope I can do that for you. I hope I wasn't too harsh with my critique of your work. I am here to help you and sometimes, students don't want to hear what is wrong with their work. They just want to hear what they did right, which isn't going to help them improve. I try to balance my advice between the positives of the essay and the negatives.

Writing Feedback / ESSAY: The power of speaking or writing [2]

Your essay is not a very good first effort because you failed to understand the rudimentary requirements of this type of discussion. You cannot merely say you support a discussion, you need to deliver an emotional response to the question (e.g. I strongly advocate in support of this point of view). You should also have given the 2 reasons why you support the point of view, with the indication that you would be building on the discussion in the later parts of the discussion. By the way, this is not a debate, it is a discussion. Never use inflammatory words such as debated, hotly debated, argued, etc.

You must never refer to any researched reference. I do not care if you frame it as a recently viewed TED Talk. That is still not part of the suggested personal opinion, public knowledge, or personal experience. You should have framed it as a personal point of view, using either a general reference or first person pronoun. You are not allowed to refer to researched information, even if you frame it as something you heard in the past. You are going to score better using the suggested information sources as you will be able to show your proficiency in English grammar usage.

This type of essay uses only 2 supporting discussion paragraphs. You cannot alter your discussion to turn it suddenly into a comparative discussion. That will tell the reviewer that you either did not understand the instructions totally, or you changed your mind mid-writing. That will indicate that you do not have a true and clear opinion, thus failing your TA score. Use a single opinion defense for all agree or disagree, and extent essays.

You concluding paraphrase does not exist. You need to present only 3-5 sentences in every paragraph. The concluding paraphrase should represent a new prompt restatement plus the 2 reasons you provided that support you point of view.

Try to write another essay of the same discussion type but a different topic. Trying to rewrite the same essay might result in an account suspension on your part. So, don't do it. Write a new essay and you will be sure to get a new review from me.

Scholarship / KGSP-U Personal Statement for Pol Sci and Int'l Relations (First Draft) [5]

Frankly speaking, your essay is way too dramatic. It is coming across more similarly to the plot line of a K-Novela, overly acted and stretched out. The reviewers do not have the time to go through such a wordy essay. They prefer direct to the point responses to the questions asked. Stick to the given script. That way your essay will become shorter and more interesting to read.

Mention the actual competitions you joined, make sure to indicate your placement. If possible, mention only your first place wins. That way you come across a student filled with potential. Try to make your presentations more concise. Do not feel the need to over explain. If you make it past the screening round, you can be sure that the interviewer will have questions to ask based on your written interviews. Keep it short but informative. The idea is to get you past the screening round, without risking a case of TMI or boring the interviewer who has 200 other essays to read that day. Keep the presentation within a 5-10 minute read. The shorter, but informative, the better.

Paragraph 5 isn't really a requirement for this discussion. I would take that part out if I were you. It forces the essay to become longer than it actually should be. If you must include additional information, make it about the person who influenced you the most towards pursuing this college degree. Keep on track. Double check the prompt requirements, take out the parts that don't really add information as per the prompt requirements.

This essay is balanced in the sense that it isn't a very strong application essay, but it isn't a weak essay either. You need to focus more on the prompt requirements and limit the discussion of irrelevant points such as the K-novela reference, the contact with the former scholars, and your interactions with Koreans. The essay tends to feel like you are trying to impress the reviewer, to the point of sucking up. That never works with this type of application. In fact, it could have an adverse reaction with regards to your application.

Since you are in contact with former scholars, you may opt to follow their instructions or, you may opt to follow mine. Just remember, what worked for them, may not work for you, specially since the educational landscape has changed post Covid-19. That is why your essay needs to be more focused on the required discussion points. Be less dramatic, more informative. Do not try to tug at the heart chords of the reviewer with your words. He will appreciate a direct and frank discussion, sans all the extra drama your excessive flowery writing has created.

Writing Feedback / There are various reasons why schools have serious issues with pupils acting [2]

I do not feel that you have written enough words in this essay to truly reflect your English vocabulary, command of grammar, and opinion presentation. You would score better if you wrote a minimum of 275 words instead. That way you will have written enough sentences to reflect your skills in the aforementioned areas, which all relate directly to each scoring rubic for this task.

Your prompt paraphrase is composed of memorized phrases of English words that does not appropriately address the discussion points regarding the causes and solutions to the given problem. Since the words causes and solutions are in plural form, you will need to present a discussion outline that represents 2 connected causes and 2 connected solutions. Each pair of discussion topics must be completely discussed within 2 paragraphs namely; the causes and solutions. This means, the essay will have a 4 paragraph format. Expect deductions for using memorized phrases that incompletely represents the original prompt (there is no clear paraphrase), and the lack of discussion outline as a part of the introduction.

Rather than using a numerical ordinal for your presentation, use topic sentences instead. These counts are nothing but word fillers that do not really help to highlight your writing skills. Simply use a topic sentence at the start of the paragraph, then use a transition sentence midstream to connect it to the next topic. A transitional sentence will help you score better in terms of C&C considerations. It would be better if you could use related topics in this instance. Such as:

Topic 1: Parents to not have time to teach their children manners and conduct
Topic 2: Parents rely on have a misconception that the school will teach children to behave

The focal point of your discussion are the parent's responsibilities. That is why you used them as your first topic sentence in the paragraph. Therefore, the succeeding discussion points in that paragraph should relate to them. Or, another approach would be, to have you present the paragraph as follows:

Topic 1: Parents failure to teach discipline
Topic 2: Parents need to teach discipline using modern parenting methods

Either format will work well for the essay. You just need to be sure to stay on point regarding the related topics because the C&C score will weigh heavily on that aspect.

The concluding paragraph has the same problems. You did not restate the problem, nor the discussion instruction. There was no mention of your discussion points, and you did not really present a closing sentence to show the discussion has ended on the expected presentation format.

Writing Feedback / People have a tendency to involve in many particular fields and develop themselves in different jobs [3]

You did not write a Task 2 essay, you wrote a research paper. The task 2 essay should never go beyond 250-290 words. 275 words being the most ideal word presentation. While I do applaud your skills in English writing, the point of the essay is to show the examiner your ability to clearly explain yourself using less words. That shows your ability to understand and discuss in English, using an academic manner based on simple English homework requirements. You do not have to aim to write a research paper, you merely have to write a quick response paper.

It is clear that you have a strong knowledge of the English vocabulary. However, this knowledge did not serve you well in the essay because you made several C&C, formality, and punctuation errors in the essay. All of which will work to pull down you score, regardless of your number of words. Additionally, you ended up writing a 5 paragraph essay in a response that uses the standard 4 paragraph presentation. You over discussed, over analyzed, and over presented the topic. You cannot do that

Refer to the rundown of the errors I found in your paper:

Plural word form usage:
For many, especially young adults, supplementing incomeS not only supply themselves essential needs but also provideS them opportunities ...

Connecting word requirement:
if workers do not possess A disposition

Use relevant simple vocabulary in simple presentations:
.. . benefits accrued from... - benefits gained

Comma usage before the word "and":
For the young, taxing, and challenging...
job security, high income , and cush tasks

Conciseness:
... have to cope with - must cope with
have a tendency to - tend to

Avoid Contractions in formal writing at all times:
Let's - Let us

Do not use informal word presentations:
Cushy - comfortable

Proper adverb usage:
... the job again is very high - extremely high

Since the essay is not asking you present a personal opinion, you should not be presenting one anywhere in the essay. By the way, your concluding paragraph does not summarize the discussion points so expect to lose points for presenting an open ended rather than concluded essay. See? Even though you wrote a very long essay, because it does not meet the requirements for the task, you will still receive sizeable point deductions in the end.

Writing Feedback / I lost my friend - a sad event and what you learn from the event [2]

I am not allowed by forum policy to rewrite this essay for you to correct the errors in your presentation. Any student who chooses to rewrite the total essay for you will also be suspended for doing so. The most I can do is offer a few correction points, without writing the essay all over again.

she called me to accompany her. - ... spend time with her
She said that she was suffered from depression - suffering
I heard her voice which was panic and helpless - panic and helplessness in her voice
I wasn't believed in the news. - I did not believe...

Unfortunately, these are the only corrections I can give you, without having to rewrite every error filled sentence that you produced in your essay. I strongly urge you to download more sentence building exercises so that you can improve your sentence structures and you can learn more about proper verb usage, adjective placement, and word choices. These will help you improve your writing skills for sure. Do not just focus on writing essays without improving your sentence building skills, you need to work on both simultaneously.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Writing - Many people believe that Internet access for children can be dangerous. [4]

Your response format is incorrect. What you wrote is considered to be a comparative essay based on a benefit and drawback discussion. The proper discussion calls for a measured response to the given question. Therefore, this essay will fail due to your obvious lack of English comprehension skills. You failed to understand the discussion question, which provided the discussion format that was to be presented within a 4 paragraph discussion.

The question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
Your Response: I personally believe that it also provides benefits when utilized in a proper way.

As you can clearly see, the question requires a yes or no response with a degree of agreement or disagreement such as:

I heavily support/ do not support
I fully support / do not support
I imperatively feel that this discussion must be / must not be supported / not supported

The above are but a few of the measured responses that you could use to show you strong support or non support for the discussion topic. You could outline your 2 reasons, without any actual discussion as a part of your question response to help create a discussion outline for the essay.

The response requires that you discuss this essay using 2 reasons that support your point of view. The agree or disagree essays are always single opinion presentations. Unless specified as an A/D or comparison essay in the instruction, always support only one point of view throughout your discussion.

Your concluding paragraph is used as a summary of the discussion. It should not be single sentence presentation. Rather, it should represent the same information as the introduction paraphrase in a new manner, this time adding your reasons for your supported opinion.

Kindly remember that the format for each paragraph should not be more than 250-290 words. I always advise students to write at least 275 words to make sure that if any word deductions are applied, the essay will still fall under the minimum word requirement. That means, you should write no more than 3-5 sentences per paragraph. The most common paragraph format for the task 2 essay is 4 paragraphs, unless you are doing a compare, contrast, and personal opinion presentation which is given a 5 paragraph format.

As such, you have written too many words for this task 2 essay. Write only the right number of words so that you can focus on quality of work, which you are scored upon. You do not gain extra points for writing a longer essay that has several errors in relation to grammar, formality, and spelling errors, of which your essay is guilty of.

For now, I will just point out these general errors to you. I will give you a chance to write a more appropriate response, based on the corrections provided, for a new topic. Do not rewrite the same topic as your account will automatically be suspended if you do so. Apply the information you have learned to a new piece of topic writing instead.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people are spending more time at their workplace. Why is it? Is it positive or negative? [3]

You have to learn to focus on the questions being asked in the essay. That is, directly respond to:
- Why is it?
- Is it a positive or a negative?

Do not give vague responses to the questions in the paraphrase. Instead, give on definite reason for the why question and another solid opinion for the positive or negative. You should pick only one side to discuss for that part of the response paragraphs. Either you see it as a positive or a negative. You cannot see it as both as you are going to be given scoring consideration for the clarity of your opinion which, when you say there are both positives and negatives to a discussion, indicates that you do not have an opinion to actually support. You are not given a "maybe" option in the discussion, so you have to pick between the two sides presented only. Pick one to support. The side that you know you can clearly explain your support for in the second reasoning paragraph.

Your first reasoning paragraph, in relation to the why, would have been better presented if you had not presented an under represented second discussion topic in the paragraph. You completely developed the first 3 sentences with the first example. All you had to do, was add 2 more sentences to help support your first reason. The second reason that you presented, had no chance of properly being developed because it was lacking in supporting sentence references. That is the main reason why you should present only one reason per paragraph, unless otherwise specified.

Like I previously indicated, your perspective discussion is not being presented in the expected format. This is only a 4 paragraph essay. It was never meant to be a 5 paragraph presentation as this is not a comparative discussion essay. It is only a single opinion presentation. If you outline the discussion points, you will see that you need only 4 paragraphs because:

Par. 1: Paraphrase + direct response
Par. 2: Why paragraph
Par. 3: Positive or negative discussion
Par. 4: Concluding paraphrase

Your essay was never concluded. You only presented additional discussion points in the end, which created an open ended essay. There was no clear conclusion representing the restatement of:

- The topic
- The why
- The personal opinion
- A closing sentence