Writing Feedback / "Mark." - a story research [15]


Hei Edward! That's okay... people quickly improve their skill when they practice together here. I hope you always read the sentences aloud, forming the words with your mouth so that the brain gets a full experience of the correct grammar.

Speak each sentence when you know the grammar is correct, and you will be reprogramming the brain in the necessary way.

I like your username!! It spreads good feelings.

Undergraduate / Oscar Luis Puelles "My Journey started in Peru" [18]

...interest in how money flows and the overall economy functions; that's why I want to learn how markets and businesses work because my American dream has been going America, mastering in Economics, and being part of a banking institution -- a financial or consulting firm, like Boston Consulting Group. After the 2008 financial collapse, a new part of my American dream became influencing those enterprises to keep them productive without causing economic havoc and contributing to success without financial regulation that does not suffocate business, through fair trade with China, and through innovative methods I will develop based on expertise I gain at NAME OF SCHOOL. My search for that dream was to become ...

Awesome, dude. You got it. Now all the time we spent was worth it. It is hard to commit to a plan, but you got it. Now you can set deadlines and short term goals for yourself based on this plan. When you completely transform the world economy, I am going to remind you that you worked on your idea in this thread.

See, the thing is... you have to be able to EXPRESS your plan. Then, you can act. That is what we call "magic words." I think these magic words will really be quite effective for making the reader want to give you an opportunity.

Great job!

Please consider joining the contributors if you have time:

Writing Feedback / Describe some of the problems overreliance on cars can cause and 1 solution [4]

Accompanying with the continuous development of technology are the surprising advancements in the way people commute. ----Do not write "accompanying with." To accompany means to "got with" so it is awkward to write with in this situation.

As a result, our society is threatened by some negative impacts of this decision, and ______________________ (Right here, I think you should give the main idea you are sharing with the essay. Then, end the first paragraph.)

First and foremost, traffic jams represent is a ubiquitous problem, not only in ...

No apostrophe:... the main reason why traffic jams are currently so scary and horrible. If everyone persists in driving, this circumstance will be even worse.

:-)

Writing Feedback / USE OF CCTV CAMERAS (IELTS ESSAY) [6]

Hi Sangeetha, let's fine tune this a little... Use building instead of premises. "Premises" is a confusing word.
...in reducing crimes and protecting the employees in a building .

Nevertheless, some argue that these cameras invade their privacy rivacies by creating a situation in which they are constantly being monitored.

Even so, I strongly believe that CCTV cameras should be installed in every premise to combat the ever increasing theft rate and to protect the workers at the workplace, because_______________ (Give the reason why you think fighting crime is more important than privacy.)

Above, it is not enough to state your opinion. You should give the reason why you opt for one view rather than the other. However, I am just giving you advanced writing instruction. For the IETLS this is great!!!

Hence, the installation of CCTV cameras may help the employees escape this situation because the customers know very well that their conversations are recorded. ---Great example!

Looking from another perspective, the use of CCTV cameras does do cause controversy. Those opposing the CCTV systems feel that their privacies are invaded with the constant monitoring of the cameras. However, one must realize that safety is of paramount importance compared to---Oh, very good job here.

Do not use Ergo, though. It is a stupid word! Ha ha, i don't really mean that. It is just a word people do not often use. it seems like "trying to sound smart."

To conclude, CCTV cameras are essential and therefore must be installed in every building. ---Every building?

Undergraduate / "My trip to Israel-new perspectives" - Michigan State University app essay [2]

Great writing, Eddie!

I think this essay is too short to begin with so much description. I want you to hit the reader hard in the face with your main idea. It is important to jerk the fishing pole right away, as soon as the fish bites:

During a family vacation, the scene in Tel Aviv turned into a dramatic one when my father suspected a man stealing something from my mother's purse. The hair on my hands was standing up, and I felt light-headed. Both my father and the man were screaming at each other in their own languages; a language barrier was set. I was screaming to my dad that the man was merely trying to put back my mother's cell phone that dropped out. (Now add a brilliant thesis statement that drops a concept in the reader's lap... the main idea of the essay.)

:-)

Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]

Okay, Elaine, I found it! I win, it was another person who wrote it: How to use quotation marks at the end of a sentence.

See!!?

So there!! :-b <---------That is my little smiley guy sticking his tongue out at you.

I appreciate you raising this discussion topic, irregardless of the fact that you blamed the wrong guy.

Bwahahahahahah....!

Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]


Hi Elaine,
No way!! I bet you 5 bucks I never used irregardless. :-) Maybe it was someone else's thread and I just contributed.

Well, then again, sometimes my brain is tired and I suppose I might have copy/pasted someone a sentence someone else wrote...

Anyway, I don't claim taht I have perfect grammar all the time, but I am pretty sure I would not use that word, ha ha. I have made fun of people before for using IRREGARDLESS. People use it to mean the same as REGARDLESS. I am going to go search for that post right now! Thanks for telling me about it. Got a link?

And Elaine, if you know about that sort of rule, I think you must be a strong grammarian. We are lucky to have you here!

Writing Feedback / "Should fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood" - ILETS exam [4]

CAPITALIZATION:
Do not capitalize mother.
Sometimes you will see it capitalized if it is used like a name:
She told her brother, "If you hit me again, I will tell Mother."
But if you use it in a way that is not like a name, do not capitalize:
She told her brother, "If you hit me again, I will tell our mother."
Do you see the difference?

One way, it is capitalized because it is like a name:
She told her brother, "If you hit me again, I will tell Pete."
She told her brother, "If you hit me again, I will tell Mother."

REFERRING TO FATHERS AND MOTHERS:
In this situation, use the plural form to show that you are referring to all fathers and mothers:
In the past, mothers seemed to be more attached with child since birth, as she was always around child to fulfill the basic needs of child. On the other hand, fathers used to be expected to give financial support to child by working hard to fulfill the basic needs of the child, like food, education, and other necessary demands. of child. ---The plural form helps you to show that you are talking about all fathers and mothers.

:-)

Undergraduate / The children's library was my sanctuary. My wonderland. [7]

Biology is greek for the study of life. ---Is it Greek? Anyway, capitalize Greek.

Capitalize:
T o me, it's the ...

...study of the most miraculous gift that has ever been bestowed upon us. It is the study of the wonder, beauty and the mystery that is life itself and to study it is to learn humility, responsibility and gratitude and I am grateful for the chance to study it. (Now add a sentence that will express the main theme of the essay and help you transition into talking about your sister.

unaware of what or who surrounded her.

I wandered through the long stretched hallways trying to escape the stench of death, but it followed me everywhere.---Excellent writing here. The best writing always comes from painful experiences

Use an apostrophe after the s:
I was also in the gifted and talented students' program at ...

This is not a complete sentence:
Although I was only self-taught. ----I added a hyphen, too!

Do not capitalize here:
As I have gained a lot from my previous studies and experiences, now is the time I answer to my calling.

My desire for studying biology has never disappeared, just temporarily hidden from expectation. I came across a sea of obstacles but they never hindered my efforts to reach my goal.

I am extremely excited at about the prospect of ...

Nice job!! The tough times you endured will make you a great biologist/physician/researcher. Enjoy your upcoming success!!

Undergraduate / "Glimmer of hope" - My first common-app, country [7]

Hmm... I don't know if habitual can be used that way. I might be a habitual criminal offender, but I don't know if that makes the criminal offenses habitual. You are a habitual walker, but I don't know if the walk is habitual. You should check the definition... I am not sure...


Political faith... sounds cool... but... maybe you should write religious faith and political affiliation.

Anyway, like Ana said before, this is a strong essay!!

Writing Feedback / About Water - Water is the most important in our world [5]

Water is having a lot of benefits to us benefits us in many ways.

Besides that, water can rehydrates rehydrate our bodies. Playing games and working, our perspiration will cause us become dehydrated. Dehydration will cause us many health problems, and this may require us to drink water to rehydrate.

When we playing, working, studying and so on, we will be fatigued.

We need water to recharge alleviate fatigue so we can continue our activities.

Fatigue can having have detrimental effects on us, mentally and physically.

Mental fatigue will make a person become sleepy and decrease the attention of the person, whereas physical fatigue will make a person's muscles become painful and tired.

All of these symptoms of fatigue will make people become sluggish.

Last but not least, water can help a person detoxes detoxify and cleanse her or him of bacteria.

In this whole world, there were is nothing to help us detox and cleanse better than water.Water is the best agent.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Death penalty or a life in prison for murderers? [4]

Do not say WELL PROMINENT. Prominent is not the kind of word that goes with "well."

The question that whether or not our society should pursue death penalty is currently well prominent among activists.

From my perspective, each side of the argument has their own reasons and this issue still needs more careful scrutiny in order to be assessed adequately. It is better if you take a stand a choose a side. At the end of the first paragraph, tell whether you agree or not. :-)

On one hand, modern philanthropists (Choose a different word. A philanthropist is one who donates money.) all over the world are denouncing death penalty as a cruel and brutal punishment.

They argue that when criminals actually committed to a crime, it is essential for judges to consider all the reasons behind the act.

As a matter of fact, in most cases of homicide, the murderer is just a certain consequence product of all of his surrounding factors, including poor education, maintaining poverty, or even family pressure.

On the other hand, the majority of our society approve of the death penalty and believe it is an effective way to curb ...

In conclusion, my opinion is that death penalty seems to be more reasonable and appropriate. In particular, in countries where criminals are plentiful, this approach is able to provide a useful tool to help settle the circumstance.---In the United States, we use the death penalty, but we also have a high rate of capital crime. For that reason, maybe we should think again about how effective the death penalty is for reducing capital crime.

Okay, most importantly, add your argument to the end of the first paragraph. You should also give some discussion to show WHY you argue in favor of it. You gave arguments fro both sides. Why are the arguments in favor of the death penalty stronger?

:-) Great job!!

Essays / "To what extent and in what ways do you believe India can alleviate 'Brain Drain'? [16]


This sentence is very complicated and confusing. Simplify if you can...
The exodus of skilled workers from India is caused by _____________________. -----I don't know if it is caused by bureaucracy. It might be caused by the fact that better opportunities exist elsewhere. Anyway, in this first sentence just tell what you think the reasons are.

Then say:
Brain drain costs the developing nations a lot. (After this, you can end the first paragraph by giving a thesis statement that expresses your main argument.

In India there are ample reasons behind brain drain like lack of proper education system, unavailability of proper infrastructure and other prevalent hindrances.---Good sentence!!

With the mushrooming of the colleges in India, a very large population of engineering graduates is passing out emigrating every year. ----"Passing out" means "falling unconscious." :-)

Due to this brain-drain, India loses $2 billion a year.--I think you should tell where you found this number. How do you know it is 2 billion?

Government needs to lay down a well-thought roadmap and work bullishly to bring about a radical change in this matter.---another great sentence.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Families to pay taxes that support universal education? [2]

Here are a few more ideas...

The question that about whether or not families who do not send their children to public schools should be are obligated to pay taxes that support universal education is a controversial one. Whereas many people believe that such families have right to do not should not be required to pay taxes that don't benefit themselves, many people disagree. From my perspective, each side has its advantages and this issue is needed to be scrutinized more carefully.

I crossed out a sentence above, but I did not cross it out because of bad grammar. That sentence has good grammar. I crossed it out because you did not take a side. I think it is important to choose a side at the end of the first paragraph.

On the other hand, it is undeniable that much government spending does lucrative positively impact our society and the economy.

Expenditure on such aspect efforts as ...

In summary, I think that families should pay the taxes that support education even though they don't send their children to public schools. Universal education helps to alleviate illiteracy and enhances ...

:-) Great argument! I agree...

Writing Feedback / "tourism does not benefit the poorest" - IELTS [5]

It is looking good...

Here is an idea:
Next, the governments of the countries can build a village of culture.


I don't like this sentence at the end of the first paragraph. I think it would be good to replace this sentence with a sentence that lists the solutions or discusses some concept that is important for the solutions. The last sentence of the first paragraph is supposed to be the most meaningful sentence of the essay. :-)

Undergraduate / Oscar Luis Puelles "My Journey started in Peru" [18]

After the 2008 financial collapse a new part of my American dream became still being part of those enterprises, but involved influencing those enterprises to keep them profitable without causing economic havoc.----I altered this sentence a little. I made it concise.

I think productive IS better than profitable! :-)

maybe Boston Consulting Group, I don't know. ---But wouldn't you be impressed with an undergrad who said, "Sooner or later, I am going to get a position at Boston Consulting Group!" That student is more impressive than the student who is more realistic and says, "I don't know exactly which organization I will work for..." Isn't it strange? The realistic person is not as impressive as the passionate person.

Exactly what method I will use to influence those companies, maybe not-so-suffocating financial reform and/or fairer trade with China, I don't know. ---Well now you are getting down to it. In fact, this sentence could even have a place in your essay.

I don't want to erase any of my experiences because I think those make me outstand from the average transfer applicant who didn't have to worry about about being deported or didn't have to save for 7 years to go college.--Yes, good call. Just say them in as few words as possible. When giving info, use as few words as possible.

There is always room for a sentence or two about what you are determined to accomplish. And the details are the greatest part! A really eccentric person with a dream... that is what makes readers respond.

Honestly, the essay is so impressive already... I think it is a winner. It's just that I feel like the way to complete it is to express what you intend to do now. So... I keep bantering about it with you. I am longwinded!

Writing Feedback / "equal abilities of both genders" - EQUAL NUMBERS OF MALE & FEMALE IN EVERY SUBJECT [4]


These sentences are too complicated. You should write shorter sentences. Shorter sentences are easier to read, just as smaller bites are easier to chew.

Evidence is like water. You can have a little or a lot, but it's still evidence. Only rarely should you write "evidences."

In addition to this, a lot of evidence is available to prove that ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Should high school students allow to take courses they like? TOEFL [3]

Let's use the word EXPERIENCES:

High school experiences play important roles in our academic careers and thereafter throughout our lives.

High school experiences build a strong foundation for students' college career. ...

These are the courses that give base to future courses, bring diversity in my knowledge, and make me aware of the happenings of the world.---Great sentence!!

Now, I love art, and probably I am going to graduate in Art.---This is a good example.

Do not use FAVOR this way:
In conclusion, even if others favor believe that high school should not force...

Use favor like this:
Some favor the idea, that high school students should be forced to learn certain subjects.

:-)

Undergraduate / Applicant Whatever: Why should MIT admit me? [4]


Alright, for you I recommend the show called Louie with Louie C.K. and I also recommend...

And some more blah blah blah. Cut this, it's more than enough.

You have a few too many names on the list, too, but keep the autistic brother. i think you should be reverent enough to share a bit of your plan, a glimpse of your future... with the reader. Tell the reader what you want to do. The reader will laugh... this will work out. You have that stuff.

Writing Feedback / How I Spent My Inheritance [3]


I think you can express this information in 50% of the words.

You don't need to give all the details.


You should probably omit this boring part.

:-) Interesting stuff, here!!

Writing Feedback / superficial is external human" One should never judge a person by external appearance [4]


One wise word snake... that caught my attention!

You are a wise word snake indeed.

Well... come up with a few paragraphs of ammunition to use in your argument.

Undergraduate / "a great opportunity for me to mature" - Peace Corps Essay: Motivational [5]


This sort of thing is great! But you have to keep it. If you use it as a theme, you have to make the whole essay all about it while also giving the necessary info.

you can choose any theme that suits you. Know what I mean? But if you just include that in a random way, it is just random. You have to go all the way with the theme you choose.

:-)

Undergraduate / Raised in front of a computer monitor - Engineering app for UW [3]


nice!!

Hey, let's look at the whoosh of the essay:
Later, w When I was eight, my family moved to the small town of Sequim Washington, a small retirement community for the elderly. Here I discovered a different side of technology.----I think nothing is lost if you kill that word later. By cutting it we add a lot of whooooosh.

Capitalize:
"Help Mickey Mouse and Goofy recover the zoo animals that were accidentally let out of their cages."

If the reader has any sense, s/he will recognize your potential! :-)

Undergraduate / Personal Statement: Running and Learning [5]


Excellent wisdom here.. The new guy at the temple offered to wash the dishes, but the master was not confident that the new guy knew how. "I know you can wash them in order to make them clean. Here, we wash them in order to wash them."

You have lots of potential! Read 3 journal articles in professional journals about the aspects of chem that interest you... and infuse the essay with that energy.

Graduate / CASPA Application Personal Narrative - career in sports medicine, physician assistant [4]

That first paragraph is very good. I guess I sort of wish it made some mention of what you want, what motivates you now. I wish your current aspiration was inseparable from that background...

You miss an opportunity if you do not mention some recent research studies that help to express your ideas in that obesity paragraph.

I've developed a desire to continue my career in sports medicine.---Boring sentence! No boring sentences allowed in this exclusive club! I'm sorry, but your friend has to go. Will somebody please show this boring sentence to the door? We don't like your kind around here.

Er, just playing; I am over-caffeinated. But yeah, express the message of that boring sentence in a way that carries a colorful concept, in a way that enchants the reader.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-Smoking should not be promitted in restaurants or other public places [9]


Cool... this is tough! Yes, fine, it is a matter of freedom, but on the other hand... I am someone who quit smoking successfully after several years, and I am so weak-minded that if I am around cigarettes I will probably smoke again. "So don't go to restaurants where smoking is allowed!" Right? But I will, anyway, and the result will be that I smoke again.

So... I agree, it should not be banned. But also, if it is banned, I think many more people will successfully quit. This is a situation where you have to decide whether to use consequentialist ethics or absolute ethics. I tend toward consequentialism... but it is not perfect!

Calvin, I'm not going to help with the essay because you already write as well as anyone!! Great job... you can pass the toefl. Move on to bigger challenges. ;-)

Undergraduate / "Glimmer of hope" - My first common-app, country [7]

The next morning, I read in the newspaper that the bomb had been was planted by one of the underground armed outfits operating in our region.

Let's use COMPRISED here: Rice and salt comprised our daily diet.

... because it is in desperate need of educated youth who can contribute towards saving a fractured nation.---Can you be more specific about what it needs? If you can, you can be specific when setting goals for yourself.

I am impressed! Great thread...


Agreed! That makes a nice style... it's one of those "fine points" of writing, keeping verb tenses as consistent as possible, unless it is useful to artfully jump tenses.

Undergraduate / "It's very easy to lose yourself" - Vires, Artes, Mores [3]


Try this sentence without the first few words:
In this life it i Is very easy to lose yourself in everything that goes on around you.
I find it more intriguing this way!

And the first person perspective is better:
It is very easy to lose myself in everything that goes on around me.

And still, I have some fluff to cut:
It is very easy to lose myself in everything. ----Now it sounds very intriguing!

Just ideas... anyway. I am just showing you what comes to mind for me.

I think you should give another sentence to explain what you mean by this, and then refer to this concept again in the introduction to the essay. Then, refer to it again near the end.

***You used the word EMBODIES the wrong way!! :-)

This is very good writing; we are lucky to have you here in our little community.

Undergraduate / "The feeling of being dead weight" - FSU, bump in the road [3]


Great writing here...


I like the sentence structure.

Well, if I am to criticize, I'll say you used a few melodramatic phrases... like, you will not see me fall.... and... well... it will be a harder hitting essay if you do not let your sentences get too dramatic. As it is now, I love it.

Here is an error:
He left the world, and my grades plummeted drastically, finding it difficult to concentrate on anything but him my sophomore year.---This says your grades find it difficult to concentrate. So... restructure this sentence! :-)

Letters / Computer Science Major (junior) wanting to pursue Master's in Business Administration [4]

It's all about the story. A long time passed before I realized that. I wanted to write, because I was good at it, and I especially wanted to write nonfiction... maybe self-help.

So, I was not interested in writing stories. But after some years, I realized that every step we take must include a story, because that is what people love. I can get traffic to a website with a story, and I can get hired for a writing project if I use a story.

A story is what you need here. It is a lot simpler than you think.

I am not entirely sure that I would like to pursue a career in computer programming (even though I want to complete my degree in progress) and have taken a turn towards business. -------- programming will always be a part of your life, and business is part of life for almost everyone. But what is the story that inspires you? Describe the story, and you will be excavating your various areas of current and future specialization.

I recently started researching graduate school qualifications and I feel almost as clueless as before I started. Do I need professional work experience to be considered for graduate school? ------You should tell a story about what is happening now and in these next 3 years. The story begins here. All you need is a plan.

You probably have no plan, though, because only the most motivated people have one. Do you have one? I challenge you to have a plan! Only the most motivated people actually create a timeline for themselves and impose deadlines on themselves... but those are the people who will make a big splash in this world.

Do not worry about committing to a career. Just commit to a goal you want to achieve for your life or society. It will require you to develop certain skills. If it requires this program to which you are applying, the reader will feel a responsibility to open this door for you.

:-)

Undergraduate / The more time people use the internet, the less time they spend with real human being [10]


Whenever you say something like this, you have to cite the study. I mean, sometimes you are not REQUIRED to cite it, but you should require yourself to cite it. Otherwise, some of the strength leaks out of your writing. :-)

This is such a great thread!! Lots of progress is shown here...

Writing Feedback / Money spent on Sports should be equal to money spent on University Libraries [2]

hahahahah.. the leaf ninja... what a great username. It leave my mind wondering, because... well, it must be wet leaves, because dry leaves are crunchy/noisy in a way that interferes with ninja-ing.

Sports are an important part of our lives.---this first sentence makes the reader stop paying attention. It is too obvious and simplistic.

If you cut that sentence, it will start with this:
Sports make people strong.---I love this sentence. It hastwo interesting nouns, one emotive adjective, and an action verb. It contains few words. It's a great sentence to use at the beginning.

This experience taught me that he would not have been the best player if he had not gone to a school with sports facility.----This example is excellent.

Second, spending money on sports is good for schools. ---In this paragraph topic sentence, I think you should be more specific. Do you know what I mean by "more specific" here? You should include a few more words to express how it is good for schools. Then, after making this sentence full and meaningful you can proceed with the paragraph.

Make every sentence full and meaningful. :-)

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. It save lots of valuable time [3]

No need for THE:
Actually, this advance has improved the life style of people a lot for the three main reasons.
Or you can do this:
Actually, this advance has improved the life style of people a lot for the three main reasons described below.
Or you can do this:
Actually, this advance has improved the life style of people a lot for these three reasons: aving time, having a comfortable life and experiencing new technology.

Some traditional food makes you depressing feel depressed because of the...

Great job!! If you want to make it a stronger argument, you can talk about the reason someone would give for saying it does NOT improve our lives, and then you can show how that is not a very important consideration.

Undergraduate / "Volunteering and returning from Costa Rica" - Peace Corps essays 1&2 [3]

I am not involved with the Peace Corps, so I can't speak for them, but I think it is NOT too informal. I think it's pretty impressive!

Undergraduate / 'No area of perfection' - high school record and academic abilities. MSU [4]

No, but that socio-economic situations, the lack of educational programs given to lower income students, and the little amount of encouragement given to students to succeed in school can contribute to their not doing their complete best in school.--I corrected the grammar... but I do not like this part. It seems that you are shirking responsibility and making excuses.

I think you should cut that intro out of the essay and begin here:
Honestly, I do not feel that my high school records accurately represent my academic abilities, for I didn't live the ideal life at home. I was forced to take on the role as a parent for my ...---Excellent

I may not have lived in an area of perfection, but I should be granted the same opportunities as for those who do. Most schools offer after school programs but they cost money, and being from a household where we couldn't ---I think this paragraph should not discuss difficulty at home anymore. You already discussed that enough. In this paragraph, explain what is important to you, what you care most about. What is it? Explain what drives you... your greatest aspiration.

It is your great aspiration that gives you great potential.

Writing Feedback / "Mark." - a story research [15]

Awesome! That reminded me of a quote I heard in a Stephen Seagal action film when I was a teenager ---" Everybody wan' go heaven; nobody wan' die..."

Letters / "an epitome of a responsible" - Letter of recommendation by employer - graduate [4]

He never gave a second thought to the question of whether he wo uld stretch his working hours whenever needed. When the company planned to form a new team for XXXXXX application, which was new to Hyderabad branch, he shown showed great interest in working with the new challenges. thing . He kept made good efforts to work parallel with USA counterpart team, and I never felt it as a new team.

Use a comma:
I do recommend Mr. Rajesh to your university, and I am...
:-)

Writing Feedback / "desire of good employment" - Why people attend college or university? [6]


Yep! :-)


Okay, this shows your position, but I would love it if the statement also had a few words that suggest the concept of reasoning that leads you to this position.

See what I mean? In addition to telling your position, the thesis statement can succinctly indicate the rationale for it.

Undergraduate / Oscar Luis Puelles "My Journey started in Peru" [18]


These are the words I think you should stop using. Any time you say "be successful" you can instead say exactly what you want to achieve. Any time you say "get an education" you can say exactly what field of study you want to master AND what specialization you want to choose.

You can cite current articles, recent advancements in your field -- and show that you actually have a specific plan.


Yep, so you do not have a plan yet. And you are right when you say many applicants have no plan. But my job is to tell you how to write an essay that will be as effective as possible. The reader will favor an applicant who has been making a detailed, specific plan for a long time. That kind of thing is inspirational.

If you do not have a plan yet, make a tentative plan. This is important. Even though you might change your direction, make a plan now -- a tentative plan -- based on your talents and interests. It may change, and that is okay... but if you want to impress the reader, show that you are a methodical thinker who can make a plan!! :-))))))))))))) You are not exaggerating or lying if you make a tentative plan (which includes several short term goals!)

Scholarship / "knowledge, skill, and beauty" - FSU scholarship essay ARTES! [3]

Oh... I don't like that word... symbolization. That word tries too hard! It's trying too hard to be cool. The word symbol will do the job.

Also, I think an essay for 250 words should have 3 small paragraphs -- or two large ones. Or maybe a large and a small one. The point is.. use paragraphs! :-) They are powerful.