Writing Feedback / Taking one long vacation has more educational benefits than it used to be. [3]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
This is a difficult topic for me, but i try my best for an exam next month.
i am not good at essay writing, so please help me?
Thank you.

The question is that

Some people believe that students should be given one long vacation each year. Others believe that students should have several short vacations throughout year. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

time off from study

I agree that Students should be given one long vacation each year. They will have a good opportunity to do mutual activities concerning nature, culture and community development. Taking one long vacation has more educational benefits than it used to be.

To start with an example, Mr kim and his roommates always organize a trip to The national Thailand mountain Park. To illustrate, when a long vacation comes, Mr ask everybody in the classroom about what we should do to fill in a free time. Mr kim think about taking all of his friends to The Thailand natural mountain park to learn endangered animals such as monkey living in the deep jungle, which make all roommates educated about the nature living patterns unseen before.

Furthermore, In addition to the mountain, Mr kim and his friends go to a Forbidden city in china. Because of a long vacation, Mr kim has enough time to arrange the trip to experience glory and authenticity which are not felt by watching Television. Moreover, Going to learn paintings on a wall can make all of the classmates realize the importance of the Forbidden city to be conserved for later generations

More importantly, the final task is for all of the roommates to help develop the Bang Yee San community. Mr kim and his friends hit on an idea of help a small village" Ban Yee San" by going to build a house and decorate a newly established museum which is scheduled to open next month. With our heart and soul, we are able to finish the work on time, which make owner of The Ban Yee San community very delighted.

In conclusion, taking one long Vacation has a lot more unaware advantages. Students can learn ways of living of other living creatures in a forest, have a rare chance to go overseas to view real beauty of The Forbidden City unfelt by Television, and also create a strong bond among classmates.

Writing Feedback / 'unusual behaviors' - Games are as important for adults as they are for children [4]

Please revise my essay. i really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am confused about the given prompt. It is a difficult essay.

How the question would be for my essay if i misunderstood the prompt.

The question is that

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Games are as important for adults as they are for children. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In my view, games are not important for both adults and children. Children imitate actions in a game, which will bring about aggressive behaviors when working with colleagues after graduation, make bad use of time spent on their education, which will cause laziness when applied for a work, and use much money to buy games' facilities, which result in a short of money when they make money by themselves. Playing games triggers negative effects on their whole behavior.

To start with the example, Mr Joe, a government official, always behaves fiercely towards his coworkers in a company. To illustrate, when he was a child, he always played a game about warfare which focuses on killing enemies. After grown up, he applied for a road company with a manager position. His subordinates always complain to his assistant about the way Mr Joe treats them. The assistant respond to their concerns by saying you have to be patient because this behavior has accumulated since he was a child.

Furthermore, i use Mr Keng as an instance who always sit on a computer all day, and while working in a company, he is reprimanded for delaying assignments. When he was a teenager, he always played a computer, which has big impacts on his studying. His grade was very low, so he was chastised by his father. After graduation, he was qualified to work for an electricity company. He is always hated by his friends because he does not submit projects on time, which causes anger among those who are in the same department.

More important, Mr Karn, a soldier, has been running out of his monthly income from childhood to today. When studying in a high school, he went to a game shop behind the school, which exceeds daily money given by his mother. Nowadays, while serving as a soldier in the army, he has to ask for additional money from his sister because he do not have enough money for use in the whole month.

In conclusion, playing games has a lot of disadvantages for children instead of adults. Children have unusual behaviors which cause big problems when working in team. Children do not know how to use time effectively, which will affect the entire career later. Children do not realize the value of money earned hard by working, which causes robbery in the community.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay Image that you have received land [4]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
This is one of the most difficult essay, but i do my best for an exam next month

The question is that

Imagine that you have received some land to use as you wish. How would you use this land? Use specific details to explain your answer.

If I had a lot of land, I would use it for the following purposes. I want to deal in agriculture to increase revenue, build a big house with modern facilities so that my relatives live together happily, and donate it for recreational benefits. Using land for these three reasons makes me know about various benefits that I have never realized before.

To begin with, I have palm fields in my homeland as another source of money. To illustrate, i have many plots of land abandoned, which causes no advantages, but tax collected every month. For this reason, I decide to plant thousands of palm trees which increased money to make a meager living day by day.

Furthermore, having enough money from the palm field, i take a stand on dividing part of the land to bring my cousins to stay together. In the past, all of my cousins lived in a single family. They did not even have a contact with one another. Therefore, I hold a strong opinion to separate vacant land to create a large house that advanced technological appliances such as television, computer, refrigerator and air conditioners. After living here for a while, one of my relatives says that he is very delighted to stay in this residence and willingly express thanks for my help.

More important, I give my unoccupied land to the local administration to build a Saint John Park. After doing my family favor, i begin to think about creating benefits for a society. I figure that I should establish a serene and private park so that people in neighboring areas can have a rest in the free time after struggling with work all day.

In Conclusion, My vacant plots of land would not be useful if they were unoccupied. When taking my decision about the use of land for other aims, i find that I want to get another job to have more money to take my son to a school, create a strong bond among family members and sacrifice my land to happiness of all people in the community.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay A person you know is planning to [6]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am not expert in writing and grammar.so kindly help me
Thank you.

The question is that

A person you know is planning to move to your town or city. What do you think this person would like and dislike about living in your town or city? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

There are manys reason that I want a person to move to my city. I focus on high school education as major advantages. The person are able to choose a suitable school for his teenager. His teenagers have an opportunity to learn and exchange konwledge with professionals, and use technologies which help facilitate their learning. If a person move to my city, it cannot be denied that benefits are given to newscomers as do city residents.

To start with the example, Mr john, a farmer, want to have his son admitted into an international school. He wants his son to have a better life; therefore, he decides to immigrate to a capital city. After moving here, he has several choices to put his son to the school. Eventually, he makes a final decision to let his son attend The Saint Joseph International.

Furthermore, After attending this school, his son becomes more knowledgeable than he used to be. In the past, he did not have a chance to get a lot out of a school, because in rural areas, there are not enough qualified teachers to educate students. However, when studying at The Saint joseph school, he is likely to consult with skilled teachers who help him improve learning ability to compete with other students in the school.

More important, he has a chance to use computers provided by the school to make his study easier. The school in which he was do not have enough computers to help learning. The reason is that the school are in a remote area. However, the situation is changed completely, After studying at The Saint Joseph International school, he can use a computer to surf the internet. He can search for information necessary for projects assigned by a teacher in classroom. Moreover, he can practice thousand online exams for coming final examinations at the end of each semister.

In conclusion, The city to which I suggest a person to move has many benefits. One of them is education. As the person I recommend to live in the city is a farmer who do not want his son to eke out a living wage, i explain incentives: his son can select his preferred school: he can exchange experience in learning with experts to continue higher education and he is opened up to other sources of knowledge which is not gained if he went on studying at the high school in a rural area.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay. people succeed because of hard work [2]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am not expert in writing, so kindly check the grammar.

The question is that

When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success. Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

I agree that people who are successful are due to hard work, but not by luck. In school, students are not able to pass the exam without studying for a while. Scientists cannot invent new scientific theories without learning from previous ones. Each country is not likely to make a new weapon by not getting into the weaponry precedents. It cannot be denied how important working hard contributes to success for the world.

To start with the example, Karn is now working as a doctor in Thailand. To illustrate, before taking an exam for attending a medical school, he spent most of his time studying and review knowledge from the elementary to high school knowledge. He did practice for the exam for more than a thousand items. One of the people like him told me that if you want to go for a medical field or other faculties, you have to give up almost all day off to review the knowledge necessary for pass the exam.

What's more, you see Albert Einstein who invents the most famous theory of relativity. He could not succeed in create this new theory without referring to previous ones. He had spent all life studying and learning other principles about physics and chemistry, then apply them to one theory which has been popular up to the present time called The theories of relativity.

More important, United State is deemed as an example about many of modern and dangerous weapons. Today United States have a grate variety of both land and marine ammunitions. The problem is that how they are created. Its answer is many weapon experts try to adapt previous weapons to create new one with more efficiency. For example, F-18 is originally built as a model for F-22. The main difference is only about the level at which the aircraft fly in the sky.

In conclusion, Luck is not an indicator to make you succeed. The only way to do it is working hard. You are able to enter your preferred university, which make your parents happy. The theory of Relativity that is created by Albert Einstein has resulted in the scientific development for decades. Many arms are produced and brought in protect United State from any terrorist attacks.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay. The twentieth century [5]

My writing skill seem bad gradually, i do not know its reason. Therefore, i practice writing an essay everyday so that my writing skill improve.

Does anyone help me revise my essay; i need feedback to improve writing.

The question is that

The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is one change that should be remembered about the twentieth century? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.

The great change in the twentieth century is about electricity-based technologies. They are a heating system, a cooling one and kitchen tools. With these technologies, people are likely to have a more comfortable and convenient life than in the past.

To begin with, during the winter, they just use an electric heating appliance to protect then from being frozen. Years ago, when the winter approached, they had to gather in logs to a firework, which is time-consuming. Today, with a new technology, they do not have to do it. They just buy an electric heater and bring it to their home. Then, they switch it on by either a remote control or a push button, which is very convenient.

What's more, when the summer comes, they prepare for it by using an electric cooling system to keep themselves cold. In those days, people had to go under the shade of a large tree to make them feel cool. Nowadays, with new technologies introduced into the world, they only pick up an electric cooling equipment at the appliance store and take it to their home. Then, they turn on its switch whenever the summer arrives.

More important, people tend to produce many types of food quickly. Many years ago, they had to use natural materials such as leaves to cover fish while roasted, tree branches to hanging a pot and a small pond for boiling water and cooking rice, which was difficult to look for a place with such things. With new technologies such as an electric rice pot, an oven and even a fryer, they find it easy to prepare food for any events like a ceremony. They can effectively use these electric appliances only by setting an operating time, which is very reliable.

In conclusion, technologies that use electricity have a lot of valuable benefits. They are able keep people healthy without any ailments during the winter and summer period and also facilitate a food production process to keep up with demands when a big party occurs.

Writing Feedback / toefl Essay What the 21century will bring [7]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
I think my essay is not logically written, but i would like to prepare for the exam next month
Help me!

The question is that

The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think the new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer.

In my view, there are a great variety of changes in the 21st century. They are mostly concerned with technologies adopted by military, agriculture and education. Considering these three factors, the world will become more different and fashionable than that which occurs in the past.

To begin with, many modern weapons are produced to protect people from threats by neighboring countries. In the past, when a war occurred, people had to immediately seek shelter or migrated to other places and left things burned down by enemies. However, with modern weapons such as a radar station, people have enough time to pack belongings ready to temporary settle down in other areas.

What 's more, many advanced technologies are brought in to do people a good favor. In the past, people had to use animals to do agricultural works in a paddy field, which is time-consuming. However, with modern vehicles such as an electric harvester, people are confident about their gathering crops in a prompt and effective way.

More important, a great number of computer-based technologies are used in a university to facilitate learning and teaching. Many days ago, students had trouble looking for materials. They had to go to a school for searching for their wanted textbooks. With new technologies such as internet, students find it easy to read materials by sitting on front of the screen and click on websites containing useful knowledge, which are more effective than the way to do it in the past.

In conclusion, we have experienced a lot of changes in the world's history. We have more effective weapons to maintain sovereignty of each country, create new approaches to speed up the agricultural products and make it easy for students who live in a remote area to study as do city residents.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay A government plans to build a new research center [5]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
I need your help immediately. This essay is very difficult to me. I feel sad while writing as essay.
I also spend around 50 minutes, which is not good for the essay exam next month.
could anyone assist me? Please tell me how to revise the essay.

Thank you a lot

The question is that
A government plans to build a new research center. Some want a center for business research. Other people want a center for research in agriculture (farming). Which of these two kinds of research centers do you prefer? Use specific reasons to support your answer.

In my view, people have different opinions about a government's building a new research center. Some want to have a center for business research to create new entrepreneurs and the other need a center for agriculture to invent new vehicle to speed up the crop harvesting process. I prefer a second choice to produce brand-new and effective fertilizers.

People who are unemployed can have an opportunity to open their own business. Today it cannot be denied that most of the people who graduate from a university are out of the job. If attending the business courses such as handicrafts and electronics, they are encouraged to have their own business like a shop selling hand-made product and a store repairing electric appliances namely Television and Computer.

What 's more is that people who are a farmer can learn other ways to harvest rice to be sold to the rice mill on time. To illustrate, my uncle, John, has to collect four tons of rice to be sold to the rice mill every summer. He has only five days to do it; therefore, he goes to the agricultural research center to think about creating an electric-powered vehicle to reap rice. With this new invention, he is eventually able to sell rice to the rice mill.

More important, I want to learn how to use organic materials released by animals create a fertilizer to speed the growth of agricultural crops. I really want to save money spent on buying chemical fertilizers by finding other ways to produce a new fertilizer. Therefore, I go to the agricultural research center to search for materials and multimedia demonstrating how to produce a nature-based fertilizer. In the end, i am able to reduce farming expenses by using the organic fertilizer in the palm field.

In conclusion, that people use the research center for business or agriculture depends on their preference. One of them may think about a job to earn money for a living, and some who deal in family really want to increase income but reduce cost by creating innovative harvesters to boost their rice-reaping process, For me, I really want to speed up producing palm sold to a dealer when its price is very high.

Writing Feedback / Toefl ; I agree that MONEY is the most important aspect of a job! [4]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback
I am not sure about the essay. could anyone assist me?

The question is that

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important aspect of a job is the money that a person earns. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

I agree that money person earns is the most important aspect of a job. After receiving money from the job, people think about using it for education, family and business. Considering three reasons, money will be a contributing factor for married people having a baby to become successful in their life.

To begin with, at the end of each month, people get a salary to pay for tuition fee and other stationeries for their daughter and son. Nowadays, people who have to bring their children work very hard to take children to a school. They have to make money allowances necessary for the children. To illustrate, Mr Joe, who has three sons and two daughters, has to work seriously to draw money for education expenses. He spends a lot of money buying pencil, pen, rubber and schoolbag so that their children are ready for both teacher-centered and student-centered learning.

What's more, people want to spend money economically to take a family to a tourist attraction on New Year Day. Many people tend to save money each month so that they will have enough left to take their son and daughter to a beach, month and island.

Most importantly, they want to do their own business as another source of money after the retirement. Today there are many firms run by a couple who retired from the present job. They think that if they open the business, they can earn money for a living. Moreover, their children obtain benefit from the business, because they can automatically succeed to it. Although not being good at campus learning, they can help parents do business and learn its work effectively.

In conclusion, there is no denying that people can search for convenience and luxury from money earned by a job. The money is able to produce a graduate to work for a society, create a strong bond among family members and prevent anguish and concern over the life of children regarding their financial status after graduation

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay awards and prizes are given for [5]

Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.

Help, it is very difficult to write this essay. The essay may not be logically written.
Could anyone assist me?

Thank you

The question is that

Awards and prizes are given for excellence in various fields. Do these awards and prizes serve a useful purpose? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

I agree that awards and prizes are given for excellence in various fields. In education field, students are respected by parents, admired by teachers and probably selected to enter a famous university. Students who have awards and prizes will have an opportunity to be successful in the globalization.

First, my brother, Karn, becomes the winner of the crossword competition. After winning the competition, he receives and gives a gold medal to his mother, which causes surprises. At first, his mother do not think that he is likely to come in third place; however, when touching the gold medal, she is very delighted and astonished that her son is able to get the it. She is confident that her son, Karn, will bring other achievements which pave the way toward her son's good future.

Second, my sister, Ann, wins a physical competition with a first runner-up. She is one of the representatives that a school chooses. Only one person who gets a silver medal is my sister. When bringing the silver medal to the school, teachers who are responsible for the department recruiting students to compete for the national competitions feel very joyful and surprised. They do not think that she, Ann, is able to get the silver medal because she is not the chosen persons who are apt to be the winner. Moreover, they intend to pick her up for other competitions that make the school famous.

Finally, my cousin, Joe, comes in third place in the political essay competition. He joins the competition because he wants to pursue bachelor degree in politics science in Hardvard University. But, it wants one requirement that if students have a competition concerning politics, they will be likely to be admitted. Therefore, after receiving the bronze medal, he applies for the university with transcripts and the medal.

In conclusion, that people have awards and prizes is one of the standards deemed as success. For students, they become the most valuable indicator that causes those with awards and prizes to have a family prestige, a school reputation and a basis to attend the well-knowledge university.