Undergraduate / The intention is a vital factor - Princeton Supplement [9]

Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.

As I entered the parking lot that would be held for the Muslim Student Association (MSA) Homeless Feeding, I had a smile on my face and my task of the day was to coordinate the homeless to the tables where they would receive their hot meal from MSA students. I gave myself a goal today, and it was to show leadership in front of the homeless and MSA students. I tried to achieve this by offering aid to anyone who needs it since the purpose of a leader is to serve those he/she is leading.

Through this event, I noticed something peculiar. Many MSA students were timid to the homeless and the only reply they ever gave was "Happy Holidays!", yet they were comfortable talking amongst themselves. Even the MSA presidents of their local schools exhibited the same behavior. Even I failed to develop interaction with the homeless as I offered aid by answering simple questions followed by an awkward moment of silence. But one man came out and shattered the quiet atmosphere. He was the coordinator of humanitarian aid and when he spoke out loud, he didn't need a microphone to capture people's attentions. He effectively showed himself as a leader as he connected with the homeless and received their full cooperation. He did all this with few simple words that he spoke. He didn't employ any rhetorical device nor did he have charismatic appeal.[..]

Tell me what you think about the essay. Is there anything I need to cut out? Anything I did wrong?

Undergraduate / Cliche image of kids holding hands under a rainbow - Yale Supplement [6]

What would do with a free afternoon tomorrow?
I want to climb to the top of the green hills and sit there alone and quietly while thinking about how I see the world.

Recall a compliment you received that you especially value. What was it? From whom did it come?
"Mustafa is so independent that his parents don't even know what he is doing. He is on his way to great things." My friend's dad said that when he was lecturing my friend.

If you could witness one moment in history, what would it be and why?
I want to witness Malcolm X making holy pilgrimage to see how he reacted to the white people worshiping peacefully with others of different colors.

What do you wish you were better at being or doing?
I wish I was better at understanding girls' feelings.
If you were choosing students to form a Yale class, what question would you ask here that we have not?
There is more than one function of a paper clip. How would you use it?
Why Yale?
#1
When I see Yale as a diverse school, I don't see that cliché image of every kid from every race holding hands under a rainbow. I see different worlds colliding, and Yale achieves this in a unique way. During the famous football game against Harvard, the Yalies don't compete in spirit against Harvard, but they compete amongst themselves with their residential colleges. With such a unique way, I want to be a part of Yale and interact with different worlds through peculiar and friendly competition.

#2
I haven't done #2, but it's about why I chose Yale because of the many opportunities it offers such as their faculty researching on concepts that I'm interested in like Ronald Breaker's work on Ribozyme and riboswitch analysis.

Which do you think will be a better topic for the Why Yale question and impress the admission readers the most?

Undergraduate / Blind, Arrogant Eyes - Common App Prompt [5]

Tell my what you think about the essay. I'm willing to read your essays if you read mine. Just ask me if you want to.

Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

My young mind was full of arrogance as I dominated every class with excellent marks in my freshmen year of high school. From my egotistic thoughts, I saw a high school education as an effortless path to success even though I never experienced an AP curriculum. I entered every class with the intention of leaving every class. I pleased every teacher to get an excellent mark from every teacher. I did every assignment to only avoid failing every assignment. It seemed this conceited spirit would follow me throughout my high school career and ruin my transcript once I started taking an AP curriculum. However, the latter never occurred because a man named Malcolm X uncovered the errors of my way.

As a young man, Malcolm lived a troubled life as a criminal even when he embraced Islam. He continued to see the white men as the race of the devil and spoke with animosity against them to his fellow Muslim companions. People might question how I could ever relate with El Malik when my flaw is only arrogance. My arrogance correlates with my perspective of my high school, and Malcolm's hatred dealt with his perspective of the white race. He truly believed that the right and good would prevail, but sadly Elijah Muhammad, his mentor, indoctrinated his mind with such racial propaganda of the white people. However, both his and my perspective changed when he made holy pilgrimage to Makkah. He saw white people worshipping peacefully with others of different races. The indoctrinated thoughts of Elijah Muhammad clashed with his current sight. In a moment of epiphany, he began searching for a different meaning of righteousness, and it was promoting humanitarians rights to Middle Eastern parliaments. He eventually concluded that the change in his perspective impacted the course of his life and that education was the tool that changed our perspective with the quote "Without education, you are not going anywhere in this world."

From this valuable lesson he Malcolm X learned, I realized my own arrogance and saw how I was neither strong nor intelligent, but a weak soul that would have been shattered by an AP curriculum. I realized that high school was not a path to effortless success, but a source of change in viewpoints which can completely impact any situation. I study now in every class with only the sole purpose of changing my view of the environment around me, locally, nationally, and globally. I desired knowledge, but not for fulfilling my intellectual curiosity- only to develop new viewpoints of concepts, thus allow me to advance toward progress. When I studied AP Environmental Science, I was granted many insightful perspectives that gave me a new sight of humanitarian policies especially with charity organizations. They use donated funds to aid the suffering of third world countries in forms of food, blankets, and water. This form of charity has noble intentions, but it also has ill endings. To realize this, one must change one's perspective from those suffering to the farmers of the third world nations. Since those who are suffering are getting free food and aid from charity organizations, the farmers have no demand for their crops and they go out of business which negatively impacts the nation's economy which in turn will make the suffering more dependent on aid from charity organization. With this in mind, more effective policies can be made toward humanitarian aid.

From the lesson Malcolm X taught me, I formed a doctrine that I heavily believed in: How one sees will impact how one succeeds. With the doctrine, I analyze my environment for deeper nuances with hope of seeing something new. This is done with intention of refining the news perspective into progress. The doctrines, intentions, and lessons exist in my possession because Malcolm X granted vision to my blind, arrogant eyes.

Just some concerns. Should I eliminate the parallelism in my first paragraph?
And is there is any unnecessary clauses that should be condensed?

Undergraduate / How One Sees will Impact How One Succeeds - Cornell: College of Human Ecology [9]

Prompt: What do you value about the College of Human Ecology perspective as you consider your academic goals and plans for the future? Reflect on our majors that interest you as you respond.

Cornell's College of Human Ecology appeals to me because it nurtures one doctrine that I believe in: How one sees will impact how one succeeds.

As a student in AP Environmental Science, I was given many insightful perspectives on how the world truly functioned around human policy, but one perspective that surprised me was giving aid to third world countries. There are charity organizations that use donated funds to aid the suffering of third world countries in forms of food, blankets, and water. This form of charity has noble intentions, but it also has ill endings. To realize this, one must change one's perspective from those suffering to the farmers of the third world nations. Since those who are suffering are getting free food and aid from charity organizations, the farmers have no demand for their crops and they go out of business which negatively impacts the nation's economy which in turn will make the suffering more dependent on aid from charity organization.

With this new perspective, effective policies on aiding third world nations can be made. Instead of donating aid, microloans can be given in which there is no interest and the loan can be recycled to help other in needs. In the end, one microloan can improve the economy of a third world nation while 1 ton of aid given for free can do the opposite. With a change in perspective, policies can be more effective

Cornell's College of Human Ecology puts high emphasis on perspective especially in the major of Policy Analysis and Management. The school offers many opportunities such as Capital Semester, Urban Semester, and Exchange programs to allow students to collect insightful perspectives in order for effective policies and efficient management to become possible. The school provides experience that is vital to any policy maker. The school also values the doctrine that I practice daily: How one sees will impact how one succeeds.

Tell me what you think about the essay. Give criticism and advice.